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Weakly Humerus News 03-10-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-10-13 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Daylight Savings Time is March 10. Some people like it a lot. But night owls won t
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 10, 2013

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-10-13


      Daylight Savings Time is March 10. Some people like it a lot. But night owls won't give a hoot. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Queen Elizabeth spent the weekend in the hospital being treated for gastroenteritis, a stomach infection. Her Majesty still did what she gets paid for, sitting on the throne. (TC Chong  

      The NRA will be sponsoring a NASCAR race in Texas. Unlike other NASCAR races, all turns will be to the right. (Gary Bachman)    

      A church in Phoenix is offering drive-thru prayers. Typical! Things were going great until some pervert drove up and asked, "Can I have friars with that?"  (Bill Williams)

      A JetBlue plane was taken out of service after it was clipped by an Air India jet this morning at JFK. Geez you'd think the one thing an Air India flight could do properly would be the taxi. (Nick Coombs)

      It's hard to say what's causing Yankees GM Brian Cashman more pain: his broken leg or his dislocated batting order? (RJ Currie) 

      TSA announced that passengers will be able to carry sporting equipment including golf clubs and souvenir baseball bats onto planes next month. Members of the 2013 NY Yankees will even be able to carry full-sized bats, because TSA doesn't think they will hit anything. (Janice Hough)  

      GOP former governor Jeb Bush hinted in an NBC interview Sunday he might run for president in three years. Both parties are tired of holding elections. The Democrats want Obama to be the president forever and the Republicans want a hereditary monarchy. (Alex Kaseberg)

       People were shocked when a Texas sperm donor sued the bank for causing his deposit to reach the wrong girl.  Happens quite frequently actually, but usually the girl is your ex-wife who got the house, the car, and custody of the kid. (Bob Mills)

      Muscle & Fitness magazine appointed Arnold Schwarzenegger as executive editor. Apparently he was turned down at Good Housekeeping. (Jim Barach)  

      A Florida couple admits to being addicted to coffee enemas; and they are not welcomed back at their local Starbucks either. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Pat Robertson was asked whether people who buy clothes at Goodwill can inherit evil spirits lurking within the fabric.  He assured the questioner that the only way clothes can bring hell's eternal damnation is if the buyer falls into the Gap. (Bob Mills)

      Lawmakers in Hawaii passed a new law called the Steven Tyler Act. Basically the law gives men the right to gradually morph into old women. (Conan O'Brien)

      So now Jeb Bush is making noises about running for President in 2016, which means he may well face off against Hillary.. Isn't it great we Americans don't live in a banana republic where power is concentrated in the hands of a few families? (Janice Hough)  

      Vatican City officials welcomed all the Cardinals to Rome Monday as they prepared to elect a new pope. Imagine one hundred fifty-seven men in one conclave who have never had sex. It breaks the record held by San Diego's Star Trek convention ten years ago. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Police in Oklahoma found a loaded gun hidden in a woman’s private parts. Apparently if she is with a man who is shooting blanks, she wants to let him know that she isn’t. That gave a whole new meaning to the term “trap shooting”. (Jim Barach)  


      Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester — when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you're someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, this is a tough weekend. (Jimmy Fallon)

      T-Shirt: I survived the sequester and all I got was this lousy 2nd recession. (Warren Holstein)

      President Obama warned Thursday that the automatic budget cuts scheduled Friday will result in delayed flights and long lines at airport security. It could affect public safety. The cuts could reduce the TSA inspectors to groping just one breast and one testicle. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The U.S. Navy announced Monday it'll stop halting drug shipments headed for the U.S. due to the sequestration cuts. The day before, the IRS said it'll lay off collection agents. They're going to have to do better than this if they want Americans to agree to higher taxes. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Sequester? What sequester? Think the problem right now is the country is going through a particularly nasty bout of 'fiscal crisis fatigue'. (Will Durst)

      Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis filed for bankruptcy protection on Friday. The sequester budget cuts had bave barely taken effect yet and already Girls Gone Wild is gone, people are disappearing into sinkholes and the pope is out of a job. This thing is real. (Alex Kaseberg)

      President Obama blamed Republicans for the budget cuts Friday while Republicans blamed Democrats for trying to hike taxes. It's all perspective. What Democrats see as a cut in water and sewage services, Republicans see as a chance to go on a Carnival Cruise. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Obama keeps talking about the dire consequences of sequester budget cuts, for example, he may have to cut down to only playing 18 holes of golf on some days. (Steve Yeich)

