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Weakly Humerus News 09-23-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-23-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK If you take the 47 percent that Mitt Romney says pay no taxes and add that to the
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 23, 2012

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-23-12


      If you take the 47 percent that Mitt Romney says pay no taxes and add that to the people who Obama says cling to their guns and religion, that's the whole country right there. (Jay Leno)

      Since Mitt won’t release his tax data, perhaps he’s actually 'One of us' 47 percenters after all? (Jerry W.)

      All over the world people are chanting, "Death to America." Except in China, where they're chanting, "Not until we get our money back." (Jay Leno)

      Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith. (Stephen Colbert)

      I keep seeing ads asking me to "Join Michelle, and tell Barack you’re in!" OK, I’m 'in' all right: bankruptcy, unemployment, and despair. (Will the Thrill) 

      Prince William and his wife, Kate Middleton, won an injunction to stop a magazine from publishing topless pictures of her. We'll have updates on the photos as they develop. (RJ Currie)  

      A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, President Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that’s he’s now only five points behind Bill Clinton. (Seth Meyers

      Romney doesn't understand why half of America doesn't pull itself up by its own bootstraps like he did after daddy gave him his inheritance. (Will Durst)  

      A poll says that 39% of Americans say the government should do more to solve the nation’s problems. The other 61% say it would be better if they did less to cause any more problems. (Jim Barach)  

      A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock. (Jim Barach)  

      Cubs president Theo Epstein said rebuilding the team "won't happen overnight." Which is pretty much what owner Charles Murphy said in 1909. (RJ Currie)  

      Kate Middleton was photographed topless at a pool in a French home last week. The week before, Prince Philip was snapped naked under his kilt, then there were the Prince Harry photos. Britain's bringing back colonialism and they're starting with a nudist colony. (Argus Hamilton)

      Do the math: NHL players want billions, turned down an offer for millions and are happy campers playing overseas for just thousands? They must have started their careers playing without helmets. (TC Chong)

      Berkeley may become the first city in the U. S. to have an official Bi-Sexual Pride Day! Wouldn't it make a lot of sense to have the parade going two directions at once? (Tim Hunter)

      Russia has revealed the discovery of a vast new diamond field. Vladimir Putin is expected to use the discovery to shape a new approach to governing: 'carat-and-stick'. (Gary Bachman)


      Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-Ray. (Jay Leno)  

      I'm watching the news, and I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia. They're all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand? (Jay Leno)  

      A Pakistani man died yesterday after inhaling fumes from burning an American flag. Good! Thank you. See, let me show you how incredible that is. We don't have to defend the American flag. It can defend itself. (Jay Leno)

      A Pakistani man died inhaling the smoke of the U. S. flag he was burning in Islamabad Monday. They can't win. If they inhale the polyester flags made in China they die, and if they inhale the hemp flags from Kentucky they can't remember what they're protesting. (Argus Hamilton)

      Romney recently made headlines when the U.S. embassy in Egypt released a statement regarding unrest there, just prior to the deadly attacks on the embassy in Libya. Romney accused President Obama of apologizing to the attackers through the statement, even though it did not come from President Obama, contained no apologies, and was released before the attack. "It's never too early to accuse President Obama of apologizing for American values, because you know that eventually he will get around to doing that," said Romney. "President Obama's imaginary behavior was disgraceful, and I'm going to keep saying that until people believe it, or until Nov. 7, whichever comes first." (CAP News)

      THE 47%

      Mitt Romney at a private fundraiser: "There are 47 % who will vote for the president no matter what, who are dependent on government. no matter what, that they are victims, who believe that government has the responsibility to care for them. Who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing." Way to go after that Florida senior vote. (Janice Hough)

      The major problem with Mitt Romney insulting 47% of the American public is that at least 58% of us worry we’re part of that 47%.(Will Durst)  

      Mitt Romney said the 47 percent of people who don't pay taxes are going to vote for Obama. You know what that means? He's going to vote for Obama. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney says that about half the country is freeloaders. And freeloaders – that includes wealthy politicians who only pay 13 percent in tax. (David Letterman)    

      At a private gathering, Romney told donors that Obama had a lock on the 47 percent of voters "who pay no income tax" and "believe the government has a responsibility to care for them." This was deeply offensive to people who pay no income tax and believe the government has a responsibility to care for them. (Ann Coulter)

      What are they talking about? Romney has given some very specific figures. For instance, he is willing to piss off exactly 47% of the voters. (Stephen Colbert)

