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Weakly Humerus News 07-28-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-28-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Sally Ride flew in orbit and very Soon she was a good planetary Ambass dor for
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-28-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Sally Ride flew in orbit and very
      Soon she was a good planetary
      Ambass'dor for NASA
      A very sharp lass...uh
      But partner she never could marry
      (Gary Hallock)

      Unlike Sherlock Holmes, Mitt Romney prefers to hide his brilliant deductions. (Paul Benoit)

      If Disney were to sponsor IndyCar driver Dario Franchitti, would his accidents be called Franchitti-Chitti-Bang-Bangs? (RJ Currie)  

      Regarding that Penn State statue of Joe Paterno, if/when they bring it back can they install it upside down with JoePa's head buried in the sand? (Janice Hough)

      The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash. (David Letterman)

      Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics. (Conan O'Brien)

      A study says that one in three U.S. births are unintended. Which means there are fewer accidents that get treated in the ER than in the Maternity Ward. (Jim Barach)

      Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don't know what's bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn't already have gay marriage. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress. (Jay Leno)

      Does Nick Saban have X's and O's for everything? The Crimson Tide football coach employed two blockers to keep media out of the restroom while he did his business at SEC Media Days. (Dwight Perry)

      The San Francisco Board of Supervisors moved to ban smoking at all public outdoors events except for medical marijuana. It's the new law. Second-hand tobacco smoke is classified as a health hazard while second-hand marijuana smoke is classified as hospitality. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Japanese study holds out promise that stem cells from liposuction fat could be used to increase women's breast size without the use of implants. Today, Congress called for a 30% increase in funding for stem cell research. (Cybergal/Wacky Wits)

      A Chinese man claims he had his penis stolen by thieves while he slept. At least he had nothing valuable taken–just junk. (Gary Bachman)

      THE OLYMPICS 

      The Olympics begin. The games symbolize world peace, understanding, and cooperation. Security will be tight because quite a few countries really don’t like each other. (Alan Ray)

      It leaked out that the London Olympics opening ceremony is going to include a showdown between Voldemort and Mary Poppins. (Conan O'Brien)

      The opening ceremonies will feature the parade of athletes from 107 bankrupt nations. (David Letterman)

      The uniforms American athletes will wear at the upcoming Olympics are being criticized for "looking too European" and for being made in China. Well, we sure don't want is the Olympics becoming too international. (Tim Hunter)

      How about those Olympic uniforms? They're made by Ralph Lauren and they're beautiful. They're colorful, they're odd. I mean they look like the cast of 'Glee.' They look like the entire navy of Monaco. (David Letterman)

      The Olympics begin this weekend. Britain’s Queen Elizabeth will use a vacation day to attend the opening ceremony. After that, she’ll have 364 left. (Alan Ray)

      Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good. (Conan O'Brien)

      U.S. Olympic beach volleyballer Kerri Walsh says she finds their bikinis empowering. So I'm not the only one. (RJ Currie)  

      This year's Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of Buzzkillistan. (Conan O'Brien)

      Due to the cool rainy weather in London, beach volleyball players will likey swap out their bikinis for long sleeves and leggings.  In an unrelated developement, NBC announced it's reducing scheduled beach volleyball coverage from 26 hours to 43 seconds. (Brad Dickson)

      London organizers accidentally played the South Korean national anthem for the North Korean women's soccer team. It's times like this I really miss Sarah Palin. (Janice Hough)

      Lots of stories emerging about the rampant sex at the Olympic village. Duh. World's biggest coed dorm filled with the greatest bodies in the world with a ton of booze sponsors giving out free drinks. There is going to be more sex than on a priests and alter boy's camping trip. (Alex Kaseberg) 

      Are the underwater cameras at Olympic swimming events considered in-depth coverage? (RJ Currie)

      Am overseas, but in the San Francisco Chronicle online the men's 400 meter individual medley results were hidden all day under "spoiler alert." Okay, the event is over in London, but it happened in the afternoon in San Francisco, and the only reason it's a "spoiler" is that NBC has their head so far up their "peacock" that they are waiting to show it until primetime. (Janice Hough)

      The International Judo Federation says a Saudi woman who is in the Olympic Judo competition will not be able to wear a head scarf. Officials claim it could be dangerous. Unlike taking on another Judo expert in a fight competition. (Jim Barach)

