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Weakly Humerus News 02-10-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 11, 2013

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-10-13



      "They do not like you Barack Obama,
      Whether on a train a, plane, or llama.

      They do not like you shooting skeet,
      They do not like you eating meat.

      They do not like you drinking beer,
      Or even if you roped a steer.

      They won't like you with the monster trucks,
      Because young man, they do not give a f**k.

      They do not like you when you pray,
      They did not like you anti-gay.

      They do not like you cutting tax,
      They could not stand when you wore your mommy slacks.

      You cannot reach across the aisle,
      'Cause everything you do is vile.

      They complained when you killed Osama!
      So on a train, a plane, or a llama,

      Rolling a 44 at Bowl-O-Rama,
      Despite your nice white Kansas mama,

      They do not like you, Barack Obama."
      (Jon Stewart)

      The U.S. Postal Service is ending Saturday mail delivery in August. They made the announcement now, in case the letter didn't arrive on time. But I've been suspecting that our government has had mail performance issues for some time. (Tim Hunter)

      The Super Bowl added $430 million to the New Orleans economy, apparently none of which was used to pay the electric bill.  (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Next year's Super Bowl will be played at the Motel 6, because they at least keep the light on for you. (Author Unknown)

      They're saying New York could receive up to 12 inches of snow this weekend. Or as Subway calls it: 11 inches. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A Scottish man has made headlines after needing hospital treatment due to an attack by an owl. I'm surprised anyone gives a hoot. (RJ Currie)

      The British House of Commons voted 400 to 175 to legalize gay marriage. So when they sing "God Save the Queen," guess Elton John is included. (Janice Hough)  

      The Arkansas House has passed a bill allowing people to take guns to church. Apparently it’s for people who want to celebrate the 1st and 2nd Amendments at the same time. (Jim Barach)  

      Boston Red Sox prospect, Bryce Brentz, accidentally shot himself in the leg a couple of weeks ago. This is nothing new to the Red Sox, since former manager Bobby Valentine shot himself in the foot many times last season. (Chad Picasner) 

      A Burger King in Britain apparently used horse meat. It's allowed the customer more options. You not only order your burger to go, but also to win, place, or show. (Alan Ray)  

      Someday I'll donate my gray matter to science. Terrible pun, but it's a no-brainer. (Ravens center Matt Birk)

      Police in a town in England are on the lookout for thieves that made off with a stash of right-footed women's shoes. I don't see the big deal. I've always had two left feet. (Cam Hutchinson)

      A report says pubic hair grooming injuries are on the rise. Those affected are reluctant to talk about it with their doctors. They often beat around the bush. (Alan Ray)  

      Prima ballerina Svetlana Lunkina may seek asylum in Canada, accusing the Russian Ballet of threats, hacked emails and an international smear campaign. Does that sound like Bolshoi? (RJ Currie)


      Super Bowl XLVII is over. The Super Bowl XLVIII pregame show starts tomorrow. (Janice Hough)

      The Super Bowl drew one hundred million viewers for CBS Sunday. The game didn't seem to matter. Half the viewers tuned in to see if Beyonce would lip-sync and the other half tuned in to see which players hugged each other a liitle too long after a big play. (Argus Hamilton)


      It's going to be quite the halftime show at the Super Bowl. Beyoncé is going to perform her smash hit 'Single Ladies', then Dan Marino will come out and sing 'Love Child'. (Jay Leno)

      Love Beyoncé. She's talented and beautiful. But her performance at the Super Bowl wasn't a halftime show. It was an aerobics class. (Mike Bianchi)

      U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé. (Conan O'Brien)

      Beyonce's halftime show reportedly caused the Super Bowl power blackout Sunday night. She stole the show at the Inaugural and she stole the show at the Super Bowl. If W.C. Fields were alive, he'd tell the president never to work with children, dogs, or Beyonce. (Argus Hamilton)

      This Super Bowl was a little different. Instead of miking up a player, a microphone was placed on Beyoncé to see if she was actually singing. (Brad Dickson)

