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Weakly Humerus News 02-17-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-17-13 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE Please accept my apology for the delay in posting this report. My computer was down for 3 days. (S. K.)
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 20, 2013
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-17-13
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      Please accept my apology for the delay in posting this report. My computer was down for 3 days. (S. K.)

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      The current Pope served for about seven years before announcing retirement. Last time around when the College of Cardinals selected Pope Benedict, one of the cardinals that was in the running was Cardinal Anton Scola, the Cardinal of Milan. The newspapers say he's in the running again, but has the same problem as last time -- No one thinks the Church should have a Pope Scola. (Alan B. Combs)  

      The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well. (Conan O'Brien)

      Oscar Pistorius says he's innocent but we all know he hasn't a leg to stand on. (Gary Hallock)  

      Christopher Dorner wanted to clear his name but ended up just making an ash of himself. His being fired is what both started and ended the whole inferno. (Stan Kegel) 

      Monday is President’s Day. Historians note the significance of George Washington tossing a silver dollar across the Potomac. It’s the first example of a politician throwing money away. (Alan Ray)

      One couple was married on the stricken Carnival Triumph last week. Well, they're certainly getting the 'for worse' out of the way in a hurry. (Janice Hough)

      Plaxico Burress Award: Outfielder Bryce Brentz, one of the Red Sox's top 10 prospects, will miss much of spring training after shooting himself in the leg while cleaning his gun. There went his shot at making the opening-day roster. (Dwight Perry) 

      The U. S. Postal Service has decided to end Saturday mail deliveries later this year. The post office says customers will receive an official notice. … … … Eventually. … … … Probably. (Paul Benoit)  

      A study says that Viagra makes roses last longer. Although you should call a botanist if the flowers are pollinating for more than four hours. (Jim Barach)

      New snow total in Central Park – 11 inches. Otherwise known as a Subway Foot. (Janice Hough)

      Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address. If you're not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America's problems and Congress says, "No." (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It's just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don't want to do. (Conan O'Brien) 

      If Marco Rubio wished to promote bottled water during his State of the Union response, shouldn't he have promoted an American product instead of Nestle's brand. Nestle's is a Swiss corporation. I'm sure that if President Obama drank a foreign brand of water, every Fox news commentator would be calling for his impeachment. (Stan Kegel)

      Nancy Pelosi says she is opposed to cutting congressional pay because it would diminish the dignity of lawmakers' jobs. Fortunately, Pelosi has had so much plastic surgery she is one of the few people who actually could say that with a straight face. (Jim Barach)

      President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about. (Jay Leno)

      Now that he's suing me for five million dollars because he says he's proved that he is not the love child of an orangutan, Donald Trump must learn two things: What a joke is, and what a contract is. (Bill Maher)  

      Sports Illustrated says Kate Upton is their first back-to-back cover model since 1997. Shouldn't that be front-to-front? (RJ Currie) 

      Beyoncé says that becoming a mom has made her 'feel more like a woman'. Yeah, I know that. Before, I used to always confuse her with one of the guys. (Tim Hunter)

      CHRISTOPHER DORNER

      There is now a $1 million bounty on fugitive ex-LA cop Charles Dorner. Thinking if you're a large African-American man in Big Bear might be a good time to take a week away. (Janice Hough)

      LAPD ex-cop Chris Dorner began a cop-killing spree after he issued a manifesto denouncing his review board. In it he also praised Tim Tebow, Charlie Sheen and Larry David. Now all the celebrities he didn't mention are out helping the police try to kill him. (Argus Hamilton)

      Dorner finally met his match. (Doug Specter)

      I think Christopher Dorner is taking Ash Wednesday a bit too seriously today. (Abbe Nelson)

      The San Bernardino police surrounded cop killer Chris Dornan in a cabin in Big Bear and burned it to the ground. Everyone agreed he had it coming. The San Bernardino police are largely Protestants but that doesn't keep them from celebrating Ash Wednesday. (Argus Hamilton)

      SF Giants fans may remember that Sergio Romo wore a t-shirt to the World Series parade that said "I only look illegal." Think there's a lot of money to be made right now in shirts saying "I only look like Christopher Dorner." (Janice Hough)