      President Obama blamed Republicans for the budget cuts Friday while Republicans blamed Democrats for trying to hike taxes. It's all perspective. What Democrats see as a cut in water and sewage services, Republicans see as a chance to go on a Carnival Cruise. (Alex Kaseberg)


      A proposed bill in Florida would require those buying ammunition to first complete an anger management class.  However, if you plan on killing someone & dumping the body you also have to take the waste management class. (Ken Burmeister)

      A police dog in Massachusetts accidentally fired a gun it found during a search. The gun was described as a K-9 millimeter. (Jim Barach)  

      Denied the use of a $1 internet coupon, a woman at a Walmart allegedly pulled out a handgun and threatened employees. Then she fought with arresting officers. She is now in jail. The state? Of course. Flori-duh. If Walmart employees decide to arm themselves do they get an employee discount on their personal guns?  Just wondering? (Janice Hough)  

      Joe Biden advised women who suspect an intruder to fire their shotguns through the front door. Be sure it's an intruder. You don't want to spend the rest of the night picking through the pizza you ordered guessing what's pepper and what's buckshot. (Alex Kaseberg)


      Pope Benedict officially resigned on Thursday night, after eight years as Pontiff -- revealing an incredible case of hat hair. (Seth Meyers)

      In his final speech before resigning, Pope Benedict said that he is not abandoning the Catholic Church. Like most Catholics, he'll be back for Christmas and Easter. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of "Dancing With the Stars." (Conan O'Brien)

      Cardinals are gathering in Rome to select a new pope. Here's hoping they have better luck picking a leader than Arizona's Cardinals, who can't seem to find a good quarterback. (Ian Hamilton)

      Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the next Pope. You can watch the whole process on "Vatican's Got Talent." (Conan O'Brien)

      The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It's like a "Star Trek" convention but less celibate. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Cardinals will start voting in Rome Tuesday to elect a new Pope.   The Vatican has announced that no Cardinal over the age of 80 will be allowed to vote. Guess this is the Church's idea of a youth movement? (Janice Hough)  

      A UK Cardinal has apologized for his sexual conduct which he says “fell below the standards of the Church.” Isn’t all sex by the clergy pretty much below the standards of the Church? (Jim Barach)  

      I don't have a lot of hope for the new Pope. The Cardinals are kind of like Republicans. They always say they want a fresh, new face and they end up picking a creepy old weirdo. (Bill Maher)  

      The sequester budget cuts were the reason the Pope retired.  He was offered an early retirement buyout (as opposed to dying on the job) and a gold plated Pope hat and he couldn't resist that. (Steve Yeich)

      Pope Benedict left the Vatican by helicopter Thursday causing commentators to note that Benedict has a helicopter pilot's license but not a driver's license. He can fly but he cannot drive. You know there's such a thing as wanting to be like Jesus and taking it too far. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Castel Gandolfo in Italy was the first stop for former Pope Benedict when he retired last week. He plans to stay mobile. He has a helicopter pilot's license but luckily not a marriage license, when means he can ascend to heaven without first descending into hell. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The top choice to be the new Pope could be a Canadian. If elected Pope, his first act is to grant sainthood to Wayne Gretzky. (Conan O'Brien)

      Now that it's been announced that former Pope John Ratzinger will no longer wear his trademark red shoes, someone has to explain how I'm supposed to know who's tapping at me from the next stall? (Bill Maher)  

      After officially leaving the papacy on Thursday, Pope Benedict flew on a helicopter to Castel Gandolfo, where he will spend the next few months, I’m guessing, trying to kill James Bond? (Seth Meyers)

      The activities of the Pope on his first day of retirement included shopping for some clothing that don't resemble an expensive bathrobe, scheduling a vacation to Disneyland and finding a couple of nice Catholic hookers to spend the night with so he could hear their confessions. (Steve Yeich)


      It may be a coincidence, but ever since President Obama has gotten more comfortable with the use of weaponized drones, Paul Ryan, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell and Eric Cantor have been having a tough time getting a 5th person to ride to work with them in their car pool. (Jerry W.)   

