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Weakly Humerus News 08-26-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-26-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Elated over the record-breaking viewer statistics of the London Olympics, NBC
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 26, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-26-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Elated over the record-breaking viewer statistics of the London Olympics, NBC announced today that this year's World Series would be time-delayed 3 hours to the west coast. (Stan Kegel)

      At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, "I'd trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona." To which President Obama said, "Deal!" (Jay Leno)

      Republicans aren't just hurting in Missouri, they're Akin.  (Tim Hunter)

      Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century. (David Letterman)

      Akin announced that he is staying in the race. Is that a surprise? A guy who that so little about a woman's body doesn't know when it's time to pull out. (Jay Leno)  

      I fear that Paul Ryan's extremist views about rape & abortion will distract us from his extremist views about Social Security & Medicare. (Andy Borowitz) 

      If you gathered all the Republicans together and placed them end to end, you'd be hailed as a hero for distracting them long enough so Democrats could actually get some work done. (Bill in Portland Maine)

      If Facebook is supposed to know so much about all of us, why does it keep asking me if I want to date 50+ women? That's 49 more than I could possibly handle at my age. (Gary Hallock) 

      In a book, a sociologist says the recipe for happiness is an enduring marriage with many affairs. “So why am I not happy?’’ asked Bill Clinton. (Cam Hutchenson)

      The LPGA is in town this week for the Canadian Open. All the local Korean restaurants are booked solid.   One owner said, “It’s a real dog eat dog business.” (TC Chong)   

      There is a global shortage of helium. Fortunately, organizers of the Democratic National Convention have a backup plan for filling their celebratory balloons. Hot air will be provided by Joe Biden. (Gary Bachman)  

      Mitt Romney campaigning in Michigan today said "No one's ever asked to see my birth certificate." True. But no one's now asking to see Barack Obama's tax returns. (Janice Hough)  

      The NHL seems at serious risk of a cancelled season because of labor strife. Dear hockey: Most of America barely likes you as is. Don't press your luck. (Greg Cote)

      TODD AKIN

      Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are "legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant." The good news? Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected. (Jay Leno)

      Rep. Todd Akin, running for Senate in Missouri, is against abortion in case of rape. But he "understands from doctors, that's really rare. "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." Okay, even by Florida and Arizona standards, this dude is crazy. (Janice Hough)  

      Fellow Republicans are calling for Todd Akin to step down. But Democrats are going, "Stay in! Don't be a quitter. Hang in there." (Jay Leno)

      Todd Akin was correct in saying rape cannot result in a pregnancy -- but only in Arizona which defines the date of start of a pregnancy as the date of the girl's last period. The alleged rapist cannot be the father of the child when she was assaulted as she was legally pregnant before the alleged rape occurred. (Stan Kegel)

      Todd Akins said he "misspoke." "Misspeaking" to my mind is Obama saying he campaigned in all 57 states, or Romney introducing Ryan as the next President of the United States. Saying something you believe is only a mistake when it blows up in your face. (Janice Hough)  

      To be fair, Todd Akin did say, "From what I understand." (Jess Dweck) 

      Contrary to popular opinion, GOP leaders have already forgiven Todd Akin for his "legitimate rape" firestorm. In fact, today he received a personal invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney. (Janice Hough)  

      Todd Akin should be awarded the “Joe Biden Foot So Deep in His Mouth He Could Tickle His Spleen With His Shoelaces” Lifetime Achievement Award. (Will Durst)  

      Akin apologized on Rachael Ray's show and then they made veal mea culpa. (David Letterman)

      Missouri Senate hopeful Todd Akin has said that since thousands of men have been raped in prison and not one of them got pregnant, those were legitimate rapes. Many of those men said they couldn't comfortably sit down in court to testify against him. (Jerry W.)

