Weakly Humerus News 08-05-12
- WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-05-12AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONETOP QUOTES OF THE WEEKMitt Romney said today that Harry Reid needs "to put up or shut up" with his accusations that Romney didn't pay taxes for years. Gosh, if there were only a way to settle this once and for all. (Paul Benoit)As much as half of India may now be without power. Clearly we need to blame Obama. (Janice Hough)NYC's Mayor Mike Bloomberg has now directed that mothers of infants should breast feed their babies rather than feed them formula with a bottle. He is issuing waivers, however, for women whose breasts contain more than 16 ounces of milk. (Phil G.)Vice President Joe Biden said today that he had to ask his wife Jill to marry him five times before she said yes. Five times! Joe, that's not a proposal, that's harassment. (Jay Leno)A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. Well, it makes sense, because if Romney wins, it's definitely going to be thanks to the one percent. (Jimmy Fallon)Mitt Romney is like George W. Bush and Sarah Palin combined, he’s the gift that will keep on giving to comedy writers until he finds a way to offshore them. (Jerry W.)GM is ramping up subprime loans on cars to drive up sales. Which means people who had their homes foreclosed on a subprime loan can now have the car they are living in repossessed the same way. (Jim Barach)Scandal at the Olympics, as the Chinese and South Korean women’s badminton teams have been accused of tanking early round games to ensure more favorable matchups after reseeding. Word is the authorities were tipped off by a little birdie. (Marc Ragovin)The Seattle garbage strike continues. Both sides keep getting together, but it doesn't take long before it all turns to 'trash talk’. (Tim Hunter) 'Two porn stars have come out in support of Mitt Romney, because if you know anything about porn, Mitt’s fiscal policies are the ultimate 'Money Shot'. (Bill Williams)Bizarre watching the Olympics on a European channel: No tape delay, no "up close and personal," just nonstop sports. What a concept. (Paul Benoit)A bare-chested woman roamed the streets of NYC to demonstrate against laws that prohibit women from going topless in public. No word yet on whether she got busted. (Gary Bachman)L. A. city workers have been asked to not stream Olympics online as it was coming close to crashing the city's computer system. Workers were told to go back to watching their usual online porn and Facebooking while on the job. (Jim Barach)THE OLYMPICSQueen Elizabeth officially opened the 2012 London Olympics where she formally welcomed the athletes to the UK and wished them well for the duration of the Games. Unfortunately, when she was handed the Olympic torch, she became momentarily flustered and accidentally knighted Mitt Romney. (Bob Mills)The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider. (Conan O'Brien)Is it me, or did Queen Elizabeth look like she was on her way to the Tower of London for beheading? On second thought maybe she had first heard about Romney implying that London was safer during the Blitz. (Mark Russejj)Britain's royals will be out and about during the Olympics, with Prince Harry down to attend beach volleyball matches. Of course he will. There wasn't much chance the married prince would get that 'assignment'. (Don Norcross)Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours. (Craig Ferguson)NBCIf NBC can only wait a little longer they will have one day's events shown after the next day's events actually happen. (Paul Benoit)Got to love it, now NBC is spoiling their OWN coverage. Moments before airing Missy Franklin's tape-delayed Olympic victory in the 100-meter backstroke, NBC ran a promo for Tuesday's edition of "Today" that said this: "When you're 17 years old and win your first gold medal, there's nobody you'd rather share it with." (Janice Hough)NBC apologized for spoiling swimmer Missy Franklin's gold-medal race with an ad during their coverage. How about forgetting the apology and showing things live? (Janice Hough)Are you all watching the Olympics? They're getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. This afternoon NBC apologized saying, "We're just not used to people watching our network!" (Conan O'Brien)NBC apparently showed a "wardrobe malfunction" in women's water polo, where a Spanish player's nipple was briefly exposed. In related news, ratings for women's water polo jumped 50%. (Janice Hough)If they made hot-dog eating an Olympic event where the US had a good chance for gold, Americans would tune in. And NBC would tape-delay it. (Paul Benoit)THE GAMESThe London Olympics are Finally Underway. Right now the United States and China are tied in total medals. Naturally the U. S. trails in gold because every time we win one we hand it over on the podium to pay off our national debt. (Stephen Colbert)The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt. (Conan O'Brien)There are 200-plus countries in this year's Olympics: "So it's a lot like the Big East tournament, only smaller. (Brad Dickson)My personal challenge for this Olympics is watching beach volleyball and actually noticing the score. (Tim Hunter)So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them. (Conan O'Brien)Nigeria against the U. S.A. in men's basketball? Really? Why not something more competitive like Christians vs. Lions? (Janice Hough)The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him. (Jimmy Fallon)The US Men’s basketball team just beat Nigeria 156–73. Afterwards, two Nigerian players asked Kobe and LeBron to help them transfer US$800M out of the their bank accounts as they had won a bet on the US giving up 77½ points. They would have asked Coach K, but he would have lost his amateur status. (TC Chong)The U. S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets. (Conan O'Brien)An Olympic tennis match between Canadian Milos Raonic and France’s J.W. Tsonga lasted 3hr 57m. The 3rd set alone lasted 3hrs. In case the players could not finish due to exhaustion, Daniel Craig (James Bond) and The Queen were put on standby to entertain the crowd with another appearance. (TC Chong)Canadian Olympic equestrian Hawley Bennett-Awad was thrown from the saddle, but she's reportedly in stable condition. And so is her horse. (RJ Currie)Ann Romney's horse just insulted the Olympic judges, did 20 seconds of his routine and told the judges, "I've given you people all you need to see." (Bart Marion)The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold. (Conan O'Brien)China is doing very well in London. Viewers worldwide are watching them win medals, then turning on NBC’s delayed telecasts and seeing them win again half a day later. (TC Chong)A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name "Speedo." It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts. (Craig Ferguson)Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut. (Craig Ferguson)When are we going to see Women’s Beach Baseball, Beach Football, Beach Hockey, Beach Curling, Beach Soccer, Beach Badminton, Beach Basketball, Beach Poker, Beach Horseshoe Pitching, or Beach Frisbee Golf? (TC ChongThe word "sailing" sounds cool. It sounds better than "yachting," which sounds like something Mitt Romney does in his indoor lake. (Craig Ferguson)Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.