The New Rukes
- From: Bill Maher <http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules>
New Rule: You can't bum-rush the president for autographs after he
just lectured you for an hour about how you have to grow up. Have some
dignity, for Christ's sake. He's your co-worker, not Hannah Montana.
If you're this crazy about him now, what are you going to do when he
turns the country around? Ask him to sign your tit?
New Rule: One more victory lap, and then you really have to get back
to the cockpit. Captain Sullenberger has received standing ovations at
the Super Bowl, on talk shows and in Congress. Which is a lot of
praise for a guy who went up against a flock of geese and lost. This
is not our best crowd. You're right, P.J. Look, I'm all for landing
planes on rivers when they're about to go down, but enough. He landed
on water. He didn't walk on it. And the next time you want to claim
there were no casualties, ask these guys.
New Rule: Bacon, eggs and cheese between two waffles isn't a
breakfast, it's a suicide attempt. This is Dunkin' Donuts new "waffle
sandwich." You can wait in line for yours, or if you're in a hurry,
just snatch the pistol from the cop sitting at the counter and shoot
yourself in the head.
New Rule: We don't need a Broadway musical about Spider-Man. He lives
with his aunt, wears a body stocking and leads a secret double life.
He's gay enough already.
New Rule: To save time, trees and paint, let's change it so we just
put up signs in front of the houses that aren't for sale. And while
we're at it, I don't need to see the real estate lady's head shot on
the sign. I'm looking for bargains, not casting a MILF porno.
And finally, New Rule: If your phone can fart, you're part of the
problem. It was reported this week that one item that's doing well in
our bad economy is downloadable, simulated fart noises for your
iPhone. So much so that the makers of "Pull My Finger" iPhone
application have threatened to sue their competitor, the iFart (wish I
You know, there's a line in "Lawrence of Arabia," where Lawrence tells
the Bedouin leader that his people, the Arabs, are in danger of always
being seen as "a little people, a silly people." Which brings me to
This is the Snuggie. It's a blanket with sleeves. Oh, let's call it
what it really is: a full-length bib. And we, the Americans now, are
in danger of becoming "a silly people." A people who couldn't control
their greed or self-indulgence. Which is why every man, woman and
child in America now owes China $6,000. Imagine owing that to a
bookie? On the other hand, this is so cozy.
And, look, my arms are free! So the Chinese can break them.
Believe me, if the Chinese get a look at us in our Snuggies, and they
will make the f@#in' things, I'm sure. They're going to decide, "We
can't buy any more treasury bills from these people; they're wearing
blankets with sleeves!" "Of course they're not going to pay us back!"
This is 'snuggie.' Now, in his speech before Congress on Tuesday, the
president pointed out that we're addicted to oil, can't afford health
care, our education system is broken, our economy is near collapse,
and the day of reckoning has arrived. But, many members of Congress
didn't hear all that, because during the speech, they were
"Twittering." Which is when you type out little messages on your hand-
held device to tell everyone what you're doing right now! Like, "I'm
displaying the very self-absorption that will destroy us all!"
What must Obama have thought as he looked upon this? Hey, "Senator
Gossip Girl," I'm up here. You know, Nero fiddled while Rome burned,
but at least he knew how to play an instrument. Folks, this is not a
drill. This is the real thing. Our "booze cruise" has hit the iceberg.
And I don't want it to sink. We all need to get involved and learn how
to do things and make things again. This is the moment where we must
steel our resolve, reach through our blanket screens, grab our farting
phone and send off a mighty Twitter saying, "Yes, we can!!" (Bill Maher)