      More about Romney's comment on 'the 47% percent of Americans who pay no federal income tax': "I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives." Wonder how many in that category are rich folks with REALLY good accountants and offshore accounts? (Janice Hough)

      I don't know about you, but I'm confused. Is it GOOD or BAD for Americans to avoid paying taxes? Mitt Romney, July 9, 2012: "I don't pay more than are legally due and frankly if I had paid more than are legally due I don't think I'd be qualified to become president. I'd think people would want me to follow the law and pay only what the tax code requires." (Paul Benoit)

      Mitt Romney writes off 47% of Americans like he writes off 47 million dollars in a Cayman Islands bank account. (Twitter #RomneyEncore)

      Interesting, while Mitt's trying to demonize the 47%, a Seattle Times article talks about the biggest employer in town (no, not Microsoft) - Boeing. In 2011, for the fourth straight year, the company had no net income-tax, despite $5.1 billion in profits. (Janice Hough)


      Mitt Romney is trailing in the polls. After being accused of being too vague, Romney's campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, "Soon-ish." (Conan O'Brien) 

      All of these political strategists are trying to explain why Mitt Romney can't seem to get his message out. I'm no strategist but it's hard to talk with both a silver spoon and a foot in your mouth. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney's campaign is so dead the Mormons just baptized it. (Twitter #RomneyEncore)

      After only a solid, let's say seven years, on the campaign trail, Mitt Romney finally had a prime time television slot to introduce himself to the voters. And he ultimately ended up getting upstaged by a piece of wood. (Jon Stewart) 

      Mitt Romney said if he had Mexican parents, he'd have a better shot of winning. But unfortunately Romney was tragically held back by being born of rich white people. (Conan O'Brien)

      Mitt Romney attacked President Obama's saying he has learned "you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside." Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, "I don't think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside." Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney says he considers the middle class to be people making $200,000-250,000 a year or less. Anymore, people making in the middle of that group are still way above middle class. (Jim Barach)  

      In the video, Mr. Romney blasts the American people for being "insanely obsessed with food, clothing, and shelter,' and asserts that many of them are "too lazy to hide their money overseas." (Andy Borowitz)

      At another point in the video, Mr. Romney refers to his own hardscrabble childhood: "I was never handed anything in life. If I wanted to cut a gay kid’s hair off, I had to pin him to the ground myself." (Andy Borowitz)

      I like Mitt. He has alienated the young people, alienated the old people, alienated women, alienated minorities, alienated gays. I mean, I'm tell you, this takes talent! (David Letterman)      

      Right about now would be a good time for Mitt Romney to prove to the world that he has always paid U.S income tax. If he has always paid U.S. income tax. (Janice Hough)

      I was reading Mitt's tax return and saw he declared his bathtub as a business expense. Says that's where he does his best wishy washying. (Bill Williams)  

      It's nice to know that no matter how bad things get in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is always there to make them worse. You saw him this week when our embassies were under attack, before any facts were in he tried to score political points because he sees everything as a business opportunity. This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence. (Bill Maher)    

      Mitt Romney is in Los Angeles today for a fundraiser. So that's one more handsome guy in L.A. auditioning for a role he probably won't get. (Conan O'Brien) 

      In what his campaign described today as a bold strategy to insure victory in the Presidential contest, Republican nominee Mitt Romney will undergo a procedure to have his mouth wired shut until Tuesday, November 6th. (Andy Borowitz)

      Mitt Romney went on live with Kelly and Michael and tried to answer these hardball questions. He was asked what he wears to bed. He said, ‘as little as possible.” Wow, there’s a switch, Romney giving too much information. (Bill Maher)

      On Saturday, Mitt Romney took some time off from campaigning to watch his grandson’s soccer game. Though it got awkward when one team pulled their goalie and Romney was like, "Look at that – another job lost under President Obama." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Did anyone else notice that like Mitt, the Romney campaign bus doesn’t have a steering wheel? I guess you don’t need to steer as long as you are willing to go which ever way the wind is blowing. (Jerry W.)

