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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-06-08 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month.
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 6, 2008
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-06-08


      The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs
      last month. So lawyers are losing their jobs, C.E.O.’s are being
      forced to work for a dollar a year, and Ann Coulter’s jaw has been
      wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever
      when you think about it. (Jay Leno)

      When he accidentally shot himself in the right thigh Saturday, Plexico
      Burrass also shot himself in the foot. (Jerry Crowe)

      Atheists filed suit against the Kentucky Homeland Security office
      because of the mention of God in the state anti-terror law. Legal
      analysts doubt their chances. They don’t really have a prayer. (Alan

      The Swiss are likely to approve legalized prescription heroin.
      Apparently they feel it could give their economy a real shot in the
      arm. (Jim Barach)

      Bush says he wants to be remembered as the man who liberated 50
      million people. Well, when you think about it, he did. Thanks to him,
      50 million Americans are now liberated from their savings account,
      their 401(k)s, car payments, mortgage… (Jay Leno)

      Right wing pundit Ann Coulter has broken her jaw, and the doctor has
      wired it shut. He didn't wire it shut for medical reasons. He said it
      was the holidays, he wanted to do something nice for people. (Jay Leno)

      Planned Parenthood is now selling abortion gift certificates on its
      website. Finally a Christmas gift your teenagers can actually USE!
      (Jake Novak)

      The headline in yesterday's paper read, "Obama could change makeup of
      Supreme Court." I sure hope this doesn't turn into another
      controversy over putting lipstick on pigs. (Gary Hallock)

      General Motors announced that they are ending their endorsement deal
      with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a spokesperson for General Motors
      said: "Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular. And that's
      just not us." (Conan O'Brien)

      This week, President Bush was awarded the International Medal of PEACE
      award. How did that happen? (Jay Leno)

      President Bush says he wants history to see him as the liberator of
      millions. Which is another clue that he will issue a blanket pardon to
      his entire administration. (Jim Barach)

      Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that the latest economic
      decisions have put the economy on the right track. Shouldn't we veer a
      little bit to the left? We have been on the right track for the last 8
      years, and the economy is wrecked. (Pedro Bartes)


      Word of the Day: Plaxident: An act of stupidity that costs you
      $35,000,000.00. (www.236.com)

      Did you hear about the new Plaxico Burress cocktail? Just one very
      expensive shot. (Janice Hough)

      Plaxico Burress just became the first athlete in modern history to get
      wounded in a shoot-out with himself. (Argus Hamilton)

      NY Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burris was released on $100,000 bail
      on weapons charges Monday. He was carrying a handgun without a permit
      when he shot himself in the leg recently. Bail requires Burris to
      stay out of nightclubs, to carry no weapons and to stay off the field
      when the Giants' offense is in a shotgun formation. (Jerry Perisho)

      New York Giant receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh with
      an illegal handgun in a New York nightclub; or as Adam “Pacman” Jones
      calls shooting yourself in a nightclub: cutting out the middleman.
      (Alex Kaseberg)

      New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress was suspended for four games
      after he accidentally shot himself in the leg over the weekend at a
      Manhattan nightclub. His career as an NFL receiver may be over, but
      his career as a rapper is just beginning. (Jerry Perisho)

      Plaxico Burress was wounded when his gun accidentally went off in his
      waistband in a nightclub Sunday. He claimed he was carrying it to
      protect his jewelry. If he really wanted to protect the family jewels,
      he was an idiot to put a gun in his pants. (Argus Hamilton)

      Apparently linebacker Anthony Pierce will now be testifying against
      teammate Plaxico Burress in his gun case. Burress thought Pierce had
      his back. This is what is known as blown coverage. (Janice Hough)

      The hookers in New York are offering a Plaxico Burress special; for
      $100 they will make you go off in your pants. (Alex Kaseberg)