      At London Olympic Games, bettors can place wagers on everything from it raining every day to UFO sightings. But the real longshot bet is whether NBC will show any meaningful event live. (Janice Hough)

      In London during the Olympic games, bettors can places wagers on everything from it raining every day, to from UFO sightings, to London's Mayor catching his hair on fire with the torch. But the real longshot bet - that NBC will show any meaningful event live to Americans in prime time. (Janice Hough)

      Those Brits will bet on anything. London Mayor Boris Johnson got his shaggy locks trimmed this week, and bookmaker William Hill immediately reduced its odds — of the Olympic torch setting Johnson's hair afire during Friday's opening ceremony -- from 66-1 to 100-1. (Dwight Perry)

      If you're betting on the Olympics, double down on Japanese gymnast Kohei Uchimura who has won three consecutive world championships and in 2009 and 2011 copped firsts in four of the six disciplines: floor exercise, pommel horse, rings, vault, parallel bars and horizontal bar.  With a gold in London, he'll be considered the greatest gymnast who ever lived.  And if that weren't enough, his friends say his sushi is to die for. (Bob Mills)

      In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family. (Jay Leno)

      I've been pushing my luck and jumping to conclusions for years, all wasted time as the Olympic Organizing Commitee still will not recognize them as real sporting events. Synchronized ribbon twirling? Well sure, that's an Olympic level test of skill for mankind. (Jerry W.) 

      The Spice Girls are reuniting to perform at the closing ceremony of the Olympics. Yup, that should get everyone to leave! (Frank King)

      Bloody shame that baseball has been dropped from this year's Olympics: Otherwise Chicago Cubs would have had a great chance to win as the world's best amateur team. (Janice Hough)

      PENN STATE

      THE STATUE

      The Joe Paterno statue was 12 years old. Probably a good thing they got it out of there before Jerry Sandusky got his hands on it.

      But wouldnt it have been better to just face the statue towards the wall, so Paterno can forever turn his back on everything?

      The Joe Paterno statue was taken away. As usual, no one at Penn State witnessed the event.

      BREAKING: The NCAA says Penn State must put the Joe Paterno statue in locker room showers

      Oh let's take down the statue and try and cover like nothing happened

      BREAKING: Mitt Romney announces Joe Paterno statue as running mate.

      I'm trying to ignore this whole Joe Paterno statue controversy and just look the other way. I call this approach the "Joe Paterno"

      If you're upset about the Paterno statue coming down, just do what he did: tell your boss once and never mention it again

      New statues will have Mcquery with hands over eyes, Joe with hands over ears, Spanier with hands over mouth.

      Just in: NCAA and University agree that the last 14 years didn't happen. Revoke diplomas!

      Some call it just a statue but that statue came just as close to stopping Sandusky as JoPa did.

      I believe #PennState should've kept the #PaternoStatue up and just put a blindfold on it.

      I guess just turning it to "look the other way" has been proven to be ineffective.

      It's not really happening. #PaternoStatue Just close your eyes.

      Take the #PaternoStatue over to the beach and place it upside down with the head in the sand.
      (All from Twitter…#PaternoStatue. Compiled by Pail Benoit)

      MORE

      Among the penalties for Penn State--nullifying all wins since 1998. 111 of them, as they never happened. Seems like "as if it never really happened" is a theme at that school. (Tim Hunter)

      Due to the sanctions, the last Penn State QB to lead the team to a winning record was Mike McQueary. (FARK)

      Just a bit unclear on the concept?  Former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz on the Penn State sanctions: "You’re talking about ruining the lives of people.” (Janice Hough)

      The Joe Paterno statue has been taken down at Penn State. One angry supporter said "I think it was an act of cowardice on the part of the university." Uh, following upon a whole lot of slightly more cowardly acts. (Janice Hough)

      A "Good Morning America/ABC News" story on the Penn State scandal and sanctions stated "Perhaps paying the highest price and feeling most victimized are former players." Uh, I think I can think of some boys and men who might feel more victimized than that. (Janice Hough)

      NCAA President Mark Emmert in announcing Penn State sanctions: "Football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people." Wow. And he said it with a straight face. (Janice Hough)

