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Weakly Humerus News 12-23-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-23-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK People are making jokes about the Mayan apocalypse like there s no tomorrow.
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 23, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-23-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      People are making jokes about the Mayan apocalypse like there's no tomorrow. (Brian Combs)

      To all Evangelicals, Pentecostals, 7th Day Adventists and Baptists who truly believe -- the Big Day is coming tomorrow, so make sure you've rapture presents! (Cynthia MacGregor) 

      We all now know that the forecasts of doom for Friday were in error. A classic failure of Mayan over matter. (Bob Dvorak)

      I was kind of depressed this morning to wake up and realize the Mayans were wrong. Then I thought to myself, "Hey, it's not the end of the world!" (Gary Hallock)

      So on Saturday which retailer will start the first "After the end of the world sale? (Janice Hough)

      A study shows that marijuana use among teens is at an all time high. So are the teens. (Jim Barach)  

      Pennsylvania police arrested a woman with 170 packets of heroin inside her bra. All together now: "Yes, it was quite a large bust!" (Tim Hunter)

      The 49ers' Colin Kaepernick was named the NFC's offensive player of the week. Not to be confused with Mark Sanchez, who Jets fans consider the most offensive player this week. (Janice Hough)

      The Michigan Ballet Company has offered Ndomukung Suh a part in 'The Nutcracker'. (TC Chong)    

      After three years and six seasons, the final episode of 'Jersey Shore' aired tonight. Or as the Mayans put it, "So we were off by one day." (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE MAYAN APOCALYPSE

      Some solace have we on this solstice
      No firestorm rained down to toast us
      Seems Mayans were wrong
      Live, prosper and long
      We all will survive, or ... well ... most o'us
      (Gary Hallock)

      Who believes it's the end of the world? If it isn't your belief it must be Mayan. (Cynthia MacGregor} 

      I'm actually sad that these guys are no longer around to see the rampant speculation that's taking place over this 'prediction'. A Mayan is a terrible thing to waste. (Gary Hallock) 

      As you know, the Mayans said the world will end tomorrow, and like everybody else, they blame Bush. (Jay Leno)

      T.G.I. Friday’s has jumped all over the fact that December 21 happens to be a Friday, offering a special menu creatively named 'The Last Friday'. (College Humor)

      On the bright side, the end of the world kind of takes the edge off the fiscal cliff, doesn't it? (David Letterman)

      1st Mayan: "The tequila is ready, you want some?" 2nd Mayan "I'm working on this calendar but I guess if I don't finish it, it won't be the end of the world." (Author Unknown)

      The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts. (Jay Leno)  

      The Mayan apocalypse caused thousands of Californians to dig survival shelters for tonight. It's so simple. They dig a hole in the yard for shelter, strike natural gas without knowing it, and then as soon as they light the fireplace for Christmas the Mayans were right. (Argus Hamilton) 

      The Mayan Calendar predicts that the earth's existence will come to an end Tuesday, prompting WalMart to open at midnight tomorrow. Smart move. Black Friday trampling incidents show that nothing increases impulse buying like the prospect of imminent death. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Christmas is on Tuesday, provided that the world doesn't end on Friday, which is the end of the Mayan calendar. Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much stupider way, like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel. (Jimmy Kimmel)  

      According to the Mayan calendar, Friday is the end of the world. You know what? There is a sign of the apocalypse. The New York Knicks are in first place. (David Letterman)

      The reason the Mayan Gods are destroying the world is because of a lack of chocolate pudding in their diets, or something, according to Jell-O. (College Humor)

      I think the whole end-of-the-world Mayan Calendar thing 12/21/2012 is just another Pyramid Scheme. (Will the Thrill) 

      E-mails from people fearful about the Mayan Apocalypse have been flooding NASA. Mostly because when it comes to disasters, who has more first hand experience than NASA? (Jim Barach) 

      Even with the apocalypse there is always something good. There's always a silver lining. For example, The Mayan apocalypse will put an end to those commercials where a crazy lady talks to strangers about her colon. (David Letterman)

      The Mayan calendar says that on the 21st, we're done. We've only got about a week left, and I haven't even started packing. (David Letterman)

      We're coming up on the weekend where, if you feel like it's the end of the world, you're either a Mayan or a last-minute Christmas shopper. (Tim Hunter)

      The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts. (Jay Leno)

      Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you? (David Letterman)

      Maybe the Mayans were just predicting the end of calendars?  After all, these days, we just use our phones. (Tim Hunter)

      A NASA spokesman says the agency is getting 200 to 300 people calling per day to ask about the end of the world. Darwin would be so proud. (Janice Hough)

      And now The Mayan Channel forecast. Thursday: cloudy, chance of showers, high 39. Friday: volcanoes, asteroid strikes, apocalypse. (David Letterman)

      If you're reading this, the world didn't end today, and all those DVDs you rented still have to be returned. (Phil G.)

