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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-03-09

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-03-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Barack Obama was voted the Most Admired Man in America and Hillary Clinton was
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 3, 2009
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-03-09
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Barack Obama was voted the Most Admired Man in America and Hillary
      Clinton was named Most Admired Woman; however Sarah Palin finished
      right behind them. It sums up the nation's current mood. If hope and
      forgiveness don't work, get the gun. (Argus Hamilton)

      A poll says Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is the naughtiest
      politician of the year, beating out Eliot Spitzer and John Edwards. It
      took some real work for three democrats to take the top honors away
      from everyone involved in the Bush Administration. (Jim Barach)

      Caroline Kennedy says she would have to work twice as hard as other
      Senators to prove herself worthy if she is appointed to the Senate.
      That means she would have to sometimes put in as many as four hours a
      day. (Jim Barach)

      This just in from Hawaii: Barack Obama is reportedly getting a little
      surf-bored.(Paul Feehan)

      A passenger gave birth on a Northwest Airlines flight from The
      Netherlands to Boston. The landing was bit uncomfortable. All carry-
      ons must be stowed in the overhead bins. (Alan Ray)

      There's probably a better chance of the Red Sox bringing back Babe
      Ruth than Manny Ramirez. (T. J. Simers)

      The Denver Broncos lost a three-game lead in the AFC West with three
      games to go, Now they'll be known as the Mile High Mets. (Dwight Perry)

      On pants-dropping Mike Singletary getting the full-time gig as 49ers
      head coach: "So, can we assume his quarterback coach will be Warren
      Moon?" (Janice Hough)

      An attractive Michigan teacher was arrested for having sex with her 17-
      year-old student. In her defense, as a volleyball coach and math
      teacher, she claims she was just teaching him how to spike and see how
      many times he could get 17 to go into 30. (Pedro Bartes)

      ROD BLAGOJEVICH

      Scandal-plagued Governor Rod Blagojevich has named former Illinois
      Attorney General Roland Burris to fill Barack Obama's former senate
      seat. Well, at least it wasn't Plaxico Burris. (Patrick Gorse)

      Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has appointed former Illinois Atty.
      Gen. Roland Burris to fill the U.S. Senate seat left vacant by Barack
      Obama. You know what this means: the check must have cleared. (Tim
      Hunter)

      The editor of Gourmet magazine wants the new president to require that
      White House menus feature local products. Unfortunately, in D.C. that
      would require harvesting road kill. Finally we've found a federal job
      for which Rod Blagojevich is qualified. (Scott Witt)

      His lieutenant governor says Rod Blagojevich will be impeached and
      convicted by Feb. 12. Just in time for Lincoln's 200th birthday.
      Illinois will be so proud. (Will Durst)

      PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA

      Vacationing in the islands has given Barack Obama the chance to pursue
      two of his fave activities: fishing for wahoo off Oahu and playing
      Hawaiian basketball, a.k.a. hula hoops. (Paul Feehan)

      President-Elect Obama reportedly wants to help gun manufacturers
      develop new technologies designed to prevent the weapons from being
      fired by anyone but their owners. Or even better, prevent the weapons
      from shooting anyone but their owners. -- The code name for the new
      technology is "Boomerang Bullets." (Joe Hickman)

      Transition insiders say that Barack Obama may decriminalize marijuana.
      Apparently the economy is so bad that Obama feels the best way to deal
      with it is to let everyone get high. (Jim Barach)

      PRESIDENT BUSH

      After leaving office, George Bush reportedly plans to go out on a
      speaking tour. That's right. Speaking tour. You can't make stuff up
      like this. (Will Durst)

      It was awkward when they asked President Bush what his New Year's
      resolution is, he said "Our government needs work, but there's no
      reason to overthrow it and start a resolution." (Pedro Bartes)

      Dick Cheney won't say who he picks as the best president. Apparently
      he is just being modest. (Jim Barach)

      SARAH PALIN

      The daughter of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has
      given birth to a son. Gov. Palin said he weighs 7 pounds, 4 ounces; or
      roughly the same as a fresh moose liver. Gov. Palin said he weighs 7
      pounds, 4 ounces; or roughly the same as a fresh moose liver. Gov.
      Palin celebrated the way every first-time Alaskan grandmother
      celebrates: sautéed whale blubber sandwiches and moose lips
      margaritas. (Jerry Perisho)

      Sarah Palin doesn't understand what all the fuss is about people
      acting like Barack Obama can walk on water. She points out that this
      time of year, anyone can do it in Alaska. (Janice Hough)

