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Weakly Humerus News 03-03-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-03-13 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK President Obama said this week that after four years as president, You realize
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-03-13
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      President Obama said this week that after four years as president, "You realize all the mistakes you've made." So apparently he does watch Fox News. (Jay Leno)

      Automatic budget cuts could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival Cruise. (Conan O'Brien)  

      Scientists say that Mars may still be inhabitable today. After all, look at how many people are still living in New Jersey. (Jim Barach)   

      A church in Phoenix is offering drive-thru prayers. Typical! Things were going great until some pervert drove up and asked, “Can I have friars with that?” (Bill Williams)  

      A survey says that federal employees report low morale. As opposed to their bosses in Congress, who suffer from low morals. (Jim Barach)

      Sales of the Nook e-reader has suffered since Apple introduced the iPad Mini even though the e-books of the competition can be obtained on the Nook. Mostly women read on the Nook while men can pursue other content on the iPad mini. They should consider making the Nook a bit smaller, and exploiting its common e-reader characteristics. That way I figure most guys will be excited about getting a little Nook-e. (Gary Reeves)

      Patricia Krentcil, the 'Tanning Mom', will not face charges for putting her five-year-old in a tanning bed. She really got lucky -- I thought for sure she was toast. (Gary Bachman)  

      You learn something every day. All this time, I thought 'Sequestration' was the act of cutting off the sequins off of Elton John. (Tim Hunter)

      The current Catholic Church is popeless. (Leonard Nash)

      An accused doctor at Johns Hopkins killed himself with helium.  God reportedly tried to send him to hell, but he wouldn't stay down. (Alex Shubert)

      Horsemeat: No wonder Europe has so many neigh-sayers. (Terry Etter)

      Kim Kardashian told Cosmopolitan if she was a man she'd have sex with herself. Which is pretty much what her ex, Kris Humphries, has been telling her to do. (RJ Currie)

      Researchers in Germany now say that human longevity has improved so rapidly over the past century that 72 is the new 30. That is bad news for parents. You'll never get the kids out of the house now. "Dad, I'm only 50. That's, like, 17." (Jay Leno)

      I saw a billboard that said, "If you know someone who is suicidal, tell them to hang in there." It was an ad for a rope company. (Jonny P, Good)

      Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, who has been a supporter of gay rights, said that the NFL will have its first openly gay player by 2014. Vegas has already made any Tight End player a 1-5 favorite. (TC Chong) (Bob Nelson says his money is on a wide receiver)

      Some guys are leg men, some guys are breast men, but I look at women as a whole. (Paul Benoit)

      Guido, one of the Milwaukee Brewers' racing sausages that went missing, has been found. This comes as a relief to his fellow mascots, who feared for the wurst. (RJ Currie)

      THE SEQUESTER

      What¹s the key to the GOP brand?
      Budget cuts that our land can't withstand.
      So it's laughably lame
      That they're trying to claim
      The sequester's Obama¹s scheme grand.
      (Madeleine Begun Kane)

      We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90 minutes -- or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure. (Conan O'Brien)

      Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester -- when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you're someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, this is a tough weekend. (Jimmy Fallon)

      In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico. (Jay Leno)

      Minutes after telling the United States Senate to "get off their ass" to avoid the deep spending cuts that will take effect this Friday, House Speaker John Boehner called an impromptu press conference to announce his intention of remaining on his ass "for the foreseeable future." "The United States Senate is showing contempt for the American people by refusing to get off their ass," a defiant Mr. Boehner told reporters. "And the only fitting way for me to protest their reckless behavior is by remaining on my ass for as long as humanly possible."Mr. Boehner's words drew a strong rebuke from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who said that Mr. Boehner's suggestion that the Senate get off their ass while he remained on his "seems like the height of hypocrisy, ass-wise." (Andy Borowitz)

      President Obama is warning that the sequester, an $85 billion package of spending cuts, will have bad consequences. The biggest consequence he fears is that the people who he gives out all the freebies to will stop supporting him. (Steve Yeich)

      The White House warned of fewer public hospital procedures if sequester cuts kick in Friday cutting the budget. Don't buy it. They warned it could reduce the number of breast exams and prostate exams but don't worry, they'll still be free at the nearest airport. (Argus Hamilton)