       

      Question; in order for rape to be considered legitimate, does it have to be approved by a board of elders or can I just mail in paperwork? (Lindsay Ellis)

      Tomorrow, Todd Akin explains that legitimate murders don’t cause death. (Jamelle Bouie) 

       

      There's "misspoke" and then there's "mistakenly said out loud something totally batshit crazy that I actually believe" (Charles Monaco) 

      Todd Akin refusing to resign is proof the human body doesn't always know when it should shut things down. (Comedy Central's Indecision)

      A doctor just told Todd Akin that for people who are legitimately stupid, the body politic has a way of shutting them down. (John Podhoretz) 

      Missouri Congressman Todd Akin has some interesting views on health. I think he's in a little hot water. Penn State took down his statue today. (David Letterman)

      i wish the female body had a magical mechanism to protect us from giving birth to people like Todd Akin. (Stephanie Georgopulos) 

      I've never heard of a girl getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest. (Rep. Steve King, R-NY)

      The War on Women may have been lost by a dick in Missouri. (Andy Borowitz)

      PAUL RYAN

      Since Romney doesn’t care about poor people, he needed to balance the ticket with someone who doesn’t care about old people. (Andy Borowitz)

      Paul Ryan. Dedicated to the belief that Mitt Romney needs a tax break more than you need Medicare. (LOLGOP)

      Paul Ryan is Romney's pick for VP. Perfect choice. Ryan's a water boy for the super rich and Mitt Romney is thirsty. (Adam McKay) 

      Republicans are as excited about Ryan as they were 4 years ago about a woman they are now banning from the convention. (Andy Borowitz)

      Are you excited about Paul Ryan? He's a far, far-right ideologue. The Republican base loves him. He's kind of an English-speaking version of Sarah Palin. (Bill Maher)  

      Sarah Palin didn't read. Paul Ryan reads Ayn Rand. This round goes to Palin. (Bill Maher)  

      In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof. (David Letterman)  

      Paul Ryan introduced a budget plan that would overhaul Medicare and make deep cuts to other social and healthcare programs because he believes the American people have said loud and clear: "Stop using my tax dollars to take care of me." (Seth Meyers)

      Paul Ryan announced in a speech today that if he and Mitt Romney are elected, medicare will provide an unlimited supply of K-Y Jelly. Then he told those who will soon retire that they’re going to really appreciate that after his new plan kicks in. (Jerry W.)

      Paul Ryan has strong, unbreakable beliefs: Like the poor have it too good and billionaires just need a break. (LOLGOP)

      Not a big fan of Ryan or Ayn Rand, but nice to see a Republican obsessed with a lengthy, dull book that's not the Bible. (Chris Regan)

      Tell me one area where Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin would disagree? I cannot find one area. So somehow he's the smartest guy in the party and she's the stupidest woman on earth, but they agree on everything. (Bill Maher)  

      Saying Paul Ryan is a better pick than Sarah Palin is like saying shampoo is a better drink than poison. (Comedy Central's Indecision)

      Sarah Palin has finally semi-weighed in on Todd Akin, say she understands "that he doesn’t want to be perceived as a quitter, but you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them." Well, no one has ever accused Palin of waiting too long to quit. (Janice Hough)  

      Paul Ryan reportedly listens to heavy metal. Megadeth isn't just his favorite band, it's also his healthcare policy. (Comedy Central's Indecision)

       RESTRICTIVE VOTER LAWS

      This year 41 states have introduced at least 180 bills that would reduce voting, whether by requiring an ID at the polls, curbing registration drives, or limiting early balloting. Critics argue these measures are aimed at disenfranchising the young.

