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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-04-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK So, it s pretty crazy. Look, we re bailing out Wall Street, we re bailing out
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 4, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-04-09


      So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're
      bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you
      know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if
      you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the
      government? (Jay Leno)

      Ruth Madoff is now accusing Bernie Madoff of having an extra-marital
      affair. Like Bernie wasn't screwing enough people before. (Alex

      President Obama is in London but he is still following his Final Four
      - Chase, Wells Fargo, JP Morgan and Bank of America. (Janice Hough)

      MTV, Music Television, is putting actual music videos back on their
      network. If it works, Fox News said they'll start doing actual news
      again. (Craig Ferguson)

      Researchers at the University of Westminster in England have developed
      a simple and convenient way of screening for STDs which involves
      sending a used tampon through the mail. The company said they might
      start testing this for free with some women… no strings attache (Pedro

      Last night, the audience was as quiet as a General Motors showroom.
      (David Letterman)

      The Senate is reviewing how college picks the number one team. Thank
      goodness they finally have the economy back on track and the war in
      Iraq under control. (Jim Barach)

      In a speech in Anchorage, Alaska, Sarah Palin took kind of a cheap
      shot at her former running mate, John McCain. She said she couldn't
      find anyone to pray with during the campaign. She's not the only one.
      Between Jesse Jackson and Reverend Wright, Obama couldn't find anybody
      to pray with either. (Jay Leno)

      One day the market is up the next it is down, up and down up and down,
      on and off, on and off, this isn't a bull or bear market, it's a Paris
      Hilton market. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The average American now works to support one spouse, three kids, four
      banks and two car companies. (Sid Knowles)

      China says it wants to replace the U. S. dollar with a new global
      currency. They want to move from a gold-based standard to a lead-based
      standard. (Jay Leno)

      The Senate Judiciary Committee plans to hold hearings on the Bowl
      Championship Series in college football. They want to probe anti-trust
      violations. When the BCS installed a Microsoft operating system in
      their computer they were just asking for it. (Argus Hamilton)


      President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax code.
      He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people
      manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his
      administration. (Jay Leno)

      The government is planning to tax Internet porn. Why would anyone pay
      to watch really horrible acting when they can see it on NBC prime time
      for free? (Alex Kaseberg)

      The largest federal tobacco tax hike ever will take effect on
      Wednesday. Smokers tried to stage a march on Washington. But after a
      block, they were too out of breath. (Alan Ray)

      There's a new tax on tobacco — 62 cents a pack. It goes into effect
      tomorrow. It's the biggest federal tax hike on cigarettes ever. Ironic
      that they would hike taxes on people who cannot hike. President Obama
      is asking all of us to pitch in. He says even if only 10 percent of us
      smoke only one pack a day, we can cut this deficit in half. (Jimmy


      President Obama is heading on his first official visit to London. The
      English are thrilled. They are especially looking forward to once
      again having a President who speaks their language. (Janice Hough)

      Britain's Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, asked President Obama if he
      ever played darts. And Obama said: "Sure I play darts. How do you
      think I picked my Cabinet?" (David Letterman)

      President Obama was on Capitol Hill to urge moderate Democrats to back
      his budget bill. Each baby born in the U.S. now owes eighteen thousand
      dollars in debt. A month ago Americans were furious at Nadya Suleman
      for having eight babies, but today she's the only thing standing
      between Social Security and insolvency. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama is pledging to help the flooded Midwest recover.
      Though he didn’t explain how his hosting “Saturday Night Live” and
      guest-voicing on “The Simpsons” would help. (Todd Long)

      President Obama imposed a thirty-miles-per-gallon standard for cars
      Friday and twenty-four for SUVs. He wants banks to get back on their
      feet by making risky loans and he wants car companies to get back on
      their feet by making cars which Americans refuse to buy. He graduated
      at the top of his class at the Trotsky School of Business. (Argus

      The press is going crazy over First Lady Michelle Obama. They say she
      is the reason for the sleeveless fashion trend that is sweeping
      Europe. But President Bush spoke about this today. He said he is
      appalled by it. He said, "Sleeveless? How does she wipe her
      nose?" (Jay Leno)

      Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to
      redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to
      redecorate the houses of A. I.G. executives. (Craig Ferguson)


      President Obama appointed former Fed Chairman Paul Volcker to head a
      commission to study rebalancing the tax code. You know what that
      means. The stock market went up a hundred and eighty points on the
      news that the president wasn't going to do anything. (Argus Hamilton)

      In an unusual move for a sitting Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton
      was given Planned Parenthood's highest award. In her speech, she
      revealed her No. 1 recommended method of birth control — pantsuits.
      (Jay Leno)

      Fed Chairman Tim Geithner and Secretary of Health & Human Services
      Kathy Sebelius have decided to buy a new Chrysler to help boost the
      ailing U-S automakers. The car is called the DODGE 1040. (Jake Novak)

      The government is going to start buying condoms from China instead of
      from a company in Arkansas. Apparently the Chinese condoms come with
      the claim of literally putting some lead in your pencil. (Jim Barach)

      And more embarrassment for the President. Just a few weeks after
      President Obama named Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius as his Health and
      Human Services nominee, she now reveals she owes over $7,000 in back
      taxes. Another one owes. See, that's the difference between the two
      political parties right there. Republicans believe in no new taxes.
      Democrats believe in no old ones. (Jay Leno)

      Postmaster General John Potter says the Post Office is running out of
      money. Apparently Congress gave the Post Office some bailout money,
      but made the mistake of sending the check by mail. (Jim Barach)


      President Obama said this week that things will get worse before they
      get better. That's something you never hear before the election, you
      know? "Let me tell you, if I get elected it's going to get a lot
      worse!" (Jay Leno)

      I tell you, the economy's in rough shape. It's terrible. In fact, you
      know Snap, Crackle, and Pop? Well, they were arrested today for
      selling smack, crack, and pot. (Jay Leno)

      Brazil's President blamed the economic crisis on 'white people with
      blue eyes'. So, now we know who has all the money; the Albinos! (Jerry


      Congress passed a Wilderness Act Monday to slow oil exploration and
      bring back the salmon. Every thirty years we have to clean up the
      rivers. Forget Captain Sully Sullenberger, the real Miracle on the
      Hudson would be a fish in it that was safe to eat. (Argus Hamilton)

      Congress is killing most debate and putting President Obama's massive
      2010 budget on a fast track approval schedule. That's because the only
      thing that scares a Congressman more than a $3.6 trillion budget is
      actually having to read it. (Jake Novak)

      The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would give the
      Food and Drug Administration the authority to regulate tobacco
      products, which makes sense now that a pack of cigarettes costs about
      the same as a bottle of Viagra. (Jake Novak)


      The Supreme Court heard arguments on whether the documentary Hillary
      the Movie was a campaign ad or if it's free speech. The justices are
      split. Liberals feel it's ninety minutes of hate speech but
      conservatives loved the scene where Hillary destroys Tokyo. (Argus

      Congressman Barney Frank called Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia a
      "homophobe". Scalia says that Frank isn't being fair. Labeling him a
      homophobe leaves out all the other groups he also hates. (Jim Barach)


      California adopted a rule Friday requiring all auto repair shops to
      check tire pressure whenever making repairs. Have they no consciences?
      It's morally wrong to remove the smuggled heroin out of a tire and not
      reinflate it to its correct pressure. (Argus Hamilton)

      Vermont's House of Representatives has voted in favor of gay marriage.
      The legislators passed the lesbian-friendly bill in the hopes of
      bailing out the state's struggling flannel shirt industry. (Jake Novak)

      A Pennsylvania court says that a police officer who loses his sense of
      smell could lose his job. The lawyers for the police officer say the
      court's decision stinks. (Jim Barach)


      Bill Clinton's boyhood house in Arkansas was voted a historic site by
      Congress last week. It's a shrine for some people. Womanizers and
      comedians come there from all over the world in the belief that
      bathing in the water will cure their slump. (Argus Hamilton)


      Months after Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was convicted for taking
      illegal gifts and lost his re-election, the Justice Department now
      wants all charges dropped. Apparently, there was such misconduct by
      the prosecution that he's going to be a free man and he gets to keep
      all the gifts. When he heard that, Rod Blagojevich announced he is
      moving to Alaska. (Jay Leno)

