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Weakly Humerus News 09-30-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-30-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK This is scary news. Because of a labor dispute, the presidential debates will be
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 30, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-30-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      This is scary news. Because of a labor dispute, the presidential debates will be moderated by replacement refs. (Frank King)

      "I need your help." (President Barack Obama [D])
      "You are the help." (Mitt Romney [R], Pres. Candidate) (Paul Benoit)

      Congratulations to Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on "60 Minutes" last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent. (Jay Leno)

      If you're a Packers fan, did you see the game? To be honest, I wasn't watching the game live, but then again, neither were the referees.  (Craig Ferguson) 

      Makes you wonder just how fun the election would be if we brought in replacement candidates, doesn't it? (Tim Hunter)

      A new poll shows NASCAR fans are turning away from Mitt Romney and towards President Obama. I'm not surprised because NASCARs always turn left. (Nancy Jo Perdue)  

      It's only called ‘redistribution’ when the money is going to the poor. When it goes in the opposite direction, it's called 'capitalism'. (Paul Benoit)

      Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. This is the guy that's going to fix our economy? (David Letterman)

      At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she would strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. In a related story, President Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97 percent. (Conan O'Brien)

      Calvin Klein's 22-year-old ex-boyfriend is going to write a tell-all book about his relationship with the designer. If I may suggest a title: 'It's all in the jeans'. (Tim Hunter)

      Don't expect too much tonight. It's Yom Kippur and we're using replacement writers. (David Letterman)

      Maybe some of these replacement refs should run for office: They've done a better job than anyone else in America of getting bipartisan agreement on something. (Janice Hough)

      Paul Ryan now says that President Obama's foreign policy has "blown up in his face" and it's time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let's see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn't that the Republican foreign policy? (Jay Leno)

      NFL -- REPLACEMENT REFS

      The replacements have been a smashing success. TV ratings are at record highs. Sunday night's ratings were up eight percent over a year ago, which means the free market has spoken. That was a great call. Because, apparently, people are tuning in just to see terrible calls. And that was one of the greatest worst calls in football history (Stephen Colbert)  

      A lesson learned from the lockout:  Always remember: It is OK to use Scab High School and D-3 refs for your games that could cost someone their job or even their health, but it is a $15,000 fine to wear a MLB cap in your post-game Press Conference! (Joe Salvatore)

      At the New England Patriots game, coach Bill Belichick was so mad about a call by the replacement referees that he grabbed a ref's arm. Fortunately, Belichick was quickly stopped by the referee's seeing-eye dog. (Conan O'Brien)

      Did you see the footage of that call last night on "Monday Night Football"? I haven't seen people this upset over a piece of tape since that anti-Islam film came out. (Jay Leno)

      Green Bay Packers fans are furious after a controversial call in last night's game robbed the Packers of a victory. Some are calling it the worst call in NFL history, or at least since the Black Eyed Peas were invited to play the Super Bowl. (Conan O'Brien)

      The possible  real reason last night's disputed NFL call was such a big deal? Before that 'catch', Green Bay had not only won, but they had barely covered the four point spread. On the other hand, if Monday night's NFL call had gone against the Dallas Cowboys, they'd be praising the refs in 49 states. (Janice Hough)

      Last night the replacement refs made a very controversial call that many people felt cost Green Bay the game. Those refs are blowing more calls than T-Mobile. Well, thank God fans in Green Bay don't take their football that seriously. (Jay Leno)

      Anyone else wondering about the results had the refs given an NFL game like last night's to Pete Carroll, if the opposing coach was Jim Harbaugh? There might still be crime tape on the field. (Janice Hough)  

      How about those replacement refs? Think about it. One day you're working in Foot Locker and the next day you're in the NFL. (David Letterman)

      Headline: JIM HARBAUGH SETS NFL RECORD FOR MOST TIMEOUTS IN A GAME. (Sports Pickle)

      Watching today's 49ers-Vikings game made me glad we don't have replacement umps in baseball: "So it's one, two, three, four, five strikes you're out." For anyone who didn't see, the referees allowed 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh to challenge a play after his third time out, wrongly decided the challenge and then allowed him to all another one. Might answer the question "whatever happened to Chris Webber?"  (Janice Hough)  

      A thought about these replacement referees. If everyone in the NFL cares that much about getting it right, what was this billion dollar industry doing with part-time refs in the first place? And yes, for non-football fans, the striking refs are contract employees, many with full-time other jobs. (Janice Hough)

