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Weakly Humerus News 12-09-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-0-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Over the four-day holiday weekend Americans spent $15 billion a day! That almost
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 9, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-0-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Over the four-day holiday weekend Americans spent $15 billion a day! That almost breaks President Obama's record. (Jay Leno)

      Tensions over the so-called fiscal cliff reached a boiling point today as House Speaker John Boehner accused President Obama of acting like he won the November election. (Andy Borowitz)

      President Obama and John Boehner remained at loggerheads over budget proposals Tuesday. What a choice. The Democratic plan allows us to keep partying until the sheriff bangs on the front door while the Republican plan burns us down for the insurance money. (Argus Hamilton)

      Santa won't be landing in Washington or Colorado this year. Both will be so high he'll just do a fly-by. (Bill Williams)

      Apparently irony is not in this man's dictionary: Grover Norquist on President Obama: "He thinks somebody made him King, and doesn't know where he stands in the universe." (Janice Hough)

      George W. Bush gave a speech Tuesday urging the GOP to be more inclusive to illegal immigrants. it appears that illegal immigrants have replaced the Jews as God's Chosen People. About every ten minutes, someone drives by Home Depot and chooses one of them. (Argus Hamilton)

      Chicago Bears receiver Brandon Marshall says some players are taking Viagra as a PED. I'm thinking the NFL will start imposing stiff penalties. (RJ Currie)

      It’s day 10 of a port strike in Los Angeles. Coast Guard officials fear a giant Botox spill that could put an ugly wrinkle on Christmas. (Alan Ray)  

      Best rumor out of the NHL labor talks: In keeping with the theme, they'll play a watered-down season on thin ice. (Dwight Perry)

      Tonight on the educational network, panelists discuss the question: "Should New York City be called the Big Apple when it's Washington, D.C., that's rotten to the core?" (Joe Hickman)

      This week on TV: The Disney channel profiles sheep that can roller skate. They are the animal kingdom's only sheepskates. (Joe Hickman)

      Mike Tyson told the London Sun he caught then-wife Robin Givens in bed with actor Brad Pitt, Either Mike is lying to get media attention because he's promoting something, or Brad Pitt can run faster than Mike Tyson. (Bob Ross) 

      Bessie Cooper, the world’s oldest person, died at age 116 in Georgia. That’s the problem; you work your whole life to get to the top and then you die. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Chicago Cubs manager Dale Sveum was accidentally shot by Hall-of-Famer Robin Yount while they were quail hunting. If Jeb Bush gets the presidential nomination in ’16 he now knows who to pick for vice president. (Terry Etter)

      Prison officials in North Carolina are calling for a criminal investigation after six inmates alleged correctional officers forced them to rub habanero hot sauce on their genitals. They then made them sing, "Goodness, gracious great balls of fire!" (Gary Bachman) 

      A Manhattan dermatologist offers his patients 'Pokertox' injections that are guaranteed to help mask facial giveaways that tip poker opponents of the hand they're holding. Most patients are happy with the results and claim they don't mind spending the rest of their lives looking like Kenny Rogers. (Bob Mills)    

      A survey says that 16% of online shopping is done on the toilet. Which explains all the crap that everyone keeps giving you. (Jim Barach)

      PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

      MITT ROMNEY

      Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, "You're bored? I'm sitting around all day with Mitt Romney. (Conan O'Brien)

      Friends of Mitt Romney are saying that he's bored now that he's no longer running for president, though not as bored as the rest of us were when he was running for president. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mitt Romney sat down with President Obama last week at the White House. They were supposed to have lunch together, but they were debating what to have and couldn't agree on anything. (Tim Hunter)

      Mitt Romney was invited to the White House Thursday to have a private lunch with President Obama and share ideas on how to spur the economy. The president served turkey chili and a green vegetable for lunch. Mitt didn't have to ask if Michelle was in town. (Argus Hamilton)

      Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos. (Jimmy Fallon)

      They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you're running for president of the United States. The next day you're shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered (David Letterman)

      The Michigan Highway Patrol reports that Mitt Romney has been seen driving towards Wisconsin to dump Paul Ryan back where he came from. Mr. Ryan seemed a little nervous, but that’s to be expected since he was in a cage on the roof of Mitt’s “Take Back America” tour van and when Mitt stopped for gas he wouldn’t let Paul out to use the rest room. (Jerry W.) 

      Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can't create jobs? There's one right there. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney went back to work accepting a job to serve on the board of directors at Marriott Hotels this past week. The former presidential candidate was also spotted out shopping at Costco in San Diego. The cashier told reporters he bought three dozen Costco's. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney has a new job. He's going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, "I understand there's some trouble?" Then Mitt will say, "Let's just take a look at that. I hope you enjoyed your stay with us." (David Letterman)

      I think it's great that Romney's getting back to the workforce and not becoming one of those 47 percent looking for a handout. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels. (David Letterman)

      Mitt Romney got a job. He's working at a Marriott. He is the guy that comes out to the pool and tells the kids to stop splashing. (David Letterman)

      KATE MIDDLETON

      Great Britain's Princess Kate and Prince William are expecting a baby. The bad news: Prince Harry is already planning a huge baby shower in Vegas. (Jay Leno)

      Prince William and Kate are expecting their first child. To show how backwards the Royal Family really is, they are the first celebrity couple in years to actually get married before getting pregnant. (Jim Barach)

      Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They've been married for a year and a half. That's like five marriages for a Kardashian. (Craig Ferguson)

      Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting. They don't know whether it's going to be a boy or a girl, but they do know it's not going to work a day in its life. (Conan O'Brien)

      One day that child could grow up to be one of the most powerful unemployed people in the world. (Jay Leno)

      Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby's a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard. (Craig Ferguson)

      The pregnant Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is still hospitalized with extreme morning sickness. Memo to William: Have somebody else fill up your Christmas stocking. (Frank King)

      Prince William's wife, Kate, has been released from the hospital after suffering from severe morning sickness. Doctors told her take it easy, no strenuous activity, and don't go to work. In other words, just act like a member of the royal family. (Jay Leno)

       In London, the Duchess of Cambridge was released from the hospital where she was treated for a rare case of acute morning sickness brought on by her unborn heir to the crown. And none too soon according to palace sources, she was growing weary of having to say to her Lady in Waiting every five minutes, "Hurl." (Bob Mills)  

      Prince William and Duchess Kate are expecting. Bookmakers are taking wagers on what their first child's name will be. John and Elizabeth are the favorites. You can't make any money betting those names. I'm going with Moon Unit or Dweezil. Probably pay six million to one. (TC Chong)  

      When Prince William and Kate get around to picking baby names, I hope they remember Michael Jackson already did the "Prince" thing with his kid. (Toms Lake Humor Company)'

      Kate Middleton's having a baby. Snooki says she wants to give baby advice to Kate Middleton. Snooki said her number one tip is to find out who the father is. (Conan O'Brien)

      LINDSAY LOHAN

      Lindsay Lohan was arrested in a N.Y. night spot for punching a woman in the face and knocking her down. Might be the first time someone in a club beat Lindsay to the floor. (RJ Currie)

      Lindsay Lohan was arrested for assault in New York City after she punched another woman in the face at a bar at 4 o'clock in the morning. It does not look good for Lindsay. Because of her previous arrest, if convicted she could face some serious jail minutes. (Jay Leno)

      Lindsay Lohan was arrested for fighting in a New York City night club.  Booking her down at police headquarters is not a lengthy process.  Her criminal record is the default page. (Alan Ray)   

      The good news for Lindsay is at least this incident has drawn attention away from her portrayal of Elizabeth Taylor. (Jay Leno)

      People close to Lindsay Lohan say she's drinking two liters of vodka a day. I suppose the good news is, she's cutting back. (Tim Hunter)

      Lindsay Lohan says she does not need rehab because she says she has no problem with alcohol. However, Lindsay did admit that her car is a total drunk. (Conan O'Brien)

      HUGH HEFNER

      The engagement between 86-year-old Hugh Hefner and his 26-year-old girlfriend Crystal Harris is back on. I don't want to say that Hefner is old, but the ring boy is Larry King. (Jay Leno)

      Do you know who's engaged? Hugh Hefner. He said today about his fiancée, "I've fallen for her and I can't get up." (David Letterman)

      Eighty-six year old Hugh Hefner and 26 year old Crystal Harris are engaged again. The wedding will have all the traditional symbols. The 'something blue' will be his hair. (Alan Ray)  

