Weakly Humerus News 06-09-12
- WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-09-12AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONETOP QUOTES OF THE WEEKDrew Barrymore has gotten married for the third time. Her first marriage lasted two months, the next five months. If she can make this one last five months that will be a cumulative first anniversary. (Jim Barach)Israeli scientists say they have developed a cannabis plant without the high, for people who want to use medical marijuana and not get stoned. That's like developing Viagra that makes you just want to be friends. (Jim Barach)If Ray Bradbury had written Fahrenheit 451 today would the bad guys be trying to try to steal Kindle chargers? (Janice Hough)SEC is not in favor of national-title game that features non-SEC teams (Sports Pickle)Actress Tara Reid, 36, is reportedly dating 60-year-old diamond merchant Fawaz Gruosi. Which family jewels do you think she's interested in? (RJ Currie)The LA Kings lead the series in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Sadly, most people in Los Angeles think 'changing lines on the fly' is something you do with cocaine on flights To Vegas. (Jerry Perisho)Yesterday there was a spectacular occurrence that won't happen again until 2117. And besides the Cubs beating the Brewers 10-0, Venus went in front of the Sun. (Alex Kaseberg)You know DC comics? Turns out the Green Lantern is gay. It's funny that the Green Lantern is the character that is gay and yet Spider-Man has the Broadway musical. Wow, talk about irony! (David Letterman)Joe Biden’s daughter Ashley was married yesterday. Dad should be finishing up his toast to the happy couple any time now. (Janice Hough)Michelle Obama applauded New York's proposed ban on large sugary drinks. It's got the city in turmoil. Last night the police let a guy go for having less than twenty-five grams of marijuana on him but arrested him for having more than sixteen ounces of Pepsi. (Argus Hamilton)Some posh New York City hotels are raising bees for their own honey and to help pollinate surrounding areas. It is being called the biggest hotel sting ever that didn't include Eliot Spitzer. (Jim Barach)By an 8-to-4 vote, the Wilmington, Delaware, City Council recognized the personhood of semen, because "each 'egg person' and each 'sperm person' should be deemed equal in the eyes of the government." (Hannah Levintova)The Bedford-Stuyvesant Preparatory High School in New York is giving away condoms to students going to the school's prom. Seems the "Preparatory" means they are preparing them for jobs in the Secret Service. (Bill Williams)QUEEN ELIZABETHThe Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebration continues tonight with a gala concert featuring Elton John. He thinks he's still next in line to be queen. (Wendel Potter)Britain's Prince Philip missed the Queen's Diamond Jubilee concert while hospitalized with a bladder infection. At the hospital, he is secretly registered under the name The Royal Formerly Known as Prince Philip. (Jerry Perisho)England celebrates 60 years of rule by Queen Elizabeth. She is still haunted by the sounds of one of Britain's darkest hours. "Charles, do you take Camilla to be your lawfully wedding wife?" (Alan Ray)Elton John says he will perform 'I'm Still Standing for Queen Elizabeth II at the Royal Jubilee. He says he will also play a special song for Prince Charles who has been waiting in line for the throne for 60 years, 'I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues'. (Jim Barach)Queen Elizabeth was cheered in London for her Diamond Jubilee Friday. Sixty years ago she reigned over a quarter of the globe and now it's down to an island. This explains why Queen Elizabeth's portrait is on every share of Facebook stock issued since last week. (Argus Hamilton)Queen Elizabeth enjoyed huge crowds at her Diamond Jubilee celebrations over the weekend including two million Americans. The color is spectacular. Queen Elizabeth would be America's queen today but British soldiers insisted on wearing red in the woods. (Argus Hamilton)Britain's famed parliament clock tower Big Ben is set to be renamed the Elizabeth Tower in honor of the queen's diamond jubilee. Every half hour the minute hand will do a little wave. (Gary Bachman)Believed to be the Thames most spectacular event in over 350 years, an estimated one million rain-soaked Brits and tourists lined the banks of the storied river as Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee Pageant featured a flotilla of tugs, steam boats, kayaks, pontoon boats and pleasure cruisers including the Queen's royal barge. Afterward 10,000 people gathered at a Greenwich Street Party attended by Prince Charles and wife Camella. All toasted the Queen's 60 years throne-side by hoisting goblets of her favorite cocktail – a Bloody Mary Queen of Scots. (Bob Mills)For me, the highlight of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee was when she slipped off her panties and threw them at Tom Jones. Those things were huge! (Jerry Perisho)After weeks of queen talk, I spent hours watching the festival from London and then they never even once mentioned Freddie Mercury, much less exhumed his corpse, who probably would look more lifelike than Phillip. The real old queen actually was entertaining to watch, even if he didn’t have the nerve to sing “Candle in the wind” (Jerry W.)GOVERNOR WALKERI had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamed that I was a union member in Wisconsin who loved the Miami Heat. (Jay Leno)Scott Walker won a recall election in Wisconsin. Apparently voters were afraid of what happened in California when Gray Davis was kicked out and instead they got Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Jim Barach)Governor Scott Walker won his recall last night in Wisconsin. Who would have guessed the governor of Wisconsin would have been a better closer than LeBron James? (Jay Leno)Wisconsin governor Scott Walker defeated Democrats who tried to recall him over his pension reform laws Tuesday. It's out of hand. The voters were embarrassed that if you pick all seven numbers in the Powerball lottery you win a civil service job in Wisconsin. (Argus Hamilton)THE GREEN LANTERNHey, guess who's gay? Green Lantern. His superpower is decorating on a budget. Not only that, Green Lantern is hosting the Tony Awards Sunday. (David Letterman)The Green Lantern is coming out. The DC Comic Superhero is announcing that he is gay. Not surprising. For years, his nickname was 'the Fabulous Flashlight'! (Tim Hunter)"Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head." (David Letterman)The original Green Lantern is being reintroduced by DC Comics as a gay man. The Green Lantern derives his powers from a special ring. It figures the first gay superhero would have an affinity for jewelry. The Green Lantern will uphold the truth, fight for justice, and make the world more fabulous. (Gary Bachman)MITT ROMNEYA new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, "And they said I can't connect with the poor." (Jimmy Fallon)Mitt Romney likes to tell tells Americans of Mexican descent that he is one of them. After all, his grandfather lived in Mexico with his five wives. (Stan Kegel)Mitt Romney believes marriage has been between one man and one woman for 3,000 years. Except of course, for 110 years ago when his grandfather moved to Mexico to practice polygamy. Then it was one man and five women. (Will Durst)GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney is making a special appeal to Hispanic voters. He can relate to Hispanics; after all, the maintenance guy on his car elevator is one. (Jerry Perisho)Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible. (Jimmy Fallon)Mitt Romney gave away free t-shirts to GOP volunteers who made phone calls on his behalf Tuesday. They felt a little weird. It was the first time these volunteers have ever worn a short-sleeved cotton shirt without an alligator or a polo player over the left breast. (Argus Hamilton)Mitt Romney blasted President Obama over the low jobs number Friday and blamed the market crash on his policies. It was a trial run. Just in case Mitt Romney gets elected president he wants to get in the practice of blaming everything on the previous president. (Argus Hamilton)Mitt Romney put out a campaign iPhone app with Building a Better America scrolled across the screen. Unfortunately they misspelled America. It's the first evidence that Dan Quayle's on Romney's short list for vice president and is helping out with the proofreading. (Argus Hamilton)Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, "I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod." (Jimmy Fallon)It's being reported that Mitt Romney's personal Hotmail account has been hacked. Yeah, Hotmail. Even Ron Paul was like, "Get with it, you old geezer!" (Jimmy Fallon)Las Vegas hotel magnate Shelly Adelson vowed Friday to spend millions to help Mitt Romney get elected. The hospitality industry needs a boost. The economy is so bad in Las Vegas, the Bellagio Hotel has replaced the dancing waters with a fat guy holding a hose. (Argus Hamilton)PRESIDENT OBAMAAccording to astrologers, the stars are perfectly aligned for an Obama victory over Romney. When they say stars, they must be talking about George Clooney and Barbra Streisand. (Wendel Potter)President Obama said Friday he needs a second term in order to re-write his health care reform law if the Supreme Court strikes it down. It's only right. In America we're taught that everyone deserves a second chance whose first chance was ruled unconstitutional. (Argus Hamilton)There's a rumor that President Obama will stop by today's L.A. Kings hockey game. He doesn't want to draw attention to himself. He just wants to blend in with all the other black, Hawaiian hockey fans. - (Conan O'Brien)Obama gave Bon Jovi a ride to New York City on Air Force One. Makes sense. Bon Jovi’s living on a prayer, while Obama’s campaigning on one. (Jimmy Fallon)According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president. (Jay Leno)On Friday, President Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. It was nice -- he even went down to the basement and dusted off some old campaign promises. (Jimmy Fallon)That's right, Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago. Of course it got awkward when he left and his housekeeper was like, "So, see you after the election?" (Jimmy Fallon)Unemployment's still looking pretty bad. In fact, the White House has a new slogan on jobs creation -- "Hope and Change the Subject." (Jay Leno)The unemployment numbers are higher than President Obama was in high school. (Jay Leno)THE REPUBLICANSJeb Bush says that 2012 was "my time" to run for President. Of course, most people who know the Bush family and see what happened in the past few years say his time to run was in 2000. (Jim Barach)Jeb