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Weakly Humerus News 04-28-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-28-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Generally, the higher a player is taken in the draft, the more money he ends up
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 28, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-28-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Generally, the higher a player is taken in the draft, the more money he ends up making. O.J. Simpson was picked first in his draft. And he went on to make a killing. (Craig Ferguson)

      Pakistan tested a nuclear-missile Tuesday putting India on high-alert. The same day Iran sent military weapons to Syria and North Korea prepared an atomic bomb test. They all heard that the NBA suspended World Peace for seven days so they have to act fast. (Argus Hamilton)

      A California man died at age 103 after living with a bullet in his head since 1917. Apparently those who knew him said he was a man of high caliber. (Jim Barach)

      Arizona: They're not only pro-life -- they're pre-life  (Stephen Colbert)  

      Wal-Mart stock lost 5% of its value on news that top executives bribed Mexican officials. That’s Juan big problem. (Israel Corrasco) 

      A Manhattan Subway store made headlines with its sculpted Robert Griffin III sandwich made up of barbecue chicken, lettuce, tomatoes and chili peppers. Jets fans, not to be outdone, are demanding a Tim Tebow version, with two fish and five loaves of bread. (Dwight Perry)

      LFL teams are reportedly taking 2012 off for promotional tours to give lingerie football more exposure. My wife doesn't think that's possible. (RJ Currie)

       

      The New Orleans Saints denied bugging other team's signals Monday. Now we've got spying in the NFL, violence in the NBA, adultery in college football, and baseball is now white guys in sunglasses. It'll take the Secret Service no time to fill those thirteen openings. (Argus Hamilton)

      A morbidly obese cat named 'Meow' weighs a whopping 39 pounds. He has eclipsed Sidney Crosby as the world's biggest pussy. (Gary Bachman)

      The U.S. Postal Service has put Ted Williams head on a stamp. The only problem is when you lick it, your tongue sticks to it. (RJ Currie)

      THE SECRET SERVICE

      Three advance team Secret Service agents have been dismissed over a prostitute scandal in Colombia. Their superiors didn’t buy their alibi. They were just trying to get the lay of the land. (Alan Ray)

      The Secret Service widens its probe of an agent sex scandal. The recent incident in Colombia has changed terminology. It brings new meaning to 'putting a tail on someone.' (Alan Ray)

      One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I'm thinking, now wait a minute. I've got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dolla', but, these are jobs that should've gone to American hookers. (David Letterman)

      The Secret Service agent thought he was paying $30, and it turned out the prostitute wanted $800, which sounds like a lot, but in her defense, she said she is paying a higher tax rate than Mitt Romney. (Bill Maher)

      Secret Service agents have been trained to take one for the President. In Colombia, the president they were taking one for must've been Clinton. (Terry Etter)

      Those Secret Service agents snared in the Colombian sex scandal weren't out of work long. Tiger Woods reportedly wants them to head up his security detail. (Dwight Perry) 

      "I can't help but wonder if there'd been more women as part of that detail, if this ever would have happened." (Sen. Susan Collins [R-ME]) "I can't help but keep asking this question, where are the women? We probably need to diversify the Secret Service and have more minorities and more women." (Rep. Carolyn Maloney [D-NY]) Um, ladies? Are you sure this is the spin you want to put on this? If the Secret Service had more women, the male agents wouldn't have needed to hire hookers? (Paul Benoit)

      METTA WORLD PEACE

      Meta World Peace was ejected from the Lakers-Thunder game for fighting. His team counsel will appeal any suspension. "All we are saying is give Peace a chance." (Alan Ray)

      You know Metta World Peace, that guy on the Lakers. Well, he has been suspended for seven games after he violently elbowed another player in the head — which explains his new name, "Metta Real Housewife." (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Lakers star Ron Artest — Metta World Peace, that's his name now, was ejected from yesterday's game for a vicious elbow to the head of Oklahoma's James Harden. It was such a cheap shot he was offered a contract with the New Orleans Saints. (Jay Leno) 

      On Metta World Peace's suspension: I haven't seen an NBA player take an elbow like that since Kris Humphries got between Kim Kardashian and a camera. (Jay Leno) 