      Some good news for football fans. The NFL lockout is over. The referees will go back to work. And I imagine to say there will never be a bad call again. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      How many replacement refs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They only screw up calls. (Alan Ray)  

      Aaron Rodgers said tonight that the NFL cares more about saving money than about the integrity of the game. What was his first clue? (Janice Hough)

      The Green Bay Packers were robbed of a victory by NFL replacement refs on the last play Monday. The integrity of the game is under siege. They just hired a replacement ref to moderate the presidential debates to make sure that no one gambles on the outcome. (Argus Hamilton)

      Last night the Seattle Seahawks beat the Green Bay Packers 14-12 on "Monday Night Football." I chose to DVR the game and watched it later -- just like the refs. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Packers-Seahawks game-deciding play caused a firestorm of outrage. Might be the first Hail Mary to end with 'oh my god!' (RJ Currie) 

      The NFL’s replacement referees are under fire after a botched call last night gave Seattle the win over Green Bay. Fans say they’re fed up with these phony refs and want to see them back where they belong: in the NBA. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The NFL backed the replacement ref's missed call which cost the Green Bay Packers the game Monday night. It's become a campaign issue. President Obama said the NFL owners aren't paying their fair share while Mitt Romney said the solution is fewer referees. (Argus Hamilton)

      The NFL has struck a deal with referees who will be back on the field. The owners were that close to coming up with a plan where fans would vote to make the call on each play by texting to different numbers. (Jim Barach)

      The lockout of NFL refs has ended. That should bad news for Mitt Romney. The vast majority of Americans now feel a whooooole lot better off. (Terry Etter)   

      The minute the replacement refs were fired, President Obama said, "See, sometimes losing a job can be a good thing. (Jay Leno) 

      The NFL commissioner apologized to the fans for the poor performance of the replacement refs. He also said he's a bit sorry about the Cleveland Browns.  (Craig Ferguson) 

      These replacement refs are so bad that in a taste test between Coke and Pepsi, they picked Sprite. (Jay Leno)

      Some of the NFL replacement refs used to work for the Lingerie Football League. The owners say they were forced to use them because they couldn't afford the refs from the Puppy Bowl. (Conan O'Brien)

      The regular NFL referees returned Thursday night. Now we can quit complaining about guys who don't know what they were doing and get back to complaining about guys who DO know what they're doing. (Tim Hunter) 

      The NFL referees have signed an eight-year contract. Turns out that one of the replacement refs works as a vice president at a Bank of America branch. So he's leaving a job where football fans hated him and going back to one where everyone hates him. (Jimmy Fallon)

      UNITED NATIONS -- AHMADINEJAD

      The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is here. He hates Jewish people, he hates gay people. And I thought, well, he's come to the right place. (David Letterman)

      Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the United Nations General Assembly on Wednesday. While he was in New York, I wish Ahmadinejad would have been caught drinking a large soda. (Gary Bachman)

      Ahmadinejad is always shooting his mouth off, ranting about this, ranting about that. I said to myself, "I bet this guy's always in a bad mah-mood." (David Letterman)

      Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is always angry. Yesterday he said, however, that in fact he does not hate gay people. He went on to say that Iran is on its way to developing one of its own. (David Letterman)

      The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He's been in America one day and he's already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls.  (Craig Ferguson) 

      You know who's at the U.N. today? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from Iran. A creepy, little guy, huh? He just dropped by the U.N. for another hate-filled rant. Then he went back in line for the new iPhone. (David Letterman)

      Let me tell you how crazy Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is. Today he actually defended the NFL's replacement refs. (Jay Leno)

      Everyone who walked by the U.N. today received a "Mad Dictator" bobblehead doll. (David Letterman)

      APPLE --IPHONE 5

      Apple could become the first company to be worth $1 Trillion. Although GM has already gotten there if you count the money the government has used to bail it out and keep it running. (Jim Barach)

      Many customers are so unhappy with Apple's new Maps application that they want to storm the company headquarters. Fortunately for Apple, if they use the new App they'll never find it. (Janice Hough)   

      The man who designed the iPhone for Apple just bought a mansion for $17 million.  Hopefully, in 6 months there will be a slightly better, much more expensive mansion built just down the street that will make him very jealous. (Steve Yeich)

