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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-10-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-10-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK George W. H. Bush, father of President George W. Bush, said his son, Jeb Bush,
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 10, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-10-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      George W. H. Bush, father of President George W. Bush, said his son,
      Jeb Bush, would make a great President. If Jeb Bush does become
      President, the White House would have seen more Bush than, well, when
      Clinton was there. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Las Vegas oddsmakers installed USC as a 2 ½-point favorite over Texas
      and the Florida-Oklahoma winner by 7 ½ over Utah in next week's
      football Final Four semifinals ... And then the blasted alarm clock
      went off. (David J. Wardell)

      The F.D.A. has approved a new drug that will give people longer
      eyelashes. Well, thank God we are not wasting time and money on cancer
      research. (Jay Leno)

      Bill Clinton is being considered to replace his wife as a senator of
      New York, making it the first time Bill is interested in Hillary's
      seat. (Pedro Bartes)

      Couple of days ago in New Jersey, there were UFO sightings. Believe
      me, it’s not an invasion. The aliens are actually here because they
      want some of that Federal bailout money. (David Letterman)

      A plastic surgeon here in the United States has rigged his car so that
      it runs on fat left over from liposuction. That's right, Middle East,
      a car that runs on fat. Now who has the greatest energy reserves in
      the world? U.S.A.! U.S.A.! (Conan O'Brien)

      Hustler’s Larry Flynt and Joe Francis of “Girls Gone Wild” are asking
      for $5 billion in federal bailout money. Speaking of federal money
      going to those doing lewd acts, when does Larry Craig start drawing
      his pension? (Jerry Perisho)

      The Boy Scouts are launching a campaign to draw more Latino members.
      Apparently, now old ladies not only need help to cross the street, but
      also the border. (Pedro Bartes)

      How shocking was the much-maligned Pac-10's 5-0 record in bowl games?
      That's like turning on the television on election night,and finding
      out Ron Paul is ahead. (Brad Dickson)

      According to several plastic surgeons, the bad economy has reduced the
      number of breast implants. So now, if you want to see big boobs, you
      have to see those who manage the country's economy. (Pedro Bartes)

      Lynn Tucker got a late start on her boxing career, but she has a great
      excuse. The 30-year-old mother of seven, set to debut in Friday's
      local Rough N' Rowdy Brawl, stated "I've always wanted to do this, but
      I've been pregnant my entire adult life. I got married when I was 18,
      and I've been pregnant ever since. The factory's closed." (Charleston
      (W.Va.) Daily Mail)

      Democrat Al Franken has defeated the incumbent US Senator from
      Minnesota Norm Coleman by 225 votes. Wow, what a close vote! You know
      what Minnesota needs? They need a Rod Blagojevich to help streamline
      the election process. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE PRESIDENTS LUNCHEON

      President Bush invited Obama and all the living ex-presidents for
      lunch. It was quite uncomfortable when President Bush refused to sit
      at the kids' table. (Pedro Bartes)

      Regarding Obama's lunch with the presidents, apparently it was a great
      success, with all of them sharing their favorite Oval Office memories.
      There was only one awkward moment, when Carter told Clinton, "Bill,
      too much information." (Janice Hough)

      George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress.
      (David Letterman)

      Actually, there was one awkward moment, when President Bush asked all
      the other former presidents, he said, "Don't you hate it when your
      approval rating goes below 15%?" (Jay Leno)

      And, of course, you know, being president-elect is kind of awkward
      because Barack Obama didn’t have any experiences or accomplishments to
      talk about as president. So, at least he and President Bush had
      something in common. (Jay Leno)

      So Bill Clinton liked Bush's rug. Hey, if you recall, Bill said the
      same thing when he met Donald Trump. (Patrick Gorse)

      PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA

      Barack Obama's Hawaii vacation compound was ringed Monday by
      Palestinians who are angry about his support for Israel. You can
      imagine their disappointment. Not only is he the first black
      president, he's the first guy named Hussein to back Israel. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new
      presidential limousine made by General Motors. Yeah, the parade route
      is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas
      twice. (Conan O'Brien)