      Hugh Hefner is 86 years old and his bride-to-be is 26. It's one of those May-December things. He may not make it until December. Hugh is ready for the honeymoon. He is already hooked up to a Cialis drip. (David Letterman)

      Hugh Hefner announced Tuesday that he and his former fiancee Krystal Harris have made up after last year's break-up and they will get married at the Playboy Mansion next week. He's eighty-six and she's twenty-six. They plan to have an open-casket wedding. (Argus Hamilton)

      86-year-old Hugh Hefner is engaged and he has picked up a marriage license with his 26-year-old fiancé.  Remember it wasn't that long ago that Hugh was engaged, but then at the last minute she broke it off.  Uh, pool choice of words.  She "called off their engagement."  Better. (Tim Hunter)

      Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris are planning on finally going through with their wedding plans. She is 26 and he is 86. She is registered at Tiffany and he is registered at Forest Lawn. (Jim Barach)

      Hefner's fiancée's name is Tiffany. No, sorry, Crystal. What's the difference? Anyway, she was saying she was really, really looking forward to the ceremony, and people are saying, "Are you talking about the wedding or the funeral?" (David Letterman)

      Hefner was engaged before and then she broke it off eight days before the wedding. Well now they have worked it out. I guess she has agreed to sign a pre-nup, but only if he agrees to sign the 'do not resuscitate' order. (Jay Leno)

      THE FISCAL CLIFF

      Well, folks, only 28 more shopping days till we go off the Fiscal Cliff. (Conan O'Brien)

      Let's see, what day is it?  I forget whose turn it is to accomplish nothing, Obama's or Boehner's. (Mark Russell)

      Congress and President Obama are still at loggerheads over what to do about the fiscal cliff coming up on December 31st. Apparently they’re counting on the Mayans being right. (Terry Etter)  

      The GOP’s newest fiscal cliff proposal includes cutting taxes for the rich. These guys compromise like a platypus rewires mainframes. (Will Durst)    

      A poll says that Americans would prefer a compromise on the Fiscal Cliff. People need to understand there are only two things the parties in Congress ever agrees on. One is salary increases, the other is more time off. (Jim Barach)

      I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don't know what I'll do when I see them. (David Letterman)
      T
      The Pentagon is preparing for massive budget cuts in the event that the country does go over the fiscal cliff. You can tell the Pentagon is scaling back because today it became the 'Triangle'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      John Boehner called President Obama’s budget a joke. Not as funny a joke as whoever switched the flesh colored crayon for the bright orange one in his Crayola box when he was little. (Will Durst)   

      Just a thought, if President Obama really wants to get down and dirty with John Boehner over working out a deal, maybe he should propose a major new surcharge on tanning booths. (Janice Hough)

      OBAMACARE

      The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place. (Jay Leno)

      The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare, which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance. (Conan O'Brien)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama enjoyed playing eighteen holes of golf with Bill Clinton on Monday in Maryland. It was his election advice that saved Obama's re-election. The strategy to hold the minority voters and reach out for women has Bill Clinton's fingerprints all over it. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, "Joe Biden." (Jay Leno)

      The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It's all part of their 'For the last time, we're not Muslim' campaign. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees, one for every time Donald Trump accused the president of not having a birth certificate. (Tim Hunter)

      Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: 'Running Deficit'. There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey. (Jay Leno)

      Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that. (Jay Leno)

      While he was in Pennsylvania on Friday, President Obama said that he's been keeping his own 'naughty and nice' list of lawmakers. Then Biden was like, "Great, now I've got to worry about his list AND Santa's?" (Jimmy Fallon)


      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Over Thanksgiving Joe Biden was in a cold-turkey ocean plunge fundraiser. The water was so cold that when he came out, he was talking coherently. (Jay Leno)

      General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don't have sex with the woman who's writing your life story. (Jay Leno)

      I don't care that they were screwing, but I do sort of care that the CIA director can't keep a secret. Apparently when he said the surge is working, he didn't even know his phone was on. (Bill Maher) 
       
      Vogue Editor Anna Wintour is being considered as a possible pick for Ambassador to France or the U.K. Apparently the French love her as one of their own since they have never before found someone who can actually make them look polite by comparison. (Jim Barach)

      THE CONGRESS

      House Speaker John Boehner's office was invaded by a group of nude female protesters. Boehner's unsure what they were protesting, but says he'll definitely keep doing it. (Conan O'Brien)

