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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-14-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-14-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Monday is President’s Day. Legend has it George Washington heaved a silver
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 14, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-14-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Monday is President’s Day. Legend has it George Washington heaved a
      silver dollar across the Potomac. To commemorate the event, this week
      Congress will throw lots of money away. (Alan Ray)

      Money talks and taxes are how it eats its own words. (Gil Stern)

      Spring training is just around the corner. Next week, pitchers and
      catchers and pharmacists report. (Gary Loewen)

      Michael Phelps relationship with Kellogg's has gone up in smoke. (Tim
      Hunter)

      I just noticed that if you divide the 2009 FDA budget by the
      population of the US, you get $6.25, exactly enough to buy every
      American a bulk pack of Keebler's Cheese and Peanut Butter Crackers.
      Coincidence? I think not! (Paul Benoit)

      When we came on the air back in 1993, the Federal debt was $4
      trillion. Now, $4 trillion is how much President Obama’s Cabinet owes
      in back taxes. (Conan O'Brien)

      People are sick and tired of the cold weather. Here's how cold it was
      today in Washington, D.C. Vice President Joe Biden put his foot in his
      mouth just to keep it warm. (David Letterman)

      Today, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress.
      Bank C.E.O.'s in a room full of politicians -- they had to flip a coin
      to see who's going to tell the first lie. (Jay Leno)

      The Labor Department said Monday women are still paid seventy-eight
      percent of what men make. For every hundred dollars a congressman
      makes, a prostitute makes only seventy-eight dollars. This violates
      the law requiring equal pay for equal work. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama says without Lincoln's presidency, a black man might
      never have been elected President. All due respect to Lincoln, but
      without George W. Bush's efforts, a black man might not have been
      elected President.(Janice Hough)

      To give you an idea how bad the economy is, in New York people are
      going to Knicks games just to see something that sucks worse than Wall
      Street. (Scott Witt)

      A woman who ran an escort service servicing Wall Street gave an
      interview to ABC and said that some of the banks CEO’s were her
      clients. I don’t believe her, why would the banker pay to have sex if
      they have been screwing the country for free for years?. (Pedro Bartes)

      In the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, model Brooklyn Decker
      is naked except for a world map painted on her. Many Americans
      previously clueless about geography are expressing a sudden interest
      in the Netherlands. (Marv Kaminsky)

      See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you're not
      performing well, and you're taking taxpayer money, then that should be
      reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that criteria, everybody in
      Congress should get like, what, 2 bucks an hour? (Jay Leno)

      President Obama's admission that he screwed up vetting cabinet
      appointees drew raves for his honesty Friday. The last president never
      admitted screwing up on the job. It took a DNA test to get the
      president before that to admit he screwed anything. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sarah Palin celebrated her 45th birthday Wednesday. And she did it
      like always with her traditional chocolate moose cake. (Pedro Bartes)

      These days Barack Obama has to be thinking, Elizabeth Taylor had
      honeymoons that lasted longer than this. (Janice Hough)

      THE STIMULUS BILL

      The Senate has passed an $838 billion stimulus bill. That is just
      under $3,000 for each person in America. And here’s how it’s going to
      work. On March 1, every American will receive a roll of 30 $100 Obama
      stimulus coins. And you can either trade the coins with your friends
      or you can use them in special machines to buy stimulus nutrition
      bars. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary
      cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And listen to this —
      not only that, on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more
      18-hole. (Jay Leno)

      All the Democrats in the Senate and three Republicans voted for the
      stimulus bill. President Barack Obama says it’s going to take a lot of
      time before Republicans warm up to his many appeals for
      bipartisanship. The biggest hurdle, I guess, is how do you convince
      Republicans that being bipartisan doesn’t mean you have to have sex
      with other dudes? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      ALEX RODRIGUEZ

      A-Fraud with the Yankees, A-Roid with the Rangers. (Dwight Perry)

      A-Rod’s name has been leaked as only one of 104 players who reportedly
      tested positive for steroids in 2003. Maybe we should put a flag with
      an asterisk out in front of the Baseball Hall of Fame and be done with
      it. (Janice Hough)

      And as you know, pro baseball player Alex Rodriguez, or A-Rod, has
      admitted to using steroids. He said he feels bad because he was stupid
      for three years, to which former President George W. Bush said, "Hey,
      try it for eight years." (Jay Leno)

      Sports Illustrated is saying that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for
      steroids back in 2003. There's some breaking news. Apparently Major
      League Baseball was waiting to release the findings along with the
      discovery that Babe Ruth was overweight. (Jim Barach)

