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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-13-08

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-13-08 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK An extra second will be added on at the end of the year so that we can stay in
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 13, 2008
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-13-08
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      An extra second will be added on at the end of the year so that we can
      stay in sync with atomic time. Wow, even the clocks need a bailout.
      (Tim Hunter)

      Don't you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to
      run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion
      dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt.
      (Jay Leno)

      Wow, was it cold yesterday here in New York. I mean frigid. Ladies and
      gentlemen, it was so cold Plaxico Burress was packing two heaters in
      his pants. (Marc Ragovin)

      Illinois Sen. Rod Blagojevich was arrested yesterday for trying to
      sell a seat in the Illinois Senate. He could wind up in prison, where
      his seat will be sold to the highest bidder. (Conan O'Brien)

      At least when a New York governor goes down, he has some fun on the
      way. (David Letterman)

      Don't you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The
      working girl, oh, they'll give her all the money. (Jay Leno)

      President-elect Obama says Governor Blagojevich should resign. Or, as
      Blagojevich would call it, "have a going out of business sale." (Todd
      Long)

      Hey, what are you folks getting for Christmas? Well, I tell you what,
      Illinois is getting a new governor. (David Letterman)

      Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been arrested and charged with
      trying to sell the Senate seat formerly held by Barack Obama. The
      voters of Illinois are shocked. Thousands of them rolled over in their
      graves. (Patrick Gorse)

      I'm trying to figure out what to buy my dad for Christmas. It's
      between a subscription to Sports Illustrated or an Illinois Senate
      Seat. (Tim Hunter)

      In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a
      literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for
      that matter. (Jay Leno)

      Paris Hilton is lobbying for the role of Tinkerbell in a new Peter Pan
      movie. Is that a good idea? When Tinkerbell drinks the poison and
      Peter Pan pleads for everyone to believe in her to save her, I'm
      pretty sure Paris would be, well, screwed. (Alex Kaseberg)

      O. J. Simpson was sent to prison for armed robbery Friday. Thirty-two
      years ago, O.J. was voted Most Admired Man in America. It stood as the
      biggest mistake in judgment Americans ever made right up to the day
      George W. Bush was sworn in as president. (Argus Hamilton)

      You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so
      excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to
      announce that from her house she can see the North Pole.(David
      Letterman)

      The White House Christmas tree has 25,000 lights on it. When they
      first turned it on, it had 26,000 lights. But Dick Cheney shot out a
      thousand of them. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

      There's been another legal effort to force state officials to produce
      a copy of Obama's birth certificate. Apparently, some people believe
      he was born in Indonesia, which is ridiculous because we all know he
      was born in Jerusalem. (Pedro Bartes)

      GOVERNOR BLAGOJEVICH

      "Speaking of Senate seats, this morning, Illinois Governor Rod
      Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI because he was trying to sell the
      Senate seat being vacated by Barack Obama. Blagojevich says he's sorry
      he tried to sell the seat and extremely sorry he did it on Craigslist.
      (Conan O'Brien)

      People close to the case talked about Blagojevich. They said that he
      was willing to do anything for money. That's why he was going to sell
      the Senate seat. See, that is so wrong. You know, in this country —
      let me tell you something. If you want money, you do what everybody
      else does, okay? You go to Congress and you demand a bailout. That's
      what we do. (Jay Leno)

      A new low in dumb! Governor Blagojevich, you knew you were under
      investigation and you used your own phone. (Stephen Colbert)

      You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? "For sale." I believe
      that was the sign. (Jay Leno)

      The bad news for Governor Blagojevich is that there's no chance
      President Bush will pardon him because Bush can't even pronounce his
      name. (Jay Leno)

      The economy is so rough that Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich had to accept
      an I.O.U. bribe. (Alex Kaseberg)

      How many people in our studio audience got your seats tonight because
      you paid off Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich? (Jay Leno)

      Ill. Dem. Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for selling Barack Obama's
      Senate seat to the highest bidder. Suddenly Elliot Spitzer hiring a
      couple of whores doesn't sound so bad. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Governor Rod Blagojevich didn't show up for work in Chicago on
      Wednesday. Just his luck, it was national call-in-sick if you're gay
      day. He may have to resign as governor of Illinois but he's leading
      all polls to be the next governor of California. (Argus Hamilton)

      Yesterday President-elect Barack Obama called on Illinois Governor
      Blagojevich to resign. And after hearing this, Blagojevich said, "If
      he wants to call and talk to me, it's $4.99 a minute. (Conan O'Brien)

