Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

Weakly Humerus News 02-24-13

Expand Messages
  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-24-13 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Newest NRA Slogan: Shotguns fired through bathroom doors don t kill people. Having
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 24, 2013
    • 0 Attachment

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-24-13
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Newest NRA Slogan: Shotguns fired through bathroom doors don't kill people. Having models as girlfriends kill people. (Stan Kegel)

      Just in time for Lincoln's birthday, the state of Mississippi on Feb 7, 2013, finally officially ratified the 13th amendment abolishing slavery. Who says the South is backwards?  (Janice Hough)  

      Presidents Day was described by historians Monday as a day to think like Roosevelt, pray like Washington and act like Lincoln. Unfortunately it's a day off. That's when most Americans prefer to drink like Grant, behave like Clinton and eat like William Howard Taft. (Argus Hamilton)

      Tiger Woods and I made a perfect golf pairing. He knows that I wasn't a big threat to his world ranking, and I know that I better keep my day job. (President Barach Obama) 

      At this point the situation in DC is such that if President Obama came out with a resolution praising motherhood and apple pie, the GOP would accuse him of being anti-fathers and disrespectful of other fruits.  (Janice Hough)  

      Now it turns out the lead detective in the Oscar Pistorius case is himself facing attempted murder charges? Who knew that the South African police might end up making the LAPD with the O.J. Simpson case look good? (Janice Hough)

      Now that the Pope has resigned, It shows that a true Catholic always pulls out early. (Dean Okay)

      At least Pope Benedict can't claim he's retiring to spend more time with his family. (Melodi)

      Los Angeles will become the first major city in the world to synchronize all its traffic signals. Which means the traffic jam will now be spread over 24 hours and not just during morning and evening rush. (Jim Barach)  

      A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now. (Jay Leno)

      A Florida couple admits to being addicted to coffee enemas; and they are not welcomed back at their local Starbucks either. (Alex Kaseberg) 

      You can tell how important a president was based on his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one -- a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England. (Craig Ferguson)

      The designers of an app that estimates penis size are being sued for calling it Chubby Checker. Three names they ruled out: 3. Little Richard; 2. Peewee Reese; 1. Tiny Tim. (RJ Currie) 

      Fox news host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare. (Conan O'Brien)

      If the Senators roll out a 4th line with with Dziurzynski-Zibanejad-Daugavins, I suggest we call them the 'Spell Checking Line'. (Ian Mendes)

      A woman in New York has been arrested for hiring strippers to perform at her son's 16th birthday party. Even Dina and Michael Lohan were like, "That's a really bad parenting choice." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Now, many of you are understandably concerned about the effect on first responders, but did you also know that as a result of severe SEACRESTATION, you might also just lose your favorite American Idol. (Bill Maher) 

      OSCAR PISTORIUS

      Wonder how long it will take the NRA to say that if Oscar Pictorius only had another gun in his bathroom his girlfriend might be alive today. (Janice Hough)

      Back to the Oscar show. Okay, maybe this is U.S.-centric, but I'm having a hard time imagining how a detective who is facing an attempted murder charge even gets on another murder case in the first place. (Janice Hough)

      O.J. Pistorius thought someone broke in his house and was in the bathroom. Because that's what burglars do, stop and take a leak mid crime. (Cooper Talk)

      Olympian Oscar Pistorius, who competes in the 400 meters with blades on his two amputated legs, was arrested for murdering his girlfriend. Apparently she stole one of his blades and he was hopping mad. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Oscar Pistorius changed lawyers because he felt their fee was too high. They wanted an arm and a leg. (Stan Kegel)

      Oscar Pistorius snaps lawyer's neck after making a "Who's gonna foot the bill?" joke. (Warren Holstein)

      She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs. (Author Unknown)

      If Oscar Pistorius is released on bail, authorities are concerned he’ll be a flight risk. Why don’t they just fit him with an ankle monitor bracelet–oh wait.  (Gary Bachman) 

      Oscar Pistorius appears to be looking for a plea bargain. He is willing to give up his "Blade Runner" legs In exchange for a lighter sentence. (Greg Myers)

      What did Oscar Pistorius get for Valentine's day? 20 years. (Author Unknown)

      Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet? (Warren Holstein)

      They ought to grant this Pistorius guy bail. It would be fairly easy to keep him from running away. (TC Chong)