      I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it. (David Letterman)

      Mass riots broke out among 2,000 workers at the factory in China that's making new iPhones. This is what happens when third-graders don't get a nap. They get cranky. (Jay Leno)

      Forty people working in an Apple iPhone factory in China were injured in a labor dispute. Mitt Romney said his foreign policy would involve calling an ambulance to take the workers to the emergency room. (Nancy Jo Perdue)        

      If you stand on the iPhone 5, it'll tell you how much you weigh. (David Letterman)   

      The most valuable company in the U.S. is Apple. The least valuable company in the US is the cast of Honey Boo Boo. (Bill Williams)  

      IPhone muggings in New York City are up a reported 40%. Even the criminals are wanting to upgrade to the iPhone 5. (Jim Barach)

      In New York City, muggings for Apple products are up 40 percent. Even worse, if you have the new iPhone people camp out overnight to mug you. (Conan O'Brien)

      The porn app Vivid Touch made it past Apple censors to become available on the iPhone. This could change mobile use protocol. It would mean a second hand held device. (Alan Ray)

      HEALTH CARE

      Mitt Romney [R], Mass. Governor: "Look, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for us to have millions and millions of people who have no health insurance and yet who can go to the emergency room and get entirely free care for which they have no responsibility. Particularly if they're people who have sufficient means to pay their own way."
      vs.
      Mitt Romney [R], Pres. Candidate: "Well, we do provide care for people who don't have insurance. If someone has a heart attack, they don't sit in their apartment and die. We pick them up in an ambulance, and take them to the hospital, and give them care. And different states have different ways of providing for that care."

      Mitt Romney does not have a clue how real life works. When Mitt Romney needs health care, he just buys a hospital and then strips it down and sells it piece by piece when he gets well. (Juanita Jean)

      MITT ROMNEY

      All of these political strategists are trying to explain why Mitt Romney can't seem to get his message out. I'm no strategist, but it's hard to talk with both a silver spoon and a foot in your mouth. (Jay Leno)

      Experts are telling Mitt Romney to “Be yourself” during the upcoming presidential debates. The only question is do they mean the Romney that favored health care reform before he was against it, was pro-choice before becoming pro-life or the one who was for gun control before being against it. (Jim Barach)  

      Mitt Romney said if he had Mexican parents, he'd have a better shot of winning. But unfortunately Romney was tragically held back by being born of rich white people. (Conan O'Brien)  

      It's rumored that in a recent Univision interview, Mitt Romney wore makeup to appeal to Latino voters. I can't wait to see Romney's appearance on BET. (Conan O'Brien)

      A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself. (Conan O'Brien)   

      Mitt Romney ran new ads Tuesday pledging to break America's growing dependency on government handouts. His own story bears this out. Mitt's proved that with hard work and a little luck, even a multi-millionaire white guy out of Harvard can succeed in America. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney yesterday warned guests at a fundraiser that Obama could have us "on a pathway to become California." The fundraiser was in San Diego.  (Janice Hough)  

      Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad aimed at seniors too. It's called, 'Least we can do' — named after how much he plans on doing for seniors. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mitt is out now riding on a bus. I think it's his first time riding on a bus. He's trying to show the world that he's s regular guy, and he's taking a bus tour. It's just like the Willie Nelson bus, except on Mitt's bus, the brownies are brownies. (David Letterman)

      Mitt Romney on fundraising: "I'd far rather be spending my time out in the key swing states campaigning, door-to-door if necessary, but fundraising is a part of politics when your opponent decides not to live by the federal spending limits." Yep, once again, time to blame Obama. (Janice Hough)

      Romney has a secret plan to close tax loopholes but won’t tell until elected. So, alas, it seems we’re destined to never find out what they are. (Will Durst)

      Mitt Romney on Friday released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more. (Seth Meyers)  

      The 14 percent tax rate Romney paid is less than the 20 percent paid by the average American. How does he pay such a low rate? He claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents. (Seth Meyers)  

      Mitt Romney's campaign released his 2011 tax return. Democrats still want him to release all his tax returns for the last 10 years. Romney says he can't do it, and he's got a good excuse. He says his dog ate them and then Obama ate the dog. (Jay Leno)

      Romney pledged that in lieu of his tax returns, he would instead release the past three years of his wife's foie gras recipes. (wearyourcape.com)