      N.Y. Giants receiver Plaxico Burress will face felony charges after
      shooting himself in the leg at a Manhattan club Friday night. The NFL
      only allows Burress to carry a gun when he's being covered by Pacman
      Jones. (Jake Novak)


      It’s a sign of the times when Chrylser, Ford and G.M. set up donation
      kettles right next to the Salvation Army. (Sid Knowles)

      Congressional leaders are reviewing the bailout plans submitted by
      G.M., Chrysler and Ford. If they think they will work, they’ll take
      them back to the business office and have their manager take a look at
      them. (Todd Long)

      Well, the Big Three car boys left their private jets at home and came
      in electric cars. They still don’t get it. The American people don’t
      want to see them in electric cars, but chairs. (Tulla Brendingulo)

      The big 3 Detroit automakers now say they need $34 billion to fix the
      industry. The base price is still $25 billion, but they say they need
      another $9 billion for parts and labor. (Jake Novak)

      CEO's of the Big Three automakers are pleading for financial help from
      Congress. Each says he will reduce his salary to $1 per year. They
      can use that dollar to tip the elevator operator who shuttles them up
      to the penthouse suites or the masseuse who provides the afternoon
      rubdown or the executive chef who peels their grapes. (Jerry Perisho)

      If we the taxpayers are going to loan General Motors the $18 billion
      they want, at least make sure G.M. doesn’t get zero-percent financing.
      (Mark L.)

      Some people in the media have pointed out that it is kind of
      ridiculous for the Big Three automakers to ask for $34 billion when
      the companies are now worth only $4 billion. And then you realize that
      that is almost the same profit margin of any car salesman. (Pedro


      Some Democrats are already criticizing Barack Obama for not getting
      more involved in the economic crisis, although he won’t be sworn in
      for over six weeks. Even Elizabeth Taylor had honeymoons that lasted
      longer than this. (Janice Hough)


      Hillary Clinton was appointed Secretary of State thus answering my
      prayers for four more years of Clinton jokes. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Barack Obama has officially named Hillary Clinton as Secretary of
      State, which I think is a great idea. If anybody can bring peace to
      the Middle East, it's Hillary. Think about it. She has proven over and
      over again you can live side by side with your biggest enemy and still
      make it work. (Jay Leno)

      During her confirmation hearings, Republicans could force Hillary
      Clinton to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton's
      financial affairs, to which Hillary said, "What kind of affairs?
      Financial? Oh, no problem. Bring it on." (Jay Leno)

      Hillary Clinton was nominated Monday to become the country's next
      Secretary of State. Her job will be to improve America's ranking in
      the world. Germany remains number one in the poll despite its last two
      losses, due to their strength of schedule. (Argus Hamilton)

      President-elect Barack Obama nominated New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson
      to be Secretary of Commerce. Given the state of our economy, that
      might be the toughest cabinet job of all of them, which means, once
      again, the Mexican guy gets stuck with the job nobody wants to do,
      (Jimmy Kimmel)


      President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in
      Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where president Bush has
      outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago,
      he would have had to pay 10 million bucks for that house, but thanks
      to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!
      (Jay Leno)

      President Bush gave an interview to ABC News. Bush said he wished the
      intelligence on Iraq had been different. Hey, how many wish the
      intelligence in the White House had been different? (Jay Leno)

      How does that work when the President applies for a home loan? Like,
      when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion dollar
      deficit?(Jay Leno)

      Well, here's something kind of embarrassing for President Bush. This
      is true. This year, the White House Hanukkah cards they sent out had a
      Christmas tree on the front. And President Bush, very embarrassed by
      this. He said all the cards will be pulled and all of his Jewish
      friends will get a new card with a picture of the Hanukkah Bunny. (Jay

      President Bush told ABC’s Charles Gibson his biggest regret was “bad
      intelligence” on Iraq. Historians will debate the source. Was it from
      his CIA? Or, from his DNA? (Alan Ray)

