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Weakly Humerus News • 01-17-09 • Aimed At Your Funny Bone

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-17-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK On the 20th, inauguration day, the USA will become an Obama-nation to the rest of
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-17-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      On the 20th, inauguration day, the USA will become an Obama-nation to
      the rest of the world, putting them between Barack and a hard place.
      (Ken Shurget)

      Barack Obama startled his own party Monday by revealing he will offer
      huge tax cuts to businesses and individuals. His life story is such an
      inspiration. Where else but in America could a poor black Democrat
      grow up to be a rich white Republican. (Argus Hamilton)

      Define the financial term "liquidity": When you look at your pension
      plans performance in 2008, and wet your pants. (Stan Kegel)

      The Adult Entertainment Industry, the porn folks, are asking the
      government for a $5 billion bail out. Talk about a money shot. A lot
      of people are against this, theyre afraid if they give the porn
      industry a bail out theyll just blow it. (Alex Kaseberg)

      I see the Atheists are suing to stop Obama from using the swearing-in
      oath, as written, because it refers to God. I dont think they have a
      prayer of winning. (Tony Thoennes)

      The last eight years are destined to be known as the Golden Age of
      Political Comedy. (Will Durst)

      The New York Health Department took measures Thursday to reduce the
      pigeons in Central Park. The birds are better liked than stockbrokers.
      The difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker is that a pigeon can
      still make a deposit on a new Ferrari. (Argus Hamilton)

      A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson
      River after it hit a flock of geese. It gave all the passengers goose
      bumps. (Pedro Bartes)

      President Bush says he doesn't know how he'll feel on his first day
      out of office on January 21st. But he knows he's going to feel a lot
      better than John Stewart, Keith Olberman, and everybody else who
      really won't have any material to work with once he's gone. (Jake Novak)

      The inauguration is Tuesday. Barack Obama will pledge to uphold the
      Constitution. Or, as Dick Cheney likes to say, start his speech with a
      good joke. (Alan Ray)

      The Transportation Department reported Monday that noone was killed in
      an airline crash for the second straight year. That's deceptive. If
      you count the number of people killed in airline stocks, it was the
      bloodiest two years since the Battle of Britain. (Argus Hamilton)

      The price of health care in the future will be be called the cost of
      living. (Gil Stern)

      Dick Cheney says President Bush is not to blame for the financial
      crisis because no one saw it coming. Of course, no one in the Bush
      Administration saw the 9/11 attacks, Katrina or the Iraqi insurgency
      coming, either. (Jim Barach)

      The Detroit Lions went 0-16, the Tigers and Pistons are bad, their
      auto industry is in the tank, to give you an idea how rough it has
      gotten, people in Detroit are renting time-shares in Gaza. (Alex
      Kaseberg)

      THE INAUGURATION

      Barack Obama is going to take an Amtrack train to Washington DC and
      then his new GM Limo to the inauguration. As a result, oddsmakers give
      Obama 4-1 he wont make it to his inauguration. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Barack Obama will have Lincoln's favorite foods served at the
      Inaugural luncheon Tuesday and he'll take the oath on Lincoln's Bible.
      He must be careful. The more he compares himself to Abe Lincoln the
      more the Secret Service will treat actors like terrorists. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      Only 5,000 portable toilets will be available at the presidential
      inauguration day despite the fact that more than 4,000,000 are
      expected to attend the event. 5000 toilets for 4,000,000 people?
      "Whats the problem," said Larry Craig, "we can all share." (Pedro
      Bartes)

      The National Parks Service estimated four million people will be in
      Washington for the Inauguration. It could get ugly. Between the
      Inauguration and the economy there could be four million people on the
      street without food or shelter or bathrooms. (Argus Hamilton)

      Goodwill Industries said Monday it's doing a huge business selling
      formal wear for the Inaugural balls. There's a reason everyone's going
      to thrift shops to buy their formal wear. You need a credit score of
      at least seven hundred to rent a tuxedo. (Argus Hamilton)

      PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA

      Barack Obama says that both men and women should have to register for
      the draft. The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin. (Jay Leno)

      Barack Obama vowed to quit smoking last week as security officials
      told him he won't be allowed to use his BlackBerry. He will go crazy
      having nothing to do with his hands. He might have to take up knitting
      just to keep from wrecking his marriage. (Argus Hamilton)