      Poor Sarah Palin, not only did she and John McCain lose out in
      November, now Barack Obama has also won the swimsuit competition.
      (Janice Hough)

      It’s so cold in Alaska, Governor Sarah Palin said she could see Russia
      from inside her house. (Tim Hunter)

      Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, just had a baby boy and they named
      him Tripp. Really, Tripp? Still, it is better than Sarah’s suggestion:
      Joe the Baby. (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE CONGRESS

      Democrats say they will refuse to seat Roland Burris in the Senate
      because being appointed by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will put
      him under a cloud of suspicion. That's opposed to the 99 other U.S.
      Senators who we already KNOW are corrupt. (Jake Novak)

      Caroline Kennedy for U.S. Senate? Madonna should also submit her
      name. The two are equal in government experience. Since insiders say
      it boils down to name recognition, why give us the daughter of a
      president when we can have the mother of God? (Scott Witt)

      41% of New York voters say that Caroline Kennedy is not qualified to
      be a Senator. It turns out that most of them actually thought the
      question was about Ted Kennedy. (Jim Barach)

      THE ECONOMY

      The credit bureau Equifax says that consumers are falling deeper in
      debt. You would think people would have more money now that they don't
      have a mortgage payment or any job related expenses. (Jim Barach)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      If you are up in Chappaqua, you know Bill Clinton did a lot of
      caroling. And a lot of Racheling and a lot of Michelle-ing. (David
      Letterman)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      The alleged Ponzi scheme of New York investment manager Bernie Madoff
      has claimed yet another victim, as al-Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden
      today revealed that he lost over $1 billion in the fraud. -- Speaking
      from what appears to be a cave, he said Mr. Madoff promised an annual
      return of ten percent, adding, "Now I don't know who to trust." (Andy
      Borowitz)

      In Chicago Friday, a bank robber wrote a bank hold-up note on the back
      of one of his pay stubs. The FBI arrested him at his home. The guy was
      stupid, selfish and greedy, and faces 20 years in prison; in other
      words, he's qualified to work in the Blagojevich administration.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      SECURITY & TERRORISM

      The CIA is buying information from Afghan warlords with Viagra. The
      only problem is that it is pretty easy to spot the informants now.
      (Jim Barach)

      THE MILITARY

      The US military is reporting that 20,000 troops will be sent to the
      southern region of Afghanistan where the Taliban insurgency has been
      especially tough. I am wondering if West Point dropped "Element of
      Surprise 101" from the curriculum. (Jerry Perisho)

      IRAQ & IRAN

      The U. S. military formally handed authority over Baghdad's "Green
      Zone" to Iraqis on Thursday. President Bush didn't show, even though
      Iraqi reporters brought extra shoes. -- And promised a shoe surge in
      his honor. (Joe Hickman)

      ISRAEL & THE MIDDLE EAST

      France is condemning Israel for rejecting a cease fire deal with
      Hamas. Of course, France is also condemning Israel for rejection a
      cease to exist deal that it's had on the table since 1948. (Jake Novak)

      Hamas continues to strongly protest Israel's attacks on its
      strongholds in Gaza... mostly because the Israeli action is making it
      impossible for Hamas to carry out its mission of killing Palestinians
      who aren't members of Hamas. (Jake Novak)

      AUSTRALIA & THE PACIFIC ISLANDS

      The U.S. is asking Australia to provide new homes to some of the
      prisoners now at Guantanamo Bay. But it's not likely Australia will be
      willing to take any more of the world's rejects after housing the Bee
      Gees for so many years. (Jake Novak)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      Scientists say they have found "strong evidence" that a comet exploded
      just above North America nearly 13,000 years ago, leading to the
      extinction of dozens of mammal species. Environmental attorneys are
      preparing a massive lawsuit against the comet in federal court. (Jake
      Novak)

      An Indiana couple who weighed more than 700 pounds combined have
      undergone weight-loss surgery on the same day. This is a little-known
      medical procedure called synchronized slimming. (Doug Austen)

      A Beverly Hills surgeon used body fat taken from his patients with
      liposuction to fuel his two S.U.V.'s. Talk about having junk in the
      trunk. (Jeff Sawyer)

      A California plastic surgeon claims he has developed a car that runs
      on human fat. Environmentalists are urging Congress to allow drilling
      on Rosie O'Donnell. (Todd Long)

