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Weakly Humerus News 10-07-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-07-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Paul Ryan now says that President Obama’s foreign policy has ‘blown up in his
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 7, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-07-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Paul Ryan now says that President Obama’s foreign policy has ‘blown up in his face’ and it’s time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let’s see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn’t that the Republican foreign policy? (Jay Leno)  

      Last night was the first presidential debate at the University of Denver. Of course, a lot of big names didn't show up for the event -- Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, President Obama. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Most analysts think Mitt Romney won the debate last night. Which means President Obama lost two fights on his anniversary last night. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I should have known--it turns out Jim Lehrer was a replacement moderator.  (Tim Hunter)

      In an effort to reboot his campaign, President Obama plans to announce some bold initiatives for his second term, including killing Osama bin Laden again. (Andy Borowitz)

      Mitt Romney’s California garbage man criticizes Romney’s 47% comments in a new video. The Romney campaign dismissed the video as just trash talking. (Gary Bachman)  

      Quarterback Tony Romo threw five interceptions in the Cowboys' Monday night loss to the Bears. I haven't seen so many ill-fated passes in one evening since I tried speed dating. (RJ Currie) 

      There's now a search engine that is exclusively for porn: search.xxx That's good. Porn has always been so hard to find on the Internet.  (Tim Hunter)

      A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for 'Dancing With the Stars'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Dodgers are a fortune 500 team. They spent a fortune to play .500. (Jon Heyman)

      The Texas Rangers have just been declared the official baseball team of the U.S. Ryder Cup squad. (Janice Hough)

      Clint Eastwood's movie, 'Trouble with the Curve' only opened in 3rd place.  When Clint saw the empty seats in the theater he said, "Well, at least Obama came to see my movie." (Steve Yeich)

      THE FIRST DEBATE

      The presidential debate is on Wednesday. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican senator who plays the part of President Obama. Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine. (Conan O'Brien)  

      These debates are tightly controlled. Each side, Obama and Romney, had to agree to 32 pages of rules. It's like being a Kardashian husband. (David Letterman)

      For many Americans, a presidential debate is like a NASCAR race -- they only tuned in to see the potential wrecks(Janice Hough)

      Paul Ryan, lowering expectations about Wednesday: President Barack Obama's "done these kinds of debates before. This is Mitt's first time on this kind of a stage." Does that mean even Ryan couldn't bear to watch the GOP Primary debates? (Janice Hough)

      Debate viewers may play 'Kegger-vote 2012', a drinking game where they down a beer each time Mitt chokes or dodges a question. In a related story, DWI lawyers are clearing their schedules for the day after the debate.  (Jerry W.)

      It's being reported that Mitt Romney's goal for tonight's debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama's goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney. (Conan O'Brien)

      I understand they are going to have "fact checkers" standing by -- just in case either candidate happens to say something factual. (Jay Leno)

      There was a coin toss to see which candidate would speak first. There was an awkward moment just before the coin toss when Romney asked, "What's that shiny little disk you're holding? (Conan O'Brien)

      Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Tebow is like Romney -- almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama's like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now. (Jay Leno)

      The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs. (Jay Leno)

      Anyone else but me would have liked to see a debate tonight between Romney 2012 and that guy who was Governor of Massachusetts from 2003-2007? (Janice Hough) I'd rather watch a debate between the Romney at the first presidential debate and the Romney of the primary debates. (Stan Kegel) 

      The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation's all thinking the same thing -- just one more day until Thursday Night Football. (Jay Leno)

      Another mistake from President Obama. He said that last night he "didn't debate the real Mitt Romney." As if there was a 'real' Mitt Romney. (Janice Hough)

      Political scientists say the presidential debates don’t matter in who is going to win the election. Apparently elections are still decided the traditional way, by who raises the most money and slings the most mud in their TV ads.  (Jim Barach)

      OBAMA

      President Obama took three days off from the campaign Friday to prepare for the debate Wednesday. He has a team of fifteen people who'll prep him for the debates. Ten of them are assigned to stand in front of the TV set and block the president's view of the Ryder Cup. (Argus Hamilton)

      For tomorrow's debate, President Obama's advisers have been working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the president plans on saying are "bin Laden" and "dead." That's it. (Conan O'Brien)

