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Weakly Humerus News 05-26-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-26-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK According to a study released today, the average member of Congress can only speak
    Message 1 of 1 , May 26, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-26-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      According to a study released today, the average member of Congress can only speak at a tenth grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average tenth grader speaks at a third grade level. (Jay Leno)

      Facebook is worth $100 billion. Today it was friended by Greece. (David Letterman)

      This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It's great -- now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Will people who bought Facebook stock at the IPO price be known as Zuckers? (Janice Hough)

      President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, "You can be whatever you want to be," while Romney was like, "I can be whatever you want me to be." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Now, there’s all kinds of excitement when Tiger Woods makes the cut. Wow. So finishing is now a goal? Woods has gone from Jack Nicklaus to Danica Patrick. (Janice Hough) 

      Nearly four tons of marijuana were recently found bobbing in the Pacific 21 kilometres off the Southern California coast. Talk about the high seas. (RJ Currie)

      Romney wants to do to America what he did for Bain Capital. Declare bankruptcy, fire everybody then sell us off for parts. (Will Durst)  

      A new poll found that Mitt Romney is actually ahead of President Obama among female voters. That explains Obama's new slogan, "I'm Barack Obama, and I loved '50 Shades of Grey.'"  (Craig Ferguson) 

      Mitt Romney's spoke at Liberty University. They teach that the Earth is 5,000 years old, and dinosaur fossils washed up in Noah's flood. This is a school you flunk out of when you get the answers right. (Bill Moher) 

      FACEBOOK IPO

      Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever. (Craig Ferguson)

      Mark Zuckerberg started Facebook in his Harvard dorm room and in eight years built it into the most popular waste of time the world has ever seen. (Jay Leno)

      Facebook's Mark Zuckerman will become a multi-billionaire Friday when Facebook goes public and he sells twelve percent of his stock. He also turned twenty-eight this week. Once he cashes that check he will be a third of the way to paying off his student loan. (Argus Hamilton)

      As of Friday you'll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, "Now there's a sound investment." (Conan O'Brien)

      Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg will begin selling stock in Facebook today. It's changed the workplace. Ten years ago Americans sat at their desks all day playing video poker on their computers and now they sit at their desks all day stalking old flames on Facebook. (Argus Hamilton)

      Now that Facebook has gone public it's possible to waste time AND money on the same activity! (Steve Yeich)

      Facebook sold $16 billion worth of stock today, making it the largest initial public offering for an American company ever. Facebook is now valued at $104 billion. More than McDonald's, more than Disney. That's the company whose primary purpose thus far has been to update us on what our former college roommate had for lunch. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Mark Zuckerberg personally made $1.5 billion today. That is more than I make in a year. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Facebook stock is around $32.50 at the moment, down roughly fifteen percent from its IPO. Basically what that means is that you people are worth only 85% of what you were five days ago. At this rate I'm going to have to friend something like 125 new people just to break even. (Jim Wright)

      On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it's a North Korean rocket. (Jay Leno)

      Shares of Facebook stock dropped from the opening day price of $38 to around $34 today. They say if it drops any lower, Mitt Romney will swoop in and divide it up into Face and Book. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Facebook shares fell again today. At one point this afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg went from being a billionaire to being 'still a billionaire. (Conan O'Brien)

      Facebook has lost so much money that founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named an honorary board member of JPMorgan. (Jay Leno)

      Facebook stock dove Tuesday after investors saw that Facebook's profit ratio didn't justify the stock price. That's fixable. Mitt Romney had to be restrained from taking over the company, breaking it into two parts and then laying off Book in order to save Face. (Argus Hamilton)

      It's been a rough week for Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg has lost so much money in the market that President Obama is going to have him replace Ben Bernanke. (Jay Leno)

      Small silver lining with this recent IPO -- 'Timeline' is no longer considered Facebook's biggest disaster. (Janice Hough)

      I know why you're happy. Facebook went public and you're all billionaires now. It is worth one hundred and four billion dollars. There has got to be a cheaper way to find out if your ex-girlfriend got fat. (Bill Moher) 

      Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash. (Craig Ferguson)