      Rumors that some are trying to draft Stephen Colbert to run for senate in Jim DeMints' place. Well, it sure would increase ratings for C-Span. (Janice Hough)

      Congress was urged by police chiefs Tuesday to require wireless providers to store all text messages for two years in case they're needed for criminal probes. There are pros and cons. The trouble is, retrieving text messages starts out as a great way to catch drug dealers, but then it starts catching cheating spouses and that unsettles the real estate market. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE COURTS

      A Wisconsin judge, Tim Boyle, ordered a father of 9 who is over $100,000 behind on child support payments not to have any more children until he can support them. Can we put this judge on the Supreme Court? Or at least make him commissioner of the NBA? (Janice Hough)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites. (Conan O'Brien)

      Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he's taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he's meeting with donors. He better hope they're brain donors. (Jay Leno)

      A new book coming out reveals that Florida Sen. Marco Rubio was born a Catholic, became a Mormon, then returned to the Catholic church, then became a Baptist, then again returned to the Catholic church. And I think he's at it again because he's now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein. (Conan O'Brien)

      Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie visited the White House. President Obama told him, "I'd invite you to lunch but the deficit is already too high." (Conan O'Brien)

      The governor of Arizona punched a reporter who asked her about global warming. Afterwards she apologized. She said, "Sorry, I'm a little touchy because it's almost Christmas and it's 135 degrees outside. (Conan O'Brien)

      Jim DeMint is resigning his South Carolina Senate seat to take over as president of the Heritage Foundation. According to Charitywatch.org, the salary for the position is currently $1,172,321. No wonder DeMint didn't want to raise taxes on the super rich. He's about to become super rich. (Janice Hough)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking "Michael, what did I ever do to you?" (Janice Hough)

      Gay groups are apparently angry at former President Clinton because he hasn't come out in favor of gay marriage. Clinton said he'd be willing to have two lesbians come by and try to convince him. (Conan O'Brien)

      THE MILITARY

      The Pentagon released fitness data showing that one in four young people is too fat to serve in the U.S. military. Obesity is a national security concern. We either need to get in shape or recruit a separate fat army that only invades countries that don't have hills. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      Washington State has legalized marijuana. Advocates say "it's about time, but they should have passed this law a long time ago" -- like when Twinkies were still available. (TC Chong)  

      Washington State has passed a law legalizing gay marriage. Advocates say "it's about time, but they should have passed this law a long time ago" -- like when Liberace and Rock Hudson were still alive. (TC Chong)

      Gay marriage becomes legal in Maine on December 29th. *Merchants are already calling it 'Pink Saturday'. (Bill Williams)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Phoenix — the country's No. 1 move-to destination from 2000 to 2009 is suddenly experiencing a dramatic falloff in people wanting to relocate there, Forbes magazine reported. Especially top-notch NFL quarterbacks. (Dwight Perry)

      A San Francisco porn production company announced it will offer sex education classes. Porn actors will demonstrate live the sex techniques taught in the class. The most popular porn performer in San Francisco is the Korean porn star, Candlestick Park. (Argus Hamilton)

      New York's legendary Stage Delicatessen, beloved hangout of generations of Broadway and TV actors and comedians, has sliced its last corned beef and submerged its final matzo ball.  Over the years, the cholesterol-rich sandwiches were lovingly named after each celebrity who suffered a heart attack while eating it. (Bob Mills)  

      Huron, South Dakota is considering banning eating while driving. Apparently eating greasy food makes it hard to send out legible text messages with your thumbs slipping all over the keyboard. (Jim Barach)

      A city in South Dakota has banned eating while driving. I'm fine with that. It tends to get in the way of my texting. (Tim Hunter)

      A New York City policeman has become world-famous now for a viral pic of him giving a pair of boots to a homeless man. Then Nicolas Cage said, "Thanks for the shoes." (Conan O'Brien)

       A Florida man was arrested after he told police he left a pit bull to watch a 10-month-old baby while he went to a bar to drink beer. Scary thing, the dog was probably more responsible than the man. (Janice Hough)

      A 69-year-old Florida woman was arrested for stealing hundreds of dollars' worth of lingerie. Authorities released her after she threatened to model the lingerie. (Conan O'Brien)