      Barack Obama selected Hollywood designer Michael Smith to redecorate
      the White House living quarters. He does movie star homes. His
      signature design touches include a reinforced shelf for awards, a wall
      for pictures, and a mirrored coffee table for the guests. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      Barack Obama was interviewed by ABC News Sunday where he stated again
      he wants a college football playoff system, and that he will fight to
      keep his BlackBerry. So that was how he raised all that money for his
      presidential campaign. He's a bookie. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE NEW ADMINISTRATION

      And at his confirmation hearing, Attorney General Nominee Eric Holder
      said as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury
      secretary nominee Tim Geithner said, "So is paying taxes." (Jay Leno)

      Treasury Secretary nominee Tim Geithner was revealed Tuesday to have
      underpaid his taxes and hired an illegal immigrant as a maid. Everyone
      was glad to hear he's one of us. As Treasury Secretary he will be
      assigned to hand out three hundred and fifty billion dollars in total
      secret, so paying his bills won't be a problem any more. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      The new Treasury secretary nominee, Timothy Geithner, has come up with
      a plan to lower taxes. Don't pay them! (Jay Leno)

      In politics these days, a person is presumed innocent until confirmed.
      (Gil Stern)

      PRESIDENT BUSH

      President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he's not
      going to fade away. He's only 62 years old and he says there are still
      plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall
      short of, and people to disappoint. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Well, folks, tomorrow night, President Bush will give his farewell
      address to the nation. Or, as the White House is calling it, a very
      special episode of "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" (Jay Leno)

      President Bush gives a farewell address to the country Thursday. He's
      had nine hundred exit interviews, a final press conference and now a
      swan song. The only reason Americans watch is to make sure he's not
      declaring an emergency and refusing to leave. (Argus Hamilton)

      According to the Washington Post, White House interns were forced to
      fill empty seats in Bushs last press conference. It is not unusual for
      presidents to ask interns to help; even when all the seats were taken
      by the press, former president Clinton would ask some of the interns
      to sit on his lap. (Pedro Bartes)

      President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell
      address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding
      Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought
      this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally
      picked out the bag hes going to leave Obama holding. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The President was on 'Larry King' last night for one last hard-hitting
      interview before he packs up and tries to find his way back home to
      Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost money in the
      stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a
      blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to collect a huge
      inheritance. I like that the President doesn't know where his money
      is. If he doesn't know where ours is, he shouldn't know where his is
      either, right? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Larry King interviewed President Bush and Bush told him, My favorite
      color is blue, and I love enchiladas." Unfortunately Bush was
      answering the question, What was your greatest achievement as
      president? (Conan O'Brien)

      THE AIR CRASH

      A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson
      River after it hit a flock of geese. All the passengers survived. It
      was the first time in the airlines history that all the passengers
      landed together with their luggage. (Pedro Bartes)

      The U.S. Airways pilot who landed his plane safely in the Hudson River
      after massive engine failure is being hailed as a hero. That's opposed
      to the airline executives, who are forcing the passengers to pay a $25
      retrieval fee for each checked bag. (Jake Novak)

      US Airways has announced they are now the official airline of the U.
      S. swim team. (Janice Hough)

      THE ECONOMY AND TAXES

      Barack Obama said he wants the second half of the seven hundred
      billion dollar bailout. He demanded tough new restrictions on every
      company that takes the money. Every so often Barack Obama tries to
      talk like a Republican just to break up the room. (Argus Hamilton)

      The adult film industry, better known as the porn industry, has asked
      Congress for a $5 billion bailout. They say they're going to use the
      money to make more fuel efficient porn.Five billion. You know, between
      the porn industry and Congress, I don't know who's screwed more
      people. (Jay Leno)

      U. S. banks are asking for billions more dollars as they continue to
      fail. Citigroup admits that if it doesn't get another $100 billion, it
      won't have enough money to print out all the 100,000 pink slips it
      needs by next week. (Jake Novak)

      House Democrats on Thursday released an expansive economic recovery
      plan that calls for $550 billion in spending and aid to states and
      $275 billion in tax cuts. Now, of course, House members have to dig
      into the plan to make sure their buddies are getting their unfair
      share. (Joe Hickman)

      Gee, Jan 15th, the final tax day for 2008, and the tax forms for 2009
      still have not arrived. What a great idea! Think of all the money the
      government will save by not having tax forms. And it will really be
      easy for the new President to cut middleclass taxes -- we just won't
      pay any. -- Everybody who made over $200,000 last year, just mail in
      your check with your W4. -- Best idea the IRS ever had. -- When folks
      figure it out, President Bush's approval rating will skyrocket. --
      Except among rich folks, of course. -- But there won't be many of
      those left. (Joe Hickman)

