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Weakly Humerus News 01-13-13

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-13-13 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK . We re $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the Treasury Department says that what
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 15, 2013
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-13-13
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK
      .
      We're $20 trillion in debt so somebody at the Treasury Department says that what we'll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I've seen a prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin. You can use the trillion-dollar coin to pay off the national debt, or it will help you get a Kardashian. (David Letterman)

      Belarusian tennis star Victoria Azarenka, 23, pulled out of the Brisbane International semifinals last week, citing an ingrown toenail from -- get this -- a bad pedicure. Just call it the mother of all foot faults. (Dwight Perry)

      A new book says that Tom Cruise believes he is on the planet to fight aliens. Which is exactly the same platform that Mitt Romney was running on. (Jim Barach)

      New retinal technology has given blind mice the ability to see. MLB Commish Bud Selig welcomed the news, stating that after umps undergo this new treatment, instant replay will no longer be necessary. (TC Chong)  

      Tim Tebow is now selling his own line of headphones. You can tell they are Tim Tebow headphones. Once you hook it up to your iPod, it barely plays. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Donald Trump has accepted Bill Maher's offer of $5,000.00.00 for a copy of his birth certificate proving his father was not an ape. Unfortunately, the certificate is clearly marked void. While many may feel it is a doctored document hiding his true origin, the more likely explanation is he can't afford the $15.00 fee for obtaining a certified copy. (Stan Kegel)

      No one was elected to the Hall of Fame today. So regarding the 'Steroid Era' is this going to be like the 'Family Guy' episode with the tour in Germany when Brian asks what happened between 1939-1945? And the guide says, "Everyone was on vacation." (Janice Hough)

      According to several reports, a lot of people think 2013 is going to be bad luck because it has the number 13 in it. You know what you call these people? Notre Dame fans. (Jay Leno)

      The usual suspects will walk the red carpet at the Golden Globe Awards this Sunday. Angelina Jolie will be escorted by Brad Pitt. Lindsay Lohan will be escorted by the police. (Alan Ray)

      A study says half the world’s food goes to waste. If you think about it, all the world’s food eventually ends up as waste. (Jim Barach)

      There is a new phone app to help guys make their marriage proposal. It includes everything from how to ask her parents for their blessing to picking out a ring to sharing the news with friends. There is also an app providing tips for the wedding night -- it’s called the Internet. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Rory McIlroy and Caroline Wozniacki are denying rumors they're engaged. Probably just as well. The way Wozniacki's tennis is going, if she served wedding cake she'd double fault. (RJ Currie)  

      The NRA wants to put armed guards in every school. Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays. (Stephen Colbert)

      GUNS & GUN CONTROL

      Make no mistake -- they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns. (Stephen Colbert)

      Anyone but me have a problem with the NRA's plan to arm people that many of their constituency consider union thugs? (Janice Hough)

      Joe Biden met the NRA, video gamers and entertainment execs at the White House to discuss ways of reducing gun violence. The First Amendment doesn't allow the government to censor entertainment and the Second Amendment doesn't allow the government to ban guns. If you want nothing done, the vice president's always your man. (Argus Hamilton)

      A rural Ohio school district will allow janitors to carry guns. It will definitely change the culture. Students should probably flush the toilets. (Alan Ray)

      No one's taking away ALL the guns. But now I get it, now I see what's happening. So this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of imaginary Hitler. (Jon Stewart) 

      A California high school student is in custody after a teacher talked him into dropping his shotgun. This after the 16 year old allegedly had shot at two fellow students and critically wounded one. Waiting for the NRA to say the teacher should have just been armed and returned fire. (Janice Hough)

      A cannon in Central Park in New York from the Revolutionary War was found to be still loaded with gunpowder and a cannonball which were immediately removed. Wayne LaPierre immediately condemned the Obama Administration for trying to take away every gun in America. (Jim Barach)

      THE CABINET NOMINEES

      Chuck Hagel is the new secretary of defense nominee. They are saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nut job is this guy? (David Letterman)

      Iran has endorsed former Senator Chuck Hagel to become the next Secretary of Defense. That ought to push his nomination right through Congress. (Jim Barach)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      Today Democrats said they want another trillion dollars in taxes. Didn't we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone already? Who is running this, 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'? (Jay Leno)