      Los Angeles fugitive cop killer Chris Dorner died in a fiery shootout in a cabin in Big Bear Friday. The week-long manhunt for the former cop had L.A. cops reaching for their guns whenever they saw a tall black guy. It's an act of God that the Lakers were on the road. (Argus Hamilton)

      Anti-L.A. police leftists said Chris Dorner was murdered by cops who set fire to the cabin to kill him intentionally. Proper protocols have been maintained. Identification of his body is being delayed until his next of kindling is notified. (Argus Hamilton)

      OSCAR PISTORIUS

      Oscar Pistorius finished shamefully, leaving behind no leg-ya-see. (Doug Specter) 

      For a fellow who runs at such a fast pace, I'm surprised that he
      didn't have allegro by now. (Gary Hallock) 

      Do you know what Oscar is getting for valentine's day? 25 years to life. (Eric Hodgson)

      For a man born without fibulas Oscar Pistorius has had a fibulas
      career. When it comes to the murder of your girl friend, Oscar, one
      wishes your story will be fib you less.  (Lars Hanson)

      And the Oscar goes to … … …. Jail (Danny Johnson)

      Oscar Pistorius's uncle says the Olympic athlete is "numb with shock, as well as grief" after the death of his model girlfriend. "I feel so sorry for him" said few men and practically no women. (Janice Hough)

      THE STATE OF THE UNION

      Do you know why the White House scheduled the State of the Union address for Lincoln's birthday instead of Washington's birthday? Well, it's because Washington was famous for saying, "I cannot tell a lie." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Reportedly, President Obama's speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he'll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one. (Jay Leno)

      Texas Rep. Steve Stockman is bringing Ted Nugent as his guest to President Obama's State of the Union speech. Can you imagine if a Democrat had brought someone to a Bush SOTU who had said "if (he) becomes the president in November, again, I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year." (Janice Hough)

      This is a real break with tradition. When the president walked into the chamber, instead of "Hail to the Chief," they played "Hey, Big Spender." (Jay Leno)

      President Obama said that the American people expect us to put our Nation's interests before Party. Some probably want to impeach him for that. (Janice Hough)

      The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama says he wants to fix bridges before they fall down. Okay, which GOP governor is going to stand up first and say we don't need that wasteful government spending in our state? (Janice Hough)

      President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can't have a middle class without the rich. He's right. Just like you need "Biggie" fries to have regular-sized fries. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama proposed one hundred and sixty billion dollars in added spending to create new middle class jobs. The middle class work ethic is history in some cities. In California everyone thinks the best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment. (Argus Hamilton)

      Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very different, of course. One's a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing. And the other is the dog show. (Craig Ferguson)

      But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can't buy it, but in Washington, who knows? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Now if Rubio could talk while the Koch brothers drank a glass of water, 'that' would be big news. (Daily Kos)

      Marco Rubio says President Obama's economic plans will hurt the middle class. Shocking. Rubio believes there still is a middle class? (Janice Hough)

      How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he's reaching for the water. It's like, "Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Even Marco Rubio is playing Marco Rubio drinking games. (Brad Plumer)

      POPE BENEDICK

      Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, "Well, at least he gave me two weeks' notice." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Citing deteriorating strength, Pope Benedict shocked the world by announcing he will resign at the end of this month. This means the Pope is pooped. (TC Chong)

      I wonder if this is going to be something happening every seven years (a most holy number).  If that happens, I guess it will be coldly called the Pope-cycle. (Bert Piboin) 

      Pope Benedict resigned the papacy at the age of eighty-five, citing exhaustion. Hugh Hefner is two years older and he just married a woman in her twenties. It just shows that it's healthier to be a Methodist preacher's son than to be a direct descendant of St. Peter. (Argus Hamilton)

      I was thinkin' that Pope Benedict has certainly raised the bar when it comes to giving things up for Lent (Gil Ross)

      What do you call a Pope who resigns at breakfast time? Ex Benedict (Twitter)

      Well, Benedict XVI celebrated his last Ash Wednesday as the reigning pope.  You could tell his heart wasn't in it.  Twice during the service he referred to the holy day as Half-Ash Wednesday. (Wendel Potter)

      Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill. The Pope said he just doesn't have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn't work. (David Letterman)

      Pope Benedict, 85, is resigning because of his failing health. "Too bad,"says Larry King, "he's such a nice young man." (Janice Hough)

      The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah. (Conan O'Brien)

      As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there's just no room for advancement. It's a dead-end job. (Jay Leno)

      Pope Benedict XVI says when he retires he will remain "hidden to the world." Sort of like what the Republicans have been doing with George W. Bush. (Jim Barach)

      Before stepping aside, the Pontiff plans to clear up some unfinished business like canonizing Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky as saints and rewriting the Lord's Prayer which will now read "Our father who art in prison, pedophile is thy name." (Bob Mills)  

      The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, "I've got some stuff that can help you with that." (Jay Leno)

      Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow. (David Letterman)

      Catholic cardinals will soon convene at the Vatican to elect a new pope.  Ballots are hand-written, placed in a gold chalice, counted and burned.  Special nuns oversee the entire voting process to insure ecclesiastical accuracy.  Maybe you've heard if them -- 'The Little Sisters of the Hanging Chad'. (Bob Mills)  

      The Vatican said that because of Pope Benedict's resignation, they may speed up the conclave to replace him. Perhaps they could really go modern and have Catholics text the word "Pope" to different numbers for various candidates. (Janice Hough)

      Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel. (Craig Ferguson)

      Pope announces resignation on birthday of Sarah Palin, patron saint of quitting stuff early, (Sean Thomason)

      Pope Benedict XVI stunned the world for the second time in twenty-four hours today by announcing his decision to come out of retirement."I thought I was getting too old for this, but I’ve still got plenty left in the tank," the Pope explained. But according to one Vatican source, "The situation was a lot more complicated than people know. They told him he would have to agree not to sign with another organized religion for three years. Plus, he was going to have to give his 1.5 million Twitter followers back to the Church. The Twitter thing was the deal-breaker." (Andy Borowitz)

      CARNIVAL TRIUMPH

      The Carnival Triumph cruise turned into days of some booze, limited food, overflowing toilets and foul odors. In other words, a floating frat house. (Bill Maher)  

      A Carnival Cruise ship has been stranded for days in the Gulf of Mexico. It has no power and there is sewage leaking everywhere. It’s like Trenton, New Jersey, but with a midnight buffet. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Disabled by an engine room fire, the Carnival cruise liner Triumph had to be towed to Progresso, Mexico while 3143 passengers made do with virtually no toilets or running water.  Ever the marketing wizards, Carnival immediately scheduled a free evening of dinner, drinks, dancing and a show and titled it 'Keopectate Night'. (Bob Mills)  

      Carnival Cruise liner Triumph had a fire in the engine room off Mexico that knocked out all electricity on the ship. The food went rancid and the sewage backed up. It defeats the whole idea of taking a cruise to Mexco when you can drive there and get the same effect. (Argus Hamilton)

      My heart goes out to those poor passengers stuck on that floating bedpan in the Gulf of Mexico. For four days, 4,000 people stuck on a ship with foul odors, the toilets aren't working, and there's long lines for food. And here's the worst part. The karaoke machine is still working. (Jay Leno)

      First reports said 4,000 passengers were on the stricken Carnival Triumph, today CNN reports there are 3,143 passengers. Let's hope it's just confusion, and 857 people didn't decide to try to swim home. (Janice Hough)

      Passengers on the Carnival Cruise ship Triumph say they were scared the ship would tip over. Of course, that is a threat on any cruise ship. It can be prevented by making sure there is a buffet on the port and starboard side of the ship. (Jim Barach)

      A Carnival cruise ship is adrift off the coast of Mexico after an engine fire. Carnival is refunding passengers' fares, offering them another free cruise, and reimbursing all onboard expenses except for the casino and gift shop. Might be the only cruise in history where people wish they had had a bigger bar bill. (Janice Hough)

      Understatement of the year award to Gerald R. Cahill, CEO of Carnival: "We pride ourselves on providing our guests a great vacation experience. Clearly, we failed in this particular case." (Bill Maher)  

      HORSEMEAT IN ENGLAND

      It was reveajed Tesco's 'All Beef Hamburgers' contains 30% horse meat. I had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night. I still have a bit between my teeth. (Author Unknown)

