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Weakly Humerus News 03-17-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS will be given a rest for the next few months while I have a chance to catch-up with other necessities, especially adequate sleep. It will
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 17, 2013
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS will be given a rest for the next few months while I have a chance to catch-up with other necessities, especially adequate sleep. It will return about June first.  (Stan Kegel) 

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-16-13
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do. (Conan O'Brien)

      Is Hooters going bust? It's been reported that sales at Hooters are sagging. I wonder if they are strapped for cash. (Bert Piboin) 

      UCLA economists report households of registered Democrats use less electricity than homes of registered Republicans. Which is odd since the Democrats are in power. (RJ Currie) 

      So Ted Cruz supports his state's banning of books with unpopular opinions, but strongly opposes any restriction to obtaining weapons used in military battles. There is some justification for this. Everyone knows that in a democracy, books are more dangerous than guns. (Stan Kegel with thanks to Ray Bradbury) 

      According to a new law in Arkansas, churchgoers can legally pack heat while attending services.  It's changed the liturgy somewhat.  Bible Verses are now attributed to Mathew, Mark, Luke, John, Smith and Wesson. (Bob Mills)

      After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he's asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino. (Conan O'Brien)

      Wednesday's date, 3-13-13, was a palindrome, not to be confused with a remote-controlled flying machine operated by Sarah Palin. No, that's a Palin drone. (Tim Hunter) 

      North Dakota wants to ban abortions. It's particularly cruel to force those kids to grow up in North Dakota. (Steve Hofstetter)

      POPE FRANCIS & THE VATICAN

      THE NEW POPE

      The Catholic Church has elected a new Pope, Francis I from Argentina. He had a lung removed when he was a child. When asked at the Conclave if he had a chance of being elected, he said he wasn’t holding his breath. (Jim Barach)

      Pope Benedict XVI was 78 when elected and now Francis I has been picked at age 76. For the Catholic Church this qualifies as a youth movement. (Will Durst)

      We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A. (Jay Leno)

      The new pope is Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio and he's from Argentina. The first thing he did as pope was kneel down before a statue of the Madonna. He asked her blessing and told her what a wonderful job she did in the film version of Evita. (Wendel Potter)

      People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews. (Jay Leno)

      The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name. (Conan O'Brien)

      The new Pope, Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Buenos Aires, was taken immediately after his election to get his new clothes and be given time to pray in the 'Room of Tears'. Wonder if they piped in the music, "Don't cry for me, Argentina? (Janice Hough)

      Pope Francis is not fluent in English. His primary language is Spanish.  Finally! A pope who will be understood by the majority of the people in the United States. (Wendel Potter)

      The new pope will inherit a church with many problems. My advice to the new pope is to blame the problems on the previous pope. (Gary Bachman)

      Popes get to choose a Pope name; this one is Francis. I think if I were Pope I’d be Dingy I. I’m not too ambitious, I just want to sit on water. (Bill Williams)

      One of the great challenges facing the new Pope is a Roman Catholic Church that is out of touch with today’s youth -- well except for some of the priests. (Gary Bachman)

       

      The new Pope Francis was seen joking amongst the Cardinals as he was congratulated for being selected. He spoke in Latin amongst his peers; the translation was: "HOLY Crap! I won!" (TC Chong)

      The new Pope is a man of the people. Immediately after they elected him, he went back to the hotel by himself, brought his luggage downstairs, and checked himself out of the hotel. There was the fight about the mini bar charge but other than that, he was humble. (David Letterman)

      Insiders say the new Pope will bring The Church up to date with modern technology. Just wait until he tries to 'Facetime' with over two billion followers all at once. (TC Chong)

      THE CONCLAVE

      So the Vatican wants the Church to be more relevant in a modern age. Maybe they could increase interest in this whole Papal selection process by publishing brackets? And warning those brackets are not for betting purposes. (Janice Hough)

      When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs. (David Letterman)

      As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote. (Craig Ferguson)

      A poll came out this week and said a large majority of American Catholics want someone younger and all the cardinals said, "Girlfriend, who doesn’t."