      Perhaps the punishment should be that all the university leaders get fondled and molested by Jerry Sandusky. (Steve Moyer)

      Penn State penalties are supposed to show that no college football program is above the 'law'. And one of the first casualties for the Nittany Lions is the possibility the team's leading rusher will end up at USC -- in the Trojans' first year, after sanctions made them bowl ineligible.''(Janice Hough)

      ROMNEY IN LONDON

      Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure. Yeah, but not presidential. (Jay Leno)

      It's hard to know just how well [the 2012 London Olympics] will turn out. There are a few things that were disconcerting. The stories about the private security firm not having enough people, the supposed strike of the immigration and customs officials, that obviously is not something which is encouraging. (Mitt Romney)

      Romney is going to be in London for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and he plans to take his tax returns and drop them into the torch. (David Letterman)

      The trip was meant to make him look presidential. it made him look like Mr. Bean, (The Guardian)

      Mitt Romney is perhaps the only politician who could start a trip that was supposed to be a charm offensive by being utterly devoid of charm and mildly offensive (The Telegraph)

      Serious dismay in Whitehall at Romney debut. 'Worse than Sarah Palin.' 'Total car crash'. Two of the kinder verdicts. (James Chapman/Daily Mail)

      We are holding an Olympic Games in one of the busiest, most active, bustling cities anywhere in the world. Of course it's easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of nowhere, (Prime Minister David Cameron referring to the 2002 Winter Olympics Romney ran in Salt Lake Ciy, Utah)

      I hear there's a guy called Mitt Romney who wants to know whether we're ready. Are we ready? (London's Mayor)

      We have not been at war with Britain since 1812. Well done, Mitt! (Andy Borowitz)

      Seriously, some Americans just shouldn't leave the country. (Carl Lewis, nine-times Olympic gold medal winner)

      Alfie Langlan, owner of the popular Earl's Boot pub, in Central London, summed up Mr. Romney's performance this way: "Mitt Romney is coming across as an out-of-touch rich person in a country that still has a Queen." (Andy Borowitz) 

      Mitt Romney is in London. They said get your campaign plane, get your family, you don't know anything about foreign policy, strap your dog to the roof of the plane. He arrived in England, got off the plane, and proudly proclaimed 'Ich bin ein Londoner.' … When Romney arrived at the hotel he was greeted by his money. (David Letterman)

      Mitt Romney is leaving the U.S. this week to visit England, Israel, Poland and his money. (Paul Seaburn)

      Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it's going to be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Bet Romney wouldn't be so fond of our #AngloSaxonHeritage if he knew the UK's stance on gun control, healthcare, and the Republican Party. (#AngloSaxonHeritage)

      It's a good thing Mitt understands our shared Anglo-Saxon heritage and values our Special Relationship. Otherwise, he might have said something recklessly insulting to the people of Britain. (Paul Benoit)

      Mitt Romney is now doing a 180 on his negative comments about the Olympics. On the bright side if he keeps this up Mitt may have one of those multiple somersault platform dives named after him. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney arrives in London to discuss his #AngloSaxonHeritage and how serfdom might work in 21st century America. (#AngloSaxonHeritage)

      All Romney has to do, say nothing. It's like a guy in the 100-meter dash. All he has to do is to finish, he doesn't have to win. And instead, he tackles the guy in the lane next to him and ends up disqualified. I don't get it. (Charles Krauthammer)

      THE COLORADO MASSACRE

      What a country -- where mass shootings always produce spikes in public outrage, public hand-wringing and NRA memberships. (Mark Russell)

      The manager of a Colorado gun range turned the Aurora shooter down for membership because he seemed too weird and "creepy." Maybe someone should hire that guy for the next task force deciding how to authorize gun purchases. (Janice Hough)

      The more that comes out on this idiot psycho, James Holmes, the more hated he becomes. And he started out at killing-12-wounding-52 kind of hated. Turns out Holmes went on a sex site for indiscriminate sex and got turned down. That's like being told by the guy handing out free cocktail wieners at Costco you're too fat to have one. (Alex Kaseberg)