      You know what's interesting? Today, a reporter in Crawford, Texas,
      asked former President George Bush how he felt about General Motors
      and Bush said, "You know, since I left office, I don't really follow
      the Iraq war anymore." (Jay Leno)

      A voice from the past, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who may run
      for president in 2012, that's the rumor, has converted to Catholicism.
      So after a number of affairs, two divorces, and three marriages, how
      would you like to get stuck behind him for that first confession, huh?
      (Jay Leno)


      That Michigan man who was seen performing a sex act with a car wash
      vacuum was sentenced to 90 days in jail. His public defender advised
      him that it was time to finally come clean. (Jerry Perisho)


      Hillary Clinton warned Friday that Mexico border chaos is escalating.
      The drug cartel violence has spread north into Phoenix and San Diego.
      It's just another in a long series of problems that would be solved if
      people just paid their bills on time. (Argus Hamilton)

      Police have discovered a large border tunnel being used to smuggled
      drugs into California. Federal officials have responded to the tunnel
      by immediately imposing a $3.50 toll. (Jake Novak)

      Hillary Clinton said Wednesday that Americans share the blame for the
      Mexican border drug violence because we buy the drugs and sell the
      guns. Hold the outrage. These are the only two industries which
      haven't asked the U.S. government for a bailout. (Argus Hamilton)

      NASA & SPACE

      I think the proof that there is intelligent life on other planets is
      the fact they've obviously chosen not to contact us. (Will Durst)


      Brazil's President Lula da Silva stunned his guest, Prime Minister
      Gordon Brown, by saying the financial crisis was caused by white men
      with blue eyes. His economy is based on topless beaches and drug
      traffic. He should stop insulting his customers. (Argus Hamilton)


      People in England are lining up by the thousands to see President
      Obama, because this is really different for them. They've never seen
      someone like him — a 47-year-old man with a full set of perfect teeth.
      (Jay Leno)

      Yesterday, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama met the Queen
      of England. As a gift, they gave the Queen an iPod. I guess she can
      use that while she's jogging. And she likes it. She said it's so much
      easier to use than that giant boom box she used to carry around. (Jay


      President Obama sat next to German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the
      G-20 dinner. He has already gone a long way towards improving U. S.-
      German relations. Three words: No shoulder rub. (Janice Hough)


      The Principal of an Islamic school run by the government of Saudi
      Arabia has admitted that they use textbooks which describe Jewish
      people as "apes" and Christians as "pigs" and says they will continue
      to use them because they are appropriate for 5-year-olds. How lucky
      are we that the Saudis are our allies. (Jay Leno)


      North Korea made launch preparations Thursday for a long-range missile
      which is capable of reaching the West Coast of the United States. The
      situation is the talk of Los Angeles. Wherever that missile lands will
      be the site of our new NFL stadium. (Argus Hamilton)

      At the big G-20 summit, President Obama met with the Chinese
      president, and they had the traditional exchanging of gifts. The
      Chinese do that. They exchange gifts. President Hu Jintao gave
      President Obama a gift made in China, and President Obama gave Hu a
      gift from America made in China. (Jay Leno)

      Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said Sunday there are no plans to
      shoot down North Korea's soon-to-be-launched missile. All the U.S.
      states it could reach voted for Obama. Every day, the GOP's prospects
      for the next presidential election look a little brighter. (Argus


      According to MSNBC, experts say insomnia can double your risk of
      suicide. Well, that'll help you fall asleep. (Jay Leno)

      A dietitian wants a warning label placed on the 4,800-calorie
      hamburgers that will be offered at West Michigan Whitecaps minor
      league baseball games. This thing weighs four pounds. It has five beef
      patties, five slices of cheese, chili, and corn chips; all on an eight-
      inch bun. Eating this thing is a lot like raising one of the Menendez
      brothers; if it doesn't give you a heart attack that night, it's gonna
      kill you when you get up in the morning. (Jerry Perisho)

      According to a neurologist at the Tabriz Medical University in Iran,
      you can clear up your sinuses by pleasuring yourself or by having sex.
      So next time you get caught watching porn, remember to look at your
      wife, sneeze and tell her you have a cold. (Pedro Bartes)

