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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-11-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-11-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK How many miss the good old days, when America was just morally bankrupt? (Gil
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 11, 2009
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-11-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      How many miss the good old days, when America was just morally
      bankrupt? (Gil Ross)

      One day the market is up the next it is down, up and down up and down,
      on and off, on and off, this isn’t a bull or bear market, it’s a Paris
      Hilton market. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Hey, before we get started tonight, I want to remind any potential
      cabinet members you have until April 15th to not pay your taxes, okay?
      (Jay Leno)

      London hosted a Group of Twenty meeting Wednesday amid chaos. Chinese
      communists are now the capitalists, France's president is Hungarian,
      the Anglo-Saxons are being led by a socialist and a Kenyan, and
      Germany is refusing to send troops into other countries. Astronauts
      aboard the Space Station report the Earth is spinning backwards.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      A seismologist said that his warning of the quake in Italy was removed
      from the internet. Officials said his warning was based on shaky
      research. (Robert Stupple)

      Plaxico Burress, released by Giants, awaits next shot with another
      team. (Dwight Perry)

      President Obama received a private audience with Queen Elizabeth at
      Buckingham Palace Wednesday. She spoke quite firmly with him. She
      reminded him that if the United States is going to return to absolute
      monarchy she's got first claim on the job. (Argus Hamilton)

      Washington State's execution team has resigned. Apparently they heard
      that the economy was going to cause a lot of heads to roll. (Jim Barach)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      While Michelle Obama was getting a peck on the cheek from the
      President of France, the first lady of France offered President Obama
      a handshake instead of a kiss. I feel a Certs commercial coming on.
      (Tim Hunter)

      Michelle Obama was a huge hit in Britain at the G-20 Summit. She was
      adored by the British press and public and children who followed her
      everywhere. She's so much like Princess Diana it rekindled the passion
      between Prince Charles and Camilla. (Argus Hamilton)

      On his way home from his trip abroad, President Obama made a short,
      unscheduled stop in Bagdad. The stop was so short Air Force One didn’t
      even land. The president used one of A.I.G.’s golden parachutes. (Bill
      Williams)

      So Obama is back from his European trip. I feel bad for him. He has
      gone from Baden-Baden to Biden-Biden. (Marc Ragovin)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      The White House issued a toll-free number for a recorded foreign
      policy update from Hillary Clinton on Friday, but the number turned
      out to be a phone sex line. It was an honest goof. They accidentally
      gave out the number for the Bill Clinton update. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hillary Clinton offered the Taliban an olive branch last week if they
      would renounce violence in Afghanistan. The day before, she offered to
      work with Iran. She doesn't care what they do as long as they come up
      the back stairs and don't go public with it. (Argus Hamilton)

      The White House Protocol Office caught heat for President Obama's
      gifts to our allies. They're all pretty useless. He gave Gordon Brown
      DVDs that won't play in Britain, he gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod, and
      he gave the Italian government Chrysler. (Argus Hamilton)

      Homer Simpson's picture will be put on a first-class postage stamp.
      The post office is bankrupt and may cancel Saturday service. It's okay
      to put Homer Simpson's face on a stamp but they really ought to
      replace him as Postmaster General. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ECONOMY

      I don’t want to say the economic picture looks bleak, but people are
      already beginning to talk about the Greater Depression. (Tulla
      Brendingulo)

      There was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup
      reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes
      to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our
      bailout dollars can do. (Jay Leno)

      THE CONGRESS

      The Justice Department prepared Wednesday to drop all charges against
      Alaska's convicted former U. S. Senator Ted Stevens. This guy was a
      legend in Washington D. C. Ted Stevens brought home so much pork in
      forty years that he's banned in two religions. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Justice Department threw out the conviction of Alaska's former
      Senator Ted Stevens. It was thrown out for good reason. He was
      convicted of not listing bribes on his tax returns and the Obama
      administration still has a few cabinet posts to fill. (Argus Hamilton)

