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Weakly Humerus News 11-25-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-25-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Since Colorado legalized marijuana Denver’s new nickname is the More than Mile
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 25, 2012

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-25-12


      Since Colorado legalized marijuana Denver’s new nickname is the 'More than Mile High City.” (Steve Yeich)

      Now that we know we are stuck with Obamacare it gives the nation a running start to jump off the fiscal cliff. (Steve Yeich)

      Toy shopping for the holidays has begun. Where do you find the General Patraeus doll on the store shelf? He’s usually on top of Barbie. (Alan Ray)

      I've just been reading about the ancient art of Iron Crotch, a form of Qigong, where modern practitioners pull three-ton trucks by a rope tied around their penis. I admit, it sounds like quite a stretch. (RJ Currie)

      Superstar rapper, Snoop Dogg, is a rabid sports fan and is interested in buying a professional soccer team.  Since Washington and Colorado legalized marijuana he has also become interested in owning any sports team in either of those states. (Steve Yeich)

      It was Turkey Day in the US, the Jets turned it into Turkey Night as well. (TC Chong)

      Hostess Bakery plants shut down Friday due to a workers' strike. It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mark Stuben, the District Attorney of New York City, confirmed rumors that he was employed as a porn actor in the 1970s. Hey, what better training for a lawyer? If you can do it on the screen, you sure won't have any trouble doing it to clients  (Bob Mills)  

      Rupert Murdoch's News Corp is expected to announce this week that it will acquire a 49% stake in the YES Network from the New York Yankees baseball team and its partners in a deal that would value the sports channel at $3 billion.Oh boy! That’s great news, especially if YES will be managed similarly to Murdoch’s American centerpiece, FoxNews. No need for the Yankees to play 3+ hour-long games with $200 million rosters of under-performing 40-is-the-new-20 players in billion-dollar taxpayer supported ball parks. Like Fox, YES can simply make stuff up, like scores and standings, and report it as fact! (Chad Picasner)  

      Caltech -- known for its brainiac students and losing teams-- has been busted by the NCAA. Banning Caltech from postseason is akin to forbidding Pope Benedict XVI from break-dancing. (Norman Chad) 

      A New York doctor is marketing Botox at card players - to help them maintain their poker face. Dr Jack Berdy has introduced 'Pokertox', a program of Botox and facial fillers, to enhance a player's ability to hide their emotions. (Rich Hancock)  

      Romney blamed his election loss on Obama, which seems the same as blaming your stove for burning you after you elbowed your way through a crowd to put your hand on the burner.  (Jerry W.)

      The TSA says that holiday cakes and pies will be subject to additional screening. Apparently agents will go through any suspicious looking desserts with a fine toothed fork. (Jim Barach)  

      A campaign worker for failed Senate Candidate Linda McMahon says he was paid with a condom and a bad check. Which meant he actually got screwed twice. (Jim Barach)  

      A study says more teens are using muscle enhancement products.  Parents don’t notice any difference in strength.  Around the house, most will barely lift a finger. (Alan Ray)


      A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying 'step off or I will cut a bi-atch.' And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn't just a love triangle, folks. It's a love pentagon. (Stephen Colbert)  

      An aide to former General David Petraeus says that the sex scandal will be a “blip” on his record. Just like President Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky was just a spot on her dress. (Jim Barach)  

      General David Petraeus's biography by Paula Broadwell soared on the bestseller lists Friday. Their affair cast suspicions on all biographers and their subjects. Doris Kearns Goodwin went on five talk shows Friday to deny that she's been sleeping with Abe Lincoln. (Argus Hamilton)

      Petraeus biographer Paula Broadwell apparently is telling friends she is 'devastated" by the fallout from their relationship. Here's a hint for the future Paula - if you have to have an affair, it's best not to go batshit crazy to "defend" it. (Janice Hough)  

      CIA Director and former General David Petraeus said today that he did not share any classified information with his mistress. Apparently she only had the launch code to his missile. (Jay Leno)