      PETA is criticizing Beyoncé for the leather costume she wore during the Super Bowl halftime show. Or as the ball that got thrown and kicked for three solid hours put it, "Yeah, THAT'S the leather you should be worried about." (Jimmy Fallon)

      And across America how many dads are telling their daughters, "No, you are NOT dressing as Beyonce next Halloween"? (Janice Hough)  


      The lights in the Superdome went out for 33 minutes at the beginning of the third quarter. The 49ers were just standing around on the field, not knowing what to do -- and then the blackout happened. (Jimmy Fallon)

      During the Super Bowl there was a 35-minute blackout. Afterwards Lindsay Lohan said, "So that wasn't just me." (Conan O'Brien)

      The power went out for 35 minutes in the Superdome. It was the most highly viewed power outage since Obama's first debate with Romney. (David Letterman)

      The Super Bowl was interrupted by a power outage that blacked out the game for half an hour during the third quarter Sunday. No one panicked. Viewers just assumed that Ray Lewis had found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time and killed the lights. (Argus Hamilton)

      There was a power outage that is still not officially explained. When the lights first went out, it was kind of scary. They thought they'd pop back on, and we'd see one of announcers slumped over with a knife in the back. (Craig Ferguson)

      A Voodoo priestess in New Orleans says a curse on the Super Dome did not cause the power failure. Apparently that curse was lifted a couple of years ago when the Saints actually started winning some games. (Jim Barach)  

      People are still trying to figure out why the power went out Sunday at the Super Bowl. Today they found out the reason. Turns out China cut off the electricity for nonpayment of our bill. (Jay Leno)

      A power outage during a Super Bowl in Louisiana -- but don't worry. FEMA said they will be there no later than Thursday. (David Letterman)

      Meanwhile on Fox News wonder how long it took them to blame the power outage on Obama? (Janice Hough)  

      Experts checking electrical circuits and power boards are at a loss to explain why banks of  stadium lights suddenly failed during the Super Bowl.  If the blackout is anything like the big one in New York, come November New Orleans hospitals will be flooded with live births. (Bob Mills)

      They had the Super Bowl blackout and now we're learning that they also lost the Super Bowl trophy. The Lombardi Trophy — they give you that giant silver football, and now it's missing. So that explains the blackout. It was a heist! (David Letterman)

      NFL Commissioner GODdell has suspended the Superdome electricians for an entire year. (TC Chong)

      Did anyone else hear the ghost of Dandy Don singing, “Turn out the lights, the party’s over” when Baltimore went ahead 28-6? (TC Chong)

      THE GAME

      They may have lost in the end but San Francisco 49ers came close enough to taking the lead in the fourth quarter that the Baltimore Ravens almost sent a coach to see if they could pull the plug on the Superdome lights again. (Janice Hough)

      If San Francisco 49ers came back to win this Super Bowl would players have voted a game share to the Superdome electricians? (Janice Hough)  

      Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco was voted Super Bowl MVP Sunday. While accepting the award after the game he announced that he and his wife are expecting their first child. He faces a ten thousand dollar fine from the NFL Players Union for fidelity. (Argus Hamilton)


      What a kooky Super Bowl it was. Strange stories keep coming out. During the Ravens' celebration, it was revealed the Super Bowl trophy went missing. Coach John Harbaugh called his mother and said, "Make Jim give it back. Make him give it back now!" (Conan O'Brien)

      Ray Lewis gets to go out a champion, in a swirl of confetti, controversy and deer-antler spray. Ain't that a fine how-do-you-doe? (RJ Currie)

      According to Smart Money Magazine, 22% of Americans say they are less productive the day after the Super Bowl. Government workers, however, were unaffected since they are always unproductive. (Steve Yeich)

      The folks at Jell-O say they will hand out thousands of free cups of their colorful dessert Tuesday in the city of the losing Super Bowl team. Fans will get their choice of flavors -- lime, orange or sour grape. (Dwight Perry)

      Did you see Ray Lewis in the post-game Super Bowl interview hand-wrestling Jim Nantz for the microphone? It looked like a Harbaugh handshake. (RJ Currie)