      The spending cuts mandated by the sequester may hamper the United States's ability to invade countries for absolutely no reason, a Pentagon spokesman warned today." Historically, the United States has stood ready and able to throw billions of dollars at a military campaign with no clear rationale or well-defined objective," said spokesman Harland Dorrinson. "Our capacity to wage war willy-nilly is now in jeopardy." In the past, Mr. Dorrinson said, the Pentagon has had the resources to fight three meaningless and completely random wars at any given time, "but now in our planning meetings we are cutting that number back to two." The cuts are already being felt in a tangible way at the Pentagon, which today cancelled an order for a nine-thousand-dollar pen. (Andy Borowitz)

      House Speaker John Boehner says there is 'no plan' to replace the sequester. That is no surprise. 'No plan' is exactly how Washington has handled Iraq, the environment and the economy. (Jim Barach)

      POPE BENEDICT

      Papal commentators say Benedict looks old, there's very little vigor there. This was also overheard at New York Yankees spring training. (Torben Rolfsen)

      The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that "the lord seemed to be asleep." When asked for comment the Lord said, "You try staying awake through a Latin mass." (Conan O'Brien)

      On second thought, maybe 'Won't Get Fooled Again'' wasn't really the best choice for the Pope's exit music. (Warren Holstein) 

      My question is this: Did the pope really step down voluntarily, or did Dwight Howard get him fired? (Mike Bianchi)

      Today was Pope Benedict's last day at work. Don't be sad. All the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee's. (Conan O'Brien)

      Pope Benedict XVI is just plain old Joseph Ratzinger again. But he still gets to live at the Vatican, which has to take some of the sting out of being fallible again. (Will Durst)

      In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and Simon Cowell. He'll say, "Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You're not going to the Vatican." (Craig Ferguson)

      The Pope will keep the names Benedict and 'His Holiness' once he retires, because 'Protector of Pedophiles' has been reserved for Ted Nugent. (Lee Mays)

      In his final speech before resigning, Pope Benedict said that he is not abandoning the Catholic Church. Like most Catholics, he'll be back for Christmas and Easter. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k). (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The former Pontiff says he looks forward to spending the rest of his days rooting for the Saints or Cardinals to get back to the Super Bowl. (TC Chong)

      In Benedict' XVI's last Sunday address in St. Peter’s Square the Pope said he was following God’s wishes by stepping down. "Why didn't I think of that?" said Sarah Palin. (Janice Hough)

      The first pope to resign in 600 years, with bells pealing and cheers ringing in his ears, Benedict XVI bid his faithful farewell and helicoptered to his villa at Castel Gandolfo. First thing he did after unpacking was head for the Olympic-size pool where he did a few quick laps -- not swimming -- walking. (Bob Mills)

      Now that the Pope’s retired I guess he’s free to date. So if you go on Christian Mingle and see the ad, 'Spent the last eight years serving the Heavenly Father', it’s either him or some dude with an awesome daddy complex. (Bill Williams)  

      Pope Benedict said farewell today. His absolute final wish though, is to have an Eggs Florentine breakfast for a change. (TC Chong)  

      Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn't give the Pope his security deposit back. (Craig Ferguson)

      Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that's what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Vatican's plan to call the retiring pontiff Benedict XVI 'Pope Emeritus' hit a snag today, in the form of a threatened lawsuit by an Oakland-based rapper who has been recording under that name since 2006. "I don't care who he is, I ain't let nobody mess with my brand," said Mr. Emeritus. According to a source close to the Vatican, Benedict is likely to choose another name for himself rather than risk a legal tussle with the aggrieved rapper: "The last thing the Church needs right now is another lawsuit." (Andy Borowitz)

      THE OSCARS

      The Oscar show was so long, during the broadcast, Taylor Swift dated a guy, broke up with him, and then wrote and recorded a song about what a jerk he was before it was over. (Alex Kaseberg)    

      Michelle Obama was a surprise presenter at the Oscars Sunday and handed the Best Picture Oscar to Argo. It's a true story of a successful rescue mission of State Department people trapped in a besieged embassy in the Muslim world. Those who cannot do, present. (Argus Hamilton)

      Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? The show last night was so long that by the middle of the show the audience was begging Daniel Day-Lewis to free them. (David Letterman)

