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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-07-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-07-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK In light of recent developments, the famous phrase Not for all the tea in China
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 7 1:59 PM
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-07-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      In light of recent developments, the famous phrase "Not for all the
      tea in China" will be changed immediately to "Not for all the T-Bills
      in China." (Paul Feehan)

      The case is finally coming to court of a North Carolina firm that
      collected human body parts for transplants, which was closed because
      the owners kept inaccurate records. It appears the owner just doesn’t
      have a leg to stand on. Although the owner put his heart and soul into
      it, he just didn’t have a good head for business. (Jerry Perisho)

      So they got a swing set there on the White House lawn and I got to
      thinking, "Wow! There really hasn't been any swinging at the White
      House since that heavyset intern." (David Letterman)

      There was a huge snowstorm in Washington, D.C. They are calling it the
      city's biggest snow job since that stimulus package. (Jay Leno)

      I'll miss New York but both New York and California have their
      downsides. California has earthquakes, mudslides, and brush fires; New
      York has the Knicks, the Mets and the Jets." (Conan O'Brien, whose NBC
      show is relocating to Los Angeles)

      President Obama says it's only the "rich few" who oppose his spending
      plan. What he meant to say was that after his plan is enacted, only a
      few of us will be rich. (Jake Novak)

      Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax
      evaders after failing to pay his own taxes. It is all part of the
      government's "Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do." (Jay Leno)

      Cubs outfielder Kosuke Fukudome's monthly batting averages, March to
      October, for the 2008 season: 1.000, .305, .293, .264, .236, .193, .
      178, .100. No word on whether he answers to the nickname of "Stock
      Market." (Dwight Perry)

      Rush Limbaugh spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference in
      a speech that was televised live from coast to coast. He's enjoying
      record-high ratings for his radio show and people cheer him wherever
      he goes. So far the only American to benefit from Barack Obama's
      policies is Rush Limbaugh. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. A White
      House spokesman said the President has bigger things to worry about.
      I'm thinking, "Really? Bigger than Rush Limbaugh?" Have you seen Rush
      lately? (Jay Leno)

      According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they're
      worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do
      with the fact they're sleeping under bridges. (Craig Ferguson)

      The Weather Channel showed a huge winter storm dropping snow from New
      England down to Georgia Tuesday. The timing was perfect. If college
      kids want to play in the snow this week they don't have to go to
      Mexico and get killed trying to buy some. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ECONOMY

      I'll tell you how bad the economy is. Listen, I was in Beverly Hills,
      and I saw a guy driving an American car. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama is saying it’s a good time to buy stocks. So here’s
      what you do. Instead of that latte you buy in the morning, pick
      yourself up a thousand shares of G.M. (David Letterman)

      Today, I went to the ATM to get $20, and the machine spit out 20
      shares of Citibank, and some change. (Jerry Perisho)

      And the Federal Reserve chairman said today that the $700 billion
      bailout of the banks is not going to be enough money. When did the
      Federal Reserve become like a car mechanic, you know? "Yeah, we can
      get the economy running for maybe $700 billion, but there's no
      guarantee it's not gonna stall out on you." (Jay Leno)

      Rhianna and Chris Brown are back together. Not everything is bad for
      Rhianna; at least she is going to get sunglasses endorsement. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      Star magazine is hinting that Rhianna and Chris Brown got already
      married because they saw a minister entering the mansion where they
      both were staying in Miami. Not to be pessimistic but knowing Chris
      Brown, the minister could have been called to give the final rites.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation is warning that its deposit
      insurance fund could go broke this year. So, the only deposits that
      you need not worry about are at your sperm bank and inside your
      carotid arteries. (Jerry Perisho)

      I'm worried about this recession. Opportunity knocked and asked if I
      could spare a few bucks. (Gil Stern)

      The Dow Jones numbers are so low today they were made an honorary NBC
      affiliate. That's how bad the economy is. (Jay Leno)

      Today, president Obama said that buying stocks could be a good deal.
      It’d better be; we just bought 36% of City Bank stocks. (Pedro Bartes)

      President Obama said Tuesday stocks are so low this is a good time to
      buy. Three trillion dollars of personal wealth has disappeared since
      he got elected. The unemployment rate will skyrocket now that
      everybody who's retired is looking for a job. (Argus Hamilton)