      In order to avoid a debt crisis, the US could mint a platinum trillion dollar coin, or as Mitt Romney calls it -- pocket change. (Gary Bachman)

      President Obama was urged by liberal economists Tuesday to mint a trillion dollar platinum coin if the GOP forces the U.S. to default in the upcoming debt negotiations. The Treasury would mint the coin and sell it to the Federal Reserve for a trillion dollars and avoid default. It hasn't been done since the Thirteen Colonies broke away from Zimbabwe. (Argus Hamilton)

      What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it. The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film. (David Letterman)

      NEW LAWS FOR 2013

      Clothing Optional Concealed Weapon Ban (San Francisco):
      Prohibits nudists from carrying a concealed weapon.

      Book-Burning Regulation (Orlando):
      When a book is burned, whether or not it's a sacred text, those responsible must clean up afterwards.

      Fast Food Order Time Limit Statute (Spokane):
      Stoned patrons of fast food restaurants must place their order in “a timely fashion” or relinquish their place in line.

      Autonomous Vehicle Restrictions (San Jose):
      Driverless vehicles barred from drive-in movie theaters, outdoor churches, drag races.

      Stop-and-Deport Law Reversed (Phoenix):
      Ends controversial police practice. (All: Ironic Times) 

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Barack Obama was 'totally furious' he spent a week of his time posing for a trillion-dollar platinum coin that would never be minted, a White House source confirmed today. The coin fiasco behind him, Mr. Obama has now apparently learned his lesson. If this coin idea ever comes up again, he's going to make Biden pose for it. (Andy Borowitz)

      President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done anymore? (Jay Leno)

      President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating. (Conan O'Brien)

      Planners of President Obama's upcoming inauguration are soliciting $1 million contributions to help pay for the party. With that kind of funding, I'm pretty sure it won't be a Tea Party. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      The White House announced today that the theme for President Obama's second inauguration will be 'Faith in America's Future'. The idea is to get our minds off of America's present. (Jay Leno)

      The White House announced that the theme for President Obama’s inauguration will be 'Faith in America’s Future'. Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo'. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Oops, A computer glitch at Ticketmaster resulted in President Obama’s two official inaugural balls being sold out hours before they were supposed to go on sale. Proving once again that the private sector can easily match the government for incompetence. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama’s team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      The inauguration will have a lot of corporate sponsors, big money, and corporations sponsoring the inauguration. It will be the same with the Kardashian baby. (David Letterman)

      Today, the president hosted a screening of NBC’s White House comedy, '1600 Penn,' which centers on a goofy guy who keeps embarrassing the White House. Or as Joe Biden put it, “Why’s everyone looking at me?” (Jimmy Fallon) 

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress hit a new low Monday as Public Policy Poll showed Congress is less popular than a colonoscopy. They only asked the question of people who'd experienced both. It's a mailing list of everyone who makes four hundred thousand dollars per year or more. (Argus

      In the Ohio House, Rep. Peter Beck faces an ethics investigation due to a civil lawsuit alleging he participated in a fraud that cheated investors out of more than $1 million. But Speaker William Batchelder still appointed King chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. Guess this translates, "If you have the Means, we will find a Way." (Janice Hough)

      Georgia Rep. Phil Gingrey, an OB-GYN, said Todd Akin was "partly right when he said women's bodies can avoid pregnancy in cases of 'legitimate rape', because adrenaline can cause you not to ovulate." Forget this women's bodies shutting down stuff, what can we do to get some men's mouths to shut down? (Janice Hough)

      THE COURTS

      The U.S. Supreme Court has signaled that blood tests are protected by the 4th Amendment. Apparently the only government entity that can get blood on demand is the IRS. (Jim Barach)

      THE MILITARY

      The Pentagon began enforcing its new maximum weight rules for soldiers Thursday and started kicking people out of the Army for being obese. It's amazing. Back in the Sixties, you had to go to Canada to get out of the Army, now you just have to go to Taco Bell. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who resigned after the fallout from his extramarital affair, will announce that he will run in a special election for a House seat. Amongst his likely opponents, Sanford's ex-wife Jenny. Now there's a debate I'd pay to watch. (Janice Hough)

      Governor Jerry Brown has declared that California’s budget is balanced due to spending cuts, an improving economy, and the alcohol taxes paid by Lindsay Lohan. (Gary Bachman)