(Craig Ferguson)THE WINNERSYesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of ‘Jersey Shore’. (Conan O'Brien)Putting Michael Phelps' record Olympic medal haul in perspective: He has more medals than 158 countries that are competing in London. (David Whitley)Michael Phelps has expressed an interest in horse racing. Makes sense–both he and thoroughbreds love grass. (Gary Bachman)Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping -- and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass! (Stephen Colbert)Missy Franklin, who will be a high school senior this year, won a swimming gold medal for the U. S. in the 100 meter backstroke. The only unhappy people in America? Other high school seniors competing against her for college admissions. (Janice Hough)Ryan Lochte's mom is saying the swimmer is "always on the go" and so just "goes out on one-night stands" Not only is Lochte trying to take the title of "Top Male Swimmer" from Michael Phelps, he's also competing for having the "Most Embarrassing Mother." (Janice Hough)South Korean archer Dong Hyun set an Olympic archery record for the most number of bulls-eyes in Friday's qualifying round even though he's legally blind. No one gave him much of a chance. The archery venue was only able to sell tickets for seats behind him. (Argus Hamilton)France's Yannick Agnel won Gold in the men’s 200m freestyle, posting the fastest time since bodysuits were banned. Now you're up to Speedo. (RJ Currie)A Chinese Women's swimmer was so fast in the 400 meter IM, that her last leg was actually faster than the men's winner, Ryan Lochte. Something may be going on with the Chinese women swimmers because she also smashed the all-time record held by Flipper. (Brad Dickson)THE ATHLETESOlympic officials said Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a headscarf. A Saudi woman said she's thrilled about the ruling. All she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics. (Conan O'Brien)Kim Yoo Suk is a Korean pole vaulter competing in London. Hasn’t his surname has been chanted by fans at Maple Leaf games? (TC Chong)Vanessa Bryant is reportedly upset at Kobe for a photo taken of him at a Team USA party. Which means that he has just gone from playing for the gold to playing for the diamond. (Bill Littlejohn)I’m wondering if Michael Phelps ever checked those gold medals he won in Peking for lead content. (TC Chong)The Dutch Olympic women's field hockey team has created a stir for its players' good looks – yes, this type of thing happens every four years. It reminds me of the years when the lookers were the Bulgarian weightlifters and the East German swimmers. (Cam Hutchenson)Those Olympian Chinese women athletes really have everything any normal guy could ask for, and I’m talking about wide shoulders, a deep voice and a mustache. (Jerry W.)An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming. (Conan O'Brien)THE SCANDALS AND CONTRAVERSIESThe liberal media has been hounding Mitt throughout the trip for a couple of hiccups. Like when he offended the English when he questioned whether London was ready for the Olympics. Why is that controversial? Every week Hank Williams Jr. questions whether Americans were ready for some football. (Stephen Colbert)Really, Olympics? The best you can do this time around are badminton and Twitter scandals? (Tim Hunter)At the Olympics, accusations that some of the badminton athletes weren't trying. Only one question: How could you tell? The tricky part is getting witnesses and finding anyone who will admit they were watching badminton. (Tim Hunter)Eight female Olympic badminton players were expelled for trying to lose on purpose. They should move here and run for office as Democrats. (Will Durst)Eight women badminton players from China, South Korea and Indonesia were kicked out of the Olympics for alleged match throwing. (Trying to lose early matches, for easier matches later.) And who says women are not as competitive as men? (Janice Hough)Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic. (Conan O'Brien)Badminton players from several nations were DQ’d when they were caught losing games on purpose in order to play inferior opponents. We tried that, said NY Islanders execs, but the NHL still wouldn’t let The Bolivian Hockey team into our division. (TC Chong)Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost? (Conan O'Brien)As a result of the badminton teams cheating, a suspicious cloud now appears over the other backyard-party-inspired sports like horseshoes, water balloon-tossing and the potato sack races. (Alex Kaseberg)A South Korean flag was mistakenly displayed on a video board during introductions of North Korea's women's soccer team before its first Olympic match. It's times like this I really miss Sarah Palin. (Janice Hough)North Korea's women's soccer team walked off before Thursday's match. Organizers accidentally displayed the South Korean flag and the North Koreans were outraged. They will never be able to go home now that they know what it is like to be angry and have food. (Argus Hamilton)While watching China in Olympic volleyball: I wonder if their uniforms were made in the USA. (Chad Picasner)150,000 condoms were handed out to the athletes at Olympic Village. Remember, this is England, what did you expect to be given away, 150,000 packs of dental floss? (TC Chong)You have to give these athletes credit. They are inventive if nothing else when it comes to the use of banned substances. The Hungarian hammer thrower's urine sample was clean but they discovered that it showed evidences of being an accumulation of several different people. Apparently he smuggled in this sample with the use of a fake penis. His name, oddly enough, is Adrian Annus, and that's as far as I'll go. (Chad Picasner)The IOC is investigating the Irish team for gambling winnings. They uncovered The Irish Olympic Team was entirely funded by wagers against the Carolina Bobcats and Houston Astros. (TC Chong)China's teenage Olympic swimmer Ye Shiwen won two gold medals with astonishing times Tuesday, prompting doping suspicions. The genetic manipulation is a mixed bag. The gills help her to move faster in the water but the penis slows her down. (Argus Hamilton)THE VENUESHundreds of fans were refused entrance to the Olympic archery venue Friday because they'd purchased counterfeit tickets. Moral of the story: It pays to deal with straight-arrows. (RJ Currie)Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans. (Conan O'Brien)MOREOlympic Gold Medal winners also get a $25,000 prize which means American winners owe the IRS nearly $9,000. What's worse is that they now have to declare all those free condoms the Olympic Committee is giving all the athletes. (Jim Barach)McDonalds is the official restaurant of the Olympics. That must mean Jack Daniels is the official beverage of the Betty Ford Center. (Alex Kaseberg)Pole dancers want to be a part of the Olympics in 2016. That would make the women's volleyball players look like they are overdressed. (Jim Barach)The