      The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would give the
      Food and Drug Administration the authority to regulate tobacco
      products, which makes sense now that a pack of cigarettes costs about
      the same as a bottle of Viagra." (Jake Novak)

      Congress voted Thursday to give the FDA power to regulate tobacco.
      This is the perfect chance for the tobacco states to legalize pot
      smoking. Restaurant patrons may not like the smell at first but
      everybody will be used to it by the third dessert. (Argus Hamilton)

      Senator Byron Dorgan introduced a bill permitting Americans to visit
      Cuba for the first time in five decades. Havana's streets are filled
      with fifty-year-old Chevys and Fords and Chryslers in flawless
      condition. The goal of the policy is to topple the Castro government
      and turn Cuba into the Museum of American Car Excellence. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars
      and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that’s significant because Virginia
      is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of
      California banning breast implants. (Jay Leno)

      Illinois's former governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted for fraud on
      Friday. It's unfair. When he tried to sell a U. S. Senate seat for a
      million dollars last September he had no idea it would only be worth
      three hundred thousand dollars six months later. (Argus Hamilton)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Freedom Tower was dropped as the new World Trade Center's name because
      the Chinese tenants might be offended. What an outrage. We're lucky al-
      Qaeda isn't opening an office there or kids would have to be taught
      that the Twin Towers were brought down by Canadian geese. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Hey, here’s some good news. Bernard Madoff, the sleaze-ball guy in
      that $50 billion Ponzi scheme thing, is going to plead guilty. But
      Madoff’s lawyer is trying to get all the charges dropped by arguing
      that Madoff is no longer a threat to society because there aren’t any
      rich people anymore. (Jay Leno)

      You know you have a drinking problem when your car is a barstool.
      Police in Ohio arrested a man after he crashed his motorized barstool.
      Although in his defense, the man said he was depressed because he just
      lost his job as CEO of General Motors. (Bill Maher)

      A report by the FBI says that Internet crime is up 33%. And that
      doesn't even include people who actually pay money to sign up for AOL.
      (Jim Barach)

      IMMIGRATION

      President Obama goes to Mexico next week for a presidential summit
      while he's under pressure by Latino leaders to ease immigration laws.
      Immigrants do the jobs Americans refuse to do. No American wants to be
      president of GM for what Obama's willing to pay. (Argus Hamilton)

      CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

      The Iowa Supreme Court has ruled that a gay marriage ban in the state
      is unconstitutional. The decision could affect all seven gay people
      living in Iowa. (Jim Barach)

      NASA & SPACE

      Scientists are worried about the increasing amount of “space junk” in
      orbit. Especially whatever it is that’s beaming down Dish Network’s
      basic package. (Todd Long)

      There is so much discarded trash in outer space that three times last
      month, the International Space Station was almost hit by some useless
      hunk of floating metal? So, you've got to give the human race credit.
      Only humans could visit an infinite void and leave it cluttered. Not
      only have we screwed up our own planet, somehow we have also managed
      to use up all the space in space. (Bill Maher)

      You know what's up there? Old satellites, spent rocket boosters. Neil
      Armstrong's golf club. That canister with Gene Roddenberry's ashes.
      Empty Tang jars. Discarded astronaut diapers. It's over 100,000 items,
      my favorite being a NASA space glove, which, in 1965, was lost by
      astronaut Ed White. I can't tell you why he had his glove off except
      to say that, in space, it can get very lonely. (Bill Maher)

      The space station urine-to-drinking-water purifier continues to
      malfunction. On a side note, the space shuttle has cancelled All-The-
      Asparagus-You-Can-Eat night. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A Russian Soyuz space capsule carrying billionaire Charles Simonyi and
      a Russian-American crew touched down safely in Kazakhstan. Simonyi
      paid $60 million for the two trips, but the second one was slightly
      more because he checked two bags. (Paul Seaburn)

      MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

      Cabo San Lucas reported big college crowds last month for spring
      break. That's when college students head for Mexico to drink, do drugs
      and have sex. After that they go back to school and return to the same
      old grind--drink, do drugs and have sex. (Argus Hamilton)