      Nevada: Polling places will no longer supply ballots; voters must bring their own

      Ohio: Voters must present valid Republican Party membership card

      Tennessee: All registered voters must show up at polling areas with at least one normal-looking coworker who promises that voter is cool

      Kentucky: Polling place staffed by voters' high school girlfriends and boyfriends

      Alabama: Voters required to correctly guess the number the voting inspector is thinking of

      Oregon: Voters have to give five reasons why voting actually matters

      Minnesota: Each voter must devise one new voting restriction for next person in line before being allowed to enter booth (Above all from The Onion)

      The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study, will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that's the price you pay for preventing something that doesn't happen. (Jon Stewart)  

      MITT ROMNEY

      Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment. (Jay Leno)

      When Mitt Romney called Paul Ryan 'the next president,' it proved that even robots make mistakes. (Mike Birbiglia)

      Mitt Romney says if he is elected he will create 12 million new jobs in his first year in office — and that's just people to do his taxes. (Jay Leno)

      CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, "This is outta my league, bro." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Romney joked that no one ever asked to see his birth certificate. Been hanging out with Trump too much. You know, maybe The Donald is a carrier. The Typhoid Mary of Stupid. (Will Durst)  

      Mitt Romney is having a problem with one of his election campaign's corporate sponsors, a Utah based company that he got to invest in the 2002 Salt Lake City Utah Olympic winter games. This company is called "Nu Skin", and he wants it to create a product to ease issues with the Baptism of living or deceased Jewish people by the Mormon church. Plans are for it to be called either 'Nu Foreskin' or 'Bris-B-Gone'. (Jerry W.)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama is on the stump. He recently held a photo op at a disaster area. He had his picture made with Joe Biden. (Alan Ray)

      President Obama had lunch with Hillary Clinton at the White House Thursday in the wake of Joe Biden's damage to the ticket. It's that special time every four years when she's considered as the party's vice presidential nominee. Hillary celebrates it as Passover. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama's supporters can now text the word "GIVE" to donate up to $50 to his campaign, although it's frustrating when autocorrect keeps changing it to "Fix the economy." (Jimmy Fallon)

      In a new interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said she doesn't have time to read "Fifty Shades of Grey." Then it got weird when she added, "Again." (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE CAMPAIGNS

      Paul Ryan just blamed President Obama for a Wisconsin GM plant closure that happened BEFORE he took office. Can't wait until Ryan heads south and blames Obama for the federal response to Katrina. (Janice Hough)  

      It's now being reported that Joe Biden will go to the Republican convention to try to cause problems for Mitt Romney. Then after that, he will go to the Democratic convention where he will definitely cause problems for President Obama. (Jay Leno)

      When Romney and Ryan call themselves "America's Comeback Team," they mean they want America to come back to 1860. (Andy Borowitz)

      I see Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan have taken to calling themselves America's Comeback Team. Cause Pussy Riot was taken. (Bill Maher)

      Mitt Romney on reports that Obama had spent more campaign money than he raised in July. ""We're a little wiser in our spending than the other side, apparently." Uh, well with the Super PACS that's like saying you're keeping to a budget when you're living off your parents' money. (Janice Hough)  

      THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

      New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will deliver the keynote speech at the upcoming Republican National Convention in Miami. Christie promises to discuss the GOP's open-tent policy for Latinos and gays and the party's platform. Oops, did I say platform? At 310 pounds, he IS the platform. (Bob Mills)

      New Jersey governor Chris Christie will give the keynote address at the GOP convention. So far, his speech is 20 pages long. No wait a minute, that’s his grocery list. (Alan Ray)

      RNC Chair Reince Priebus said today: "This is the platform of the Republican Party; it's not the platform of Mitt Romney." Is that because Romney is more moderate, or because the GOP can't figure out what Mitt's platform is either? (Janice Hough)  

      More "stuff" you can't make up: An anti-Obama session at the GOP convention will be titled "We Built This." The session will be held at the Tampa Bay Times Forum arena, built in 1996 with 62% government money. (Janice Hough)  

      Lynyrd Skynyrd is performing at the GOP convention. The band's latest album? "Last of a dyin' breed." (Janice Hough)  

      Tropical Storm Isaac is expected to develop into a hurricane in the next few days. Unfortunately, the Republican National Convention starts in Florida on Monday. The National Weather Service says the storm could reach category 5, which is strong enough to move Mitt Romney's part to the other side of his head. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Republican convention will go on as planned. Those conventioneers who were concerned about getting blown away will have to be content with the hookers, who will find the time that they spent on their knees praying for hurricane Isaac to pass by was a good warm up. (Jerry W.)

