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The New Rukes

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  • Stan Kegel
    From: Bill Maher New Rule: You can t bum-rush the president for autographs after he just lectured you for an hour
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 7, 2009
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      From: Bill Maher <http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules>

      New Rule: You can't bum-rush the president for autographs after he
      just lectured you for an hour about how you have to grow up. Have some
      dignity, for Christ's sake. He's your co-worker, not Hannah Montana.
      If you're this crazy about him now, what are you going to do when he
      turns the country around? Ask him to sign your tit?

      New Rule: One more victory lap, and then you really have to get back
      to the cockpit. Captain Sullenberger has received standing ovations at
      the Super Bowl, on talk shows and in Congress. Which is a lot of
      praise for a guy who went up against a flock of geese and lost. This
      is not our best crowd. You're right, P.J. Look, I'm all for landing
      planes on rivers when they're about to go down, but enough. He landed
      on water. He didn't walk on it. And the next time you want to claim
      there were no casualties, ask these guys.

      New Rule: Bacon, eggs and cheese between two waffles isn't a
      breakfast, it's a suicide attempt. This is Dunkin' Donuts new "waffle
      sandwich." You can wait in line for yours, or if you're in a hurry,
      just snatch the pistol from the cop sitting at the counter and shoot
      yourself in the head.

      New Rule: We don't need a Broadway musical about Spider-Man. He lives
      with his aunt, wears a body stocking and leads a secret double life.
      He's gay enough already.

      New Rule: To save time, trees and paint, let's change it so we just
      put up signs in front of the houses that aren't for sale. And while
      we're at it, I don't need to see the real estate lady's head shot on
      the sign. I'm looking for bargains, not casting a MILF porno.

      And finally, New Rule: If your phone can fart, you're part of the
      problem. It was reported this week that one item that's doing well in
      our bad economy is downloadable, simulated fart noises for your
      iPhone. So much so that the makers of "Pull My Finger" iPhone
      application have threatened to sue their competitor, the iFart (wish I
      were kidding).

      You know, there's a line in "Lawrence of Arabia," where Lawrence tells
      the Bedouin leader that his people, the Arabs, are in danger of always
      being seen as "a little people, a silly people." Which brings me to
      the Snuggie.

      This is the Snuggie. It's a blanket with sleeves. Oh, let's call it
      what it really is: a full-length bib. And we, the Americans now, are
      in danger of becoming "a silly people." A people who couldn't control
      their greed or self-indulgence. Which is why every man, woman and
      child in America now owes China $6,000. Imagine owing that to a
      bookie? On the other hand, this is so cozy.

      And, look, my arms are free! So the Chinese can break them.

      Believe me, if the Chinese get a look at us in our Snuggies, and they
      will make the f@#in' things, I'm sure. They're going to decide, "We
      can't buy any more treasury bills from these people; they're wearing
      blankets with sleeves!" "Of course they're not going to pay us back!"

      This is 'snuggie.' Now, in his speech before Congress on Tuesday, the
      president pointed out that we're addicted to oil, can't afford health
      care, our education system is broken, our economy is near collapse,
      and the day of reckoning has arrived. But, many members of Congress
      didn't hear all that, because during the speech, they were
      "Twittering." Which is when you type out little messages on your hand-
      held device to tell everyone what you're doing right now! Like, "I'm
      displaying the very self-absorption that will destroy us all!"

      What must Obama have thought as he looked upon this? Hey, "Senator
      Gossip Girl," I'm up here. You know, Nero fiddled while Rome burned,
      but at least he knew how to play an instrument. Folks, this is not a
      drill. This is the real thing. Our "booze cruise" has hit the iceberg.
      And I don't want it to sink. We all need to get involved and learn how
      to do things and make things again. This is the moment where we must
      steel our resolve, reach through our blanket screens, grab our farting
      phone and send off a mighty Twitter saying, "Yes, we can!!" (Bill Maher)
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