      Barack Obama was chastised by evangelicals when he skipped church on
      Christmas Day. He was unable to reply. He was at a Honolulu cathedral
      posing for a ceiling all day and having to listen to the artist
      shouting at him to keep his finger pointed. (Argus Hamilton)

      Earlier today, Barack Obama’s daughters started at their new school in
      Washington, DC. Yeah, their teachers are really impressed and said
      that both girls are already reading well above President Bush level.
      (Conan O'Brien)

      Barack Obama told CBS's 60 Minutes that he fully expects to be
      criticized by the media when things go wrong during his presidency. No
      administration was ever perfect. It didn't take long for comedians to
      figure out that President Bush had no control over his generals and
      that President Clinton had no control over his privates. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      This is kind of cool. In Washington, the National Gallery announced
      that it will display a campaign poster of Barack Obama. Yeah. In a
      related story, a campaign poster of Joe Biden will be displayed at the
      Hair Club for Men. (Conan O'Brien)

      Barack Obama's presidential limo was reported Tuesday to be an armored
      Cadillac hybrid made in Detroit. It's a new first. History will record
      that Barack Obama is the first black man to ride in an armored
      Cadillac limousine without his own record label. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE NEW ADMINISTRATION

      Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his
      new responsibility as Vice President. And he’s starting every
      afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school. (David
      Letterman)

      The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to appoint
      CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Obama said the CNN
      doctor must be pretty good because he’s kept Larry King alive all
      these years. (Conan O'Brien)

      Hillary Clinton's hearings to become Secretary of State begin next
      week in the Senate. She'll have no problem being objective in the wars
      between the Palestinians and Israel or India and Pakistan. She treats
      all donors to her husband's library equally. (Argus Hamilton)

      PRESIDENT BUSH

      They asked President Bush what his New Year's resolution was and he
      said, "Well, sure, our government needs work but there's no reason to
      start a resolution." (Jay Leno)

      Counterfeit money arrests are at a five year high. Apparently there is
      one group in particular that is printing all kinds of worthless money.
      The U.S. Treasury. (Jim Barach)

      A Wall Street Journal poll said Tuesday that only eighteen percent of
      Americans will miss President Bush when he leaves office. I didn’t
      know there were so many comedians in the US. (Pedro Bartes)

      President Bush's advisers say his administration never recovered from
      Hurricane Katrina. If they think Bush has never recovered, they should
      check out New Orleans sometime. (Jim Barach)

      Laura Bush has agreed to write her memoirs. There will also be a
      talking book version for George to enjoy. (Scott Witt)

      First Lady Laura Bush is writing a book about her years in the White
      House. And when she asked President Bush if he would write the
      foreword, he said, "Honey, I love you so much I'll write five, six, or
      seven words." (Jay Leno)

      First Lady Laura Bush signed a book deal Monday for her memoirs to
      come out next year. She plans on doing a special version for her
      husband, where the pictures aren't already colored in. (Tim Hunter)

      It was an exciting first day for our first lady, who got a new set of
      plates. First Lady Laura Bush showed off the new gold-rimmed official
      state china. It cost $493,000, but don’t worry. It was paid for by a
      private trust, funded by lunatics who donate half a million dollars to
      buy the White House plates. Mrs. Bush said she’d been hoping to use
      the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came,
      which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA.
      (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as
      President. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment was
      his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually
      did it. That’s President Bush, isn’t it? Your greatest accomplishment?
      Well, there aren’t any. But if there were, by golly, here’s what it
      would be. (Jay Leno)

      THE OLD ADMINISTRATION

      Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You
      could have knocked me over with a feather. I mean, look at the guy.
      Cheney gets driven around in a limo, he's surrounded by body guards,
      shot a guy in the face — he is a rap star. (Jay Leno)

      Vice President Dick Cheney said Wednesday that he's gotten a bad rap
      in the press and that he is actually "a warm, lovable sort." In fact,
      he said he had just remodeled his dungeon of torture to include fuzzy
      throw pillows and the smell of freshly baked cookies. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE ECONOMY

