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Weakly Humerus News 09-09-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-09-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK The Republican Convention ended on Thursday. The Democratic Convention began last
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 9, 2012

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-09-12


      The Republican Convention ended on Thursday. The Democratic Convention began last night. In between was a travel day for hookers. (David Letterman)   

      One of the hardest jobs there is, is to find a Republican who can remember who served in the office of president between Clinton and Obama, or if there even was one. (Jerry W.)  

      As far as substance, Obama said nothing but he said nothing so much better than Mitt Romney said nothing. (Joe Scarborough on both candidates' acceptance speeches)

      "Bill Clinton just impregnated Sandra Fluke backstage." (Tweeter sent by Ann Coulter from her hospital bed where she is recovering from her most recent privately funded abortion) (Stan Kegel)

      President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4. (Jimmy Fallon

      I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe, bear so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see. (Jon Stewart) 

      It makes sense that Republicans would flock to Tampa strip clubs. They love telling women what to do with their bodies. (Stephen Colbert)  

      Any 20 year old who can run his first marathon in under 3 hours has to be a Kenyan. I really think we're going to have to check Paul Ryan's long form birth certificate. (Paul Benoit)

      Nittany Lions fans no longer shout, "We are, Penn State!" Now they’re shouting, "We are, State Penn!" (Gary M.)

      New Nike LeBron James shoes cost $300 and come with a built-in IQ test. If you paid $300 for these shoes, you failed. (Alex Kaseberg) 

      There's a lot going on tonight. The first NFL game tonight, the Democratic National Convention, a new episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Everything that we are as a nation is all rolled up into one tonight. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Scary thought of the day: Barry Goldwater would be too liberal for today's Republican party. (Janice Hough)  


      I missed all the pundit reviews comparing former Pres. Bill Clinton's convention speech to former Pres. George W. Bush's keynote from last week. (Paul Benoit)

      The conventions are so different. The Democrats finally look like a real political party; the Republicans look like a seminar for how to flip real estate for Jesus. (Bill Maher)   

      If Obama wins, it's because his old dude without a script was Bill Clinton and Mitt's was Clint Eastwood. (Andy Borowitz)

      Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it's Mitt Romney's dog. (Conan O'Brien)

      Clint Eastwood's RNC speech was to imaginary Obama in an empty chair. I'm drafting a DNC speech to imaginary Romney in an empty factory. (George Takei) 

      To counter Clint Eastwood's awkward rant to an empty chair, at the Democrat's Convention, Bruce Willis will debate Mitt Romney's invisible tax returns. (Frank King)

      While Democrats and Republicans are totally at opposite ends on political issues, those attending their respective conventions have something in common. They all managed to escape having to endure an appearance by Donald Trump. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Michelle Obama  painted a great portrait of Barack as a husband and father tonight, as Ann Romney did with Mitt. But really, most Americans would take Darth Vader if he could fix the economy and healthcare. (Janice Hough)  

      Clearly, the first night of the DNC was beset with technical difficulties and a constant buzzing roar, otherwise known as applause. (Replaying a clip of delegates cheering the speakers.) What was that? You could barely hear the speeches. They didn't have that problem at the Republican convention, I'll tell ya. (Stephen Colbert)  

      The conventions are over. Which means real fans of hot air have to go back to the Weather Channel. (Janice Hough)  


      Welcome to the DNC where the people on stage resemble the people in the audience. (LOLGOP)

      The Democratic Convention began tonight. What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was "Hope and change." This year the theme is "Hope you don’t make a change." (Jay Leno)

      The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn't bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day. (Craig Ferguson)

      The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama's speech was moved from the Bank of America Stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena. They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of homeowners in the past four years. (Jay Leno)

      It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow. (Jay Leno)

      Did you watch the speech by Michelle Obama at the Convention Tuesday night? It was powerful, it was exhilarating, it was thrilling, it was motivating. At the end of the speech I thought to, 'Whoa, she can do much better than him. (David Letterman)   

      First lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed. Even Fox News called it "not the worst." (Jimmy Fallon

      Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old, you could see ground below them. Today, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's helicopter. (Conan O'Brien)

      Today, the Democrats added the word "God" to the official party platform. It's in the part that reads, "Did you see Michelle Obama's biceps. Oh, my God!" (Conan O'Brien)

