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Weakly Humerus News 02-03-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-03-13 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Video games is a bigger problem than guns, because video games affect people.
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 4, 2013
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-03-13
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Video games is a bigger problem than guns, because video games affect people. (Sen. Lamar Alexander [R-TN])

      Former NFL quarterback Dan Marino has admitted to fathering a secret child back in 2005. I don't know why people are surprised -- the Dolphins never gave him good protection. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Why should they continue the Pro Bowl? Sunday night's Pro Bowl did an overnight rating of 7.7. The 2012 World Series had an average rating of 7.6. Case closed. (Len Berman) 

      Ndamukong Suh is one of the competitors in ABC's new celebrity diving show. I'm thinking it'll be a flop. (RJ Currie)  

      Of course God cares about football. He created a girlfriend for Manti Te'o out of nothing. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Are you thrilled about Super Bowl XLVII? Are you ready to go? The 50-yard line is where you'd want to sit, right? From there you are so close you can smell the deer antler spray. (David Letterman)  

      Dutch Queen Beatrix says she will abdicate the throne after 33 years to turn it over to her son. When asked why she is letting her son take over as King of the Netherlands, she said, "Wooden Shoe?" (Jim Barach)

      A price war has left stores in Norway out of diapers. Which is OK since people claim the babies there are too Pampered anyway. (Jim Barach)

      So let me get this straight, Joe Flacco is getting more grief Super Bowl week for calling playing next year's game in NJ 'retarded', which he quickly corrected, than Ray Lewis is getting about those two guys who ended up stabbed to death in 2000? And Ray himself is only getting grief about -- deer antler spray. (Janice Hough)  

      Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis vehemently denied an SI report that he used a banned deer-antler spray to speed his recovery from a torn triceps. Although, he had to admit, it's getting tougher and tougher by the day to get his helmet on. (Dwight Perry)  

      The fattest restaurant entree' in America is the Cheesecake Factory's Bistro Shrimp at over 3,000 calories, making the Cheesecake factory the 'in place' for people who are already overweight and thinking of committing suicide. (Steve Yeich)

      Burger King admitted it has been selling burgers containing horsemeat in Britain. The fast food chain had vehemently denied allegations for the past few weeks. When Burger King officials tell a lie, it's a Whopper. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Canada is dropping the penny February 4th! No more will be made! We're getting closer to saying, "Those Canadians -- they have no cents!" (Tim Hunter)

      The P. G. A. is considering a ban on long-shafted belly putters because the club rests against the player's body called 'anchoring'.  Supporters of the ban include Rory McElroy, Steve Stricker and Tiger Woods.  Of course Tiger is against it. A longer shaft makes the club easier for a woman to use as a weapon. (Bob Mills) 

      According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't. (Jay Leno)

      The media must give President Obama a few more days before they start covering the 2016 presidential race. They're already speculating about Biden and Hillary. Come on, even Taylor Swift gives a guy a little more time than that. And why is she America's sweetheart? She's 17 and she's gone out with more men than Joan Crawford. (Bill Maher)  

      Tina Turner moved to Switzerland Friday as France's richest man moved to Belgium to flee high taxes. Gerard Depardieu moved to Russia and Phil Mickelson is wavering. If there's ever going to be life on Mars it's going to be rich people escaping these governments. (Argus Hamilton)

      Taylor Swift is going to star in a Diet Coke ad campaign. Two weeks later, she is going to star in a Diet Pepsi campaign. Two weeks later, she is going to star in a Diet-7 Up campaign. (Cam Hutchinson)  

      Rabbits are causing problems at Denver International Airport by chewing on the wires of cars in the parking lots. Airport officials say those rabbits shouldn't even be there. They belong at O'Hare. (Jim Barach)

      SUPER BOWL XLVII

      The Baltimore Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII 34-31. They are credited with having the best defense since Ray Lewis' legal team got him off the hook for murder. (Jim Barach)

      They may have lost in the end but San Francisco 49ers came close enough to taking the lead in the fourth quarter that the Baltimore Ravens almost sent a coach to see if they could pull the plug on the Superdome lights again. (Janice Hough)