      Alex Rodriguez admitted he took steroids. And here his New York Yankee
      teammates thought A-Rod testicles were shrunken from dating Madonna
      too much. (Scott Witt)

      The sports world is stunned by news that Alex Rodriguez tested
      positive for steroids in 2003. But since he's now dating Madonna, it's
      a shame he didn't test positive for penicillin. (Jake Novak)

      A-Rod admits he used performance-enhancing drugs when he played for
      the Rangers because he felt the pressure to perform. Course that all
      changed with the Yankees. The only pressure there is not to get the
      uniform dirty. (Bill Williams)

      According to an insider, A-Rod is not dating Madonna anymore because
      he has enough bad publicity. And because people were noticing his
      boobs were bigger than hers after he admitted to steroids use. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      There are news reports that Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez, caught in
      a steroids scandal, returned to his ex-wife for comfort, which made
      girlfriend Madonna very angry. So fellas, Madonna is back on the
      market, as long as you don't mind dating a woman who smells like pine
      tar, hair gel and stale sunflower seeds. (Jerry Perisho)

      Hey, did you see the latest episode of Fox's "Lie To Me"? Oh wait,
      that was A-Rod's ESPN interview. (Marc Ragovin)

      A-Rod says he took the steroids because he felt, "an enormous pressure
      to perform." Actually, that's why he takes Viagra. (Jake Novak)

      Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says Alex Rodriguez might
      be suspended for admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs, and
      for continuing to lie about everything else, A-Rod will get a $25
      million bonus.(Jake Novak)

      Spring training camps have opened in the MLB. The New York Yankees may
      use A-Rod this year as a DH. Designated Hormone. (Alan Ray)

      New York Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez admitted in an interview
      Monday that he used steroids six years ago. This ends years of
      denials. Once again we should have believed Jose Canseco when he told
      us that mortgage-backed bonds were worthless. (Argus Hamilton)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      So far it seems the most successful event of the Obama administration
      was when Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed the oath of office.
      (Patrick Gorse)

      President Obama signed a children's health insurance law on Wednesday
      and paid for it by slapping an additional sixty-cent federal tax on
      cigarettes. This is terrible. If cigarettes get any more expensive
      it's going to make crack cost-effective. (Argus Hamilton)

      Obama said he still believes in bipartisanship and he pledges to work
      with the Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson, who has
      reportedly put on some weight. (David Letterman)

      President Brack Obama has relaxed the White House dress code. He's the
      first president to do that since Bill Clinton, who, of course,
      established "Pants-Free Friday." (David Letterman)

      Yesterday, when President Obama -- this is true -- was getting into
      his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in
      the news, and when he heard about it, President Bush said, "See, it's
      complicated, right? It's not so easy. Doors are hard." (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama's press conference answers ran so long Monday that one
      network cut away from him in mid-answer to cover the Westminster Dog
      Show in New York. No one was upset. It was comforting to libertarians
      to see that no matter how much power the president grabs for himself,
      he'll never be powerful enough to pre-empt a dog show. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Joe Biden says that there is a 30 percent chance the stimulus program
      will not succeed. Remember when so many people wanted Barack Obama to
      choose Hillary for vice president, but there was a concern she might
      undermine him? (Janice Hough)

      Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has pledged U. S. financing for
      programs creating a Public-Private investment fund, with an initial
      capacity of $500 billion, to provide financing for private investors
      to buy distressed securities, spurring new lending and addressing
      banks' toxic assets. Economists have dubbed Geithner's programs the
      Bad Assets Relief Fund, or BARF for short. (Paul Benoit)

      I hate to be critical this early into the new administration, but I
      don't know if this Timothy Geithner is the guy for the job. He may not
      be up to it. Turns out, he thought the Treasury Secretary was in
      charge of buried treasure. (David Letterman)

      Despite his income tax misdeeds, Timothy Geithner is the new Treasury
      Secretary because the White House needs his ability to manipulate the
      economy. Following that reasoning, there should be an even bigger job
      for Bernie Madoff. (Scott Witt)

      THE ECONOMY

      The economy is so rough, in New York City, the hookers are offering a
      Bernard Madoff’s wife’s Ruth special. For an extra $100 they’ll let
      you make a hasty withdrawal. (Scott Witt)

      I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so
      bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is "Spare Change You Can
      Believe In." (Jay Leno)