      Daniel Day Lewis won the Oscar for Best Actor for Lincoln Sunday. However, Lincoln lost in the voting for Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Script, Best Director and Best Picture. All in all it was the second worst night Lincoln's had in a theater. (Argus Hamilton)

      Last night's Academy Awards lasted about three hours and 40 minutes. Even Jennifer Lawrence's dress was like, "That's way too long." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Daniel Day-Lewis won best actor for 'Lincoln'. Things were a little different back when Lincoln was president, because then Democrats were called Republicans, and Republicans were called 'Master'. (Bill Williams)     

      'Life of Pi' is a nominee for Best Picture. It is not to be confused with 'Life of Pie', an upcoming film on the life of Chris Christie. (Gary Bachman)  

      'Life of Pi' took home four Oscars. It's about a young boy trapped at sea on a small boat with a man-eating tiger. Yet with all that, it's still a better way to travel than a Carnival cruise. (Jay Leno)

      Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise. (Conan O'Brien)

      This is my theory about the Oscar. If you're in an action movie or comedy, you're not worthy. But if you put on Elizabethan trousers and act serious, that's it. You're a great actor. (Craig Ferguson)

      Did you see Anne Hathaway's Academy Awards outfit? She might be the first actress to get the nod for Best Supporting and least supported. (RJ Currie)

      Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama's gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis. (Conan O'Brien)

      Best Sound Editing Oscar was a tie. Awards went to Skyfall and Zero Dark Thirty. Can’t they settle this with penalty kicks? Or a coin toss? Or arm wrestling? What about editing out the sound of each other’s acceptance speech? (TC Chong)    

      John Travolta's hairpiece should get an award for Best Supporting Actor. (Steve Hofstetter)

      Shouldn’t the films nominated for Best Documentary–Short Subject be about topics like the life of jockeys and midget wrestling. (Gary Bachman)  

      Seth McFarlane was ripped by two California female lawmakers saying he degraded women with his Oscar song about actresses called We Saw Your Boobs. It really struck a nerve. Three actresses in the audience spilled out of their blouses shaking their fist at him. (Argus Hamilton)

      A German longevity study claims 72 is the new 30; if that is true, suddenly Jack Nicholson hitting on Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscar party isn’t nearly as creepy. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Hollywood Fire Department reported that during the Oscar telecast on Sunday a water pipe burst in the ladies' restroom backstage. The flooding upset a lot of people. The stars did not mind ruining their rented shoes, but when cocaine gets wet it evaporates. (Argus Hamilton)

      Monday night I usually update you on the number of times "amazing" is said on "The Bachelor." Tonight was 22. We also collected every "amazing" that was uttered on or near the Oscars' red carpet. That's 101. There were as many "amazings" as there were Dalmatians. Can someone in the world please send us more adjectives. We need them. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      HORSEMEAT

      This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn't happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn't quite pin a tail on it. (Jay Leno)

      Donkey meat has been found in South African burgers and sausages. If you are what you eat, Oscar Pistorius must be living on a steady diet of jackass meat. (Gary Bachman)  

      Now traces of horsemeat have been found in food served at Taco Bell’s UK restaurants. This fortunately would never happen in the U.S. No one has ever accused our Taco Bell food of containing any actual meat. (Janice Hough)

      Horsemeat found in #IKEA Swedish meatballs. Even worse, IKEA customers have to screw in the horsemeat themselves with an Allen wrench. (Erik Bransteen)

      Furniture chain IKEA, which features in house restaurants, has removed meatballs from the menu in 13 European countries. Tests had found horsemeat in the product. A radio announcement his morning on CBC said that Canadian stores are not affected. (TC Chong) 

      IKEA has removed meatballs from its stores after they were found to contain horsemeat. Although customers said eating the meatballs was more enjoyable than assembling the IKEA chair they just bought. (Jim Barach)

      Birds Eye recalled three of its beef-meal products in England after some chili con carne tested positive for horse DNA. Coincidence? Grocers say the stuff was practically flying off the store shelves in Derbyshire. (Dwight Perry)

      Some pizzas in Denmark were found to contain horse meat: Police got suspicious when people started betting on Domino's delivery guys. (Tim Hunter)   

      Pizzas in Denmark have been discovered with horse meat. Pizzas with horse meat. How fast does THAT get delivered to your house? (Jay Leno)