      Mitt Romney says his campaign doesn't need a turnaround. It's already been turned around so many different directions what it needs is a GPS to even find where it is. (Jim Barach)

      New documents show that Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney's advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means. (Jimmy Fallon)

      They taped Mitt Romney explaining his positions in a roomful of rich scumbags, I'm sorry, I meant heroic job creators. And he said 47 percent of Americans are basically welfare bums who are mooching off the government. And he said, 'My job is not to worry about those people.' You know, where do people get the stuff that Mitt Romney is a heartless, calculating c**ksucker? (Bill Maher)  

      This tape is like so incriminating. Everything that liberals suspect Mitt Romney says behind closed doors, now there's a tape of Mitt Romney saying that exactly behind closed doors. (Bill Maher)

      By 'all Americans', of course, Mrs. Romney was referring to the 53% of 'us' who pay Federal income tax, not those moochers who live on Social Security income or military combat pay. Especially not those who were unable to exercise enough personal responsibility to be born with a trust fund or stock portfolio attached to their name. (Paul Benoit)

      Even Republicans are now tiptoeing way from Mitt Romney. They're very upset about this video. They say it shows Romney doing something very stupid: expressing the core beliefs of the Republican Party publicly. (Bill Maher)

      It's gotten so bad for poor Mitt Romney that Tim Pawlenty – he was the co-chair of Mitt's campaign – he resigned. Isn't that kind of the ultimate sign that your campaign is in trouble, when Tim Pawlenty is afraid you'll make him look like a loser? (Bill Maher)

      Mitt Romney's flip-flops may actually be signs of being bi-polar-izing. (Paul Benoit)

      Six in ten Americans have a negative perception of Mitt Romney’s campaign. Crtiics say it’s time for Romney to stop using replacement campaign advisors. (Gary Bachman)  

      It's been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. I think the technical term is 'jumping ship'. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney revealed Monday that his Mormon great-grandfather moved to Mexico a century ago to avoid being prosecuted in the United States for polygamy. This shows how tough he'd be on illegal immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country. (Argus Hamilton)

      In an interview Thursday, Ann Romney responded to criticism of her husband's presidential campaign, saying, 'Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.' In response, the interviewer entered the race, and is leading Mitt Romney by five points. (Seth Meyers)  

      Mitt Romney on Ann's plane scare last week: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous." (Janice Hough)

      Discussing his wife Ann's recent brush with an aircraft fire that necessitated a forced landing, Mitt Romney told reporters that it's hard to get rid of smoke on an aircraft "because the windows don't open. I don't know why they don't do that." Probably because 47% of the passengers would vote to keep them closed. (Bob Mills)  

      As a precaution, Mitt Romney will now insist that Ann's jet be equipped with a screen door for easier evacuations, as well as elevators so passengers and their cars can get down to the ground floor quickly in the event of an emergency. (Paul Benoit)

      Fortunately no one was injured after an electrical fire on Ann Romney’s campaign plane filled the cabin with smoke. But it was scary. Next flight some Secret Service folks have offered to ride with the dog on the roof. (Janice Hough)  

      Romney’s campaign now says his comment about opening plane windows was a joke. But come on, we all know better – Mitt had to open windows on his private planes to feed the dog on the roof. (Janice Hough)  

      I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan. (Jay Leno)

      Hope for his sake that someone tells Mitt Romney that this would be a bad week to talk about any friends he might have who are NFL owners. (Janice Hough)

      At this point he kind of has to own it. His new campaign slogan is: "Get out of my sight, America, you make me sick." (Bill Maher)

      Political pundits are taking Mitt Romney to task, saying his latest gaffe was not 'presidential'. 'Vice presidential', sure. That's Joe Biden territory. (Jay Leno)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. So what is he saying -- that if we want real change, we should throw him out? (Jay Leno)   

      President Obama is so confident that he's thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again. (Jay Leno)

      A 1998 video of Barack Obama has surfaced where he says he believes in redistribution.  Why use a video that old? He clearly says the same thing all the time now. (Steve Yeich)

      The president's re-election campaign slogan is "Forward," which is also his policy on paying for stuff. (Jay Leno)

      Obama has gone from "Yes we can." to "I'm sorry. No one can." (Jay Leno)