      From an Feb 2013 op-ed in the Washington Times about "my plan for comprehensive reform." "Border security, including drones, satellite and physical barriers, vigilant deportation of criminals and increased patrols would begin immediately." The author? Rand Paul. (Janice Hough)  

      Regarding this pissing match about hypothetical drones between Eric Holder and Rand Paul, here's a hypothetical question: If an American citizen stole a 757 jet, and announced in midair he was flying it to recreate 9-11 with another U.S. skyscraper, does the President have the authority to order the military to use a drone to shoot him down? (Janice Hough)  

      In a possible setback for the Administration's controversial drone policy, a new poll conducted by the University of Minnesota shows that a broad majority of Americans are opposed to being killed by a drone strike on U. S. soil. The poll, which has a margin of error of plus or minus five percentage points, showed that ninety-seven per cent of those surveyed "strongly agreed" with the statement, "I personally do not want to be killed by a drone," with three per cent responding, "Don't know/No opinion." (Andy Borowitz)

      If President Obama wants bipartisan agreement maybe he could just send a drone to at least temporarily silence Nicki Minaj? (Janice Hough)    


      TSA is now allowing knives on airplanes. TSA, however, will still give a full cavity search to anyone caught bringing 4oz of sunblock on plane    (Erik Bransteen)

      An TSA undercover agent with a fake explosive device in his pants made it through two security checkpoints, including a pat-down, at Newark airport last month. On the other hand, security did find hundreds of four ounce shampoo bottles. (Janice Hough)  

      BREAKING: NRA demands TSA allow small guns to defend against small knives. (Warren Holstein)

      The TSA says they will start allowing passengers to carry small knives onto planes. That makes sense. Apparently they are still more worried about what you might be carrying in your shoe or that bottle with more than three ounces of liquid than something harmless like a knife. (Jim Barach)  

      Under fire from flight attendants and others, the Transportation Safety Administration's new rules allowing air passengers to carry small knives, baseball bats, golf clubs, and other sporting goods onto airplanes got a vote of confidence today from the National Arbitrariness Association. "We love that the list appears to have been put together with no organizing principle or logical system," said N. A.A. executive director Carol Foyler. "It combines the virtues of making no sense and being impossible to remember. Knives, bats, golf clubs, billiard cues—it's like they made this list using refrigerator-poetry magnets." John S. Pistole, the administrator of the T. S.A., denied that the list of approved items was arbitrary, telling reporters, "This agency is committed to redoubling our efforts in the war on water." Mr. Pistole said that thanks to the ban on bottled water, the T. S.A. had foiled over seven hundred Evian-based terror plots last year alone. (Andy Borowitz)

      WTF moment. TSA now says bringing 3.5 ounces or more of liquids through security is still forbidden, but small knives including box cutters are okay. Although we have never actually had terrorists use liquids on planes. (Janice Hough)  

      The U.S. Transportation Security Administration announced that for the first time since 2001, passengers will be allowed to carry pocketknives onto airplanes. That's interesting because we do not allow any studio audience member on my show to have a pocket knife. Harry the engineer, who also is my security chief, frisks everyone who comes into the studio. (Rich Hancock)  


      Horsemeat has been found in Ikea's Swedish meatballs. I suspect it's the work of the Galloping Gourmet. (RJ Currie) 

      Last week horsemeat was covered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store. (Conan O'Brien)

      This horsemeat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn't happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn't quite pin a tail on it. (Jay Leno)

      In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog. (Jay Leno)

      Waking from the worst fast food company's nightmare, traces of horsemeat have been found in Taco Bell's tacos. The discovery was made by pure luck when someone noticed that customers who regularly ordered tacos often requested a cube of sugar with them. (Bob Mills)

      Horsemeat was found in some products at Taco Bell. Which explains Taco Bell's new slogan, 'You can lead a horse to Taco Bell. We will take it from there'. (Conan O'Brien)

      Taco Bell admitted Friday that there's horsemeat in its food. The FDA got suspicious last week when Lance Armstrong ran in the Ft. Worth Marathon and beat Secretariat's time in the first mile-and-a-quarter. Sure enough, he's tested positive for Burrito Supreme. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Horse meat was found in some products at Taco Bell. Which explains Taco Bell's new slogan, 'Gallup to the border!' (Tim Hunter)



      Dennis Rodman meets North Korean leader Kim Jung-un. The headline should read – The Big Worm meets The Little Worm. (TC Chong)

      Locals were brimming with tears when Dennis Rodman boarded the plane home from his basketball junket to Pyongyang. They were proud that Rodman had just been given North Korea's highest honor: permission to leave. (Argus Hamilton)

      Just days after Dennis Rodman returned home from North Korea professing peace overtures from supreme leader Kim Jong Un, state media there issued a 'thermonuclear war threat against the U.S. So, the next time you hear 'Chamberlain' in the same sentence with Rodman, think Neville, not Wilt. (Dwight Perry)

