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Weakly Humerus News 11-11-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-11-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK The presidential race continues. Did you forget about that for a few days? Maybe
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 12, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-11-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      The presidential race continues. Did you forget about that for a few days? Maybe the only good thing about the hurricane is that we forgot about the presidential race.  (David Letterman)  

      Wouldn't it be much more efficient if the Presidential Election were simply staged in Ohio, which always seems to represent the final result anyway? It would save a lot of money and fuel, and the rest of the country could avoid the bombardment of campaign ads for that office. (Tom Dodd)

      Yesterday in Virginia, Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for making puns about his name, like 'Romnesia'. Then he said, "I mean it’s just an 'Obamanation'." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Colorado and Washington legalized recreational marijuana last night. Well, it's high time! (Janice Hough)

      Just think, in two more days none of us will be receiving countless emailed solicitations for political donations. Those emails will be replaced by countless solicitations for Christmas shopping. (Janice Hough)

      Interesting results from Tuesday's election.  In California, they actually voted for higher taxes.  Up north, in Washington State, they voted for just higher. (Tim Hunter)  

      The gas shortage from Hurricane Sandy in New York has already prompted people to start trading gas for sex on Craigslist. To which oil companies are saying that’s nothing new. They have been screwing people at the pumps for years. (Steve Yeich)

      The LA Lakers severed ties with coach Mike Brown just five games into the season. Looks like they've started working on their fast break. (RJ Currie) 

      Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney. (Conan O'Brien)

      Today in Florida and Ohio, millions of residents discovered they are actually HAPPY to turn on the television and see used-car commercials. (Janice Hough)

      A nun in Buffalo, NY has been charged with stealing $128,000 from two churches. They say she’s addicted to gambling and spent the money at casinos. Just shows that even nuns can have bad habits. (Terry Etter)

      Banned from sale in the United States since 1912, absinthe is now approved by the FDA. The 100+ proof, distilled from worm wood aperitif, was once described by Oscar Wilde as "producing the ability to see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world."  However, contrary to centuries-old belief, there appears to be no empirical evidence that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (Bob Mills)

      The Brazilian who auctioned her virginity and the man who bought it will seal the deal in a plane over international waters. Talk about flying united! (RJ Currie) 

      California has issued a drivers license to a man who is legally blind. When asked to comment the man said he couldn’t see any problem. (Bill Williams)

      It's being called the worst natural disaster to hit New York City in recent memory. No, not tropical storm Sandy; quarterback Mark Sanchez. (RJ Currie) 

      THE ELECTION

      You folks ready to vote? On the bright side, after Tuesday we'll finally be rid of at least one candidate. That's good news.  (David Letterman)

      THE CAMPAIGNS

      Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said today, "We’re strongly opposed to FEMA and health care, but basically O.K. with rape. Our argument couldn't be simpler: when God wants to create a hurricane or make a woman pregnant, big government should get out of the way." (Andy Borowitz)   

      The election is Tuesday. Regardless of political party, candidates at all levels have the same positive message for voters. "I don’t suck as bad as my opponent." (Alan Ray)  

      There have been so many versions of Mitt Romney in the 2012 election sometimes I have to wonder if the only consistent thing voters have to base their decision on is that he's the white one. (Janice Hough)

      In the last three weeks, Mitt Romney has come out against tax cuts for the rich, against war, and suddenly for regulations, for teachers, for auto bailouts, for the UN, for birth control, for foreign aid. And what I love is that at this point it's too late for the Tea Party to do anything about this except act like they're okay with it. At this point they're at this point they're like Jerry Sandusky's wife. (Bill Maher)

      Karl Rove is already blaming Hurricane Sandy for a potential Romney loss? If so, would that give further credence to those who have been saying for a while "God is coming, and boy is She pissed?" (Janice Hough)

      ELECTION DAY

      American voters went to the polls Tuesday to select a Democratic president who will be blocked by Republicans or a GOP president who will be blocked by Democrats. So there's no reason for either side to worry. If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal. (Argus Hamilton)