      The San Francisco 49ers almost came back from a 22-point deficit in Super Bowl XLVII. It would have been the biggest comeback ever that didn't involve a government bailout. (Jim Barach)

      John Harbaugh, taking a safety and running the clock down to 4 seconds at the end of the Super Bowl - basically telling his younger brother "Age and treachery can overcome youth and skill." (Janice Hough)

      The Super Bowl in New Orleans will pit brother against brother as coaches Jim and John Harbaugh helming the 49ers and Ravens go head-to-head.  In fact, the match up is so historic, the NFL has agreed to bend the rules and refer to it from now on in their record books as the "Cain & Abel Bowl." (Bob Mills)

      On Sunday the San Francisco 49ers battle the Baltimore Ravens. A study conducted by a religious research institute says 27 percent of Americans believe God has a hand in determining which team wins. So if you're praying for a new kidney this Sunday, sorry, God has the Ravens and the 49ers. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      On Sunday the 49ers take on the Ravens in Super Bowl. Here's what I don't get. They spend a lot of money on the commercials. Shouldn't they run the beer and chip commercials BEFORE the Super Bowl? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      According to the National Chicken Council, Americans will eat 1.23 billion wings on Super Bowl Sunday. "That is astonishing. I don't mean that number. I mean that there is a National Chicken Council. (Greg Cote)

      AJ McCarron's girlfriend is covering the Super Bowl for “Inside Edition.” Considering how many people go to “Inside Edition” for their Super Bowl news, they may as well hire Manti Te'o's girlfriend. (Brad Dickson)

      A Baltimore Ravens cheerleader was left off the team’s Super Bowl squad after gaining less than two pounds: Kate Moss has suggested she go on the Biggest Loser. (Bill Littlejohn)

      A Baltimore Ravens' cheerleader claims she is being barred from the game after she told the Ravens she's quitting after this season. There wasn't a dry eye in the room when she had to turn in the dental floss and two postage stamps that serve as her uniform. (Brad Dickson)

      A zoo in California announced that its monkey has randomly picked the 49ers to win the Super Bowl. And not surprisingly, the zoo's deer picked Ray Lewis and the Ravens. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Three of the nation's most respected prognosticators -- Princess the Popcorn Park (N.J.) Zoo camel, Chaco the Virginia Zoo armadillo, and Eli the Hogle (Utah) Zoo ape -- all say the Ravens will win Super Bowl XLVII. What, you were expecting Terry, Howie and Jimmy? (Dwight Perry)

      U.S. Immigration and Customs officers conducted 'Operation Red Zone' that seized over $1.3 million worth of phony NFL-logoed items including jerseys, hats, banners, and bobble head dolls. Largest haul was a crate from China containing 750 'San Fernando 49ers' helmets and 1600 'Baltimore Raisins' sweat shirts. (Bob Mills)

      There's a petition going around asking President Obama to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday. That's a good idea. After a long, exhausting day of sitting on the couch watching TV, I need a day off. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      DEAR ANTLER SPRAY & PED

      In Chinese Herbal medicine, deer antler is used as an aphrodisiac. Alabama, LSU and Auburn college football teams are also alleged to have used deer antler spray. Brent Musberger must be bathing in it. (TC Chong)

      The Super Bowl between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens is this weekend. The big news today is that Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis may have used a performance-enhancing substance called deer antler extract. That explains how Lewis has been preparing for the game -- staring into a set of headlights. (Jimmy Fallon)

      One of the big Super Bowl stories is Baltimore Ravens linebacker, Ray Lewis, is accused of using a banned substance, deer antler extract, to rehab his torn triceps. Lewis denied it, but I am not sure, after practice he was seen on all fours slurping water from a brook. (Alex Kaseberg)

      That bastion of good citizenship, Ray Lewis, has been linked to PEDs, too. In his case, it's 'Deer Antler Spray'. 'Deer Antler Spray'? Really? What does that do? It sounds like it would just make you 'horny'. (Chad Picasner)  

      Sports Illustrated says Ray Lewis used deer antler extract to heal his arm. The antler hormone boosts muscle and acts as an aphrodisiac. Vikings used to take one bite out of their helmet whenever they'd get that two o'clock feeling halfway through sacking a city. (Argus Hamilton)