      A leap second was added to 2008 to make up for minor slowing of the
      earth's rotation. I'm just glad they didn't add it during an episode
      of "The View." (Todd Long)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      Scientists say that Christmas lights are bad for the planet. Even
      Santa Claus is concerned about the environment. He is mating Rudolph
      with an elk to make his sleigh a hybrid. (Jim Barach)

      During Seattle's recent snowfall, the mayor decided that the city
      streets would NOT be salted because it would be bad for the
      environment. So, let me get this straight: you're afraid it's going to
      drain into the Puget Sound, a rather large body of salt water? The
      next time I think of spinning my wheels, I'll remember the mayor.
      Maybe we should have tried pepper? (Tim Hunter)

      SPORTS

      The N.F.L. regular season is history. Expect a lot of firing to go on
      this week. From the Redskins front office. From the Eagles front
      office. From Plaxico Burress's sweatpants. (Alan Ray)

      The Detroit Lions set an N.F.L. record Sunday as they became the first
      team in history with an 0-16 record. No success in 16 attempts; that's
      like Bush trying to correctly pronounce the word "nuclear" at a press
      conference. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Detroit Lions completed a winless season. Mercifully, many
      Detroiters escaped witnessing the humiliation and despair because they
      couldn't watch TV, living in their cars. (Norm M.)

      Three NFL teams fired their head coaches Monday. It's an American
      tradition that always seems to make the owners of losing teams feel
      almost as good as raising ticket prices. (Joe Hickman)

      On all the complaining and finger pointing after the Cowboys' season-
      ending 44-6 loss: "It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how you lay
      the blame." (Drew Curtis)

      Dallas Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones says he will keep Bum Jr. as head
      coach. He had talked with Detroit Lions ex-coach Rod Marinelli, but
      Rod has never been convicted of anything serious. -- "Too good a
      record." said Jones. (Joe Hickman)

      Is Tiger Woods vs. Phil Mickelson a rivalry? No. Not unless you
      consider a hammer and a nail a rivalry. (Mike Greenberg)

      Last week when the Iraqi journalist threw two shoes at President Bush,
      Terrell Owens complained that he was wide open on both plays. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      The New York Jets have fired head coach Eric Mangini. After hearing
      that the Detroit Lions had just gone 0-16, Jets management just HAD to
      hire their head coach! (Jake Novak)

      The Washington Generals plan to file suit against the 3-29 Oklahoma
      City Thunder, claiming copyright infringement. (Dwight Perry)

      Wow, talk about bad karma, It was bound to happen: USC is going to
      play Penn State in the Rose Bowl, and O.J. is playing in the state
      pen. (Keith Dempsey)

      After the 0-16 Lions promoted in-house holdovers to president and
      general manager: "When the fruit rots, you don't scrape off the skin
      and keep the insides. You throw it out." (Mitch Albom)

      On reports that Pats QB Brady popped the question to supermodel Gisele
      Bündchen: "Cannot confirm she had to tell poor Tom she'd already said
      yes to Matt Cassel." (Greg Cote)

      On the Blackhawks hosting an outdoor NHL game Thursday at Wrigley
      Field: "Will the fans standing on Waveland Avenue throw back the Red
      Wings' pucks?" (Jerry Perisho)

      The PGA Tour has suspended John Daly for six months. In his last
      tournament he was down by 7 shots. Of Tequila. (Alan Ray)

      Police searched the Totowa, N.J., home of Giants receiver Plaxico
      Burress for three hours last week and seized a cache that included a
      9mm handgun, a .30-06 rifle, a clip for a .45 gun and a pair of 38s.
      No, wait, those were his pants. (Dwight Perry)

      A sports medicine institute in a Houston hospital is removing pitcher
      Roger Clemens' name from its title. The janitor first tried steel wool
      and sand paper, but had a hard time getting the name off. Later, just
      a little dab of "clear" melted the name away. (Jerry Perisho)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" opened at theaters last week.
      Brad Pitt stars as a man who is old when he is born and grows younger
      over time. I don't want to spoil the climax, but he grows so young
      that in the end he is adopted by Angelina Jolie. (Doug Austen)

      "Benjamin Button" is out in theaters. Based on an F. Scott Fitzgerald
      short story, a baby is born an old man. Either way, his parents can't
      get out of buying diapers. (Alan Ray)

      "Doubt" is out in theaters. A nun suspects a priest of molesting a
      child. It was originally supposed to be titled "Another Day at the
      Rectory." (Alan Ray)

