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Weakly Humerus News 07-21-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-21-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Email from a conservative blogger to Putlizer prize winning journalist Connie
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 22, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-21-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Email from a conservative blogger to Putlizer prize winning journalist Connie Shultz on July 9, 2012. 
      Dear Ms. Shultz, We are doing an expose on journalists in the elite media who socialize with elected officials they are assigned to cover. We have found numerous photos of you with Sen. Sherrod Brown. In one of them, you appear to be hugging him. Care to comment?
      Response on July 10, 2012:
      Dear Mr. [Name Deleted]: I am surprised you did not find a photo of me kissing U.S. Sen. Sherrod Brown so hard he passes out from lack of oxygen. He's really cute. He's also my husband. You know that, right? (Connie Shultz)  

      The most fearsome defensive unit on the Penn State campus is now the students guarding the Joe Paterno statue. (Dwight Perry)

      Mitt Romney's First Tweet as President: Repealed #Obamacare, replaced with #Romneycare. Didn't even have to sign anything! (Zackpunk)

      Rush Limbaugh is claiming "Batman, the Dark Knight Rises" is part of a liberal media conspiracy against Romney because the villain is named "Bane." "Bane" was created in 1993. Guess that Obama really thinks ahead. (Janice Hough)

      Romney's surrogate, John Sununu, he's in hot water for saying, "I wish President Obama would learn how to be an American." Well, that's kind of insulting, isn't it? President Obama spends money he doesn't have. He loves to skip work and play golf. He sneaks away from his wife to eat fatty foods. What is more American than that? (Jay Leno)

      It's jarring when a guy who pioneered outsourcing to China and said "Let Detroit Go Bankrupt" says Obama doesn't want America to succeed. (The Daily Edge)

      In an interview with CBS, President Obama said the biggest mistake of his first term was not telling a story to give Americans a sense of unity. In response, Americans were like, 'Yeah, fixing the economy would've been cool too. (Jimmy Fallon)  

      Mitt Romney is saying that Obama ads about his time at Bain "beneath the dignity of the president and his campaign." Guess he thinks such ads should be left to "nonprofit" Super PACS? (Janice Hough)           

      In an attempt to generate more revenue, NBA jerseys will feature small ad patches next season. This will open the doors to The Chicago Red Bulls, Orlando Magic Kingdom, Denver McNuggets, LA Frosted Flakers & Sacramento Burger Kings. Personally. I’d like to see The Houston Rocket Scientists. (TC Chong)

      Olympic officials will reportedly provide more than 150,000 condoms to athletes at no cost during the London 2012 Olympic Games. The USA Men’s Basketball team asked, "What are condoms?" (Gary Bachman)

      Lady Gaga is promoting her new perfume, Fame. If it's anything like Gaga, it won't use common scents. (RJ Currie)  

      Michael Vick is unveiling his own clothing line, It’ll be the first to include bite pads on the arms. (Bill Littlejohn)

      US women's soccer goalie, Hope Solo, said there is a lot of sex in the Olympic Village. Solo also implied she sneaked Vince Vaughn in her room and they had sex. For a great goalie, Solo sure lets a lot of balls go in between her legs. (Alex Kaseberg)  

      JP Morgan says their trading blunder has now cost them $4-billlion. They keep this up and they could become a city in California. (Tim Hunter)  

      A friend told me Fred Willard, Paul Reubens (pee wee) and George Michael (the singer from WHAM) are getting together to do a re-boot of the old sit com 'Different Strokes', and will be directed by Louis CK. Maybe that friend was just pulling my . . .eh, leg? (Jerry W.)

      A new study claims that for the first time ever, Canadians are wealthier than Americans. We are their Mexico now, it turns out. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A new study found that Facebook games can cause kids to develop gambling problems. That is not good, no. You'd hate to see a kid's gambling addiction get in the way of their Facebook addiction. (Jimmy Fallon)

      #RETROACTIVE RETIREMENT 

      In 2012 I realized the company I was CEO of in 1999 did things that would hurt my presidential run in the present, so I retroactively wasn't there." (Jon Stewart, mocking Mitt Romney's "retroactive retirement" from Bain Capital

      I was just the guy with the smoke screenish, yet still legal title of CEO and Managing Director who was paid at least $100,000 a year to do what, according to me, Mitt Romney, was nothing. That's the kind of common sense business experience I hope to bring to the White House." (Jon Stewart)

      As #Retroactive retirement now becomes part of the controversy over when exactly Mitt Romney left Bain, some GOP leaders have to be thinking "Wait a minute, John McCain was supposed to be the candidate with the memory problem." (Janice Hough)

      These are the facts:  Mitt Romney left Bain to take over the Olympics, One of the Olympic events was long distance outsourcing. (Mark Russell)