      Natalie Khawam (the twin sister of Jill Kelley, who was the woman General Petraeus's mistress threatened in emails), just held a press conference with her new attorney, Gloria Allred. (Janice Hough)  

      The BC Angels defeated the Saskatoon Sirens in the very first Lingerie Football League Championship. My GF said that sport is sexist and degrading to women. So the boys and I went to watch the UFC event at Hooters instead. (TC Chong)


      Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can't figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn't be in the snack cake industry. I guess I'll just have to take my business to Little Debbie. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Hostess Brands and a key union just agreed to tried to mediate their dispute, so the company may not shut down after all. This is bad news for folks who bought thousands of Twinkies to sell on Ebay. I blame Obama. (Janice Hough)  

      Hostess said today they failed to reach an agreement in mediation with their union and will continue their liquidation proceedings. So guess all those Ebay Twinkie auctions are back on. (Janice Hough)  


      After the election, 20 states said they've got to get out. They said, 'We can't take it anymore,' so 20 states are working on seceding from the United States. We're facing real economic problems, so take those 20 states that want to leave and charge them $10,000 apiece.  (David Letterman)

      20 states have now filed petitions to secede from the Union. And 20 other states say they want to have their hands stamped so they can leave the Union and then come back later. (Frank King)

      Got to love it. While some Texans have signed a petition to secede, some in Austin have in turn filed a petition to secede from Texas and remain part of the Union should that happen, stating it is "entirely feasible for Austin to operate as its own state." Hey, it could work.

      Texas Governor Rick Perry insisted the petitions statewide for Texas to secede from the Union aren't serious. Think it through. How many players at the skill positions will agree to play for the Dallas Cowboys if they're famously known as the Confederacy's Team? (Argus Hamilton)


      It's a Happy Thanksgiving in 49 states. Dallas lost. (Janice Hough)

      President Barack Obama has carried on the Thanksgiving tradition of pardoning two turkeys, named Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. (Maurizio Mariotti)

      In keeping with Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama pardoned two turkeys. Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh? (Terry Etter)

      Thursday is Thanksgiving. For that original turkey dinner, the Pilgrims sat down with Native Americans and prayed. "Bless this land, for which we’re about to steal." (Alan Ray)

      Thanksgiving is Thursday. The Pilgrims began a time-honored tradition around the dinner table that is still observed among families today. Pull my finger. (Alan Ray)

      Thursday is Thanksgiving. How is a green bean casserole like the relatives who stay over? After 24 hours, you are ready to throw it out.

      USA Today reported thousands of U.S. families set up laptops on Thanksgiving tables Thursday allowing them to get together via Skype broadcast. It's risky. Skype warns everybody at the start of the conversation not to start taking off their clothes out of habit. (Argus Hamilton)

      As a pre-Thanksgiving warning, make sure to cook your turkey well, because an undercooked turkey can cause death.  If you think that is a little extreme ask yourself this, "Are any of the original Pilgrims still alive?" (Steve Yeich)

      The Macy’s Thanksgiving parade is Thursday. What’s the difference between Santa’s reindeer sleigh and a Manhattan cab? The reindeer sleigh doesn’t smell nearly as pungent. (Alan Ray)

      I called the Butterball Hotline to get advice on how to stuff a turkey.  The lady on the phone was going into a detailed explanation telling me, "You get her good and hot. Then you spread the legs as wide as you can and you stuff it in." It was when she started breathing heavily that I realized I accidentally dialed a phone sex line. (Steve Yeich)


      The holiday shopping season starts Friday. Why is the mall Santa such a jolly old elf? He doesn’t have to stand in any lines. (Alan Ray)

      The holiday shopping season starts Friday. Millions will roam the malls for that most hard to find item. A decent parking space. (Alan Ray)

      The Christmas shopping season begins Friday. The mall will be adorned with the traditional array of color. Green and silver tinsel. Red and gold ribbons. Black and blue shoppers. (Alan Ray)