      In Europe they tested the ground beef and found horsemeat. In Iceland, they tested some frozen beef pies and found there wasn’t any meat in them at all. Some other foods ought to be tested, too. Buffalo wings. Bear claws. Italian sausage. (Terry Etter)  

      The Europeans aren’t the only ones discovering that their food isn’t what they think it is. A friend of mine was disappointed to find meat inside his pot pie. (Terry Etter)    

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      There's a children's book out called 'A President from Hawaii'. Wonder how many folks look at it and say, "See, proof, he isn't from the United States." (Janice Hough)

      Washington Post's Bob Woodward wrote that President Obama's decision not to deploy an aircraft carrier to the Persian Gulf and blaming it on the sequester cuts is a kind of madness not seen since Richard Nixon. That's unfair. President Nixon never had to keep an aircraft carrier anchored off Houston to keep Texas from seceding from the Union. (Argus Hamilton)

      Oops, Obama confused Star Trek and Star Wars by referring to a possible 'Jedi Mind Meld' with Republicans. So much for that title 'E! Online' gave the President of 'Commander in Geek'. Just as well in some ways the President messed up the line. These days had he gotten the Star Wars reference right, Republicans might have accused him of being born on the asteroid colony 'Polis Massa'. (Janice Hough)

      Not sure what it says about our country that more Americans seem to care about President Obama's mixing of Star Wars and Star Trek metaphors than the sequester. (Janice Hough)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today, he's already off to a bad start. He's going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they're coming on a Carnival cruise. (David Letterman)

      On his first day as Defense Secretary, Chuck Hagel told America’s soldiers that they can expect straight talk from him. Sounds like 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' is back. (Terry Etter)    

      John Kerry is the new secretary of state. Or the pressure has really taken a toll on Hillary Clinton. (Stephen Colbert)

      Really? From Politico: "Sec. of State John Kerry is calling on bickering Egyptian leaders and opposition politicians to forge a political consensus that will allow the country to emerge from economic crisis." Does this even need a punchline? (Janice Hough)

      Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama's new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he'll have to be let go due to budget cuts. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The White House officially released portraits of the White House gang. You can all see the portrait of Hillary Clinton. It will be on next month's cover of the 'Sports Illustrated' pants suit issue. (David Letterman)

      THE CONGRESS

      Nancy Pelosi opposes a pay cut for Congress because it would diminish the dignity of the job.  Of course, her facial expressions didn't reveal if she was joking or not. (Steve Yeich)

      An Oregon congressman has introduced a bill to put a tax on marijuana sales. Or as they call it in pro-athlete circles, greens fees, (Dwight Perry)

      Illinois Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. faces sentencing and imprisonment this week after he pleaded guilty in federal court in Chicago to campaign finance fraud. Oh well, that's politics for you. One week you're on the cover of Time, the next week you're doing it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. So, even though he belonged to the Senate, he was also playing House. (Tim Hunter)

      THE COURTS

      The New Jersey Supreme Court is set to hear the case of a judge who was ordered by an ethics board to give up his second career as a stand-up comedian. Vince Sicari, a municipal judge in South Hackensack, has been performing stand-up comedy for years under the name Vince August, and his gigs have included warming up crowds for Comedy Central's 'The Colbert Report'. The state ethics board told Sicari he would have to give up his second career to keep his position on the bench. The board said Sicari's comedy and acting work could make defendants question his impartiality. (Rich Hancock)

      Budweiser is being accused of watering down their beer in a lawsuit. Legal experts are predicting the "that's just how it tastes" defense. (Warren Holsteeen)

      A CNN lab test of Budweiser showed that the beer contained 4.94% alcohol by volume, compared with 5% stated on the label. Oh the horror. Where's the class action lawsuit? (Janice Hough)

      A judge in Richmond, B.C., sentenced pee-wee hockey coach Martin Tremblay to 15 days in jail for sticking his leg out in the postgame handshake line and upending two opposing players -- ages 10 and 13. In other words, 21,600 minutes for tripping. (Dwight Perry)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Mitt Romney on his 47% statement: It was "unfortunate" and "What I said is not what I believe." Guess the running mate Mitt should have chosen was Newt Gingrich - who himself said, "Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood." (Janice Hough)

      THE MILITARY

      The War on Terror just turned 12-years-old, which explains why it's into remote controlled planes. (Stephen Colbert)