      THE CONGRESS

      You can't make this "stuff" up post of the day. Todd Akin, he of the women rarely get pregnant from "legitimate rape" quote, sits on the House Science Committee. (Janice Hough)

      The only really happy person in the GOP this week? Maybe Kevin Yoder, that congressman who went skinny dipping in the Sea of Galillee. Akin did manage to knock his "full disclosure" right off the front page. (Janice Hough)  

      GOP congressmen admitted drinking and swimming naked in the Sea of Galilee last year. You can't get away with anything now that there's drone surveillance. The operators are sitting in a trailer in Nevada and after a while they're just like everyone else on the Internet, searching for porn. (Argus Hamilton)

      GOP congressman Kevin Yoder apologized for skinny-dipping in the Sea of Galilee in Israel at a GOP House members' junket last year, now being investigated by the FBI. There's no scandal here. Republicans have nothing to hide unless you want to see their tax returns. (Argus Hamilton)

      Kansas Representative Kevin Yoder is being investigated for skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee. He really put the "junk" into junket. Apparently Yoder figured that he might as well go in naked since in Kansas Saturday night is bath night anyway. (Jim Barach)  

      THE COURTS

      Reports say that courtrooms are being flooded across the nation by poor people who are representing themselves because they can't afford a lawyer. Which is contrary to the usual way where people pay for a lawyer and then leave the court as a poor person. (Jim Barach)  

      The New York State Supreme Court has barred Manhattan taxis from expanding coverage area. Cabbies say the ruling is like the inside of their vehicles. "It stinks to high heavens." (Alan Ray)  

      THE STATES

      A 92 year old woman is running for the State House in South Dakota. Her reason for running is "What else is there to do in South Dakota?" She claims to be tougher than any of her opponents. She says let's see them make it through 92 South Dakota winters. (Jim Barach)  

      LOCAL NEWS

      An RV bearing the slogan "Who's Your Daddy" is functioning as a mobile clinic doing DNA paternity tests in New York City. Wonder how long until they get a sponsorship deal with the NBA? (Janice Hough)  

      Beekeepers removed 3-million bees from a New York City home Wednesday night. Apparently a man who was a beekeeper in China kept 45 hives in his home and all those bees. At the end of the day, when he walked in the door and said, "Honey, I'm home," he wasn't kidding!  (Tim Hunter)

      Robberies on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. have gone up a reported 64% in the past year. And that doesn't even include what Congress demands from lobbyists to pass the laws they want. (Jim Barach)  

      75 people in Tampa, Florida donned costumes for the city's Rooster Parade this past weekend. It's a New Orleans-style funeral procession that commemorates the 1997 death of a wild rooster that used to wander the city's street. (Rich Hancock)

      Thousands of marijuana fans are rallying in Seattle to support Initiative 502 that would legalize pot. The only problem is that on election day, half the marijuana smokers are going to mistakenly vote for Initiative 420 instead. (Jim Barach)  

      Two UPS drivers in New York were arrested after 40 pounds of marijuana was found in a delivery truck. Authorities became suspicious when the drivers' pickup stops were always at Domino's, Mrs. Fields and KFC. (Jim Barach)  

      U.S. POLITICS & POLITICIANS

      Chris Christie likes to eat. Last month he was the only man chasing the bulls through the streets of Pamplona carrying a bottle of barbecue sauce. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ECONOMY

      The price of gasoline hit an all-time record high for August. Apparently the oil executives need a little help in paying for that one last vacation before summer ends. (Jim Barach)