      The only thing that could have salvaged the president's performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      To make matters worse, last night was President Obama's wedding anniversary. Let me tell you something. The only way his anniversary could've been worse is if he'd forgotten it. (Jay Leno)

      Denver University hosted a presidential debate Wednesday night that lasted ninety minutes. Afterwards President Obama got back to his Denver hotel room at precisely nine-forty-five Mountain Time. He knew it because Mitt Romney had just cleaned his clock. (Argus Hamilton)

      Can't believe I'm saying this, but it looks like Obama DOES need a teleprompter.  (Bill Maher)

      BREAKING NEWS: The empty chair confirms it will stand in for Barack Obama at the next debate. No one will notice the difference. (Erick Erickson)

      Obama is winning the "Looking amazingly condescending when the other guy talks" race. (Jim Sterling)  

       

      Obama finally united the country. Everyone agrees he sucked. (Michael Carr) 

      Obama didn't just act professorial, as some are calling him. He acted like a prof with tenure. (Jeff Jarvis)  

      Did Mr. O take an Ambien before this hootenanny? (Timothy Omundson)  

      I don't think he had a particularly bad debate. He's had a bad four years.  (Romney aide Stevens) 

      Obama just dropped Bin Laden's skull on the floor. (Chris Rock)  

       

      Outrageous! Private sources say that Pres. Obama is blaming George W. Bush for last night's debate! (Eric Metaxas) 

       

      Hillary, Hillary, Hillary, wherefore art thou, Hillary? (Jeff Jarvis) 

      Obama looked like lil Wayne at a piss test. (Bruce Bogtrotter)

      ROMNEY

      The presidential debates begin on Wednesday. Romney has taken two days off to prepare. They're going to have practice debates. They're going to do that for two days, and another full day of spray tanning, and he'll be ready to go. (David Letterman)

      Mitt Romney is apparently practicing 'zingers'.  Just what we need.  A stand up comic in chief? (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney went after PBS last night. It's about time someone went after those guys. It's about time someone took some starch out of their collars. (Conan O'Brien)

      During last night's debate Mitt Romney said that he loves Big Bird. What made it even more awkward was that the question was, "Can you explain your tax plan?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      During last night's debate, Mitt Romney said he would cut funds to PBS even though he loves Big Bird. And he said he's definitely against whatever Bert and Ernie are up to. (Conan O'Brien)

      LEHRER

      Moderator for the debate last night was Jim Lehrer of PBS, and Jim was as in control of this evening as a replacement referee. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      At the outset of the Presidential debate, Jim Lehrer reminded the audience that one of the ground rules was no cheering. Hell, they just could have bused in a bunch of Red Sox fans. (Marc Ragovin) 

      Jim Lehrer had trouble making sure the candidates stuck to the rules last night. Even NFL replacement refs were like, "This guy's a disaster!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Clint Eastwood's chair would have done a better job moderating. (Michael Moore)

      BASEBALL- THE POSTSEASON

      The MLB postseason begins. It’s the only time of the year where most pay attention to the game of baseball. And those are the umps. (Alan Ray)  

      A lot of good aces on the mound as the MLB postseason begins. A Washington National’s pitch count is like a politician in DC. Hardly any balls. (Alan Ray)  

      I'm sure you'll immediately pick up on the irony. In 1955 the seventh game of the World Series was played on this date (Oct. 4). Half a century later, they've yet to begin the postseason. (Len Berman)

      MLB has said it could be FRIDAY until game times for Saturday are announced. Basically so they can assure that NY will be in primetime.  Yankees suck! (Janice Hough)

      Baseball’s postseason begins. During the playoffs, a championship team takes its game to the next level. They raise the price of a beer to $10.50. (Alan Ray)  

      October is National Toilet Tank Repair Month. Too late for the Texas Rangers, though: Their once-promising season is already down the drain. (Dwight Perry)

      MLB Rule 2.00 is the infield fly rule. The rule states that an infield fly is a fair fly ball (not including a line drive nor an attempted bunt) which can be caught by an infielder with ordinary effort. To give the umpires some benefit of the doubt, with all the errors Atlanta made tonight, they might have been confused about this 'ordinary effort' stuff. (Janice Hough)

      MITT ROMNEY

      Mitt Romney said today he would honor the temporary visas President Obama granted to some illegal immigrants. Some conservatives were up in arms, others just laughed and decided to wait for next week.

      Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He’s trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian. (David Letterman)   

      The math behind how Romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folk to understand. It's unfathomably complex, like string theory. You'd have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 coexistent dimensions, eight of which is where Romney shelters his wealth." (Stephen Colbert)  

      Mitt Romney says his plan to slash taxes another 20 percent for the wealthy will generate the same amount of revenue that is being generated now. That's true because 20 percent of zero is zero. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      More bad news for Mitt Romney. Sesame Street’s 'The Count' called. He wants to see those budget figures. (Janice Hough)

      Ann Romney says if Mitt is elected her biggest concern "obviously would just be for his mental well-being." Well, gosh, good thing he's not going for a high-stress kind of job. (Janice Hough)

      Ann Romney said having five boys makes Mitt well prepared for presidential candidate debates. Mrs. Romney said that means her husband will do well as long as he doesn't have to stop and ask for directions. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health. Well, there's a ringing endorsement. (David Letterman)

      Ann Romney said in an interview this week that her biggest concern about her husband being elected president is his 'mental well-being'. Apparently, ever since the Republican Convention, Mitt’s been getting into all-night arguments with an empty chair on the campaign bus.  (Frank King)

      Of course, Ann Romney thinks Mitt’s mental health will be just fine barring something catastrophic like a big spike in the price of polo pony feed. (Frank King)

      NY Jets owner Woody Johnson said it was more important to him that Romney win than his team have a winning season. Curiously enough, many Republicans are about as happy with Mitt as the candidate as Jets fans are with Mark Sanchez as their QB. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney and Snooki are back in the news. Romney recently was asked who he liked better, Snooki or Honey Boo Boo. He picked Snooki. Snooki heard this and said it was awesome but she still hasn't decided who she's voting for. You should be allowed to vote or be on 'Jersey Shore', not both. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Obama's new campaign slogan is "Forward".  The last thing he wants anyone to do is look back at the last 3 ½ years. (Steve Yeich)

      Michelle Obama won Family Circle's bake-off with her chocolate chip cookies. Hasn't she spent the last four years leading a crusade against sugary treats? She's contradicting her own position. Maybe she should be the one running for office. (Craig Ferguson)

      The White House today announced that it was offering a "substantial cash reward for information leading to the location and safe return of President Obama’s mojo. (Andy Borowitz)

      Amazing that some conservatives who think Obama is the most incompetent President ever still think he has the power to orchestrate a massive conspiracy on the unemployment rate. (Janice Hough)

      BIDEN & RYAN

      Joe Biden is campaigning very hard for Obama. In Florida, Vice President Biden told a group of nurses, "If there are any angels in heaven, they're all nurses." Then Biden said, "Of course, maybe they wouldn't be in heaven if they'd had better nurses." (Conan O'Brien)

      The middle class is broken down by the side of the road, and Paul Ryan is driving up in a black windowless van and saying, 'Get in. Just get in.' And it puts the lotion on its body. (Stephen Colbert)  

      A video of Paul Ryan in 2011 has him saying "70% of Americans want the American Dream. Only 30 % want the welfare state." Does that mean Mitt figures 17% of Americans got lazier in the past year? (Janice Hough)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Republicans have blasted a Democrat Maine Senate candidate for spending too many hours playing online fantasy video games. Republicans say she should spend more time in the real world–the real world where male politicians spend hours watching Internet porn. (Gary Bachman)

      THE CAMPAIGNS

      There are 40 days left until the election. A lot can happen in 40 days -- Obama can make a gaffe, Mitt could win the debates, God can send a flood to destroy all mankind. So, there’s hope. (Stephen Colbert)   

      President Obama is winning the election according to an informal poll conducted by 7-Eleven. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory. (Conan O'Brien)

      Both campaigns are working so hard to praise their opponents' abilities and downplay their own chances, it's hard to tell if we're having a Presidential debate Wednesday or a playoff game. (Janice Hough)

      The jobless rate fell to below 8% today. Which the GOP immediately said was bad news for job seekers - specifically Romney and Ryan. (Janice Hough)

      THE CONGRESS

      Okay, the man challenging Nancy Pelosi for her Congressional seat is running an ad comparing Pelosi to a zombie. How silly. Beside the "wtf" nature of the comparison, zombies have more facial expressions. (Janice Hough)

      Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin amended 10 years of federal financial reports after he failed to list $130,000 in state pension payments, saying it was an 'unintentional oversight'. Does he expect the story to shut down since it was a 'legitimate mistake'. (Janice Hough)

      Harry Reid announced plans Tuesday to try to legalize online poker nationally. The game is a valuable educational tool. Poker teaches children to keep a straight face and act confident when all you're holding is your parents' mortgage and the national debt. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      New Jersey has banned smiling in driver’s license photos. I don’t think it will work. It was the same day they announced the end of 'Jersey Shore'. (Bill Williams)  

      Jerry Brown signed a bill into law Monday allowing hundreds of thousands of illegal aliens to get driver's licenses in California. It's still not an easy task. In order to get a California license you must be able to pass a written test, you must pass a driving test, and you must be able to text with one hand while shooting out the window with the other. (Argus Hamilton)  

      Jerry Brown signed a bill Friday making it illegal for employers to demand access to social media accounts. It's official. In California you're not allowed to discriminate on the base of age, race, gender, disability, beer pong trophies or the quality of your topless photos. (Argus Hamilton)

      Florida election officials say at least 10 counties have identified suspicious and possibly fraudulent voter registration forms. And they were turned in by a firm working for the Republican Party of Florida. I guess they got suspicious when they realized most of the votes were for Bob Dole. (Jay Leno)

      The Arkansas Supreme Court agreed Friday to allow medical marijuana on the state ballot. It makes sense. With all the states opting out of ObamaCare and high prescription drug costs, running your own drug cartel is an economic necessity more than it is a crime. (Argus Hamilton)

      They are testing out driverless cars in California. What they haven't tested out yet is how the car will react if an enraged driver on the freeway shoots out the tires. (Steve Yeich)

      A recent study suggests the Lone Star State may be losing its world-famous Texas twang. According to research conducted by the University of Texas a number of factors could be watering down the state's accent. The study found that urbanization, technology and an increase of newcomers to Texas are all contributing to the possible loss of the slow drawl. Many Texans seem to agree the twang isn't what it used to be. (Rich Hancock)  

      LOCAL NEWS

      For $175 dollars, according to Orange News, a Florida man brings an alligator to children's pool parties to swim with the kids. Yes, a gator. That's no croc. (RJ Currie) 

      'Carmageddon' is what the local media are calling this weekend. One of our main freeways is being shut down for a few days. The result is a phenomenon called 'really bad traffic'. (Craig Ferguson)

      There was a positive effect from last year's Carmageddon. The air quality in L. A. improved 83 percent that weekend. That usually happens only when Larry King leaves town. (Craig Ferguson)

      People here did stay away from the 405 -- some because they were worried about traffic, others because they were using Apple maps and couldn't find the 405. (Jimmy Kimmel)  

      I see you all survived Carmageddon. They shut down the 405 highway over the weekend. Even our highways get cosmetic surgeries. Next week Bruce Jenner's face will be shut down for a weekend. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A 19-year old is recovering in a Southern California hospital after he fell 60 ft off the side of a water slide at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. Allegedly he jumped the line, barged past lifeguards and leaped head-first instead of feet-first onto the slide. Somewhere Darwin is thinking "Missed it by THAT much." (Janice Hough)

      The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has approved a building code provision allowing blueprints for the smallest homes in the nation -- 220 square feet -- about the size of the average jail cell.  Hey, they'll probably fly off the shelves.  If that's enough space for Lindsay Lohan to live in, why not San Franciscans? (Bob Mills)  

      Two longtime vintage bookstores in San Francisco's Mission District may have to close due to rent hikes. "Bummer," said most of the 20 somethings who pack the neighborhood's bars and restaurants. "But what's a bookstore?" (Janice Hough)

      A California mom has been sentenced to jail for 180 days for her children’s chronic truancy. Apparently the kids turned her in so now that she’s out of the house they don’t have to go to school at all.  (Jim Barach)

      Oregon authorities are investigating how a 69-year-old man was devoured by his hogs. Call me a veggie lover, but farmers seldom get eaten by their broccoli. (RJ Currie) 

      A report says that Illinois is about to lose 1,700 jobs. Why the Cubs hire playoff help before the end of the season is still a mystery to everyone.  (Jim Barach)

      A dog was transported along a Massachusetts highway in the grille of a Toyota sedan. For this year’s vacation trip, looks like Mitt Romney found a new location for the family pet. (Gary Bachman)   