UK's David Icke claims the London 2012 opening ceremony was a secret Satanic ritual. Mr. Icke shocked Britain in 1991 when he announced he was the son of God and predicting that the world would end in 1997. Now he has resurfaced to insist that Danny Boyle's spectacular was a "mass satanic ritual disguised as a celebration of Britain and sport". Icke claimed the giant bell rung during the ceremony was tuned to a frequency which could be heard by a group of Satanists who secretly rule the world. (Rich Hancock)MITT ROMNEYOkay, I think I understand Romney's position of the day on the economy. The 163,000 jobs created last month were in spite of Obama. The 8.3% unemployment rate is all his fault. (Paul Benoit)I can see why Romney is upset with the press - they actually quoted him & the campaign correctly. (Paul Benoit)Concerned that her endorsement of former Massachusetts governor would lead to "cheap, easy jokes and innuendo," Porn star Jenna Jameson held a press conference to explain her decision to endorse Mitt Romney for President. When asked what initially appealed to her about Mr. Romney, Ms. Jameson said, "He's the only person who's assumed more positions than I have." She said that she was particularly impressed by his tenure at Bain Capital: "There's nothing more American, I think, than screwing people you don't know for money. Mitt Romney will do to all of America what I have already done to half of America." (Andy Borowitz)Mitt Romney's campaign denied responsibility for a London newspaper that quoted an unnamed source saying Obama doesn't understand Anglo-Saxons. The source has not been revealed. Half the fun is turning on Fox News just to watch everyone act innocent. (Argus Hamilton)Mitt Romney is promising 12 Million new jobs in four years. Apparently 6 Million of those jobs will be for India, the other 6 Million for China. (Jim Barach)Mitt Romney had a heckuva time getting his horse to the Olympics. For one thing, the horse wouldn’t stay still while being tied to the top of the family car. And driving through the Atlantic Ocean took forever. (Jerry W.)Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he's made while he's in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah. (Jimmy Fallon)Following Mitt Romney's Foreign Affairs Tour (starring Mitt Romney as Chevy Chase), during which: Romney wondered aloud if London was ready to host the Olympics., jprior to the opening of the Olympics in London. Romney, in Israel, lauded the way the Jews had a glorious culture of making money, while those Palestinians, behind their walls and checkpoints, just can't seem to make nothin' outa nothin'. In Poland, after visiting their Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, an aide to the Romney campaign rebuked reporters trying to ask questions (how "dare" they ask questions!, telling them to "Kiss my ass! This is a Holy site for the Polish people -- show some respect!" Campaign adviser Stuart Stevens gushed, "I think it was a great success." (Paul Benoit)All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of '1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die’. (Stephen Colbert)Frankly, I think we should be grateful that Romney wrapped up his foreign trip without starting World War III. (Andy Borowitz)The errors made on his European and Middle Eastern tour to get votes in America are reported to have left Mitt Romney very shaken. If you’re familiar with his “Etch A Sketch” roll model, you can be sure that this will have an affect on his campaign waffling, depending even more than usual on what he thinks people want to hear that day. (Jerry W.)An analysis says that Mitt Romney's tax plan would provide the most benefit for high income families. That could change if Romney ever leaves his neighborhood and finds out there are actually people in the U. S. who are not as rich as he is. (Jim Barach)PRESIDENT OBAMAPresident Obama began running on Bill Clinton's economic program Friday. He says his tax hikes on the rich balanced the budget and began a boom. However, no one minded higher taxes under Bill Clinton because people got their money back in adult entertainment. (Argus Hamilton)Next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney's trip to London. (Jimmy Fallon)President Obama told Oakland Democrats to fight for his re-election this year. They put a slight reverb in his microphone that gives his voice the sound of God. He's doing all he can to win the gun-owner vote by sounding as much as possible like Charlton Heston. (Argus Hamilton)THE REPUBLICANSDick Cheney said John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as a running mate was a "mistake." He also said Thomas Jefferson should not have had to be John Adams's vice-president. (Cam Hutchenson)THE CONGRESSHarry Reid speculates Mitt Romney didn't pay taxes for 10 years. Here's a rule of thumb. If you have to follow your claim with the words "I don't know if that's true," then shut up. Otherwise you might as well put a dead cocker spaniel on your head and start yelling about birth certificates. (Jon Stewart)Republican: "Wow, it was really irresponsible of Harry Reid to say someone told him Mitt Romney had paid no taxes of the past decade." Democrat: "How so?" Republican: "Well, Reid doesn't have any proof. He's just got speculation." Democrat: "And you think if he's going to make a claim about what's in Mitt Romney's tax returns, then he should offer proof?" Republican: "Exactly." Democrat: "Fair enough. But by that standard shouldn't Romney prove that he's telling the truth about his returns?" Republican: "This isn't about Mitt Romney. It's about Harry Reid." (Jed Lewison)John Boehner said that Barack Obama never had a real job. Boehner once had a real job, then he became a Congressman. (Gary Bachman)Congress will adjourn this week after avoiding a budget showdown. They live by one motto. If you're elected to Congress and have the choice of breaking your word to the people or to the lobbyists, break your word to the people, because the lobbyists remember. (Argus Hamilton)LOCAL NEWSNew York Mayor Mike Bloomberg moved to restrict formula milk in hospital baby wards to promote breast-feeding. It could be a problem. Due to his law against drinks more than sixteen ounces, mothers could be arrested if they have breasts larger than a Big Gulp. (Argus Hamilton)An enterprising young dog breeder is allowing tourists to exercise her dogs in New York's Central Park and charging them $15 an hour for the privilege. Kind of reminds me of an escort service I once availed myself of during my bachelor days. They also cost $15 an hour and they were dogs. (Bob Mills)The Los Angeles City Council voted to ban medical marijuana sales at the city's 790 dispensaries. Well, that'll cut down on players demanding a trade to the Lakers or Clippers. (Dwight Perry)A bird exploded in a ball of blood and feathers when it collided with a rider aboard the 45-story Kingda Ka Rollercoaster at a Six Flags in New Jersey. They're thinking of renaming the ride 'The Big Unit'. (Bill Littlejohn)A Tennessee man assaulted his girlfriend when he saw a picture of Mitt Romney on her Facebook page and thought it was a romantic rival. If she had just put a picture