      U2 singer Bono may have made over $1 billion from Facebook going public. A spokesman for U2 said the band is still going to tour but only because the drummer invested heavily in MySpace. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Senate claims the Post Office is losing twenty-five million dollars a day, I know that sounds like a lot, but it's still less than Facebook stock. At that rate, Mark Zuckerberg will be broke in 100 years. (Bill Williams)

      After losing billions of dollars, Mark Zuckerberg is being sued for hiding Facebook's weak financial report. Apparently he put it somewhere no one will ever look — MySpace. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U. S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, "That's what the Cayman Islands are for." (Jay Leno)

      ZUCKERBERG WEDDING

      Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg married his long time girl friend Priscilla Chan. They have already left for their honeymoon in Farmville. (TC Chong)

      Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg married Priscilla Chan a day after FB went public. It was a financial decision. She just graduated from medical school and he just made twenty billion playing the stock market, and they figure they can't both be shut down by the government. (Argus Hamilton)

      That Facebook guy, Mark Zuckerberg got married last weekend. It was a classic Facebook romance. First he “Liked” her, then he “Friended” her, then he knocked her up. (Bill Williams)

      Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has already had his first argument with his new wife. It started when she exclaimed, "I need MySpace!" (Tim Hunter)

      That Facebook guy, Mark Zuckerberg, got married over the weekend. His company goes public, and he's now worth $100 billion. Then he gets married. He may not be as smart as we thought. His wife's a lovely woman. He stole her from the Winklevoss twins. (David Letterman)

      Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend got married — one day after Facebook raised $16 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 16 billion things she loves about him. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Mark Zuckerberg got married a couple of days ago. At their wedding, Zuckerberg's wife wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000. That is until the dress went public. Now it's worth $2,000. (Conan O'Brien)

      WOMEN'S RIGHTS

      Limbaugh Inspirational Thought of the Day: Sluts & Marriage: "A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed." (Deuteronomy 22:13-22)

      Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer just signed a bill that allow employers to ask workers whether or not their prescription birth control pills are for medical, non-sexual reasons. Where's the follow up bill to allow them to limit Viagra prescriptions to married men with pre-menopausal wives, and then only once a month for conception reasons? (Janice Hough)

      GAY ISSUES

      Rhode Island says it will officially recognize gay marriage. Big deal! Anyone can recognize a gay marriage. It’s two people of the same sex not talking to each other. (Bill Williams)

      Rhode Island now says it will recognize your gay marriage from another state, but gays cannot get married there. In other words, they think gay marriage is disgusting, but they'd love you to spend your honeymoon money there. (Jerry Perisho)

      Antediluvian bigot Billy Graham took out full-page ads supporting the gay marriage ban in 14 North Carolina newspapers. I was shocked. North Carolina has 14 newspapers. (Bill Maher)

      Same-sex marriage would have men married to men and women married to women. Well, who complains about the credit card bill and who says, "Well, you want me to look nice, don't you?" And who writes the thank-you notes and who just signs their name? (David Letterman)

      DC comics will have one of its major characters come out of the closet and reveal they are gay in an upcoming issue. The word is that Aquaman will admit to being in a relationship for several years with Greg Louganis. (Jim Barach)

      President Obama said he was evolving and then he came out for gay marriage. Conservatives, of course, are furious – not about the gay thing, about evolution. (Bill Maher)

      Barack Obama supports same-sex marriage. Mitt Romney doesn't even support same-sex car pools. (Craig Ferguson)

      Mitt Romney said marriage should be between one man and one woman, the way it has always been – with the exception of all of my relatives in Utah, my dad who was born in Mexico, my great-grandfather who left the damn country to get away from one-man, one-woman marriage. Other than that I'm a strict conservative on the subject. (Bill Maher)

      MITT ROMNEY

      Mitt Romney: A man who stands by his previous statements, no matter what they are. (Will Durst)

      Mitt Pomney: A man who feels strongly about both sides of many issues, (Will Durst)

      Trying to pin Mitt Romney down is like trying to glue jello to a sponge. (Will Durst)

      Romney wants to do to America what he did for Bain Capital. Declare bankruptcy, fire everybody then sell us off for parts. (Will Durst)  

      Mitt Romney spoke at Liberty University where they dispute evolution. Sounds like one of their dictums is the liberty to be ignorant. (Will Durst)