      And as far as deadly weapons, some compare guns to cars. And yes, cars can kill people. But to drive one in the U.S. you need an exam and a license. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney on the Colorado shooter, telling NBC why stricter gun laws wouldn't help: "This person shouldn't have had any kind of weapons and bombs and other devices and it was illegal for him to have many of those things already. But he had them." Uh, maybe Mitt should learn what the laws are before he changes his positions on them. (Janice Hough)

      Trying to be fair, when pro-gun types imagine armed citizens at the Batman premiere in Aurora, they think ex-military or very highly trained civilians. Whereas those of us who don't like guns think more like Plaxico Burress or George Zimmerman. (Janice Hough)

      A Southern California man was unhappy when a "Batman, The Dark Knight Rises" showing didn't start on time, so he stood up and yelled "I should go off like in Colorado. Does anybody have a gun?" Whatever charges they bring against him should certainly include felony stupidity. (Janice Hough)

      You're telling me that to discuss the epidemic of gun violence in this country, for that, there is a waiting period. Yeah, I guess you'd hate to go into a conversation about guns all hot-headed and say something impulsive you'll never be able to take back. (Jon Stewart)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      According to a new survey, 55% of voters believe President Obama's policies are making government bigger and more expensive.  The other 45% said they were too busy filling out forms and applications for social services to pay attention. (Steve Yeich)

      The Obama campaign spent more money in June than it took in. Every businessman will tell you, you can't run a campaign like that. Apparently, you can run a government like that, but not a campaign. (Jay Leno)

      The apartment that President Obama used to live in when he was a college student in New York is now up for rent for $2,400 a month. Coincidentally, Obama was only there for one four-year term. (Jay Leno)

      MITT ROMNEY

      Mitt Romney is so Mormon that if he's elected, the 'First Lady' will be known as the 'First Wife'. (Paul Benoit)

      Here's an election update. Today Mitt Romney met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners. Or as Romney calls them, 'The Juan Percent'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney's next foreign policy stop is Israel, where his fundraisers will be closed to the press. What, so the media doesn't catch him talking about looking forward to a good kosher bacon cheeseburger? (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues. As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney wants to save the soul of America, so he doesn't have to baptize us after we're dead. (Paul Benoit)

      Mitt Romney's Mormon great-grandparents loved our "Anglo-Saxon heritage" so much, they fled to Mexico so they could continue practicing polygamy. (Paul Benoit)

      Mitt Romney addressed a Veterans of Foreign Wars convention in Reno Tuesday and discussed U.S. foreign policy. During the Vietnam War, Mitt was serving as a Mormon missionary to France. He may not have seen combat but he had the dangerous task of asking Frenchmen to adopt a religion that doesn't any allow drinking or sleeping around. (Argus Hamilton)

      In 2012 I realized the company (Bain Capital) I was CEO of in 1999 did things that would hurt my presidential run in the present, so I retroactively wasn’t there. I was just the guy with the smoke screenish, yet still legal title of CEO and Managing Director who was paid at least $100,000 a year to do what, according to me, Mitt Romney, was nothing. That’s the kind of common sense business experience I hope to bring to the White House. (Jon Stewart on Mitt Romney) 

      Mitt Romney sat on the board of a company called LifeLike. Seriously? Board member or prototype? (Will Durst)

      So, you're saying thet we should be more like the country that gave us King George, and you're saying this to an audience that calls themselves the Tea Party? Wholly crap, Mitt, YOU are the weakest link! (Paul Benoit)

      Mitt Romney is calling for an outside investigation into a leak at the White House. If Mitt Romney has to pay for the outside investigation into a possible leak at the White House, it could take awhile, especially if he depends on his own way of doing things. That means the plumbers would have to travel here from India. (Nancy Jo Perdue) 

      Mitt Romney has been attacking President Obama for supposed security leaks. So he goes to England and blabs about a secret meeting with M16? (Janice Hough)

      Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis. (Jimmy Fallon)

      There's talk that Mitt Romney's campaign is paying for Twitter followers. Yes, he's paying for people to like him. Or, as it's called politics. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. But until then he said he'll just think about pancakes. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Michelle Bachmann was ripped by GOP colleagues for accusing Hillary Clinton's aide Huma of having secret ties to the Muslim Brotherhood. It's just not true. For crying out loud, the girl is married to Anthony Weiner, she doesn't even have secret ties to her husband. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      The DNC changed the name of President Obama's convention speech site in Raleigh from Bank of America Stadium to Panther Field. This didn't go unanswered. Bank of America swiftly decided to charge the Democratic Party a thirty-dollar account-closing fee. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE CAMPAIGNS