      A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard. (Craig Ferguson)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A report says that 60% of the cigarettes sold in New York are smuggled. A successful smuggler has more butts in his trunk than a Chevy coming in across the Mexican Border. (Jim Barach)

      Police in Philadelphia are investigating a complaint filed by a stripper that she was sexually assaulted at the Four Seasons Hotel by two men while Brooklyn Nets forward Andrey Blatche looked on and did nothing.  While no charges have been forthcoming, the men face  charges of assault and impersonating Secret Service Agents. (Bob Mills)    

      Callers to 911 in Virginia reported seeing a lion that turned out to be a dog. Detroit fans can certainly identify. (Bill Littlejohn)

      In Berkeley, CA, residents are fighting a proposed new 24-hour 7- Eleven. Wow. If there's ever a city where folks NEED that 3:00am Doritos fix. (Janice Hough)

      Authorities in Framingham, Massachusetts responded to reports of teenagers tossing eggs at a house. They got quite a surprise when they tracked down the suspects. The three people who egged the house were fellow law enforcement officers serving with the Newton police. They were off duty at the time. They told Framingham officials the egging incident was "a prank, a joke between friends." The homeowner is a Newton police sergeant and their superior officer. He says is handling the matter internally. I think somebody might be in trouble. (Rich Hancock)

      Washington's Madison Hotel is offering guests a social media butler. They follow you everywhere, take your photos, quote you, and post it all on Facebook. It's for people who want to end their political careers but don't have the courage to pull the trigger themselves. (Argus Hamilton)

      The former leader of the Oklahoma state senate has been convicted of bribery. There’s a word for a politician whose vote is always for sale to the highest bidder. 'Politician'. (Alan Ray)


      BUSINESS & LABOR

      MedBox introduced a vending machine Friday that will dispense marijuana in states where pot sales are now legal. Talk about irony. There was a time when the pot came from Mexico and the Twinkies were in the vending machine, now it's the other way around. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Consumer Electronics Show is taking place this week in Vegas. Based on technology trends, two things in the living room will soon be wider. The viewer's HDTV as well as the viewer's ass. (Alan Ray)

      A Colorado company is planning to market a marijuana infused skin care line. Apparently they are selling it to women who want the same creamy complexion as the Zig-Zag man. (Jim Barach)

      It's being reported that Apple may be making a less-expensive version of their iPhone. They're calling it a Samsung. (Conan O'Brien)

      Yesterday American Express announced that it had to cut more than 5,000 jobs. Even worse is how they told their employees. They said, "American Express. Don't leave home." (Jimmy Fallon) 

      AIG, who took a $182 billion bailout from the U.S. govt, has apparently changed their mind about joining a lawsuit against the terms of that bailout. Even the folks at Penn State fighting NCAA sanctions were thinking "Have you no shame?" (Janice Hough)

      There's a prototype that Microsoft is working with called 'IlumiRoom' which turns an entire room into a video game experience that goes beyond just your screen.  Finally, a way to get kids to play more video games! (Tim Hunter)

      A person has to be 50 pounds overweight to join Downsize Fitness in Dallas. I'm thinking it is so popular it’s bursting at the seams. (Cam Hutchinson)

      The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you're eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business. (Conan O'Brien)

      Just when you thought you heard it all, comes word that a company --CTA Digital -- has released a new gadget called iPotty. The iPotty is a potty with a built-in iPad holder, so children can train without putting down their gadgets -- just like ma and pa. The iPotty will sell for $39.99. The product is not to be confused with the one teens use -- iPottyMouth. (Cam Hutchinson)

      TRANSPORTATION

      Airlines set a record for the lowest rate of lost or delayed baggage in November. Mostly because the airlines treat baggage with more care now that it costs people more to check it in than they paid for their own ticket. (Jim Barach)

      Chevrolet is redesigning the Corvette to re-establish the 'cool factor' of owning one. When people see a Corvette now, the question they ask is which is higher, the speed it will go or the age of the guy driving it. (Jim Barach)

      A battery powered toothbrush that was ticking set off a bomb scare at Atlanta’s airport. Apparently the TSA agents in Georgia had never actually encountered a toothbrush before. (Jim Barach)

      Rand Paul's 19 year old son was arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct. On US Air, he was a criminal. On American, he would’ve been a pilot. (Gary M.) 