of George W. Bush on it instead he would have thought she was reading Mad Magazine. (Jim Barach)A couple in Kansas was arrested for attempting to have sex inside a Wal-Mart store. A new standard for the Ultimate Cheap Date has been set. (Tim Hunter)THE ECONOMYA federal report says the south San Francisco Bay Area is the nation's strongest job market. Mostly because there is a constant turnover as people are considered too old for tech jobs once they hit 26. (Jim Barach)BUSINESS & LABORCHICK-FIL-AThe Henson Company, creators of the Muppets, abruptly severed their long-standing promotional ties with the nationwide Chic-A-Fil Restaurant chain for their stance against gay marriage. Chick-Fil-A promptly responded by condemning the Muppets' inter-species romance between a pig and a frog that they contend clearly violates at least three biblical prohibitions. (Bob Mills)Chic-fil-A executives have created a new ad campaign designed to reach out to those in the community that they have recently bitch slapped. Their new ads will say “We welcome those of you of the gay persuasion to stop in for a chicken sandwich. Please use our rear entrance, which you should already be very familiar with.” (Jerry W.)When you stop for lunch at Chick-fil-A, be sure to try our Chicken Sharia© Sandwich. You’ll find it has that old fundamentalist style flavor, one that will take you back thousands of years to the time when men were men and camels ran scare. (Gary Bachman)OTHER NEWSNew Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer is going to give employees at company headquarters free lunches. You know what they say? (Cam Hutchenson)Best Buy will eliminate 2,400 jobs. Most of the layoffs affect employees who don’t come into contact with the public. The floor clerks. (Alan Ray)TRANSPORTATIONLast week, sewing needles were found in six sandwiches on a Delta flight to Holland, and now a needle showed up in a sandwich on an Air Canada flight. Police are baffled as to who’s doing it. They don’t have a thread of evidence. (Terry Etter)As you have no doubt heard, an Air Canada passenger found what appeared to be a sewing needle in a sandwich. Really? People still eat on airplanes? (Cam Hutchenson)Airfares are expected to drop up to 20% during the fall season. Mostly because airlines will then jack up their luggage and other extra fees by 140%.(Jim Barach)CRIME & PUNISHMENTThe more that comes out on this idiot psycho, James Holmes, the more hated he becomes. And he started out at killing-12-wounding-52 kind of hated. (Alex Kaseberg)That killer guy in Colorado has orange hair. I don't know which is more pathetic…Killing all those people just to get attention, or having Carrot Top as your role model. (Bill Williams)Colorado shooter James Holmes was indicted in state court on two dozen counts of murder Monday. At least they got him. If he'd pulled off this crime at the Olympics, he could have escaped and flown to Switzerland before anybody saw what happened on NBC. (Argus Hamilton)CIVIL RIGHTSA New York woman who spends her days walking around the city topless says she's fighting for equality. Moira Johnston, a topless dancer from Philadelphia, says she is exercising her legal right to take off her shirt. She became a bare breast activist after she was banned from a yoga studio after going topless in class, something men were freely doing. Since May, she has been seen strolling around the city's East Village topless to remind women that, under New York law, they have the right to bare their chests, just like men. (Rich Hancock)NASA & SPACENASA is set to land the six-wheeled Curiosity rover on Mars next week. The rover has an arm with a drill and a pick and a laser gun that vaporizes large rocks. The NCAA just bought one so they can destroy coaches' statues before they become an embarrassment. (Argus Hamilton)UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURTThe United Nations began pushing an initiative Friday that calls for the legalization of prostitution worldwide. Response was swift. The Nevada legislature immediately demanded that the U.S. pull out of the U.N. before any more damage is done to the economy. (Argus Hamilton)CANADAWhat’s the reason Canada’s penny will be taken out of circulation next year instead of by November as originally planned? a) Retailers said it would kill holiday sales; or b) CFL players said it would kill Grey Cup bonuses. (RJ Currie)A Canadian man from Ontario accidentally shot himself in the forehead while trying to kill a mouse with the butt of his rifle. (Chad Picasner)MEXICOThe newly-elected Mexican President Felipe de Jesus Calderon Hinojosa has vowed to work hand-in-hand with Americans to quell increasing violence along our mutual border. For it's part, the U.S. has agreed to limit gun sales to Mexico by the Justice Department and to destroy all remaining prints of 'The Three Amigos'. (Bob Mills)GREAT BRITAINA British member of Parliament says Kate Middleton may be pregnant, and if she is it would be good for the British economy. So finally someone has figured out what the Royal Family does to earn their keep. They reproduce. (Jim Barach)Police in Devon, England, are looking for a transit passenger who caused $316 damage to a leather seat by eating part of it. This puts a whole new spin on bus fare. (RJ Currie)What's with Brits calling Roger Bannister 'Sir?' In Canada our best runners are called 'wanted' or 'at large. (RJ Currie)AFRICAAn Ebola outbreak has prompted the president of Uganda to urge the people in the east African country to avoid physical contact including kissing and handshakes. In a related story, Bill Clinton has canceled a planned trip to Uganda. (Gary Bachman)Here's a gruesome story; a Nigerian man was beaten to death by five of his wives. The five wives attacked the man and killed him while he was having sex with the sixth, his youngest wife. Police said he died doing what he loved most - the youngest one. I don't know who this Nigerian guy is, but I hope it's that stupid prince that keeps emailing me asking me for money. (Jay Leno)THE MIDDLE EASTMilitary forces of the Syrian government have stepped up their attempts to regain control of rebel-held areas in war-torn Aleppo using massive attacks of artillery, ground forces and airborne assaults on rebel forces by heavily- armed helicopter gunships. Asked for her reaction, Michelle Bachman told reporters that she hopes the dog food factory is spared. (Bob Mills)THE FAR EASTEmbarrassed officials in Beijing recently admitted that eighteen Chinese cops were dispatched to save a drowning swimmer in the Yangtze who turned out to be an inflatable plastic sex toy. The Taiwanese manufacturer filed a lawsuit alleging "undue adverse publicity causing loss of sales." The case was thrown out for lack of evidence. Three of the cops are engaged to Exhibit A. (Bob Mills)A Chinese man claims he had his penis stolen by thieves while he slept. At least he had nothing valuable taken–just junk. (Gary Bachman)INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENTA blackout left 300 million people in India without power today. No wonder I couldn't get any tech support. (Gary Bachman)India suffered power blackouts Tuesday that left three hundred million Americans without tech support. It was chaos. India's government issued a statement urging Americans to turn the computer off for five minutes, turn it back on, and see if that works. (Argus Hamilton)A power outage in India has left half of that country without power. Ironically, someone from the power company had to call the U.S. for tech support. (Tim Hunter)
- WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-12-12AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONETOP QUOTES OF THE WEEKI wouldn't say one man seems to be dominating Summer Olympics coverage, but NBC now stands for Nothing But Costas. (Brad Dickson)The Boy Scouts of American has announced that they will continue to enforce their policy of banning opening gay boys from being scouts and openly gay adults from taking leadership positions in the organization. Between this and same sex marriage, people really don't want gay people tying knots. (Jimmy Kimmel)NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars. (Abbe Nelson)Within minutes of landing on Mars, the NASA rover Curiosity ran over a cat and killed it. (Terry Etter)Scientists have discovered that bats usually eat flies that are having sex. Who knew it was so dangerous to fly united? (RJ Currie)No news about Jerry Sandusky since he went to jail. He must be happy. Unless you are in solitary, the prisoners all shower together. (TC Chong)Michael Phelps girlfriend has been revealed. That's a couple that needs to be using multiple methods of contraception because you know his sperm are going to be very good swimmers. (Steve Yeich)South African gold medalist Cameron Van Der Burgh admitted to cheating in the 100-meter breaststroke by kicking more than allowed at the start. That's dirty pool. (RJ Currie)President Obama accused Mitt Romney Monday of pushing a tax plan that robs from the middle class to give to the rich. He called it Romney Hood. Until now Romney Hood was where the dog ends up on the family station wagon when he falls off the Romney Roof. (Argus Hamilton)DC Comics has made the Green Lantern gay. The superhero now fights against his arch nemesis. Chick Fil-A. (Alan Ray)THE OLYMPICSTHE GAMESThe U. S. is leading China in both number of gold medals and number of total medals. In response, China said that's nice but we still have all your money. (Conan O'Brien)All these world records in swimming. Wow. Of course, after Ryan Lochte's comments about what he does in the pool, maybe all the athletes have an extra motivation to get out of the water as soon as possible. (Janice Hough)Is London really the right venue for beach volleyball? Nothing says beach volleyball more than a cold, rainy day in east London. (Craig Ferguson)Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender. (Craig Ferguson)THE ATHLETESThe Olympics end this weekend. Why does the tower of Big Ben remind folks of Michael Phelps' Olympic village room? "It goes bong, bong, bong." (Alan Ray)Michael Phelps says he's has left the pool forever. BONG! The clock strikes 12. HOOKAH blame him? (TC Chong)Michael Phelps has expressed an interest in horse racing. Makes sense. Both he and thoroughbreds love grass. (Gary Bachman)Olympic gymnast Gabby Douglas became America's darling Friday when she won the gold medal. She spun in the air, twirled and flipped twice and landed squarely on her feet. President Obama called her and asked if she would be his new press secretary. (Argus Hamilton)The Olympics continue in London. By winning gold, the U. S. women's gymnastic team has really sent a message. "Moms, now will you please stop controlling us?" (Alan Ray)It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet. (Conan O'Brien)A German Olympic diver did one of the worst dives ever and got a score of 0.0. He tried to save face halfway through the dive. He yelled "cannon ball." (Conan O'Brien)In Olympic equestrian competition, Queen Elizabeth II's granddaughter won silver. I'm a little suspicious of favoritism because she didn't use a horse. (Brad Dickson)Any truth to the rumor that Men's trampoline gold medalist, Dong Dong, will be dating US Indoor volleyball opposite attacker, Destinee Hooker? (Based on comment by 'Rich' to Janice Hough)Is there a better name for a shot putter than Dylan Armstrong? (RJ Currie)South African gold medallist Cameron van der Burgh admitted to cheating in the 100-metre breaststroke by kicking more than allowed at the start. That's dirty pool. (RJ Currie)It was not a good Olympics for the USA men's boxing team in London. Our 184-pounder was TKO'd by Camilla Parker-Bowles. (Brad Dickson)NBCNBC trying to get us to embrace the pain of their Olympic coverage - retitling the broadcasts "Fifty Shades of Delay." (Janice Hough)NBC Sports chairman Mark Lazarus defended his decision to broadcast the Olympics to the U. S. on tape delay. He said it was a profit-driven decision for the company and shareholders. Beyond that he would only reveal that Bruce Jenner just won the decathlon. (Argus Hamilton)THE CONTRAVERSIESOlympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker. (Conan O'Brien)Defending Olympic gold-medal champion race walker Alex Schwazer was kicked out of the London Games for blood doping. Cheating race-walkers? What's next? Quick, someone set up testing for the Professional Bowlers tour. (Janice Hough)At a press conference after being expelled from the Olympics for blood doping, racewalker Alex Schwazer cried and said he was actually happy he'd been caught, saying he wasn't "made to deceive people", and "couldn't take it anymore." Hmm, what Alex's next move, running for office? (Janice Hough)An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, "What are we fighting for, man?" (Conan O'Brien)Claiming that he had "inadvertently ingested food that contained marijuana," American judoka athlete Nicholas Deipopolo was thrown out of the London Games after a positive drug test. On an even more positive note, before departing London, he snagged a bronze in the hop, skip and jump bail. (Bob Mills)There were Chinese badminton players that got disqualified for throwing matches at the Olympics. That's sad. It ruins things for so many people, now whenever I beat my badminton opponent at a picnic I'll always be wondering if he let me win. (Steve Yeich)There were also badminton players from Indonesia and South Korea that were disqualified. The official accusation was "conducting oneself in a manner that is clearly abusive or detrimental to the sport." And for a sport that nobody watches except every 4 years in the Olympics or in the backyard at a picnic there's not a lot of wiggle room. (Steve Yeich)Almost eight years after the 2004 Olympics, the IOC is apparently going to strip Tyler Hamilton of his cycling gold medal for doping., and give it to Russia's Ekimov. "Wow, fast investigative work," said administrators at Penn State. (Janice Hough)OTHERAs of Thursday, Canada's only gold medal came from Rosie MacLennan on the trampoline. For the rest of the team, the Olympics has been up and down. ((RJ Currie)I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court. (Craig Ferguson)A former U. S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer. (Conan O'Brien)Today is gymnastics at the Olympics. I