      THE STATES

      In Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al
      Franken over who won the election for Senate, said, "God wants me to
      serve." But here is my question. How bad a candidate are you if you
      can't win an election when you have the creator of the universe on
      your side? (Jay Leno)

      Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that
      before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a
      statewide listening tour. Daniels added, and I'm quoting here, that
      she may "be a slut and a whore, but" she is "not a criminal." But this
      is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all
      three.(Jay Leno)

      Meg Whitman, the former C.E.O. of eBay, has filed to run for governor
      of California. Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state's broke. If
      we're going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the
      head of eBay? (Jay Leno)

      In Massachusetts, the lesbian couple who led the fight to legalize gay
      marriage has now filed for divorce. It’s sad. Yeah. The couple is
      really upset because they always swore they’d stay together for the
      sake of the cat. (Conan O'Brien)

      LOCAL NEWS

      The Salt Lake City woman who had the Guinness world record for the
      longest fingernails had them broken in an auto accident. Her right
      thumb nail was 2-feet, 11-inches long. She'll be OK, but the driver of
      the car in front of her has some serious puncture wounds. (Jerry
      Perisho)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Sarah Palin is actually 45 years old today, and just to tell you a
      little something about me -- Sarah Palin, I think, is the first vice
      presidential candidate that I have pictured naked. Well, since Lloyd
      Bentsen. (David Letterman)

      Wednesday was Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s 45th birthday. She’ll
      spend a quiet evening reading birthday cards, sipping some nice red
      wine, and rendering oil from a side of whale blubber. (Jerry Perisho)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      It looks like more than 13,000 people were caught up in that Bernard
      Madoff Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That’s where you
      throw good money after bad or, as the government calls it, a stimulus
      package. (Jay Leno)

      Police in southwest Florida arrested a man they say let his 8-year-old
      son drive his van for a "bonding moment." It worked because the man is
      now out on bond for the moment. (Paul Seaburn)

      Police in Indiana solved a church burglary case using DNA from a half-
      eaten doughnut the burglar left in the church's kitchen. After the
      trial, the cops gave the donut a medal for bravery in the line of
      duty. (Paul Seaburn)

      IMMIGRATION

      Border Patrol reported Friday that its Texas border fence is only
      seventy miles from completion. It’s going to be hard to finish it
      though; the illegals that were building it decided to go back to
      Mexico. (Pedro Bartes)
      THE MILITARY

      Oh, here’s a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has
      run aground. They can’t get it unstuck. Its name? The U.S.S. Economy.
      (Jay Leno)

      NASA & SPACE

      An American satellite collided with a Russian satellite over Siberia.
      This is the biggest confrontation between Russia and America since
      Rocky Balboa knocked out Ivan Drago in the fifteenth round. (Patrick
      Gorse)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      India's Hindu nationalist movement says it is developing a new soft
      drink that is made from cow urine. Dumping this stuff on the winning
      coach will get you kicked off the team. (Jerry Perisho)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      The doctor that implanted embryos into the woman who gave birth to
      octuplets is a Beverly Hills fertility expert. Asked what he was
      thinking about when he implant eggs in a woman who already had 6 kids,
      he said, "Healthy kids, a safe pregnancy, and how I was finally going
      to be able to afford that two-week trip to the French Riviera." (Jerry
      Perisho)

      Octo-mom, that woman in Southern California who gave birth to 8
      babies, is facing some serious financial challenges. She did get one
      problem solved, though. Three times a day Salma Hayek is going to drop
      by to feed the kids. (Jerry Perisho)

      The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have
      may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter. The good news is that
      since it’s FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody. (Jay Leno)

      Canadian researchers say they can determine a person's simple
      preferences by shining near-infrared light into their head. The first
      preference they realized? People don't like near-infrared lights
      shined directly into their heads. (Todd Long)

      The F.D.A. has recently approved a drug made from goat’s milk.
      Unfortunately, for women, one of its side effects is hair growth on
      the chin. (Charles Almon)

      Last week Bill Gates released a jar full of mosquitoes into the
      audience during a presentation about malaria. People in the audience
      haven’t slapped themselves this much since Gates released Windows
      Vista. (Doug Austen)

      SPORTS

      Michael Phelps can now blow smoke rings in the shape of the Olympics
      logo. (Jeff Sawyer)

      Another retirement? Bret Favre has become the Barbra Streisand of
      professional football. (Jerry Perisho)

      New toast in Green Bay: May your troubles last as long as Brett
      Favre's retirements. (Janice Hough)

      New York Jet QB Brett Favre has retired. Again. This guy retires and
      goes back to work more than a $50 hooker with a sub-prime mortgage.
      (Scott Witt)