      Rand Paul's 19 year old son was arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct. I blame Obama. (Janice Hough)

      Avis is buying Zipcar for $500 million. It was originally going to cost $400 million. But the buyer opted to prepay for gas. (Alan Ray)

      On Friday a passenger on a flight to JFK had to be restrained with duct tape after he got drunk and started yelling at other passengers. Duct tape to hold someone in their seat -- or as Southwest Airlines calls that, 'a seatbelt'. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That's one way to keep kids away from drugs -- put them in vegetables. Carrots and marijuana -- how good will your vision be after this combination? (Jay Leno)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      There are rumors that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is actually dead. Even so he might be more effective than the U. S. Congress. (Janice Hough)

      Police in Brazil have apprehended a cat that has been traveling in and out of a men's prison with various escape tools, like saw blades and drill bits, taped to its body. The judge was pretty harsh. Today, the cat received nine life sentences. (Jay Leno)

      Mauricio Fierro gained instant fame in December in Sao Paulo, Brazil, as the reported victim of a car theft (captured on surveillance video) when he dashed into a pharmacy. He went to a police station to file a report but encountered the pharmacy owner making his own report -- that Fierro was actually robbing him at the moment the car was taken. More surveillance video revealed that while Fierro was standing outside the pharmacy, wondering where his car was, a man ran by and stole the stolen cash. Fierro then immoderately complained to the police even more about Sao Paulo's crime rate and lack of security. Afterward, Fierro admitted to a local news website that in fact he had stolen the very car that he was reporting stolen. (New York Daily News, 12-13-2012) So this guy stole a car, robbed a pharmacy, then complained to the police that both his stolen car and stolen money were stolen! (Karl)

      Prostitutes in Brazil have started learning English so they can communicate with out-of-town clients during the World Cup. They are learning key phrases like, "You are very handsome," and "Nice to meet you, Mr. Sheen." (Jimmy Fallon) 

      GREAT BRITAIN

      An artist in England is selling realistic life-sized babies' heads made out of white chocolate. The bizarre creations contain 5,000 calories.  Creator Annabel de Vetten from Birmingham, says she has been swamped with orders. (Rich Hancock)

      EUROPE

      Several hundred thousand people marched through Paris to protest against the planned legalization of same-sex marriage. Which means the city will officially have to give up being called 'Gay Paree'. (Jim Barach)

      Apple's iPhone store in Paris was robbed by thieves who stole one million dollars in iPhones and iPads Thursday. The company has a fail-proof business model. Last year Apple founder Steve jobs died and every six months he's re-buried in a slightly better coffin. (Argus Hamilton)

      French star Gerard Depardieu became a Russian citizen Friday to escape the West's high taxes on the rich. He left to enjoy Russia's low flat tax. Apparently the Cold War didn't end twenty-five years ago, it was just halftime and at halftime the teams switch sides and defend the opposite goalposts. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE FAR EAST

      To celebrate his birthday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sent two pounds of candy to every child in the country. In a related story, Kim Jong Un has been named 'Man of the Year' by the Korean Dental Association. (Tim Hunter)

      To celebrate his birthday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un sent two pounds of candy to every child in the country. Which explains why Honey Boo Boo has applied for dual citizenship. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS

      Australia’s Nude Olympics begin on January 20. There will be sack races, frisbee throwing, and three-legged races. For the three-legged race, porn star Mathew Mason will compete without a partner. (Gary Bachman)

      SCIENCE

      Archeologists investigating an ancient shipwreck in Italy have discovered pills over 2,000 years old. Meanwhile, my mom was like, "That date is just a recommendation. They're still good." (Jimmy Fallon)

      A study says fructose may trigger the brain into overeating. Tests on lab rats proved similar results to those of humans. All they wanted to do is lie around the cage and play video games. (Alan Ray)

      HEALTH

      The flu has spread to 41 states. A disease hasn’t spread this far and fast since last summer when Paris Hilton completed a cross-country road trip. (Gary Bachman)

      It’s been a tough month to be the oldest living person in the US. It’s one of those titles you hold until you die, and unfortunately the title has changed hands three times in 29 days. Now we know what George Steinbrenner’s doing in the after-life. (Terry Etter) 