      A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody. (Jay Leno)

      So what if the world ends this Friday, as the Mayans once predicted? Will miss the BCS national-championship game; won't miss the BCS. Will miss the Super Bowl. Won't miss the Super Bowl hype. Will miss Valentine's Day. Won't miss Bobby Valentine. Enough already. Except this thought for local pro football fans: The Chargers may not be going to the playoffs, but no one else is either. (Kirk Kenney) 

      The Mayan predicted that the world would end Friday, which means Ball State vs. UCF could be the last football game ever played. Naw, I'm still skipping it. (Brad Dickson)

      December 21, the end of the world, is a Friday. So it means dress is casual. (David Letterman)

      In a tongue-in-cheek research article, scientists at the University of Ottawa have come to the mind-blowing conclusion that the Mayan Doomsday will be 'bad' for clinical trials, given that everyone will be dead or a zombie. (College Humor)

        

      Francis Ford Coppola is planning a movie about how the Mayans goofed in predicting the end of the world. It’ll be called “Apocalypse Later.” (Terry Etter)  

      I hate the way the media exploits things, like all this hype about the Mayans and their supposed prediction of the end of the world this Friday. Then again, if they are right, I will have created my Fiscal Cliff Board Game for nothing. (Tim Hunter)

      And as silly as this all may seem, a worldwide survey shows that one in 10 people believe the world is going to end on Friday. A Chinese man even designed a survival pod. The inventor says they can hold 14 people comfortably, or roughly three American people comfortably. If you buy one of these pods, you might survive the end of the world. But since it is made in China, you will also die of lead poisoning. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      While billions around the world await the Mayan Apocalypse this Friday with increasing dread, there is palpable excitement about it at the headquarters of Google, Inc., which is preparing what its C. E.O. is calling "our most awesome Google Doodle ever. At Google we view the Apocalypse as a unique opportunity. We want to communicate to billions of people that this is the last day of human history, so maybe they should finally sign up for Google Plus." (Andy Borowitz)

      THE FISCAL CLIFF

      John Boehner had hoped that Plan B
      Would embarrass Obama, you see.
      It collapsed on the Speaker.
      Job tenure? A squeaker!
      Boehner's stunt gets an F, at most D.
      (Madeleine Begun Kane)

      John Boehner’s favorability has hit a new low in a recent poll. I guess you could say his approval rating has fallen off a cliff. (Gary Bachman) 

      President Obama and John Boehner are trying to avoid the fiscal cliff and they're now on Plan B. If that doesn't work, then they go to plan C: pray to God the world does end Friday. (David Letterman)

      John Boehner scrapped "Plan B" because he couldn't get enough GOP votes. Why do I have a feeling that if Congressional salaries stopped as soon the US got within 2 weeks of the 'fiscal cliff' that the Speaker would have a compromise with President Obama by now? (Janice Hough)

      It's rumored that John Boehner and President Obama are considering a partial deal to avoid the fiscal cliff at the end of the year. Yeah, it's RUMORED that a PARTIAL deal is being CONSIDERED -- or to put that in layman's terms: We're going off this cliff. (Jimmy Fallon)

      In what's being called a stunning literary find, a Danish historian has discovered the last remaining, unpublished fairy tale from Hans Christian Andersen. It's called 'Congress Solves the Fiscal Cliff'. (Jay Leno)

      Yesterday, President Obama and John Boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes, but the White House will not release a transcript of their conversation. However, they did offer to have Joe Biden re-enact it with puppets. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A recent Rasmussen poll has John Boehner replacing Nancy Pelosi as the most disliked member of Congress. If this keeps up, the Speaker may have Oompa Loompas accuse him of conduct detrimental to the image of Orange people. (Janice Hough)

      Wait, we're facing one of the biggest threats to our economy and they only met for 45 minutes? That's not even the opening credits of 'The Hobbit'! (Jimmy Fallon)

      Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said a failure to reach a deal for the fiscal cliff will hurt the recovery. The good news is most Americans will not be affected by this because they had no idea there WAS a recovery. (Jay Leno)

      SANDY HOOK & GUN CONTROL

      The NRA says assault weapons can be used as legitimate hunting rifles. Okay. Follow your reasoning. You can also use a chainsaw to cut butter. (Will Durst)  

      For those who say the Sandy Hook massacre might have been prevented if the teachers had guns to defend themselves - yeah, that worked out so well for the shooter's mother. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama named Joe Biden to head a task force to search for the solutions to gun violence by next month. The first rule of politics is, if you want nothing done, name a task force. If you want to make sure nothing's done, put the vice president in charge of it. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Joe Biden will head an effort to address gun policy. Do we really want someone tackling gun control who’s constantly shooting himself in the foot? (Gary Bachman)

      In the wake of Sandy Hook, some gun advocates now want to arm teachers. Right, let's put guns in the hands of them all, including those without enough common sense to know it's not a good idea to sleep with their students. (Janice Hough)

      Can’t wait for the NRA to announce the first graders should have been armed so they could have defended themselves. (Will Durst)   

      Quote of the day from Incoming Texas State Rep. Kyle Kacal: "I've heard of people being killed playing ping-pong. Ping-pongs are more dangerous than guns. Flat-screen TVs are injuring more kids today than anything." It's enough to make you long for the intellectual brilliance of Rick Perry. (Janice Hough)

      While the gun debate rages on, in Pennsylvania a gunman injured three state troopers after shooting and killing three other people, including a woman at a church. So will the NRA call next week for armed guards at all churches? (Janice Hough)

      Rubert Murdoch's New York Post called NRA leader Wayne LaPierre a "gun nut" and "NRA loon" on its Saturday cover. For the uninitiated, this is about as likely as Fox News saying something nice about President Obama. (Janice Hough)

      You know what the real problem with school shootings is? Schools. Get rid of them, a lot less problems. With School shootings that is. (Will Durst)

      NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre suggested a way to end gun violence in schools is to station armed guards at every one. Might as well build replicas of The O.K. Corral next to the playgrounds as well. (TC Chong)  

      So in his "armed guards in schools" speech today, NRA Executive V.P Wayne LaPierre also indicated he wants to get rid of violent video games. Where's the conservative outrage over too much potential government interference on this one? (Janice Hough)

      And just wondering, if we have armed employees at schools and they join the teachers' unions, when do they become a special-interest group that is a drain on the economy. Or just plain old union thugs? (Janice Hough)

      "Our Bill of Rights does not guarantee gun manufacturers the absolute right to sell military-style, high-caliber, semi-automatic combat assault rifles with high-capacity magazines to whoever the hell they want." This morning from that commie-pinko Joe Scarborough. (Janice Hough)

      Would the NRA next like to suggest the public places they DON'T believe should have armed guards? It might be a shorter list.

      THE CHRISTMAS SEASON

      Pope Benedict lit the Christmas tree in St. Peter’s Square. His Holiness offered a message of strength and hope for the season. "Go Notre Dame!" (Alan Ray)

      As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you're desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles sold separately. I couldn't believe it. (Jay Leno)

      Christmas is just around the corner. It's just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns. (David Letterman)

      Only 12 shopping days left before Christmas. The big toy this year is the Furby. It's a toy that came out in 1998. It's weird how old junk suddenly becomes valuable and you wish you hadn't thrown them out — kind of like the way CNN feels about Larry King right about now. (Craig Ferguson)

      Christmas is a week away. Legend has it Joseph and Mary witnessed a true miracle that fateful night in Bethlehem. None of the gifts they received required batteries. (Alan Ray)

      I'm sure the new movies are good, but I'm upset there are no real Christmas movies. Like 'It's a Wonderful Life', where Jimmy Stewart finds himself in a world where no one can see him. It's like nobody's aware of his existence. I know that feeling. (Craig Ferguson)

      It’s the most wonderful time of the year. As Santa goes up the chimney, he often shouts, "Ho, ho, ho." He doesn’t have to put any of this stuff together. (Alan Ray)

      In a new poll, 44% of Americans think that Santa Claus is a Democrat and 28% believe he is a Republican.  The remaining 28% no longer believe in Santa Claus. (Steve Yeich)