      Oscar Pistorius snaps lawyer's neck after making a "Who's gonna foot the bill?" joke. (Author Unknown)

      Oscar Pistorius is now being accused of using PED’s. But with this guy the controversy is what’s a Performance Enhancing Drug and what’s WD40. (Bill Williams) 

      POPE GREGORY

        

      Pope Benedict announced he was resigning two days before Ash Wednesday. First time I’ve heard of someone giving up their job for Lent (Terry Etter) 

      Pope Benedict XVI cited physical problems for his surprise resignation Apparently it's an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys. (Jay Leno)

      It's being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans. (Conan O'Brien)

      The big question: Who's going to replace the Pope? Where's the new Pope going to come from? I think they should check out Whole Foods. I've seen plenty of holier-than-thou people walking around that place. (Jay Leno)

      Pope Benedict's resignation Tuesday led to forecasts that Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana could be the first black pope. It's controversial. His name wasn't out there for one day and already Donald Trump is claiming his birth certificate says he was born a Methodist. (Argus Hamilton)

      There is speculation that the next pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he'll be the first pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring. (Conan O'Brien)

      It's been reported that after the Pope retires he'll receive a relatively small pension. So don't be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads "Will Pope for food." (Conan O'Brien)

      We're learning more about the Pope's condition. The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In fact, right after that, the Pope said he's sworn off spring break forever. (Jay Leno)

      Roger Mahony, the former archbishop of Los Angeles famous for relocating pedophiles to different archdioceses has gone to Rome to help select the next pope. Chances are good he will attempt to enter the Vatican using the rear entrance. (Jerry W.) 

      Los Angeles's Cardinal Mahony says he has been 'scapegoated' in the priest abuse scandal and that "Jesus was painted with the same brush as the two thieves crucified with him." Next he'll complain that people aren't getting the church's message of personal responsibility. (Janice Hough)

      Holy cow, in contrast to the GOP primaries back in ’08, when the candidates to succeed Pope Benedict were asked today if any of them didn’t believe in evolution, not a single hand shot up toward the heavens. (Bill Maher)

      Pope Benedict is the first Pope to resign since the Middle Age. The Middle Ages -- a period of history the Catholic Church refers to as now. (Bill Maher)  

      February 28 is when the Pope turns in his badge and his scepter. Then we're going to have a period where there's no Pope. And the Vatican says until a new Pope is installed, pedophile priests have to make their own travel arrangements. (Bill Maher)  

      THE ACADEMY AWARDS

      The Oscars are this Sunday. Everyone will be tuning in to the telecast, and 'Lincoln' is one of the big favorites. Of course, like Lincoln, most people won't stick around for the whole show. (Conan O'Brien)

      It's apt that the Oscars happen just a few weeks before March madness. Millions of Americans can pretend to care about movies they've never seen, right before rooting for college basketball teams they've never heard of. (Janice Hough)

      Seth McFarlane will be hosting the Oscars this weekend. What? Homer Simpson isn’t available? (TC Chong)

      As far as predictions, forget 'Best Picture'. What many people really wonder  - Who is Seth MacFarlane most likely to offend? (Janice Hough)

      Usually, you can never tell how long the Academy Awards are going to run. This year we’ll know they Oscars are over when the fat lady (Adele) sings. (Gary Bachman)

      There will be a tribute to 50 years of James Bond. Who cares about James? Why not devote the entire show to Pussy Galore? (TC Chong)

      Folks are excited about the Academy Awards on Sunday. Ann Hathaway will probably win. She's won so many awards she's being tested for banned substances.  (David Letterman)

      The Oscars are handed out Sunday. Who is the hands down favorite for a best supporting role this past year in Hollywood? The Betty Ford Clinic. (Alan Ray)  

      Steven Spielberg's 'Lincoln' received 12 nominations. I really think 'Lincoln' has a shot.  (David Letterman)

      I've got the latest Oscar buzz. Many Pakistanis are saying that 'Zero Dark Thirty' contains factual errors. Then someone explained to the Pakistanis that being directed by a woman does not qualify as a factual error. (Conan O'Brien)

      MINDY McCREADY

      Mindy McCready apparently tried to kill herself so many times a book of her suicide notes may be released. (Greg Myers) 

