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Weakly Humerus News 05-05-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-05-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Production will begin this September on a sequel to Dumb and Dumber. The movie
    Message 1 of 1 , May 5, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-05-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Production will begin this September on a sequel to "Dumb and Dumber." The movie is again expected to star Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. Either that or it will be a documentary about the GOP Presidential Primaries. (Janice Hough)

      A poll says that one in seven people worldwide think the world will end during their lifetime. The other six think are waiting for a sign of the apocalypse. Like the Cubs winning the World Series. (Jim Barach)

       

      Supermodels Kate Moss and Christy Turlington donated topless portraits of themselves to a charity auction. No telling what the photos might raise. (RJ Currie)

      The Saints are in trouble, the Secret Service is in trouble. Moral of the stories? Violence and sex are okay, as long as you don’t pay for them. (Janice Hough) 

      Austerity is fair. It offers cuts for all: Rich people's taxes, Poor people's programs. (Author Unknown) 

       

      Pizza Hut announced a new pizza with multiple cheeseburgers combined into the crust. For U.S. customers, buy two and get 10 per cent off your next bypass. (RJ Currie)

      If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don't, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask, why would the Indians launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land. (Bill Maher)

      THE SECRET SERVICE

      If the media is going to cover all the sordid details of the Secret Service prostitution scandal for yet another week, it has to start its stories with "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me." (Bill Maher)

      Congress is still very upset about the whole Secret Service/prostitution scandal. They are launching an investigation to find out why they weren't allowed in on it. (Steve Yeich)  

      Colombian hooker Dania Suarez complained Friday that Secret Service agent Arthur Huntington offered her eight hundred bucks but he only paid her twenty-eight dollars when the evening was over. That's easy to explain. Arthur is a government employee and twenty-eight dollars is the approved Medicare reimbursement rate for potency testing. (Argus Hamilton)

      After the recent scandal, new rules will bar the U. S. Secret Service from visiting "non-reputable" establishments. Hmm, will they make an exception for them to enter Congress. (Cam Hutchinson)

      The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday. They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers, or go to strip bars. The rules say that from now on if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else. (Argus Hamilton)

      The White House should have known something was up when the Secret Service asked to be paid in ones. (Will Durst)

      After the prostitution scandal in Colombia, Secret Service agents are banned from bringing guests back to their hotel room. The new policy is raising lots of questions like, "So, your place then? (Jimmy Fallon)

      Now allegations are coming out that the Secret Service were partying with strippers and hookers, not just in Colombia but in El Salvador, Buenos Aires, Moscow. You got to hand it to these guys. A lot of us look at the world and say, 'F**k it.' These people actually do it. (Bill Maher)

      Colombia demanded an apology from the U.S. Thursday for the Secret Service turning Cartagena into an international hooker joke reference. The country does not want to be known for its legalized prostitution. It ruins its brand as the Cocaine Capital of the World. (Argus Hamilton)

      Strange development in the Secret Service prostitution saga. They issued new rules of conduct on Friday, and on some trips they will send chaperones to make sure the rules are enforced. Am I nuts, or is this weird? We have to give the Secret Service chaperones to make sure they don't get drunk and have sex? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Secret Service hooker scandal in Colombia grew amid reports that agents hired hookers in El Salvador. U.S. Embassy Marines just tossed a hooker out of a car in Brazil in a payment dispute. Latin America now refers to gunboat diplomacy as the good old days. (Argus Hamilton) 

      We should make the agents travel with their moms. They would be highly trained themselves and will be ready to throw their bodies on any agent who is about to throw his body on a prostitute. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Secret Service is really clamping down on what its agents can do in their spare time. The Service even put Barnes & Noble off limits; they found out it's a place you can buy Nook. (Terry Edder)

      His story just keeps getting bigger and bigger. CNN said Secret Service agents may have visited a strip club in El Salvador as well. Don't you like that language, 'they visited'? That's what guys do when they go to strip clubs, they visit. 'Hi, just visiting.' No, you visit a hospital. (Jay Leno) 

      Big medical news — according to the CDC, there's been a huge increase in SSSTDs. Those are Secret Service sexually transmitted diseases. Be careful. (Jay Leno)

      OSAMA BIN LADEN ANNIVERSARY

      A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn't been screwing around with hookers. (David Letterman)

      The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It's like a Kardashian husband.