       (Bill Maher)

      LA's beleaguered Cardinal Roger Mahoney took an oath of absolute secrecy before entering the Sistine Chapel.  Wow -- talk about overkill. (Bob Mills)  

      The Cardinals gathered at The Vatican have yet to elect the new Pope. Neither have the Saints, Rams or Falcons. However, the Jets are pushing to get Tebow elected, as they know it wouldn’t cost them a draft pick.  (TC Chong)

      Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida. (Conan O'Brien)

      In 1740, it took 5 months before a new Pope was elected. This selection process could take longer, as the new Pope has to deal with Lance Armstrong’s confessions amongst his first duties. (TC Chong)

      The papal conclave in Rome is over. They sent out white smoke. Meanwhile with the sequester in Washington, they’re still blowing smoke. (Janice Hough)

       

      U. S. POLITICS -- THE STALEMATE

      Touring Boehner’s Brain
      To save cash, White House tours are curtailed,
      But the House tours have NOT been derailed.
      So you still can have fun
      Seeing nothing get done
      On the Hill, watching nonsense unveiled.
      (Madeleine Begun Kane)

      House Speaker John Boehner says that election losses won’t change the party’s budget stance. Apparently neither will polls, economics and common sense. (Jim Barach)

      At the Vatican, the Cardinals have been locked up until they decide on a Pope. Couldn't we try something like this with Congress and the sequester? (Janice Hough)

      Senator Rand Paul waged a filibuster on the Senate floor Wednesday over the use of drones. He spoke for thirteen hours without stopping before he finally had to go to the bathroom. It started a national conversation about the side effects of testosterone creams. (Argus Hamilton)

      Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed. (Bill Maher)

      Somewhere George W. Bush is giggling. Paul Ryan today on his budget: This to us is something that we're not going to give up on, because we're not going to give up on destroying the health care system for the American people. (Janice Hough)

      How about that Rand Paul? There was some old-fashioned 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington' excitement this week. He filibustered the old-school way. He stood up there for 13 hours and demanded an answer from the president about whether it’s constitutional to kill an American on American soil with a drone. And Obama shot back, "Don’t push me!" (Bill Maher)

      What’s the key to the GOP brand?
      Budget cuts that our land can’t withstand.
      So it’s laughably lame
      That they’re trying to claim
      The sequester’s Obama’s scheme grand.
      (Madeleine Begun Kane)

      Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he likes the idea of passing a budget every two years instead of every year. Which is a pretty good idea coming from someone who hasn’t passed a budget in the past four years. (Jim Barach)

      With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can tell you're spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend ANY money on calligraphy. (Jimmy Fallon)

      CPAP & THE REPUBLICANS

      Rand Paul won today's CPAC's straw poll, just ahead of Marco Rubio. Democrats wish both them as much luck as the 2012 winners, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum. (Janice Hough)

      Jeb Bush now says he didn't really believe what he wrote in his book - that undocumented immigrants should not be eligible for a path to citizenship. Because he wrote the book last year, at a time when the immigration debate "was dramatically different." Looks like the 'Etch a Sketch' has been passed to a new generation. (Janice Hough)

      Jeb Bush, when asked about the effect his family history might have on a run for the Presidency, replied,  "I don’t think there’s any Bush baggage at all." And Sarah Palin commented, "And they call me stupid." (Janice Hough)

      Attendees are blasting conservative GOP Senator Rob Portman for having a gay son and now endorsing gay marriage. Right, the same folks cheering Sarah Palin whose daughter Bristol has been such a paragon of traditional values. Wonder how many of the conservatives who are criticizing Senator Portman's support of gay marriage are the same folks screaming about too much government control over our lives? (Janice Hough)

      Does Paul Ryan not get the concept that if America had wanted his B.S. budget, we would have voted for him and Mitt? (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney gave a speech at CPAC that sounded like he was still running for President. Well, suppose that makes at least as much sense as Paul Ryan acting with his budget like he and Mitt won. (Janice Hough)