      A judge ordered a Wisconsin man who has nine children with six different women to stop procreating or start playing basketball. (Cam Hutchinson)

      The world's oldest woman has died in Georgia at 116. Her departure will be felt not only within her immediate family. Even farther reaching, Fox News just lost another viewer. (Alan Ray)  

      A wheelchair-bound man from Virginia has bowled a perfect game. George Holscher, 48, who was paralyzed in a car crash when he was 25, is the second person to roll 300 from a wheelchair. "I know I said I can’t feel my knees, but let me tell you, they were weak." (Cam Hutchinson)

      THE ECONOMY & TAXES

      High income Californians may be paying the nation's highest total taxes of 52%. Apparently the rate will climb that high for the wealthy if the legislature approves a tax on all plastic surgery. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Mercedes is developing technology to let you look at Facebook on your car windshield. It's perfect for everyone who wants to get hit by an oncoming 18-wheeler. (Conan O'Brien)

      Radio Shack introduced Text Hooks which allow parents to strap cell phones to their strollers so they can text while pushing their babies. Imagine a couple texting away while pushing their baby toward a railroad crossing. It lets you see how silent movies got started. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Post Office reported loses of over $16 billion. A financial expert prepared an amazing business plan to save the Post Office billions. But, sadly, it got lost in the mail. (Alex Kaseberg)  

      Macy's stores will be open for 48 straight hours on December 21st-23rd. It will be just like Wal-Mart without having to look at customers wearing stretch pants three sizes too small. (Jim Barach)

      Starbucks is now introducing for the holidays a $450 gift card. It's good for two small coffees and a Josh Groban CD. (Conan O'Brien)

      Starbucks announced plans to offer $450 stainless steel gift card. Wow. That's enough for at least a dozen lattes. (Janice Hough)

      McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, "Hey, we tried to warn you." (Jimmy Fallon)

      An updated Fantasyland has opened in Disney World. The park has put an emphasis on attractions that give chills, thrills, and breathtaking surprises. And that’s just the gift shops. (Alan Ray)  

      Apple says more of its computers will be made in the U.S. Which means that Apple can still have someone assemble three computers here without breaking their promise. (Jim Barach)

      Blockbuster is said to begin selling phones at its stores. When you are ready to return the video you rented, you can call ahead to see if the store is still in business. (Jim Barach)

      A Sunday ad insert for 'Bed, Bath and Beyond' features 'Waiting for Santa' pet pajamas, along with 'one size fits all' antlers. The ad features a picture of a dressed up dog. Presumably, because there isn't enough liability insurance to have anyone risk trying to put that outfit on a cat. (Janice Hough)

      Bankrupt Hostess Foods is giving their execs up to $2M in bonuses before they liquidate their assets. Insiders know it's just hush money to keep their mouths shut about what goes into the goo that is the filling for Twinkies. My guess is a mix of bathroom caulk, mayo and Colgate toothpaste. (TC Chong)  

      Applebee's is opening a "green" restaurant in New York that will have waterless urinals, a wall made of plants, and rooftop rainwater harvesting. All of which will be underneath a giant, million-watt neon sign that says 'Applebee's'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A report says liquor sales are up at restaurants and bars. A club owner can usually explain the bump in revenue in two words. Lindsay Lohan. (Alan Ray)  

      This from 'One Million Moms', about the latest J C Penney cute holiday commercial: "A new JCP ad features Ellen Degeneres and three elves. JCP has made their choice to offend a huge majority of their customers again. Christians must now vote with their wallets." And somewhere Jesus is probably thinking "Don't lay this on me, morons, I love Ellen." And actually, 'One Million Moms' is reputedly an organization of about 40,000. (Janice Hough)

      TRANSPORTATION

      A United Airlines Dreamliner made an emergency landing at an airport in New Orleans. The only snag was when the flight attendants insisted that passengers pay the $15 slide fee before getting to escape down the emergency chute. (Jim Barach)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      U.S. Open tennis ref Lois Goodman was cleared of murdering her husband with a coffee mug in a Los Angeles court on Friday. It turns out he fell down the stairs. NBC's Bob Costas took back his call for a ban on coffee mugs and he declared that home elevators are a civil right. (Argus Hamilton)

      NASA & SPACE

      A private firm is planning trips to the Moon by 2020 that will cost $1.5 Billion. So far that doesn't even include the $50 per bag luggage charge or $8 headphone expense. (Jim Barach)

      UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURT

      The U.N. voted overwhelmingly to recognize Palestine as a state Thursday against the objections of the U.S. and the Israeli delegates in the General Assembly. One thing will remain the same. The weather forecast in Tel Aviv today is cloudy with a chance of rockets. (Argus Hamilton

      CANADA

      Alberta care homes have placed a limit of one bath a week for residents. Talk about dirty old men. (RJ Currie)

      A book dealer in Toronto, Canada stuck with overstocked shelves has come up with the novel idea of selling them, at random, from a vending machine for $2 each. It's very much like winning the lottery, losing weight or improving your sex life except you just read about people who won the lottery, lost weight or improved their sex life. (Bob Mills)  

      MEXICO

      Mexico's new president said his country's problems with the U. S. aren't just about drugs and border security. He said it's really about America's insistence that Taco Bell is Mexican food. (Conan O'Brien)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Today is a holiday in Scotland -- St. Andrews Day. I'm Scottish. I was hoping CBS would give me the day off. But of course they didn't. That's like making George Washington work on the 4th of July. That's like making the Octomom work on Mother's Day. It's like making Donald Trump work on April Fool's day. (Craig Ferguson)

      IKEA is celebrating its 25th anniversary in Britain. To mark the occasion, the British government presented IKEA with an unassembled plaque. (Brad Dickson)

      EUROPE

      A Ukrainian man from the city of Truskavets, is giving people the chance to lie down in a coffin - to prepare themselves for the afterlife. The coffin maker calls his new service coffin therapy. It gives people the chance to lie inside a casket for approximately 15 minutes - putting the lid on is optional. One client said: "After hard working day you can come in and just relax - it's great. You go home in a completely different mood." (Rich Hancock)

      In Russia, there was a 125-mile traffic jam that had drivers stuck in traffic for three days. Here in Los Angeles that's known as Friday. (Conan O'Brien)

      Nervous residents of the Serbian town of Zarozje are carrying raw garlic cloves and wooden crosses after reports that Sava Savanovic, the legendary ware wolf, was spotted in a nearby forest. The wooden cross is to plunge through his heart and, failing that, the garlic is to discourage his disgusting habit of leaving a hickey after sucking their blood. (Bob Mills)  

      AFRICA

      A South African ad agency has put out a calendar featuring bikini models made up like zombies. In case you're wondering, the ladies are drop-dead gorgeous. (RJ Currie)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi called on Cairo protesters to stop rioting over his power grab. He wants them off the streets. If a dictator wants his people to stay in their homes and do nothing, all he has to do is turn the Internet back on and lift the ban on porn. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE FAR EAST

      According to The Associated Press, China will soon overtake the United States as the world's number one global trader. Which is actually good news for most Americans. Didn't you think China overtook us already? (Jay Leno)

      A woman in Henan province, China, breastfeeds her husband's monkeys.  Her husband is the top monkey trainer supplying young monkeys for work in movies, circuses, theaters, and street performers. His wife says: "Many times, some of the baby monkeys slip onto our bed at night to suckle.  I feel they are just like my children." (Rich Hancock)

      The world's tallest woman at 7' 7" has died at age 39 in China. Apparently she suffered a stroke after banging her head into every doorway in town. (Jim Barach)

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS

      In New Zealand, dogs are learning to drive automobiles, because we're not burning enough fossil fuels. (David Letterman)

      An Australian study says people with jobs where effort doesn't lead to reward are in poorer mental health than those looking for work. So if you're a NBA free agent, think twice before signing with the Raptors. (RJ Currie)

      SCIENCE

      Following a ten-year study published in the current National Geographic, Sequoia National Park's 'The President' has been crowned 'The Largest Tree in the World'. Researchers measured every branch and twig and counted two billion leaves on the 3240-year old 54,000-cubic foot behemoth which has more layers than any other living thing -- unless, of course, you count Cher. (Bob Mills)   

      Scientists announced they have found the world's oldest dinosaur. It had a collar on it that read, 'If lost, please return to Larry King'. (Conan O'Brien)

      HEALTH

      Here’s some good news: A study found treating gum disease can fix some erectile dysfunction problems. Finally, a trip to the dentist has an upside. (Cam Hutchinson)

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