      President Obama's campaign is trying to appeal to single women in Florida over 65. Which explains Obama's new slogan, "Hope, change, and Boniva." (Jimmy Fallon)

      A new survey shows how much time we waste every day. For example, we waste seven minutes in line waiting for coffee, 28 minutes getting through airport security, and four years waiting for President Obama to do something about the economy. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney's campaign said Obama is spiking the ball too early in Ohio after recent polls show Obama pulling ahead. Obama hasn't earned that win yet, which is why today the NFL replacement refs just gave it to him anyway. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, "Obama, please save my home." To which Obama said, "Hey lady, I'm trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?" (Jay Leno)

      JOE BIDEN & PAUL RYAN

      Joe Biden's speech in Charlotte was the highest-rated speech of either the GOP or the Democratic conventions. It's no secret why. The week before, Joe accused the GOP of trying to bring back slavery and Americans wanted to know where they can sell their kids. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      A new book claims the reason Texas Gov. Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college. (Jay Leno)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      Bill Clinton said he won't read the (Lewinski) book. He's just going to recall his own experiences, which he does night after night anyway. (Steve Yeich)

      THE POLLS

      A recent ABC News/Washington Post poll says 61% of Americans have a negative opinion of Mitt Romney's handling of his campaign. Assume the other 39% percent are Democrats. (Janice Hough)

      The latest Quinnipiac, New York Times, CBS, TCBY poll has Obama up by 10 points in Ohio, 9 points in Florida, and 12 points in Pennsylvania. I don't get it. How could Romney be behind? He's so popular, fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches. (Stephen Colbert)  

      The latest polls show that voters don't like Mitt Romney any more than he likes them. (Jim Barach)  

      A new poll found that Mitt Romney is behind in Florida by 1 percent. Which is weird because if there’s one group that loves Romney, it’s definitely the 1 percent. (Jimmy Fallon)

      According to a poll, Americans expect both Barack Obama and Mitt Romeny to lie, but feel Barack Obama’s ads are more honest than Mitt Romney’s. Of course, that’s like saying Lindsay Lohan is smarter than Kim Kardashian. (Gary Bachman)

      As Obama picked up double-digit poll leads in Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania, Mitt Romney's wife Ann told reporters that electing Mitt would "strike a blow against prejudice." Against, no doubt, multi-millionaires with off shore bank accounts, home car elevators, and wives who breed horses for the Olympics. (Bob Mills)  

      Polls show Obama is now pulling away Mitt Romney. What could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away? (Bill Maher)  

      G.O.P. Presidential nominee Mitt Romney finally got some good news today as he found himself ahead of President Obama in a poll of N.F.L. replacement referees. (Andy Borowitz)

      A new poll says 75 percent of Americans feel little or no personal connection to Mitt Romney. And it gets worse. The poll was of his family.  (Craig Ferguson) 

      God is three undecided voters: the father, the son and the holy spirit. You gotta figure the son is leaning Obama, what with the long hair, and the loaf and fish handouts to the poor. Get a job, hippie! (Stephen Colbert)  

      THE CAMPAIGNS

      If Romney wants to win Wisconsin, he needs to call a press conference first thing this morning and denounce the replacement refs. (Jon Gabriel)

      What will Romney do for the country?  What will Obama do in his second term?  In either case the devil is in the details.  The devil is also in recess until after the election, along with Congress. (Mark Russell)

      Mitt Romney said Barack Obama "will weaken our economy and turn us into Greece." Well, this country could use a good John Travolta movie. (Nancy Jo Perdue)  

      Obama came out and said, 'Hey, I can't change Washington from the inside.' I'm not saying what you said isn't true. I'm saying, why are you saying anything during this Romney tailspin? Don't make this hard on yourself. You're like the criminal that gets away with murder and then starts sending the cops puzzles to figure it out. Also, on a pure entertainment level, don't do anything to take the focus off the Romney follies. Their campaign is getting crazier than the last season of 'Lost'. (Seth Meyers)  

      There's a man who actually went to high school with Mitt Romney and later went to law school with President Obama. When asked how going to school with two presidential candidates made him feel, he said, "Uh, bad about my job at Arby's." (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE DEBATES

      The October presidential debate is gathering interest. In the past we had listeners and talkers, but now with Romney we get a taker that talks yet listens to decide if he needs flip or flop at a given moment. (Jerry W.) 