      After the game, Baltimore quarterback Joe Flacco announced his wife is pregnant. Apparently he went against NFL rules and impregnated the woman that he is married to. (Conan O'Brien)

      After the game, Baltimore quarterback Joe Flacco announced his wife is pregnant. For those of you keeping stats at home, that would be another completion. (Tim Hunter)


      A lot of people just watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. They watch the commercials because they find them more entertaining than the game itself. That's why a lot of people watch this show. (David Letterman) 

      Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave. (Conan O'Brien) 

      Roger Goodell somewhere may be asking, "Just hypothetically, how much would it cost to put a temporary roof on the Meadowlands, just for say, one Sunday in 2014." Suddenly that little 34 minute delay at the Super Dome doesn't seem so bad. (RJ Currie)

      Next year’s Super Bowl may not have a half time show because it will be played in New Jersey and is expected to be too cold. Which means Justin Bieber will be trying for the year after that, when he will be old enough to stay up past 9:30. (Jim Barach)  


      Immigration is the big issue they're working on in Washington. They want to create a 'path to citizenship'. You have to pass a background check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 – gone. (Bill Maher)

      House Republicans held a hearing on immigration Tuesday looking for a middle way between amnesty and deportations. Illegal immigrants pay no income taxes and the government has no control over them. They're the Republicans the Republicans have long dreamed of being. (Argus Hamilton)

      I would urge the Republicans who are still not behind this to consider the alternative; picking our own damn strawberries. (Bill Maher)


      Football players have been noticing what seemed to be little horns coming out of Ray Lewis' helmet. Some of them thought he was the devil. Now they are relieved to know that it is just deer antlers. (Steve Yeich)

      Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez just got hit with PED allegations again. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse, sources say it's centaur-hoof spray. (Dwight Perry)

      More bad news for A-Rod. It looks like there is more evidence linking Alex Rodriguez to a Miami doctor who prescribed performance-enhancing drugs. Here's how bad it is for A-Rod. He is now favored to win this year's Tour de France. (Jay Leno)

      The Boston Red Sox and MLB apparently are saying that Curt Schilling's claim that someone on the Red Sox medical staff suggested he take PED's in 2008 is "completely baseless." Translation: Nobody put anything in writing. Up in Boston, things are colder than Curt Schilling's current relations with the Red Sox. (RJ Currie)

      Ryan Braun now admits he's on client list of alleged PED specialist Anthony Bosch but says it's only because his lawyers used Bosch as a consultant. Guess Braun prefers that to saying he'd gone to Bosch on behalf of his imaginary girlfriend? (Janice Hough)  

      By the way, I tried some of that deer-antler spray the other day. It didn't make me feel any better, but at night I got these uncontrollable urges to run out of the woods and dart in front of cars. (Mike Bianchi) 

      When I heard about deer-antler spray, I said, "That's nothing." We used to use this stuff called DMSO. That's what veterinarians put on horses' muscles. You put it on your skin and you put it on a muscle, and I guarantee you, in about 30 minutes you'd feel great. (Tony Casillas)


      The U.S. Postal Service announced that, starting in August, there will be no Saturday delivery. It doesn't take effect till August because it has to notify all the post offices by mail. (Brad Dickson)

      The Post Office will end Saturday deliveries. People who look forward to receiving mail over the weekend feel like the packages they often get. Crushed. (Alan Ray)  

      The U. S. Postal Service announced they are ending Saturday delivery of the mail. Now if you have a problem and you want to complain, you can email them at USPS.com. (Jay Leno)

      Many Americans are upset about the Post Office's decision to stop delivering mail on Saturdays. In fact, millions of them are posting on Facebook or Twitter about it. (Janice Hough)  


      Crossroad of the West gun shows warned of a nationwide bullet shortage Friday due to panic buying. That's okay. It could boost the attendance in biology class in Chicago schools when shooters realize they'll have to dissect their victims to get their bullets back. (Argus Hamilton)