      The NBA announced it will add the old hoops game of "H-O-R-S-E" as
      part of All-Star Weekend, except their version will be called "G-E-I-C-
      O," to plug its commercial sponsor. A more appropriate name would be G-
      R-E-E-D. (Todd Dewey)

      Bud Selig made almost $17.5 million last year, or more than all but
      three players. No wonder he is not in favor of a salary cap. (David
      Thomas)

      Barry Bonds pleaded not guilty in federal court on Thursday to charges
      he lied to investigators about using steroids. It's so sad. If only
      they had given a urine test to mortgage-backed bonds instead of Barry
      Bonds, we wouldn't be where we are today. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Sacramento Kings retired Chris Webber's No. 4 on Friday, with
      plans to do the same for uber-flopper Vlade Divac next month. But no
      need to hoist that jersey to the rafters — just drop it to the floor.
      (Dwight Perry)

      Ashton Kutcher is coming to the defense of Michael Phelps after the
      Olympic champion was photographed smoking marijuana from a bong. That
      can't be good for Phelps. That's like Paris Hilton defending Jessica
      Simpson for being called dumb. (Jim Barach)

      A marijuana scandal has resulted in four Sumo wrestlers being kicked
      out of the sport. Is that a surprise? How else did anyone think they
      kept their appetites up all the time? (Jim Barach)

      Hockey Hall of Famer, Bobby Hull. at an awards dinner in Chicago, On
      growing up with 10 siblings: "I never slept alone till I got married."

      Toronto's Pillow Fight League has boomed to 13,000 female participants
      — including such stalwarts as Lynn Somnia, Polly Esther, Carmen
      Monoxide and the 6-foot-6 Eiffel Power — in just five years, but the
      PFL remains committed to cautious growth. "We have had offers to take
      this to nudie bars, but we're not interested," founder Stacey Case
      told Scotland's Glasgow Daily Record. "We are not going to let people
      ruin the good name of the Pillow Fight League." (Dwight Perry)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Several of this year’s Grammy nominees performed at a concert honoring
      the work of Neil Diamond. Chris Brown performed at one honoring the
      work of Jean-Claude Van Damme. (Todd Long)

      R&B singer Chris Brown has pulled out of all of the events surrounding
      the N.B.A. all-star game after being arrested and accused of assault.
      After all, we have to protect the squeaky-clean image the N.B.A.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      The Grammy Awards show aired live from L.A. Sunday as the world's
      greatest music acts led by Led Zeppelin took turns performing. They
      were all sensational. Now that drugs have moved from the music
      industry to sports, everyone shows up for rehearsal. (Argus Hamilton)

      CELEBRITIES

      Tabloids report 50-year-old Madonna is dating a 22-year-old Brazilian
      model. It’s cute, she’s teaching him Math. Specifically how many times
      22 goes into 50. (Scott Witt)

      Siegfried & Roy will make a onetime return in Vegas on March 6 and
      will perform with tigers again for a charity event. To make it safe,
      this time they are going to perform with a Detroit Lion, which as we
      all know, are pretty harmless.. (Pedro Bartes)

      If you had a party,it seems to me the last person you want to hit the
      bong is Michael Phelps, with the lung capacity of a humpback whale.
      (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Singer Madonna has been seen parading around New York City with 22-
      year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz. Madonna insists it's a publicity
      stunt. And, apparently Luz can stunt all night; sometimes 5 or 6 times
      in one evening. (Jerry Perisho)

      Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman offered her story to TV for two
      million dollars Monday. She's trying everything to get some quick
      cash. She even called President Obama and said she is in the biggest
      post-partum depression since the 1930s. (Argus Hamilton)

      Donations have been pouring in to a Web site set up to collect
      donations for the California mom who had octuplets. I'd give, but
      apparently she's been getting quite a bit of my money for several
      years now already. (Todd Long)

      Singer Chris Brown was charged with domestic assault on his
      girlfriend, singer Rihanna. Rhianna was reportedly treated for serious
      bite marks. Brown had no comment as he was busy working on his next
      single, a remake of Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London." (Scott Witt)

      Prosecutors have asked a Federal judge to send Marion Barry, the
      former mayor of Washington, D.C., to jail for failing to file tax
      returns for the eighth time in nine years. Hasn't paid taxes for eight
      years straight. So for Barry, it's either jail or a cabinet position
      in the Obama administration. Either one. (Jay Leno)