      The highlight of the Election Night coverage was FOX News. In an imitation of a Saturday Night Live skit, the segment had Karl Rove and the Fox News Commentators not believing Fox's announcement that Obama had won Ohio and thus had been re-elected. The actors having decided the announcement was definitely premature with only 75% of the vote counted in Ohio, visited the statisticians to try to convince them to revoke their announcement until Ohio's vote was completed. It was hilarious. Fox's version of Fair and Unbiased News. (Stan Kegel) 

      Election Day arrived Tuesday allowing Americans to elect the next president. After two years of continuous speeches, the country is evenly split. One-third want Romney, one-third want Obama and one-third want to ask Queen Elizabeth to forgive us and take us back. (Argus Hamilton)

      I went out to vote. I was in line for four hours. And then it turned out later that it was a gas line.  (David Letterman)   

      CNN called California, Hawaii and Washington at 15 seconds after 8:00pm. What took them so long? For that matter CNN also said Romney would win Utah as soon as the polls closed. Uh, they could have called that in January 2009. (Janice Hough)

      Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders

      Politics makes strange bedfellows, and this election is so close, Obama and Romney may have to move bunk beds into the Lincoln bedroom. (Phil G.)

      This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy! (Donald J. Trump)

      NBC News was the first to call the election for President Obama. ABC News was the first to call a cab for Diane Sawyer. (Jay Leno)

      It was a big night for the Democrats. Obama was on the electoral vote and the popular vote. Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote.  (David Letterman)   

      Eleven point gender gap as women went for Obama 55 to 44. So is the next step for the GOP an attempt to repeal the 19th amendment? (Janice Hough)

      In his victory speech last night, President Obama told his daughters that they would not be getting another dog. When asked why, the president said, 'Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch. (Conan O'Brien)

      Mitt Romney still deciding which Mitt Romney will deliver Mitt Romney's concession speech. (BigBirdRomney)

      Mitt waited until 1 a.m. to give his concession speech. They were talking to him and said what are you going to do now? And he said, "I plan to spend some time with my tax returns."  (David Letterman)   

      I thought Mitt Romney was very gracious last night. He gave a very touching concession speech. And the good news for Romney is that he can still run for president of the Cayman Islands. (Jay Leno)

      America cast its historic vote today, sending Barack and Michelle Obama back to the White House while sending Mitt and Ann Romney back to 1954. The election meant the end of the road for Mr. Romney, who had been actively seeking the Presidency for the past sixty-five years. (Andy Borowitz)  

      If he had won tonight, Mr. Romney would have become the first man elected President after telling half of the country to screw themselves. (Andy Borowitz)  

      You know, had we just let the South secede the biggest issue after tonight's election would be if U.S. President Obama would sign a treaty with Confederacy President Romney, or maybe Santorum. (Janice Hough)

      Donald Trump is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for revolution since Obama won. The man's a billionaire who owns golf courses, okay. You don't call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution. 

      President Obama easily won his home state of Illinois. In fact, in Chicago Obama got 120 percent of the vote. (Jay Leno)

      After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys. (Conan O'Brien)  

      What is going on in Florida? They still haven't finished counting the votes there yet. You know, at this point, Florida shouldn't even be allowed to vote for 'American Idol'. (Jay Leno)

      They are still counting votes in Florida. They're still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama defeated Mitt Romney last night. We know this for sure despite the fact that the returns from Florida still have not been counted. What goes on in Florida? They had four years to fix this. We need to make sure Florida never gets the Olympics. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      "The long national nightmare is finally over. We have expressed our will at the polls. The results have been tallied and we proved once again that American democracy is alive and well -- even if Florida was more confused than an old person with an iPhone."  (Craig Ferguson)

      THE AFTERMATH

      Four counties in Florida were still counting votes today. It's important that they get all of the votes counted because the numbers could drastically affect the outcome of this election in no way whatsoever. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Florida’s electoral votes have still not been handed out yet as the state is still counting ballots. They say they will finish up just as soon as they are done finalizing the 2000 results. (Steve Yeich)

      It has been two days, and Florida still hasn't finished counting all the votes from Tuesday night's election. Of course, it's gonna be weird when they're finally done. They're like, "The winner is -- Al Gore?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare. (Jay Leno)