      Debate viewers may play “Kegger-vote 2012″, a drinking game where they down a beer each time Mitt chokes or dodges a question. In a related story, DWI lawyers are clearing their schedules for the day after the debate. (Jerry W.) 

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress adjourns for the fall election campaign. Government will be on hold because nothing will get done for quite a while. Or, as CSPAN likes to call it, 'repeats'. (Alan Ray)

      'Member that congress guy Todd Akins? He’s the one who said raped women can’t get pregnant because they have an internal feature to prevent it. He’s turned over a new leaf after seeing the Vagina Monologues and says he gets it. Well, he doesn’t get 'it', in fact he’ll never get 'it' again. But that’s another joke. (Bill Williams)

      THE STATES

      The New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission has instituted a new rule that bans smiling while having your drivers license photo taken. A brilliant cost-saving measure, actually. It finally dawned on them that with 97.2% of New Jersey residents arrested at one time or another, the photo can double as a mug shot. (Bob Mills)  

      People who live in New Jersey will get into trouble if they smile for their driver's license photo. New Jersey officials said they are banning smiling for driver's license photos due to facial recognition software designed to prevent fraud. People posing for driver's license pictures are asked to refrain from smiling or making other facial expressions so as not to confuse the facial recognition software. So if you live in New Jersey, wipe that smile off your face! (Rich Hancock)

      California has approved self-driving cars. Right now the only driverless car on the road belongs to Lindsay Lohan. (Gary Bachman)

      California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill that will allow the driverless car to travel on the state's roads. Drivers will not, however, be allowed to sit in the backseat while computers do all the work. The driver must sit behind the wheel in case of an emergency -- well, except for the Lindsay Lohan model -- with that one, you're not allowed IN the car. (Bob Mills)  

      We're getting driverless cars in California. What's next? Bread that toasts itself, gum that chews itself, NFL games that referee themselves?  (Craig Ferguson) 

      There's a lot of competition between Northern California and Southern California to see who could change the world the most. This week Northern California gave us the driverless car while Southern California gave us the "Dancing With the Stars" all-star edition.  (Craig Ferguson) 

      LOCAL NEWS

      A couple in Modesto, CA, in the process of moving their furniture into an apartment they had just signed a year's lease on, discovered the dead body of the former tenant wrapped in a rug.  These have to be the unluckiest renters in the world.   You ever tried to wrestle a 12-foot couch into your new living room without breaking the police tape? (Bob Mills)

      It's fall in New York City and today Mayor Bloomberg banned 16-ounce cups of chowder. (David Letterman)

      In Georgia, a jewelry store owner is offering a free gun with your purchase. And, of course, once you have the gun, free jewelry. (Conan O'Brien)

      A jeweler in metro Atlanta is adding some bang to the bling. Under a new promotion, customers who buy a diamond worth $2,499 or more from D. Geller and Son will get a voucher for a free hunting rifle.  Customers must go to a local gun dealer to redeem the voucher. It's the perfect promotion for men. They can buy their women jewelry and get themselves a hunting rifle! They should do a promotion like that here in Missouri!  (Rich Hancock)

      In NY today, Anna Gristina, a Scottish mom of 4, who allegedly ran a brothel for wealthy men, pled guilty to 'promoting prostitution'. She will likely get probation after credit for 4 months time served, but could be deported. Why? Unlike with many Wall Streeters, at least her clients were happy when they got screwed. (Janice Hough)

      Oops. Florida State Rep. Mike Horner of Kissimmee, "a rising star in state GOP circles" according to the Orlando Sentinel, abruptly ended his re-election campaign this week when his name surfaced on the client list of an Orlando brothel. Well, at least the scandal involved adult women. (Janice Hough)

      THE ECONOMY

      The economy is so bad, instead of Secret Service protection, the White House is using replacement refs to guard President Obama. (Jay Leno)

      RNC chair Reince Preibus when asked about GOP plans for the economy - "I mean, we've got specifics coming out of our eyeballs." So their plans include a Halloween movie? (Janice Hough)

      New orders for long lasting U.S. manufactured goods fell to the lowest point in more than three years. Economists were shocked. Since when do we still manufacture long lasting goods in the U.S.? (Jim Barach)

      Food industry spokespersons say rising feed costs caused the shortage of bacon in California, not the expected arrival of Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey. (Will the Thrill)  

      A worldwide shorta

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