      In a recent promotion, Mitt Romney is offering donors a chance to win a ride on his campaign plane. But if you know how Mitt Romney travels, this is one contest you don't want to win. (on screen: a picture of someone strapped to the roof of his plane) (Seth Meyers)


      President Obama is attending a fundraiser in New York hosted by Jay-Z and Beyonce. Michelle is hoping Beyonce will sing 'All the Single Ladies,' while Obama is worried Biden will get up and sing 'Bootylicious'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this because he's weak. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq. (Bill Maher)

      President Obama will appear on the Kansas ballot after a state board ended its birth certificate probe. Not because of evidence, but because the "birther" dropped his suit, saying he had been threatened. Kind of makes you see why the state doesn't teach evolution. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama has agreed to give his original birth certificate and college transcripts to the Tea Party, but they will be stapled to Mitt Romney's tax returns for the past ten years. (Jerry W.) 

      President Obama observed “Talk Like a Pirate Day” by having a photo op with someone who was dressed in pirate garb. Mitt Romney immediately declared that it shows Obama supports the Somali raiders. (Terry Etter)    

      Bumpersticker idea for the day: "One of the 53%. And still voting for Obama." (Janice Hough)


      Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan told the crowd at the Values Voter Summit that if President Obama wins, there's no going back. So basically what he said was, once you go black, you can't go back. (Jay Leno)

      It's not all that unusual for a vice-presidential candidate to go low-profile. And it is totally not true that Mitt Romney strapped Paul Ryan to the top of a car and drove him to Canada. Stop spreading rumors! (Gail Collins)

      Paul Ryan is urging his colleagues in Congress to remain optimistic about the November elections. This coming from the guy who is still running for his Congressional seat in case that Vice President thing doesn’t come through. (Jim Barach)  


      Obama is sticking with Biden as his running mate. Like in high school…the smart guy always has a dumb friend to make him look better. (Bill Williams)


      Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of Explaining Stuff. Hey, you know what's another good name for that position? President. (Seth Meyers)

      Monica Lewinsky told a tabloid that Bill Clinton had a desire for threesomes. Not surprisingly, Lewinsky is writing a book about her affair with the former president. I'm wondering how many "somes'' it would take for Hillary to get in on the action. (Cam Hutchenson)


      Sarah Palin would make a great foreign policy advisor. To Sarah Palin all policy is foreign. (Stephen Colbert)

      Sarah Palin has advised Mitt Romney to "Go Rogue". This is exactly like Ray Charles offering advice to Stevie Wonder on finger painting. (Jerry W.)

      It is high time that the GOP stop trying to appeal to smart people -- and letting Rick Santorum in front of a microphone is a great place to start. (Stephen Colbert)

      During a conference call with evangelicals on Tuesday, Texas Governor Rick Perry (R) called upon 'Christian warriors' and 'Christian soldiers' to 'stand our ground' against President Barack Obama, who he said is trying to ”remove any trace of religion from American life,” a message inspired by 'Satan' himself. "Now Gov. Perry’s got the Steeple People all riled up to go to war. If they don’t get to shoot somebody for Jesus, they are gonna be real upset." (Juanita Jean)

      Herman Cain said today he would have a "substantial lead" over President Obama if he had been chosen as the Republican nominee instead of Mitt Romney. I believe the correct response is in German "Nein, nein, nein." (Janice Hough)

      Newt Gingrich has advised Mitt Romney to "Get Tough". If you have trouble wrapping your head around the visual for that, picture Steve Urkel giving the same advice to Pee Wee Herman. There, are you feeling better now? (Jerry W.)

      "I am not a witch" Christine O'Donnell, is considering another run for Senate in 2014, saying "I think I owe that to my supporters." Not to mention the nation's struggling comedy writers. (Janice Hough)


      Paul Ryan's said Mitt Romney's comments on the 47% were "obviously inarticulate." How come, and this is a bipartisan question, politicians always say their own stupid comments were just badly phrased but their opponents' mistakes reveal their true feelings? (Janice Hough)

      So let me sum up the message from BS Mountain if I may, "The inartfully stated, dirty, liberal smear is a truthful expression of Mitt Romney's political philosophy and it is a winner!" (Jon Stewart)

      Mitt Romney went to a NASCAR race Saturday in Virginia where consultants told him he needs to win white male votes in the crucial swing state. It's so unfair. Americans are working the night shift at McDonald's for minimum wage to make ends meet and some consultant is making six figures telling Republicans they need to win the white male vote. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney ran new ads Tuesday pledging to break America's growing dependency on government handouts. His own story bears this out. Mitt's proved that with hard work and a little luck, even a multi-millionaire white guy out of Harvard can succeed in America. (Argus Hamilton)