      THE STATES

      Colorado lawmakers repealed a hundred-year-old state law that makes it a crime for married people to commit adultery Friday. That's a relief. The old law came to light six months ago and ever since they haven't been able to recruit anyone to run for public office. (Argus Hamilton)

      According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in. (Craig Ferguson)

      Montana wants to make it legal to eat road kill. Be the first on your block to eat at Burger Kill, "Where it's either playing possum or it's dinner." (Bill Williams)  

      A report says that New Mexico has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country while New Hampshire has the lowest. Apparently if you give kids a reason to keep their clothes on, they will. (Jim Barach)

      Gov. Chris Christie says he will appeal a decision upholding a ban on sports gambling in New Jersey. Of course what he means is 'legal' sports gambling in New Jersey. (Janice Hough)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Detroit has been ranked as the most miserable city in the U. S. "We feel your pain,'' said everyone in Regina. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Los Angeles became the first major city in the nation Thursday to synchronize all its traffic lights to keep traffic flowing. It's just great. You can now drive from downtown all the way to the beach without stopping if everybody types twenty-eight words a minute. (Argus Hamilton)

      A man in Sebring, Fla. was shot in the leg while driving when his dog kicked a loaded pistol lying on the seat of his pickup truck. No word on whether it was a hunting dog. (Dwight Perry) [Ed. Note: Guns don't shoot people. Dogs shoot people. (Stan Kegel)] 

      In other Florida gun news, a woman in St. Petersburg escaped with only slight injuries when she tried to preheat an oven to cook some waffles — not knowing that a male friend had stashed a box of bullets in it. On the bright side, it's the first shooting range in the neighborhood. (Dwight Perry)

      A woman was only slightly injured in Florida after she tried to preheat an oven where her friend had stored a magazine from his Glock. And when the heated magazine exploded. Forget background checks for gun owners. Maybe we need to start with IQ tests. (Janice Hough)

      Turns out No. 22 on the Ridgeway High School boys basketball roster really was 22 — as in 22-year-old McKenzie Sewell -- so Tennessee's third-ranked squad was bounced from the playoffs as a result. Sources said the man was a former gang member in New Orleans, and his wife signed papers saying she was his guardian. (Wayne Carter)

      A Florida man was apparently swallowed last night by a sinkhole under his bedroom. Other Floridians were dismayed, especially as the man wasn't Governor Rick Scott. (Janice Hough)

      Orange News reports a man had to walk naked to a hotel desk after locking himself out of his room. There was an awkward moment when they asked for I.D. (RJ Currie)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      'All-Around Pizza and Deli' in Virginia Beach, VA, offers customers carrying firearms a 15% discount.  Owner Jay Laze offers the usual pizza menu including the 'NRA Special' with meatballs shaped like Colt .45 cartridges, pepperoni slices with little targets printed on them, and assorted nuts. (Bob Mills)

      The U.S. government has reportedly offered to let BP pay a $16 Billion settlement for the Gulf Oil Spill. Which means the company will have to suffer. BP executives will have to stick to drinking domestic champagne for as much as three days. (Jim Barach)

      T-Mobile will be moving to a no-contract model soon. AT&T will soon be moving to a no-contract model, too. Not by choice, it’s just that no one wants to sign a contract with AT&T any more. (Jim Barach)

      Google plans to release its Google Glass frames by the end of the year. A computer on your face will free up your hands to do other things. Play Angry Birds on your smart phone. (Alan Ray)  

      Google asked women to consumer-test their new augmented-reality eyeglasses last week. They have a tiny camera that records everything you see and stores it on your iPhone. This invention could go down in history as the polio vaccine for unwanted sexual advances. (Argus Hamilton)

      A class action suit has been filed against Amheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser for watering down their beer. No surprise here. Canadians have called their products 'Making Love by the Lakeshore' ever since I can remember. (TC Chong)  

      The company that owns Olive Garden announced that its revenue has dropped 5 percent in the last quarter. Which explains their new promotion: limited bread sticks. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving." (Conan O'Brien)

      Wal-Mart says it is struggling to restock its store shelves. Apparently the Chinese economy is doing so well the people there can afford to buy their own cheap crap and don’t need to send it over here. (Jim Barach)

      Groupon CEO fired. They told him to take 75% of the year off.  (Neil Berliner) 