      In a speech at CPAC, Marco Rubio today referred to liberals as 'freeloaders'. Somehow I missed the part of the speech where he decried the rule that U.S. Senators get a pension for life after only one term. (Janice Hough)

      At a CPAC speech, Sarah Palin attacked Obama's teleprompter use. Palin had more insults written, but couldn't fit all of them on her hand. (Erik Bransteen) 

      Sarah Palin at CPAC while drinking from a "Big Gulp" cup on stage "Bloomberg’s not around. Our Big Gulp’s safe." Nice prop usage, except that Palin made a point of saying after the 2008 campaign, "I never asked for anything more than a Diet Dr. Pepper once in a while." (Janice Hough)

      MARCH MADNESS 

      Gonzaga is #1 in the AP men's basketball poll today. There goes any hope they had of being the tournament's Cinderella. (Janice Hough)

      One week until Selection Sunday for March Madness. Meaning in many American offices, these upcoming five work days will be the last productive ones for some time. (Janice Hough)

      Selection Sunday in college basketball this weekend. Hundreds of D-1 athletes all with the same dream. To miss as much school as possible. (Alan Ray)  

      March Madness has begun. Google is getting many searches for these schools: James Madison, Valparaiso, Creighton and Davidson. Would you believe everyone east of Idaho is Googling 'Gonzaga Beans'? (TC Chong)

      Conference tournaments begin in college basketball. How is a three pointer like a general education course? Players tend to miss more than they make. (Alan Ray)  

      Today is selection Sunday. The day when several men's NCAA basketball teams get to complain bitterly about being denied the chance to be knocked out in the first round of March Madness. (Janice Hough)

      HOOTERS 

      It's long been known that women at Hooters aren't involved in upper level management. If a woman wanted to go to the top in this organization, what's to halter? (Gary Hallock)

      I've been hearing for several months that Hooters is test-marketing in selected locations adding some muscular men in spandex bathing suits to their staff to bring in more women and couples. May bring in some gays as well. It's hard to understand why they haven't tried this before. Women will certainly appreciate the impression they are trying to make. (Stan Kegel)

      HORSEMEAT 

      Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night. I still have a bit
      between my teeth. (Author Unknown)

      A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers
      fromTesco Her condition is said to be stable. (Author Unknown)

      I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
      d'oeuvres. (Author Unknown)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Roger Ailes says Obama is lazy.
      Dear Roger, your memory’s hazy.
      He’s vacationed way less
      Than the fellow whose mess
      He’s been fixing. You’re racist, or crazy.
      (Madeleine Begun Kane)

      Obama took twelve Republicans out to dinner this week, at a restaurant; like a date, and he picked up the tab. He put down the White House credit card. Bad news for the economy, it was denied. (Bill Maher)

      After nine years, I finally said goodbye to my chief speechwriter, Jon Favreau. I watched him grow up. He’s almost like a son to me, he’s been with me so long. And I said to him when he first informed me of his decision, I said, "Favs, you can’t leave." “And he answered with three simple words, "Yes, I can." Fortunately, he did not take the prompter on his way out. That would have been a problem. (Barach Obama)

      Now I’m sure that you’ve noticed that there’s somebody very special in my life who’s missing tonight, somebody who’s always got my back, stands with me no matter what and gives me hope no matter how dark things seem. So tonight I want to publicly thank my rock, my foundation. Thank you, Nate Silver. (Barach Obama)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Let’s face it. Hillary is a tough act to follow Frankly, though, I think it’s time for him (Secretary of State John Kerry) to stop showing up at work in pant suits. It’s a disturbing image. I don’t know where he buys them. He’s a tall guy, (Barach Obama)

      There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama's second term. Though you know it's bad when world leaders are like, "Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE CONGRESS

      A bipartisan group of eight Senators has apparently come to an agreement on a path to legal status for illegal immigrants, Meanwhile, a bipartisan group of eight members of the House is close to agreeing that the sun sets in the west. (Janice Hough)

      The Senate Judiciary Committee passed a universal background check bill to close the gun show loophole on a strict 10-8 party line vote. What is it with those in the GOP who don't think you need ID check to buy a gun, but you do need it to cast a ballot? (Janice Hough)