Bush said in an interview today that he probably should have run for president in 2012: "This was probably my time.,” Translation "These clowns in the primary made even my brother look smart by comparison." (Janice Hough)George W. Bush returned to the White House Thursday to enjoy the unveiling of his official portrait. It wasn't his first choice. The artist did two portraits and President Bush preferred the one showing him crouched behind a wagon firing at attacking Indians. (Argus Hamilton)THE DEMOCRATSFormer President Bill Clinton says he'd like George Clooney to play him, if his life is ever turned into a movie. That'll make casting Monica Lewinsky a lot easier. (Tim Hunter)Cherokee groups demanded that Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren drop her claim of Cherokee blood. It's awkward. She billed herself as Harvard's first woman professor of color and if she was any whiter she would be a sheet color in the Ku Klux Klan catalogue. (Argus Hamilton)Bill Clinton says he supports Obama and is "very sorry for this stirring up." He adds that he did not mean to undermine the President with his comments on tax cuts and Romney's business record. Gosh, who'd a thunk it? Bill not thinking about possible consequences of his actions. (Janice Hough)So John Edwards figured out a way to cheat on his dying wife, father a child with another woman, have campaign contributions pay for it and get away with it all. Isn't that the Triple Crown of sleaziness? (Tim Hunter)According to People magazine, Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards' love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. It's a memoir about their relationship. She didn't write it herself. She used a ghost skank. (Jay Leno)THE ADMINISTRATIONJoe Biden's daughter, Ashley, was married over the weekend. As a special gift to the newlyweds, the Vice President didn't give a speech. (Tim Hunter)THE CONGRESSSome House Democrats are introducing legislation to raise the minimum wage to $10 an hour. To which Nike factory operators are saying "You mean a year. That's $10 a year, right?" (Jim Barach)THE COURTSA poll says most people think the Supreme Court decision on health care reform will come down to the political and personal views of the justices. Apparently they figure if the court can crown a President, messing with everyone's health care is no big deal. (Jim Barach)Jury selection has begun in the trial of Jerry Sandusky. Lawyers for both sides say discovery was much like his youth camps at Penn State. Everyone got to see his briefs. (Alan Ray)In the latest installment of the second Roger Clemens perjury trial, a expert paid by the defense testified that Clemens' DNA found on a syringe needle could have been placed there intentionally. Here's the real question at this point. Is there anyone left in America who really cares anymore? (Janice Hough)THE STATESNew York is considering a law that would keep people out of jail if they were caught with small amounts of marijuana -- which explains why stoners are like, "It's a cop. Hide most of the weed." (Jimmy Fallon)New York governor Andrew Cuomo proposed legalizing pot on Tuesday. Supporters call for taxing pot like alcohol to raise much-needed tax revenues. Ten years from now anybody who stays sober will be accused by Democrats of not paying their fair share. (Argus Hamilton)Illinois state Rep. Kelly Cassidy proposed requiring would-be Viagra users to watch a video depicting the treatment for the side effect of persistent erections: "It's not a pretty procedure to watch." (Hannah Levintova)Got to love it. Once again, California voters voted to fine tune and tighten term limits. At the same time they voted overwhelmingly for their local incumbents, and for well-known term-limited politicians moving to different offices. (Janice Hough)The two largest counties in Florida have stopped purging voter names after a Department of Justice said it was illegal. In their defense, state officials said that with recent actions in Arizona, Florida had felt they needed to move fast to keep their "Craziest State in the Union" status. (Janice Hough)The crazy derby continues: In Arizona a super PAC supporting GOP candidate Jesse Kelly has an new ad featuring the candidate holding a gun. Kelly is running for Gabrielle Giffords' congressional seat. Your move, Florida. (Janice Hough)LOCAL NEWSI have decided to be different from everyone else in L. A. I refuse to become a Kardashian. (Nancy Jo Perdue)A Northern California woman used a stolen credit card at a Safeway. But she used her OWN Safeway Club card to get discounts. "Thank you very much," said the police who then arrested her at her home. (Janice Hough)In New York City we've got a guy named Michael Bloomberg who is the mayor. The only public official who has been in office longer than Mayor Bloomberg is Santa. (David Letterman)Thursday New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg banned large-sized sugary drinks. Friday he signed a proclamation marking the 75th annual National Donut Day. (Janice Hough)NYC's Mayor Michael Bloomberg proposes to ban the sale of sweetened beverages larger than 16 fluid ounces within the five boroughs, due to "an epidemic in this country of people being overweight, bordering on obesity." Next, working on proposal to ban life from NYC because "it kills people." (PBen News)New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg asked the New York health