      A World Health Organization official says tuberculosis could take a
      thousand years to eradicate. In other words, victims waiting for a
      cure shouldn't hold their breath.(Jim Barach)

      Johnson & Johnson has come out with a new pill that cures premature
      ejaculation. The way it works is that you take the pill and then two
      minutes later it suddenly makes you think of the chicks on "The
      View." (Alex Kaseberg)

      Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the Middle Ages for
      a cure they say works better than anything they have in modern
      medicine for post-operative blood coagulation. They are going back to
      flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know
      them, HMOs. (Bill Maher)

      The EPA is going to test the air of schools in 22 states to see if
      there are any harmful chemicals floating around. Of course, they'll
      steer clear of the boys' room.. where toxic chemicals have been coming
      out for years. (Tim Hunter)

      According to a new survey, more than one in nine children in the U. S.
      use herbal supplements or some other form of alternative medicine. The
      number would be even higher but they decided not to include "have
      mommy kiss the boo-boo." (Paul Seaburn)

      A study says that name brand heart drugs are no better than their
      generic counterparts. Mostly because of the relapses suffered when
      people get their name brand prescription bills. (Jim Barach)

      Scientists are working on a drug to cure kleptomaniacs. They admit
      such an remedy should have been perfected years ago. But for some
      reason, the formula in the lab kept disappearing. (Alan Ray)

      After extensive studies, researchers at the University of Wisconsin
      have identified the ideal running pace. Forget the research–I believe
      the perfect running pace is just slightly faster than whatever's
      chasing you. (Bill Mihalic)


      We're down to the Final Four now. And by that I mean we're down to the
      last four working banks in America. (Craig Ferguson)

      Terrell Owens didn't show up for the Buffalo Bills' voluntary
      conditioning camp, but it's not like he's not thinking about his new
      team. He asked the Bills to mail him a photo of coach Dick Jauron, so
      T.O. will know who to yell at when he doesn't get enough passes.
      (Scott Ostler)

      The NFL was reported Monday to be thinking of letting players wear
      advertising logos on their uniforms. The ads will be seen not just on
      games, but on SportsCenter forever. As more and more companies get
      bailed out, you can watch the highlight reels year after year and get
      more and more resentful over how they wasted their money. (Argus

      A Michigan baseball team is offering a 4,800 calorie hamburger. The
      four pound burger costs $20. That means that on a good night the
      stadium seats and your arteries can both be filled to capacity.(Jim

      Anna Kournikova rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange
      one morning last week. Moments later the Dow Jones index fell 6-0,
      6-0. (Cam Hutchinson)

      The Nottingham England Rugby Club put 1,000 blow-up dolls in the
      grandstand seats to make the atmosphere look better on TV and film,
      the newest way to inflate your attendance figures. (Len Berman)

      Chicago officials met with IOC officials Friday and made the case for
      Chicago to host the Summer Olympics in seven years. It's premature.
      They shouldn't make any decision until after the games in London, when
      we find out if the American team defects or comes home. (Argus Hamilton)

      With Yankee Sod now up for sale to the public, could Cubs Grass be
      next? Does this need a punchline? OK: Incredibly popular, but almost
      always dead by the end of summer. (Janice Hough)

      NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell urged expanding the NFL season to
      eighteen games with the Super Bowl delayed until President's Day
      weekend. The unions are against the idea. For forty years the Monday
      after the Super Bowl has been a paid hangover day. (Argus Hamilton)

      Front row seats at Yankee Stadium are going for $2,600. But they are
      good seats, you are close enough to inject steroids in the player's
      butts. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Houston shortstop Miguel Tejada was sentenced to a year's probation
      for misleading Congress. If he would have broken the law and
      completely lied to Congress to cover it up, he could have been
      sentenced to bailout money and a huge corporate executive bonus.(Jim

      A New York administrative law judge has ruled that an Albany-area
      exotic club is exempt from paying state sales taxes because pole
      dancing qualifies as art. The ruling not only saved Nite Moves
      $129,000, it made professional athletes the nation's No. 1 patron of
      the arts. (Dwight Perry)