      As part of the strategy for the upcoming presidential debates, the Obama campaign is attempting to lower expectations. And believe, if there's one thing that President Obama is good at lately, it's lowering expectations. (Jay Leno)

      The Obama-Romney debates are just weeks away and President Obama is so confident of winning he's placing his answers in the form of a question and going for a True Daily Double. (Bill Williams)  

      I hear Romney is going to the debates barefoot…no flip flops. (Bill Williams)  


      The Texas legislature sent out letters to voters Friday asking them to confirm that they are alive in order to clean up voter rolls. It's a win-win. Anyone who writes them back and says they are dead loses their right to vote, but it does get the IRS off their backs. (Argus Hamilton)

      Broad smiles will not be allowed on New Jersey drivers’ licenses as a matter of security. Instead, people are encouraged to use their usual “What are you lookin’ at?” expression. (Jim Barach)  


      Malibu was ordered to comply with a law to provide affordable housing in the movie star enclave. They have to be creative. So far their best idea is to paint a door on the dumpsters behind the restaurants on Pacific Coast Highway and try to fool the inspectors. (Argus Hamilton)


      New data says that fewer people have terrible credit scores. Which doesn’t matter since no banks are even close to loaning money out now anyway. (Jim Barach)  

      According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. But that's because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Today, President Obama said that's a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work. (Jay Leno)

      A survey says that only 15% of Democrats and 60% of Republicans believe the economic news is bad. Mostly because those are the percentages of each party that watches Fox News every day. (Jim Barach)  

      There has been a 9.4% increase this year in the number of American billionaires. Mostly  stock market investors who bought Apple and stayed away from Facebook. (Jim Barach)  

      Mitt Romney released TV ads Friday listing specific ways he'd improve the economy citing his business experience at Bain Capital. He can't turn the country around the way he turned companies around. If Mitt Romney tries to sell off all the people in America who are unprofitable, he could face charges of human trafficking if he ever steps foot off U. S. soil. (Argus Hamilton)

      The richest 400 Americans saw their net worth go up 13% this year to $1.7 Trillion, according to Forbes Magazine. Those are the 400 people who didn’t buy a subprime loan before the housing crash. (Jim Barach)  

      New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices reach one hundred dollars a barrel on Monday. Even the oil-producing states are suffering. Gasoline prices are so high in Houston that Lance Armstrong and Roger Clemens were seen carrying their cars Saturday. (Argus Hamilton)


      62% of households who pay no federal tax earn less than $20K/year while Romney takes a $77K deduction for his dancing horse. (Twitter #RomneyEncore)


      The iPhone 5 is out. The Siri feature is revolutionary. A frequent user actually pays attention to another human voice. (Alan Ray)  

      Apple has a new app for hands-free talking on their iPhone. It’s called the 'Eastwood app', short for 'Weird Guy Who Talks Loudly To Himself'.  (Bill Williams)  

      The TV commercial advertising meter at this year's Super Bowl will be spinning at a record-breaking $7,000,000 per minute.  Which actually is very patriotic -- it's  just about the same increase-per-second as the national debt. (Bob Mills)      

      Chick-Fil-A has announced they will stop giving money to anti-gay groups. This either means the chain has decided to embrace tolerance, or their recent sales are down. (Janice Hough)

      Despite solid profits and a steady stream of repeat customers, Hooters Restaurants will update its menu and service staff uniforms "in order to appeal to both male and female guests."  To which twenty-three million men replied: "They serve FOOD at Hooters? (Bob Mills) "

      McDonald’s says it will delay the release of the seasonal 'McRib' sandwich until December. Apparently they are counting on a snowy winter that will result in a lot more roadkill during the winter months. (Jim Barach)  

      Toys R Us is introducing a reservation system for the hottest selling products. This will preclude searching for the store’s hardest to find items. Namely, someone to help you. (Alan Ray)  


      Florida senator Marco Rubio has been tweeting his displeasure with commercial airline flight delays. "Sounds really annoying," responded Mitt Romney. "What's a commercial airline flight?" (Janice Hough)

      Virgin Airways' Sir Richard Branson revealed plans Friday to someday ferry a Noah's Ark of settlers to Mars. He said he wants to bring comedians and beautiful women, but also scientists and doctors. If you send a lot of settlers to populate a planet it's essential that someone there can manufacture penicillin and someone can write a prescription for it. (Argus Hamilton)