      Everyone is still talking about Bill Clinton's speech last night in Charlotte. It was a remarkable speech, 45 minutes long and 6,000 words. Like the political version of the guitar solo from "Freebird." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      While it was a great speech, Bill Clinton did forget to thank Barack Obama for his favorite first-term accomplishment – having Hillary on the road for 351 days already as of July, 2012. (Janice Hough)  

      Bill Clinton said that President Obama inherited a deeply damaged economy. And if he's re-elected he'll inherit an even more deeply damaged economy. (Jay Leno)

      Toughest job of the week at the Democratic convention - Joe Biden, trying to edit his speech down under Paul Ryan's 2 hour 50 minute marathon time. (Janice Hough)  

      Today Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all but clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote. (Conan O'Brien)

      Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience. (Craig Ferguson)

      At this year's Democratic convention, eight percent of the delegates are gay, a historic record. This will be the first time a presidential candidate will be nominated by a show of jazz hands. (Conan O'Brien)

      A zombie from the TV series The Walking Dead showed up at the Democratic National Convention to announce he is running for president. Won't be the first stiff to work for the government. (RJ Currie) 

      Nine of the hotels where politicians are staying at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. Yeah, it's a bit on the disgusting side, but the bedbugs say they've had it worse. (Tim Hunter)

      There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, "Eh, it’s OK. (Jimmy Fallon

      The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama. (Jay Leno)


      Republicans don't have to accept evolution, economics, climatology, or human sexuality, but I just watched a week of their national convention, and I need them to admit the historical existence of George W. Bush. (Bill Maher)   

      Last week at the Republican convention, no one mentioned the Tea Party. And listen to this, if it wasn't for Ann Romney, no one at the Republican convention would have mentioned Mitt. (David Letterman)   

      If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, or Tom DeLay. You're not a political movement, you're the witness protection program. (Bill Maher)   

      Ann Romney brought down the house at the GOP convention Tuesday in her speech touting her husband for president. She said she wanted to dispel the myths about him being cold and businesslike. It's not true that she wears a pink slip to get him in the mood. (Argus Hamilton)   

      At the Republican Convention, Ann Romney said it was all about love.  Then when Chris Christie got on stage he contradicted her and said it was all about food. (Steve Yeich)

      Apparently last week the Republicans had originally planned to have a Ronald Reagan three-dimensional hologram speak at the Republican convention. They decided against it. I guess they were concerned that Reagan would come across as more life-like that Mitt Romney. (Jay Leno)

      Amidst the tired rhetoric, empty platitudes, and overwrought attacks, a fistful of awesome emerged in the night where it spent twelve minutes, on the most important night of Mitt Romney's life, yelling at a chair! (Jon Stewart)

      I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn't his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he's given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you're looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?  (Craig Ferguson)

      Clint Eastwood electrified the GOP convention Thursday when he walked onstage to introduce Mitt Romney. He's a huge favorite of religious conservatives. Evangelicals believe there is no theory of evolution, just a list of people Dirty Harry has allowed to live. (Argus Hamilton)   

      In a development that the Republican campaign is sure to find troubling, a new poll of likely voters showed nominee Mitt Romney trailing badly behind the empty chair Clint Eastwood talked to onstage at the Republican National Convention in Tampa. When asked the question, "Who cares more about people like me?" thirty-seven per cent of voters responded, "Mitt Romney," while fifty-two per cent said, "Chair." The poll numbers for the chair represent the largest post-convention bounce for an inanimate object since the nomination of Michael Dukakis, in 1988. (Andy Borowitz)

      The difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality. (Bill Maher)   

      In Tampa, the Republican argument against the president's reelection was actually pretty simple -- pretty snappy. It went something like this: We left him a total mess. He hasn't cleaned it up fast enough. So fire him and put us back in. (Bill Clinton)

      Now, our friends at the Republican convention were more than happy to talk about everything they think is wrong with America, but they didn't have much to say about how they'd make it right. They want your vote, but they don't want you to know their plan. And that's because all they have to offer is the same prescription they've had for the last thirty years: "Have a surplus? Try a tax cut. Deficit too high? Try another Feel a cold coming on? Take two tax cuts, roll back some regulations, and call us in the morning!" (President Barack Obama)