      U.S. home prices for the past year in October dropped 18%. Which means
      that people who have been foreclosed may now actually be able to
      afford to buy the homes they lost. (Jim Barach)

      In a speech about the economy, Barack Obama said that Americans will
      soon be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being
      spent. In response, Americans said, "Thanks, but we'll stick to
      downloading porn." (Conan O'Brien)

      Many people are reportedly cutting back on skipping their medications
      because of the bad economy. To which the Bush Administration says it's
      just another victory in the war on drugs. (Jim Barach)

      The economy is so bad, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe. (Jay
      Leno)

      SARAH PALIN

      Photos of Sarah Palin's grandson have been bought by People Magazine
      for a reported $300,000. That makes the baby almost wealthy enough to
      buy an Illinois Senate seat. (Jim Barach)

      Former vide presidential candidate Sarah Palin told people magazine
      that her 18-year-old daughter Britstol, who has just given birth, is
      working her butt off to be a mom and going to school at the same time.
      Actually, if she had worked more the butt, she would have avoided the
      pregnancy. (Pedro Bartes)

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress got an automatic forty-seven hundred dollar pay raise
      Wednesday which they voted for themselves in the last budget. It's no
      surprise. You knew this was coming last year when all five hundred and
      thirty-five of them signed with Scott Boras. (Argus Hamilton)

      Senate Democrats denied Roland Burris the vacated Senate seat of
      President-elect Barack Obama of Illinois. In solidarity, Larry Craig
      immediately offered Burris to seat him on his lap for the rest of the
      season. (Pedro Bartes)

      It looks like Roland Burris will be allowed to join the U.S. Senate
      after all. Like most groups of 80-year-old men, the existing senators
      felt kinder after they took their medication and had a nap. (Jake Novak)

      Unemployment is up again, especially if you're the new senator from
      Illinois trying to go to work. (Jay Leno)

      Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he may try to seat Al Franken
      early. To which Senator John Cornyn says no one should be seated who
      has had votes counted twice. Which pretty much would remove all
      congressional members from Illinois, Florida and Ohio. (Jim Barach)

      Al Franken has been declared winner of his race in Minnesota once
      again insuring the U.S. Senate will be 100 percent full of comedians.
      (Will Durst)

      Al Franken can still be a senator and on SNL — no not Saturday Night
      Live but Senate Nuisance Live! (Gil Stern)

      Democrat Al Franken was declared the winner of the Senate race in
      Minnesota. Republicans in the state are expected to keep contesting
      the election until hell freezes over or Minnesota thaws out, whichever
      comes first. (Paul Seaburn)

      NBC's Saturday Night Live alum Al Franken was declared the winner of
      the Senate race in Minnesota Monday pending appeal. The comedian can
      keep the job for six years and he doesn't have to get one laugh. It's
      the same deal the cast of Friends had. (Argus Hamilton)

      The largest single religious group represented in Congress is
      Catholics at 30%. Although that still pales in comparison to the
      largest overall group of old, white, rich men. (Jim Barach)

      One reason we know that Governor Blagojevich wouldn't have tried to
      sell the seat to 71-year-old Roland Burris. He would have had to offer
      him a senior discount. (Janice Hough)

      THE STATES

      California banned text-messaging while driving Thursday. It is already
      illegal to use the cellphone while driving a car. Under California law
      you cannot use your hands for any kind of communication while driving
      unless it's to squeeze the trigger. (Argus Hamilton)

      LOCAL NEWS

      The city of New York has given up luxury boxes at the new ballparks of
      the Mets and Yankees. It means officials will have to use the same
      restroom facility as any other patron. The subway. (Alan Ray)

      The crime rate in New York is up. Murder is up 5%. But here is a good
      tip, if you are visiting New York and you want to avoid getting shot,
      stay away from Plaxico Burress’s sweat pants. (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      Senator Hillary Clinton pushed the countdown button to drop the ball
      in Times Square on New Years Eve. That's how she ran for president.
      Last year she dropped the ball so many times the NFL just named her an
      honorary member of the Detroit Lions. (Argus Hamilton)