      Vice President Joe Biden said now that the election is over, he's going to take a vacation. He's been vice president for four years. That is a vacation

      I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney – and he seems like an upbeat guy -- is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of that first debate over and over and over.  (David Letterman)   

      His wife Ann said, "Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go spend some time with your money."  (David Letterman)   

      "Pack the dog up on the roof, Ann." (Neil Berliner) 

      On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney's staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it 'the scariest two minutes of my life'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Barack succeeded by suppressing the vote. Obama’s attacks on Romney’s character discouraged people from voting and reduced the popular vote. (Karl Rove)

      A chief fundraiser for Mitt Romney says that Hurricane Sandy and Chris Christie cost Romney 4-5 percentage points in the election. One was a huge, uncontrollable destructive bag of wind. The other was a big storm. (Steve Yeich)

      Hurricane Sandy saved Barack Obama’s presidency. It broke the momentum that Romney had coming into the end of October. (Haley Barbour) 

      So, while we'd like to say that Obama's reelection means we dodged a bullet on Tuesday, really, how are we to know? Romney based his whole campaign on giving no clear indication whatsoever how he would actually govern. Our best guess is that even Romney didn't know. Perhaps he was planning on winging it. (The Lester & Charlie Institute of Forward Thinking)

      Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I'm saying, 'What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That's not the Republicans I know.  (David Letterman)   

      House Speaker John Boehner today called for an extension of the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich, thus ending a streak of pretending to work with President Obama that lasted forty-eight hours. "We knew he couldn't hold out much longer," said Carol Foyler of Guinness World Records. "Still, John Boehner pretending to be bipartisan for forty-eight hours is pretty darn impressive," she said, noting that his previous record stood at twenty minutes. (Andy Borowitz)  

      Karl Rove was running the Republican deal. He spent $400 million to try to get his party in power. They don't know what happened. The Republicans are confused and scratching their heads. They won't know what happened until they find the black box.  (David Letterman)   

      Keep in mind, this was no landslide, folks. It was like a 51-49er. Just because Obama won these blue states up here, he's the president of all of them now? Look, Romney won all that red stuff. Why don't we elect our president on square footage? Because Romney won some big states, folks, whole damn south. (Stephen Colbert)  

      Some more good news – the president announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump. (Jay Leno)

      The decline of America is due to the rise of government dependence. There are 50 percent of the voting public who want stuff and who is going to give them stuff? President Obama. (Bill O’Reilly)

      Some Republicans are taking it hard. Clint Eastwood spent the entire day buying drinks for an empty bar stool.  (David Letterman)   

      Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama's Electoral College records. (Jay Leno)

      The Democrat Party voted God out and replaced Him with Romans 1. In the Good vs. Evil battle today, Evil won. (Victoria Jackson)

      THE NATION

      The birth rate in the United States has hit an all-time low. But to be fair, basketball season has just started. It’s going to take a while for these guys to get out there and go to different towns. Just be patient. (Jay Leno)

      THE HURRICANES & THE WEATHER

      Everybody’s mind is on Hurricane Sandy. The worst is over. Now people are discussing the cause. Sources say that it was partly caused by global warming. Meanwhile, Fox News said it was caused by two men kissing in Central Park. (Conan O'Brien)

      Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up.  (Bill Maher)

      After watching Obama/ Christie, looks like we finally discovered the blueprint for continued bipartisanship in this country. More hurricanes! (Will Durst)

      Chris Christie praised President Obama for his response to Hurricane Sandy. Nice bipartisan statement. And makes sense. I am sure Christie would rather run against Hillary, Biden or Cuomo in 2016 rather than an incumbent Romney. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney worked at an Ohio Red Cross Center bagging emergency relief supplies for Hurricane Sandy victims. Many people failed to heed his warning. Last Sunday Mitt Romney urged everybody in the hurricane's path to retreat to their second or third homes. (Argus Hamilton)

      5 million were without power. 5,000,050 if you count the Detroit Tigers and New York Yankees.  (Janice Hough)  

      New York was hit with a major snowstorm just days after tropical storm Sandy. It's one disaster after another, like Tim Tebow going in for Mark Sanchez. (RJ Currie) 
      The stock market was closed for two days, yesterday and today. You know what that means? Although our lives were in danger, at least for two days our money was safe. (Jay Leno)

      Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time -- instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina. (Craig Ferguson)

      A line going around the internet is that they should have renamed the storm Hurricane A-Rod, then it wouldn't have hit anyone. (Janice Hough)

      The New York Marathon is now not happening on Sunday. Mayor Bloomberg canceled it. I think that was the right thing to do. In fact, I don't even know why they bother running the marathon. We know what's going to happen. Why not just find a random Kenyan, put a medal around his neck, and save everyone the trouble? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Local officials are doing whatever they can to help those affected by Hurricane Sandy. Newark Mayor Corey Booker has been inviting people to his house. This either makes him the coolest or creepiest mayor ever. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots. (Stephen Colbert)  

      Superstorm Sandy completely devastated the New Jersey shore, toppling familiar Boardwalk attractions like the Tilt-a-Whirl, the Ferris Wheel and the Tornado roller coaster. The only thing they've found left standing was Snooki. (Bob Mills)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Scottie Pippin helped President Obama's team win a pickup basketball game on Election Day. Out of habit, Michael Jordan took the credit. (RJ Currie)

      Yesterday, Barack Obama met with the people who helped him get re-elected. Unfortunately, Mitt Romney couldn’t be present. (Gary Bachman)

      The overwhelming support that women gave to President Obama was because they were afraid that Romney was going to take away their birth control pills. Obama treated them like vaginas so they supported him. (Russ Limbaugh)

      President Obama's supporters found out Tuesday that he won thirty-nine percent of the white vote. That's the same percentage of white Americans who play golf. Apparently President Obama hooked his first term so far to the left they agreed to give him a Mulligan. (Argus Hamilton)

      ADMINISTRATION

      So was General Petraeus brought down in the end because his mistress thought he was cheating on her and started threatening that other 'other woman'? If so, we can start casting the made for TV movie now. (Janice Hough)

      Attention guys cheating on wives. The head of the CIA just got caught cheating on his wife. Your stupid ass will not get away with it.  (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress turns its attention today to a budget deal to avoid the fiscal cliff looming in December. A new report says duplicate programs cost U.S. taxpayers billions each year. Congress was so interested in this study that they're ordering a second study to look into it. (Argus Hamilton)

      If Congress does nothing, the U.S. could go off a so-called fiscal cliff that could cause another worldwide financial collapse like the one in 2008. Congress had a lot of questions about this scenario, like, "What do you mean if we do nothing?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      A Santa Claus impersonating reindeer farmer was elected to Congress in Michigan. Let’s be honest. When it comes to their own district, every member of Congress is a Santa impersonator. (Steve Yeich)

      Well, Mitch McConnell got what he asked for and Obama will be a one term president. Fortunately for Obama, his one term is going to be 8 years long. (Jerry W.)

      Senator Robert Menendez was named as a sex client by two hookers last week. They said he offered them five hundred dollars but only gave them one hundred. He explained that in Washington D.C., U.S. Senators and prostitutes give each other professional discounts. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE COURTS

      The New York Supreme Court ruled that ballet dancing has more cultural benefit than lap dancing. It was a simple decision based on one criteria, a tutu can hold more twenties than a thong. (Bill Williams)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Rush Limbaugh said that Gov. Chris Christie has a “man-love” for Barack Obama. Actually, the only 'man-love' Christie has is for Papa John. (Gary Bachman)

      Mitt Romney was so convinced he would win, his campaign bought $25,000 worth of fireworks for their victory celebration. Of course, they were made in China. (Terry Etter)

      Donald Trump has been fired from managing the upscale condominium in New York City known as 'Trump Place.' The condominium board fired him. Finally a job loss Obama can be happy about. (Jay Leno)

      George W. Bush spoke to the Cayman Islands Investment Summit held last week. The bad news is he thinks he found weapons of mass destruction in the Cayman Islands. The good news is that our troops can stash their salaries there tax-free until the war's over. (Argus Hamilton)