      President Bush said last weekend that he wants history to see him as a
      "liberator of millions." For starters, he liberated millions of
      Americans from the Republican party. (Janice Hough)

      During the transition, President Bush is busy granting pardons. Today
      he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric. (David

      President Bush said that most people voted for Barack Obama because
      they decided they wanted him to be in their living room for the next
      four years . If that was the logic behind voting, Americans would have
      voted for a Pizza Hut delivery guy. (Pedro Bartes)


      It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced
      that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country,
      where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as
      we call that today, a bailout. (Jay Leno)


      The economy is so bad, I saw Snoop Dogg eating regular brownies. (Jay

      This economy is rough, Ford announced they may sell Volvo, that’s
      nothing, Paris Hilton may sell her vulva. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Last Friday was, of course, Black Friday. And if you had money in the
      stock market, today is Black Monday. Stock market lost 679 points
      today. It's not even a stock — that's a flea market. That's what it is
      now. (Jay Leno)

      The definition of a recession is negative growth in the economy for at
      least two quarters. Now economists say that the United States is
      definitely in a recession, and has been so for a year. So where did
      all these economists come from? FEMA? (Janice Hough)

      The National Bureau of Economic Research said Monday that the
      recession is one-year-old. I guess that makes leaving Bush a deadbeat
      dad then. (Pedro Bartes)

      Bailouts are where the government bites off more than the taxpayers
      can chew! (Gil Stern)

      This year's Cyber Monday featured all kinds of items with prices
      slashed 50 percent or more — Including stock. (Janice Hough)

      Some Congressional Democrats are criticizing Barack Obama for taking a
      more hands-on approach to the current economic crisis. You’ve got to
      remember, the last Democratic president to be hands-on got himself
      impeached. (Jerry Perisho)

      A Connecticut survey showed Monday that American millionaires might be
      cutting off buying gifts for their mistresses this Christmas. Why
      should they? Now that the stock market has wiped them out, the divorce
      is less expensive than the hush money. (Argus Hamilton)


      Congress is going to save businesses that keep Americans in debt.
      Isn't that like your doctor serving pork rinds in the waiting room?
      (Stuart Kurtz)

      Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss won the runoff election for the
      Senate seat for Georgia. Republicans think that Sarah Palin
      campaigning him for him helped him win. You know, this is the first
      candidate she's helped elect since, I guess, Barack Obama. (Jay Leno)


      A New York cop won $4.5 million in damages because of an accident he
      had at the police station. The chair he was sitting in broke --
      causing him to shoot himself in the leg. $4.5 million?! Gee whiz,
      when I fell out of the studio chair and almost strangled myself with
      my headphone cord -- all I got was a chewing out from the boss. (Toms
      Lake Humor Company)


      The state of California says it will run out of cash by February. The
      nation's banks are responding by saying: "We wish we still had that
      much cash!" (Jake Novak)

      Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared a fiscal emergency here in
      California. I think that's what he said. He either said fiscal
      emergency or he said, "I need a physical, I need some surgery." (Jay


      With Barack Obama naming Hillary Clinton as his new Secretary of
      State, the rumor has sprung up that Bill Clinton might take over her
      Senate seat. Bill Clinton held a press conference yesterday and said
      he had no interest in Hillary's seat... or her job as Senator, for
      that matter. (Tim Hunter)

      Bill Clinton said that before he would accept the job as Senator from
      New York he would need three things: Chuck Shumer's support, Michael
      Bloomberg's cooperation, and Eliot Spitzer's Rolodex. (Janice Hough)

      Bill Clinton's been mentioned as a possible candidate to fill Hillary
      Clinton's seat. When Bill Clinton was told he could replace Hillary,
      he immediately asked: "for two of 20?", until he was told it was to
      replace her as a senator. (Pedro Bartes)

      Bill Clinton has agreed to disclose the names of all the donors to his
      private charity to pave the way for wife Hillary to get the secretary
      of state job. It turns out the former president's top supporters are
      the makers of Viagra and penicillin. (Jake Novak)


      Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, the younger brother of the
      president, is considering running in 2010 for a Senate seat. Bush
      thinks he has a foolproof plan to win, according to his spokesperson
      Chad Dangler. (Paul Seaburn)


      U.S. analysts say that the odds of a nuclear terrorist attack against
      a major city within the next five years are very good. Unfortunately
      for the attackers, the odds of not finding anything to attack due the
      horrible economy are very good too. (Pedro Bartes)

      The federal government is warning of a terror plot in New York City
      involving the subways. They warn that people should be aware of the
      potential for toxic gases. No word yet on what to look for in the
      event of a terrorist attack. (Jim Barach)

      A cruise ship was attacked by pirates off of Yemen, but the Captain
      outran the pirate ship. In fact, the pirates were so badly outrun they
      were named honorary Oakland Raiders. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Those Somali pirates are brazen and the money keeps coming in; today
      Levitra announced they would sponsor the pirate's swords. (Alex

      NASA & SPACE

      On the International Space Station: The urine-to-drinking water
      machine finally works. The machine has a switch that lets astronauts
      pick between "Smooth" and "Chunky." (Toms Lake Humor Company)

      The space shuttle Endeavour landed in California on Sunday. To show
      you how bad the economy is, the astronauts were charged 15 bucks a
      bag. (Jay Leno)


      The Supreme Court has ruled that obese people have the right to two
      seats for the price of one on flights within Canada. Next time I
      travel to Canada, I'm going to wear all the clothes I had in my
      luggage, so not only will I save money on extra bags, but also I will
      get en extra seat for free. (Pedro Bartes)


      The highest tides in nearly 20 years have flooded the historic Italian
      city of Venice. … Most of the city is under water, which is unlike US
      cities where most of the mortgages are under water. (Jerry Perisho)


      The Nautica luxury cruise ship outraced a boatload of Somali pirates
      in the Gulf of Aden. The pirates wanted to rob the passengers and
      ransom them. Fox Sports tried to option the television rights for the
      race but was outbid by the Fox Business Channel. (Argus Hamilton)


      Scientists have discovered 2,700-year-old marijuana in an ancient tomb
      in China. They think it may have belonged to one of that country’s
      most popular emperors. Qin Du Bong. (Alan Ray)

      The annual cold and flu season is upon us and doctors are telling us
      to take precautions. This is what I do every night; I wash down my
      Viagra with a tumbler of Nyquil! (Jerry Perisho)

      Harvard Medical School scientists announced Monday they found the gene
      that is responsible for the aging process. They said it may be
      possible to reverse many aspects of aging. This discovery came just in
      time so people can enjoy a long life with no money. (Argus Hamilton)


      At the Clinton Global Initiative meeting in Hong Kong yesterday, they
      announced that everybody was served environmentally friendly bottled
      water made from condensed moisture in the air. They put a bucket
      outside and collected rain water, O.K.? That's what it is. (Jay Leno)


      Federal prosecutors have dropped 4 of the charges of lying to a grand
      jury against former baseball great Barry Bond. Bonds remains confident
      about his case, but friends have warned him not to get a big head.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      The NFL has suspended six players for steroids. The New York Giants
      were not affected. The only dope they have is Plaxico Burress. (Alan

      The NFL playoff picture takes shape. In the NFC, it looks like the New
      York Giants just have too many weapons. At the least, Plaxico Burress
      does . (Alan Ray)

      Big news from baseball. Madonna has just traded Guy Ritchie for Alex
      Rodriguez and a boy-toy to be named later. (Tim Hunter)

      A company called Atlas Sports Genetics is offering a new genetic test
      that can tell which sports your toddler will be good at, or a the
      Chinese call it: Olympics Tryouts. (Pedro Bartes)