      The GOP is accusing President Obama of exploiting the 1-year anniversary of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden for political purposes. Right, and if Seal Team Six had failed, I am sure Republicans would have never have mentioned it. (Janice Hough)

      Definition of "politicizing" a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs. (Janice Hough).

      "It's not worth moving heaven and earth and spending billions of dollars just trying to catch one person." (Mitt Romney , April 2007)

      I do not concur in the words of Barack Obama in a plan to enter an ally of ours [i.e. Pakistan]. I don't think those kinds of comments help in this effort to draw more friends to our effort. (Mitt Romney , Aug. 2007}

      "There are plenty of differences between President Obama and myself, but let's not make up ones based on, well he might not have done this. It's disappointing and it's unfortunate. ... Any American, any thinking American would have ordered exactly the same thing. Even Jimmy Carter would have given that order." (Mitt Romney, May 2012)

      So let me get this straight. Republicans, you're annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of a wartime President's political ad. You think he's divisively and unfairly belittling his opponents, I see. I have a question: Are you on crack? Were you alive, lo, these past ten years? It seems unseemly for the President to spike the football. Bush landed on a f**king aircraft carrier with a football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the football before the game had even started! (Jon Stewart)

      Republicans finally admit what angers them about Obama, I mean other than that he’s black. The bug up their ass is that no one gives an assist credit to George W. Bush for helping Obama kill bin Laden, because if Bush caught bin Laden during the years he was in theory looking for him, Obama wouldn’t get credit now for closing the deal. (Jerry W.)

      A new campaign video by Barack Obama implies that Mitt Romney would not have killed Osama bin Laden if he had been president. Today Romney shot back. He said not only would he have killed bin Laden, he would have strapped him to the roof of his car and taken him on vacation with him as well. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn't have ordered a hit. He would've canceled his healthcare. (Jay Leno)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn't as big a surprise as last year's Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big. (Jay Leno)

      Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip? Tim Tebow. (Jay Leno) 

      A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack's new slogan, ‘Vote for Michelle Obama's Husband.' (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan — "Forward." That's a good message for Obama. He's telling voters, "Whatever you do, don't look back at all those campaign promises I made." (Jay Leno)

      President Obama now admits that the 'New York girlfriend' mentioned in his 1995 memoir was actually a composite of several women he dated there.  Now, some Republicans are claiming that his wife Michelle is really just a hologram. (Tim Hunter) 

      Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he "made up" a girlfriend in his autobiography. It's a good thing Oprah's off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of the book club. (Craig Ferguson)

      President Obama admitted to a biographer Thursday that in his book Dreams of My Father he compressed the personalities of six former girlfriends into one. It was kind of dishonest. If you could turn six girlfriends into one, Bill Clinton would still be president. (Argus Hamilton)

      According to a new survey, one in seven people believe the world is going to end in their lifetime. 10% believe that it's going to happen this year. 100% of Republicans and Democrats believe it's going to end if the other side gets elected President. (Tim Hunter) 

      MITT ROMNEY

      During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney. (Jimmy Fallon)

      "We've always encouraged young people: Take a shot, go for it. Take a risk. Get the education. Borrow money if you have to from your parents. Start a business." (Mitt Romney)

      Start a business! Just look at my son!
      With ten million, just look what he's done!
      ___Ask your folks for a loan,
      ___Start a firm of your own,
      You'll find out: firing people is fun!
      (Author Unknown) 

      Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mitt Romney was joined by Rudy Giuliani in a visit to a Lower Manhattan fire station Tuesday. They addressed the number-one issue of the election. The firemen confirmed once and for all that the pet Dalmation prefers riding on top of the fire truck to being eaten. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney swept five more primaries. There was a big Mormon celebration afterward. People were drinking apple juice and eating animal crackers until nearly 9 p.m. (Bill Maher)

      Finally figured out who Mitt Romney actually is. He’s Thurston P Howell before the island. (Will Durst)  

      Romney is going to have to pick a vice president and apparently it is between Chris Christie and the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. So it’s between a Cuban American and a cubic American. (Bill Maher)

      Other people say that Mitt should balance the ticket by picking someone who has taken all of the opposite positions of him, like himself. (Bill Maher)

      New Jersey’s Gov. Chris Christie says he may end up being Mitt Romney’s Republican running mate. That’s a brilliant move by Romney; it really secures the Dunkin Donut vote. (Jerry Perisho)

      Ann Romney says of Mitt that "There's a wild and crazy man inside of there." Right, and Hillary Clinton says there's a monogamous man inside of Bill. (Janice Hough)

      Ann Romney wore a $1,000 blouse on television Thursday. Although the designer said it was an off-the-rack item and not one that was especially made for her. So can't imagine how Ann is getting an increasingly out-of-touch reputation. (Janice Hough).