      People in the United States take their Black Friday shopping seriously. In Texas, a man pulled a gun on another after being punched in the face while standing in a line outside a Sears store. In Canada, we would say, "Excuse me." (Cam Hutchenson)

      Lots of controversy over Thanksgiving night store openings:. While I understand the problems for employees, it does make a certain amount of sense. Families could go right from watching football to participating in the real American contact sport -- shopping. (Janice Hough)

      In another Black Friday incident, a 71-year-old man ran over two people that were entering a Walmart store. What happened to old days when people just flipped birds? (Cam Hutchenson)

      The Mall of America in Minneapolis has banned teenagers from shopping alone on Black Friday. Which could be a mistake because with parents still trying to recover from the recession, teenagers are the only ones who still have spending cash these days. (Jim Barach)  

      As we head towards Cyber Monday, have to think retailers could get a lot more men participating if they could just figure out a way to bet on it. Hey, if we don't buy enough crap, we tank the economy. So shopping is actually somewhat patriotic. (Janice Hough)


      Encouraged by a positive review in the Wall Street Journal after he sang our national anthem, Mitt Romney bought a music studio and is making his first album, it will feature a Beatles song remix that he calls “Can’t buy me love, or an election”.  (Jerry W.) 

      Mitt Romney: "As I understand it, the 'three wise men' weren't really that wise, they just 'bought' that reputation by bribing the baby Jesus with gifts. And needless to say, the guy who brought the gold, instead of the frankincense or myrrh, was the one who eventually got elected king." (Don Davis)

      Mitt Romney told donors he lost the election because President Obama doled out money to interest groups. He canceled student loan interest for college kids, he gave birth control to women, and he increased benefits for the poor. Mitt Romney gave out gifts, but telling people they should've bought Apple stock ten years ago doesn't win him any votes. (Argus Hamilton)


      Yesterday Barack Obama looked especially good. He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took questions from the press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs.  (David Letterman)

      Obama is defending UN Ambassador, Susan Rice. He said, "If Senators McCain and Graham want to go after someone they should go after me, and then I’ll blame Bush." (Steve Yeich)

      President Obama toasted the end of decades-long dictatorship in Burma Sunday. It's amazing. Just a year ago, no one could have guessed this week's two headlines could be possible, that Burma has become a democracy and Lincoln is doing very well in theaters. (Argus Hamilton)

      Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama's major goals include jobs for women and Just For Men. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama is in town today. He's visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he's visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that's a different story.  (David Letterman)  


      Now that Hilary Clinton has helped mediate a truce in the Middle East, Obama needs to send her to New York to help resolve an even more critical conflict–the dispute between Hostess and the union. (Gary Bachman)  

      Hillary Clinton is considering leaving as the Secretary of State.  She also denies she’ll run for President in 2016.  She said all she wants to do is sleep.  Bill is worried.  He said, "Hopefully, sleep is all she wants to do in the bedroom." (Steve Yeich)

      There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death. (Jay Leno)


      Congress grilled the CIA and Pentagon over its cover story on the U.S. Consulate attack in Libya and its link to two generals in adulterous affairs. The hearings uncovered one valuable bit of military intelligence. If you want to keep something secret, don't use G-mail. (Argus Hamilton)

      Arizona elected the first openly bi-sexual congresswoman.  She said she’s a Democrat but she’s also willing to swing to the Republican side at times. (Steve Yeich)

      Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there. (Conan O'Brien)

      Capitol Hill welcomed the new House Members Monday including Arizona's Kyrsten Sinema. She's the first openly bisexual Member. Today's political sex scandals must be able to compete with adult movie channels for TV viewers, and twosomes no longer cut it. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Postal Service asked Congress Thursday for authority to close post offices more easily. They also want to end Saturday mail delivery, The Postal Service said last year it lost sixteen billion dollars, making it the most profitable department in the U.S. government. (Argus Hamilton)