      A California chef/Restaurant owner is charged with bludgeoning his wife to death and then disposing of the body by slow cooking her parts for 3 days. He claims he found her dead and panicked, admitting he cooked her remains. He then disposed of everything except the skull which he kept as a souvenir. This allowed identification of the blunt head trauma which caused her death. A bright guy. (Stan Kegel)  

      Police in Florida arrested a man who held up a McDonald's wearing a Barack Obama mask.  He carried the ruse as far as signing his demand note 'The Community Organizer'.  Next day, a copycat robber held up the Wendy's next door wearing a Mitt Romney mask.  His note was signed 'Olympics Organizer'. (Bob Mills)

      Do you hear about lawyers for a 480-pound death-row inmate in Ohio saying their client is too overweight to be put to death? "Indeed, given his unique physical and medical condition there is a substantial risk that any attempt to execute him will result in serious physical and psychological pain to him," his lawyers said. Like, Dude. You're being executed, not getting a flu shot. (Cam Hutchenson)


      Classes were evacuated at LSU due to a bomb threat. Fortunately, that didn't affect any of the football players. (Janice Hough)

      NASA & SPACE

      The Space Shuttle Endeavor’s final journey to a museum in Los Angeles is being carefully choreographed. It’s white, will be traveling slowly and will have an extensive police escort. Because of that, the person contracted to plan the best route is O.J. Simpson. (Jim Barach)  

      Space Station astronauts repaired solar-powered equipment using a tooth brush. They not only fixed the problem, they reduced cavities by 82 per cent. (RJ Currie)  

      Warp drive to achieve faster-than-light-travel may not be as unrealistic as once thought scientists say. In order to avoid hitting asteroids, scientists recommend that you don't warp drive and text at the same time. (Gary Bachman)


      It's Opening Day of the U.N in New York...Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here. He says he hates gay people and he hates Jews. Boy is he in the wrong town. (David Letterman)


      According to Statistics Canada, over the last five years gay marriage has nearly tripled. Good, I say. Why shouldn't they suffer like the rest of us? (RJ Currie)  


      The world is pretty divided on this Kate Middleton topless picture scandal. Some women think the media went too far, some think Kate should get over it and keep her top on in future, and men just want to see similar pictures of Pippa. (Janice Hough)

      I opened the paper this morning and guess what I saw? Pictures of Prince William's wife topless. I've only got one thing to say, thank God it wasn't his father's wife! (Bill Williams)  

      What's the big deal about the topless pics of Kate Middleton? Photos of another Royal boob, Prince Phillip, have been around for decades. (TC Chong)

      Britain’s William and Kate traveled to Singapore the other day. Those two are now the most photographed and recognizable pair in the world. But enough about her breasts. (Alan Ray)  

      Kate Middleton may be getting the international headlines, but Mitt Romney also is learning - even when you think you have privacy, don't expose yourself. (Janice Hough)

      Prince William and Kate Middleton were greeted in the Solomon Islands Tuesday by topless native women who danced unashamed. The public nudity had to annoy the prince. Isn't the entire purpose of a vacation to get away from your everyday life at home? (Argus Hamilton)

      A Royal Artillery servicewoman has become the first British soldier to give birth while in combat. That's right, combat. As in Afgahnistan, not marriage. (RJ Currie)  


      France closed twenty of its embassies across the Muslim world Friday after a French comic magazine ran a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed. That's not all. In addition, the French security service raised the nation's terror alert level from collaborate to surrender. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Royal Family got a ruling against French tabloids to squash the topless photos of Kate. The French had to print cartoons of the prophet Mohammed just to change the subject. History shows it's far better to have the Muslims mad at you than the Anglo Saxons. (Argus Hamilton)

      A semi trailer flipped on a German expressway spewing 25 tons of beer down the highway. Unexpectedly, the clean-up was quickly taken care of by two hockey teams equipped with straws. (RJ Currie) 

      The Spanish woman who botched a fresco restoration says she wants royalties from all the tourism it has generated. Why not? Celine Dion got royalties for 'My Heart Will Go On'. (Jim Barach)  


      Along with U.S. troops, the invasion of Iraq brought America's top fast food restaurants which have completely dominated the taste buds of the average Iraqi on the street.  Now all the problems you'd expect are emerging.  They've discovered what's in a double Whopper with cheese -- they call French Fries 'weapons of mass destruction' -- and they've tried to topple the statue of Ronald McDonald. (Bob Mills)