      US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger, dubbed a hero for landing his
      airliner in the Hudson River, said the rescue boat crews were the real
      heroes. They only had minutes to get to the passengers in the icy
      river before the lawyers did. (Argus Hamilton)

      Captain "Sully" Sullenberger says he is still having trouble sleeping.
      Apparently his wife threw out their waterbed. (Marc Ragovin)

      Capt. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger says the feeling after both engines
      of US Airways Flight 1549 lost power was "the worst sickening, pit-of-
      your-stomach, falling-through-the-floor feeling" he's ever had.
      Apparently pilots don't eat the food served on their planes. (Paul
      Seaburn)

      On Elin Nordegren giving birth to her and Tiger Woods' second child,
      "The proud parents are looking forward to all the usual milestones:
      first words, first steps, first Nike commercial, first win over Phil
      Mickelson's son." (Reggie Hayes)

      The grandmother of Caylee Anthony says the murdered child's life "did
      not end without purpose." That purpose? "So I could finally meet Larry
      King." (Todd Long)

      HISTORY

      February 12 is the 200th birthday anniversary of the 16th president of
      the United States Abraham Lincoln. If Lincoln were alive today, he
      would be amazed at what he sees in the White House; a president
      letting his mother-in-law move in! (Jerry Perisho)

      Charles Darwin is 200 years old today. Have you seen pictures of him?
      He looks that old. (Joe Hickman)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is out. Editors say it is not a
      superficial exploitation of women. "These are some of the smartest
      females we've ever herded into one location." (Alan Ray)

      A Michigan Zoo is charging couples $50 to watch animals mating on
      Valentine's Day. Hey, if I want to see some unintelligent animals
      having sex I'll just watch the Paris Hilton tape. (Jake Novak)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The Hasbro toy company announced that its 4th quarter profit fell a
      sharper-than-expected 30% last quarter. They also announced plans to
      make their popular Monopoly game more realistic. Virginia, Tennessee,
      New York, Kentucky, Indiana and Illinois Avenues will be joined by
      California Avenue. There, all houses will be earthquake damaged and
      rents will be paid in useless IOU's. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Wrigley chewing gum company has dropped Chris Brown from its
      Doublemint ads until the R&B singer clears up claims that he assaulted
      his girlfriend, Rihanna. I think Wrigley is missing a real advertising
      opportunity here: "The next time you get into a fight with your
      girlfriend and have the urge to bite her repeatedly, leave that fresh,
      clean scent of Doublemint gum." (Jerry Perisho)

      Sending first-class mail will cost two cents more in May. The Post
      Office has postage which pays tribute to standing in a teller line.
      It's called the "forever stamp." (Alan Ray)

      Women may soon outnumber men in the U.S. workforce for the first time
      in history. Proving women still can’t win, the report came out a day
      after President Obama put a $500,000 cap on C.E.O. pay. (Paul Seaburn)

      Elevator music producer Muzak Holdings has filed for Chapter 11
      bankruptcy... and you thought all the financial news these days was
      bad! (Jake Novak)

      Muzak has filed for bankruptcy protection. Its latest compilation for
      dentist offices didn't go over well. When Celine Dion came on,
      patients would ask for the drill. (Alan Ray)

      HOLIDAYS

      Saturday is Valentine's Day. After exchanging gifts, your husband will
      utter those 3 little words you've come to expect. "Where's the
      remote?" (Alan Ray)

      AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

      A 10-year-old Sussex spaniel named "Stump" is the Westminster Kennel
      Club's best in show. Now, if the old pup can get himself adopted by
      Mayor Bloomberg, he'll become Stump Dog Millionaire. (Paul Feehan)

      The Westminster Dog Show got underway in New York City Monday.
      Handlers placed Vicks Vapo Rub on the noses of males so they can't
      smell the females in heat during the show. If Hillary Clinton had
      known this trick she might still be the little woman. (Argus Hamilton)

      Some sad news. You know the winner of Best in Show at the Westminster
      dog show, Stump? Today Stump tested positive for performance enhancing
      Purina. (Alex Kaseberg)

      There a chance Stump may lose his title. A closer examination of his
      glossy, ginger-colored fur revealed gray roots. (Charles Almon)

      OTHER NEWS

      An elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called
      911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out
      of lemonade. It is so sad to see what’s happened to John McCain since
      the election. (Jay Leno)

      I'm a little nervous about this new local restaurant, Listeria Lane.
      On the menu: subprime rib, salmon with salmonella, broccoli with
      e.coli, and beri-beri compote.(Paul Feehan)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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