      Mamie Rearden, 114, just died, only 16 days after she became America's oldest person. And her predecessor, Dina Manfredini, 115, died after being the oldest for less than two weeks. We've finally found a title that is more dangerous than being #3 with Al Qaeda. (Janice Hough)

      New research links diet sodas to depression. Testing on lab mice proved tedious and laborious. They never seemed to have correct change for the vending machine. (Alan Ray)

      Scientists in China say obesity may be caused by bacteria in your stomach. Three of the most common carriers of the bacteria are pizza, cheeseburgers, and doughnuts. (Jay Leno)

      A new weight loss gadget claims to suck food straight out of the stomach. Or as supermodels call that, a finger. (Jim Barach)

      The American Cancer Society is recommending that older heavy smokers should be screened for lung cancer. That’s for people with a good health care plan. People without health insurance can just book a flight and use the TSA airport security X-Rays. (Jim Barach)


      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      A cold snap has hit Southern California. You can tell when it’s cold in Los Angeles. Charlie Sheen sleeps with an extra hooker. (Alan Ray)

      In 2012 we had the hottest year on record, and we had 357 brand-new record highs. That's 358 if you count Lindsay Lohan. (David Letterman)  

      Beijing’s air pollution actually went beyond the measuring index last week. It was so bad that people who usually knew what factory they worked at from the color smoke it was billowing couldn’t find their way to work. (Jim Barach)

      SPORTS

      FOOTBALL - THE PROS

      Seattle's NFC wild-card victory over Washington was its first playoff win away from home in 29 years. They've had more calamity on the road than Hope and Crosby. (RJ Currie)

      Thirty second Super Bowl ads going for $3.8M are almost sold out.   The New York Jets are rumored to have purchased a spot trying to sell a couple of QBs. (Janice Hough)

      Dozens of fans were arrested and 92 were ejected in the San Francisco 49ers win over the Green Bay Packers. Hey, Raiders fans have to watch someone play in the post season. (Jim Barach)

      New Jacksonville GM David Caldwell says he can't "imagine a scenario where Tim Tebow will be a Jacksonville Jaguar." Well, and the team has been doing so well without him. (Janice Hough)

      FOOTBALL - COLLEGE

      Alabama won the college football championship game. It was a tough loss for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. If only Irish people had some kind of tradition of drowning their sorrows in something, it would have been so much easier. (Jimmy Kimmel)  

      Last night Alabama won football's national championship by defeating Notre Dame 42-4. Irish people haven't been this depressed since -- all the time. Every day. Constantly. (Craig Ferguson) 

      Rough morning after in South Bend. Last time Notre Dame alums were so embarrassed, priests were involved. (Janice Hough)

      Do you know what BCS stands for? Beating Catholics Soundly. Let me tell you how bad it was. Today the Pope suggested that Notre Dame might want to be a Lutheran college. (Jay Leno)

      Sorry Notre Dame, God had only one miracle planned for this evening and he used it on the Washington Wizards against the Oklahoma City Thunder. (Janice Hough)

      A couple days ago Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly claimed that leaving Notre Dame is "not an option. I don't even think about it." Today sources said Kelly interviewed with the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, maybe Brian can stop by the confessional on his way out. (Janice Hough)

      Ah yes, SEC dominance. And Alabama only lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to LSU and Florida. And Florida lost to Louisville, who only lost to Syracuse and Connecticut. And Connecticut only lost to NC State, Temple. Rutgers, USF, Cincinnati, Syracuse and Western Michigan. (Janice Hough)

      The 2013 college football schedule is out, and the only top 10 teams Alabama is facing are Texas A & M and LSU. But hey, maybe Tennessee-Chattanooga can derail the three-peat. (Janice Hough)

      According to ESPN sources, the Cotton Bowl is a "prohibitive favorite" to host the first college football national playoff title game on Jan. 12, 2015.. Well, that's one way to get a meaningful future postseason game in Dallas. (Janice Hough)

      BASKETBALL

      Is there some unwritten rule that Staples Center in Los Angeles can only be home to one good NBA team at a time? (Janice Hough)

      Ex-Lakers coach Phil Jackson and team vice president Jeanie Buss, his girlfriend of 13 years, are finally making wedding plans.But here's the $4 million question: Will Kobe Bryant serve as the ring-bearer? (Dwight Perry)