      Prison inmates in Brazil have trained carrier pigeons to bring them
      cell phones. If you're talking to one of these guys, don't ask them
      how many bars they have. (Jerry Perisho)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      A study says that fat babies tend to become overweight toddlers.
      Experts are placing the blame on role models, saying that Barney and
      the Teletubbies need to slim down to stop setting a bad example. (Jim
      Barach)

      A report says 1 in 5 preschoolers is obese. McDonalds’ new dessert
      treat addresses the problem. The McSkittles. (Alan Ray)

      A government medical panel says that all teenagers should be tested
      for depression. The only other group that suffers a higher depression
      rate is AIG stockholders. (Jim Barach)

      Researchers suspect a rise in oral sex is to blame for increased cases
      of tonsil cancer. They've also found that a decrease in oral sex is to
      blame for increased cases of divorce." (Jake Novak)

      The White House rolled out a web site Tuesday for people suffering
      from mental stress due to the economy. It means well. Psychiatrists
      are listed who are willing to help you, and if they determine that you
      are suicidal they make you pay in advance. (Argus Hamilton)

      SPORTS

      This is a great time in sports. The NCAA finals just ended, the
      Masters is starting this week and opening day in Major League Baseball
      is so recent the players still have the band aids on their butts from
      their first steroid injection. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Palm Harbor (Fla.) University High School has suspended its baseball
      coach over reports that players — believing their team was snakebit —
      beheaded a serpent and buried it on the pitcher's mound, the Tampa
      Tribune reported. Investigators immediately vowed to get the cutoff
      man. (Dwight Perry)

      Honcho Hal Steinbrenner admits that some of his team's tickets at the
      New Yankee Stadium — like the $2,625 ones, for instance, might be
      overpriced. In related news, fire might be hot, water might be wet.
      (Drew Curtis)

      The New York Yankees were reported Wednesday to be having trouble
      selling their five-thousand-dollar box seats. The perks that come with
      the tickets are nice. If you give a pitcher the thumbs down during a
      tough inning a lion will come out and eat him. (Argus Hamilton)

      The New York Yankees lifted their nine-year ban on beer sales in the
      bleachers Monday, allowing fans to buy twelve-ounce beers for six
      dollars. This is grim news. History teaches us that it's not
      officially a depression until prohibition is repealed. (Argus Hamilton)

      The New York Yankees on Saturday unveiled their new Yankee Stadium.
      It's built for a really good time. It includes a sports bar with disco
      music and a full view of the field where women drink for half-price,
      and that's just the Yankees dugout. (Argus Hamilton)

      The new Yankee stadium is quite plush. They thought of everything.
      They even have a team eye, ear, nose and throat specialist for when
      Alex Rodriguez chokes in the Fall. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Masters is in Augusta, Georgia. What do Tigers Woods and a Bear
      Stearns investor have in common? Both are in the hole very quickly.
      (Alan Ray)

      The 43-year-old wife of 20-year-old Pirates prospect Jose Tabata was
      accused of taking a 2-month-old baby from a Florida health clinic.
      Obviously not her first attempt at robbing the cradle. (Jerry Wolski)

      Disgraced quarterback Michael Vick, earning 12 cents an hour as a
      janitor in prison, has a $10-an-hour construction job lined up once
      he's out on work-release. That makes Vick one of the few people in the
      country in line for a big raise, at least below the executive level,
      anyway. (David Thomas)

      An amateur soccer player in Stretford, England, got red-carded for
      "breaking wind" to distract an opponent who was taking a free kick.
      That's one way to create space. (The Manchester Evening News)

      Gun shots were reportedly fired on the paparazzi after Patriots
      quarterback Tom Brady and model Gisele Bündchen renewed their wedding
      vows in Costa Rica on Saturday. Brady had no comment, although
      witnesses heard someone yell, "Who invited Plaxico?" (Reggie Hayes)