used to think gymnastics wasn't a real sport, just an excuse to wear a leotard. But I've learned something. I do not need an excuse to wear a leotard. (Craig Ferguson)Anyone else who used to watch Jackie Gleason reruns think that synchronized swimming is basically the June Taylor dancers going to Sea World? (Janice Hough)Everyone’s got Olympic fever. Fred Willard wasn’t watching porn, he was practicing for the pole vault. (Bill Williams)CURIOSITYThe first photos are being sent back by the Mars rover Curiosity. Talk about ubiquitous. In one, you can see Bob Costas reporting on the Olympics. (Brad Dickson)The NASA rover Curiosity successfully touched down on Mars. It was followed by two Tim Tebow passes. (RJ Currie)The Mars rover Curiosity has reached the red planet. In keeping with the Olympic gymnastics spirit, NASA officials said it stuck the landing. (Brad Dickson)Mars Rover is starting to send back pictures. After studying photos taken by the robot, scientists saying that mars resembles California. Both have large mountains, little water, and the possibility of hidden aliens. (Conan O'Brien)The Mars rover has landed. Scientists don't think it'll discover intelligent life. Just gun laws that allow mental health patients to buy guns. (Alan Ray)The digital photos and meteorological data being transmitted to earth from the Mars rover Curiosity has NASA staffers in a state of extraterrestrial euphoria. They had a party last night that went well past ten and reports are the Tang was flowing like water. (Bob Mills)NASA scientists celebrated after landing the Mars Curiosity rover on Mars Sunday. It wasn't long before the rover proved that there is life on Mars. They forgot to lock the rover when it landed and the next morning they discovered the CD player had been stolen. (Argus Hamilton)The world will be watching as the Mars Rover Curiosity attempts to learn if life could have survived on the planet. Not that we'll know the answer right away. NASA says that it takes 14 minutes for pictures sent from the rover to arrive back in Houston. That's because they hired scientists from the Post Office to handle communications. (Bob Mills)CHICK-FIL-ATo discourage lesbianism, Chick-fil-A no longer allows female customers to order breasts or thighs. (Joan Rivers)What better way to stand up and say, "I oppose gay people's right to get married," than to head down to a Chick-Fil-A, grab a hold of two buttery buns, split 'em open and gobble down some of that hot greasy cock? (Jon Stewart)This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria. (Conan O'Brien)The Chick-Fil-A controversy has pitted brother against lower cholesterol brother. It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries. (Stephen Colbert)MITT ROMNEYCAMPAIGN PROMISES"It's individuals and their entrepreneurship which have driven America. What America is not a collective where we all work in a kibbutz or we all in some little entity, instead it's individuals pursuing their dreams." (Mitt Romney, 08/07/12) Well, I'll give Mitt credit. At least he waited until he got back from Israel to really insult them. (Paul Benoit)To Romney, Real Americans are the financiers and the entrepreneurs who invest their money, and not the working man who must earn his wages from hard labor. Thus, it is truly American to close factories in the US and ship the jobs to China and India, if this will maximize profit. (Stan Kegel)Mitt Romney is claiming he'll create 12 million jobs in his first term. However, Romney hasn't said whether he'll create those jobs in China or India. (Conan O'Brien)The exact words from a Mitt Romney campaign stop speech in Des Moines, Iowa: "People who receive payments from the government are going to be required to do work, not as a punitive measure but as a gift. Work is enhancing, work is elevating". For a shorter German version of "Work is enhancing, work is elevating", Google "Arbeit Mach Frei" (Jerry W.)If Mitt really wants to get the Jewish vote, he should tell them that if he’s elected president he won’t have time to continue doing unrequested retroactive Baptisms for their dead ancestors. (Gary Bachman)V. P. CHOICEAnn Romney had tweeted Thursday that "in just a few short hours one lucky supporter will win the remarkable opportunity to meet Mitt and his VP pick in person." Leading to speculation the choice will be announced today. But hey, maybe a "few" hours is like a "few" million, different for the Romneys than for most people. (Janice Hough)Why is no one pushing for Mitt to select Meg Whittman to be his running mate? As a woman she can draw votes like Sarah Palin did for John McCain, and Mitt can draw from her vast experience in buying elections and dealing with horses. (Jerry W.)An exhaustive manhunt that took months and spanned the country came to a dramatic end today as a less interesting person than Mitt Romney turned up in Wisconsin. This man is in fact the least interesting person in America," one Guinness official said, adding that Mr. Romney himself had held that title since 1947. The man of the hour laid out his vision of America, saying that billions of dollars could be saved by eliminating food, clothing, and shelter. For his part, Mr. Romney sounded a theme for the fall campaign: "It's time to transform America, and the two of us are both Transformers." (Andy Borowitz)THE OLYMPICS & WORLD TOURThe Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold. (Conan O'Brien)Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya. (Conan O'Brien)Did Mitt and Ann fly home from London with Rafalca strapped to the wing of their private jet? (Marc Ragovin)Mitt Romney’s goodwill tour stumbled in Great Britain. That’s not the tough one. Like training for the Olympic hurdles and tripping over the curb. (Will Durst)FINANCES & TAX RETURNSInterviewer: Let’s frame the issue around your tax returns in a slightly different way. If you’re an investor and you’re looking at a company, and that company says that its great strength is wise management and fiscal know-how, wouldn’t you want to see the previous, say, five years’ worth of its financials? Mitt Romney: I’m not a business. (Bloomberg/Business Week)Back on the domestic front, Mitt Romney still refuses to release his tax returns, but says that Harry Reid should reveal the source for his accusations. In other words, only the little people need to give out information. (Janice Hough)Romney: Don't call my tax plan #RomneyHood. Sure, it taxes the poor to give breaks to the rich, but it's an investment in rich people. (#RomneyHood)John McCain vetted 23 years of Mitt Romney’s tax returns and came to the decision that Sarah Palin was more qualified. Just saying. (Will Durst)Isn't it funny that the only person to see Romney's taxes - McCain - isn't calling Reid a liar. (#RomneyHood)I gave Sen. McCain 23 years of tax returns, and he picked Palin. Says it all. (#RomneyHood)Have to love all this GOP condemnation of Harry Reid's accusations about Mitt Romney's taxes. Where were they when Donald Trump was making accusations about Barack Obama's birth certificate? (Janice Hough)#RomneyHood where you do away with $1,000 child tax credit to give a $77,000 tax break on a horse to someone worth $250,000,000. (#RomneyHood)#RomneyHood is where you can be 65 yrs old & have $100 million in an IRA that only allows you to contribute $6,000 a year. (#RomneyHood)ROMNEYCAREFormer steelworker blames Romney and the private equity firm he co-founded, Bain Capital, for shutting down his plant. The worker, Joe Soptic, says the closure resulted in his family losing health insurance and consequently his wife's death from cancer: "To that point, if people had been in Massachusetts, under Gov. Romney's health care plan, they would have had health care." (Romney campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul when asked about the criticism on Fox News)Anyone who donates to Mitt Romney, and I mean the big donors, ought to call Mitt Romney and say if Andrea Saul isn't fired and off the campaign tomorrow, they are not giving another dime because it is not worth fighting for this man if this is the kind of spokesman he has. There is no point in us going to a convention and pushing for this man if he's employing morons like this. (Ann Coulter)Andrea Saul's appearance on Fox was a potential gold mine for Obama supporters. They can say, "Romneycare was the basis for our health care." (Rush Limbaugh)ENDORSEMENTSMitt Romney picked up the presidential endorsement of porn star Jenna Jameson this week. Just because she's a porn star doesn't mean there's nothing in Romney's record that she can appreciate. He did spend two years in Paris in the position of missionary. (Argus Hamilton)Ex-porn star Jenna Jameson is endorsing Mitt Romney for president. I think that's appropriate. After all, they both support obscene business practices. (Nancy Jo Perdue)Hollywood porn movie star Jenna Jameson threw a wrench into the presidential race Friday by endorsing Mitt Romney. In some ways they're like two peas in a pod. Jenna Jameson is the only Republican in history who has taken more positions than Mitt Romney." (Argus Hamilton)OTHERHuffington Post claimed Mitt Romney's Bain Capital was funded by people connected to El Salvadoran death squads thirty years ago. That was a nasty crew. After working with them awhile, Mitt Romney understandably felt that firing people was the middle way. (Argus Hamilton)Mitt Romney is on the campaign trail. His problem is connecting to blue collar workers. "Like you, I work hard to put chateaubriand on the table." (Alan Ray)Mitt Romney went grocery shopping in New Hampshire Tuesday. He really inspires others. By the time he left the store, the cashiers decertified their union, the butchers took over the produce department and the store manager was refusing to release his tax return. (Argus Hamilton)PRESIDENT OBAMASo the GOP is running a misleading ad saying Obama will let welfare recipients get away without working, when the administration has just implemented a strict waiver program that gives states more flexibility with the rules for things like job training. The waiver originally was pushed by Republicans, including, surprise, Mitt Romney. So besides the debates with Obama, this fall will we get to see Mitt Romney debate himself? (Janice Hough)THE REPUBLICANSGOP nominee for the Texas Senate Ted Cruz told reporters he'll be happy to work with Democrats, Republicans and even Martians if necessary. "Voters are taking him too literally. He just meant he'll sit down with anyone," said Cruz campaign spokesperson R2D2. (Bob Mills)THE CONGRESSHouse Republicans voted to extend the tax cuts to all, over Democrats who just want to tax the rich. Neither plan will get by the Senate. NFL coaches order their offensive linemen to read the Congressional Record every morning to improve their blocking skills. (Argus Hamilton)THE MILITARYThe top commander at Lackland Air Force Base was relieved of his duties over a sex scandal where allegedly "dozens" of female recruits were sexually assaulted or harassed by their male instructors. Proving once again the dangers of allowing heterosexuals in the military. (Janice Hough)LOCAL NEWSMayor Bloomberg is saying now that he has banned large sodas in New York City, his next target is going to be alcohol. Once that's out of the way he'll start his crusade against the laughter of children. (Conan O'Brien)Mayor Mike Bloomberg came under fire Thursday for pushing breast feeding in New York baby wards. He's waged war on candy, fatty foods, cigarettes, colas and baby formula. Whenever he campaigns with Barack Obama they're billed as the Nanny and the Professor. (Argus Hamilton)Long Island's Tam O'Shanter Country Club was busted for using strippers to dance at tee boxes and hiring prostitutes to work in the clubhouse. The course is completely hidden behind trees. When Tiger Woods designs a golf course, he leaves nothing to chance. (Argus Hamilton)A 29-year-old woman who reportedly walks topless around New York City says she's fighting for equality. I'm thinking the campaign is a bust. (RJ Currie)Retaining its reputation as one of the most health-conscious cities in the nation, San Francisco has banned smoking (except medical marijuana) at all public outdoor events. Next, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors has promised to address the increasing dangers of second-hand fog. (Bob Mills)A charter school in Louisiana is requiring girls to take a pregnancy test. It’s the one test where the odds of passing are definitely higher for those pulling an all-nighter. (Jim Barach)A Delaware doctor was arrested for waterboarding his 11 year-old daughter. The waterboarding not only was an effective disciplinary tool, but the daughter also gave up the location of al-Qaeda 's #2 leader. (Gary Bachman)Doctors removed a spider hiding in a woman's ear canal. The spider crawled into her ear while she was at home sleeping. The woman needs to hire an exterminator. Hopefully someone will put a bug in her ear. (Gary Bachman)THE ECONOMYThe number of S&P 500 companies paying dividends to shareholders is the highest in the past decade. Apparently they needed something to do with all the money they aren’t having to pay out in salaries since they laid off all their employees. (Jim Barach)BUSINESS & LABORThe Chevron oil refinery fire will apparently spike gas prices all over the West coast. That's okay, because when Chevron makes record profits they pass those on too by lowering the rates for consumers.... Oops, wait, never mind. (Janice Hough)The iPhone 5 is set for a September 15 launch. Technology gurus predict a faster speed. And that's just the user's driving. (Alan Ray)Denny's in Las Vegas will open a wedding chapel in the restaurant. It'll feature all the traditional symbols of a ceremony. The "something old" will be meat from the kitchen. (Alan Ray)A man who ordered a television off of Amazon was shocked because Amazon instead sent him a rifle. Which means somewhere a hunter is trying to kill a deer by making it watch "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." (Conan O'Brien)TRANSPORTATIONA poll says the TSA is more popular than Congress. But then so are bunions, telemarketers and the Kardashians. (Jim Barach)SECURITYSix people have been charged in smuggling cocaine and heroin inside pastries and chocolates. They were charged with importing dangerous substances. They also face charges