      A woman was hospitalized after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable. (Author Unknown)

      To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian. (Author Unknown)

      Tesco burger sliders make great horse d'oeuvres. (Author Unknown)

       

      When I said, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse," Tesco listened. (Author Unknown)

      In England, packages of lasagna are being recalled because they contain 60% horsemeat. Lasagna is an Italian word that means: Mr. Ed. (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE POST OFFICE

      The U.S. Postal Service announced there will be no more Saturday deliveries starting in August. Sadly, the only way to send mail on Saturday now will be to do it instantly and free of charge on your computer. (Bobby Rich)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama spent part of of his day hanging out with preschoolers at an Early Childhood Learning Center in Georgia. Must have been a nice change to deal with people who are more mature than Congress. (Janice Hough)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Hillary Clinton is finished as secretary of state. They had a going away party for Hillary. She had a couple of drinks and admitted she doesn't know the difference between Paraguay and Uruguay. (David Letterman)

      President Obama named Sally Jewell as Interior Secretary Wednesday. She is a CEO, a former Mobil oil engineer, a banker, and born in Britain. Nobody wants to say she sounds like a Republican, but she was on the cover of Mitt Romney's binder full of women. (Argus Hamilton)

      All this hullabaloo about Chuck Hagel, a combat veteran. Can you imagine if President Obama had nominated a draft-dodger for Secretary of Defense, you know, someone like Dick Cheney? (Bill Maher)

      THE CONGRESS

      John Brennan's pro-drone-strike testimony Thursday was backed by seventy percent of Americans who approve the strikes on American traitors. It's wild. Dick Nixon would still be president if he had ordered the burglars to cancel the break-in and kill Jane Fonda. (Argus Hamilton)

      Lindsey Graham said today he'll block Obama's nominees for Defense Secretary and CIA director if the White House doesn't provide more information about Benghazi. Where was Graham's outrage over, for example, the alleged WMDs? (Janice Hough)

      THE COURTS

      Police say three people, including two women and the alleged gunman, were shot dead in at a courthouse in Delaware this morning. If we only had armed guards at courthouses. Oh wait. We do. Never mind. (Janice Hough)

      An assault trial was disrupted when the victim's prosthetic eye popped out as he was giving evidence. John Huttick was crying as he testified about the impact of losing his eye in a fight in the parking lot of a Philadelphia bar. Suddenly, his prosthetic blue eye popped out. Huttick caught it and cried out as jurors gasped and started to rise. The judge called it an "unfortunate, unforeseen incident" and granted a mistrial.  A new trial is scheduled for March. (Rich Hancock)  

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Karl Rove announced the formation of a brand new Super PAC called 'The Conservative Victory Party". Rove plans to siphon big money from donors and use it to support moderates in primary elections so Republicans no longer have to enter the generals defending some bat guano crazy candidate like Christine "I am Not a Witch" O'Donnell or Todd "Magic Fallopian Tube" Akin. Of course the Tea Party has taken great offense to this move, seeing it as incredibly counter productive to the chances of their bat guano crazy candidates. (Will Durst)

      Former V. P Dick Cheney states that President Barack Obama has jeopardized U. S. national security by nominating substandard candidates for key cabinet posts. I guess Cheney is still bitter that we're not in the second term of a McCain-Palin administration. (Janice Hough)

      Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, "If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people." (Conan O'Brien)

      The Republican party is coming out with its own line of clothes. The only problem so far is that they don't fit anybody. (Tim Hunter)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      A poll found Hillary Clinton is the most popular politician in the United States. "I guess we know who wears the pants in the family," said husband Bill. (Cam Hutchinson)

      House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it's a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a "You don't have a clue" problem. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE MILITARY

      The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend. (Conan O'Brien)

      THE STATES

      Now that marijuana is legal in Washington State, they are looking for a marijuana consultant.  Unfortunately, of all the people qualified for the job none of them has the ambition to apply. (Steve Yeich)

      A poll says that 54% of Michigan residents support a ban on assault weapons. The other 47% wouldn't come out from behind their sofa to answer any questions. (Jim Barach)