      Caroline Kennedy ran into opposition to her Senate bid from New York
      Democrats Sunday. They say she's uninspiring, inarticulate and
      unfamiliar with issues. The only thing that's saving her political
      career is that Tina Fey looks nothing like her. (Argus Hamilton)

      Caroline Kennedy was reported Monday to have the inside track for the
      New York U.S. Senate seat. She no longer sounds inarticulate on
      television. She's doing a lot better ever since she brought in Julie
      Andrews to dub her voice during interviews. (Argus Hamilton)

      Governor Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the
      Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. And in an interview today,
      Blagojevich said, “If what I’ve done is impeachable, then I’m on the
      wrong planet.” That would explain the Klingon helmet hair.(Jay Leno)

      Ya gotta love that Governor Blagojevich. Although arrested, he is
      still acting as if nothing happened. In fact, just the other day he
      called the legislature into session for his annual "State of My Hair"
      address. (Marc Ragovin)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Well, let me know what you think of this. George Herbert Walker Bush
      says that his son, Jeb, would make a great president. And I’m
      thinking, a third Bush in the White House. Boy, cut me a slice of
      that, you know? (David Letterman)

      George Bush Sr. recently said he’d like his son Jeb to be president,
      but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a
      good time would be, Bush Sr. said, "Eight years ago." (Conan O'Brien)

      George H.W. Bush says Jeb could be President someday. Dude. Have the
      common human decency to wait till the first of your progeny finishes
      screwing up. (Will Durst)

      The elder President Bush wants his son Jeb to run for the White House.
      The former Florida governor is not a “uniter” like his brother. He
      actually has some supporters. (Alan Ray)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      You know who got scammed in that Bernie Madoff scandal? Former New
      York Gov. Elliot Spitzer. And you thought it cost him a lot of money
      to get screwed before? (Alex Kaseberg)

      Bernie Madoff's security was doubled around his Park Avenue apartment
      Thursday where he's under house arrest. They're looking everywhere to
      find where he hid all the money. It's the first colonoscopy ever
      performed by a certified public accountant. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ten days before his arrest, Bernard Madoff received $250 million from
      a 95-year-old investor. This reveals another part of Madoff's scam:
      get money from people who will probably forget they gave it to you.
      (Jake Novak)

      THE MILITARY

      President-elect Obama says he has changes planned for the military,
      including the full acceptance of gays. No more "don't ask, don't
      tell," just an open acceptance. Of course, military leaders will have
      to drop certain commands like "bringing up the rear" and "fall
      out." (Tim Hunter)

      The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight
      recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he’s at Wendy’s
      ordering lunch. (David Letterman)

      MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

      Police in Mexico chased down a woman who got up and fled from a
      wheelchair that she normally begs from. She can't afford a lawyer so
      she's hoping to find a bishop who will declare the incident a miracle.
      (Paul Seaburn)

      ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

      Iran's Ayatollah Khameni promised a martyr's entrance to heaven for
      any Muslim killed fighting Israel in Gaza. He said martyrs are greeted
      by seventy-two virgins in heaven. That's what you have to do to
      recruit an army when the GI Bill isn't enough. (Argus Hamilton)

      Relief organizations say their is a possible health crisis in Gaza
      because of the failure of the sewage system. But the BBC, CNN, and al
      Jazeera insist they've been continuing to pump sewage out of Gaza with
      no interruption. (Jake Novak)

      AUSTRALIA & THE PACIFIC ISLANDS

      Police in Australia are looking for a guy who breaks into sex shops
      and has sex with blow up dolls. Police suspects the guy must be really
      good, because so far none of the blow up dolls has wanted to testify.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      A nationwide salmonella outbreak has struck 42 states, including
      Illinois. People there are actually relieved. Finally, there is
      something making them throw up besides state politics. (Jerry Perisho)