      NFL owners met in Dana Point Tuesday and discussed extending the NFL
      season to eighteen games a year. The timing is perfect to introduce a
      longer season. Now that everybody has stopped remodeling their houses,
      men need something to do with their Sundays. (Argus Hamilton)

      The baseball season begins next week. There will be 45,000 Phillies
      fans on their feet all shouting that familiar refrain. "But officer, I
      haven't had that much to drink." (Alan Ray)

      The American College of Cardiology said Tuesday that NFL fans are so
      rabid that a team losing the Super Bowl risks giving fatal heart
      attacks to its fans. Not so fast. The study wasn't adjusted for the
      pork rinds and empty beer bottles and couches where the heart attacks
      occurred. (Argus Hamilton)


      Hey, you know that new X-Men movie, "Wolverine," that's coming out
      this summer? The F. B.I. is investigating it. There's an HD version
      that was leaked online. As soon as the F. B.I. solves the case,
      they'll get back to looking for bin Laden. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A report says more and more video games are being targeted to
      toddlers. "Absolutely not true," says Take-Two Interactive, makers of
      the new summer release "Grand Theft Tricycle." (Alan Ray)

      “Monsters vs. Aliens” is out in theaters. The film will have you on
      the edge of your seat. That’s because the 5-year- old behind you won’t
      stop kicking the chair. (Alan Ray)

      Dexter starring Michael C. Hall became an iPhone game Monday in which
      the idea is to butcher someone while the audience roots for you.
      Dexter only murders villains. When you download the game you have to
      specify whether you are Democrat or Republican. (Argus Hamilton)

      "Fast and Furious" is out in theaters this weekend. Vin Diesel and
      Paul Walker had to perform stunts with cars at a location the public
      wasn't anywhere near. An auto dealership. (Alan Ray)

      "The Guiding Light" will go off the air after 72 years. The soap opera
      has become irrelevant. Now if viewers want to see constant bickering
      and melodrama they watch Simon and Paula. (Alan Ray)

      MGM will make a movie about the Three Stooges starring Sean Penn, Jim
      Carrey and Benecio Del Toro. When the actors were first told about the
      project, instead of Larry, Moe and Curly they thought they would be
      playing Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.(Jim Barach)


      Critics say a proposal to rescue the newspaper industry would invite
      government control of content. Said one editor, "Do we really want
      'Doonesbury' to stop being funny? Oh, wait…" (Todd Long)

      Rush Limbaugh's ratings got a big jump in March as the Democrats
      demonized him daily. Nothing annoys this administration like a white
      male quoting the Constitution. Their strategy is first to get them off
      the radio and then to get them off the currency. (Argus Hamilton)

      Bill O'Reilly refuses to see Sean Penn movies. O'Reilly really wanted
      to see "Milk". He thinks it's the life story of Louis Pasteur. (Jerry


      Donald Trump has his own line of meat. (no, the boxes aren't topped
      with a toupee) Trump's Kobe beef filet costs over $150 a pound. Nobody
      has paid that much for meat since, well, Alex Rodriguez and Elliot
      Spitzer. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The '80s band Spandau Ballet will tour again. The hour-and-a-half
      concert will feature a collection of their most famous music. They
      haven't decided what to do with the other 87 minutes. (Alan Ray)

      Dennis Rodman was fired by Donald Trump on "Celebrity Apprentice."
      They fired him for drinking on the job. They could tell Rodman was
      drunk when he hit on Joan and Melissa Rivers. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Paris Hilton is lobbying to play Tinkerbell in a new movie version of
      Peter Pan. In the Paris Hilton version, Tinkerbell would spread pixie
      dust as well as a troublesome rash. (Conan O'Brien)

      Britney Spears has paid more than $2 Million in lawyers' fees since
      her father was named her conservator. Just think how much better that
      money would have been spent on singing or acting lessons. (Jim Barach)

      Natalie Cole has received thousands of offers from fans who want to
      donate a kidney to the ailing singer. Cole says she'll get back to
      those fans as soon as she finishes speaking with all her other fans
      who have been offering here heroin and cocaine. (Jake Novak)

      Grammy-winning singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger
      of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. The bad news is he
      could face charges, the good news is he made the mile high club all by
      himself. (Alex Kaseberg)

      NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Michael Vick must show remorse for
      hosting dogfights before he can be reinstated. It seems snobbish to
      target dogfighting and cockfighting. Not everybody has the wardrobe to
      trade on the New York Stock Exchange. (Argus Hamilton)

      Megan Joy was voted off "American Idol" this week. You could see that
      disappointment was written all over her face, since there wasn't any
      room to write anything on her right arm. She'll now focus her efforts
      on her new organization, "People for the right to bare arms and have
      them tattooed." (Tim Hunter)

      Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr will reunite this weekend at Radio City
      Music Hall, not for a concert, just to swap prescription medications
      and tubs of Ben-Gay. (Jake Novak)

      Candy Spelling put her Beverly Hills mansion on the market for one
      hundred and fifty million dollars. It has a hundred rooms, high walls,
      and a guardhouse at the gate. She has a month to sell it before the
      city seizes it and turns it into the Beverly Hills Jail. (Argus

      Bernie Madoff trading cards will be sold this summer as part of a set
      featuring other white-collar criminals such as D. B. Cooper and
      Charles Ponzi.On the back, it says Madoff is 5-feet, 8-inches tall,
      weighs 160 pounds and likes to sing "Some Enchanted Evening" when his
      cell mate crawls into bed with him. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Smoking Gun reported Thursday that Sham Wow commercial spokesman
      Vince Shlomi got in a fight with a hooker in his hotel room. It's easy
      to deduce what started the fight. When he ordered one hooker he
      thought he'd get two, plus free steak knives. (Argus Hamilton)

      The National Enquirer reports that the Octomom did some pole dancing
      before she had 14 kids. Apparently, she didn't do it for the money;
      she was jus walking around with a tube collecting samples from the
      clients. (Pedro Bartes)

      The National Enquirer reports that Octo-mom Nadya Suleman had a brief
      stint as a stripper in a men's club. Then, when one guy came up and
      tucked eight $1 into her G-string she said, "Ooh, I've got an
      idea!" (Tim Hunter)


      As the economy sinks, School Nutrition Program participation is
      rising. Some 425,000 more students are participating in the National
      School Lunch and Breakfast Programs this year than last. And,
      reportedly, some 7-millon grandparents, who spend all their income on
      medicine, are going back to school. "Hey, Gramps gotta eat." (Joe


      Did you hear about the Church of England where people are so upset
      they are leaving the Church. They are going through de-baptisms. Not
      so popular is the Jewish de-circumcision service! [Jay Leno]


      According to a new book by a Canadian business professor,
      procrastination is becoming more and more of a problem in the world.
      The author promises a solution in his next book which he'll start
      writing as soon as he finds some time. (Pedro Bartes)


      As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the
      auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent
      financing. (Jay Leno)

      I guess they're going to, like, be in the car business. President
      Obama said the United States government will stand by your car's
      warranty. Assuming, of course, the government is still around in five
      years. He said you can take that to the bank, assuming your bank is
      still around. (Jay Leno)

      American Airlines will soon make the internet available to all
      domestic passengers. This is great news for business travelers who
      need to go online several times an hour to check if they've been laid
      off yet. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama bluntly rejected the reorganization plans submitted by
      General Motors and Chrysler. He didn't even have to go back to the
      general manager's office to have him review the deal. (Jerry Perisho)

      The President tells the auto companies big changes are needed—fins,
      chrome, and two-tone paint jobs for starts. Vinyl roofs. Tinted bug
      screens. (Michael Feldman)

      So the United States government is now running General Motors, because
      if there's anyone who knows anything about streamlining costs, it's
      the U. S. government, ladies and gentlemen. (David Letterman)

      A New York businessman is launching a new Kosher tequila in time for
      Cinco de Mayo. Certified by a rabbi, the tequila is guaranteed to
      knock you on your tokhes. What makes it Kosher? Is the worm
      circumcised? (Peter Lipsey)


      By golly, you know what it is? April Fool's Day. Happy April Fool's
      Day, everybody. It is crazy when you think about it. Bush has only
      been out of office 10 weeks and he already has his own national
      holiday. (David Letterman)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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