      North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the question, what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there? (Conan O'Brien)

      Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran's nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen. (Conan O'Brien)

      The show (Celebrity Apprentice) has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life. But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      President Obama said this week that after four years as president, "you realize all the mistakes you've made." so apparently he DOES watch Fox News. (Jay Leno)

      All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don't worry, there's another way get into the White House if you don't belong. Fake your birth certificate.  (Craig Ferguson)

      Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, "Now I'll never see it." (Conan O'Brien)

      If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it's going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left. (Stephen Colbert)

      Israeli TV claims that President Obama will present a “general framework” for peace in the Middle East. Apparently the President figures if he can solve that problem, then he could tackle something really hard like achieving peace in Congress. (Jim Barach)  

      White House press secretary Jay Carney denied Monday that donors can meet with President Obama for five hundred grand. He said any notion that there is a set price to meet with the president is just wrong. In other words, no reasonable offer will be refused. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Barack Obama took 12 GOP senators out to dinner last night and personally picked up the tab. Waiting for Ted Cruz to demand the President's impeachment for attempted bribery. (Janice Hough)  .

      President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said "Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend." (Conan O'Brien)


      Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today, he's already off to a bad start. He's going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they're coming on a Carnival cruise. (David Letterman)

      Biggest problem lurking for Obama's newest Cabinet member, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew, appears to be his signature that will appear on U.S. currency. It looks like a doctor's prescription -- just a series of zeros in a long line. Which is perfect. That's just about what U.S. currency is worth these days. (Bob Mills)

      The Senate has confirmed John Brennan to lead the CIA. Following the hearing, the intelligence community said they would continue to use waterboarding but listening to Rand Paul for more than a few minutes would definitely be considered torture. (Jim Barach)  


      Members of Congress left for early weekends today starting at 1pm, despite the much vaunted storm only bringing an inch of snow. So for the remainder of the week, sounds like as much will be accomplished in Washington as usual. (Janice Hough)  

      Rand Paul, R-Ky., talked for nearly 13 hours straight in a Senate filibuster Wednesday night. Big deal. ESPN's Mel Kiper Jr. once went 15 ½ hours breaking down the latest crop of NFL deep-snappers. (Dwight Perry)

      Leaving aside our potential differences on Rand Paul's politics, can we at least agree that the man knows the right way to do a filibuster? (Janice Hough)    

      Rand Paul decided to have a real filibuster against President Obama's nominee for head of the CIA. So far he's been speaking about twelve hours. Let's hope Joe Biden doesn't take this as a challenge. (Janice Hough)  

      The answer to "Have you no shame?" is sometimes "Yes." After President Obama signed the 'Violence Against Women Act'. Sen. John Cornyn of Texas released a statement titled, 'Cornyn Bill to Eliminate Nationwide Rape Kit Backlog Signed Into Law'. Now 'Cornyn's Sexual Assault Forensic Evidence Reporting (SAFER) Act' was rolled into the 'VAWA bill'. Except Cornyn voted against it. (Janice Hough)  


      At the Supreme Court today, Justice Antonin Scalia told his fellow Justices how privileged he felt to serve on the highest court in the land, adding, "I can say stuff here that got me fired at Kinko's." According to Justice Scalia, "The gal in Human Resources told me, 'Nino, you can't just go around insulting blacks and women and whatnot. There's not a workplace in the country that will tolerate that.' Well, guess what? She was right—until I got this job. (Andy Borowitz)


      In his first interview since losing the election, Mitt Romney says it kills him to not be in the White House. He said he'll always think of it as the one house he couldn't buy. (Conan O'Brien)

      The big scandal is that CPAC did not invite the one most popular Republican in the country, Chris Christie, because apparently they're mad at him because during Hurricane Sandy, he hugged Obama. In their world, you're only allowed to touch a black person if he handed you a 7-wood and you shot a hole in one." (Bill Maher)

      They didn't invite Chris Christie, but they did invite Rick Perry and Sarah Palin – to answer the question, "What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?" (Bill Maher)  

      Sarah Palin is getting ready for the big CPAC thing by writing words on her hand like 'Obama bad. No like.' And Rick Perry is getting ready by writing 'Rick Perry'. (Bill Maher)  

      Jeb Bush says he won’t rule out a run for the White House in 2016. Apparently the Bush family is intent on trying until they finally get it right. (Jim Barach)  

      Jeb Bush said Monday, and in his new book, that he opposes a pathway to citizenship for undocumented immigrants. Tuesday Jeb said he would endorse such a pathway if it did not incentivize illegal immigration. Adding "We wrote this book last year, not this year." Even Mitt Romney said "That was fast." (Janice Hough)  