      Las Vegas casino owner Sheldon Adelson spent more than $54 million on losing races Tuesday, mostly on the Presidential election. Wonder how tight his slot machines will be this weekend to make up for it? (Janice Hough)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      Al Gore is looking to sell his TV channel.  Maybe he could merge it with CNN.  With their combined power they could have a viewing audience reaching well into double figures. (Steve Yeich)

      CIVIL RIGHTS

      Concerns are being raised over possible exploitation of mentally disabled voters. Apparently there isn’t much that can be done since the law says even Tea Partiers have the same rights at the polls as everyone else. (Steve Yeich)

      John Sununu is of Palestinian descent. This proves that a Palestinian can make it in American politics if he somehow becomes a white racist.  (Paul Benoit) 

      THE STATES - MARIJUANA

      Washington and Colorado residents made history Tuesday when they voted to legalize recreational marijuana use. In a related story, half the Oregon football players put in transfer requests to the Huskies and Buffaloes. (Dwight Perry)

      Last night Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets. (Jimmy Fallon)  

      Colorado voted to legalize marijuana for recreational use. The Mile High just became figurative. (Josh Dylan)

      Washington State legalized the recreational use of marijuana. Seattle Seahawks fans will be able to purchase 'nickel or dime defense' bags to take to their seats. (TC Chong)

      Washington State legalized the recreational use of marijuana. Cheech and Chong have been signed to every Mariners home game next season to sing 'Toke Me Out to the Ball Game'. 'The National Anthem' will be sung by the Doobie Brothers. . (TC Chong)

      Washington State legalized the recreational use of marijuana. Washington Public Transit, not to be outdone by clever names such as BART, MBT and Skytrain will be now be re-marketed as CanniBUS. (TC Chong)

      LOCAL NEWS

      NYC has ordered the rationing of gas. No one can purchase more than 16 ounces. (Gary Bachman)

      Dead men won elections in Florida and Alabama. And in 2014 they will vote in Illinois elections. (Gary Bachman)

      Voters in Los Angeles approved a measure to require porn actors to use condoms. This will change the industry's terminology. It will add new meaning to the term 'feature length'. (Alan Ray)  

      L.A. County voters have mandated that condoms be worn in the making of all porn movies. Which means that instead of at the end of a scene, the beginning will start out with the director yelling "That’s a wrap!" (Steve Yeich)

      Staples Center's bid to build an NFL stadium in Los Angeles got the green light Friday when it settled with downtowners. The builders agreed to construct affordable housing and hire ex-felons. This is the first indication that the Raiders are returning to Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)

      A New York man is taking the Catholic Church to court after a 270-kilogram crucifix toppled and crushed his right leg. Defense attorneys plan a heavy cross examination. (RJ Currie)

      A World Series fan in San Francisco claims police ticketed her for trespassing after she fell out of the bleachers and landed behind the center-field fence, olice did cut her a break, opting not to file littering charges for the cup she dropped on the way down. (Brad Dickson)

      Las Vegas spent $15 million to create a Mob Museum to honor members of the Mafia who founded the desert oasis. Most popular exhibits are in the “Offers That Couldn’t be Refused” wing that features a display of wall-mounted horses’ heads. (Bob Mills)
       
      An unnamed Las Vegas business owner fired 22 employees after Barack Obama won re-election. The business owner said before the election that there would be consequences should Obama win. (TC Chong)

      A Cleveland woman who drove on a sidewalk to get around a school bus must wear a sign saying she is an “idiot”. The judge originally sentenced her to the same message by wearing a Cleveland Browns jersey but determined it would be cruel and unusual punishment. (Steve Yeich)

      Coaches in Florida have been busted for betting on kid-football games. Players shouldn't be asked to shave points until they can actually shave. (Steve Yeich)

      THE ECONOMY

      When people complain about how expensive these political campaigns are, they’re forgetting about the millions of Americans who are employed making negative ads. Say what you will about lies, vitriol and character assassination, they’re job creators. Although the $2.5 billion spent this year was a 'tidy sum', if we took all the money we spend on political ads and used it to educate our children and feed the poor, we wouldn’t be America. (Andy Borowitz)

      Oil experts say the price of oil will stay low after the election. Mostly because now that the elections are over, the oil companies don’t have to jack up the prices to give their candidates all those healthy donations. (Steve Yeich)