      New laws in five states now mandate fire-safe cigarettes. Smokers will
      benefit from the regulation. They can now develop emphysema without
      worrying about getting hurt. (Alan Ray)

      Scientists studying the rise in ocean levels will use a robotic yellow
      submarine to dive under an ice shelf in Antarctica. The researchers
      will first spend a week practicing to get the song out of their heads.
      (Paul Seaburn)

      Seven elephants at the San Diego Zoo and Wild Animal Park have lost a
      total of over 11,000 pounds since going on an exercise and nutrition
      program in 2000. It hasn’t been cheap, though. A treadmill for an
      elephant costs $20 million. A Stairmaster: $40 million. (Jerry Perisho)

      A 27-year-old woman in London found out that she actually has two
      complete set of female reproductive organs. Her husband said he always
      suspected that, especially considering how she behaves that time of
      the month. (Pedro Bartes)

      SPORTS

      After having to endure watching the Lions post the first 0-16 record
      in NFL history, doesn't another season of "Biggest Loser" seem a bit
      redundant? (Dwight Perry)

      Putting the Red Wings' 6-3 win at Wrigley Field in perspective: "The
      Wings have now won more games outdoors this season than the Lions
      have." (Steve Schrader - Detroit Free Press)

      Candace Parker will miss the upcoming WNBA season because she's
      expecting her first child this spring, the L.A. Sparks announced. Upon
      arrival, the child is expected to immediately put one footprint on a
      birth certificate and the other on a 2027 Tennessee letter of intent.
      (Dwight Perry)

      The NHL suspended Ottawa’s Jarkko Ruutu for biting a player. This kind
      of ridiculous behavior is not tolerated by the league. Rather, fans
      come out to see good, professional fisticuffs. (Jim Barach)

      The NHL suspended Ottawa's Jarkko Ruutu two games for biting the thumb
      of Buffalo's Andrew Peters during their game Tuesday night, and puck
      purists were stunned. No, not at news of the suspension — the fact a
      hockey goon actually had enough front teeth to bite with. (Dwight Perry)

      Matt Millen was fired as the GM of the Detroit Lions. Detroit became
      the only city in the history of sports to ever throw a parade for
      someone who was fired. Millen was then given the key to the city. What
      Millen didn’t know was that all the locks were changed first. (William
      Hale)

      Thousands of people around the country jammed into theaters to see the
      BCS championship game in 3-D Thursday night. You know, there is
      nothing like the reality of seeing a football player spit at an
      opponent and thinking that some of his saliva might actually get on
      you. (Jerry Perisho)

      Brett Favre returned from retirement and after a tough season received
      a prestigious award. The coveted "12th Man for the OTHER Team
      Award." (William Hale)

      New York Jets owner Woody Johnson said Thursday he wants Brett Favre
      back next year. The quarterback wept at his press conference Sunday,
      saying he doesn't know if he will be back. The actors aren't even on
      strike yet and already we are in reruns. (Argus Hamilton)

      Injury update on San Diego State Aztecs basketballer Kyle Spain's bum
      ankle: "Pain in Spain is mainly a sprain." (The San Diego Union-Tribune)

      Major League Baseball Network debuted Thursday by airing NBC's
      broadcast of Don Larsen's World Series perfect game fifty-two years
      ago. They included the original TV commercials, which was a great
      idea. Encouraging smoking could save Social Security. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rep. Henry Waxman says steroids remain a big problem in the sport of
      professional wrestling and he wants the federal government to do
      something about it. In other news, all of the real problems in the
      country have apparently been fixed! (Jerry Perisho)

      Houston's Memorial Hospital removed Roger Clemens' name from the Roger
      Clemens Sports Medicine Institute Monday. They can't ignore the
      steroids charge. To make it up to him, the hospital just re-named its
      Underage Country Singers Institute after him. (Argus Hamilton)

      Step aside, SI cover jinx, and make room for AP. Associated Press
      award winners Mike Smith of the Falcons (coach of the year), Peyton
      Manning of the Colts (MVP) and Chad Pennington of the Dolphins
      (comeback player) came up losers in the first three NFL playoff games.
      So what's next, the AP Kiss of Death Award? (Dwight Perry)