      The economy is so bad, I saw Bill Maher in church praying, and later,
      I saw Warren Buffett buying lottery tickets. (Jay Leno)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Barack Obama declared in his Saturday address he came to Washington to
      provide the sweeping changes the people of the United States demanded
      by electing him. He believes it's morally right to soak the rich
      because they're feasting on the ill-gotten gains of colonialism. He's
      bored with being Jesus, he's decided to be Gandhi. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama may be losing it. Yesterday he signed a stimulus
      package for the Edsel. (Bill Williams)

      How about that President Obama? Over the weekend he went to a
      basketball game, went to see the Bulls and the Wizards. And I thought,
      well, hell, if he'd gone to a Knicks game, he could have played.
      (David Letterman)

      Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's
      right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They
      have a two-year layover in Afghanistan. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama telephoned former President Bush in Dallas Friday to
      brief him about his plans to withdraw United States troops from Iraq.
      The call was merely a courtesy. If he really wanted an expert on
      pullouts he would have called Bill Clinton. (Argus Hamilton)

      Some say Obama is arrogant. Yeah, but he's smart. We already tried
      arrogant and stupid. And that didn't work. (Will Durst)

      Barack Obama bought a brand new swing set for his daughters, Malia and
      Sasha. It has a slide and a rope ladder. It's great. It's much nicer
      than the one George Bush used. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama put a swing set on the south grounds of the White
      House for his kids Wednesday. This brought back some great memories
      for comedians. The last time there was a swing set at the White House,
      Monica Lewinsky pulled the plaster out of the Oval Office ceiling.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      You know the Obama kids? They got a swing set there on the White House
      lawn. And here's the nice thing. This is what you like about Obama. He
      is a very conscientious guy. Thinks of everything, because the swing
      set didn't cost the taxpayers anything. They built the swing set out
      of old pieces of Dick Cheney's guard tower. (David Letterman)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Our new Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, is working very hard
      traveling all over the world. She's been to Korea, Japan, China,
      Egypt, Israel, or as Bill calls it, "spring break! Yeah!" (Jay Leno)

      Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN's chief medical correspondent, has withdrawn his
      name from consideration as surgeon general of the United States.
      Apparently, when he took a look at Biden and Pelosi, he realized how
      much work he was going to have to do. (Pedro Bartes)

      The President's latest nominee, this one for U. S. trade
      representative, a man named Ron Kirk, who owes the government $10,000
      in back taxes, has agreed to pay his taxes. That's what the paper said
      today. He's agreed to pay them. When was there a choice? (Jay Leno)

      U.S. Trade Representative nominee Ron Kirk owes the IRS ten thousand
      dollars, an error disclosed Monday by the Senate Finance Committee
      considering his nomination. Another one of these pop up every week.
      Apparently Friday is casual tax day at the White House. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama officially named Gov. Kathleen Sebelius of Kansas as
      his choice for health secretary. Her first order of business will be
      to find a cure for peanut butter. (Paul Seaburn)

      Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner testified in front of the House Ways
      and Means Committee Tuesday. He told them the administration is
      gearing up to go after tax evaders. Did he ever get a cold shoulder
      when he showed up at the next cabinet meeting. (Argus Hamilton)

      TAXES

      Many Democrats are not sure President Obama's plan to raise taxes on
      the wealthy will work. Among the most doubtful are wealthy Democrats.
      (Todd Long)

      Rich Americans are suing Swiss bank UBS to keep their names secret.
      The government wants the names of account holders who are avoiding
      taxes. Apparently releasing the names could completely wipe out the
      Obama Cabinet. (Jim Barach)

      Governor Schwarzenegger is raising California's taxes by $12 billion.
      Or, as Arnold calls it, "two Jerry Bruckheimer movies." (Todd Long)

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress is pushing through a new $410 billion omnibus spending bill
      that includes millions of dollars for driftwood cleanup on the
      Potomac. American taxpayers would be more supportive of a bill that
      cleans up the deadwood on the Potomac known as Congress. (Jake Novak)

      THE STATES

      Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says he may turn down $100 Million in
      stimulus funds from the Federal Government. Congress is threatening to
      investigate him. A politician turning down money could set a bad
      precedent for everyone else. (Jim Barach)