      I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It's like we're all in on a huge joke we're playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      It being so close to Christmas and Santa Claus being in the news a lot and that poll saying that many people think of Santa as a Democrat, Donald Trump has asked to see Santa's birth certificate. (Steve Yeich)

      Settling a long-running dispute between neighbors, a Louisiana judge ruled that a Denham Springs woman has the constitutional right to arrange her Christmas lights in the shape of a middle finger.  The fact that the middle finger belongs to Santa Claus has no legal bearing on the case unless, of course, the Claus family files an objection. (Bob Mills)

      Suri Cruise is apparently getting a $24,000 Grand Victorian Playhouse, complete with running water and electricity, for Christmas along with a $10,000 children's toy Mercedes. Wonder how much Tom and Katie are setting aside for future counseling? (Janice Hough)

      THE NEW YORK JETS

      New York Jets coach Rex Ryan elevated his third string quarterback to be his starter Sunday, passing over Tim Tebow. The fans were infuriated by the unpopular decision. Sources close to the Mayans insist that it really won't matter by the close of business today. (Argus Hamilton) 

      What many people were sure of before this season: Tim Tebow is not an NFL level quarterback. What even more people are sure of now: Neither is Mark Sanchez. (Janice Hough)

      Times Square hookers offering a Holiday Mark Sanchez special. For an extra $50, they'll really really suck. (Alex Kaseberg)  

      NY Jets Rex Ryan is apparently frustrated enough with Mark Sanchez that he is thinking of starting Greg McElroy next week against San Diego. Gosh, if only the team had access to a QB with a history of winning. (Janice Hough)

      Jets coach Rex Ryan acknowledged things haven't panned out with Tim Tebow. Mark it on your calendar folks, a Rex Ryan understatement. (RJ Currie)

      There's a new version of “Miracle on 34th Street.” In this one, Tim Tebow starts a New York Jets game at quarterback. (Brad Dickson)

      NY Post headline: "Tim Tebow's love affair with the Jets is over." Although fittingly for the avowed virgin quarterback, that affair was never really consummated. (Janice Hough)

      Tim Tebow may be headed for the CFL next year. Wait until he finds out that it’s not The Christian Football League. (TC Chong)  

      The derisive term "47 percent" will be forever linked to 2012 because of: a) A campaign comment by Mitt Romney b) The accuracy of New York Jets quarterbacks. (Dwight Perry)

      The Jets are out. The Giants are now in a very tenuous position. Who'd a thunk the only football team in the New York-New Jersey area that ends up in the postseason might be Rutgers? (Janice Hough)

      Tim Tebow and actress Camilla Belle have called it quits. it just didn't work out. Kind of like Tebow and the quarterbacking thing, just didn't work out. (Jay Leno)

      There's been some clarification. It turns out the Mayans were actually predicting the end of the New York Jets. Turns out, they were right! (Tim Hunter)

      THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS

      "I'm dreaming of a Dwight Christmas,
      Just like the ones L.A. now knows,
      Where the players conspired,
      To get the coach fired,
      While hitting only 47 percent of his free throws!"
      (Mike Bianchi)

      Everybody I run into is talking about the end of the world. They're not believers in the Mayan apocalypse. They're Laker fans. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Lakers are so bad, when Mitt Romney talks about the 47 percent, he means Dwight Howard's free throw shooting. (Jay Leno)

      Last night the Lakers lost to the Knicks for their fourth loss in a row. I don't want to say that it was an easy night for the Knicks, but even Woody Allen finished with nine points. (Jimmy Fallon)

      CABINET APPOINTMENTS

      The White House allowed Susan Rice to withdraw her name from consideration for Secretary of State. No one doubts her ability. Susan Rice lied to the American people on all five Sunday talk shows, breaking Hillary Clinton's one-day record by two interviews. (Argus Hamilton) 

      It looks like President Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death. (Jay Leno)

      U.S. Senator John Kerry was reported Sunday set to be named Secretary of State. He's a known commodity nationally. Sixty percent of Americans can identify a photograph of John Kerry, the bad news is that the majority still thinks he's the dad from the Munsters. (Argus Hamilton) 

      THE CENSUS

      According to the latest census poll, a large number of Californians are moving out of state and going to places like Texas and Nevada. Look, I know a lot of us are disgusted with the Lakers, but that's no reason. (Jay Leno)

      The U. S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican. (Jay Leno)