      A Florida man has pleaded guilty to selling fake Facebook shares. Although the people he defrauded are asking for leniency since they lost less money in the scam than if they had actually bought real Facebook stock.  (Jim Barach)

      A restaurant in Williamsburg, Ky., has been closed after employees were seen taking road kill into the kitchen. The restaurant was named the Houston Astros. (Cam Hutchenson)  

      A Rhode Island homeowner might be in violation of local noise ordinances for teaching her pet cockatoo to curse. Apparently they've been watching a lot of Red Sox games. (Dwight Perry)

      Police in Florida were called this weekend after 400 pounds of marijuana washed up on the beach. They became suspicious when saw people watching the waves, waving back.  (Tim Hunter)

      Police in Florida were called this weekend after 400 pounds of marijuana washed up on the beach. The police became suspicious when people stopped building sand castles and started building White Castles. (Jimmy Fallon)

      An Atlanta man claims he got a parking ticket after a parking officer saw he had a Romney bumper sticker on his car. He also feels he shouldn’t be responsible since it was his chauffeur who parked the Rolls Royce in front of the fire hydrant in a hospital zone in the first place.  (Jim Barach)

      A man in western Nebraska has been charged with assaulting his wife with a sandwich. A deputy who responded to a 911 call found several pieces of lunchmeat on the carpet outside a bedroom and some pieces of bread in the bedroom. I'm thinking she forgot to hold the Mayo. (Cam Hutchenson)  

      THE ECONOMY

      Mitt Romney supporters said Barack Obama has failed to adequately juice up the U.S. economy. The president's staff said that's a lie. The economy gets juiced every day when June Shannon buys large quantities of Mountain Dew and Red Bull for Honey Boo Boo's Go-Go Juice. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      A report says that 2,400 millionaires collected unemployment benefits during the economic downturn. Of course, most of those were people who were billionaires before the economy crashed.  (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The iPhone 5 is on the market. A user will discover it’ll be a lot more light weight. And that’s just their wallet. (Alan Ray)

      Apple fans are about ready to storm the Bastille over their new map app that is falling far below expectations.  Apparently, Mac's engineers went overboard trying to make it so close to a real map, after customers use it they can't figure out how to fold their I-Pads back up. (Bob Mills)  

      Apple has announced a temporary fix for their much criticized new Map App -- they will just have Siri ask for directions. (Janice Hough)

      McDonald's unveiled M Television for booth viewing in seven hundred McDonald's restaurants. It will feature news, sports and entertainment stories. It'll be so nice to have someplace to go where you can watch TV without hearing about the obesity epidemic. (Argus Hamilton)

      The number of Americans working from home has jumped 41% in the past ten years. Their jobs range from running meth labs in the bathroom to cultivating hydroponic marijuana gardens in the basement.  (Jim Barach)

      A Denver brewery has released Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout, an alcoholic beverage made with bull testicles. Remind me to stop ordering highballs. (RJ Currie) 

      Engineers that once worked for Apple and NASA have created an $11,111 coffee maker. The engineers say the coffee maker measures the liquid's heat as it brews, resulting in a perfect cup of coffee. The coffee maker will be named Starbucks. (Cam Hutchenson)  

      TRANSPORTATION
      Jet Blue announced it will fly people upset about November's election results out of the country for free. That will be one angry flight. American Airlines was going to offer the same promotion, but they've already got enough loose screws in the passenger cabins. (Argus Hamilton)
      Google co-founder Sergey Brin says computer-driven cars are safer. Except for that awkward moment when the computer asks, "Are you sure you want to put on the brakes?" (RJ Currie) 

      According to a government watchdog, Amtrak workers have been testing positive for drugs more and more frequently over the last six years. Well one thing for sure, they haven’t been on speed. (Gary Bachman)

      Amtrak announced that it will be performing drug tests on 50 percent of its employees. So, if you plan on riding Amtrak, don't worry. There's only a 50 percent chance your conductor is totally stoned. (Jimmy Fallon)

      American Airlines landed two flights Monday after loose floor screws caused seats to roll around in the cabin. The airline is not one of Bain Capital's success stories. It was a mistake to lay off every other worker who tightens the screws before the plane takes off. (Argus Hamilton)

      The new pre-flight announcement on American Airlines: Please make sure your seat belts are securely fastened and your seats are securely bolted to the floor. (Janice Hough)