      There are reports that Mitt Romney may attend the London Olympics this summer. Romney's psyched to watch wrestling – cuz it's the only place where someone changes positions more than he does. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money. (David Letterman)

      Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants. (David Letterman)

      Mitt Romney said in an interview that the fallout from the comment "I like being able to fire people" made him "try and be a little more careful in what I say." So he still likes firing people, but now he knows not to say it. (Janice Hough)

      There is something indicative about his character because it seems like Mitt Romney was kind of a bully. This was not the only bullying thing he did. He also took poor kids' lunch money – oh, I'm sorry, that's his present-day economic policy. (Bill Maher)

      Mitt Romney apologized Friday for wrestling a kid to the ground in prep school forty-seven years ago and cutting his long hair. Talk about one-upmanship. Just as Obama is saluted in Hollywood for backing gay marriage rights, Mitt reveals his past as a hairdresser. (Argus Hamilton)

      Romney had some bad publicity about that incident when he was a teenager and he and his gang chased down a gay kid and pinned him to the ground and cut his hair against his will. Well, it turned out that affected the polls. This week, Romney lost support from people who dislike bullies, jerks, and prep school a**holes. And he picked up the endorsement of George W. Bush. (Bill Moher) 

      When Mitt was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt's tastes. And today Mitt's dog said, "I thought I had it bad." (Bill Maher)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Obama's new campaign slogan is "It's not the economy, stupid! It's who killed bin Laden." (Steve Yeich)

      On the May 21st cover of Newsweek, the magazine calls Pres. Obama 'The First Gay President'. Many people think that was Millard Fillmore, but he was 'The First Cross-dressing President'. (Jerry Perisho)

      Newsweek magazine has President Obama on the cover this week, calling him the first gay president. Actually, that's not true. Historians say that James Buchanan was probably our first gay president. He was a bachelor, he lived for 15 years with an Alabama senator, and he was briefly married to Liza Minnelli. (Jay Leno)

      Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent of the Democratic vote in West Virginia, President Obama got embarrassed again in Arkansas yesterday when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See, that proves once and for all that there's only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and a convicted felon. (Jay Leno)

      The Obama administration has ordered unilateral laws to stop prison rape; finally some good news for John Edwards. (Alex Kaseberg)

      President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs. (Jay Leno)

      Obama had a $40,000 a plate fundraising dinner in Hollywood.  Nothing says "the common man's president" like a $40,000 a plate dinner. (Steve Yeich)

      President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage last week.  Joe Biden had done the same thing just a few days prior. The rumor is they will be married shortly after the election in November. (Steve Yeich)

      President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama went on "The View." He went on "The View" because they're the only group of women the president trusts his Secret Service agents to be around. (Conan O'Brien) 

      President Obama was on 'The View.' An awkward moment back stage when Elizabeth Hasselback shot him in self-defense. (Bill Moher) 

      On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden's handicap is 20, while Obama's handicap is Joe Biden. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service -- a place in America where prostitution is legal. (Jay Leno)

      Bristol Palin accused Obama of pandering to teenagers who watch one too many episodes of 'Glee. Says the girl who got knocked up after watching one too many episodes of 'Teen Mom'. (Bill Maher)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Donald Trump is promoting himself as a potential keynote speaker for the Republican National Convention. Before he does, can the Donald produce a long form birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head? (Janice Hough)

      Ohio Senator Rob Portman is said to be on the short list for choices as Mitt Romney's running mate. Apparently party leaders like him because he is so dull that when they stand next to each other it looks like Romney is actually having fun. (Jim Barach)

      Former President Bush went out on a limb and predicted the campaign will come down to election day. Wow, next thing you know he'll go crazy and predict the winner will be the guy with the most votes. (Alex Kaseberg)

      89-year-old  Henry Kissinger was given the full TSA pat-down search when he arrived  at New York‚s LaGuardia Airport to board his flight to Toronto.   According to witnesses, he protested loudly but no one understood the  language he was speaking so they just assumed it was Arabic. (Bob Mills)

      Henry Kissinger complained about his TSA pat-down at La Guardia Friday. He claims they aggressively fondled his genitals before letting him board a flight. When John Travolta heard about this he immediately converted to Islam and began flying commercial. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Dick Cheney will host a fundraising event at his home in Jackson Hole, WY for Mitt Romney. Mitt wasn't sure the former V. P. was willing to help, but Cheney reputedly said, "Sure, I'll take a shot at it." (Janice Hough)