      Roger Clemens, who Mindy McCready said she had a 10 year relationship with, starting when she was 15, issued this statement today about her death by suicide: "Yes, that is sad news. I had heard that she was trying to get peace and direction in her life. The few times that I had met her and her manager/agent they were extremely nice." Once a douchebag, always a douchebag.  (Janice Hough)

      Mindy McCready has become the fifth "Celebrity Rehab" death. At this rate, Dr. Drew is going to run out of D-list celebrities to exploit. (Lee Mays)  

      Celebrity Rehab producers said Mindy McCready was the fifth star to have appeared on the show and then died after relapsing. It's sad. While Dr. Kevorkian was tinkering in his garage with carbon monoxide devices, he never knew that he had a TV hit on his hands. (Argus Hamilton)

      PETE DOMENICI

      Former N.M Senator Pete Domenici, who voted to impeach Clinton, now admits he had an out-of-wedlock son 30 years ago himself. (With the daughter of Paul Laxalt, who was a Senator from Nevada at the time.) Ah, family values. (Janice Hough)

      Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become 'The Jerry Springer Show'? (Jay Leno)

      New Mexico former senator Pete Domenici admitted he fathered a secret child thirty years ago with the daughter of Senator Paul Laxalt. It's just one of many. Once they shut down the Senate page program these guys had nowhere to go but to each other's daughters. (Argus Hamilton)

      Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards. (Jay Leno)

      HORSE MEAT AND GLASS

      Following the discovery last week of shreds of glass in some of Nestlé's 'Lean Cuisine' frozen dinners, the Kellogg Company is recalling "Special K Red Berries' cereal for also containing glass shreds. The efficacy of glass in weight reduction diets has been classified as questionable by the Food And Drug Administration. (Stan Kegel)

      Kellogg’s is recalling Special K Red Berries for possible glass particles in the box. The marketing department had tried to spin it positive, 'Doesn’t get soggy in milk'. (Alan Ray)  

      Some French 'gourmets' are recommending horse meat, saying it has less fat, is tender and more flavorful than beef. Of course, you would be more tender too, if someone was whipping your ass while you ran around in a circle. (TC Chong)

      The London Mail reports frozen food sales are down twenty percent in Britain since horse meat was found in meat entrees. It's okay now. Horse meat lovers were consoled by the fact that even with regular beef, Swanson's Beef Stroganoff still tastes like glue. (Argus Hamilton)

      There's nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. Fast food should be made of fast animals. Oh man, I could really go for a double-cheetah melt. (Stephen Colbert)

      CBS News said injured racehorses are being auctioned in California to meat brokers in China. The horses are shot full of performance-enhancing drugs. Chinese runners could switch to an all-hamburger diet and break the Olympic record for the mile by two minutes. (Argus Hamilton)

      A CBS news investigation discovered that racetracks have been selling meat from horses that had to be put down to Chinese food processors.  Aha!  That accounts for the popularity of the Pimlico Burger with Rice at Panda Express. (Bob Mills)  

      Sad, weird, but true: Injured American racehorses are being sold to meat brokers in China after being shot full of performance-enhancing drugs. In China they’re either eaten or taught to ride a bicycle. (Bill Williams)  


      CARNIVAL TRIUMPH

      The Carnival Cruise ship that was stranded without power in the Gulf of Mexico had sewage and urine throughout the ship, the toilets weren't working and people were throwing up all over.  Can you imagine how the comedian working that ship must have felt? Talk about a tough crowd. (Steve Yeich)

      The crippled hulk, smelling fetid from days without A/C and Running water, and coverd with passenger grafitti immediately improved the Mobile, Alabama waterfront. (Stephen James)

      Carnival Cruise Lines will replace all their ships with Boeing 787 Dreamliners. The engines still might fail, but you’ll reach port in no more than 43.2 seconds. (Bill Williams)   

      By the way, Carnival Cruise has recently cancelled their policy of encouraging customers to fill out comment cards at the end of a cruise. (Steve Yeich)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Can President Obama get the support of gun owners? Yes, after a four-year waiting period. (Stephen Colbert)

      Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years. (Bill Maher)   

      It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State’s graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He’s currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Treasury Department reported that the federal government had a $3 billion budget surplus in January. When Obama found out he got so excited he even canceled his golf game to take time out to figure out ways to spend it and to ensure something like this never happens again. (Steve Yeich)

      Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don't we get rid of the penny. And he said as long as we're getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless, how about John Boehner? (Bill Maher)  

      Did you watch that speech? John Boehner sat behind him with this look on his face, like a guy enduring a long story from a restroom attendant. (Bill Maher)  

      Some people have been upset that President Obama played golf over the weekend with Tiger Woods. They feel that hanging around someone like that could further harm his image. This is where you get to choose and apply that sentence to one of them. (Tim Hunter)

      Yesterday President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger. She told him, “No hanging out with Tiger afterwards. You come right home.” (Jay Leno)

      Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week. (Jay Leno)

      Tiger and Obama had a friendly golf game this weekend in Florida. That was until the bodyguards overheard Woods telling the Prez that he was going to give him at least 8 shots. (TC Chong)

      Actually, you know what the president's handicap is? He doesn't understand economics. (Jay Leno)

      This is about transparency, about a free press holding our leader accountable. I mean it's one thing to keep us in the dark about a fleet of flying robo-assassins. but a round of golf on your day off? Where's the judicial oversight? (Stephen Colbert)

      Michelle Obama is getting a lot of criticism for her new haircut with bangs. She said she went for less hair to sympathize with her husband who is pulling out his hair because of having to deal with Congress. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      ADMINISTRATION

      In an effort to reduce its debt, the U.S. Postal Service is launching its own line of clothing and accessories. They come in one size, embarrasses all. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The U.S. Department of Justice announced they have joined the whistle-blower lawsuit against cyclist Lance Armstrong. Hey, if they win enough maybe we can keep post office delivery on Saturdays. (Janice Hough)  

      THE CONGRESS

      Secretary of State John Kerry says the greatest challenge to our foreign policy is Congress. They are also the greatest challenge to our domestic policy, economic policy, energy policy ... (Jim Barach)  

       An Oregon congressman has introduced a bill to tax marijuana legally sold in the U.S.  Artists at the U.S. Bureau of Engraving are already designing a tax stamp that will be required on every baggie of grass sold.  His fans agree it's the most flattering portrait of Willie Nelson they've ever seen. (Bob Mills)  

      Sen. Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious. (Bill Maher)  

      Nancy Pelosi said on Fox that it was a false argument that the government has a spending problem. She's totally correct. The government has no problem at all in spending, it's not spending that they have a problem with. (Steve Yeich)  

      THE REPUBLICANS

      GOP civil war -- of course the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag. (Stephen Colbert)

      Who would’ve thought that in just one short week, Marco Rubio went from walking on water, to not being able to talk without water! (Bill Maher)

      After Obama's speech, the Cuban guy in the Republican Party reached for a bottle of water, and he looked like a mime stuck in a box. (Bill Maher)  

      Condi Rice revealed plans to play in the Masters Pro-Am at Augusta in April as a club member. There's nothing she can't do. At the AT&T Pro-Am, Condi Rice hit a spectator in the head with a tee shot, showing that she has what it takes to be a Republican president. (Argus Hamilton)

      Someone has to tell Marco Rubio something I learned a long time ago: never get high before a show. You wind up making no sense, and you develop a bad case of cottonmouth. Plus, the next time Rubio panders to Latinos by releasing an all-Spanish version of a speech, when he stops for a water break, he has to drink from the hose. (Bill Maher)   

      Pizza mogul Herman Cain has been hired by Fox News. Probably explains Fox's new slogan, "We report, you decide what toppings you want." (Erik Bransteen)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time. (Jay Leno)

      Jesse Jackson Jr. said his political career is not over despite his guilty plea on misusing campaign funds.  Thanks to redistricting, Jackson Jr. is planning a congressional run as the duly elected representative of Cell Block C. (Bix Brillo)

      THE MILITARY

      The Army has revoked the promotion given to Paula Broadwell who had an affair with retired General David Petraeus. Apparently you can’t be a lieutenant colonel until you learn to be a little more private. (Jim Barach)

      THE STATES

      Mississippi has ratified the 13th Amendment outlawing slavery 148 years after it was originally passed. It has cost them a lot of business. Apparently, before this latest development Nike was all set to open a new shoe factory there. (Jim Barach)  