      Florida has a new law requiring all out of state drivers have "International Drivers Licenses" in English. This is so police will not have to deal with permits in languages they don't understand. Canadians make up the highest percentage of visitors so they may get an exemption. No official ruling on drivers from Quebec though. (TC Chong)

      A survey says that 65% of New Jersey voters are opposed to Geraldo Rivera running for Senate. Apparently they are already supporting a run by Snooki. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A French vanilla coffee creamer spill closed traffic on I-10 in Arizona for 12 hours. Highway officials had to close the road because they were afraid the spill could cause someone to go out of control and really get creamed. (Jim Barach)

      Someone hacked into a TV station broadcast and warned Montana viewers that they were under attack by zombies.  Of course the joke was on the hacker because nobody in Montana owns a TV. (Wendel Potter)

      A couple of days ago, an emergency broadcast in Montana announced that zombies, the living dead, had risen from the grave and were attacking the living. The police department received four phone calls. They received more phone calls when Hostess Cupcakes went out of business. (David Letterman)

      Rabbits have been eating the wiring of cars parked at Denver International Airport by eating spark plug cables. Parking companies are building 'better' fences and adding perches for predators like hawks and eagles. Large numbers of large birds near an airport, what could possibly go wrong? (Bill Maher)  

      According to a traffic study, it takes longer to get to work in Washington D.C. than in any other city in the country.  So, now members of Congress are saying, "So, that's why we never get anything done here!" (Steve Yeich)

      Census data says that one in seven households in Washington, D.C. are in the top 5% of wealth in the nation. The other six are not lobbyists or members of Congress. (Jim Barach)

      The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. (Author Unknown)

      Former San Diego Mayor Maureen O'Connor says she lost $1 Billion on gambling. It's the biggest loss on a gamble by politicians since the Republicans bet the house on Mitt Romney. (Jim Barach)

      An Oregon man is suing the US because he claims an IRS agent made him have sex with her if he wanted to avoid an audit; on the bright side, he gets to write-off the cost of his Viagra. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Police in Carol Stream, Illinois said an officer responding to a burglary walked into an MRI room at a medical office and the MRI machine's magnetism pulled away the officer's gun, which became stuck in the machine. Because there was no way to turn off the magnetism, the gun remained in place and no one was allowed inside the building. Police said the burglary is under investigation. (Rich Hancock)  

      A couple in Connecticut now has the longest marriage ever recorded in the U.S. They got married more than 80 years ago. What keeps them together? Not sure about the long haul, but this weekend, it was 3-feet of snow. (Tim Hunter)

      When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. (Author Unknown)

      A man in Florida was arrested for drunk driving on a motorized shopping cart at a Walmart. He led cops on a chase that reached 90 aisles per hour. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Darwin would be so proud. A 52 year old man who was a daily customer and unofficial spokesman for the Las Vegas restaurant "Heart Attack Grill" which serves things like an over 9,000 calorie "Quadruple Bypass Burger," went into cardiac arrest in front of the restaurant and died. (Janice Hough)

      A drunken brawl ended in quasi-cannibalism, according to Connecticut authorities. Police said a man in Stamford, Conn., bit off his cousin’s ear lobe and swallowed it during a fight over loud music. (Rich Hancock)  

      Two men are in jail in New York after being caught with 450 pounds of marijuana in Western New York. Authorities became suspicious when the local 7-11 reported being unable to keep Doritos in stock. (Janice Hough)

      THE ECONOMY

      A report says that shale oil will boost the world economy by $2.7 Trillion. Mostly in the form of oil company executive bonuses. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Warren Buffet's investment group has purchased Heinz Foods for 23 billion dollars. The outgoing President of Heinz asked Buffet if he would like ketchup with that. (TC Chong)

      Tiffany is suing Costco for selling counterfeit diamond engagement rings. They knew they were counterfeit when they were being sold in packs of 12. (Jim Barach)

      Lean Cuisine has recalled some of their frozen dinners because they may contain shards of glass. It's too bad because people were really losing weight with those. (Conan O'Brien)

      Lean Cuisine ravioli has been recalled after packages were found to contain glass fragments. What next? Horse meat? (Cam Hutchinson)