for the cocaine and heroin. (Jim Barach)CANADACanada has just revamped its antiquated liquor laws by allowing wine to be brought across provincial boundaries for personal use. What's happening with the wine flowing across the US/Canada border, asks the US Women's Soccer Team? (TC Chong)GREAT BRITAINFirefighters had to rescue a man in Dorset, England, after underpants he was drying in a microwave burst into flame. Considering what was on fire, it's a wonder anyone believed him, (RJ Currie)EUROPEUkrainian feminists staged a topless protest in London near the Olympics. No man in the audience knew or really cared why they were their but they did support their right to protest. (Steve Yeich)THE FAR EASTThe Mirror reports a sex doll tied to a tree is helping to slow motorists at an intersection in Ningbo, China. I wonder if it's a red-light district? (RJ Currie)Do affluent Koreans say "Oh no, not Fido Mignon again!" (TC Chong)Details surrounding North Korea's Supreme leader Kim Jong Un's recent wedding are filtering out to the West. According to tradition, the bride wore something old (signed photo of Gen. MacArthur), something new (signed photo of Margaret Cho), something borrowed(crown belonging to Queen Latifa), and something blue (Smurf lashed to her garter belt). (Bob Mills)HEALTHThe hair loss drug Propecia is being linked to severe depression in men. Especially the ones who get their hair back and still can’t get any dates. (Jim Barach)WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENTChevron's oil refinery caught fire near San Francisco, sending gas prices in California back over four dollars a gallon Wednesday. It's even worse in Los Angeles. The other day Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens were seen carrying their cars down Sunset Boulevard. (Argus Hamilton)SPORTSPENN STATEPenn State trustees are appealing sanctions, saying the NCAA did not give them "due process when it did not follow its usual investigation and enforcement procedures." Uh, what about the investigation and enforcement procedures for all the boys raped by Sandusky? (Janice Hough)BASKETBALLDwight Howard to the Lakers. Well, this looks either like an NBA championship team, or one of the biggest ego-driven train wrecks in sports history. (Janice Hough)BASEBALLIf the S.F. Giants' Barry Zito had pitched any better tonight, NBC would have had to tape-delay him. (Janice Hough)Ozzie Guillen recently called Bryce Harper unprofessional. Not to be outdone, Charlie Sheen said Harper is a drunk, Terrell Owens called him selfish and Paris Hilton said he's stupid. (RJ Currie)FOOTBALLCincinnati coach Marvin Lewis imposed a ban on his players using Twitter. Good luck with that. It's probably the only Bengal behavior that can't be arrested. (RJ Currie)New Orleans Saints Jonathon Vilma is suing the NFL for defamation of character. He's lucky Chris Berman isn't calling him Jonathon Vilma Flintstone. (TC Chong)Last night, Saints' lineman Sendrick Ellis tackled Arizona QB Kevin Kolb and knocked him out of the game. In previous years, Ellis would have received a $10,000 bonus for the hit. After the game ended yesterday, Ellis instead found a "Bounty" chocolate bar in his locker. (TC Chong)Shannon Eastin will this week become the first woman to be part of an NFL officiating crew. She will work the preseason game between the Green Bay Packers and San Diego Chargers. Good thing Brett Favre has retired, could be distracting for her to referee the game AND ignore his texts. (Janice Hough)NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Thursday the NFL will begin using more female referees. This will progress just like women news anchors did. They'll start out earnest and competent, but in ten years it'll look like the NFL merged with the Lingerie Football League. (Argus Hamilton)UCLA football coach Jim Mora was bragging about his school, saying there are no murders within a block of the campus. O.J. Simpson’s Brentwood house was 2 1/2 blocks from UCLA. (Jim Barach)Terrell Owens has signed a deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe this is finally God's payback for Pete Carroll getting off scot-free when he left USC. (Janice Hough)On Terrell signing with the Seahawks: Nothing says NFL ready like being cut from an arena football team. (Alex Schubert)Look for the NFL jerseys to be sporting small ad patches this season. Cash strapped and recently signed Seahawk WR Terrell Owens is already wearing a patch that says, ‘This space for rent’. (TC Chong)The Cowboys have apparently talked to Plaxico Burress's agent about signing the free-agent wide receiver. Could be a good fit - Dallas has a strong quarterback, a winning tradition, and loose gun laws. (Janice Hough)GOLFJohn Daly hit a golf ball out of Golf Channel host David Feherty's mouth. For some PGA players, it's not the first time Feherty's mouth was the source of a lie. (RJ Currie)OTHER SPORTSAccording to Wikipedia, a regulation shuttlecock is made from 16 or so overlapping feathers, usually goose or duck and from the left wing only. Wikipedia does not say why only left-wing feathers are used, or whether this causes the geese and ducks to fly in counterclockwise circles. (Dave Barry)A New York 16-year-old was crowned the top texter in the United States for the second year running at the National Texting Competition. Austin Wierschke was the big winner. The competitors faced off in three rounds -- texting while blindfolded, texting with their hands behind their backs and a Text Blitz round requiring them to speedily copy phrases. The teenager won a $50,000 prize. (Rich Hancock)ATHLETESDennis Rodman reportedly met his father after a 42-year estrangement. It took a few minutes, but finally dad recognized his long-lost daughter. (RJ Currie)ENTERTAINMENTThere is a big Hollywood movie opening -- "Total Recall." It's a remake of the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. The new movie doesn't have Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's got Colin Farrell. I don't think Colin Farrell is a good replacement -- because he can act. Colin Farrell's character is a spy, and his wife is an assassin who's trying to kill him. That must be why they didn't bring back Arnold Schwarzenegger. He could never relate to a character whose wife wants to kill him. (Craig Ferguson) (Craig Ferguson)The movie "The Lorax" is out on DVD today. Danny DeVito is the title character. It's an oddly shaped hairy creature that resembles a small walrus. So is the Lorax. (Craig Ferguson)ENTERTAINERSRandy Travis was arrested for DUI after crashing his car. Officials said he was "naked, combative," and threatened police officers. "Drunk, naked, nasty and busted." Well, Travis is in a lot of trouble, but he's got some great starter lyrics for his next song. (Janice Hough)There's a feud going on between Elton John and Madonna. Yesterday Elton John said Madonna looks like a fairground stripper. I don't know about you but I hate to see two gay men fighting. (Conan O'Brien)Former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is on the move again; he was seen with a 25-year-old woman this weekend. Do you realize he has kids he doesn'
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