      Unclear on concept? Ted Cruz, trying to connect 1st and 2nd amendments, asked Dianne Feinstein if she considered it constitutional for Congress to specify that the 1st Amendment would only apply to certain books. This from a senator whose state schools still ban books? (Janice Hough)

      The decision of Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) to support same-sex marriage after learning that his son was gay has inspired hundreds of other Republican lawmakers to stop speaking to their children immediately, G.O.P. leaders confirmed today. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) agreed with his fellow G.O.P. leaders’ words of caution, adding, “Fortunately, none of my children want to talk to me.” (Andy Borowitz)  

      THE COURTS

      A judge just tossed out New York City's large sugary soda ban, a day before it was to take effect. Here we go through the appeals process. Your tax dollars at work. (Janice Hough)

      Mayor Bloomberg tried to ban giant 16-ounce sugary sodas and a judge overturned the ruling. And I said, "Thank God I don't have to drive to Canada to get my Mountain Dew anymore." (David Letterman)

      A judge overturned Mayor Bloomberg's ban on large sugary drinks. The judge made his decision after testimony from a prominent physician. I believe it was a Dr. Pepper, if I'm not mistaken. (Jay Leno)

      A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas. (Craig Ferguson)

      Wonder if the court's decision on the large sugary soda ban will last through Opening Day. Does that wreck the excuse of  "Really, honey, I didn't want all those beers, but they were the only large cold drinks I could get." (Janice Hough)

      THE MILITARY

      A study says the Iraq war has cost the U.S. more than $2 Trillion. However, it did give us some good ideas on how to be more effective when we invade Iran. (Jim Barach)

      THE STATES

      Seven Republicans in the Iowa House are pushing a bill to prohibit parents of minor children from getting a 'no fault' divorce and the proposal could be debated in a House committee this week. Representative Tedd Gassman, a Republican from Scarville, said 'In my opinion, it’s time to look out for the children instead of constantly worrying about the adults," 
      If your children are minors, watch out!
      You may have to stay wed to that lout:
      It seems no-fault divorce
      May be nixed, as of course,
      By Iowan wingnuts with clout.
      (Madeleine Begun Kane)

      Republicans in Arkansas passed the strictest abortion law ever. They say in the bill that life begins when your sister gets drunk. (Bill Maher)

      The state of North Dakota has banned abortions when a heart beat can be detected. Democrats have launched a counter measure that would allow abortions when no brain wave activity can be detected, causing concern among republicans that it could allow certain congress members to be subject to “Very Late” term abortions. (Jerry W.)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A railroad station elevator in New York was left inoperable because urination has damaged the floor. It’s so bad it has been described as a “vertical urinal”. That is compared to the subways, which are considered horizontal urinals. (Jim Barach)

      Just last year a judge in Forsyth County was caught watching the game on an iPad while he was on the bench. He would've gotten away with it if not for the fact that he kept yelling 'Shoot the three!' during a triple-homicide trial. (Dwight Perry)

      A Virginia woman has the world’s longest legs. Yesterday she was spotted at Costco buying a gallon container of Nair. (Gary Bachman)

      U.S. POLITICS & POLITICIANS

      Donald Trump said today he'll cover the costs to keep White House tours open for rest of the year. Makes sense, presume the Donald would want a sponsorship banner or sign: it's the only way he'll get his name on a door in the White House. (Janice Hough)

      Hollywood star Ashley Judd was reported set to run for the U.S. Senate in Kentucky as a Democrat next year. She has appeared nude in three movies and filmed one lesbian love scene. Usually it's the nude photos that end your career in the U.S. Senate, not launch it. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Judging from the millions Karl Rove has spent to smear Ashley Judd, her hints that she may run against Mitch McConnell in '14 has GOP honchos worried.  Even staunch Rovites concede her candidacy would carry a lot of weight among Democrats -- her pro-choice stance, her popularity in Kentucky, her sister Wynona. (Bob Mills)  