      This is the first weekend of the MLB season. At the new Mets Stadium,
      shiny porcelain fixtures replace what fans had become used to as a
      bathroom facility. The subway. (Alan Ray)

      A recent article said that the Mets new home, Citi Field, has some
      seats with restricted views. Hey, given the last two seasons, Manager
      Jerry Manuel is hoping they are in the dugout. (Marc Ragovin)

      A minor league baseball team in Texas, the Grand Prairie AirHogs, will
      hold a special "Octomom Night" this season. If the team scores eight
      runs that night, everybody gets a free ticket to another game. (Jerry
      Perisho)

      CELEBRITIES

      A judge has rejected Madonna’s petition to adopt another child from
      Malawi. She is already mother to 3 pampered children. Four, if you
      count Alex Rodriguez. (Alan Ray)

      A court in Malawi turned down Madonna’s adoption request. First Guy
      Ritchie divorces her then Alex Rodriguez dumps her, then her 22-year-
      old Brazilian boy toy dumps her and now she can’t adopt a boy. Things
      are bad for Madonna when Rosie O’Donnell is doing better with the
      guys. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Jessica Simpson wants to become a contestant on "Dancing with the
      Stars". Right now she's practicing her 2-step. "One, two, three, One,
      two, three. One, two, three…" (Alan Ray)

      Chloris Leachman posed in a gown made of lettuce and red cabbage and
      posed for a PETA ad campaign to promote vegetarianism. No reports of
      anyone becoming a vegetarian, but many people did lose their appetite
      completely. (Doug Austen)

      Oscar-winning actress Cloris Leachman publicized her just-released
      autobiography Friday by posing nude in front of cameras wearing
      nothing but lettuce. There was no danger of exposure. All the farm
      workers have gone back to Mexico because of the economy. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      Sarah Palin is furious at Levi Johnston, the father of her daughter
      Bristol’s baby Tripp, for spilling his guts about their sex life on
      "The Tyra Banks Show". How furious? Right now Levi can see Sarah’s
      Russian AK47 from his house. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Todd Palin denies that Sarah Palin ever shopped at Saks. Apparently
      Palin just had her chauffeur take her personal shopper there to have
      her body double fitted with the custom wardrobe. (Jim Barach)

      Valerie Bertinelli appears in a bikini in the latest issue of People.
      Don’t be surprised to see Mackenzie Phillips when you get a copy, as
      she may be working the cash register that day. (Todd Long)

      Miss Universe from Venezuela was criticized for blogging about the
      beauty of Guantanamo Bay while on a visit there. She explained that
      conditions there are a picnic compared to being in a dressing room
      full of other beauty pageant contestants. (Jim Barach)

      Dave Arneson, the creator of the Dungeons & Dragons fantasy game, has
      died at age 61. Arneson is credited with helping millions more teenage
      boys remain virgins than the "Promise Keepers." (Jake Novak)

      EDUCATION

      Earlier this week, President Obama took on the teachers union by
      saying he wants merit pay for teachers and to fire the ones who do not
      perform well. That is pretty bold. A Democrat taking on the unions is
      like Rush Limbaugh going after the doughnut manufacturers. (Jay Leno)

      RELIGION

      This is a holy week for Christians. Biblical scholars say during the
      Last Supper with his 12 Disciples, Jesus wept. The server wouldn't do
      separate checks. (Alan Ray)

      Did you hear about the Church of England where people are so upset
      they are leaving the Church. They are going through de-baptisms. Not
      so popular is the Jewish de-circumcision service! [Jay Leno]

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      GM CEO Rick Wagoner resigned under pressure from the Obama
      Administration. His last four years saw the company lay off 25,000
      employees and lose $85 Billion, but he leaves with a pension of $23
      Million. Of course if he is paid in GM stock that would amount to
      $17.32. (Jim Barach)

      Goldman Sachs is looking to sell billions of new shares of stock. The
      plan relies on finding a few billion investors who haven't read the
      business news for the last 18 months. (Jake Novak)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel <skegel@...>
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