      What Romney Taught Me: You can "retroactively retire," keep your figure salary, and accuse others of wanting Free Stuff! (Can Day)

      Mitt Romney's Mass. state financial disclosure forms indicate he earned at least $100,000/year as a Bain executive in 2001 and 2002, separate from investment earnings. $100K salary a year, and he says he didn't do a thing at Bain from Feb. 1999 on. except Job Creator for his own dang self! (Paul Benoit)

      Greatest diet plan ever: Eat less and exercise retroactively, and you can hit your target weight today! (Author Unknown)

      Obama v. Romney will be the choice between #Forward and #Retroactive. (Paul Benoit)

      Report: Romney Has Made V.P. Pick, Announcement Could Come As Early As Last April. (Author Unknown)

      Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It's Romney's inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government's tax code largesse, that's a little offensive to people, especially considering Romney's view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don't know, food and medicine. (Jon Stewart)

      I guess retroactive retirement makes sense to people who baptize the dead. (Author Unknown)

      Romney retroactively fires lawyer who testified in 2002 he was still working at Bain: "As of today, he hasn't been my lawyer since 1987"(Author Unknown)

      In a new effort to settle nagging questions about his finances, Republican Presidential pick Mitt Romney today told reporters that his dog ate his tax returns and also served as C. E.O. of Bain Capital from 1999 to 2002. PETA questioned the G. O.P. candidate's latest version of events, " This shaggy-dog story represents Mitt Romney's latest act of animal cruelty." Minutes after PETA's response, Mr. Romney released an amended statement, saying that Seamus Romney had served as C. E.O. of Bain "posthumously. (Andy Borowitz)"

      NCAA SANCTIONS

      The NCAA handed out the most hallow sanctions in its history last week when it declared that, for using 30 ineligible athletes in 12 sports, California Institute of Technology would have to, among other penalties, forfeit a season's worth of victories. This includes .he basketball team's 310-game conference losing streak that ended last season: The baseball team will vacate all wins during a period in which it went 0-112. The men's water polo team will vacate every win achieved while going 0-66. (Dwight Perry

      Caltech is the school that couldn't succeed at sports if it cheated. (Bill Plaschke)

      What was Cal Tech's heinous crime? Tech students are allowed to sign-up for classes they do not wish to continue. Many Tech students will sign up and attend classes carrying 21 or more units. They have a 3 week grace period to drop a class without penalty. A student might drop 6 or more units and still have a full class load of 15 units for the rest of the semester. Since they were in classes they could drop, to the NCAA they were technically not yet enrolled in those classes. They were, thus, ineligible to play in NCAA sports during the first 3 weeks of the semester. Other sanctions include forfeiture all games won in the past 4 years where an 'ineligible' student played, elimination of all off-campus recruiting, a $5,000 fine, three year probation, and public censure. So far Penn State has received no penalties from the NCAA. (Stan Kegel) 

      MITT ROMNEY

      Some conservatives love to say how almost 50 percent of Americans pay no federal income tax. And at least in 2009 that number might have included a certain Presidential candidate. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney thinks his tax returns should be private, yet he thinks women's privates are everyone's business. (Paul Benoit)

      Ann Romney on ABC News: "we've given all you people need to know" about the family's finances. Guess this is her version of "Only the little people release tax returns." (Janice Hough)

      From my friend Michael Hayne "Maybe Romney's tax returns are on the roof of his car." Personally I'm thinking maybe they were on the roof, but the dog ate them. (Janice Hough)

      "During a fundraiser a country club in Mississippi, Mitt Romney said the GOP is a party focused on helping the poor. See, his wife Ann is right, he is funny. He can makes jokes." (Conan O'Brien)

      If Mitt Romney had a generator rotor attached to his body it would mean an end to America’s oil import dependency. A computer study shows his rapid flip flops could generate enough electricity to power the city of Las Vegas and execute every death row prisoner in America, twice. (Jerry W.)

       Ann Romney says her husband hasn't decided yet on a running mate. Actually it's more likely that he's decided, then decided again, and is still thinking of changing his mind. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney is close to announcing his running mate. Apparently Romney wants a female with a strong stage presence and the free time to campaign. So I'm guessing Steven Tyler. (Craig Ferguson)

      There’s speculation that Condoleezza Rice could be picked as Mitt Romney’s running mate. Makes sense. As former Secretary of State she’ll make sure we have good relations with all the countries where Romney has his money. (Gary Bachman)

      Have you heard this? They're saying Condoleezza Rice is on the top of the vice presidential list for Mitt Romney. Many Republicans think they compliment each other: Romney has experience with American jobs, Condi has experience with foreign countries, and since all American jobs are in foreign countries, they would be the perfect team. (Conan O'Brien)

      Romney’s idea of Condoleezza Rice as his running mate was dismissed by Tea Party members. They said if Romney died after being elected, there would not only be another black president, but a blacker and female one. Then they put on their long white robes and officially started their meeting. (Jerry W.)