      Gov. Rod Blagojevich told the media Monday that they can tape him,
      that he didn't mind. And today his lawyers followed his orders and
      taped his mouth so he would shut up and stop burying himself. (Pedro
      Bartes)

      In what is being called one of the most daring escape attempts in the
      history of law enforcement, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich on
      Tuesday offered the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack
      Obama to the FBI agent who took him into Federal custody. (Andy
      Borowitz)

      An aide to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich says the governor is in
      his office and everything is “business as usual. That means
      everything in Illinois is still up for sale. You can manage the Cubs;
      you can operate the “L”; heck, for $500,000 you can personally inject
      the grease into Oprah’s gravy I.V. drip. (Jerry Perisho)

      Governor Rod Blagojevich's approval ratings are now down to 8 percent.
      Amazing. Didn't know that a full 8 percent of Americans were comedy
      writers. (Janice Hough)

      Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. says he is “Candidate No. 5” in the
      Blagojevich complaint. His famous father says he is sorry his son is
      caught up in the scandal — but glad he got a number that’s easy to
      rhyme. (Todd Long)

      Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been arrested on corruption
      charges. He will become a very proactive state executive. He will not
      only fix the roads, but also clean up the side of them. (Alan Ray)

      Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI. Prosecutors
      charged the governor without waiting for a grand jury to indict him.
      They wanted to take him into custody before he could flee to the
      lawless tribal area of Pakistan.(Argus Hamilton)

      It is not all bad news for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, because
      today is his birthday. If you want to get Blagojevich a present, you
      can't go wrong with a good lawyer. (Craig Ferguson)

      President-elect Barack Obama, today, called for Illinois Governor Rod
      Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich said, "I'll do that if the price is
      right." (Conan O'Brien)

      Ah, for the good old days, when inmates in prison wrote letters
      asking, "Pardon me, Governor?" Now inmates ask, "Pardon me, didn't you
      used to be Governor?" (Janice Hough)

      THE BIG THREE

      The Big Three automakers asked Congress for a federal bailout Friday
      at the exact moment O. J. Simpson begged a Nevada judge for mercy.
      What did you expect? O. J. Simpson was the last guy to buy a Ford
      Bronco and it didn't turn out well for either of them. (Argus Hamilton)

      It looks like GM and Chrysler will get a $15 billion "bridge loan"
      from the government. That should be just enough money for those
      companies to pay out all their executive bonuses in time for
      Christmas. (Jake Novak)

      So the Senate nixed the bridge loan to the middle of nowhere (a.k.a.
      Detroit). This is because the Senate doesn't like the way the Big
      Three 3 do business. This is like a man coming into the E.R. with a
      heart attack and Dr. Senate giving him a good lecture about fried
      foods. (Robt Stupple)

      The White House and Congress worked together Tuesday to come up with a
      federal bailout plan for the Big Three automakers. The idea isn't
      polling well at all. Most Americans don't care who makes the cars as
      long as O. J. Simpson makes the license plates. (Argus Hamilton)

      OBAMA & BIDEN

      Earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden
      met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change
      issues. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most
      boring speaker of our lifetime, and the guy who speaks non-stop for
      our entire lifetime all together in one room. (Jay Leno)

      Barack Obama said that he will not smoke cigarettes while he's in the
      Oval Office. He's kind of a closet smoker. So, he said he wouldn't
      smoke. And President Bush actually defended him today. President Bush
      said he smokes a cigar on rare occasions. He says it helps him think.
      Apparently it's a very rare occasion. (Jay Leno)

      THE NEW ADMINISTRATION

      Looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who
      ran against him for president. Joe Biden got Vice President. Hillary
      Clinton, Secretary of State. Bill Richardson got Commerce Secretary.
      And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next
      year’s White House Christmas party. (Jay Leno)

      Obama, it seems, clearly cares,
      About our Domestic Affairs,
      His course is quite tight,
      Appointees? Mostly Right,
      Can't accuse him of putting on Ayers.
      (Larry Eisenberg)

      Barack Obama left liberals empty-handed Tuesday by appointing moderate
      conservatives to head both Defense and State and then putting a free
      trader at Commerce. He faked to the left and now he's going to the
      right. He studied in Chicago under Walter Payton. (Argus Hamilton)

      PRESIDENT BUSH

      President Bush says he is sorry that the economic crisis is happening.
      Apparently he wishes he would have done something to prevent it in
      say, the past eight years. (Jim Barach)