      During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he's actually one of the guys who signed it. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Ron Paul says that secession is a 'deeply American principle'. Well, at least fighting another Civil War would be a lot less expensive than flying our troops halfway around the world to the Middle East. (Jim Barach)  

      Florida Senator Marco Rubio refused to estimate the Earth’s age, saying he isn’t a scientist. He knows the only thing worse than guessing too young on the Earth’s age is guessing too old on a woman’s age. (Jim Barach)  

      Jesse Jackson, Jr., iresigned from his House seat (D-IL) while being investigated  for fraudulent use of campaign funds. The previous representative for IL-02, Mel Reynolds, was convicted on 12 counts of sexual assault, obstruction of justice and solicitation of child pornography. In the true spirit of Illinois politics, Governor Pat Quinn, who will appoint someone to fill Jackson's seat, immediately listed the position on ebay. (Phil G.)


      A jury awarded $7.7 million to a former model on the 'Price is Right' after determining the show discriminated against her because of her pregnancy. Hey, 'Price is Right', have your models spayed or neutered. (Gary Bachman)  

      A former model on 'The Price Is Right' was awarded $8.5 million after a jury found she had been discriminated against when she was fired after taking maternity leave. The producers plan to appeal. They claim the jury overbid. (Terry Etter)


      New Jersey Governor Chris Christie went on Saturday Night Live to joke about the hurricane recovery efforts. He's easy to spot. Last night, Governor Christie dreamed he was eating a giant piece of beef jerky, and he woke up the next morning and his briefcase was missing. (Argus Hamilton)


      The governor of Florida vowed to find new ways to improve the state’s voting procedures.  The first step is to get the 80 year-old volunteer ballot counters to not get confused and use the ballots as cards to play canasta. (Steve Yeich)

      A gun store owner says he won't sell to Obama supporters because they aren't 'responsible' enough. "Like so many, when I think of responsible gun owners, I immediately think of Arizona." (Gary M,)


      San Francisco just voted to ban public nudity. The San Francisco Supervisor who originally proposed the public nudity ban was Scott Wiener. Can they work on Spandex next? (Janice Hough)

      The Board of Supervisors have voted to ban public nudity in San Francisco. Now the only naked thing on the streets will be the greed of Black Friday shoppers. (Bill Williams)  

      San Francisco lawmakers voted 6-5 in favour of banning public nakedness. So the anti-nudity law passed. Barely. (RJ Currie)

      A district attorney in upstate New York has admitted that he acted in pornographic movies in the 1970s. Some of the movies included, 'File These Briefs! and 'i'd Like To Make This Motion!' What's the old adage? "There are no bad porn actors, only small parts." (Tim Hunter)

      A Florida couple didn't make it to the hospital on time, so Dr. Timothy Hawkes, an orthopedic resident, delivered his own son in a parking lot. If the woman's husband was also her doctor, would she still swear? (Cam Hutchenson)

      A North Carolina balloonist imitated the Disney movie 'Up' by going airborne in a house attached to a cluster of helium balloons. Now there's a guy who needs a floating mortgage. (RJ Currie)

      A North Dallas woman claims the water in a Walmart toilet was so hot, it burned her bottom. The woman claims that while she was using the bathroom at the Walmart, hot water splashed. The report also says she bought a thermometer from the store and went back to the bathroom stall to check the temperature of the toilet water. She told police the thermometer read 109 degrees. She was not seriously hurt. (Rich Hancock)  

      A New Mexico gun shop employee accidently shot a customer. I wondered what Dick Cheney was doing these days. (Gary Bachman)   

      A Florida man was robbed, beaten and forced to remove his clothing on a busy street when an acquaintance pulled out a knife and told him to give up his clothes and money or he would cut him. He had it backwards, Lorena Bobbitt would say: "You take his clothes and then you cut him." (Cam Hutchenson)

      City fathers in Providence Rhode Island are perplexed by the recent theft of 241 hundred-and-eighty pound cast iron manhole covers. Police suspect someone is attaching legs to them and selling them at flea markets as designer coffee tables.  (Bob Mills)  