      The GOP convention hired beautiful and busty young promotional models to attend the parties and events and escort some delegates on the floor. It raised eyebrows. There are three words for a woman who'd take money for this kind of work: Mrs. Donald Trump. (Argus Hamilton)


      If Mitt was Santa Claus, he'd fire the reindeer and outsource the elves. (Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland)

      Ann keeps saying Mitt makes her laugh. His sense of humor is more hidden than his offshore accounts and his tax returns. (Frank Conniff) 

      Mitt Romney said this weekend that Obama wants to cut a trillion dollars out of the military budget, but that he and Paul Ryan wouldn't cut it at all.  Guess it's all part of Mitt's secret plan to reduce the deficit? (Janice Hough)  

      Mitt Romney is on the stump. He knows what it’s like barely getting by. As a young Harvard grad student, he lived dividend check to dividend check. (Alan Ray)  

      Mitt Romney cited his business background in his GOP convention speech Thursday as a reason for electing him to fix the U. S. economy. He knows a lot about private sector jobs. And that's why he has spent the last eight years trying to get a government job. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney said he wasn't going to watch President Obama's speech. Makes a certain amount of sense, he already had his rebuttal ready. (Janice Hough)  

      Mitt Romney said he wouldn’t listen to President Obama’s speech at the Democratic Party’s convention. In a related story, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers didn’t review film after losing the Labour Day game against the Riders. (Cam Hutchenson)  

      On Friday, Mitt Romney was  already criticizing President Obama's speech, though he admits not watching it. Can't imagine how some people think Mitt acts like an expert on things he knows nothing about. (Janice Hough)  

      He (Romney) and his wife have been wealthy for a number of years, and so I think that’s really the issue. What does he understand about the common man right now? (Michele Bachmann,) 

      Why dislike Mitt Romney? Is it his fault you weren’t smart enough to deduct thousands of dollars in expenses for YOUR Olympic Dressage horse off YOUR taxes? Did Romney stop you from moving millions of YOUR dollars into YOUR offshore accounts to be untaxed forever? As Mitt says, "Much like corporations, we’re normal people, just like you." (Jerry W.) 

      It isn't fair to say Mitt Romney doesn't have a position on Afghanistan. He has every position. He was against setting a date for withdrawal. Then he said it was right. and then he left the impression that maybe it was wrong to leave this soon. He said it was ''tragic'' to leave Iraq, and then he said it was fine. Talk about being for it before you were against it! Mr. Romney, here's a little advice: Before you debate Barack Obama on foreign policy, you better finish the debate with yourself! (Sen. John Kerry)

      In his speech last night, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro said that Mitt Romney has no idea how good he's had it. I don't think that's true. I think Mitt Romney knows how good he's had it. He just doesn't want us to know how good he's had it. (Jay Leno)


      According to the New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. Worse than that, even of the real ones, most of them are unemployed. (Steve Yeich)

      The Republicans are really going after Obama. They asked, "Are you better off now than you were four years ago?" Americans said, "No, we're worse off because we never heard of Honey Boo Boo." (Conan O'Brien)

      Chuck Norris said that if President Obama is re-elected it will lead 'to a thousand years of darkness.' Then he said if Mitt Romney wins, it will lead to four years of extreme whiteness. (Conan O'Brien)   

      If you're a donor to President Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden -- and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden. (Conan O'Brien)

      Any chance we can change the 25th Amendment so the First Lady is immediate successor to the President in case of incapacitation? (Will Durst)  

      President Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, the White House beer is a lot like the Obama administration – great buzz, weak finish. (Jay Leno)  

      President Obama is spending his free time in the White House making beer, and apparently the beer is so good that the White House is now releasing the recipe. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney will be releasing his own recipe for root beer. (David Letterman)   

      The White House has released President Obama's recipe for beer. Apparently it's called 'Palin Ale' because it's bitter, has a big head and has no taste. (Jim Barach)

      BIDEN & RYAN

      People are starting to get excited about the prospect of a Paul Ryan/Joe Biden debate.  The highlight should be when Paul Ryan lifts his shirt to show off his abs and Biden counters by asking for a close up of his hair plugs. (Steve Yeich)

      Maybe Ly’in Ryan ran the Marathon so fast because he was on that High Fibber diet.  (Mark Ricklis) 