      I read that one of the presidential will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: "Are you the only two choices?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      ADMINISTRATION

      The General Services Administration is being blasted for spending $20K for drumsticks at a lavish performance awards ceremony for its employees. Twenty grand for drumsticks is outlandish unless they once belonged to Keith Moon. (Gary Bachman)

      THE COURTS

      A judge has ruled that Katherine Jackson, Michael’s mother, will no longer have custody of Michael’s kids because of bad decisions. Not only that, but they took down her statue from the Neverland Ranch. (Jay Leno)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A strip club in Tampa, Florida is now preparing for the Republican convention by hiring a stripper who looks like Sarah Palin. A Sarah Palin look-alike - that's for the guys. For the Republican women, they've got a Chippendale dancer that looks like John McCain. Not quite as hot. (Jay Leno)

      To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, 'take off top, shake breasts, swing around pole. (Jay Leno)

      Apparently this Sarah Palin look-alike comes on stage dressed as a nurse, and then right when she's about to take the whole nurse's outfit off, she has to stop because she can't perform under Obamacare. (Jay Leno)

      The big story here in Los Angeles, of course, the L.A. City Council has just voted to ban medical marijuana sales at all 790 dispensaries. You know this means? Some people may have to resort to smoking non-medical marijuana. Good luck finding that! (Jay Leno)

      Faced with spiraling casualty counts resulting from ever-escalating gang warfare, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel has sought gang control advice from Crips and Bloods-savvy Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa.  Nice idea maybe, but isn't that a tad like Penn State asking the pope for advice on how to prevent child sex abuse? (Bob Mills)

      Four New York City beach goers were stuck with hypodermic needles that were in the sand. The response from the city was to charge them all with a co-pay. (Jim Barach)

      A pair of Las Vegas men said they are offering curbside nuptials from the back of their Las Vegas Wedding Wagon van for only $99. The men, who became ordained to perform weddings on the Internet, said they decided to get a piece of the 7,000 to 9,000 weddings held each month in Las Vegas and chose to take the business mobile. They charge $99 for a 10-minute wedding. (Rich Hancock)

      A young female bear who wandered into a Pittsburgh, PA mall, and was found wandering around a Sears. Sears' new slogan? 'The place to shop for the bear necessities'? (Janice Hough)

      The Associated Press reports Utah wildlife officials are concerned for the safety of a man dressed as a goat in a herd of goats. I kid you not. (RJ Currie)  

      A building superintendent at a New Jersey apartment complex stumbled upon one of the NYPD’s biggest secrets: a safe house, a place where undercover officers could lie low and coordinate surveillance outside their jurisdiction. The officers were spying on New York City residents transporting large sodas across state lines. (Gary Bachman) 

      In New Haven, Connecticut two goats and 25 chickens were found living in an apartment.  The owners had originally bought them for their Farmville farm on Facebook but when they found out it wasn't real they had to keep them. (Steve Yeich)

      THE ECONOMY

      A report says the cost of the deficit ceiling fight was $1.3 Billion. So, basically our government spent more than a billion dollars arguing about how much more of our money they were going to spend that they didn’t have in the first place. (Jim Barach)

      The poverty rate is now at its highest since the 1960s. It's gotten so bad that Mitt Romney's butler let his butler go. (Conan O'Brien)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      McDonalds is making Happy Meals healthier. Kids will now have a few more options. Burger King and Wendy’s. (Alan Ray)

      Chick-fil-A made a public stance recently against gay marriage.  Interestingly, in that theme, their original name was Fil-A-Chick. (Steve Yeich)

      The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie. (Jay Leno)

      Sony Corporation projected robust profits Thursday, reversing losses in its TV business to South Korean companies over the last few years. Everyone's excited because Sony has a new TV set that's equipped with radar. It buzzes if you're approaching a reality show. (Argus Hamilton)

      The USDA has ordered Cargill Meats to recall nearly 30,000 pounds of ground beef because of possible salmonella poisoning. Eat Mor Chikin. Moo! (Frank King)