      Some think Phil Jackson has to thanking his lucky stars that he turned down the Los Angeles Lakers' job. But I figure Phil thinks if he took the job, they'd be in first place by now. (Janice Hough)

      HOCKEY

      The NHL and its players have reached a tentative contract deal. The union’s original demand would have bankrupted the league -- Free Dental. (Alan Ray)

      After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute. So finally Americans can get back to not watching hockey. (Conan O'Brien)

      Good news for hockey. After 113 days, the National Hockey League has settled its contract dispute. The last time Americans went 113 days without watching hockey, it was during last year's hockey season. (Craig Ferguson)

      BASEBALL HALL OF FAME

      No one was elected this year to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Now, if we could just do that with Congress. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Baseball Hall of Fame voting results are in, and for the first time since 1996, not one player was voted in. They turned down Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds. Here’s how bad it was: Lance Armstrong got more votes than any of those guys. (Jay Leno)

      Baseball's Hall of Fame had its selections for players who are voted in. This year, nobody gets in. Lots of players were eligible, but nobody got in. However, Pete Rose is already taking bets for next year. (David Letterman)

      If the Baseball Hall of Fame really wanted to make a statement about PED's they should have elected Jamie Moyer. Since we know he got 269 wins without PED's. If he had been on 'roids his fastball would have hit at least 70. (Janice Hough)

      If the real issue with PED's is that they are illegal does that mean we need to eject all baseball Hall of Fame members who drank alcohol between 1920 and 1933? (Janice Hough)

      BASEBALL - OTHER

      2013 predictions: "Baseball: The Dodgers break the Yankees' record for the highest payroll not to win a playoff series. (Hartley Miller)

      Major League Baseball and T-Mobile have struck a sponsorship deal, meaning managers will be using cellphones for the first time to call the bullpen. That'll be a first: a manager blaming a blown save on a dropped call. (Dwight Perry)

      T-Mobile has entered a multimillion dollar contract with Major League Baseball to provide exclusive dugout cell phones for use by managers to call in relief pitchers from the bull pen.  The specially designed system comes with several apps including 'MediStats' -- instant access to each reliever's average performance enhancing drug. (Bob Mills)  

      Some reports indicate almost 10% of MLB players have a prescription for Adderall, an amphetamine used to treat ADHD. Yet, without a prescription, taking the drug is grounds for suspension in baseball and football. Okay, your move, Hall of Fame voters. (Janice Hough)

      Theo Epstein says the Chicago Cubs don't want to be known as 'loveable losers'. So he's going to have them stop being loveable? (Janice Hough)


      OTHER SPORTS

      In an effort to gain a TV deal, The Lingerie Football League is rebranding itself as The Legends Football League. The girls will have their lingerie stripped and replaced with traditional non-revealing football gear. The latter is just in case Brent Musberger becomes an announcer. (TC Chong)

      The Continental Cup, pitting curlers from Canada and the U.S. against Europe, began on Jan 10. Continental curling is just like North American curling, but with smaller portions.  (RJ Currie)

      ATHLETES

      LANCE ARMSTRONG

      Lance Armstrong will confess to doping in an upcoming interview with Oprah. He'll admit he didn't have the balls to say, "No." (Gary Bachman)

      USA Today says that Lance Armstrong will admit to doping in his interview with Oprah Winfrey. What's Oprah's next scoop -- getting Joan Rivers to admit she's had work done? (Janice Hough)

      Lance Armstrong has agreed to an interview with Oprah amid speculation he'll admit to using performance-enhancing drugs. I'll say this for the guy: He really put the PED in pedal. (RJ Currie)

      Lance Armstrong’s lawyer is denying reports that he will admit to using performance-enhancing drugs. He said that Lance has been very consistent about his intentions to just keep lying about it. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Lance Armstrong may confess to steroid use. Years of abuse have taken its toll on him. His urologist says the guy is just a little nuts. (Alan Ray)

      Lance Armstrong agreed to go on Oprah and confess to steroid use Friday. His world has collapsed. Last fall, Nike terminated Lance Armstrong's contract, saying it doesn't condone performance enhancing drugs unless it helps Asian children increase production. (Argus Hamilton)

      OTHER ATHLETES

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