      A non-fiction book on Oprah's book club and the New York Times
      bestseller list on the Holocaust was pulled because it was a lie.
      Authorities became suspicious when it turned out one of the characters
      was a girlishly handsome teenage boy vampire. (Alex Kaseberg)

      CELEBRITIES

      Stuntman Robbie Knievel jumped a manmade volcano on the Las Vegas
      Strip. He will next attempt an even more challenging feat. He'll try
      to get his parking validated at the Mirage. (Alan Ray)

      Cloris Leachman gave the coin toss at the Rose Bowl game. There was an
      awkward moment, when they handed the coin to crazy ol’ Cloris, she
      tried to spend it on a young male escort. (Pedro Bartes)

      Paris Hilton says she suspects she knows who robbed her of $2 Million
      in jewelry from the bedroom of her Beverly Hills home. She says
      whoever did it had been in there before. That narrows it down to about
      half the men in California. (Jim Barach)

      Eliot Spitzer is on the list of people caught up in Bernard Madoff's
      ponzi scheme. Who'd-a thunk that the money he spent on call girls
      might have been the only time this year Spitzer got something for his
      investment? (Janice Hough)

      Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick were both victims in Bernard Madoff's
      alleged ponzi scheme. But on the bright side, it just got a lot easier
      to play that "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game. (Todd Long)

      Reports say Kevin Bacon lost millions in the Bernie Madoff ponzi
      scheme. Of course, there's just something not kosher about Madoff
      taking money from a guy named "Bacon." (Jake Novak)

      Actress Roseanne Barr is calling Israel a "Nazi state." This is what
      happens when you clear away her falafel platter before she's finished.
      (Jake Novak)

      RELIGION

      A priest from Pennsylvania has been removed from the ministry for
      excessive partying at New York City bars. He is protesting his
      dismissal, especially since nothing was done to the rabbi and the
      minister. (Todd Long)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A new study shows that more than half of the teens who take the
      "virginity pledge" end up breaking their promise. From now on,
      organizers will be giving each teen who takes the pledge a new
      Playstation 3. (Jake Novak)

      A study reveals teenagers who take the sex abstinence pledge are just
      as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not take the pledge.
      The problem is these kids have been raised to always obey their
      teachers. (Pedro Bartes)

      An Irvine, Calif., family found $10,000 cash stuffed into a box of
      crackers they'd purchased at a local grocery store. It turned out an
      elderly woman had placed her life savings in the box and accidentally
      returned it to the grocery store. How stupid can people be? Everybody
      knows your life savings goes in the Cheerios; jewelry goes in the
      crackers!

      I love it when those tabloid psychics and fortune tellers make daring
      predictions for the New Year: Paris Hilton will date some guys -- Tom
      Cruise will act weird -- the Pope will wear a big hat -- Simon Cowell
      will insult some bad singers. Ooooh, how do they do it?! (Toms Lake
      Humor Company)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Coca Cola has gotten a warning over nutritional claims for Diet Coke.
      The company claims there are "vitamins and minerals" in the product.
      Apparently we will have to go back to getting our necessary vitamins
      and minerals from all those sugary breakfast cereals. (Jim Barach)

      Microsoft says the reason Zune music players froze up on Dec. 31 was
      because they forgot to account for leap years. At least that's the
      explanation I saw on the newscast I watched on my iPod. (Todd Long)

      GM and Chrysler were scheduled to receive the first installment of
      their bailout money on Monday, but they still haven't received it yet.
      The Treasury says it has the money, but the actual check had to be
      ordered from the factory. (Jake Novak)

      The bailed-out Detroit automakers are offering some new features. Now
      when you push the OnStar button in your GM car, you get an ambulance,
      a tow truck, and UAW lobbyist. (Jake Novak)

      "The New York Times" wants the U.S. government to raise the gas tax,
      which means the Times may actually become the first failing company
      that won't get a bailout. (Jake Novak)

      HOLIDAYS

      Want a real Christmas experience? Fly on Richard Branson's airline and
      you too can have a Virgin berth. (Paul Feehan)

      New Year's Eve is Wednesday. How do organizers in Times Square plan to
      make the ball fall this year? They will give it to the CEO of a Wall
      Street investment firm. (Alan Ray)

      In Times Square, the hookers are offering a New Years Eve special. For
      an extra 20 bucks, they'll toot your horn during the ball drop. (Jerry
      Perisho)

      We got an invitation to one New Year's Eve party that sounds wild.
      It's B-Y-O-B-B. Bring your own bail bond. (Joe Hickman)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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