      Mitt Romney trying to compete for the youth vote told some kids that some of the places he hides his money are the same places they go to spring break. (Bill Maher)

      U.S. POLITICS & POLITICIANS

      The only politics we understand is scandal, and the only scandal we understand is sex. Look at the primaries. Newt Gingrich, over his long career, has committed every crime in Dante's Inferno except grave robbing, and that's just because shoveling is work. But why is he ineligible for high office? Adultery. (Bill Maher)

      Take Herman Cain, the lovable huckster who said things like, "No bill in Congress should be more than three pages long." Every time he opened his mouth, something frighteningly stupid, factually inaccurate, or mathematically impossible would fall out. And the media just stood around and said, "Hey wow, he's the frontrunner!" But as soon as a woman came forward with some dirt, say hello to Woodward and Bernstein. (Bill Maher)

      Or take the John Edwards trial. John Edwards' favorability rating is 3%, the worst ever recorded. Is he really the worst person in the world ever? The crime he's accused of is a campaign finance violation. (Bill Maher)  

      But thanks to the Supreme Court, last week Mitt Romney's super PAC was able to get a $10 million dollar anonymous donation. For all we know, it came from Vladimir Putin, or Mel Gibson, or Kim Dotcom. The Supreme Court did a lot more to corrupt campaign finance than John Edwards. (Bill Maher)

      REPUBLICANS

      Newt Gingrich says he's going to make an announcement on Tuesday that he's suspending his presidential campaign. Yes, he's letting us down gently. And also because technicians are still working on Callista to install her sad face. (Bill Maher)

      Newt Gingrich dropped out of the GOP presidential race on Wednesday after he won in Georgia and in South Carolina. He nearly won in the Mississippi, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Louisiana and Alabama primaries. You know you're not in touch with the American people when the only states that support you are the ones that tried to leave the Union. (Argus Hamilton)

      DEMOCRATS

      Bill Clinton said that Hillary didn't even tell him about the U.S. mission to kill Osama bin Laden. Who a thunk it? There are secrets in that marriage. (Janice Hough).

      A CBS poll shows that John Edwards has a 3% approval rating. He’s looking on the bright side, though. He could still capture the Republican nomination. (Terry Etter)

      According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he's going to get in prison will be free. (Jay Leno)

      Have you been following this sleazy John Edwards' trial? Oh my God. I tell you, this John Edwards, I don't think he's learned anything from all of this. Did you see what happened today? He got one of the jurors pregnant. (Jay Leno)


      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Vice President Joe Biden stayed behind. He did not go on this trip. Well, thank God for that. What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to come up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time? (Jay Leno)

      Vice President, Joe Biden, was promoting Obama's foreign policy and to prove how good the administration is at foreign policy Biden said he was going to eat in an Italian restaurant that night. (Steve Yeich)

      Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE CONGRESS

      The Senate passed a bill that would allow the Post Office to stop Saturday deliveries in order to stop the flow of red ink from the agency. So the government is sticking to its philosophy of making a crappy service even crappier in order to make it better. (Steve Yeich)

      THE MILITARY

      A military report says the U. S. could destroy or degrade Iran's armed forces in three weeks. Just like with Afghanistan that is an estimate, meaning it could take as long as 12 years. (Jim Barach)

      THE STATES

      A California bill would ban therapy that tries to convert gays to being heterosexual. Apparently legislators are worried about ever again being able to a good haircut, properly prepared latte or attractive floral arrangement. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A Detroit judge got into hot water for texting a half-nude photo of himself to a female subordinate. Hockeytown insiders expect he'll just get a bench penalty. (RJ Currie)

      It's a law now in California (Los Angeles County) that police must screen adult films to make sure condoms are being used. As a result, there has been an influx of TSA agents applying to the LAPD. (Steve Yeich)