      Ron Paul made an announcement on Monday, saying he's dropping out of the race for president. This was his third race for president. He ran in 2008 against John McCain and against Lincoln in 1860 (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Ron Paul did not endorse Mitt Romney, and this happens to a lot of people. They say his hatred for Romney comes from a phenomenon called 'meeting him.' (Bill Moher) 

      Today Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney. This is possibly very important because as goes Herman Cain, so go the other two black Republicans in America. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Now that Rick Santorum has endorsed Mitt Romney in the 13th paragraph of a late-night email, and George W. Bush one-upped him by endorsing him through the closing doors of an elevator, Ron Paul must top them all by scrawling the word "Mitt" on a Post-it and slipping it to reporters under a bathroom stall while taking a dump. (Bill Moher) 

      THE DEMOCRATS

      Remember Al Gore, the tubby vice president? He has a new girlfriend – that is unless the Supreme Court takes her away from him. (David Letterman)

      Al Gore has a new girlfriend. Apparently, it's getting pretty serious. He's already been over to bore her parents. Gore and his girlfriend were spotted taking long walks on the beach, measuring how much the sea is rising. (Jay Leno)

      The defense has rested in the John Edwards trial. The jury can now find Edwards guilty of misusing campaign funds, which is a felony, or just find him guilty of the lesser charge of misdemeanor douchebaggery. (Jay Leno)

      John Edwards's defense lawyer rested his case on Wednesday. It's uncontested that he charmed an old lady out of money to hide his pregnant mistress from his dying wife. If John Edwards's stock were any lower his portrait would be on Greek government bonds. (Argus Hamilton)

      In California, Congress candidate Andy Caffrey, who has a medical marijuana prescription, has promised that if he wins, he'll smoke a joint — "right on the steps of Capitol Hill." Uh, maybe he should pass the joint around. Might get more bipartisan agreement if they were all stoned. (Janice Hough)

      California governor Jerry Brown, incorrectly stated that Facebook was invented in California, when it was actually developed by Mark Zuckerberg in Massachusetts.  But Brown did redeem himself when he did point out that at least he knew that Al Gore invented the Internet. (Steve Yeich)

      In California, Congress candidate Andy Caffrey, who has a medical marijuana prescription, has promised that if he wins, he'll smoke a joint — "right on the steps of Capitol Hill." Uh, maybe he should pass the joint around. Might get more bipartisan agreement if they were all stoned. (Janice Hough)


      THE ADMINISTRATION

      The Justice Department threatened to seize the Gibson guitars from rock stars while they're onstage this summer. The guitars are made of illegally harvested wood. After all, they are hand-made in Tennessee, where making anything legally takes all the fun out of it. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE CONGRESS

      A new study shows that congressmen speak English at a 10th grade level, which means that the U.S. is being governed by children who were left behind. (Andy Borowitz) 

      Senate Democrats moved to raise airline ticket prices five dollars to cover the TSA's budget shortfall. It pays the screeners. The TSA tried to downplay the five-dollar cost saying it only comes to two-fifty a breast, the official prevailing rate set by Colonel Sanders. (Argus Hamilton)

      Congratulations to former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The city of San Francisco has named a street after her today. It's called Botox Avenue. (Jay Leno)

      Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich says he will not run for Congress again, putting an end to his 16-year congressional career. With Kucinich's wife leaving the scene, the hottest congressional spouse is, uh, well, Marcus Bachmann. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE COURTS

      Two jurors have been dismissed during the Roger Clemens trial for falling asleep. You’d think Brian McNamee would inject these guys with some Red Bull. (TC Chong)

      THE MILITARY

      The Pentagon, concerned that it was spending too much money on studies, issued a study to study the studies. Unfortunately they ran out of money before the study could be completed, which, I guess, answers the question. (Jay Leno)

      THE STATES

      Vermont's governor has signed into law the first state ban on a hotly debated natural gas drilling technique called hydraulic fracturing. The ban will be easy to enforce in Vermont, which has little to no reserves of oil or natural gas. Gov. Pete Shumlin says he hopes Vermont will set an example for other states. (James Taranto)
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