      In Chinese Herbal medicine, deer antler is used as an aphrodisiac. This week, Ray Lewis and Vijay Singh have both admitted to using it in the past. I can see why Vijay might need it for golf, but what good is a “stiff shaft” when you’re trying to tackle somebody. (TC Chong)

      The deer-antler spray controversy continues. And there's a chance Ray Lewis will be the player after the Super Bowl who says, "I'm going to Disneyland."  Just in case someone keep that man away from Bambi. (Janice Hough)

      Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis once again denied using the banned substance deer antler velvet extract. He says these accusations are nothing more than a trick of the devil. Today Patriots coach Bill Belichick said, "Why am I getting dragged into this? I had nothing to do with it." (Jay Leno)

      Alex Rodriguez has been implicated in another potential PED scandal, but he denies using any drugs recently. And why should we doubt a man who already told us in 2009 that the only time he lied about using illegal PEDs was from 2001-03. (Janice Hough)

      Recent reports state some Alabama football players dabbled with deer-antler spray. An unexpected result, they now get down in an 8-point stance. (Alan Ray)

      Is any sport safe from the scourge of performance-enhancing drugs? Olympic gold medalist Jim Armstrong of Canada will be suspended for 18 months after testing positive for Tamoxifen, a breast-cancer drug that serves as an estrogen-blocker. Who's Jim Armstrong, you ask? He's a Paraolympic curler. (Dwight Perry) 

      A Miami anti-aging clinic allegedly sold PED’s to MLB players. A team full of juicers changes the culture of the club. It brings new meaning to the phrase 'playing small ball'. (Alan Ray)

      More trouble in the world of big-time athletics and steroid use. Turns out now that Alex Rodriguez may have been using performance-enhancing drugs for quite a long time. Calling Oprah! (David Letterman)  

      The sex enhancement pill Super Power for men has been recalled over health issues. There’s an expiration date on the package. And for most guys, it’s maybe 10 minutes. (Alan Ray)

      BEYONCE

      Already the Obama administration has been rocked by scandal. Beyonce lip-syncing; or at least we think she was lip-synching. Manti Te'o said it sounded very real to him. (Bill Maher)

      This Super Bowl will be a little different. Instead of miking up a player, a microphone will be placed on Beyonce to see if she's actually singing. (Brad Dickson)

      Beyonce is rehearsing her half time show by practicing to lip sync both her own and Madonna's songs. Just in case a malfunction plays last year's soundtrack. (TC Chong)

      While her crew and band will be paid, Beyonce herself apparently will not receive payment for her Super Bowl performance. But the NFL and Pepsi will pick up production costs. Wonder if that includes the costs of pre-recording a tape? (Janice Hough)

      The Grammys will be given out February 10. The show will open with a moment of silence. Beyonce will sing the national anthem. (Alan Ray)

      THE PRO BOWL

      The NFL Pro Bowl was played Sunday in Hawaii; none of the players playing in the Super Bowl can play. Most of the top players opt out due to injury. That makes the Pro Bowl the most useless thing in sports not named the Los Angeles Lakers. (Alex Kaseberg)

      In the NFL Pro Bowl, the NFC routed the AFC 62-35. The MVP was the one guy still watching on TV at the end. (Brad Dickson)

      MANTI TE'O

      Manti Te'o was a standout college football player in love with a young girl that he's never seen or met. So the kid goes on Katie Couric's show and says his life has changed because of this. Now he's everywhere. Tomorrow he'll be on Rachel Ray's show. He'll be cooking imaginary coconut prawns. (David Letterman)  

      Enough with the Te'o girlfriend hoax story already. It's turned into a Tuiasosopo opera. (RJ Currie) 

      Today Dr. Phil spoke to the guy who was behind the Manti Te'o hoax in a special two-part episode of 'Dr. Phil'. That's when you know somebody's really screwed up -- when Dr. Phil needs two shows to fix him. (Jay Leno)

      WOMEN IN THE MILITARY

      The Pentagon lifted the ban this week on women being able to serve. Yes, women can now serve in front line combat positions, proving that women will follow gay men anywhere. (Bill Maher)  