department to ban the sale of sugary drinks over sixteen ounces. He's serious. If the measure is passed the fine for selling an over-sized soft drink in New York City would be fifty dollars, the same as murder. (Argus Hamilton)A new gun range opening this summer in Lewisville, Texas, will have two rooms available for hosting children’s birthday parties. Probably not a good idea to blindfold the kids trying to break the pinata with a 22. (Gary Bachman)A 19 year old Phoenix woman was arrested on child abuse and aggravated DUI charges after police say she left her five-week-old baby strapped in a car seat on top of her car and drove off. Poor mom. Had she just done the same with a puppy she might have been offered a job with 'Arizonans for Romney'. (Janice Hough)Phoenix police have arrested a woman who allegedly drove off after forgetting that her 5-week-old baby was in a car seat on the roof of her vehicle. Mitt Romney was outraged by this story. Romney couldn't understand why the woman didn't just tie the baby to the roof of the car. (Gary Bachman)The city of Oakland officials are offering $100 gift cards to residents who hand over a working gun at the Oakland Police Department today. Not a bad idea, as long as the gift cards cannot be used to buy more guns. (Janice Hough)An Ohio woman was arrested and charged with one count of felony burglary after she allegedly broke into a home, cleaned and left a bill for her unsolicited service. I've heard of a burglar cleaning out a home but not cleaning up. (Gary Bachman)Two cows mating on a Pennsylvania highway reportedly brought traffic to a halt. In a related story, the Bulls led the NBA in scoring on the road. (RJ Currie)A lawsuit has been filed by a New Jersey father who claims his 8-week-old son was sickened by salmonella-tainted dry dog food. To prevent any future illnesses, the father says from now on his son will eat only canned dog food. (Gary Bachman)U.S. POLITICS & POLITICIANSA CNN Electoral Map says the 2012 Presidential election will come down to only 7 contested states - Colorado, Florida, Iowa, Nevada, New Hampshire, Ohio and Virginia. Isn't it nice to know our founding fathers fought for a system that makes our individual votes for president in the other 43 states basically meaningless? (Janice Hough)THE ECONOMYNew York's Mercantile Exchange saw gold prices soaring Monday as financial unrest in Europe undermined world currencies. It's crazy. Gold prices are so high that people have begun brushing their teeth six times a day to keep from being robbed by their dentist. (Argus Hamilton)A report says that the stock market boosted Americans' wealth in the first quarter. At least the Americans who didn't buy any stock in Facebook. (Jim Barach)CNBC is reporting that America lost 129,000 millionaires last year. Or as Mitt Romney calls them, "an endangered species we have to protect."
They says it's summer time and the living is easy, fish are jumping and cotton is high. Well, these days, polyester and gas prices are also high. (Nancy Jo Perdue)30 year mortgage rates have reached a record low. Which doesn't mean much since most people aren't able to hold onto their mortgages much past about three years anyway. (Jim Barach)The CEO of AIG says he sees the retirement age for most people increasing to 80 because of the economic crisis. Of course, there was a bit of an awkward pause when he realized that the entire financial meltdown was pretty much caused by AIG. (Jim Barach)TAXESThe IRS says the average income of the super rich in America is $202.4 Million a year. And with their team of tax preparers working around the clock, their average take home pay is also $202.4 Million a year. (Jim Barach)BUSINESS & LABORA report says that U. S. productivity has seen its largest drop in a year. The drop is blamed on the slow economy, fewer workers having to take on more responsibility and Words With Friends. (Jim Barach)The Disney Channel and Disney Radio are banning all ads for fast food, sugary cereals and high calorie snacks. It was either that or change the song lyrics to, "It's an extra-large world, after all." (Alan Ray)The Walt Disney Company announced that all food and drinks advertised on its broadcast channels would have to meet federally approved nutrition standards." In a related development, the Rich Hancock radio show has announced it will no longer advertise products with excessive sugar. The exception would be Snickers candy bars Hancock said, "Because they still taste great!" He continued, "There are some things one cannot say 'no' to." (Rich Hancock)AT&T says that data only plans will be available for smart phones within two years. Which means that soon people will be looking back on the days when their cellphones were actually used to make phone calls. (Jim Barach)Taco Bell's Doritos taco is now officially the chain's most popular product ever. Over 100-million sold in just 10 days. And you were worried about the hole in the ozone layer before. (Tim Hunter)Taco Bell is launching a new upscale menu at all their restaurants. That's good news for anyone who has ever wanted to experience classy diarrhea. (Conan O'Brien)The NASDAQ says it will offer $40 Million in cash and rebates because of a computer glitch that stopped them from trading during Facebook's IPO. Although anyone who was kept from buying Facebook stock during that time should be paying NASDAQ. (Jim Barach
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