      What's the difference between Jay Leno and President Bush? Leno has a
      job next year (Alex Kaseberg)

      President Bush has been taking some criticism for all the species he
      has tried to take off the Endangered Species list. In his defense,
      think of all those he has added, like the middle class. (Janice Hough)

      According to "The Washington Post," during his eight years in office,
      President Bush spent 2,496 hours on the treadmill, elliptical machine,
      and mountain bike. And spent another 15 minutes working on the
      economy. (Jay Leno)

      President Bush says he is sorry the economic crisis is happening. He
      says ever since Dick Cheney disappeared he doesn't have anyone to tell
      him what he is supposed to be doing. (Jim Barach)

      THE ECONOMY

      We're not kidding about this economy, which is so bad that Illinois
      Governor Rod Blagojevich had to mark down the price of a Senate seat
      40 percent. (Jay Leno)

      The unemployment rate has risen to 6.7 percent in November. It made
      President Bush really happy until he learned it wasn't his approval
      rating. (Pedro Bartes)

      A government auditor says there has not been enough oversight for the
      financial bailout. Of course, if there was any government oversight we
      wouldn't need the bailout in the first place. (Jim Barach)

      Metal prices have fallen farther than they did during the Depression.
      The metals most losing their value are nickles, dimes and quarters.
      (Jim Barach)

      McCAIN & PALIN

      Palin said she would gladly have bought everything herself, but in
      Alaska, the governor's salary of $120,000 a year is paid entirely in
      fish, which most department stores do not accept. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      THE CONGRESS

      Republicans in the Senate are threatening to block the Detroit bailout
      bill, not so much because they're opposed to the loan, but because
      they need to do something to remind the country that Republicans still
      exist. (Jake Novak)

      Caroline Kennedy asked the governor of New York Thursday to appoint
      her to the U. S. Senate seat that's being vacated by Hillary Clinton.
      The pattern's clear. The U. S. Senate is now a day care center for the
      female relatives of legendary sex addicts. (Argus Hamilton)

      New York Congressman Vito Fossella will spend 5 days in jail for drunk
      driving. He will be among thugs, con men, and other lowlifes. And once
      he leaves Capitol Hill, it's on to prison. (Alan Ray)

      Idaho Sen. Larry Craig on Tuesday lost his appeal in a Minneapolis
      airport bathroom sex sting case. He lost his appeal a while ago, why
      do you think he has to pay now for sex? (Pedro Bartes)

      Hey, bad news for Senator Larry Craig. You know, America's favorite
      restroom enthusiast? You know Larry Craig. The court has refused his
      request to change his guilty plea. Remember, he was charged with
      soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men's
      room. He wanted the plea changed from "guilty" to just "jiggling the
      wrong handle. (Jay Leno)

      Senator Larry Craig lost his appeal to withdraw his guilty plea for
      soliciting gay sex in an airport men's room. He didn't know the guy he
      was trying to pick up in the next stall was a cop. He'd still have a
      political career today if he had let Bill Gates teach him to surf the
      Internet instead of charging him with anti-trust. (Argus Hamilton)

      LOCAL NEWS

      D.C.'s Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs officials say
      there will be a lottery for street vendors to work around the National
      mall on Inauguration day. The winners will get to sell Obama
      memorabilia; the losers, Bush memorabilia. (Pedro Bartes)

      NASA & SPACE

      Some more bad news. NASA announced today that we are delaying our
      mission to Mars until 2012 because of the economic crisis. Yeah.
      Apparently, the dollar is really weak on Mars right now. (Jay Leno)

      THE UNITED NATIONS & WORLD AGENCIES

      At the UN climate talks in Poland Thursday, Mexico announced it will
      be developing its own "carbon cap". Of course, what they were
      referring to was how long carne asada should stay on the grill. Toxic
      greenhouse gases aren't a big problem for Mexico, since most of them
      drift into the US anyway. (Jerry Perisho)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      According to a new survey, more than one in nine children in the U.S.
      use herbal supplements or some other form of alternative medicine. The
      number would be even higher but they decided not to include "have
      mommy kiss the boo-boo." (Paul Seaburn)

      A study reveals Louisiana is the unhealthiest state in the U.S. In
      fact, in Louisiana the only known aerobic activity is chasing your
      cousin to bed. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Louisiana diet is so bad and full of sugar the average person
      will get a cavity on their tooth. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A study says that name brand heart drugs are no better than their
      generic counterparts. Mostly because of the relapses suffered when
      people get their name brand prescription bills. (Jim Barach)