      Long Island residents are dealing with 100,000 cubic yards of garbage piled up by Hurricane Sandy. It’s getting so bad that the entire area may be annexed by New Jersey. (Jim Barach)  

      The Massachusetts State Highway Safety Director is being criticized for her driving record that includes seven accidents, four speeding tickets and two failures to stop for police. Apparently she has already been offered a job by the auto industry as a crash test dummy. (Jim Barach)  


      The Census Bureau says its new formula shows that California is the poorest state, with 23.5% of the people living below the poverty line. The poverty line in California is pretty much defined as the city limits of Bakersfield. (Jim Barach)  

      An advisory council says that white collar federal employees make 35% less than their counterparts in the private sector. But on the other hand, they get to waste 1,000% more money doing their jobs than people working for private companies who actually have to account for what they do. (Jim Barach)  

      The economy is so bad that on the way to work I saw Phil Jackson holding a sign that said, 'Will coach for food. (Jay Leno)

      The economy is so bad, President Obama sent Susan Rice out to defend it.  (David Letterman) 


      The U. S. Justice Department proudly announced the largest fine ever levied against an oil company -- $2 billion against BP for the Gulf spill last year. Like that will teach them a lesson. Most oil executives have more than that under their couch cushions.  (Bob Mills)  

      Wal-Mart workers threatened to walk off the job on Black Friday tomorrow. It's very tense. The cashiers want more pay, the stockers want more benefits and greeters don't want to have to fly to Spain every year to train on the streets of Pamplona for Black Friday. (Argus Hamilton)

      A company that makes marijuana dispensing machines saw its stock go up 3,000% after pot was legalized in several states. The stock that went up even more was for companies that make the vending machines for snacks that will be placed next to them. (Jim Barach)  

      Toys R Us sells a play microphone that produces laughter and applause when a child speaks into it. Wasn't It something like that that derailed Mitt Romney? (Bill Williams)

      The U. S. Public Research Group has issued its annual holiday warning of dangerous toys that includes Wal-Mart's plastic play food that constitutes a choking hazard and Target's 'Dora the Explorer' guitar that can cause deafness with prolonged use. Also a danger is Tyco's ''Let's Drive Like Lindsay!' suction cup plastic steering wheel and the 'L'il Mitt Job Generator' from Mattel that mints small plastic coins toddlers can swallow.  (Bob Mills)  

      Cracker Jack is launching a caffeine coated energy treat. The product will be targeted to one specific consumer demo. Parents who want their kids to never go to sleep. (Alan Ray)

      Denny's in Miami added five percent to each diner's bill to pay for Obama Care. They hate government spending. One look at Denny's Grand Slam breakfast and you realize no restaurant has prevented more people from getting old enough to collect Social Security. (Argus Hamilton)

      An exhibition in Tokyo features electronic inventions that never caught on with buyers like the hand-operated washing machine, the radio-shaped TV and the toaster that delivered the toast to your plate.  American technology has had its share of duds, too -- like the sun dial with a sweep second shadow or the toothpaste tube with a cap at both ends so it doesn't matter if you squeeze it in the middle.  (Bob Mills)   

      So there’s a new $35 knock-off iPad from India. Who needs that? I paid $35 for a real one last night at 2am up in the Bronx! (Neil Berliner)


      A Southwest Airlines en route to Dallas from Kansas City experienced a sudden drop in cabin pressure. I think Southwest has gone too far in their cost-cutting. One oxygen mask dropped down in each row of seats with a sign attached that said "Please Pass This Around."
        (Bob Mills)  


      The man who recanted his accusation of underage sex against Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash now apparently wants to recant his recantation, along with the $125,000 settlement. Even General Petraeus is thinking "Bad person to have a relationship with, dude." (Janice Hough)

       The guy who for 28 years provided the voice of Sesame Street character Elmo resigned after being accused of having sex with a minor. May not mean much to you, but Jerry Sandusky thinks he'll finally be getting a cellmate he can get some sleep next to.  (Bob Mills)  