      President Barack Obama and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell -- who have daughters only -- are diametrically split as to whether they'd allow their son to play football. But no comment on whether they'd let their mythical sons date Lennay Kekua. (Dwight Perry)

      Donald Trump has demanded Obama produce his Skeet-Shooting Certificate. Now we know the President is gonna’ refuse, by giving us the B.S. Story that you don’t actually need to be certified to shoot a rifle in this country. (Don Davis)

      Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president. He said it invalidated the whole thing. (Jay Leno)

      A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy. (Jay Leno)

      In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun. (Bill Maher)

      The Justice Department released a memo backing President Obama's power to order drone strikes to kill U.S. citizens overseas in al-Qaeda. He's on a roll. This follows the release of last week's Justice Department memo asserting the president's authority to shoot skeet. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare. (Jay Leno)

      A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn't that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding. (Conan O'Brien)


      Run for president
      Lose, then run State Department
      Hillary and John
      (Guy Ben-Moshe)

      Hillary Clinton retired from her Secretary of State position. Obama awarded her with a gold plated pants suit. (Steve Yeich)

      John Kerry says he has some “big heels to fill” in his role as Secretary of State. That hasn’t been said since the person who took over for J. Edgar Hoover. (Jim Barach)  

      The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it's time to move on, while his mother says he's still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him. (David Letterman)

      Energy Secretary Henry Chu resigned to go back to academia on Friday. He left quite a legacy. The next Energy Secretary's job is to award U.S. government grants to solar power companies that can stay in business at least until the president is safely out of office. (Argus Hamilton)


      Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what the government's come down to now? We're selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface? (Jay Leno)

      Senator Bob Menendez was caught in a little scandal. Apparently he's been going down to Puerto Rico and getting underage prostitutes. He denies it. But he says the path to citizenship passes through his pants. (Bill Maher)

      Two prostitutes claim that New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. Is anyone surprised by this anymore, politicians frequenting with prostitutes? That's like being surprised that a policeman would eat a donut. (Steve Yeich)

      The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This is my kind of Senator -- socially liberal and fiscally conservative. (Bill Maher)

      A Florida eye doctor has been accused of providing Senator Menendez with the prostitutes. It makes sense that it was an eye doctor, he could find the hookers with bad eye sight so they were less likely to know they were having sex with a politician. (Steve Yeich)


      Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today. Because they don't care about winning elections. They care about separating rubes from their money. They've discovered there's a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack. From Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global warming hoaxers; it doesn't matter. They don't want a majority. They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out there who think that there's a War on Christmas, and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of the world is coming. (Bill Maher)

      Six GOP governors have now at least partially changed their mind about Obamacare and have decided to accept expanding Medicaid for their state's health insurance programs. Proving again the axiom that 'The only truly wasteful government spending is spending that doesn't benefit me personally'. (RJ Currie)

      Louisiana Republican Governor Bobby Jindal inflamed GOP conservatives last week by saying Republicans have got to stop being the stupid party. Democrats were also furious at what Governor Jindal said. They insist that the proper term is learning-impaired. (Argus Hamilton)


      Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC on her behalf called "Ready for Hillary." And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another super PAC called "Bracing for Biden." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Bill Clinton made a reference to Viagra at the funeral of former New York Mayor Ed Koch. Apparently he misunderstood when someone told him he needed to say a few words about a stiff. (Jim Barach)  


      Twenty percent of Marines say they will leave the Corps if women are allowed on the front lines because  they would change the very nature of warfare.  Objections ranged from the embarrassment of asking a stranger for directions from the window of a tank to hitting the beach and having to head for the nearest shoe store. (Bob Mills)

      Citing budgetary concerns, the United States announced today that it would discontinue regular Saturday drone strikes on U. S. citizens, beginning in 2014. the move to cut back drone service drew sharp criticism from a longtime defender of the program, the former Vice-President Dick Cheney. "Like most Americans, I thought I'd never see the day when drones just up and take Saturdays off," he said. "This would never be happening if I were still President." White House spokesman Jay Carney assured reporters that drones could "still get the job done" Monday through Friday, and reminded U. S. citizens to update the government on any change of address so the drones would know where to reach them. (Andy Borowitz)