      Raise the minimum wage? Np need. A minimum wage earner in California must work about 130 hours per week in order to afford to rent a two-bedroom apartment according to The National Low Income Housing Coalition's 2013 annual report. This gives him over a day-and-a-half free time each week to do whatever he pleases. (Stan Kegel)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Taco Bell says its Doritos Tacos have created 15,000 jobs. Mostly exercise and fitness coaches to try to get the people to lose the weight from eating all those tacos. (Jim Barach)

      McDonald's announced they are dropping its fruit and walnut salad from the menu. The two people who go to McDonald's for fruit and walnuts are really upset about this. (Jay Leno)

      Bumble Bee tuna has recalled 51,000 cases because the cans may not be properly sealed. Many customers have already tossed them. So says the nurse in the ER. (Alan Ray)  

      Marissa Mayer (Yahoo CEO) reportedly came up with her directive abolishing telecommuting when she found out that employees weren't logging in at home as much as they were supposed to be. Or is it just possible they tried regularly, and often couldn't get Yahoo mail to work. (Janice Hough)

      TRANSPORTATION

      The TSA this week announced that it will now allow airline passengers to carry previously banned pocket knives, baseball bats and pool cues on planes. And no one’s happier than Honkytonk Bar Fight Airlines. (Seth Meyers)

      Hey TSA: I fly every week. Trust me, these people need deodorant, mouth wash and shampoo more than knives and baseball bats. (Neil Berliner)

      A Gambian woman gave birth on a flight from South Africa to New York. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. All carry-ons must be stowed in the seat in front of you or in the overhead bin. (Alan Ray)  

      Boeing 787 Dreamliner lithium battery fixes are on the way. The company is working around the clock to breed as many Eveready Energizer rabbits as needed. (TC Chong)

      A Greyhound bus bound for NYC had to pull over and be evacuated because it was infested with roaches. This is the most roaches found on a bus since last year when police pulled over Willie Nelson's tour bus. (Gary Bachman)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A Montana man pled guilty to waterboarding four kids. The kids did, however, give up the name of their friend who was stealing lunch money and giving wedgies. (Gary Bachman)

      Clearly don't know all the details of the Steubenville, Ohio, rape case, where the question appears to be if a 16 year old girl was too drunk last August to give consent to sex with two high school football players. But seems like if they weren't football players, the two would have made a plea bargain and already been in jail? (Janice Hough)

      CIVIL RIGHTS 

      I am a heterosexual guy in a tough macho sport, which is exactly the reason I feel a duty to say I support gay marriage and gay rights. What people overlook is that is isn't a sex issue, its a love issue. There's no justifiable reason for trying to get in the way of two people who love each other. (Former UFC light heavyweight boxing champion Rashad Evans

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman. (Jay Leno)

      Oops, apparently they waited too long to embalm Hugo Chavez's body, and acting Venezuela president Nicolas Maduro said the process now might be 'quite difficult'. Waiting to see how they decide this is the U.S.'s fault. (Janice Hough)

      We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president -- and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth. (Jay Leno

      GREAT BRITAIN

      In England, gas is $10 a gallon. In fact, gas is so high in England that people have stopped eating horses and started riding them again. (Jay Leno)

      EUROPE

      Marriott is going to partner with Ikea for a budget brand in Europe, which will be known as Moxy Hotels. Guess we can expect Moxy to put a whole new spin on the concept of making your own bed. (Janice Hough)

      AFRICA

      One of Oscar Pistorius's friends said the South African track star is on the verge of suicide. It really worries me. Who knew shooting your girlfriend could be stressful. (Janice Hough)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie "Shrek." (Craig Ferguson)

      According to reports, Saudi Arabia is considering dropping public beheadings because of a shortage of government swordsmen. You don't want amateurs to cut people's heads off because that could be barbaric. (Jay Leno)

      THE FAR EAST

      North Korea this week announced they are sick of our sh*t and thermo-nuclear war is on. Which made everyone think ‘What the f*** did Dennis Rodman say? (Bill Maher)