      President Obama says that Chinese trade practices are harming American workers. Especially the practice where they trade cheap goods for American jobs. (Jim Barach)  

      Male cosmetic sales are booming in South Korea. South Korean men spent $495.5 million on skincare last year, accounting for nearly 21 percent of global sales. The other 79 percent of sales were cosmetic purchases made by Ryan Seacrest. (Gary Bachman)

      Nine Vietnamese women and a Malaysian car wash owner were arrested after suspicious vice officers discovered that customers qualified for free sex after nine punches on their Subway-style proof-of-visits card.  Further investigation revealed that a customer could request a free condom as well by asking for 'extra Armor All'. (Bob Mills)


      I read the other day that an 18-wheel truck would have to travel 143 miles to put out the same mass particulates as cooking a single charbroiled hamburger. A study done at the University of California Riverside found the particulate air pollution from a commercial kitchen is worse than pollution from diesel trucks. So the question is not what Al Gore drives; it's what he eats. (Cam Hutchenson)

      A study says that mosquitoes change their habits to avoid mosquito netting. Blood suckers will always do what it takes to get to their intended victims. How do you think lobbyists are able to stay in business? (Jim Barach)

      A 6,500 year old tooth found in Slovenia may have the oldest dental work on record. Meanwhile, evidence has been found that proves there may have been dental work done in England as long ago as 12 years. (Jim Barach)  


      A new study has 7 signs of being a "shopaholic," One supposed sign "You experience a rush of excitement when you buy." Of course there's a name for people like that, they're called 'women'. (Janice Hough)

      A report says health care costs will continue to go up along with American waistlines. Maybe that should be the new health care plan. Charge people for health insurance based on their belt size. (Jim Barach)  

      A new study says that people who read food product labels weigh an average of 9-less pounds than people who don’t read the labels. And people who read the price tags weigh 20-pounds less.  (Frank King)

      A recent study commissioned by the National Nutrition Council found that folks who read the ingredient labels on grocery products are about ten pounds lighter than those who don't.  It gets even better for the label readers.  If they can accurately spell and pronounce all the chemical names, they're immediately hired by Dow. (Bob Mills)

      Suicides have taken over car crashes as the number one cause of death by injury in the U.S. Although they still don’t know how to categorize it when someone texts a suicide note while they are driving before they crash. (Jim Barach)  


      It's Fall. Unless you're Mitt Romney, and then it's freefall. (David Letterman)    

      Shell Oil is going to delay arctic drilling until 2013. Apparently by then it will be a lot easier as global warming will have pretty much melted all the ice up there. (Jim Barach)  


      The Big East, with teams ranging from Rutgers to San Diego State, is considering adding a 14th team. Wonder if Hawaii is available? (My friend Tony L. suggests "Singapore. Then they can be the 'Big Far East'.) (Janice Hough)

      This week we learned that Notre Dame will compete in the ACC in all sports except for football, just like Duke. (Bob Molinaro)


      SF Giants are in great shape. But for all those making playoff plans, I give you: the 2011 Atlanta Braves - 8 1⁄2-game lead wild card lead Sept 1. 2011 Boston Red Sox - 9-game wild card lead on Sept 3. Some chickens are better left uncounted. (Janice Hough)

      Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine, regarding his "weakest roster in the history of baseball" comment, now says "that wasn't meant to be a criticism of any players or anything in the organization." I think I like "was pushed into a lifeboat" better. (Janice Hough)

      Not only have the Houston Astros lost more than 100 games, they recently advertised the presence of Joe Niekro at a luncheon. Sadly for the Astros and for Niekro, he died in 2006. (Cam Hutchenson)

      The Orioles beat the Mariners in a tussle that took 18 innings and ended at 3:54 in the morning. Time-wise, that's about an hour shy of a Kardashian marriage. (RJ Currie)  

      Some are now talking Ryan Braun for the NL MVP if the Brewers make the playoffs. If so, got to love it, the All-Star MVP busted for PEDs and the potential repeat MVP winner playing only because his suspension was overturned on a technicality. Way to clean up the game, Bud Selig. (Janice Hough)

      The Cincinnati Reds magic number is down to three. Of course for many Ohioans, the real magic number is 47. The number of days until they don't have to see election ads on television 24/7. (Janice Hough)

      The Franklin Mint has just announced they are issuing rare gold coins commemorating each of the Mets four post-all star game home wins. (Marc Ragovin) <

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