      West Virginia lawmakers will debate a bill which bans Barbie doll
      sales in the state. The bill claims the doll gives little girls
      unrealistic expectations. Barbie owns a Dream House and a Corvette,
      and that only happens when Republicans control Congress. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      Here in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval ratings
      have been down lately. People seem to be having second thoughts about
      having elected a robot to run the state. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      One in 10 Californians are now unemployed. Unfortunately, Arnold
      Schwarzenegger isn't one of them. (Craig Ferguson)

      Georgia law enforcement agents Tuesday arrested members of an assisted
      suicide group called the Final Exit Network. It's against the law in
      Georgia to help someone commit suicide. If they want to eat the peanut
      butter you can't open the jar for them. (Argus Hamilton)

      LOCAL NEWS

      New Yorkers were reported Friday to be bottling the city's tap water
      and selling it for two dollars a bottle. It's pumped from the upstate
      Hudson River and always voted America's best drinking water. This
      year's bouquet offers just a hint of airline fuel. (Argus Hamilton)


      Things are so tough in Los Angeles that if you throw a dog a bone, the
      dog has to signal for a fair catch. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Massachusetts man has been fined $500 for attacking a Chuck E.
      Cheese mascot. The judge says the next offense will be more punitive.
      It could mean up to five days in the restaurant. (Alan Ray)

      Los Angeles County Supervisors on Monday designated the first week of
      March as No Cussing Week. Good luck. It's not going to work as long as
      the cable news channels keep that running stock market ticker in the
      lower right hand corner of the TV screen. (Argus Hamilton)

      Authorities report that a Florida woman called 911 three times after
      McDonald's employees told her they were out of Chicken McNuggets. The
      cops said they could not respond to such frivolous calls, unless
      donuts were involved. (Marv Kaminsky)

      Los Angeles police talked down a naked man who was threatening to jump
      off the cross atop a church steeple Sunday. He's lucky a cop happened
      along. Nudity's been the official religion of Los Angeles for so long
      that nobody even noticed him up there. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has signed a six-figure deal to write a
      book exposing the dark and corrupt side of politics. So, apparently,
      it's an autobiography. (Jay Leno)

      Ousted Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has made a deal to write a
      book. But anyone wanting to read it will first have to make a $10,000
      campaign donation. (Jake Novak)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      The Republican Party said it would donate Sarah Palin's $150,000
      wardrobe to a needy cause. That's nice, that's nice. They looked
      around. It turns out the neediest cause is the Republican Party.
      (Jimmy Fallon)

      This past weekend, the Conservative Political Action Conference picked
      Mitt Romney over Sarah Palin in their straw poll to be the next
      presidential candidate. Yeah. Well, it's kind of interesting. I mean,
      one is just a pretty face, obsessed with makeup and hair. And the
      other, of course, is the governor of Alaska. (Jay Leno)

      Security problems are delaying newspaper delivery to President Bush's
      new home in Dallas. That's great. After eight years of being
      President, NOW he wants to start reading the paper. (Jim Barach)

      Do you remember Vice President Dick Cheney? Well, listen to this.
      Cheney has now been invited to speak at the American Museum of Fly
      Fishing. After his speech, he’s going to demonstrate how to waterboard
      a trout. (David Letterman)

      As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican
      Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. (David Letterman)

      Rush Limbaugh said today that he was rooting for the planet Earth to
      explode because it would help the GOP retake the White House. Mr.
      Limbaugh explained that if the world blows up in the next four years
      "it will happen on Barack Obama's watch. Let's face it, the world
      exploding would be great for the GOP and Barack Obama knows it. That's
      why he is doing everything in his power to keep the planet from
      blowing up." (Andy Borowitz)

      Rush Limbaugh says that he can defeat President Obama in a debate. I'm
      thinking maybe a competitive eating contest, but I don't know about a
      debate. (David Letterman)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      The White House said Thursday the U. S. government will stop raiding
      medical marijuana clinics in places where it's legal. Reaction was
      swift. The next day Michael Phelps said he had a doctor's prescription
      to go to that party in South Carolina last month. (Argus Hamilton)

      In Ohio, a woman was arrested for driving while breast-feeding her
      baby. She was charged with child endangerment and the lesser charge of
      impersonating Britney Spears. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A man in California was arrested when he arrived to take the Police
      Department entrance exam. Investigators identified him as a suspect in
      the robbery of a Kmart. They noticed he had a discount price on his
      head. (Doug Austen)