      L.A. Supervisors passed a law requiring police to screen all porno films for condom use. It caused uproar in college football. If you think the Longhorn Network gave an unfair recruiting advantage to the Texas Longhorns, imagine what this will do for the USC Trojans. (Argus Hamilton)

      A California man is suing a motorcycle manufacturer and the maker of his motorcycle seat for giving him a 20-month erection? Clearly, this

      A lady got arrested for bringing her 5-year-old to a tanning salon. Guess what state she is from — New Jersey. Is that a crime in New Jersey? In New Jersey, I think they call that day care. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A New Jersey mother was arrested for allegedly putting her 5-year-old daughter in a tanning booth. I say get the kid a gym membership, teach her to do laundry, and she’s ready to join the Jersey Shore cast. (Gary Bachman)

      There's a new restaurant in Oregon that serves food infused with medical marijuana. It's annoying when customers call the waiter over and they're like, "Hey, we never got our appetizers. Wait, did we get our appetizers?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      A Florida man who was hunting with his girlfriend mistook her for a hog and shot her in both legs. Whatever happened to, "Does this dress make my butt look fat?'' (Cam Hutchinson)

      THE ECONOMY

      The Bureau of Labor Statistics says only 25% of 16 to 19 year olds are working, down 10% from five years ago. The biggest problem is when teenagers go looking for work, they are often competing for the same job with their parents. (Jim Barach)

      Let's follow Canada, and get rid of the penny. It costs more to make than it's worth. And we don't need another copper-colored reminder that government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner. (Bill Maher)

      A report says that big U. S. companies are adding jobs, but three out of four are overseas. The other one is there to figure out how to convert a two dollars a day pay scale to the other countries' currency system. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Costco is going to get into the mortgage industry. Of course, you'd have to refinance a dozen homes at a time. (Tim Hunter)  

      At Pizza Hut you can now get a giant pizza topped with cheeseburgers. Yes, a pizza topped with cheeseburgers. And listen to this — if you don't have a heart attack in 30 minutes, the pizza's free. (David Letterman) 

      Coca-Cola may purchase power drink Monster. Both sides are negotiating ‘round the clock. For some reason, no one seems the least bit tired. (Alan Ray) 

      Disney, the world's largest theme park owner, announced a deal with Starbucks, the world's largest coffee chain, to open stores in its theme parks at Disneyland Park and Walt Disney World Resort. It's the usual deal that Disney requires of all of their vendors – the Mouse collects a hefty percentage of the profits. With those Starbucks prices, Disney accountants figure they'll make back the massive losses from "John Carter" in about three weeks. (Bob Mills)

      Barnes and Noble releases its new glow in the dark “Nook Simple Touch” in May. The manuscript that comes with it isn’t a very long read. “Snooki: Planned Parenthood.” (Alan Ray)

      A McDonald's restaurant in Colorado was stunned when a cow showed up at the drive-through window. Witnesses say it changed the entire mooed of the place. (Bill Williams)

      TRANSPORTATION

      The TSA frisked a 4 year old in an airport. So, now if you work for the TSA it's not just legal to be a general pervert but you can be a pedophile as well. (Steve Yeich)

      A study found that failing to use signal lights causes two million accidents a year in the U. S. The study also found two million accidents are caused by Canadian seniors driving with their blinkers on. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Spirit Airlines has long charged for carry-on bags that don't fit under the seat. Now in November travelers who don't pay that fee until they get to the gate to $100 PER bag. Well, the new policy may cut down on boarding time. If it doesn't result in arrests for assaulting airline employees.- (Janice Hough).

      The Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport was rated as the best in America. Apparently former Senator Larry Craig has gotten them to enlarge the restroom stalls for people with wide stances. (Jim Barach)

      Qantas Airlines will start attaching electronic tags to luggage to keep it from getting lost. And they're going to start doing that once they find the suitcase containing all the electronic tags. (Jimmy Fallon)

      TERRORISM 

      German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline al-Qaida's plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot. (Jay Leno)

      CIVIL RIGHTS 

      The Census Bureau reports that the number of interracial couples has increased over 40% since 2000. The most common couplings are black and white, white and Hispanic, and NBA player and Kardashian. (Conan O'Brien) 

      NASA & SPACE

      Former Astronaut and Senator John Glenn will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. He's 90 years old and says he wishes he could still go into space. Mostly so he could get some more of those astronaut diapers to wear. (Jim Barach)

      CANADA
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