      The Pentagon lifted the ban on women serving in the front lines of combat in the U.S. Army. The girls must get through basic training camp. After nine weeks of fighting off the advances of the finest young fighting men in the world, the Taliban should be a breeze. (Argus Hamilton)

      Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta lifted the ban on women serving in combat units Thursday. It's a breakthrough. This will be the first time women who are working in a trailer out in Nevada are firing drone missiles instead of entertaining conventioneers. (Argus Hamilton)

      Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions. (David Letterman)

      THE POST OFFICE

      The price of a stamp goes up a penny today, to 46 cents. To make sure everyone received the news promptly, the U. S. Postal Service announced it by email. Some people think email has ruined the art of letter writing. I disagree. Email has us writing more than ever. But email has ruined the art of licking. Most stamps these days are self-adhesive. You don't even need to lick them anymore. So now I've got all this extra saliva. (Craig Ferguson)

      The U. S. Postal Service raised the price of a stamp yesterday. Stamps are something that the pilgrims used before we had the Internet. It will now cost you 46 cents to mail a letter. Some people are complaining about the price even though it's a penny more than the old price. You're not allowed to spend $4 on a cup of coffee and complain about a cent. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Pity the U.S. Postal Service. Not only has Lance Armstrong refused to return the millions they paid him, but the stamp with his portrait they hoped would sell big had to be yanked after several test subjects suffered a bad reaction to the glue. It gave them an uncontrollable desire to store their urine in the refrigerator. (Bob Mills) 

      The Post Office is issuing a stamp honoring Johnny Cash. It's the first time in decades the Post Office can actually say it is making Cash. (Jim Barach)

      THE NRA & GUN CONTROL

      In testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee today, National Rifle Association C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre warned that the N.R.A. would vigorously oppose any legislation that 'limits the sale, purchase, or ownership of politicians'.  The N.R.A. leader ended his testimony by serving notice that he would 'resist any attempt' to take away the hundreds of elected officials he says are legally his. (Andy Borowitz)

      Sylvester Stallone says he supports a ban on assault weapons. He is also apparently against speech therapy and acting lessons. (Jim Barach)

      The White House’s attempt to portray President Obama as a gun user may have had unintended consequences today, as a newly released photo of Mr. Obama firing a rifle at Camp David set off a panic of gun buying across the US. Right-wing opponents of Mr. Obama were behind the frenzied gun sales, saying that they were terrified by the image of an armed and shooting President. Harland Dorrinson said,  "I don't want to sound paranoid or anything, but now everything Obama has been doing makes sense, He wants to take away all our guns and then he's going to come shoot us." In an effort to stem the panic, White House spokesman Jay Carney said today that skeet shooting took up relatively little of the President’s time at Camp David. The White House later released a photo of Mr. Obama putting away his gun and never using it again. (Andy Borowitz)

      A missile launcher showed up at a gun buy back program in Seattle. Apparently the owner decided it was more fun to go deer hunting with a weapon that actually made it possible to find some of the venison. (Jim Barach)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama delivered his inaugural address, which set a more liberal tone for his second term, especially the part where he showered the crowd with birth control pills. (Seth Meyers)

      President Obama flew to Las Vegas today to reveal his immigration reform proposal for allowing illegal aliens to have a pathway to citizenship. Californians are confused. We thought illegal aliens already had a pathway to citizenship. It's called the San Diego Freeway. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama offered illegal aliens a citizenship plan in Las Vegas. No one likes it. Conservatives say it's amnesty, liberals say it's too harsh on illegal aliens and Las Vegas casinos don't like the fact that Indian casinos get them first as they come through Arizona. (Argus Hamilton)

      The president just announced that same-sex couples will be included in his immigration reform bill. When they heard, same-sex couples were like, "You know we're already citizens, right?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Last night President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on '60 Minutes' for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Many were surprised to see Hillary Clinton looking so comfortable with President Obama on '60 Minutes'. But on the other hand, Barack has done a lot more for Hillary's reputation than the last Democratic president. (Janice Hough)  

      President Obama said Sunday he's not sure he'd allow his son to play football due to the risk of head injuries. It caused quite a stir. Five minutes after the imaginary son was revealed, the Enquirer released a picture of him with Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama said that NFL players are grown men who are "well-compensated for the violence they do to their bodies," but that college players with concussions "have nothing to fall back on." That's something that I'd like to see the NCAA think about." Responded the NCAA, "Sorry, we're too busy looking into free meals and tattoos". (Janice Hough)  

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Hillary Clinton says as Secretary of State she identifies most with William Seward. She feels he helped her get the position when he bought Alaska which gave us Sarah Palin which gave President Obama the election which got her the job. (Jim Barach).