      Bernard Madoff, the man who operated the Ponzi scheme that screwed $50
      billion out of people is now saying he should be allowed to keep $62
      million and his $7 million penthouse. Yeah. His lawyers are arguing he
      needs that money to live out the rest of his life. You know, I've got
      a solution for that, O.K.? It's called the death penalty. (Jay Leno)

      Bernie Madoff is asking the federal court to allow him to keep his
      Manhattan penthouse. Madoff is arguing that if he loses his home, he
      might run out of places to hide all his stolen money. (Jake Novak)

      SECURITY & TERRORISM

      National Intelligence Council chairman nominee Charles Freeman was
      brought up for questioning by Congress Wednesday over controversial
      past statements he's made. He was quoted calling the occupation of
      conquered land an act of violence. His nomination is in limbo until he
      clarifies whether he meant Iraq or Israel or America. (Argus Hamilton)

      The U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee will investigate the CIA's
      torture methods this week. It's a seminar. President Obama wants to
      learn how to get honest answers when he asks his Commerce Secretary
      nominees if they have ever done anything illegal. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Senate announced plans this week to probe CIA torture during the
      Bush administration. We now know that waterboarding just doesn't work.
      Wall Street has been under water since September and bankers still
      won't say what they did with the money. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MILITARY

      President Obama announced that he plans to bring the troops home from
      Iraq in 18 months. But the troops actually responded and said, "Thank
      you, but the economy's better over here, so we're going to
      stay." (Jimmy Fallon)

      NASA & SPACE

      Cal Tech confirmed Wednesday that a giant flying asteroid whizzed
      close to the earth last week. It was a near disaster. Had it destroyed
      the earth, mankind's last thought would've been that we really didn't
      need separate garbage cans for recyclables. (Argus Hamilton)

      NASA will launch the Kepler spacecraft, mounted with the biggest
      telescope ever, later today. Its mission is to find Earth-like planets
      in the Milky Way... and then ask them for $500 trillion to bail us
      out. (Jake Novak)

      Australia's astronomers last week spotted a forty-yard-wide asteroid
      whistling past the earth's atmosphere in plain view. Americans weren't
      surprised to hear about it. In this economy even God was trying to
      catch the eye of NFL scouts at the combine. (Argus Hamilton)

      MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

      Fidel Castro was reported Friday to have taken a walk through Havana
      last week looking healthier than he has in years. He certainly must
      feel vindicated. Barack Obama used his ideas to get elected and Bill
      Clinton used his cigars to get impeached. (Argus Hamilton)

      ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

      Prime Minister Gordon Brown arrives today for a meeting with President
      Obama. A month ago Obama ejected Churchill's bust from the Oval Office
      over differences in policy. Churchill offered blood, sweat, toil and
      tears, and Barack Obama doesn't require toil. (Argus Hamilton)

      Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced Wednesday that Queen Elizabeth
      is giving a knighthood to Teddy Kennedy. It's well-deserved. The
      Kennedy men have been on their very best behavior ever since pepper
      spray was invented to make it a fair fight. (Argus Hamilton)

      Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with President Obama to devise a
      Global New Deal to provide food, supplies and prosperity to people in
      every country. How did the Third World wind up on welfare so fast?
      Just last week they had all our factory jobs. (Argus Hamilton)

      FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

      French President Nicolas Sarkozy received another death threat
      yesterday, when he opened a letter that was filled with bullets. It's
      almost as scary as last year, when he barely escaped after being faxed
      a picture of a knife. (Jimmy Fallon)

      IRAQ & IRAN

      For the first time, millions of Iraqis have access to the Internet.
      They can even go on Facebook, as long as the face is wearing a veil.
      (Jimmy Fallon)

      Yesterday, the arts and cinema adviser to the Iranian president, whose
      name is Mockmood Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, demanded an apology from
      Hollywood. He says that Hollywood makes movies that are offensive to
      Iranians. The story is in The New York Times so you know there may be
      some truth to it. Maybe. (Craig Ferguson)

      Saddam Hussein's cousin Chemical Ali was given a death sentence for
      the third time Monday by a tribunal in Iraq. He was in charge of
      building Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. The moral is, never hire
      a relative if you really want the job done. (Argus Hamilton)

      ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is offering a pledge of $900
      million to the Palestinians in Gaza. See, apparently, we ran out of
      banks in this country to bail out. So now we're bailing out the West
      Bank as well. (Jay Leno)