      A poll says a majority of voters say they are not better off than they were in 2008. Of course, a majority also says they aren't any better off than they were in 1982(Jim Barach)  

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Facebook shares continue to tumble. I'm glad I traded mine in for a couple of Farmville tractors, shares in a Chic-Fil-A Bay Area franchise and shark fin futures. (TC Chong)

      The four most valuable companies in the U. S. are Apple, Exxon Mobil, Microsoft, and IBM. Which shows how dangerous our roads are as one of those companies allows you to fill your car with gas and the other three give you the technology to text while driving. (Jim Barach)  

      Computer company Hewlitt-Packard is reeling from its biggest quarterly loss in history — over eight billion dollars! It's mostly because they bought a company that's losing money right and left. HP shareholders are wondering if the company's management has any intel inside. (Terry Etter)

      Meg Whittman has crashed and burned more businesses than John McCain has crashed American aircraft, I guess it's a Republican thing, so you wouldn't understand. (Jerry W.)

      Nike is selling its new LeBron James sneakers for $300 a pair. Which is good news for the kids who are making the shoes in Nike's factories in China who will see their salaries skyrocket to 73 cents a day. (Jim Barach)  

      I read that the Cheesecake Factory is planning to open its first location in the Middle East. It'll be weird when customers are reading the menu and they're like, "And we thought the Koran was long — I'm on page 20 and we're still on lettuce wraps!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Ever alert to expand their products and services, Swedish-owned Ikea, home of reasonably priced assemble-yourself furniture and accessories, is entering the hospitality industry, beginning with 100 budget hotels across Europe. Budget is an understatement. For only $20, you get a large room with a king-sized bed. Well - uh - not exactly a bed. Actually, you get a stack of lumber and a screwdriver. (Bob Mills)

      A new sprout pencil contains a seed that grows into a plant when the pencil is discarded. The only problem is that the veggies that grow from the pencil taste like No. 2. (Jim Barach)  

      TRANSPORTATION

      AAA says that 33 Million Americans will take to the road on the Labor Day Weekend. Mostly people who have lots of free time since they no longer have any labor to perform. (Jim Barach)  

      Washington's Dulles International Airport is the first in the nation to install a video surveillance system to help departing passengers determine when to check in with the least hassle. The ingenious software, developed by French time and motion scientists, estimates the wait based on the number of people in line weighed against the average times assigned to each security procedure -- Frisk (2.66 min), Grope (3.07 min), Probe (4.85 min) and Fore Play (12.56 min) (Bob Mills)

      An Air France plane was diverted to Syria where passengers were asked to help pay to refuel the plane, which can cost up to $25,000. And here people are complaining about paying $8 for a blanket on a flight. (Jim Barach)  

      A Vietnam airline was fined after beauty queens in bikinis performed to blasting dance music during a flight.  A YouTube video shows young women in open vests and red bikini tops gyrating in the aisle as gleeful male passengers snap photographs on the Vietjet Air flight. Vietnam's Civil Aviation Administration fined the airline 20 million dong ($960) for staging the three-minute show without receiving official approval. (Rich Hancock)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A NY tennis referee, 70, has been arrested and charged with beating her husband, 80, to death with a coffee mug. Starbucks immediately issued a statement. "Coffee mugs do not kill people. People kill people." (Janice Hough)  

      MARS / NASA & SPACE

      The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here's my question. If we're on the surface of Mars, aren't we the UFO? (Jay Leno)

      The Mars rover Curiosity took a picture of itself and radioed it back to Earth. The picture shows Curiosity without any clothes on, looking in a bathroom mirror and holding up a cell phone. It's the first instance of interplanetary sexting. (Terry Etter)

      NASA has discovered a new galaxy that creates two new stars every day. I'm not sure what the galaxy's name is, but I think we can rule out 'American Idol'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      CANADA