      TRANSPORTATION

      Toyota began paying off two billion dollars Friday to victims of sudden acceleration and brake problems. It was court-ordered. Regulators criticized Toyota officials for dragging their feet on this matter but that's because they were just trying to stop their cars. (Argus Hamilton)

      Today, American Airlines and US Airways have formally announced they plan to merge. This deal was supposed to finalize sometime in 2009, but delay after delay after delay … … … (TC Chong)

      American Airlines and US Airways are expected to announce a merger this week.  So if you are flying on either airline expect to be charged a merger fee. (Steve Yeich)

      US Airways and American Airlines will merge. Passengers need not worry how this will affect them. Both companies stress there will be no delays in delays. (Alan Ray)

      IMMIGRATION

      Yes, he said it. John Boehner, when asked if he was ready to talk with President Obama about a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants: "How about a little foreplay first?" Talk about an indecent proposal. (Janice Hough)

      CIVIL RIGHTS 

      In what he called "the happiest day of my life," National Rifle Association C. E.O. Wayne LaPierre marked Valentine’s Day by marrying his longtime gun, an AK-47 assault rifle. "The chemistry between us was amazing," he said. "Our first weekend together, all we did was shoot." Marriage between a human and a gun is not legal in most states, a situation that Mr. LaPierre bemoans: "For a lot of N. R.A. members it’s the only intimate relationship they’re capable of." The wedding ceremony was attended by twenty-five of Mr. LaPierre’s guns and over two hundred members of Congress. (Andy Borowitz

      NASA & SPACE

      BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Russian Meteor crash site, he is miraculously unharmed, wrapped in what seems to be a red cape. (Gill Ross)

      A 150-foot asteroid passed within 17,000 miles of Earth last week. Or to hear Bob Uecker call it, just a bit outside. (Dwight Perry)

      CANADA

      The Canadian House of Commons has passed a resolution saying they are ready for the Zombie Apocalypse. They know how to handle Zombies. There are whole stadiums of them called curling fans. (Jim Barach)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      A Guatemalan woman was arrested at Panama's international airport as she tried to enter the country with more than $31,000 in cash stashed inside her stomach. She was arrested after police conducted an X-ray of her. Talk about a tummy tuck. (Cam Hutchinson)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Wow, finding Richard III buried in a parking lot -- in England, they have kings buried in parking lots! We just have teamsters. (Bill Maher)  

      Brits are all abuzz over bones that appear to belong to King Richard III discovered buried under a parking lot near London.  Call it a coincidence, but a check of press stories shows that in 1969 Keith Richards was found asleep in the same parking lot. (Bob Mills)

      Police in a town in England are on the lookout for thieves that made off with a stash of right-footed women's shoes. I don't see the big deal. I've always had two left feet.  (Cam Hutchinson)

      A British man was arrested after 44 cellphones were found stuffed inside his bicycle shorts. He is accused of stealing the phones from patrons at a Manchester nightclub. I'm thinking he didn't have good cell coverage. (Cam Hutchinson)

      EUROPE

      Dutch Queen Beatrix said she will abdicate the throne after 33 years to turn it over to her son. "See?" said Prince Charles. (RJ Currie) 

      A homeless man in Serbia has moved into a grave after losing his home. The 43 year old man shares the burial plot with the remains of a family who died out more than 100 years ago in Nis. But after giving the grave a tombs-style makeover he says he feels at home. (Rich Hancock)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Someone recently threw a shoe at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. They say throwing a shoe is the supreme mark of disrespect in the Arab world. I would have to go with beheading. I would rather have a shoe hit my head than have my head hit my shoes. (Jay Leno)

      An amusement park is reportedly going to be built in Abbottabad, the city where Osama bin Laden was killed. So far the top names being considered are Am-Busch Gardens, Six White Flags and Buried-at-Sea World. The top attraction will be No-Tomorrow Land. (Jim Barach)

      Dubai is planning on building the world's biggest Ferris Wheel, which will reach up to nearly 70 stories high. It will be the second scariest ride in the Middle East, next to a trip down any highway in Afghanistan. (Jim Barach)

      THE FAR EAST

      Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, has issued the following letter to the citizens of the world: For decades, North Korea was threatened by hostile foes with nuclear weapons. Wi

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