      If the U.S. debt were divided among Americans under 18, it would average out to $218,000 per person. Which still lets them off easier than if any of them were planning to pay to go to college. (Steve Yeich)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      McDonald’s sales have dropped for the first time since 2003. The only thing that has grown as steadily since then is the American waistline. (Steve Yeich)

      Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that in the next few years technology will make jobs like postal workers, telephone operators and toll collectors obsolete. Mostly because people can’t write, only use their cell phones for games and can’t afford gas to drive their cars. (Steve Yeich)

      A U.S. company is combining baby jumpsuits with mops so infants can polish the floor as they crawl. If this keeps up, they'll have more child laborers than Nike. (RJ Currie) 

      MasterCard has rolled out a new credit card with a display and keypad. Apparently it can instantly tell you after each purchase how many years it will take to climb out of debt. (Steve Yeich)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Ex-Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky begins his prison sentence. He’ll discover the hoosegow is different from the gridiron. Illegal use of the hands isn’t an infraction. It’s a first date. (Alan Ray)

      TERRORISM 

      There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead. Yesterday, both were registered to vote in Chicago. (Wuff Wider)

      NASA & SPACE

      The Mars Curiosity Rover used its mobile chemistry lab to appraise soil compounds Tuesday. Next its drilling bit will drill underground. They only way they'll get Democrats and Republicans to increase NASA's budget is to find both drugs and oil on another planet. (Argus Hamilton)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      A majority of Puerto Ricans have voted for the first time to endorse becoming the 51st state. People who aren’t sure they want a 51st state are asking if we can just trade them straight across for Mississippi.

      GREAT BRITAIN

      At 85, Queen Elizabeth II is Britain’s oldest-ever monarch, eclipsing the record previously held by Queen Victoria.  She's the longest reigning queen in history -- unless, of course, you count Elton John. (Bob Mills)

      Tourism officials in Romania are claiming that Prince Charles is descended from Count Dracula. Talk about Royal blood! (RJ Currie)

      A study of 1,000 men in Britain found 33 per cent are obese. The study was based on men looking down and seeing if they could see themselves, if you know what I mean. I’m thinking the size of the stomach wasn’t the only measuring stick. (Cam Hutchenson) 
       
      AFRICA

      A 20-year-old woman in Kenya named her newborn twins Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. In a related story, Donald Trump says he will donate $5 million to charity if he can see baby Barack’s birth certificate. (TC Chong)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Iran's President Ahmadinejad ridiculed the expense of the U.S. elections. Apparently he realizes how much money can be saved when a country allows just one candidate on the ballot. (Steve Yeich)

      SCIENCE

      Divers with the Hawaii Undersea Research Laboratory discovered an unknown reef that is the home of what they believe may be a new species of deep sea sponge. They were stunned when they noticed that it appears to be wearing square pants. (Bob Mills)

      HEALTH

      Doctors say it's the best time to get the flu shot. This year there is the seal flu. It comes from seals to humans. If you're inflected with the seal flu, you get the chills and an uncontrollable desire to balance balls on your nose. (Craig Ferguson)

      Men’s Health Magazine has ranked their '20 Worst Foods in America' with Aussie Cheese Fries from The Outback topping the artery-clogging list with 2900 calories and 182 fat grams. (Bob Mills)

      Scientists claim they have developed a stem cell treatment for male fertility. Frankly, as a male, I don’t see the benefit of being able to knock up a stem cell. (Bill Williams)

      The GOP seems to have altered Kubler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief. Now, they’re denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finger-pointing. (Will Durst)

      Turns out Bee Venom is the latest skin rejuvenator used by the Stars and celebrities, like Kate Middleton. Makes sense, since she may someday be the Queen Bee.  (Will the Thrill)

      Airports in Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Newark and San Francisco offer flu shots to arriving and departing passengers. And those whose security x-rays show a sprain or inflammation may qualify for a Cortisone shot. (Bob Mills)

      THE ENVIRONMENT

      The bad news is that yesterday marks the end of daylight savings time. The good news is we lose an hour of political commercials. (Bill Williams)

      SPORTS

      Except for Florida, Mitt did carry the SEC.
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