      It was announced that China is opening its own Disneyland, which Disney says will be both "authentically Disney and distinctly Chinese." Which explains why the parents of Huey, Duey, and Louie had to pick just one. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Four Seasons in Hong Kong has a Club Level package for three nights that covers garment pressing -- with the note 'Up To Six Garments Per Day'. (Janice Hough)

      SCIENCE

      Scientists have found caffeine-laced nectar improves honeybees' memory for up to three days. It also gives them a buzz. (RJ Currie)

      A study shows that being pregnant with a girl will increase a woman’s breast size by almost an inch more than being pregnant with a boy. Thank heaven for little girls. (Terry Etter)

      According to marine biologists, many sharks take a break each spring to focus on eating, having sex and swimming in warm water. If we're talking San Jose Sharks, you can add golf. (RJ Currie) 

      HEALTH

      Google glasses are the next stage in the evolution of eyewear. Wear these and record everything you see. It's like you have a memory! (Craig Ferguson)

      An 18-year-old girl who went to the hospital because of a car crash found out she has cancer. The insurance company said since it was a pre-existing condition, they didn't have to pay. "Corporations are people too my friend." (Bill Williams)


      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      Daylight Savings Time has begun. The most profound effect is always on youth sports teams. An extra hour of sunlight each day gives parents more opportunities to bicker. (Alan Ray)  

      Japanese tsunami debris has been discovered washed up on the Hawaiian Islands this week. This is not to be confused with former MLB player Manny Ramirez who will be washed up in Taiwan in under 2 weeks. (TC Chong)

      A golfer is glad to be alive after he was rescued when a sinkhole opened up beneath him Friday on a Illinois golf course. Does this make him golf's first lucky one-in-hole? (Janice Hough)

      A golfer was swallowed by a sinkhole in Illinois. After he was rescued from the 18ft hole by a rope, he proceeded to take a free drop under the 'Ground Under Repair' rule. (TC Chong)

      SPORTS

      BASKETBALL

      The 'Catholic 7' said they will announced new members for their new basketball conference in 7-10 days. So will they announce their choices with white or black smoke? (Janice Hough)

      Silver lining for Lakers fans. If the team doesn't make the playoffs now, for all eternity you can say that they would have been World Champions if not for Kobe's injury. (Janice Hough)

      There are subtle signs. In a game last week Howard blocked five shots. Three of 'em were Kobe's. (Brad Dickson)

      BASEBALL

      The exhibition season continues in the MLB. Teams use these games to work on the squeeze. And that's just at the ticket window. (Alan Ray)  

      The Nationals named Stephen Strasburg their opening-day starter. However, in order to preserve his arm, he will be limited to throwing out the ceremonial first pitch. (Norman Chad)

      ESPN baseball announcer Doug Glanville compared the New York Yankees to 'Brokeback Mountain'. In Glanville's defense, they do enjoy playing with 'A-Rod'. (Gary Bachman)

      The Yankees are so desperate for temporary help due to all their injuries that they've reportedly talked to retired players Derrek Lee and Scott Rolen, and they're even interested in Chipper Jones. "Hey, I'm available," chimed in Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

      The World Baseball Classic continues. How is the terminology different among Cuban players? "That one’s outta here" refers to a defector. (Alan Ray)  

      In the Canada/Mexico basebrawl game in Phoenix, Canadian coach Larry Walker was hit with water bottle and a ball thrown from the stands. Security ejected these two fans. They were met outside by Arizona Diamondback scouts who immediately signed them to minor league pitching contracts. (TC Chong)    

      FOOTBALL

      The NCAA has announced their new college football championship tournament will not have a sponsor. Translation: no one's yet offered enough money. (Janice Hough)

      The San Antonio Express calls the Dallas Cowboys "the Kardashians of the NFL - with no discernible talent, famous for being famous." Not to mention a lot of dated athletes. (RJ Currie)

      The NFL is considering abandoning the tuck rule. And from the great beyond, some hear Al Davis's voice yelling, "So where are our retroactive 2002 Super Bowl Rings?" (Janice Hough)</

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