      The Senate has overwhelmingly approved John Kerry as the next secretary of state. In his farewell speech today to the Senate, Kerry spoke for 51 minutes. So, apparently he does believe in torture. John Kerry is the first white male to hold that job since 1997. So finally middle-aged white guys with gray hair are breaking through the glass ceiling. (Jay Leno)

      We have a new secretary of state, John Kerry, former senator from Massachusetts. For four years Hillary Clinton served as the secretary of state, and in a moving ceremony today Hillary official turned over the pants suit. (David Letterman)  

      John Kerry promised to divest his stock holdings that might pose a conflict of interest if he's confirmed. He and his wife own a lot of defense industry stocks. He could be the first Secretary of State to double his net worth by intentionally screwing up peace talks. (Argus Hamilton)

      All this controversy over Chuck Hagel as potential Defense secretary. Well, suppose it's what President Obama gets for nominating a Democrat with no military experience. Uh, wait... never mind. (Janice Hough)

      Former GOP congressman Ray LaHood is stepping down as Transportation Secretary, but says he thought it was 'the best job' he's ever had in public service, and that he liked working for Obama. Is LaHood also trying to get kicked out of the Republican Party? (Janice Hough)

      THE CONGRESS

      The U.S. Senate agreed to name the new interstate highway bridge in St. Louis over the Mississippi after Stan Musial. There's nothing to worry about. Ten years ago St. Louis named a six-lane freeway after Mark McGwire and within a few years it was sixteen lanes. (Argus Hamilton)

      Can we let Texas secede, please? Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) dismissed Obama's nominees Chuck Hagel and John Kerry as "very prominently less than ardent fans of the U.S. military." Right, and neither of these combat veterans know anything about the military. (Janice Hough)  

      The FBI raided the South Florida office of the eye doctor who is accused of providing underage hookers for Senator Bob Menendez in Puerto Rico. It's a foolproof cover. The senator's new defense is that his pupils were dilated and he couldn't tell how old they were. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE COURTS

      Justice Scalia is being criticized by some scholars for claiming the Constitution is a 'dead' document. Apparently his contention is that anyone who doesn't believe him can just go over what the Supreme Court did after the 2000 Presidential election. (Jim Barach)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Former John McCain running mate Sarah Palin had her $1 million-a-year contract with Fox News cancelled because, according to a spokesman, "She's no longer hot." But not to worry, she's already been signed to host 'Saturday Night Live' where she'll debut her dead-on Tina Fey impression. (Bob Mills)

      Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana said, "We must stopped being the stupid party." Good luck with that. When Sarah Palin heard that, she demanded an apology. She said, "How dare he insult hard-working, patriotic, idiotic Americans like me." (Bill Maher)  

      Paul Ryan told Republicans, "We have to stay united." Shocking. Ryan thinks the GOP has been united? (Janice Hough)  

      Texas Gov. Rick Perry said that the Boy Scouts of America should not soften its strict policy barring gay members, saying "to have popular culture impact 100 years of their standards is inappropriate." Popular culture? Guessing Perry wasn't exactly an avid student of Greek History. (Janice Hough)

      New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world's largest social network is raising money for the world's largest governor. Why does Mark Zuckerberg need to raise a fundraiser worth $12 billion. Write a check and be done with the whole thing. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      THE STATES

      Oregon lawmakers offered a bill Friday to define tobacco as a narcotic that requires a doctor's prescription to purchase. You would not be able to buy cigarettes without a prescription. Within a year, the world's busiest physician will be Michael Jackson's doctor. (Argus Hamilton)

      In Mississippi, two Tea Party lawmakers want to create a permanent committee to nullify any federal laws the state does not want to follow. Okay, if Mississippi wants to be independent can the rest of the U.S. also then stop any federal money going to the state? (Janice Hough)