      Delaware's state veterinarian warned Monday of an outbreak of an
      infectious viral horse disease called Equine Herpesvirus. There's
      little anybody can do about it. They could make the horses wear
      condoms but that would really cut down on the revenue. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      A rare snowstorm hit New Orleans today. It snowed in New Orleans. You
      see that? Unbelievable. Not wasting any time, FEMA announced they will
      have plows in the New Orleans area within the next six to eight
      months. (Jay Leno)

      California has adopted the nation’s most sweeping plan to cut the
      emissions of toxic gases. They have placed a strict limit on political
      speeches. If they want to limit toxic harmful gases in Sacramento,
      they ought to close the doors to the state legislature and seal them
      shut from the inside. (Jerry Perisho)

      Fox News reported Saturday on the drought in California's Central
      Valley. It's destroying this season's crops of celery and melons and
      lettuce and broccoli and cauliflower. Next year the farm bill will be
      named the Supermodel Preservation Act. (Argus Hamilton)

      SPORTS

      Two-time beach volleyball gold medalist, Kerri Walsh, announced she is
      expecting with a child conceived the night she won in Beijing; sadly,
      this was not the best news for Walsh's husband as he did not make the
      trip to Beijing. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The New York Giants said they would take Plaxico Burress back if he
      promises not to shoot off anything in his pants again. That's funny,
      that was the same condition Hillary gave Bill Clinton. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Major League Baseball held winter meetings Monday with recession on
      everyone's mind. You think your stock went down. Three months ago
      baseball players could have signed for twelve million a year and today
      they're asking each other what Castro pays. (Argus Hamilton)

      The New York Yankees have signed free-agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia to a
      7-year, $161 million deal. Sabathia is 6-7, nearly 300 pounds and
      throws a heater. Basically, he's Randy Johnson without the mullet.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      Alex Rodriguez says that he and Madonna are "just friends." Of course,
      he also claims to be a third baseman. (Tim Hunter)

      Despite public comments about wanting to be closer to his home in
      California, C.C. Sabathia ended up taking the big money contract from
      the Yankees. Maybe because he realized he would still have Octobers
      off. (Janice Hough)

      President Bush attended the 109th Army-Navy game Saturday; there was
      an awkward moment when the first half ended and Bush proclaimed:
      "Mission accomplished." (Alex Kaseberg)

      The New York Giants placed Plaxico Burress on the injured list for the
      rest of the year Monday. He's perfectly healthy. At his last birthday
      party he blew out the candles without a problem, unless you consider
      buckshot in the wallpaper a problem (Argus Hamilton)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for
      one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential
      Campaign. (David Letterman)

      "Four Christmases" has been the top movie at the box office every
      weekend since Thanksgiving, which is odd, because you'd think people
      would want to laugh during these tough economic times. (Todd Long)

      The movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" was nominated for a
      Golden Globe Thursday. It's the story of a man who is born old and
      gets younger with the passing of time. Apparently, the writer got
      inspired by the life of Kenny Rogers. (Pedro Bartes)

      There's absolutely no truth to the rumor that in his new show on NBC,
      Jay Leno will play a California Highway Patrol officer with his co-
      star Erik Estrada, and that the program will be called
      "CHiNs." (Patrick Gorse)

      Variety said Hollywood will release six Holocaust movies on Christmas
      Day. That's in addition to the movie where Tom Cruise tries to blow up
      Hitler. It sounds like six studio executives made the same deal with
      God just before their last angioplasty. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

      Sean Hannity has decided to go it alone, rather than find a
      replacement for Alan Colmes. Apparently, he's hoping to win at least
      40% of the arguments now that he's only debating himself. (Pedro Bartes)

      For the first time after four press conferences, Obama took a question
      from a black Fox correspondent. It was high time... Fox got a black
      correspondent. (Pedro Bartes)

      In a move that some industry insiders called a game-changer, NBC
      announced today that it would cancel all of its primetime programs and
      air a static image of its peacock logo every night between 8 and 10.
      Some critics questioned whether viewers would tune in to watch a
      motionless rendering of a bird for two hours every night, but NBC boss
      Jeff Zucker called it "a perfect lead-in for Leno." (Andy Borowitz)

      CELEBRITIES

      Paris Hilton is lobbying to play Tinkerbell in a new movie version of
      Peter Pan. In the Paris Hilton version, Tinkerbell would spread pixie
      dust as well as a troublesome rash. (Conan O'Brien)