      Indiana's state Senate advanced a bill to 'protect women's safety' by requiring an trans-vaginal ultrasound both before and after having a first trimester abortion. Well, while they're at it, how about protecting men's safety by requiring a rectal ultrasound before and after a prostrate exam? (Janice Hough)

      Lawmakers in Montana are considering a bill that would make it legal for people to take road kill home and use it as food. When Montana residents heard that, they were like, "Wait, that was illegal?" (Jimmy Fallon) 

      In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is "Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      California Treasurer Bill Lockyer sought to divest the state's pension fund of the stocks of automatic weapons makers. This insults our top industry. Without assault weapons, Bruce Willis would be starring this week in his tenth film adaptation of a Jane Austen novel. (Argus Hamilton)

      LOCAL NEWS

      It's a great day for the city of Los Angeles. We've become the first city to synchronize all of our traffic lights. This will make it easier to get downtown and watch the Lakers lose. (Craig Ferguson)

      An analysis says that half of all Detroit property owners don’t pay taxes. That’s what happens when property taxes are based on the property’s value. (Jim Barach)  

      A Philadelphia assault trial was disrupted when the victim’s prosthetic eyeball fell out. We’ll have more on this and other eye-popping stories. (RJ Currie) 

      Former San Diego Mayor, Maureen O’Connor, told a court she lost over a billion dollars of her late husband’s money gambling. Why is she a former mayor? We need this woman in congress right now. She’s perfect. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The former San Diego mayor, Maureen O'Connor, told federal prosecutors she went broke after gambling away more than a billion dollars she inherited from her late husband at casinos playing video poker. But to be fair, at one point, she was up 300 bucks. (Jay Leno)

      The lawyer for the former mayor of Bell, California, who is on trial for misappropriating funds, says his client was too uneducated to realize that his $100,000 salary for a part-time job was illegal. I think I like 'fell into a lifeboat' better. (Janice Hough)

      A Florida couple on 'Strange Addictions' admitted they were hooked on several coffee enemas a day. Boy, that is when you know you're too lazy, when you can't go through the ordeal that is pouring coffee into a cup and sipping it. "Using that cup is too exhausting. Can you just shoot it up my butt? Thanks." (Alex Kaseberg)

      A Florida woman was wounded while heating waffles when bullets her roommate left in the oven exploded. Apparently she didn’t read the cooking instructions that said preheat oven to 350 and duck. (Jim Barach)  

      At least four people are dead in an Orange County, California shooting spree that started at a home and ended up on the freeways. Waiting for NRA statement saying we should start driving with hands-free guns. (Janice Hough)

      Wash St baristas have been arrested for stripping at drive thrus. Talk about starting your day with a double double. How about 'busted' before breakfast? (TC Chong)

      A New York mother has been arrested - after booking two strippers for her son's 16th birthday party. The strippers performed lap dances on the boy and his teenage friends. (Rich Hancock)   h

      A N.Y. mother has been arrested after booking strippers for her son’s 16th birthday. I’m not saying that’s ethical, but it beats the heck out of the mittens I got. (RJ Currie) 

      Police in a small New York town arrested a mother who hired two strippers for her son's 16th birthday party. And here I remember the days when hiring a pony was considered over-the-top.  (Janice Hough)

      A legal claim filed in Antioch, California accused a teacher of duct-taping an 8-year old boy's mouth to keep him quiet. Which if true, is awful. Duct-tape has no place as a silencer involving children - unless it's used on the parents of Little Leaguers. (Janice Hough)

      A 65-year-old Ohio State fan says she was pulled over by police in Tennessee who mistook the Buckeye stickers on her car for a marijuana leaf. In other words, those cops couldn't tell a Woody Hayes from a woody stem. (Dwight Perry)

      Police in Purcell, Oklahoma found that someone had converted a golf course bathroom into a meth lab.  What's the penalty if your ball lands in a meth lab?  Same as when it lands in cocaine -- both are considered sand traps. (Bob Mills)  

      Oklahoma police discovered a methamphetamine lab inside a Porta-Potty on a golf course outside the town of Purcell on Thursday. The police said they have one suspect. He signed his golf card and turned it in after completing nine holes in twenty-three minutes. (Argus Hamilton)

      A man put his resume on candy bar wrappers. Apparently, he was seeking a job in the Chris Christie administration. (Gary Bachman)