      The NFL announced that six players have been suspended for using a
      banned diuretic. A diuretic increases the output of urine. Two of the
      players were on the Vikings. You’ve got to be careful with diuretics
      when you’re in Minnesota in December. That urge suddenly hits you and
      you’ll find yourself frozen to the sidewalk. (Jerry Perisho)

      Olympic swimming hero Michael Phelps is dating a Las Vegas stripper
      known for her topless modeling; it’s all part of Phelps’s goal to stay
      on top of his breast stroke. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Whizzinator salesmen pleaded guilty in Pittsburgh on Monday. The
      device is a prosthetic penis filled with fake urine that helps
      cheaters pass drug tests. The Barry Bonds model is their best seller
      but the Marion Jones model is a real conversation starter. (Argus

      Citigroup is going to keep its deal to put their name on the new
      stadium for the New York Mets which cost them hundreds of millions of
      dollars. If Citigroup is going to have their name on any stadium, it
      should be on the one where the Detroit Lions play. (Jim Barach)

      Tiger Woods lost his seven million dollar endorsement deal with
      General Motors last week. He'll recover. Within hours the Treasury
      Secretary offered Tiger Woods a twenty-five billion dollar bailout if
      he would agree to a cut in salary and no bonus. (Argus Hamilton)


      A Harry Potter spin-off book by J.K. Rowling goes on sale this week.
      Each of the short stories in this volume has a happy ending. Your kids
      stay quiet for about 30 minutes a read. (Alan Ray)

      Brad Pitt is starring in a movie to be released soon in which he is
      born old and gets younger with the passing of time. Apparently, the
      writer got inspired by the life of Kenny Rogers. (Pedro Bartes)

      Sean Penn got rave reviews for his new movie, Milk, on Thursday. It's
      about San Francisco's first gay councilman Harvey Milk, who was
      murdered during a City Council meeting in the late Seventies. You
      could kill anybody with a good Jerry Brown joke in those days. (Argus

      "Cadillac Records" is out in movie theaters this weekend. The film
      depicts the legendary Chuck Berry as someone who really paid his dues.
      Just not his taxes.(Alan Ray)

      Tom Cruise's new movie Valkyrie, opening Christmas Day, is the true
      story about the World War II German combat hero who tried to
      assassinate Adolf Hitler. The actor desperately needs a hit.
      Scientologists are considered so weird in Hollywood today they have to
      play Nazis in order to improve their images and save their movie
      careers. (Argus Hamilton)


      New York Daily News reporters were able to use a laptop computer on
      Tuesday to transfer the ownership of the Empire State Building into
      their own names and obtain all the documents they needed to get a
      mortgage loan on it. It was worth a try. Fraudulent lending got us
      into this mess and perhaps fraudulent lending can get us out. (Argus


      Pop singer Madonna is in Mexico City as part of her current concert
      tour called "Sticky & Sweet". "Sticky & Sweet"? Isn't that what
      Madonna calls A-Rod when he's covered in pine tar? (Jerry Perisho)

      Bill Gates said Thursday he wants to help the Obama administration.
      That's why today he sent Obama a Mac. (Pedro Bartes)

      Bill Gates wants President-elect Obama to approve a wide-ranging
      stimulus plan to fix the economy. Obama says he had been working on
      just such a plan, but he lost all the data when his Vista crashed.
      (Jake Novak)

      Mary-Kate Olsen’s publicist says Mary-Kate’s not pregnant, contrary to
      a report in the National Enquirer. That bulge in recent pictures is
      what happens whenever she cheats on her diet and eats the olive in her
      martini.(Paul Seaburn)

      Amy Winehouse is said to be working with lawyers to divorce her
      husband. Apparently, they'll only need a credit card and a mirror to
      divide their possessions. (Pedro Bartes)

      Britney Spears turned 27 this week. It was sweet, her ex, Kevin
      Federline, delivered Britney a Dominoes pizza for no charge. (Alex