      Nebraska Lt. Gov. Rick Sheehy resigned today, after the Omaha World-Herald reported in the last 4 years he had made over 2,000 late-night telephone calls to 4 women (none of which were his wife) on his State-Issued Cellphone. Forget morals, this guy is too stupid to be in office. (Janice Hough)

      Reports say more highly paid athletes could be leaving California because of the high state income tax. Fortunately, Dodgers players are keeping their incomes in check by avoiding the extra money from making the playoffs. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, rumored to be in line for a Cabinet position, said that he's 'flattered and humbled. by the speculation, but that he is 'firmly committed' to staying in Los Angeles and finishing his term. Translation, Obama didn't ask him. (Janice Hough)

      A 71-year-old Connecticut woman has been arrested for prostitution. That is just one more reason to not extend the retirement age any further. (Jim Barach)

      A Delaware woman named Ada Bryant, 97, married Robert Haire, 89. The bride is keeping her name. Because, hey, you never know, what if she gets tired of him or something? (Janice Hough)

      New York City is always striving to improve the quality of life here. Now they're taking down all of the street signs on poles in the city because of clutter. Radioactive steam -- not a problem. City buses disappearing into potholes -- not a problem. Meth labs on every corner -- not a problem. Meat vendors selling squirrel -- not a problem. (David Letterman)  

      A funeral procession in West York, Pa., included a Burger King drive-thru. The deceased, an 88-year-old man, was a daily visitor at the fast-food outlet. Those in the procession ordered 40 burgers, including a Whopper Jr. that was placed on the casket of the deceased, as the minister spoke: "Lettuce pray."(RJ Currie) xxx

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      According to a survey by Global Post, the most expensive designer clothing store in the nation, more pricey even than any of the thread emporiums on Rodeo Drive, is 'Bijan' in Beverly Hills. It's so upscale the trend-conscious regulars who shop there donate their cast-offs to Bloomingdale's. (Bob Mills)

      Panasonic is offering a 152" TV for $500,000. The resolution is so good you can actually see all the Botox needle marks on the entire 'Real Housewives' cast. (Jim Barach)

      A judge has approved a $4 Billion criminal settlement for BP in the Gulf Oil Spill. After which the price of gasoline immediately went up 50 cents a gallon. (Jim Barach)

      Math joke for the night -- The joke being that this is real:  "Great Safeway Club 'special' today on 'Fancy Feast Appetizers' cat food. Normally 5 for $7, Club Members only pay $1.39 each." (Janice Hough)

      Cirque de Soleil announced it has cut 400 jobs. There haven't been so many clowns out of work since the NFL laid off replacement refs. (RJ Currie) 

      Burger King will DNA test its beef after horsemeat was found at one of its food processors. Taco Bell won't reveal what DNA testing of its meat has shown, other than to say they are pretty sure what happened to Jimmy Hoffa. (Jim Barach)

      Scandal in the U.K, where Burger King has admitted that some of their burgers contained horsemeat. McDonald's at least is innocent, as no one has accused their burgers of containing any meat. (Janice Hough)

      Settling a lawsuit, McDonald's agreed to pay $700,000 to the Muslim community for claiming that its menu complied with Muslim dietary laws. They admitted mislabeling 'Chicken McNuggets' as 'Camel McChunks' which they advertised using a cartoon goat wearing a turban. (Bob Mills) 

      I don't understand this big uproar about Subway. It's very rare that when someone says 12-inches that it's really 12-inches. I'm talking about snowfall totals. What were you thinking? (Tim Hunter)
      -
      In response to complaints from the Center for Science in the Public Interest, Taco Bell pulled ads for their taco 12-pack, which said that bringing a vegetable tray is "…like punting on 4th and 1. It's a cop-out and secretly, people kind of hate you for it." Right, because one reason people look forward all year to the Super Bowl is for an afternoon of healthy eating. (Janice Hough)  

      Apple unveiled a new version of the iPad today. This iPad has all the same features as the last iPad plus more memory. It comes with a trash can for you to store all the iPads that you already have. At this point, I would like to have Apple just set up a system where we send them a check for $700 every four to six months and they just promise not to make new things. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Barnes & Noble says it is planning to close 30% of its bookstores in the next ten years. Mostly because of the cost of education, 30% fewer people will be able to read by then. (Jim Barach)