      A woman was smuggling her boyfriend into the United States from Canada. The young woman smuggled the guy in a suitcase. She's a Playboy Playmate. So that got me to thinking that these Playboy Playmates may not be as smart as we think they are. (David Letterman)

      The Canadian Women's Soccer team received a warm welcome this week at YVR. It was the hottest reception anyone received at the airport since that Polish guy got tasered by the RCMP. (TC Chong)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Nude photos popped up on the Internet today of what appears to be Prince Harry having a big naked party in Las Vegas. This has caused quite a commotion in London. But I'd be disappointed if my prince WASN'T having naked parties in Vegas. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Britain’s Prince Harry partied nude in Las Vegas. It’s gotta be him. Careful analysis of photos reveal why he was given that name. (Alan Ray)

      Naked pictures of Prince Harry at a Vegas party have surfaced online. Harry was playing strip billiards. The very talented prince pocketed the eight ball usng just a six-inch cue stick. (Gary Bachman)  

      Footage has surfaced of Ryan Lochte with Prince Harry in Las Vegas. Not playing strip billiards, but having a 3am swimming race. Now that the video's out, wonder if the hotel's already cleaned the pool? (Janice Hough)  

      I just think it's refreshing to see a famous redhead drunk and stripping that isn't Lindsay Lohan for a change. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      After just a brief look at the photos of Prince Harry, it becomes obvious that not all rulers are 12 inches in length. (Jerry W.)

      What's the point of being a prince if you can't round girls up in Vegas and get naked with them? In the olden days, it probably went on every night and if you told anybody about it, they cut your head off. (Jimmy Kimmel)  

      EUROPE

      For the second year running, Forbes Magazine has crowned German Chancellor Angela Merkel the "World's Most Powerful Woman," closely followed in the second and third slots by Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama. Placing fourth through seventh is the cast of "The View." (Bob Mills)

      Three female punkers from the group Pussy Riot will spend 2 years in a Russian prison for hooliganism. They’ll get little food, drab housing, and outside isolation. And then they’ll go to jail. (Alan Ray)  

      In Norway the contents of a 100-year-old package with special instructions not to open it until 2012 were revealed with great fanfare. Big deal. Larry King has a 100-year-old package, and I have no desire to see its contents revealed. (Gary Bachman)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      A biblical theme park in Israel has hooked up their donkeys as Wi-Fi hot spots. The theme park, which re-enacts first- and second-century life, has outfitted donkeys with wireless routers so that visitors can post their photos and comments to Facebook and Twitter. (Rich Hancock)

      I loved the story last week about Rep. Kevin Yoder admitting he went skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee. I’m surprised the story was leaked. After all, doesn’t what happens in the Sea of Galilee stay in the Sea of Galilee? (Cam Hutchenson)

      During an informational trip to Israel, Rep. Kevin Yoder took off his clothes and went skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee. Wouldn’t it have been more appropriate for him to take off his clothes in the 'Gaza Strip'? (Gary Bachman)  

      Republican Congressman Kevin Yoder of Kansas will return to Israel for legal reasons after he went "Skinny Dipping" in the Sea of Galilee, since the water was colder than expected, he will be tried for Insignificant Exposure. In a related story, New Jersey's Governor Chris Christie told his constituents that they had nothing to worry about, there's no way he will ever embarrass them by being accused of "Skinny" anything. (Jerry W.) 

      THE FAR EAST

      A farmer plowing his field in Bardanga, Nepal was bitten by a cobra and became so enraged that he chased it down and bit it to death with his bare teeth. Doctors in nearby Kathmandu where he was taken for treatment credit his survival on the immunity to snake venom he inherited from his father, a lawyer. (Bob Mills)

      SCIENCE

      New research has found that people who wake up early are more productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, "Whoa — is it noon already?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      HEALTH

      A study says that marriage may reduce health risks in women. Except for women who marry O. J. Simpson and Robert Blake. (Jim Barach)  