      American Airlines is advertising a new sale, with the tagline 'Take off to cities across the U.S.' Uh, at this point travelers on American aren't so worried about the take off, they're worried about how and where they land. (Janice Hough)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A New Orleans city prosecutor has resigned after a marijuana cigarette reportedly fell out of his pocket in court. The nerve. After all the guys he sent to the joint. (RJ Currie) 

      The FBI arrested a 64-year old Simi, CA bank robber after he was positively identified from his photo on Facebook. Would have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn't made the mistake of friending the bank guard and three tellers. (Bob Mills)  

      TERRORISM 

      Al Queda is being blamed for several forest fires being set around Europe. Now there’s a change in status. They’ve gone from the most feared terrorist organization in the world to a group who is getting in trouble for playing with matches.  (Jim Barach)

      IMMIGRATION

      The federal government is now flying Mexican deportees back across the border. Officials are imposing a luggage law though – all deportees must fit safely and securely in the overhead bin. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      NASA & SPACE

      According to a photo sent back from the Mars rover, there was once a large stream of flowing water on the surface of Mars, thousands of years ago. But now it's completely dried up. Today, Al Gore blamed it on 'Martian warming'. (Jay Leno)

      NASA's Mars rover Curiosity has discovered a rock bed that many scientists believe was formed in the presence of vigorous, flowing 'waist-deep' water. Yeah, but waist-deep on a little green man could be just a couple of inches. (Frank King)

      UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURT

      Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the United Nations General Assembly last Wednesday. While he was in New York, I wish Ahmadinejad would have been caught drinking a large soda. (Gary Bachman)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      A Brazilian student is auctioning off her virginity to raise cash to build homes for poverty-stricken families. So far, the top bid is $160,000. "Why didn't I think of that?'' said Paris Hilton. (Cam Hutchenson)  

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Pictures of the Royal Family naked don't shock me the way pictures of them working would. (Andy Borowitz)

      The World Custard Pie throwing championship was held last week in Kent, England. What do they call the final? Custard's last stand? (RJ Currie) 

      British soccer dad Mick Tunnicliffe pocketed $16,234 when son prodigy Ryan, 19, appeared as a 76th-minute replacement for Manchester United, and all because dad had the foresight to place a 100-pound wager on it happening — at 100-to-1 odds — 10 years ago.  And if you think pops is smiling now, get this: The London Daily Mail reports Mick has another 100-pound bet on the books at William Hill that Ryan will one day play for England's national team.  At odds of 350-to-1. (Dwight Perry)

      Essex firefighters reportedly had to use roof ladders to lift an escaped pet rabbit off the top of an apartment block. By all accounts, it was hare-raising. (RJ Currie) 

      EUROPE

      Because there just aren’t enough jobs in Spain, colleges are offering courses in prostitution; you know, selling yourself for money. In US colleges they’re called POLI SCI. (Bill Williams)  

        

      We know unemployment is Spain is rampant, but a school in Valencia is now offering a course in prostitution plus a job on graduation.  It sure turns well-practiced conventions upside down.  For instance, last week a professor was arrested for NOT sleeping with one of his students. (Bob Mills)

      A farmer in Switzerland has cows with electronic sensors implanted in their genitalia that send him text messages to let him know when the cow is in heat. If this is successful his wife has dibs on the next implants (Terry Etter)   

      A four-year-old boy stole his mother's car while she slept and took it for a joy ride, before crashing into a pick-up truck. The mother was fast asleep at her home in Garsnas, Sweden, when her son took her car keys and drove off. He managed to drive for about a quarter of a mile, successfully making three right turns, before crashing into the truck. Police said they will not press charges. (Rich Hancock)  

      AFRICA

      Hillary Clinton admitted Wednesday the attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya was done by al-Qaeda and not by mobs angry over an anti-Muslim video who happened to be heavily armed. It was preposterous that she'd have ever believed it. Hillary never acknowledges that a president has lied to her until the DNA tests come back and there's no way to deny it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Lions are becoming a major concern in Kenya, according to CNN. And they're not exactly great news in Detroit. (RJ Currie)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Iran has cited a satirical piece from the Onion as fact that a majority of  rural white Americans would vote for Iranian President Ahmadinejad over President Obama. To which Iran says it has no idea what the Onion is, that it only watches Fox News Channel.  (Jim Barach)



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