      Well, maybe they figured Pawlenty was one of the few people who could make Romney look like "Mr. Excitement." (Janice Hough)

      2008 G.O.P. nominee John McCain, who said that he passed on Mr. Romney as his V.P. pick because Alaska governor Sarah Palin was a 'better candidate'. Today, Senator McCain attempted to explain his remark: "Romney had all his money hidden in Switzerland. Sarah Palin was better because she had never heard of Switzerland." (Andy Borowitz)

      Sarah Palin would be a perfect running mate for Romney. She can't answer basic questions, and he's got two answers for every question! (Paul Benoit)

      What isn't a mystery is why he isn't releasing more of his tax returns now. It's only fair to assume that Mitt is doing what he always does: acting on the basis of a careful cost-benefit analysis. [George] Will's comments on this were spot on: 'The cost of not releasing the returns are clear,' he said. 'Therefore, [Romney] must have calculated that there are higher costs in releasing them.'" (John Cassidy)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Joe Biden announced that he is confident that Obama can win by running on his record. Typically, he messed up the sentence and altered some words. What he meant to say was, "he can only win if he runs away from his record." (Steve Yeich)

      John Sununu said Obama should learn how to be an American. Apparently, Mr. Sununu doesn’t realize Honolulu is a mite more American than Havana. (Will Durst)

      John Sununu, a top surrogate to Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign, told reporters, "I wish this President would learn how to be an American." Yes, nothing says American more than Romney’s investments in foreign tax havens and offshore accounts. (Gary Bachman)

      At first the White House told us not to read too much into the recent bad jobs report. Now they are saying it's a vast right wing conspiracy and finally it will be Bush's fault. (Steve Yeich)

      Yesterday in Cincinnati, Jerry Springer announced that he is endorsing Obama. Don't get too excited. Obama still has to win over Judge Judy and Maury. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Yesterday in Cincinnati, President Barack Obama had a meeting with Jerry Springer. He is trying to win the vote of husbands who cheat on their wives with men. That's a big demographic. (Craig Ferguson)

      Jerry Springer hosted a lunch for President Obama in Cincinnati Monday when the president campaigned in Ohio. Getting Springer's endorsement was a huge coup for Barack Obama. He has now locked up the votes of people who practice incest in trailer parks. (Argus Hamilton)

      During last night's USA-Brazil basketball game, President Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. That's cute. It explains why everyone was like, "Quick, put him on the fix the economy cam!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      The Sarasota Republican party has named Donald Trump its statesman of the year. If there's one word I'd think of to describe Trump, it's 'statesman-like.' And if there were four words, they would be 'not at all statesman-like.'"(Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn't been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it's all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, "You're not invited." (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE CAMPAIGNS

      Many expect Tim Pawlenty to be Mitt Romney's choice for V.P. Can you imagine the TV ratings for a Biden-Pawlenty debate? I would be excellent therapy for anyone with insomnia. It would put everyone to sleep. (Stan Kegel)

      A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. Well, it makes sense, because if Romney wins, it's definitely going to be thanks to the one percent. (Jimmy Fallon)

      "In his new campaign ad, President Obama asks, 'What is Mitt Romney hiding?' My guess: a personality." (Conan O'Brien)

      ADMINISTRATION

      The Obama administration has reportedly told Syrian rebels they can't help them until after the election. So at least they're consistent. That's the same thing they're telling us. "Can't help you until after the election." (Jay Leno)

      The United States postal service is about to default on $5.5 billion. They made the payment but the check got lost in the mail. (Conan O'Brien)

      THE CONGRESS

      Well, Harry Reid and other members of Congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as Congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing. (Jay Leno)

      The big news in Washington now is the disappearance of Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. Nobody can find him. He's completely disappeared. People think he's either in rehab or he might have been given his own show on CNN. (Jay Leno)

      THE COURTS

      Supreme Court judge Antonin Scalia said tonight about "Bush v. Gore," (the 2000 presidential election), "That comes up all the time, and my usual response is 'get over it.'" So will he say the same thing about the Romney-Obamacare decision? (Janice Hough)

      THE MILITARY

      The U. S. Defense Department is making a special allowance for the San Diego Gay Pride parade, allowing service members for the first time to march in such an event in uniform. One word: "Fabulous." (Alan Ray)

      THE STATES

      The California legislation is considering a bill which would make California the first state to allow children to have more than two legal parents. i.e., have more than two fathers and/or mothers simultaneously. Major support for the bill is coming from the gay community and the Mormon Church. (Stan Kegel)

      California is so broke that San Francisco has a cover charge and two-drink minimum to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. (Jay Leno)