      According to the British tabloids, Amy Winehouse gave her husband a
      little farewell sex before he went back to prison. He asked for it,
      because he knew that after that nobody in jail would dare get close to
      him. What if they caught a disease? (Pedro Bartes)

      Police in Europe say they're suspicious after Winona Ryder, who has
      been busted in the U.S. twice for shoplifting cosmetics and hair bows,
      reported the theft of $125,000 in jewelry. The police are suspicious
      of course because they don't understand why someone who can't afford
      makeup and hair bows CAN afford $125,000 in jewelry. (Patrick Gorse)


      A study says college tuition has risen three times the cost of living.
      The price tag has many young people rethinking their educational
      plans. Surely there must be cheaper places to drink. (Alan Ray)

      A Southern California calculus teacher says he's selling ad space on
      his test papers to make up for a cut in his supply budget. The prices
      vary according to the student's score; ads are cheaper if you get an
      F, because the student won't show it to anybody. (Pedro Bartes)


      According to a new study in "Psychology and Health Journal," being
      religious may help extend your life. That's what they say — deeply
      religious live longer. In fact, they say some people in the Middle
      East, now living well into their '30s. (Jay Leno)


      Today marks the 75th anniversary of the repeal of Prohibition. And
      thanks to Wall Street, today we have the best reason to get drunk in
      75 years. (Jake Novak)


      A couple was busted for having sex in a public bathroom at the Iowa/
      Minnesota college football game. The woman involved was married to
      another man and says the publicity from the incident has ruined her
      life. Imagine everyone knowing you are an Iowa fan. (Jim Barach)


      Because of a continuing legal battle, Bratz dolls will soon be pulled
      from toy store shelves. China will double the poisonous lead amounts
      to all Barbies to make up for the shortfall. (Jake Novak)

      An arms company in New Jersey has designed an easy-to-use hand gun for
      people suffering from arthritis. Is this really a good idea? Guns are
      already going off in perfectly healthy guys' sweat pants. I can't
      imagine what could go wrong here! (Patrick Gorse)

      A.I.G., you know the insurance company who’s getting over $11 billion
      of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they’re giving
      130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. But they say,
      “Oh, these are cash awards, not bonuses.” They say they are payments
      to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh,
      yeah, God forbid A.I.G. should lose any of these business geniuses.
      Imagine what kind of shape they’d be in without these people. (Jay Leno)


      Thanksgiving Day grocery sales were reported Friday to have topped
      last year's sales, including a spike in Mexican food. Some traditions
      never change. All over America on Thanksgiving Day families sit down
      for dinner at the same moment, halftime. (Argus Hamilton)

      An eight-ton, 72-foot Norway spruce was lighted at Rockefeller Center
      as entertainers sang and people cheered. Really, what explains the
      real meaning of Christmas better than cutting down a century-old
      wonder of nature and hauling it into a big city to decay? (Jerry

      Hundreds of artists were asked to submit ornaments for the White House
      Christmas tree. Laura Bush rejected one calling for her husband’s
      impeachment, saying it wasn’t in the spirit of the season. She is
      still mulling over a tasteful orb, covered in chicken feathers,
      attached with a sticky black substance. (Charles Almon)


      According to a study by Newsweek, office workers are viewing more porn
      at work than last year. Experts believe this could trigger more
      lawsuits by disgruntled ugly secretaries that are feeling ignored.
      (Pedro Bartes)


      "Britney" and "Spears" were the most-searched words of the year on
      Yahoo!, followed by "World Wrestling Federation," and in third place,
      "Barack Obama." I think the lesson here is that Americans are not
      responsible enough to be using computers. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      In a landmark deal that could provide much-needed cash to America's
      anemic economy, China agreed today to acquire the naming rights to the
      U.S. for a reported $1.4 trillion. "We get 1.4 trillion dollars, and
      all we have to do is change our name to 'Panda Garden,'" Mr. Bush told
      reporters at the White House. (Andy Borowitz)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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