      Vanity Fair crowned Tina Fey as America's sweetheart Tuesday based on
      the popularity of her Sarah Palin impression. It's becoming just like
      Nixon. Hollywood liberals hate Sarah Palin unless they are three jokes
      short and it's five minutes til showtime. (Argus Hamilton)

      A high-ranking Roman Catholic clergyman in Chile criticized Madonna,
      saying her performance in Santiago has prompted "impure thoughts." I
      knew the Yankees were lusting after Madonna, but the Padres? (Jerry
      Perisho)

      In the current issue of O magazine, Oprah Winfrey admits she now
      weighs 200 pounds. She's hoping to start losing weight again by giving
      every person in her studio audience a box of Twinkies from her kitchen
      cupboard. (Paul Seaburn)

      84-year-old actress Nina Foch passed away this week. Besides appearing
      in "The Ten Commandments," Nina Foch was the first murder victim in
      "Columbo." There was an awkward moment at her funeral when Peter Falk
      showed up with a court order saying, "Before you complete the burial,
      I've got a few more questions." (Patrick Gorse)

      18-year-old Emma Watson says she would go naked in a movie IF it was
      the right part. And frankly, for being naked on camera, the right
      parts are really all that matter. (Tim Hunter)

      Sadly, Betty Page passed at 85. Page was ahead of her time as a
      lingerie model posing in girl-on-girl S&M scenes. Seriously, girl-on-
      girl S&M with lingerie models, I mean who could even imagine such… a…
      thing (Alex Kaseberg)

      EDUCATION

      As the economy sinks, School Nutrition Program participation is
      rising. Some 425,000 more students are participating in the National
      School Lunch and Breakfast Programs this year than last. And,
      reportedly, some 7-millon grandparents, who spend all their income on
      medicine, are going back to school. "Hey, Grumps gotta eat." (Joe
      Hickman)

      A study of 30,000 high school students says that U.S. teens lie, cheat
      and steal at an alarming rate. At least we know where our next
      generation of bankers, CEOs and politicians is coming from. (Jim Barach)

      Michigan's Department of Education banned schools from giving students
      an F in any subject Friday. It's for the good of the kids. When they
      are grown up and running the auto companies they'll have the
      experience necessary to ask for a bailout. (Argus Hamilton)

      HISTORY

      Nearly two pounds of a green plant material found in a 2,700-year-old
      grave in the Gobi Desert has now been identified as the world’s oldest
      marijuana stash. This beats the previous oldest stash found in Willie
      Nelson’s tour bus. (Jay Leno)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A survey shows 1 in 5 adults play video games every day. If a guy is
      on "World of Warcraft" 365 times a year, he will usually move to the
      next level. Assistant manager at Blockbuster. (Alan Ray)

      According to a new book by a Canadian business professor,
      procrastination is becoming more and more of a problem in the world.
      The author promises a solution in his next book . .. which he'll start
      writing as soon as he finds some time. (Pedro Bartes)

      HOLIDAYS

      George W Bush presided over the lighting of the White House Christmas
      tree for the last time Thursday. He wanted the biggest ceremony ever
      and to make this Christmas unique. Unfortunately, his dreams of having
      a nativity scene at the White House were shuttered because they
      couldn't find any wise men or a virgin. (Pedro Bartes)

      According to a new scientific research, Jesus wasn't born in December.
      Apparently, the Virgin Mary made it up so she wouldn't have to buy two
      presents: one for his birthday and one for Christmas. (Pedro Bartes)

      Hey, you probably saw this on the news. A very embarrassing moment at
      the Illinois State Capitol today. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich
      attended the opening of the nativity scene. And when the three wise
      men showed up with gifts for the baby Jesus, Blagojevich demanded half
      the loot. (Jay Leno)

      Christmas is coming. Biblical historians speak of what Mary and Joseph
      did with the gifts from the three wise men. They kept the gold and
      frankincense. They used the myrrh as a re-gift. (Alan Ray)

      OTHER NEWS

      Houston airport now has karaoke machines people can sing into while
      they wait for their flight. It's all part of the airport's "Lost
      luggage, delayed flights, and lining up to be frisked are not annoying
      enough" policy. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

      New York ad mogul Donny Deutsch was caught with a woman who's married
      to hedge fund mogul Andrew Sandler. The divorce trial will pit two
      billionaires fighting over a blonde. It's fair to say that men are
      like Illinois, they are governed by nuts. (Argus Hamilton)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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