      Paul Ryan, who said last week he ran a "two hour and fifty-something" marathon, now admits his time for his one and only marathon was over 4 hours. Gosh, and who would have expected Ryan to stretch the truth? (Janice Hough)  

      Paul Ryan says he misstated his time of running a Marathon in under three hours when his real time for the race was over four hours. Apparently the confusion happened because the start and finish lines were in different time zones. (Jim Barach)  

      But Paul, my man, be smart about this. You keep stretching the truth about things that anyone can look up on the internet. Check yourself before you wreck yourself." (Stephen Colbert)  

      We are for Medicare, they are for voucher care. It's basic. My mom was a smart woman. But, my mom, I can't picture handing her a voucher at age 80 and saying, you go out in the insurance market and you figure out what's best for you. (Vice President Joe Biden)

      All this commotion starting with Paul Ryan being upset about the fact that the word "God" originally didn't appear in the Democratic Party platform. But hey, another document that doesn't use the world God? The U.S. Constitution. (Janice Hough)  

      Paul Ryan now says he did not suggest President Obama was responsible for the GM plant closing before he took office. In Ryan's defense, it's easy to get tired and confused when you're doing that Olympic marathon training. (Janice Hough)  


      President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney's campaign announced they have purchased $4.5 million in new television advertising in swing states. By the time this election is over, swing state viewers will look forward longingly to used car and Viagra ads again. (Janice Hough)  

      A new GOP ad has a frustrated former Obama supporter saying how disappointed she is. Only issue, the woman actually works for the RNC. A big deal? Maybe, maybe not, but can you imagine if a Dem ad used a staffer who claimed she used to be pro-Romney? (Janice Hough)  

      Good news for anyone tired of this Presidential election. It's less than two months until November 7. When the 2016 campaign starts. (Janice Hough)  


      CBS's 60 Minutes grills the Navy SEAL who wrote a book about killing Osama bin Laden tonight. It was a bipartisan kill. President Obama gave the go order for the mission but the decision to shoot him twice in the face was clearly an extension of the Cheney Doctrine. (Argus Hamilton)


      Happy birthday to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who is 50 years old. They had a cake for him. He blew out the candles and then he wished for another cake. (David Letterman)   

      New York state assemblyman Vito Lopez caused a firestorm Thursday by arranging for the state to pay off his sexual harassment settlement. He denied taking his clothes off to sexually harass his staff. He insists he was just showing his support for Prince Harry. (Argus Hamilton)

       A Maryland legislator and pastor, Emmett C. Burns Jr, is attacking Ravens LB Brendon Ayanbadejo for supporting gay marriage - "appalled and aghast that a member of the Ravens Football Team would step into this controversial divide and try to sway public opinion." Uh, where were his complaints on Tim Tebow? (Janice Hough)  


      A Sacramento area taco truck was allegedly selling meth on the side. Cops started suspecting something when the business went 24 hours. And so did the customers. (Alan Ray)


      A Philadelphia food organization says more middle class families are going hungry. Pretty soon, being fat won't be a health crisis in America, it will be a status symbol. (Jim Barach)


      Sony says there is already huge demand for their 84-inch, 3D LED TV with 4 K resolution, set to hit stores in late Novermber. In a related story, the Victoria's Secret Fashion show airs December 4th. (RJ Currie) 

      McDonalds will test a vegetarian-only restaurant. Regular customers will ask lots of questions at first. Like, "Where is the Wendy’s?" (Alan Ray)  

      Does it seem like you're being nickle-and-dimed every time you check out of a major hostelry? You are. The U.S. hospitality industry is heading for a record $2 billion year in room surcharges. Times have sure changed.  Wi-fi! mini-bar! pay-cable! Used to be the only thing a guest had to pay extra for was the hooker. (Bob Mills)  

      The eagerly-anticipated Fashion Week is fully underway in New York City with designers and models converging on Manhattan's posh hostelries from all over the world.  Responding to criticism from civil rights activists, this is the first year the girls will be required to pass a minimum body mass test -- they must be able to show they can shower without being sucked down the drain. (Bob Mills)  

      Indianapolis is hosting a home tech show this week in which Sony will introduce its new eighty-four inch high-definition TV. It also has ten speakers and can carry three dimensional broadcasts. The price will be listed as twenty thousand dollars in food stamps. (Argus Hamilton)