      THE ECONOMY

      It's been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used to be mad at Wall Street -- at this point, who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison? (Stephen Colbert)

      Gas prices hit an all-time high in LA this month. It was so bad Charlie Sheen could only afford to drive from his bedroom to his medicine cabinet. (Bill Williams)  

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Like Apple and Microsoft, Google will soon be opening retail stores. In fact, yesterday I googled 'Apple Store' and got "Did you mean Google Store."  (Gary Bachman)

      Although Facebook earned more $1.1 billion in 2012, a tax break for executive stock options meant that the company not only paid no federal/state taxes, they will actually get tax refunds of $429 million. And some will still say businesses can't afford to operate in California.  (Janice Hough)  

      USA Today reported ammunition shortages in gun stores around the country Monday due to widespread fear of a weapons ban. It's the law of unintended consequences. Just think, peace could be forced on Chicago because the rednecks bought up all the bullets. (Argus Hamilton)

      The most expensive drink at Starbucks is 52 ounces, contains 40 shots of espresso and costs $47.30. Apparently it contains enough caffeine to keep someone awake all the way through an entire Joe Biden speech. (Jim Barach)  

      Sony has introduced its Playstation 4. It’s the next generation of gaming. The new console will broadcast online so friends can actually see how a player is wasting his day. (Alan Ray)  

      Warren Buffett bought Heinz, paying twenty-eight billion for the food company that makes beans, Ore-Ida fries and Weight Watchers entrees. That's diversity. No matter which side of your New Year's resolution you are on, it is money in Warren Buffett's pocket. (Argus

      Double-amputee Olympian, Oscar Pistorius, charged with premeditated murder of his girlfriend, is just one of the latest of Nike athletes to explode in a scandal, including Lance Armstrong, Manti Te’o, Ben Roethlisburger, Michael Vick, Suzy Favor Hamilton, Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant. How on earth did Nike miss Ray Lewis? That guy has probably killed at least two people. He is perfect for Nike, which might stand for 'Notoriously Insane Killers Employed'. (Alex Kaseberg)

      With the increasing amount of Nike sponsored athletes commiting crime, maybe Nike should change to 'Don't Do It'. (Dean Okay)

      Reader's Digest has filed for bankruptcy.  Apparently, it still pays to increase your word power, just not enough to make a living. (Tim Hunter)

      A pizza place owner in Virginia is giving a discount to anyone bringing a gun into his restaurant. Just bring in a gun and the price of your pizza will be reduced by all the money in the cash register. (Terry Etter)  

      TRANSPORTATION

      The sequester reportedly could result in three hour security lines at airports. Or as American Airlines calls that, “on schedule”. (Jim Barach)  

      A coffee-powered car recently set a world speed record. You thought gas prices were high -- wait until car fuel is made by Starbucks. (Gary Bachman).

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Former Illinois sergeant Drew Peterson was sentenced to 38 years for the drowning death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio. The case shocked state residents. They're not used to sending policemen to prison, only politicians. (Janice Hough)

      Welcome to America. Quote from a English tourist about the shootout on the Las Vegas Strip this morning: "This doesn't happen where we come from. We get stabbings, but this is like something out of a movie. Like 'Die Hard' or something." (Janice Hough)

      IMMIGRATION

      The White House leaked a bill offering lawful prospective status to illegal aliens last week. To get a green card they must learn U.S. history and speak English. They must learn that Texas, New Mexico, Arizona and California were given to the U.S. in the Book of Genesis. (Argus Hamilton)

      CIVIL RIGHTS 

      It is now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you are in one of them, be careful. (Stephen Colbert)

      Mississippi has ratified the 13th Amendment outlawing slavery 148 years after it was originally passed. Next they will look at the Bill of Rights, and after that may even check out the rest of the 27 Amendments. (Jim Barach)  

      I believe in American exceptionalism. And this is an insult to American gays, who I may not approve of, but I believe they are the gayest in the world. Our gay people -- they are not just homosexual, they're homo-ceptional. (Stephen Colbert)

      CANADA

      The local Coast Guard here (Western Canada) has just shut down two days ago to cut costs of $700K. Today the Canadian Govt announced that it is spending $

      (Message over 64 KB, truncated)
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.