      California is so broke that Mexico fixed the hole in the fence to keep us from crawling back in again. (Jay Leno)

      California is so broke that I saw a going-out-of-business sign at a meth lab. (Jay Leno)

      A new poll found that 54 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track under President Obama. While the rest of Florida's voters still think Teddy Roosevelt is president. (Jimmy Fallon)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A three-year-old California boy slept 72 hours after accidentally eating his grandmother's cannabis cookies. Now there's a grannie I want to visit for potluck supper. (RJ Currie)  

      Philadelphia now makes it a crime to give a homeless person food outdoors. I suppose people in Phillie now will be required to bring proof of residency before they can share food at a picnic in a public park. (Stan Kegel)

       A 3-year-old Indiana boy apparently accidentally shot and killed his father after finding the man's loaded handgun. Stand by for the NRA's announcement: "Guns don't kill people, toddlers kill people." (Janice Hough)

      For the second year in a row, New York City students have improved their reading scores. Unfortunately, now they can read how low their math scores are. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A Pennsylvania mom hacked into a school’s computer system to change the grades of her children. Apparently she was making up for not having enough time to help them with their homework. (Jim Barach)

      USA Today reported that Cocoa Beach hotels are enjoying big business by converting to nudist resorts. A luxury liner will launch a nudist cruise from Port Canaveral Friday. The comedian who works this cruise ship can get laughs just by turning up the house lights. (Argus Hamilton)

      Huge increase in the amount of stingray attacks in Southern California. A stingray is a slimy bottom feeder who attacks without warning. They are the politicians of the sea. (Alex Kaseberg)

      This week, officials in Connecticut found two goats and 25 chickens living in an apartment. It was really confusing because only the goats were on the lease. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A man barricaded himself in a hotel in Belmont, North Carolina. He threatened to shoot police and one of his demands was that he wanted to marry Paris Hilton. So, I guess it is true; the criminal does try to punish himself. (Janice Hough)

      U.S. POLITICS & POLITICIANS

      Who says there's no bi-partisan agreement in this country? Some Republicans are saying that Sarah Palin should have a major speaking role at the GOP convention this year. And most Democrats agree with them. (Janice Hough)

      Former U. S. Congressman Anthony Wiener who gained notoriety sex-texting gals candid snap shots of his package and lost his seat after denying that he has a 'say cheese' fetish when it comes to his junk, has announced that he'll run for Mayor of New York. You laugh, but he's already corralled some very high-paying financial supporters: Fruit-of-the-Loom and Haines men's briefs and Rawlings 'Sling Shot' Athletic Straps. (Bob Mills)

      Anthony Weiner said Monday he is planning a run for New York Mayor. He resigned Congress after he got busted texting nude photos of himself to women. He's applied to be a greeter at WalMart but they don't want to hire someone who's that happy to see you. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ECONOMY

      Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee the economic recovery is weakening. But the good news is most Americans will not be affected because they had no idea there was a recovery. (Jay Leno)

      A survey says that millionaires are upbeat about the state of the economy. Except the millionaires who used to be billionaires before the market crashed. (Jim Barach)

      Jobless claims rose again by 35,000 last week. Not good. But it does show that if you're unsuccessful in this country, you didn't do it on your own. You had help. Thank you, President Obama. (Jay Leno)

      Over the past five years the value of the Canadian household has risen above the American household. I think most of that came from Justin Bieber and he belongs to us now. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      According to a new report, the average Canadian is now richer than the average American. This is bad news for Americans and worse news for those Mexicans who now have to tunnel all the way to Canada. (Conan O'Brien)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Chick-fil-A has a very conservative view when it comes to what constitutes "marriage" but a very liberal stance on what constitutes 'food'. (Paul Benoit)

       When asked about his company's support for anti-gay Christian organizations, Chick-fil-A Pres. Dan Cathy responded "Well, guilty as charged. We are very much supportive of the family -- the biblical definition of the family unit. Wonder if that includes polygamy, marrying your sister in law, slaves, etc... (Janice Hough)

      Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate." (Conan O'Brien)

      A group of Burger King employees have been fired for taking a photo of themselves with their feet in the restaurant's lettuce. A spokesman for Burger King says, "Great, there goes our secret recipe." (Conan O'Brien)

      Convenience store 7/11 has celebrated its 85th birthday. Despite minor architectural changes, some icons in each facility have remained the same for decades. Those hot dogs in the warmer. (Alan Ray)

      Today 7-Eleven stores in Singapore debuted a new food dispenser, an instant mashed potato dispenser. This means the Indonesians are pulling ahead of us in the cholesterol race. This is serious. We may have to raise our threat level to defcon bacon. (Craig Ferguson)


      TRANSPORTATION

      A report found the worst airline for lost luggage is United Airlines. To which Air Canada officials said: "We demand a recount!" (Cam Hutchenson)

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