      In the future will proof of age be required to purchase a Tickle Me Elmo? (Janice Hough)  

      Guessing those 'Tickle Me Elm' dolls aren't going to be such a hot seller this Christmas. Or will they be stocked in 'adult boutiques'? (Janice Hough)  


      The National Museum of Computing in England has restored and booted up the world's oldest computer, from way back in 1951. Naturally this thing is old and slow, but it's dumb too. It says, "Don't buy Microsoft." (Bill Williams)  


      Swedish police say they arrested a woman for allegedly having sex with a human skeleton. Honest. Make no bones about it. (RJ Currie)


      Have you ever seen a Palestinian Turducken? First you take a turkey and shove a duck in it. Then you shove a chicken inside the duck. Then you shove an IED inside the chicken, and then you fire the whole thing into Israel. (Frank King)

      Israel moved Israeli troops to the Gaza border Friday in response to a rocket attack by Hamas. The Hamas military commander was killed by a drone as he sat in his car on the side of the road. It's yet another reminder never to let your AAA membership lapse. (Argus Hamilton)

      After Israeli forces killed the top military leader of a terrorist group, the terrorists were so depressed they no longer had to will to blow themselves up in a truck on a suicide run. (Steve Yeich)

      Hillary Clinton helped broker a cease-fire between Hamas miitants in the Gaza Strip and the Israelis on Wednesday. Doves still won't fly near the place. What does it say about a peace agreement when two hundred people were killed in the celebratory gunfire? (Argus Hamilton)


      A study says that playing video games can give kids the skills they need to be a skilled surgeon. Apparently playing “Grand Theft Auto” gives kids the skills to become a successful health insurance executive. (Jim Barach)

      Here's an alarming statistic from the CDC:  You're almost twice as likely to suffer from food poisoning today than you were just two years ago.  You know you may soon be among the unsuspecting victims if your waiter gives you a Handy Wipe suck on while you're waiting for your order.  (Bob Mills)  

      A study says that early puberty may heighten the heart attack risk for women. Mostly for moms who go into shock when they find out their young daughters are already pregnant. (Jim Barach)  


      Teams called Giants have won this year's Super Bowl, World Series and Japanese World Series. Bet on Goliath if he can get a rematch. (Jack Finarelli) 

      Maryland and Rutgers are the 13th and 14th members of the Big Ten. And we wonder why football players are bad at math. (Janice Hough)  

      Rutgers and Maryland to the Big 10? Right, because when you think of the Midwest, you think of New Jersey and Maryland. (Janice Hough)


      The Los Angeles Lakers just lost 97-113 to the Sacramento Kings. Have the calls already started to fire Mike D'Antoni? (Janice Hough)


      My friend Tarun Reddy points out the Miami Marlins FB status update today: "Skip the lines and save up to 30% on Marlins gear at marlins.com" Wonder if this also means for other MLB teams that there will be a 30% discount on any remaining Marlins players. (Janice Hough)

      Triple Crown winner Miguel Cabrera captured the American League MVP award. In related news, baseball writers from Florida got their ballots in three days late and voted for Carl Yastrzemski. (Mike Bianchi) 


      NCAA news: Stanford upset the #1 Ranked Oregon Ducks last week. It was such a surprise to Stanford that not even their tuba player was ready at the end of the game. (TC Chong)

      The Chicago Bears played the San Francisco 49ers without their starting quarterbacks Monday due to concussions. It was inevitable. The New York Times that morning called for a ninety percent tax on the rich and the quarterbacks passed out cold and hit their heads on the floor. (Argus Hamilton)

      So throwing a challenge flag on a play that should be automatically reviewed not only is a penalty, but makes the play unreviewable? What a shame for Detroit that they didn't have replacement refs who wouldn't have known that stupid rule. (Janice Hough)  

      A question about those Pittsburgh throwback jerseys. Can they throw them back? (Janice Hough)