      The Oklahoma Sooners and Florida played for the national title.
      They're both party schools. So it's possible the winning team may not
      remember it. (Joe Hickman)

      Putting George Karl's 900th NBA coaching victory in perspective, when
      Karl picked up his first win in 1984, Nuggets forward Carmelo Anthony
      was 6 months old. (David Moore)

      A skier at Vail's Blue Sky found himself hanging upside down — with
      his pants around his knees — from a high-speed lift for about 15
      minutes after a boarding mishap on New Year's Day. Apparently he
      suffered nothing more than exposure — from the snapping of tourists'
      camera phones. (Dwight Perry)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Oprah Winfrey's show about her recent weight gain was the third-
      highest rated episode of the season. And today NBC announced a special
      with Rosie O’ Donnell, Al Gore and Michael Moore. (Pedro Bartes)

      Marley and Me starring Owen Wilson is a hit dog movie which leaves
      kids crying at the end. It's a bad year for kids. Parents are dragging
      them to a movie where the dog dies just to take their minds off the
      fact that they have lost their college fund. (Argus Hamilton)

      Tom Cruise received rave reviews in Germany Thursday for his portrayal
      of Nazi war hero Claus von Stauffenberg, who tried to kill Hitler. The
      German critics were all prepared to hate his performance until he
      showed up onscreen. He had them at Heil. (Argus Hamilton)

      Valkyrie starring Tom Cruise was pulled in some cities Tuesday due to
      its poor box office showing. The movie never had a chance. The
      producers knew it wasn't going to be a hit on opening weekend when
      they saw customers in the lobby buying popcorn to go. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      Charles Barkley was arrested for a DUI. Charles was arrested because,
      as he told police, he ran a stop sign in a hurry to see a woman who
      was really good at oral sex. Or as most guys would call that: a
      justifiable trivial traffic incident. Let him go. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Charles Barkley was cited for drunk driving in Scottsdale Friday. He
      told cops he was in a hurry to meet a hooker. He's always said he
      wants to run for governor of Alabama someday and everyone figured he
      is just padding his resume to be a politician. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former Phoenix Suns player Charles Barkley was arrested in Scottsdale
      on suspicion of DUI. That wasn't the only bad news; he also lost
      $2,000,000 to the cop that arrested him after betting on the number of
      the alcohol level he was going to get on the breathalyzer. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      CBS Sports NFL analyst Bill Cowher made it clear Sunday he won't
      return to NFL coaching next year. He says he likes the television
      lifestyle. Coaching in the NFL is nice, but when you have your own
      make-up artist you look ten years younger. (Argus Hamilton)

      Remember Joe the plumber? A conservative website is sending Joe the
      plumber to Gaza as their war correspondent. Because who better to
      explain the complex issues surrounding a war that’s been going on for
      forty years than an unlicensed plumber? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      CELEBRITIES

      Paris Hilton said she plans to have babies within the next two years.
      She is already holding daily tryouts. (Pedro Bartes)

      Singer Michael Jackson has signed a one-year lease on a Bel Air
      mansion for $100,000 per month. Wow, and the neighbors thought the
      real estate crisis had devastated their property values! (Jerry
      Perisho)

      "Twilight" stud, Robert Pattison, told the media that up until he was
      12, his sisters used to dress him as a girl. Apparently, after 12, he
      learned to do it himself. (Pedro Bartes)

      NBC hired Matt Millen to call the Super Bowl after the Detroit Lions
      fired him as general manager. He ruined the franchise with eight years
      of losses. Trusting Matt Millen to analyze football is like naming
      Bernie Madoff to be Treasury Secretary. (Argus Hamilton)

      Levi Johnston, the teenager planning to marry Gov. Sarah Palin's
      daughter, Bristol, has quit his North Slope oil field job. He will
      still be doing some drilling, but not in the oil fields anymore.
      (Pedro Bartes)