      THE CONGRESS

      Senator Joe Biden bid farewell on Thursday to his senate colleagues.
      He apparently forgot, as Vice-President, next week he'll be running
      the Senate. Or maybe he doesn't expect Cheney to leave. -- He has had
      access to the security briefings lately. (Joe Hickman)

      Minnesota is still waiting to find out who their junior U. S. senator
      will be, 10+ weeks after election day. Incumbent, one-term Sen. Norm
      Coleman [R] has filed a lawsuit to keep former SNL writer and comedian
      Al Franken from being sworn in, after Mr. Franken ended up with a 225
      vote lead following a state-mandated recount, which was certified by
      the state Canvassing Board on January 5, 2009. Sen. Coleman's been
      reading the warning printed on the bottle: "If you have an election
      that lasts more than four hours, contact your Supreme Court
      immediately!" (Paul Benoit)

      THE STATES

      Caroline Kennedy's favorability ratings among New York voters slipped
      Thursday as she lobbied to be appointed to the U. S. Senate. If she's
      appointed, she will be seated without question. It's not like in
      Illinois where you have to show the receipt. (Argus Hamilton)

      LOCAL NEWS

      In New York, a divorce is getting real interesting: the husband wants
      his estranged wife to return the kidney he donated to her years ago.
      "If you're rejecting my heart, I'll take back my kidney." What is they
      say about a divorce? It's always the kidneys that suffer the most. The
      bad news for the wife: New York is a community organ state. (Tim
      Hunter)

      A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson
      River after it hit a flock of geese. All the passengers survived. It
      was the first time in the airlines history that all the passengers
      landed together with their luggage. (Pedro Bartes)

      A new survey lists Salt Lake City as the most in-shape city. Well duh.
      They're Mormons, they bicycle everywhere. Hello! (Patrick Gorse)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      In an interview with Fox News, Hillary Clinton says her chances of
      running for president again are "Probably close to zero." Translation:
      She hasn't yet chosen a design for the Hillary 2012 bumper sticker.
      (Doug Austen)

      Barack Obama introduced Tim Kaine as the new Democratic Party Chairman
      Thursday without inviting outgoing chairman Howard Dean to the event.
      Under Howard Dean's chairmanship the party took control of the House,
      took control of the U.S. Senate and took control of the White House.
      For crying out loud, he is practically a fascist. (Argus Hamilton)

      SECURITY & TERRORISM

      According to presidential insiders, Barack Obama is preparing to issue
      an executive order, perhaps during his first day as President, to
      close the US military prison at Guantanamo Bay. Currently, plans are
      to convert it into a Starbucks. (Jerry Perisho)

      Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are
      released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home
      countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program. (Jay
      Leno)

      Attorney General-designate Eric Holder said Thursday that the
      detention facility at Guantanamo Bay may take longer to close than
      hoped. With only a 59-vote Democrat margin in the U. S. Senate, a
      Republican filibuster will kill the idea of releasing the 250 inmates
      into red states. (Joe Hickman)

      The US government dismissed an audio message from Osama bin Laden and
      said he was not a threat to the upcoming inauguration. Why is he not a
      threat? Its the cold weather. Hes snowed in; hell never leave his
      apartment outside Fargo. (Jerry Perisho)

      Barack Obama was reported Wednesday to be thinking about moving the
      Guantanamo prisoners to Camp Pendleton near San Diego. We know where
      this is headed. A year from now the vice president will be defending
      the practice of boogie-boarding during interrogations. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MILITARY

      The Army has changed their policy and is now accepting overweight
      recruits. In a related announcement, the Army has increased the size
      of the standard foxhole from 42-inches to 56-inches. (Tim Hunter)

      ENGLAND & GREAT BRITIAN

      Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton was given her own private
      gym at his London residence Monday. She mustn't turn into a flamboyant
      media hog who upstages the prince. Nobody's going to buy that car-
      accident-in-the-tunnel story a second time. (Argus Hamilton)

      IRAQ & IRAN

      Iranian protestors were burning pictures of Barack Obama yesterday. I
      thought, Cmon! He isnt even in office yet! I dont think these guys are
      angry I think they just like fire. -- Its winter in Iran and theyre
      cold. (Craig Ferguson)

      ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

      Israel says its airstrikes will continue to target Hamas leaders,
      which is why every surviving Hamas terror chief is now living at the
      local U.N.-run kindergarten. (Jake Novak)

      The U.N. admits that the U.N. school hit by Israeli mortars last week
      employed several terrorists and used U.N. funds to buy textbooks
      filled with anti-Jewish teachings. It's all part of the U.N.'s "no
      suicide bomber left behind" program. (Jake Novak)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive
      care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that
      new? Havent H.M.O.s been doing that for years? (Jay Leno)

      A study suggests women can subconsciously tell if a man is interested
      in sex by his scent. Researchers have labeled this particular
      pheromone. The scientific term is "beer." (Alan Ray)

      Containers of peanut butter are now suspected as the source that has
      spread salmonella food poisoning to people in 42 states. I am not sure
      which peanut butter style is suspected, but when you get the poisoning
      and throw it up, its all chunky. (Jerry Perisho)

      The National Safety Council called for a ban on cell phone use while
      driving. While driving they want no drinking, no talking, and no
      texting. They're like your parents -- "Pay attention to your driving,
      Bimbo!" (Joe Hickman)

      The British chocolate maker Cadbury is being forced to put a new
      warning label on candy bars informing consumers that theres milk in
      milk chocolate. The label also warns that if you want to avoid nuts,
      stay away from people who need to be told that theres milk in milk
      chocolate. (Paul Seaburn)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      Bitter cold weather was sweeping across the nation Thursday, putting
      the Midwest in a deep freeze. In Fargo, North Dakota it felt like 48
      below because it was 48 below. -- Lower than 20 below, you can't feel
      anything anyway. -- Assuming you still have fingers. (Joe Hickman)

      The company behind Botox plans to introduce the first F.D.A.-approved
      drug for growing longer eyelashes. It's expected to be a huge seller
      in the coming year, you know after millions of newly unemployed people
      scrape up enough cash to buy food and pay the mortgage. (Jake Novak)

      A rash of shark attacks on Australian beaches has swimmers nervous.
      Scientists say such sightings of the creatures are rare. During this
      time of year, they are usually back in law school. (Alan Ray)

      SPORTS

      Barack Obama repeated his call for college football playoffs Friday.
      This year was the last straw. Everyone agrees that it's utterly
      pointless to play an entire college football season just to have the
      national crown given to Caroline Kennedy. (Argus Hamilton)

      New York Knicks center, Eddy Curry, was charged with sexual harassment
      by his male ex-driver; not to get into details, but leave it to a
      Knick to come up with a new way to suck. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Anaheims mayor Curt Pringle says the city council has voted to drop
      its suit to get the Angels baseball team to re-adopt the name Anaheim
      Angels. In other news, a potato chip company has filed a name
      infringement suit against Anaheim mayor Curt Pringle. (Jerry Perisho)

      Congressman Joe Barton offered a bill to replace the BCS with a
      playoff system Friday. Congress has no authority over college
      football. Just because the government is taking over the banks and the
      auto industry doesn't mean the American people will allow them to
      meddle into something that matters. (Argus Hamilton)

      While the Yankees are doling out $423 million for big-ticket free
      agents Sabathia, Teixeira and Burnett, the Red Sox toss out a
      Schilling and pick up a Penny. (Dwight Perry)

      National Football League advertisers were miserable on Sunday after
      four small-market teams made it into the NFL championship games. The
      ratings will be terrible. The Super Bowl could end up being sponsored
      this year by the Snuggie and the Sham Wow. (Argus Hamilton)

      A weeping Brett Favre announced he does not know if he is going to
      return next season. In these uncertain times its nice to know there is
      something you can count on happening each and every year, like a
      weeping Brett Favre announcing he doesnt know if he is returning next
      season. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Jamaica's Usain Bolt, the world's fastest man, edged U.S. swimmer
      Michael Phelps for 2008 Athlete of the Year in voting by the
      International Sports Press Association. The vote was 1,673 to 1,557,
      so it was the closest race Bolt had all year. (Scott Ostler)

      Roger Clemens was investigated by a grand jury Monday over steroid
      use. It builds muscle but it gives men breasts. Last year Roger
      Clemens took off his shirt in the Dallas Cowboys locker room, causing
      Pacman Jones to make it rain and shoot the bouncer. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Phoenix Suns announced that center Shaquille ONeal was inactive
      for Thursdays game against the Denver Nuggets. Oh, dont get me wrong,
      he was playing. But, he was quite inactive. (Jerry Perisho)