      Chiefs coach Romeo Crennel said he was going with his instincts in starting backup quarterback Brady Quinn against the Denver Broncos. Call it the Brady hunch. (RJ Currie)

      The Oakland Raiders have been outscored 123-34 in the third quarter this year. Uh, maybe instead of halftime adjustments the team should spend the time doing something more productive,  like updating their Facebook pages. (Janice Hough)  


      A man in Canada has paid more than $5,000 for a toilet that used to be in the Toronto Maple Leafs’ locker room. An appropriate purchase, considering where the NHL season is going. (Terry Etter)

      This Grey Cup marks the 50th anniversary of the infamous Fog Bowl. A few years later, the Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup. They've been in a fog ever since. (RJ Currie)


      Grey Cup officials did not want Stampeder fans from bringing Gary Bettman as their mascot in to the Royal York Hotel’s lobby. The Calgary contingent were given the ok when it was revealed that they planned to bring an entire horse, and not just the rear half. (TC Chong)

      The CFL dodged a potential embarrassment when the BC Lions lost to Calgary last week. Toronto (who is the eastern representative) and BC are owned by David Braley. If Jerry Jones was ever in this position, he would have to clone himself so he could be on both sidelines at the same time. (TC Chong)

      The mayors of the Grey Cup contestants, Calgary and Toronto have made a friendly bet. The loser has to contribute his weight in regional food to the winning city’s Food Bank. Somehow, this doesn’t seem fair. Alberta Beef vs Sashimi from Lake Ontario? (TC Chong)

      Three possible reasons why NASCAR's Danica Patrick and her husband are divorcing after seven years of marriage: 3. She keeps appearing in racy photos; 2. He has a one-track mind; 1. She's given to yelling Go Daddy. (RJ Currie)


      Jack Taylor, A Div 3 NCAA basketball player scored a record 138 points vs Faith Baptist School. Faith Baptist players who wish to continue with this sport after graduating will be invited to the next Washington Generals training camp. (TC Chong)

      Grinnell’s Jack Taylor scored 138 points in a college basketball game against Faith Baptist Bible. Apparently, Faith Baptist was playing an “ozone” defense–it had a big hole in it. Taylor scored more times than a US general (Gary Bachman)  

      USC redshirt freshman quarterback Max Wittek is making his first start Sat. against #1 Notre Dame. And said today "I'm gonna go out there, I'm gonna play within myself, within the system, and we're gonna win this ballgame." Well he may be young, but if nothing else, Wittek's cocky enough to be a true Trojan. (Janice Hough)  

      Bears quarterback Jay Cutler was reportedly cleared by doctors to practice "in a limited capacity." He is different than N.Y. Jets quarterbacks, who play in a limited capacity. (RJ Currie)

      Apparently 76ers center Andrew Bynum may have further damaged his knees while bowling. So for other professional athletes signing contracts, will this mean one more added to the list of prohibited dangerous sports? (Janice Hough)

      Reports out of Philadelphia say 76ers center Andrew Bynum, already sidelined with a knee injury, has hurt the other knee -- while bowling. So what do you classify this injury as, a lane violation? Or maybe he's just allergic to hardwood. (Dwight Perry)

      Arriving online this week, just in time for Black Friday: the Mariners' Holiday Gift Guide. Prices range from $7.97 for an M's cuff-knit stocking cap to $8.5 million for a gently-worn Chone Figgins. (Dwight Perry)

      Quarterback Michael Vick called for another players' only meeting after the Eagles loss in Washington. Only this time, he couldn't remember what he wanted to talk about. (TC Chong)

      US soccer goalie, Hope Solo, married former Seattle Seahawks, Jerramy  Stevens, the day after he was charged with domestic violence against her. Who is their marriage counselor, OJ Simpson? (Alex Kaseberg) 


      Madonna performed a strip tease at her New York concert Monday to raise cash for local Hurricane Sandy victims. She's one of a kind. In a backstage interview Madonna disclosed she was once abducted by aliens, and it was a mistake the aliens made just on

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