      According to a new study, eating egg yolks after the age of 40 is as bad for you as smoking. Let me tell you something. If you are stupid enough to eat a 40-year-old egg yolk, you get what you deserve. (Jay Leno)

      A study released by the Journal Biology and Reproduction found that men who ate two hands full of crushed walnuts daily improved the shape, movement and vitality of their sperm which in turn may lessen the incidence of male infertility. Probably won't result in more kids, though. Their partners were so turned off by the sound of cracking walnuts, they were out of the mood. (Bob Mills)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      With Hurricane Isaac heading towards the site of the 2012 Republican National Convention, presumptive G. O.P. nominee Mitt Romney today called for the government to respond with a round of "emergency tax cuts." "If this hurricane is as powerful as predicted, it could destroy many people's second and third homes," Mr. Romney said. "In that worst-case scenario, it would be inhumane to ask them to pay more than thirteen percent." (Andy Borowitz)

      Vice presidential pick Paul Ryan echoed Mr. Romney's sentiments, adding that he was glad he voted to cut emergency relief earlier this year because "big government needs to stay out of hurricanes." "If the Federal government got involved with this hurricane, they'd make the usual mistake of sending food, water, and medical supplies," he said. "Clearly, what this situation calls for is vouchers." (Andy Borowitz)

      Tropical storm and potential hurricane Isaac may actually wreak havoc on Tampa and thus the GOP convention. Republicans say, however, that the show will go on. In fact, they're thinking of offering Todd Akin a special speaking slot - somewhere outdoors. (Janice Hough)

      SPORTS

      GOLF -- AUGUSTA

      Augusta National Golf Club accepted two women members today, Condoleezza Rice and Darla Moore. This is a groundbreaking historic moment for gender equality in the golf world. They will be allowed to reserve tee times on Tuesday (Ladies Day) – after 6pm and weekends & holidays after 730pm. (TC Chong)

      Augusta National Golf Club has admitted its first two women members, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and businesswoman Darla Moore. Women's rights groups are happy at the decision but were unrealistically hoping it would be Hillary Clinton and Ellen DeGeneres. (Jim Barach)  

      Good news ladies, you can now become a member of the Augusta National Golf Club. And if you're lucky enough to get raped by a Republican member, you won't get pregnant. (Bill Williams)

      Augusta National asked Condoleezza Rice to be its first female member in the club's history Monday. Everyone's wrong about why she was invited to join the club. It's not because she's black and it's not because she's a woman, it's because the piano player quit. (Argus Hamilton)

      Is this the end of "The Old Boys Club"? The new members weren't given green jackets. They were handed green halter tops with matching hot pants. (TC Chong)

      Augusta National Golf Club accepted two women members today, Condoleezza Rice and Darla Moore. Former Chairman Hootie Johnson welcomes them to apply for positions at his new Hooties Bar opening this year just behind Butler Cabin. (TC Chong)

      Condoleezza Rice already has her own locker and set of custom-made Calloways. Only she doesn't call them clubs. She calls them "weapons of mass destruction." (Bob Mills)

      Augusta National Golf Club has admitted its first two women members, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and businesswoman Darla Moore. The first day was productive. They were shown where the coffee maker and broom closet are located.  (Jim Barach)   

      BASKETBALL

      There's no bigger star in basketball today than LeBron James. Nike gets together with LeBron James and they designed a new shoe for $315. (David Letterman)

      Nike had an explanation for the reason these shoes are so expensive. They said the kids in China making the shoes are demanding two cents a day now. (David Letterman)

      BASEBALL

      Oakland A's pitcher Bartolo Colon is suspended 50 games for a positive PED test. Coaches began to suspect something when the radar clocked him at 100. And that was his change up. (Alan Ray)  

      Former Cy Young award winner Bartolo Colon has just been handed a fifty game suspension for steroid use. Colon had been struggling lately and admitted to PEDs usage as his career was becoming just a semi-Colon. (T

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