      Jeb Bush hinted on NBC he may run for president Sunday while promoting his book Immigration Wars. It's never wise to count him out. Jeb Bush has tremendous name recognition, and if he can overcome that, he's got a real chance of being the next president. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Disgraced Congressman Bob Ney rips John Boehner in his new book, saying that Boehner lied to him about helping him out. How bad is it when a felonious former politician calls you out for your lack of character? (Jim Barach)  


       Florida residents have been stunned by a recent series of sinkholes that somehow manage to swallow up not only human beings but valuable properties due to unstable earth conditions. In California, the closest thing we have to a sinkhole is NBC. (Bob Mills)

      The Montana House approved a bill that would allow motorists to legally eat any roadkill they hit with their vehicles. Sounds good on paper -- until some poor sap gets nailed for driving without a hunting license. (Dwight Perry)

      Recently, Montana made it legal for people to take road kill for food.  In a related story, Taco Bell announced that the state of Montana has become its main supplier of meat. (Steve Yeich)

      Fearing a U.S. financial collapse, the state of Virginia may issue its own currency.  They figure they can save on minting costs, too.  Already they're buying up old Las Vegas slot machine tokens.  Okay, so the have a portrait of Wayne Newton, but still. (Bob Mills)

      They just passed something in Hawaii called the Steven Tyler Act. It's a sweeping piece of legislation that says you must wear a scarf at all times. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Actually it's designed to protect celebrities from paparazzi by making it illegal to take unwanted pictures or video of them in private to sell for profit. No offense, but isn't every photo of Steven Tyler an unwanted photo? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Doesn't the Steven Tyler Act sound like something we would create to protect ourselves from Steven Tyler? (Jimmy Kimmel)


      A guy in Texas claims a sperm bank gave his sperm to the wrong girl. That sort of thing can happen when you make your deposit at the ATM. (Bill Williams)

      Los Angeles is boasting that it's the first major city in the country to coordinate their traffic signals. Has nothing to do with safety, though.  The TV networks paid for the synchronization to keep ratings up for those high-speed chases that no one can seem to tear themselves away from. (Bob Mills)

      San Diego may soon permit medical marijuana sales from vending machines. Assume next to the Doritos machines? (Janice Hough)  

      San Diego police believe burglars stole a jukebox from a Hooters restaurant thinking it was a cash machine. So in this case, crime does play. (RJ Currie) 

      A judge in New Mexico has resigned after being caught sexting during court proceedings. Apparently people became suspicious when they noticed he was wearing his robe up around his neck. (Jim Barach)  

      A Washington woman is accused of using her breasts to smother her boyfriend. In related news, SI Swimsuit model Kate Upton takes my breath away. (RJ Currie) 

      A Lego toy spill backed up traffic for more than an hour. Traffic was literally backed up for blocks. (Jim Barach)  

      There are unconfirmed reports of a minor collision in downtown Los Angeles. Word is a transit driver lost control of his bus after Dwight Howard threw his ex-Magic teammates under it. (RJ Currie) 

      t's been almost a decade since we've had a new mayor. It's starting to seem like the mayor of Los Angeles was one of those jobs for life. Like Supreme Court judge, or host of 'The Tonight Show'. One candidate is named Kevin James. Not the actor. This Kevin James is a former lawyer. And a gay Republican. Kevin James the actor and Kevin James the politician are very different, of course. One is the king of queens. And the other, well.  (Craig Ferguson)

      A Massachusetts woman was delivered seven pounds of marijuana sent to the wrong address by FedEx. She thought the pot was gift-box potpourri sent for her teenage daughter's birthday. Every high school in Boston just elected her the mom we wish we had. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Ah nanny states. So starting this week in New York, due to the new surgary soda rule you won't be able to order a pitcher of Coca Cola when you go out with friends. But you will be able to order a pitcher of beer or margaritas. (Janice Hough)  

      A Connecticut Dunkin’ Donuts worker stopped a robbery by throwing hot coffee at the thief. However, Starbucks is telling its employees not to throw coffee at robbers because a cup of Starbucks costs more than what is usually in the till. (Jim Barach)  