      On the Cubs' signing of mercurial outfielder Milton Bradley: In the
      last five seasons, Bradley has gone at it with a general manager,
      manager, teammate, announcer and fan, so he has gone crazy for the
      cycle." (Steve Rosenbloom)

      This just in, Oklahoma cornerback Dominique Franks said Michael Phelps
      would be only the fourth-best swimmer in the Big 12. (Brad Dickson)

      Rickey Henderson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame Monday after
      setting the career record for most stolen bases. He got rich the hard
      way. The difference between baseball and Wall Street is if you get
      caught stealing in baseball, you're out. (Argus Hamilton)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Twenty-Four starring Keifer Sutherland as U.S. agent Jack Bauer
      premiered Sunday, featuring a subversive villain who's able to use his
      skills to turn the economy into complete and utter chaos. He's a
      mortgage broker in Orange County. It's a documentary. (Argus Hamilton)

      Gran Torino won the box office Sunday, making Clint Eastwood the
      oldest star in history to headline a number-one movie. He did a lot
      better at the box office than Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest movie.
      California Budget lost a hundred billion dollars. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      Joe the Plumber was hired Tuesday to cover the Israeli-Hamas war as a
      reporter in Gaza. He will be safe there. The two most revered figures
      in the Arab world are the Prophet Mohammed and anybody who can restore
      running water after an air raid. (Argus Hamilton)

      Charles Barkley took a leave of absence from his TNT broadcasting job
      ten days after his DUI arrest in Phoenix, when he told the cops he ran
      a stop sign because was in a hurry to get oral sex. He's three hundred
      pounds, he's a gambling junkie, a drunk driver and a sex addict. It
      took him a week just to decide which rehab has seniority. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      CELEBRITIES

      Ryan O'Neal agreed to enter a drug treatment program Thursday after he
      pleaded guilty to methamphetamine possession in his Malibu home. It's
      against the law to possess or use methamphetamines inside the Malibu
      city limits. It's zoned for cocaine. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former Senator Larry Craig says he will drop all future appeals
      concerning his arrest in a Minneapolis Airport restroom for soliciting
      gay sex. He's just happy to be back in Idaho where he can use his
      custom made outhouse in his yard. It seats four. (Jim Barach)

      Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says the media is going easy on Caroline
      Kennedy because of her social status. Although in Alaska, Sarah Palin
      is considered one of the social elite because she lives in a house
      that doesn't have wheels. (Jim Barach)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      The National Offices of Planned Parenthood is trimming 20% of their
      work force. For a long time at Planned Parenthood, layoffs were
      inconceivable. (Tim Hunter)

      A Massachusetts teacher was arrested and accused of having sex with
      her teenage male student over 300 times. That has to be embarrassing
      for the boy because, as we all know, if you dont do something right,
      teachers make you do it over and over and over again. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A California man has been arrested for selling his 14-year-old
      daughter into marriage in return for a case of beer. Actually the beer
      was just a bonus, the money he saved on the monthly phone bill was the
      big payoff. (Jake Novak)

      A 22-year-old woman auctioning off her virginity at a legal brothel in
      Nevada said some people are offering more than $3.8 million. The only
      person I know that can make so much with no experience is Caroline
      Kennedy. (Pedro Bartes)

      The San Diego woman who is auctioning off her virginity has received
      10,000 offers and the bidding is at $5 million. The top offer is from
      an Australian businessman. Thats trouble. Hell want to do something
      kinky, like go down-under! (Jerry Perisho)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Neiman Marcus announced they are cutting 400 jobs. See, I knew this
      would happen when the Republicans took away Sarah Palin's campaign
      credit card. (Jay Leno)

      The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas unveiled a robot Friday
      designed to replace dogs and cats. It's a plush baby seal that cuddles
      and coos and responds very affectionately to human touch. In some
      parts of the world it could replace sheep. (Argus Hamilton)

      Motorola is cutting 4,000 jobs. The layoff notices were kind of mean.
      "Our cell phones are extremely mobile. And 2 weeks from now, so are
      you." (Alan Ray)

      Citigroup has posted another $8.3 billion loss and will split into two
      companies. The first will be called "Crap," and the other
      "Garbage." (Jake Novak)

      AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

      According to a recent survey, 5% of American workers consider their
      boss a "parent figure". Ironically, that number pales in comparison to
      those secretaries that actually call their bosses daddy. (Pedro Bartes)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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