      Hillary Clinton flew to the Middle East Monday to deliver nine hundred
      million dollars to the Palestinian Authority. The money is for
      construction projects. Everywhere Hamas operates there's a building
      boom, just not necessarily in that order. (Argus Hamilton)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      Journal Science said Monday you can pre-select a baby's eye color and
      intellect and athleticism with DNA before an embryo is implanted. How
      scary. In nine months, Nadya Suleman could break her own record by
      giving birth to the L.A. Dodgers starting line-up. (Argus Hamilton)

      Scientists say the hydrogen sulphide smell of rotten eggs is arousing
      to men and could create an alternative to Viagra. So, when your team
      plays so poorly that the hometown fans throw rotten eggs at you,
      there’s an up side! (Jerry Perisho)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      President Obama overturned a Bush administration regulation Monday
      that limited protection for endangered species. He doesn't want
      anything to go extinct while he's in office. He may have to cut taxes
      to protect the habitat of the endangered investor. (Argus Hamilton)

      A huge blizzard covered the East Coast with 10 inches of snow. Police
      said there would've been traffic jams if people still had jobs to go
      to. (Craig Ferguson)

      There is so much snow in New York, Alex Rodriguez had his cousin
      inject anti-freeze into his butt. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Cold in New York City today, where it was 24 degrees outside. Wait a
      minute. I'm sorry. That was the Dow Jones Average. (David Letterman)

      It was so cold in New York Alex Rodriguez got back with Madonna just
      for the hot flashes. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Beautiful day. It was so sunny, as a matter of fact, down on Wall
      Street, the stockbrokers were applying sunscreen before they jumped.
      (David Letterman)

      Today, they unveiled a totally new method of snow removal. What they
      do, is they put A. I. G. in charge of it and the snow just disappears.
      (Jay Leno)

      SPORTS

      New York Yankees executives worked the phones around the clock Friday
      trying to sell luxury boxes in the new Yankee Stadium. The clock's
      ticking. If they're not all occupied by opening day, Barney Frank is
      going to move homeless people into them. (Argus Hamilton)

      Doctors say New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez has a torn labrum in
      his right hip that may require surgery. Doctors say they may want to
      operate, but A-Rod’s cousin says he has some stuff from the Dominican
      that will fix it in no time. (Jerry Perisho)

      Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner signed a two-year deal
      Wednesday for four million dollars a year. He also gets a fifteen
      million dollar bonus. It's not clear what he's done to deserve such a
      bonus, he hasn't run one company into the ground. (Argus Hamilton)

      Los Angeles Dodgers fans flooded the team office with ticket requests
      Wednesday when the team signed Manny Ramirez for forty-five million
      dollars. Now he's besieged by fans wherever he goes. The whole town is
      thrilled to have a buyer who can qualify. (Argus Hamilton)

      Michael Vick was scheduled Friday to be released from prison in May.
      The worm has turned. Just a year ago Michael Vick was reviled for
      arranging dogfights, and today he is admired as the last man in
      America who knows how to make money in a hurry. (Argus Hamilton)

      The local economy here in Los Angeles is improving, especially if your
      name is Manny Ramirez. Ramirez signed a two-year, $45 million deal
      with pro baseball's Los Angeles Dodgers. And Ramirez played hardball
      for that money. He told the Dodgers that if they did not give him the
      money he was asking for, he was going to leave and go over to A. I.
      G., who has plenty of dough. (Jay Leno)

      The Dallas Cowboys have released wide receiver Terrell Owens. For the
      Cowboys, the move frees up $34 million in salary cap money and $980
      billion in Prozac costs through 2010. (Jake Novak)

      New England Patriots star Tom Brady married Gisele Bundchen in Santa
      Monica on Friday. She's a German supermodel and he's the handsomest
      quarterback who ever lived. They're going to live in a bomb shelter
      and breed a race of perfect people. (Argus Hamilton)

      Darryl Strawberry says he would have used performance-enhancing drugs,
      but there's only so many hours in a day. (Fark.com)

      Just wondering, if Alex Rodriguez needs a hip operation, who does he
      ask to perform the surgery — the team doctor, or A-Rod's cousin?
      (Dwight Perry)