      A company announced they are now selling waffle-flavored vodka. Who is this for, the drunks that still think breakfast is the most important meal of the day? (Jay Leno)


      A study says that more than half of U.S. drivers killed in car accidents have either alcohol or drugs in their systems. Of course, they were hit by the other half who were sober but texting while they were driving. (Jim Barach)

      Japanese toilet-making giant TOTO has unveiled Toilet Bike Neo, a 'poop-powered' motorcycle that it claims can travel 180 miles on a tank filled with animal waste and sewage, Agence France Presse reported. So far so good, but the ultimate question remains: Can it pass the emissions test? (Dwight Perry)

      The Mercantile Exchange in New York reports the highest-ever Labor Day weekend oil prices. Motorists are getting desperate. It's so expensive in Los Angeles that Lindsay Lohan has agreed to play porn star Linda Lovelace just so she can learn how to siphon gas. (Argus Hamilton)

      Glenn Beck says he was treated rudely by the crew on an American Airlines flight because of his political views. To which other American passengers are telling him to get over himself. American treats all customers equally as rude. (Jim Barach)  


      A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter. (Jay Leno)

      A man in Florida has been arrested for robbing a McDonald's while wearing a President Obama mask.  He said, "You can give me your money now or I'll get it from taxing you, your choice." (Steve Yeich)

      This Obama robber made some pretty scary threats to the McDonald's employees. He said, "Give me your money, or else my economic plan will have you working here for the rest of your life." (Jay Leno)

      NASA & SPACE

      NASA scientists said that after 35 years, Voyager 1 is on the edge of the solar system and on the verge of heading for the stars. The scientists said the reason it is taking so long is because Los Angeles traffic backs up for years near Tom Cruise's house. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Voyager 1 was launched 35 years ago with 68 kilobytes of computer memory. It also is equipped with an eight-track tape player that features David Bowie's 'Space Oddity'.(Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Hopkinsville, Kentucky will be the prime spot to view an upcoming total solar eclipse in 2017 which will be in the shadow longer than any other place on the planet. Although the rest of Kentucky has pretty much been in the dark since before the Civil War. (Jim Barach)  


      Officials in Brazil have sparked controversy by allowing a man to marry both of his two girlfriends. The trio, from Rio De Janeiro, have lived together as a 'married couple' for three years and share bills and a bank account.  An official in Rio argued that the man and two women should be entitled to family rights. (Rich Hancock)


      The unemployment rate in Greece has surged to 24.4%. That’s not bad when you consider they are somehow finding work for 75.6% in a country that pretty much just turns out Ouzo and olive oil. (Jim Barach)

      Reuters reports there's a wildly popular fad in Romania of kidnapping a bride for ransom on her wedding day. This puts a whole new spin on 'Do you take this woman?'(RJ Currie) 

      A farmer in Germany accidentally planted a crop of marijuana after thinking that he was growing sunflowers. The farmer said he was really surprised that the cops actually bought that story. (Jimmy Fallon

      Swedish and French fashion retailers used computer generated supermodels in fall catalogues. The beauty of the virtual models alarmed the actual models. If they looked any more perfect, it's widely feared that Tom Brady could leave Gisele Bündchen for a hologram. (Argus Hamilton)


      Archaeologists in Israel report they've unearthed some figurines dating to 7,000 B. C. Most shocking find thus far: Goliath won the first Outland Trophy. (Dwight Perry)


      Sri Lankan police used an X-ray to prove a suspect ate a 1.5-carat stone at a gem exhibit. Speaking of diamonds, the Yankees blew a 10-game AL East lead. Now that's hard to swallow. (RJ Currie) 

      Masseuses in Thailand set a new world record of 641 simultaneous massages. Former record -holder Australia has demanded a rubber match. (RJ Currie)


      Next year McDonald's is opening two restaurants in India that don't serve meat. They're doing it because cows are sacred in India. Whereas here, they're lunch. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      They'll still have the Happy Meal in India. To be honest, for most people in India, any meal is a happy meal. (Jimmy Kimmel)  


      A group of scientists say they’ve found the gene that fuels happiness in women. Location of the DNA is similar in most all females. Researchers say it’s extremely close to a mall. (Alan Ray)