      Cook County Supervisors added an extra one-dollar tax on cigarettes Friday, making cigarettes eleven dollars a pack in Chicago. The world has officially gone mad. Leave it to Democrats to tax cigarettes until they're so expensive it makes crack cost-effective. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Mayor Bloomberg's next campaign is to warn young people that listening to loud music on their iPods with earbuds could result in hearing loss. On the other hand, if kids use the earbuds in traffic, it does increase the chance of a Darwin award to remove them from the gene pool. (Janice Hough)  


      A Connecticut Dunkin’ Donuts worker stopped a robbery by throwing hot coffee at the thief. Although police say if the robber had been injured, they would have had grounds for a lawsuit. (Jim Barach)  

      IKEA plans to open 50 budget hotels across Europe over the next 5 years. They promise very comfortable beds. However, you'll first have to build them. (Tim Hunter)

      Apple has lost the title of the world’s most valuable company to ExxonMobil. The problem is that Apple can’t just increase the price of its iPads or iPhones as much as it wants every time it needs to make some extra cash. (Jim Barach)  

      The U.S. Postal Service is now selling a line of their clothing. I ordered one of the jackets and it got lost in the mail. (RJ Currie) 

      Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving." (Conan O'Brien)

      An Oregon lady has invented a 'bib' that you hang around the neck of a cat. It prevents the feline from killing birds. The idea was stolen from housewives, who tie a ball and chain to their husbands when they’re off to the bar to watch the game. This effectively prevents them from chasing pussys. (TC Chong)

      Wrangler is coming out with a pair of jeans that claims to fight cellulite as you wear them. Finally a pair of jeans your boyfriend can say you look fat in, but not for long. (Conan O'Brien)

      Wineries are putting their efforts into targeting younger drinkers. Although you know they are aiming too low when they advertise Cocoa Puffs as being perfect with a Merlot. (Jim Barach)  

      Taco Bell is coming out with a new Cool Ranch Doritos Loco Taco, which uses a shell that is basically just a giant Cool Ranch Dorito. For all those who think the chain's regular offerings just don't have enough artificial flavorings and salt. (Janice Hough)  

      Taco Bell just opened a new restaurant in suburban St. Louis and now two of the Clydesdales are missing. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The CEO of Yahoo says employees can’t work at home anymore. Those lucky sods! Now they’ve got a reason to leave the toilet seat up and not take out the garbage. (Alan Ray)  

      New Math?  Got to love it, on the nutritional information label of a 'Safeway Select' package of appetizers, it says "Serving size - 5, Servings per container - About 2." Number of appetizers listed on the package, and actually in the container - 8. (Janice Hough)  

      Marshmallow Peeps are celebrating their 60th anniversary this year. And some of the original products from 1953 no doubt taste as fresh as the day they were made. (Janice Hough)  


      Lamborghini has unveiled a new model - the 'Veneno'. It'll cost you $4-million. Might as well have named it the 'No-Friggin'-Way'. (Tim Hunter)

      Lamborghini has unveiled its $3.9 Million supercar. It costs an even $4 Million if the buyer wants it to come with a full tank of gas. (Jim Barach)  

      Ford, Chrysler and GM reported a big gain in car sales in February. They said it's due to an improving real estate market. Americans who lived in abandoned Fords for the last four years have moved up in the world, and now they are living in abandoned Lincolns. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A study commissioned by Meet at the airport dot com found that Orlando's International Airport lounge is the most fertile ground for those seeking to hook up.  In the study, 64% of the participants scored while the remaining 36% were approached by, and became, a Hari Krishna. (Bob Mills)

      A report says that the average car title loan is $950 and it costs an average of $2,140 to pay it back. Even the people at Countrywide Mortgage are saying they got into the wrong business. (Jim Barach)  

      The FAA reported no major flight delays Monday as the threatened apocalypse from budget cuts never happened. They may have scared everybody away from traveling. It was so slow at L.A. Airport that TSA agents were gripping grapefruits just to stay in practice. (Alex Kaseberg)


      The contestant that won Miss Congeniality at the Miss Coastal Vancouver pageant pleaded guilty to rioting after the Stanley Cup finals. A pretty good indication hockey fans can be wild: A woman in a Miss Congeniality sash is helping overturn a police car. (Brad Dickson)

      In New Jersey a man was arrested after police found 100 bags of heroin in his anus.  That's how fat Americans are getting that they can put 100 bags of anything in their asses. (Steve Yeich)


      Homeland Security released two thousand illegal aliens into the Arizona countryside Friday. It was riders-up in Scottsdale. Ever since fox hunting was banned in the Western world six years ago they've had nothing to chase down and trap except delinquent tenants. (Alex Kaseberg)


      I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends'? Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery ille

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