      Michael Vick was ordered under house arrest Friday after doing his
      prison time for dogfighting. This could work out for him. When the
      house goes into foreclosure and the marshals come to evict him he can
      say that he's got a court order to be there. (Argus Hamilton)

      Vijay Singh wore the hat and logo of Stanford Financial Group at the
      Accenture Match Play Championship, despite the firm's shutdown by SEC
      regulators on suspicion of pulling an eight billion dollar fraud.
      Perhaps he hadn't yet heard. Vijay's new financial adviser looked at
      his books and advised him to go home to India and try to get on a game
      show. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ex-NASCAR driver and crew chief Dean Combs faces charges after a 300-
      gallon still was found on his property near North Wilkesboro Speedway.
      Alcohol and firearms agents figured the still was his the instant they
      spotted the restrictor plate on it. (Wilkes (N.C.) Journal-Patriot)

      On reports that swimmer Michael Phelps hides out in strip clubs to
      avoid photographers: "Get shot by paparazzi outside or Plaxico Burress
      inside." (Gregg Drinnan)

      On the possibility of the 0-16 Lions taking Wake Forest linebacker
      Aaron Curry with the first pick in the NFL draft: "For him, that would
      be like going from the Wake to the funeral." (Steve Schrader)

      Struggling to find a sponsor for the Kansas Speedway's event this
      fall, Nascar announced it will be called the "Price Chopper 400
      Presented by Kraft Foods". And you thought event names couldn't get
      any cheesier! (Jerry Perisho)

      New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and Brazilian supermodel
      Gisele Bundchen got married in a private ceremony. Guests could tell
      the couple have been spending a lot of time together because Gisele
      threw the bouquet 60 yards. (Paul Seaburn)

      Researchers from the University of Exeter in the UK have found that an
      athlete's on-field performance can actually be improved just by having
      family in the stands. It is true, when A-Rod has his cousin around, he
      gets a lot better. (Pedro Bartes)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      I hear they are making a movie about the rip-off artists who
      perpetrate Ponzi schemes: Scumdog Millionaire (Harry Farkas)

      Siegfried and Roy headed back to the stage for a one-night-only
      comeback performance, but the old act just wasn't what it used to be.
      For instance, instead of sticking his head in a tiger's mouth, Roy
      stuck his head in a box of Frosted Flakes. (Bill Williams)

      In a reality show shocker, "The Bachelor" chose one woman, but then
      weeks later changed his mind. And John McCain said, "You can do
      that?" (Janice Hough)

      "Watchmen" is out in theaters. A plot is uncovered that would destroy
      all superheroes. Each is lent a subprime mortgage. (Alan Ray)

      Siegfried and Roy returned to the Las Vegas stage Sunday with the
      Bengal tiger Montecore who mauled Roy onstage six years ago. The tiger
      seemed happy to be back on the main stage. Due to the economic crisis
      they were only feeding him lounge comics. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      California Assemblyman Joel Anderson asked Google to blur the
      satellite images of Los Angeles available on the Internet. There are
      security concerns. Revealing what Californians look like in the back
      yard is a breach of actor-God confidentiality. (Argus Hamilton)

      CELEBRITIES

      Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman was offered one million dollars
      to star in a porno film Wednesday and the next day she was seen
      shopping for a million dollar home in fashionable Westwood. No one's
      upset. In this market, a buyer's a buyer. (Argus Hamilton)

      Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman turned down an offer of free
      child care and a place to live Friday after the facility refused to
      allow cameras in for a reality show. She's already hooked on media
      attention. Ten years from now, the Democrats will be moaning about the
      sentencing disparity between powdered celebrity and crack celebrity.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      Octomom Nadya Suleman says it was out-of-control hormones that
      prompted her to place a frantic 911 call when one of her kids wandered
      off. She was injected with over-the-counter Dominican hormones by Alex
      Rodriguez’s cousin. (Jerry Perisho)

      In honor of Nadya Suleman the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is
      offering a new breakfast meal: You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and
      the guy next to you has to pay the bill. (via Tim Hunter)

      It's being reported that the octomom's home is in danger of
      foreclosure. Apparently, the family is getting pretty desperate for
      money. I understand three of her kids are already working for Nike.
      (Jay Leno)

      Meghan McCain, John McCain's daughter, said she's tired of constantly
      dating guys who are obsessed with how great her father is. Fortunately
      for her, she already dated all three of them. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Word is that Bill Gates has banned all Apple computer products from
      his home. To counter, Apple founder Steven Jobs doesn't allow any of
      his computers to run slow or display blue screens of death. (Tim Hunter)