      The BlackBerry 10 is out. Its strong signal will allow users to talk to almost anyone in the world -- except the person at the table with them. (Alan Ray)

      An employee of the U. S. Postal Service is retiring after 44 years without using any of her sick days. Friends describe her as 'dedicated', while co-workers describe her as 'that lady who gave me the flu'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A California woman robbed a bank while out on a test drive. When the seller was told she was looking for something that would be good for little getaways, he didn't know she meant a getaway car. (Jim Barach)

      CANADA

      A Canadian man was charged with driving through a red light. He was on his way to a rink and had been driving while wearing ice hockey skates. Driving with skates is probably not very safe because the motorist has limited contact with the brake and gas pedals (RMP Staff Sgt. Ken Hruska) 

      Dear driver, here’s crucial advice
      That I hope I won’t have to say twice:
      It’s best not to drive
      Wearing skates. You won’t thrive,
      Cuz you’re skating on very thin ice
      (Madeleine Begun Kane)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      A family in Brazil found its pet turtle after she went missing 30 years ago. The turtle, Manuela, went missing during renovations to the home in 1982. She was found in a storage room last week, when family members of were sorting through possessions of the deceased homeowner. It is believed Manuela lived on termites and other bugs for the three decades. Sounds like a classic case of time moving slowly. (Cam Hutchinson)

      EUROPE

      Keepers at the Seville Zoo in Spain say Gina the chimp is addicted to watching human sex videos. No wonder Mom called it monkey business. (RJ Currie) 

      A family was asked to leave a museum in Paris after other visitors complained they smelled bad. The charity that sponsored the underprivileged family's visit is now raising a stink. (Cam Hutchinson)

      AFRICA

      Zimbabwe's finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, "Stop bragging!" (Jay Leno)

      Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe said his treasury is down to two hundred dollars. He seized the property of white landowners and gave it to cronies and now the country is bankrupt. Mitt Romney says he's a fine fellow and that they just have a difference of opinion. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      A one-hour condom delivery service has been launched in Dubai. The only problem is that after they get an order, they usually get a call back in five minutes saying, "Never mind." (Jim Barach)

      Iran successfully launched a monkey into space. "Welcome to 1949," said the United States. (RJ Currie) 

      Iran successfully shot a monkey into space and the monkey is fine. If Iran keeps this technology growth going, they could have color TV in five years. (Alex Kaseberg)

      In Iran last week, the government successfully launched a live monkey into space. I like that they specified it was a live monkey as if there was a chance they would send a dead monkey into space. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran. Today is the 200th anniversary of the classic Jane Austen novel 'Pride and Prejudice'. Fans of the novel celebrated the way they always do: reading about halfway through and then giving up. (Jimmy Fallon)

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS

      Australia celebrates its 225th birthday this week, marking the arrival of the first delivery of Irish convicts at Sydney Harbor. Among the assorted criminals on board was Angus Gibson, great great grandfather of Mel, serving a sentence for driving his oxcart under the influence. (Bob Mills)

      HEALTH

      According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michele Obama's war on obesity is President Obama's economic policy. (Jay Leno)

      A new study has found that leafy greens are the leading cause of food poisoning. In other words, Americans have nothing to worry about. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say that leafy greens such as lettuce, spinach and kale cause the most food-borne illnesses. And kids across the U.S. are forwarding this story to their parents saying, "See!" (Janice Hough)

      According to a new study, for every 24 hours you party, your life is shortened by half a day. In sports parlance, this puts Lindsay Lohan in sudden-death overtime. (RJ Currie) 

      According to Men's Health Magazine, carrying your cell phone in your pants pocket may reduce your number of erections. That's a ironic because some men carry their cell phones in their pants pocket so it looks like they have an erection. (Steve Yeich)

      There is a new red erectile dysfunction pill that works in seven seconds; what is a seven second erectile pill for? People who want to have sex on an escalator? (Alex Kaseberg)

      According to the New England Journal of Medicine, smokers lose at least one decade off

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