      HILLARY CLINTON

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out and suffered a minor concussion. Apparently, she heard the Lakers won two games in a row. (Jay Leno)

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Ravens. For the next six weeks Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit. (David Letterman)

      LINDSAY LOHAN

      If it turns out that the Mayans are right and the world is going to end, you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan is a genius. She's been partying her brains out. She owes taxes. She's crashing cars. She's a genius! (Jay Leno)

      According to TMZ, Lindsay Lohan is struggling financially.  It's so bad that the liquor store by her house has cancelled her unlimited tab. (Steve Yeich)

      It's been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She's either in prison or she's in rehab. She's been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her. (David Letterman)

      She is also facing a possible 8 months in jail for probation violation.  If she does get put into jail they'll put her in isolation because they don't want her to be a negative influence on the other criminals.  And this could be perfect timing for jail because it's also rumored that she doesn't have the money to pay her rent. (Steve Yeich)

      Lindsay Lohan was offered by a talent agancy Monday as available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs for a personal appearance fee. It's a living. For five thousand dollars Lindsay'll be the rowdy drunken guest in case none of your relatives can fulfill the role. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Lindsay Lohan topped off a year of drinking, dancing, tax dodging and car wrecks by losing her house. It was all planned. In case the Mayan apocalypse occurs this week, let it be recorded in the Book of Life that Lindsay Lohan prepared for it more logically than anyone. (Argus Hamilton) 

      A New York strip club has offered Lindsay Lohan a job to pay off her debts. This might be more difficult than it sounds. The IRS won’t take single dollar bills. (Alan Ray)

      Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money -- say your son's having a bar mitzvah -- Lindsay will appear at your son's bar mitzvah. She's also available for end-of-the-world parties. (David Letterman)

      US Weekly reports Katy Perry spotted Russell Brand at a nightclub and hid behind a table. She found Lindsay Lohan under it. (RJ Currie)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama says he’s got more important things to do than enforce marijuana laws. Looks like another gift for the 47 percent. (Bill Williams)

      There's a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer's son who's dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, "Shouldn't you be fighting the Green Goblin?" And the kid was like, "shouldn't you be working on the fiscal cliff?" The kid was really excited to meet the president, while Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The White House warned North Korea Friday the satellite they launched last week is on a collision course with several U.S. satellites. They could accidentally knock out texting, cell phones and e-mails. There might not be a car wreck in California until it gets repaired. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Harry Belafonte urged Barack Obama Friday to imprison his political opponents like a Third World dictator. The president can't put his political enemies in prison. He's allowed to kill them with a drone missile but only because the courts haven't ruled on it yet. (Argus Hamilton) 

      THE COURTS

      A judge said the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB and the NCAA can move forward with their attempts to stop New Jersey's plans to allow sports gambling. Can't wait to see Chris Christie weigh in on this one. (Janice Hough)

      A New York court ordered a man to pay the $28,109.60 tab he accumulated in a single night at a local strip club. The customer had filed a lawsuit against the strip club alleging he was being charged because the number of drinks he was served left him "no longer capable of conducting financial transactions."  However, the Manhattan Supreme Court tossed out the lawsuit. (Rich Hancock)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Sarah Palin, unhappy with Barack Obama being chosen "Person of the Year" said of Time Magazine "I think there's some irrelevancy there to tell you the truth." Well, if anyone knows irrelevancy. (Janice Hough)

      Rick Perry has already announced that he will run for President again in 2016, but there is a very good chance that by that time he will have forgotten about it. (Steve Yeich)

      Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he's taking steps to run for president once again. He says he's seeking the presidency for three reasons. He can remember only two of them, but he is seeking it. (Jay Leno)

      In an extraordinary gesture of recognition for a losing Presidential nominee, Time magazine today named former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney Man of the Year 1912. Time's editorial board wrote, "Even though his quest for the Presidency was unsuccessful, Mr. Romney's ideas about foreign policy, taxation, wealth inequality, and women's rights typified the year 1912 as no one else has." (Andy Borowitz)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      HBO and Martin Scorsese will make a documentary about Bill Clinton. The network’s scheduling of him is a fitting tribute to the man. He will go after 'Girls'. (Alan Ray)
      THE MILITARY

      The military ignored rumors of the world ending Tuesday. Of course they also ignored rumors that there was no way we could win a long term war in Iraq or Afghanistan. (Jim Barach)