      EDUCATION

      Universities are issuing travel advisories to students to stay out of
      Mexico on spring break. Apparently school officials feel that drunk
      and naked coeds are much safer staying in the U.S. (Jim Barach)

      Several states are offering parents and kids the choice between sex ed
      classes that stress abstinence or classes that promote contraception.
      But most kids are opting for the classes with less science and math.
      (Jake Novak)

      RELIGION

      James Dobson has resigned as chairman of the conservative Christian
      group Focus on the Family. Apparently he wants to spend less time with
      his family. (Paul Seaburn)

      HISTORY

      On this day in 1644 Massachusetts became the first colony to have a
      legislative body composed of two chambers. Congress has two chambers.
      When one chamber votes for a bill that will benefit the nation, it's
      the other chamber's job to vote against it. (Comedy Calendar)

      The first corn flakes cereal was served to Dr. John Kellogg's patients
      at a Battle Creek, Michigan, mental institution on this day in 1897.
      The mental patients loved Kellogg's corn flakes. You might say they
      were crazy about it. (Comedy Calendar)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A Russian man died after downing a bottle of Viagra to have sex with
      two women. The family was forced to have an open casket funeral.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      According to researchers from Harvard Business School, the state with
      the highest number of porn subscribers is Utah. I guess when you start
      getting tired of wife number nine you need to resort to a different
      kind of stimulation. (Pedro Bartes)

      According to a new study by a Harvard Business School professor, when
      it comes to online pornography, 8 of the top 10 porn-consuming states
      voted Republican in 2008. Republicans watch more pornography than
      Democrats. So, apparently, while they were voting for McCain, they
      were fantasizing about Sarah Palin. (Jay Leno)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The White House released statistics Friday showing that unemployment
      could soon reach ten percent nationwide. The big cities are hit
      hardest. Things are so tough in Los Angeles that if you throw a dog a
      bone, the dog has to signal for a fair catch. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Irish airline Ryanair may install pay lavatories. This could
      change flight protocol dramatically. It would bring new meaning to the
      term "holding pattern." (Alan Ray)

      Discount airline Ryanair is considering pay toilets on its flights. $1
      per use. The best thing to do would be not drinking any liquids before
      flying with them... or, you could just be pissing away your money.
      (Tim Hunter)

      Ryanair says it may start charging passengers on its flights $1.40 to
      use the restroom. However, they say they will provide all the free
      water anyone can drink for the entire flight. (Jim Barach)

      GM lost $9.6 Billion in the fourth quarter of 2008. Why are they still
      making cars? They could cut their losses by just paying workers to sit
      around and save money by not buying any car parts. (Jim Barach)

      Bank of America canceled a deal to sponsor Yankee Stadium on Friday.
      The bank feared negative publicity after taking bailout money. Every
      time the grounds crew pulled the tarp over the field it would just
      remind taxpayers they are getting soaked. (Argus Hamilton)

      Citigroup agreed to a plan Friday that will allow the federal
      government to own thirty-six percent of all common shares in the bank.
      Shareholders don't know what to do. The stock is so watered down even
      Las Vegas bartenders are refusing to sell it. (Argus Hamilton)

      The U.S. government will provide troubled insurance giant AIG another
      $30 billion. AIG executives are promising to spend this money much
      more wisely by making less risky investments and using discount
      hookers. (Jake Novak)

      After reporting a 48 percent drop in car sales, a Ford spokesman said,
      "We're building a foundation for future growth." Which is good because
      they've already dug the hole. (Robert Stupple)

      Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open stores to compete
      with Apple. Microsoft says that they'll be just like the Apple stores,
      except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question. (Jimmy
      Fallon)

      Microsoft is promoting its new search engine, called Kumo, to compete
      with Google. Bill Gates promised that it will make Microsoft the No. 1
      place on the web for things that have already been invented. (Jimmy
      Fallon)

      OTHER NEWS

      One of the new 44-cent stamps features a pair of wedding rings. But
      about half the people who lick them will get a really bad taste in
      their mouths. (Jerry Perisho)

      A man living in a cave in Missouri faces foreclosure. The question is,
      who is this guy's mortgage broker? (Jim Barach)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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