      Matt Dillon was ticketed for driving a rented Chevrolet Impala 106 mph
      in Vermont. His defense is easy. What jury will believe a GM car was
      capable of going 106 mph? (Jim Barach)

      Madonna was named the top ticket-selling concert act in the world on
      Wednesday as she and director Guy Ritchie finalized their divorce. He
      bought her a gorgeous diamond necklace on her birthday and she hasn't
      talked to him since. That was the deal. (Argus Hamilton)

      An ex-boyfriend of Amy Winehouse, a guy named Alex Haines, says that
      Amy smokes crack for breakfast. That’s pretty bizarre, don’t you
      think, smoking crack for breakfast? Although surprisingly,
      nutritionists say it’s still better for you than Pop-Tarts. (Jay Leno)

      Celebrity Food Network chef Bobby Flay is getting his own radio talk
      show. If you can do a cooking show on the radio, there's still hope
      for my radio mime theater. (Paul Seaburn)

      Filmmaker Ken Burns is adding a 10th part to update his highly
      acclaimed 9-part "Baseball" documentary. However, only those with big-
      screen TV's will get the full effect of Barry Bonds' head. (Jerry
      Perisho)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      The latest industry to hit up the government for a bailout: the U.S.
      PORN industry. They say that if they don't get a government bailout,
      hard times could mean fewer hard times ahead. (Tim Hunter)

      Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and "Girls Gone Wild" C.E.O. Joe Francis
      plan to ask Congress for $5 billion to bail out the porn industry.
      Flynt says the situation's so dire, the Big Three — Bill Clinton,
      Charlie Sheen, Clarence Thomas — won't make it to the end of January.
      (Marc Ragovin)

      A small town in Maine is considering a petition to turn a former motel
      into a topless coffee shop. The planning board's only problem is with
      the name: Starbuck-naked. (Paul Seaburn)

      An uproar has broken out in the small Maine town of Vassalboro, where
      a topless coffee shop wants to open. How do you serve coffee in a
      topless coffee shop? Very carefully. (Tim Hunter)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      GM promised to spend bailout money to offer credit to car buyers
      Tuesday. They must make the cars fast and sexy again. The last time
      Oprah Winfrey waved a set of Pontiac car keys at her crowd, they threw
      cream pies at her and she fell off her diet. (Argus Hamilton)

      Most retailers have loosened their return policies for holiday gifts.
      It's not clear if the store managers are doing that for economic
      reasons, or simply because they don't want to get trampled to death.
      (Jake Novak)

      An Air New Zealand Airlines flight was able to fly on a mixture of jet
      fuel and vegetable oil. In fact it's the same mixture they use for
      their in flight salad dressing. (Jim Barach)

      HOLIDAYS

      Bill and Hillary Clinton began the countdown in Times Square on New
      Year's Eve by pressing the button. The temperature was zero degrees
      with icy wind. Every time the Clintons stand next to each other it
      pushes global warming back another ten years. (Argus Hamilton)

      AWARDS POLLS & STUDIES

      According to a new poll by the Guttmacher Institute, about one out of
      three teenagers expressed regret about the first time they had sex.
      The other two got the A the teacher promised. (Pedro Bartes)

      According to a new study by Fritha Milne, from the University of
      Western Australia, younger sisters tend to lose their virginity
      earlier than first-born girls do, usually with the boyfriends of the
      oldest sister. (Pedro Bartes)

      According to a survey, one in three women has faked an orgasm. The
      other two have faked the answer. (Pedro Bartes)

      Researchers in Japan have just discovered that young people who miss
      their breakfast tend to lose their virginity earlier in life.
      Apparently, they need to make up for the lack of eggs and sausages in
      the early morning. (Pedro Bartes)

      OTHER NEWS

      QVC says it will be in Washington, DC and will be selling Obama
      souvenirs as a part of the inauguration later this month. They are
      even selling the "McCain-Palin Remote Control Campaign Car". It isn’t
      very much fun though, because you can never get it out of first gear.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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