      THE STATES

      New Jersey became a state on this day in 1787. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie celebrated with a giant cake and a bucket of ice cream. Then he remembered today was New Jersey's birthday. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Yesterday, Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. Stoners took a moment to thank Governor Hickenlooper -- then they spent a few hours just saying the word 'Hickenlooper'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Michigan passed a right-to-work law.  Unfortunately, because of Obama's policies to keep giving free handouts to the poor, many people would just rather not work at all. (Steve Yeich)

      Okay, it's not as good as Senator Stephen Colbert, but South Carolina could have the most entertaining politics in the nation. Former Gov. Mark Sanford is planning to run for the seat that Senate appointee Tim Scott is vacating . Amongst possible opponents? Jenny Sanford, his ex-wife. (Janice Hough)

      GOP Florida governor Rick Scott sent President Obama a letter requesting that he invoke federal law to order a cooling-off period to prevent a longshoremen's strike. Of course if Barack complies wonder how long it will take Scott to rail again against overreaching federal government authority. (Janice Hough)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Police in Omaha, Nebraska, said they arrested a man after finding a bag of marijuana hidden underneath a roll of fat in his stomach. He had it hidden under a roll of fat! Talk about a pot belly! (Author Unknown) 

      Local news: The new $3.3 billion Port Mann Bridge had to be closed after falling ice from the cables hit several cars causing severe damage. This is known as Pre-Dent Defense. (TC Chong)    

      Animal control officers have now shut down a rat-breeding business here in California due to animal neglect. That's when you know things are bad -- when your business is too unsanitary for rats. (Jay Leno)

      A Michigan lawyer has been arrested for manufacturing crystal meth in his office. I hope the fact that this guy's a lawyer doesn't send the message that somehow all meth dealers are sleaze balls. (Jay Leno)

      A man in Wichita, Kansas who decorated his pickup truck with 900 Christmas lights powered by a gas generator in the truck's bed was fined $274 for creating a safety hazard for other drivers.  Oh, and the six reindeer attached to his front bumper didn't exactly scream safety, either. (Bob Mills)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, "Hey, we tried to warn you." (Jimmy Fallon)

      McDonald's announced they sold their one hundred billionth McDonald's hamburger, and they're not happy about it. Now they have to buy another cow. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Note in very small print on bottom of Starbucks' cup: "Caution, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot." Wonder how many people turn the cup to its side to try to read the message, and spill the hot beverage on themselves. (Janice Hough)

      Toy-maker Hasbro has complied with the request of an Ohio school girl to design a male version of their popular E-Z Bake Oven that will be available by next summer.  Its features are very similar to the girls' model except for those users who opted for PE over Home Ec. --  the boys' version flushes. (Bob Mills)

      The Ikea monkey is still making news as its owner goes to court to claim custody. In related news, Rex Ryan is hoping the change in QB this week will result in a win, thus taking the monkey off his back. (TC Chong)  

      'Bob's', a Brazilian fast-food chain, has introduced edible wrapping for its burgers. McDonald's is thinking of following suit, although a sticking point might be that wrapping would probably have more nutritional value than their hamburgers. (Janice Hough)


      TRANSPORTATION

      The new recorded voice welcoming you to Denver International Airport is none other than Peyton Manning. He welcomes you to the city and wishes you Happy Holidays and then reminds you to visit one of his 21 local Papa John’s Pizza joints in the Denver area. Of course, he can call an audible and change the message every 30 seconds. (TC Chong)  

      Airlines in Europe are testing a new robot that can make drinks for passengers instead of having flight attendants do it. This way, flight attendants can stay focused on their most important job -- ramming the beverage cart into your elbow. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Madrid Airport police arrested an arriving female passenger Monday who had three pounds of cocaine stashed inside her breast implants. The bidding for her bra has gone through the roof on eBay. Charlie Sheen plans to use it as a portable breathing device. (Argus Hamilton) 

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Police are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a Mitt Romney mask. He robbed the bank, fled the area, and then stashed the money somewhere in the Cayman Islands. (Jay Leno)

      Peter Madoff, younger brother of Ponzi Prince Bernie who's serving 150 years, was himself sentenced to ten years for his part in the $20 billion ripoff.  Why the light sentence?  Well, the judge took into account Peter's plea that he "felt like Jerry Van Dyke living in the shadow of his famous brother" and his claim that, like Tom Smothers, he always sensed "that mom liked Bernie better."
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