      Groupon fired their CEO Andrew Mason. Don’t feel bad for Mason, he received a generous severance package that included a coupon for a free game of bowling and a free appetizer at Ruby Tuesday. (Gary Bachman)  

      TRANSPORTATION

      A study says that porn apps pose a rising risk to mobile users. And to everyone else if you thought that texting while driving was a distraction. (Jim Barach)

      A report says that teen traffic deaths were up 19% in the first half of 2012. Remember when kids didn’t do such dangerous things like texting while driving and instead used the car for safer activities like getting drunk, having sex and playing “chicken”? (Jim Barach)

      No injuries were reported when a United Airlines flight from Vancouver had to make an emergency landing today at San Francisco International Airport. Wonder how long it will take United to bill the passengers with an 'excitement surcharge'. (Janice Hough)

      The price of gas is so high, Lindsay Lohan is now forced to choose between drinking or driving. She can't afford both. (Jay Leno)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Police say that a man who worked as a handyman at a Louisiana retreat home for priests, is accused of shooting a priest, robbing him and then stealing his car to drive his family to Disney World.  What a clever way to insure the trip will be forever memorable for the kids. (Johnny Robish)

      Police say pimps now use social media to recruit prostitutes. How do you identify hookers playing Farmville? They don’t have cherries. (Alan Ray)  

      TERRORISM 

      Al-Qaida has issued a list of 22 ways that al-Qaida members can avoid being killed by U. S. drones. Here's a good one: Don't join al-Qaida. (Jay Leno)

      Can our drone program win the war on terror? Yes, if you go: up, up, down down, B, A, B, A, select. (Stephen Colbert)

      THE CONSTITUTION & CIVIL RIGHTS 

      A California woman says she was fired for being pregnant by her fiance (who is now her husband) because pre-maritial sex was in violation of the San Diego Christian College 'Handbook and Community Covenant'. The school then gave the man they knew to be her fiance a job. (Janice Hough)

      Anyone notice that the Voting Rights Act is 'out of date' because it's about 50 years old, but the nearly 250 year old 2nd Amendment is ever current?" (Todd Harris)

      Asked about his position on a bill in Wisconsin requiring ultrasounds before abortions, GOP Rep. Sean Duffy responded "I don’t know what a trans-vaginal ultrasound is. I've never had one." And women are thinking, "Hmm, how can we demonstrate the concept to him?" (Janice Hough)

      Justice Antonin Scalia today referred to the Voting Rights Act as "perpetuation of racial entitlement." And somewhere MLK is thinking "I have a nightmare." (Janice Hough)

      Even though many have wanted to see Gitmo closed, including President Obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. It's the Radio Shack of the War on Terror. (Stephen Colbert)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      Cuba’s leader Raul Castro may step down. It’s for personal reasons. He wants to spend more time oppressing his family. (Alan Ray)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      As if having testicular cancer isn’t bad enough in and of itself, a 48-year-old British man underwent surgery to have a cancerous testicle removed awoke from surgery to discover that surgeons had removed the healthy testicle instead of the cancerous one. Wow! That’s just nuts.  Must have been something like eeny, meeny, miny, oops! And to make matters worse, they didn’t even have the balls to tell him. (Johnny Robish)

      To counteract decreasing air quality and encourage bicycle riding, Many towns and villages in the UK are reducing the speed limit to 20 mph.  Contrary to what you might think, stop lights are still strictly enforced -- by bobbies riding skateboards. (Bob Mills)

      EUROPE

      Thieves snatched $50 million in diamonds from the Brussels airport.  Somehow we just can't feel sorry for Delta who should have known the risk when they decided to accept engagement rings from passengers to cover extra luggage fees. (Bob Mills)

      Italy just had its elections. There's no winner. There's no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections. (Craig Ferguson)

      Beppe Grillo, an Italian stand-up comic received 25% of Sunday’s national vote putting him right behind the clown in the race, Silvio Berlusconi. No word yet on how the ventriloquist fared. (Will Durst)   

      AFRICA



      THE MIDDLE EAST



      THE FAR EAST

      So Dennis Rodman has been hanging out with Kim Jung Un. One is an unstable madman bent on world destruction, while the other is the leader of North Korea. (Marc Ragovin)

      Dennis Rodman has been publicly and happily hanging out in Pyongyang with Kim Jong Un. Well, this ought to di

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