      The Arkansas House has passed a bill allowing people to take guns to church. Apparently it’s for people who want to celebrate the 1st and 2nd Amendments at the same time. (Jim Barach) 

      California is expected to end the year with a budget surplus of $36 Million. Apparently Governor Jerry Brown was able to save a fortune just by cutting back on the number of people who were on the housecleaning staff when Arnold Schwarzenegger was governor. (Jim Barach)  

      Texas is making a push to get California businesses to move to their state for lower taxes. The only problem is finding any businesses in California that make guns, beer or truck accessories. (Jim Barach)  

      The joys of a 74 yr. old governor with no aspirations for higher office and nothing to prove anymore: Jerry Brown, when asked about a $24,000 radio ad Rick Perry ran in Calif. promoting doing business in Texas: "Its not a serious story guys, It’s like a little radio ad and you guys run like lap dogs to report it. It’s not a burp, it’s barely a fart. (Janice Hough)  

      Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner. (Jay Leno)

      The state of Washington is looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. So far, they've had quite a few very experienced candidates, but none of them remember that they applied. (Tim Hunter)

      The state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about. (Jay Leno)

      Idaho State Sen. John Goedde has come up with a bill requiring students to read Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” as a high school graduation requirement. Right. The book is 1088 pages. Wonder how many legislators have read it. (Janice Hough)  


      Mayor Bloomberg is on a campaign to make New York City a better place to live. Guess what he's done now? He's outlawing Styrofoam cups. He wants New York City to have the nation's toughest cup control laws. (David Letterman)

      Despite the imminent blizzard, Justin Bieber fans have remained camped out in New York City in hopes of getting tickets for his SNL appearance.  While it would be awful if anyone died, at least they would be removed from the gene pool before breeding. (RJ Currie)

      A book checked out in 1958 was returned last week to the New York Public Library. "It's not mine," said George Bush. (Cam Hutchinson)

      A New York Public Library branch said a book was returned this week after being checked out in 1958. The book was borrowed 55 years ago and arrived at the facility Monday wrapped in a plain brown envelope which contained a check for $100, but no note or other explanation for its tardiness. The check will more than cover any late fees for the book. (Rich Hancock)

      Signs have been set up in Bullhead City, Ariz., warning of burro crossings after several road accidents. Officials said there have been 20 jackass sightings, including one that looks like Lance Armstrong. (Cam Hutchinson)


      The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn't been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn't such a socialist. (Bill Maher)

      Visa profits went up 25% in the Fourth Quarter of 2012. Mostly because that’s the same amount their interest rates went up. (Jim Barach)  

      I'd love to go to Tokyo. It's not just expensive; it's also one of the most crowded cities in the world. A city full of people with thick wallets? It makes me pine for the days when I was a Dickensian pickpocket. Paris finished number eight. The people in France were very annoyed today. Then they heard about the list. And then they said, "Just do not raise the price of soft cheese." (Craig Ferguson)


      Several perfumes for babies are now on the market. Apparently it’s for people who don’t have time to change those smelly diapers every day. (Jim Barach)  

      The Department of Justice is trying to block Anheuser-Busch from buying Corona. So they did what everyone else does -- got their older brother to buy it for them. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Home Depot plans to hire 80,000 new employees. The CEO said, "If your skills are avoiding customers and hiding in the break room, give us a call." (Conan O'Brien)

      A study says that the bigger a CEOs signature, the more likely they are to be a narcissist. The biggest way to tell if a CEO is a narcissist is if their signature says 'Donald Trump'. (Jim Barach)  


      Prices at the pump are going up again. Soon the only opportunity for cheap gas may be Taco Bell's 'Value Menu'. (RJ Currie)

      Gas prices have reached the highest level ever for a February. Good news for Shell revenues worldwide. The oil company will clean up everywhere but the restrooms. (Alan Ray)  