      TRANSPORTATION

      The staff at Virgin Australia has been ordered to stop calling passengers “mate”. Apparently too many American fliers are taking that as an invitation to join the Mile High Club. (Jim Barach)

      NASA & SPACE

      Another sad story. Sally Ride, 61, the first female astronaut, died today of pancreatic cancer. I had a "Major Matt Mason" astronaut action figure as a kid in the late 1960s. We couldn't imagine you could have a female version. (Janice Hough)

      After astronaut Sally Ride died, we found out that she was a lesbian. Since her death, she’s also become a Mormon. (Terry Etter)

      Astronauts coming back to Earth say that space smells like seared steak, raspberries and rum. In other words, it’s like a second rate restaurant. Decent food, no atmosphere. (Jim Barach)

      NASA is set to land the six-wheeled Curiosity rover on Mars next week. The rover has an arm with a drill and a pick and a laser gun that vaporizes large rocks. The NCAA just bought one so they can destroy coaches' statues before they become an embarrassment. (Argus Hamilton)

      UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURT

      A U.N. commission is calling for the legalization of prostitution worldwide. If nothing else, it would save the Secret Service from a lot of bad publicity. (Jim Barach)

      CANADA

      Canada was rated in a new survey Friday as more prosperous than the United States, and the average Canadian is now richer than the average American. We've done it. Four years ago we were the World's Only Superpower and today we are Canada's Mexicans. (Argus Hamilton)

      A report says Canada is approaching a record number of UFO sightings this year, averaging about three every day. That proves Canada’s universal health care system works. Apparently everyone there has access to all the drugs they want. (Jim Barach)

      A Canadian man from Ontario accidentally shot himself in the forehead while trying to kill a mouse with the butt of his rifle. The man didn't know the gun was loaded. (Rich Hancock)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      A Scottish brewery has released Never Mind the Anabolics, a beer with eight illegal, performance-enhancing ingredients and high alcohol content. Or as a Detroit Lion calls it, a real time-saver. (RJ Currie)   

      A slice of toast from Prince Charles’s breakfast on the morning of his wedding to Princess Diana was sold at an auction for $500. What I found interesting is the piece of toast had the face of Camilla on it. (Bill Littlejohn)

      EUROPE

      Germany has opened a new hotline that lets people call in and yell curse words at strangers on the other end. We have something similar in America. It's called Time Warner customer service. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Over 100 brides in Belgrade donned wedding dresses and running shoes in a race for a free wedding. Free? Call me a bitter divorcé, but when you get married, there's always a price to pay. (RJ Currie)

      THE FAR EAST

      Chinese authorities have arrested 10,000 people in an Internet crime crackdown. The arrested are charged with gun sales, showing porn and selling personal information. Or as we call that in America, “search engines”. (Jim Barach)

      A South Korean man claims his dog gave birth to a kitten. Scientists are skeptical that one species could give birth to another. However, it has happened before. Charlie Sheen’s mother gave birth to a jackass. (Gary Bachman)

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS

      A local council in Auckland, New Zealand, is reporting that prostitutes have destroyed some 40 traffic signs in the past 18 months by using them to perform pole dances. The damage has cost taxpayers dearly, said city council member Donna Lee, and is caused by streetwalkers using the poles to advertise their wares to passing motorists. "The poles are part of their soliciting equipment, and they often snap them," said Lee. "Some of the prostitutes are big, strong people." (Gaby Ford)

      HEALTH

      Health care companies are sending nursing jobs overseas, especially for assessing patients’ needs and determining treatment. In other words, it’s gotten to the point where we are even outsourcing our death panels. (Jim Barach)

      Researchers in Zurich say the less grey matter you have, the more likely you are to be selfish. Finally, an explanation for Terrell Owens. (RJ Currie)

      A report shows smoking marijuana can help eliminate diarrhea. It's true. The finding was called significant by doctors and a win-win by Taco Bell. (Conan O'Brien)

      Blood vessels made out of liposuction fat can help patients with clogged arteries. Ironically, the arteries could be made from the same fat that clogged the patient’s arteries to begin with. (Jim Barach)

      A report says 1 in 3 adults has some hearing loss. Researchers claim 80 percent of unwanted noise emanates from the same source. A Daughtry concert. (Alan Ray)

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