      An Arizona hospital says it will review the $83,000 bill given to a woman for treatment of a scorpion sting. They may increase the bill to over $100,000 for the treatment she received in the ER for shock after they gave her the $83,000 bill. (Jim Barach)


      A study reveals that 33% of Americans have high blood pressure. If you remove the ones living in Bellingham that have to share their space with cross border shoppers, that figure drops to 24%.(TC Chong)  

      A study says that non-alcoholic wine gives the best health benefits to people. Mostly because sticking to non-alcoholic wine for health reasons will rule out a lot of the accidental pregnancies that come along with the full strength vintages. (Jim Barach)  


      Outside it's like 82 and cloudy -- like Clint Eastwood.  (David Letterman)  

      President Barack Obama and alleged presidential candidate Mitt Romney both visited Louisiana after hurricane Isaac passed through. Obama was there to see how the local folks were doing, Romney to see if he could flash a little cash and snap up some fixer upper homes to flip. (Jerry W.

      A small earthquake rattled Beverly Hills the other day. It scared Lindsay Lohan. She swerved her BMW and landed up on the street. (Alan Ray)  



      The Yankees have blown a 10-game lead in the standings, and are now tied for first place. You can tell they're depressed. Today, five of their players tested positive for Häagen-Dazs. (Jimmy Fallon

      This just in: Bud Selig announces plans to expand playoffs further this year. How far? Just enough so that the Yankees are in the post-season. Even Bud has given up on the Red Sox. (Janice Hough)  

      There have been an estimated 500,000 errors made in major league baseball since 1876. Not included were the Boston Red Sox trading Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees for cash, Cubs fan Steve Bartman interfering with a play in 2003 or the Red Sox hiring Bobby Valentine. (Cam Hutchenson)  

      There were rumors that the Red Sox had fired Bobby Valentine today. So far those rumors are false. And frustrated Red Sox fans are thinking, "Good, if we have to put up with this mess through the end of the year, so do you." (Janice Hough)  


      The NFL season kicked off in New Jersey. The Dallas Cowboys played the defending champion New York Giants. So ladies, I guess we'll catch up with you on Valentine's Day. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      This season USC opened at #1 in college football polls. A ranking that lasted one week until Alabama crushed Michigan. SEC fans are leaning back and thinking "Well, glad that little affirmation action charade is over." (Janice Hough)  

      USC is being investigated again, this time for two athletes receiving gifts like cars and cars in 2009. Well, hey, with Barkley they may win the national championship and then who cares if the Trojans end up back on probation? (Janice Hough)  

      Washington State lost its team's season-opening 30-6 at BYU: "If you really wanted to see us play well, you should have been there for Monday's practice." (Mike Leach)

      After South Carolina  ninth-ranked Gamecocks escaped with a 17-13 season-opening win: "We were fortunate to beat Vandy. They don't have a bunch of slow dudes like they used to." (Steve Spurrier)

      The Dallas Cowboys have clamped down on wayward receiver Dez Bryant, including a round-the-clock security detail, a midnight curfew and a ban on alcohol and strip clubs. Coincidentally, it's the same restrictions the Royal Family is putting on Prince Harry. (Steve Schrader) 

      The NFL season gets under way with replacement referees. Meanwhile, regular refs sit by ide, paying no attention to the games. Or as they like to call it, prepping. (Alan Ray)   

      On NFL life with replacement referees: Last week in Denver, Peyton Manning slid for a first down and the referee called him out. (Argus Hamilton)  

      Replacement refs debut tonight for the NFL opener between the Cowboys and Giants. Vegas has offered a prop bet on whether or not the coin toss will be challenged by either coach. (TC Chong)  

      The New England Patriots is offering free Wi-Fi for all their home games. This means that Gisele Bundchen and Wes Welker can tweet each other instantly when Wes drops the bleeping ball. (TC Chong)  

      Savannah State was paid $385,000 to absorb an 84-0 pounding from Oklahoma State. Hey, it's a great lesson for economic majors. Take the money and fumble.  (Len Berman)

      Practice makes perfect, and Mississippi State proved it. A bunch of Bulldogs got tangled in a multi-player pileup when they tripped over each other running out of the tunnel before Saturday's

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