      Gasoline prices are back up to $4 a gallon in California. Between that and the cost of Botox, Beverly Hills women are having to decide on whether to have a full tank or full lips. (Jim Barach)  

      The Auto Club reported that gas prices hit an all-time high for February, passing four dollars a gallon in Los Angeles. It hurts everyone. During the morning rush hour, Los Angeles cops pulled over a van heading into downtown and found fifty legal Americans in it. (Argus Hamilton)

      A study says that increasing the price of alcohol by 10% would cause an immediate and significant drop in alcohol related deaths. However, people who aren’t driving drunk anymore now will be able to text while they are driving about how they are sober. (Jim Barach)  

      Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport has gotten the most top ratings on a business travel survey. Apparently the TSA agents there exhibit real southern charm and manners while they conduct all their strip searches. (Jim Barach)  

      An airline flight attendant was fired for being photographed flipping off the passengers. To which all airlines agreed with the punishment, saying that was their job. (Jim Barach)  

      Budget carrier Air Asia has launched a kid-free "quiet zone" in the first seven rows of Economy Class.  Not to be outdone, Delta has replaced several overhead bins with cages into which unruly moppets are  tossed and later made to appear in scenes from 'Oliver!' performed for passengers in First Class. (Bob Mills)


      There's been an increasing rash of thefts of smartphones lately, especially Apple products. I see a new marketing slogan for Blackberry, 'Thieves don't want our phones'. (RJ Currie)

      NASA & SPACE

      Actress Coco Brown, who paid $100,000 to be the first porn star in space, says she may flash a boob up there. This could put a new spin on, "Gentlemen, we have lift off." (RJ Currie)

      Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to become the first Iranian to go into outer space. He wants to study the effects of anti-gravity on anti-Semitism. (Jay Leno)


      The Canadians got rid of their penny today. There are no more one-cent coins in Canada. So now if you're in Canada, and say to someone "a penny for your thoughts," that is now illegal. They will put you in jail. (Craig Ferguson)

      The penny has been dropped in Canada this week. So this means inflation has moved us officially from putting in your 2 cents worth to 2 bits worth. (TC Chong)

      Remember the expression, "Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck?" Well, what are they supposed to do in Canada now? Without the penny, everyone in Canada is now doomed to a luck-free life of clean air, civilized social discourse, and free health insurance. (Craig Ferguson)

      Canadians have a one-dollar coin. They call it the loonie. Here in America, the loonie is what we call Mel Gibson. (Craig Ferguson)

      Botanists claim the maple leaf on Canada's new $20 bill isn't really Canadian. They also claim the Toronto Maple Leafs aren't really a hockey team. (RJ Currie)


      A Guatemalan woman was arrested at a Panama airport with $31,000 in cash in her stomach. She is being charged with planning to pass some bad bills. Talk about money that is going to have to be laundered. (Jim Barach)


      The British House of Commons voted 400 to 175 to legalize gay marriage. So when they sing "God Save the Queen," guess Elton John is included. (Janice Hough)  

      In England, beef lasagna products are being recalled for containing over 60% horse meat. I’ve bet on entries at Santa Anita that weren't 60% horse meat. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Burger Kings in England admitted to using horse meat in their hamburgers; when asked how many years they’ve been using horse meat, one Burger King executive stomped out the number four with his foot. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Scientists have found the remains of England's King Richard III under a parking lot. Unfortunately, they couldn't find his ticket. So he'll be charged the day rate. (Conan O'Brien)

      The bones of King Richard III were found under a parking lot in England. Apparently he now owes £3,564,000 in parking fees. ThIS gives new meaning to long term parking. The new slogan for that parking lot: 'Parking Fit For A King'. (Maurizio Mariotti)

      The media mogul Rupert Murdoch stunned the world of British antiquities today by purchasing the newly discovered remains of Richard III for a hundred million dollars. "This is a dream come true for me," Mr. Murdoch told reporters, "Richard III is more than an important historical figure to me. He's a role model." Mr. Murdoch said he was baffled why his purchase of Richard III had proven so controversial: "This is far from the first time I've bought a British leader." (Andy Borowitz) 

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