      That vicious hit by the NBA player formerly known as Ron Artest resulted in a seven game suspension. So for the next couple weeks, good news for beauty pageant contestants - World Peace is available! (Janice Hough)

      The NBA has hit the unfortunately renamed Metta World Peace with a seven-game suspension. Two games for the flagrant elbow, and the other five for false advertising. (Dwight Perry)

      JOHN EDWARDS

      John Edwards' trial is underway. If convicted, he could face up to 30 years in prison. It just goes to show you that politicians will do anything to live off taxpayers' money. (Wendel Potter)

      Both Democrats and Republicans expect that if John Edwards is convicted of using campaign funds to hide his affair, he will ask for mercy on the grounds that he is a widower. (Janice Hough)

      The criminal trial of John Edwards begins. Legal scholars agree sending this guy to jail would be cruel and unusual punishment. For the other inmates. (Alan Ray)

      John Edward’s trial for using campaign funds to conceal his affair with Rielle Hunter has begun. And if Edwards ends up in prison this could really damage his greatest love affair -- have heard that cells don’t have mirrors. (Janice Hough)

      Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don't know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I'm pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service. (Jay Leno)

      MITT ROMNEY

      Yesterday Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free. (Conan O'Brien)

      After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. "Well, I guess you're stuck with me." (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney' s website states "We have a moral responsibility not to spend more than we take in." Mitt is calling for a $100 billion increase in the Pentagon budget. Guess he's following that old W. axiom "money spent on wars doesn't count." (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney can’t be president. Because at the inauguration you have to swear on a bible. And Mormons can’t swear. (Bill Williams)

      Mitt Romney assigned his Massachusetts governor's aide to head up the search team for his vice presidential running mate for the fall campaign. She must come up with dozens and dozens of names. Mormon men are allowed to have up to three vice presidents. (Argus

      Why does being Romney's vice president now seem like a dare nobody wants to take? (Jon Stewart)

      Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country. (Jay Leno)

      Rudy Giuliani endorsed Mitt Romney, increasing his odds of winning the Presidency by 9-11% (PBen News)

      I can understand Mitt Romney's delay in releasing his tax return. Sometimes wealthy people have trouble counting their money when they forget where some of it is hidden. (Mark Russell)

      Mitt Romney gets a lot of criticism because he's kind of stiff, he's sort of cold, he's sort of aloof. And I thought, "Well, wait a minute. Let's look at the bright side of this, Mitt Romney is an inspiration to kids all over this country who sadly were born without a personality." (David Letterman)

      Mitt Romney in Jan. 2012, "I don't have complaints about the media, the media is doing their job, the best job they can." Mitt Romney now, "There will be an effort, by the 'vast left-wing conspiracy', to work together to put out their message and attack me." Good to know Mitt's as consistent about the media as he is about most things. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is "Mitt Romney' -- I probably employ one of your cousins." (Conan O'Brien)

      Mitt Romney claims his father sold paint from the trunk of his car and went on to become governor of Massachusetts. If he was anything like his son, it must have been white wash. (Bill Williams)

      Mitt Romney says his grandfather was going broke all the time. Wonder if this pissed off Granny Romney so much she made the old man ride in the roof rack on the Rolls? (Bill Williams)

      Mitt Romney is unbelievable. There is no level to which he will not stoop. Famously Mitt Romney strapped the dog to the roof of the car. So this week the Romney campaign put out that Obama, when he was six years old living in Indonesia, he ate dog meat and grasshoppers. He was six years old! The White House released a statement today saying the president was so sickened by this charge that he ate some grass and threw up. (Bill Maher)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn't want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day -- which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute. (Conan O'Brien)

      A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack's new slogan, "Vote for Michelle Obama's Husband." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he plans to release new findings that will prove President Obama's birth certificate is a forgery. Even Donald Trump is thinking "Dude, give it up already. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn't work, Obama's going to resort to his second proposal, "free pizza in my room." (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama spoke at Chapel Hill Tuesday where he vowed to limit student loan interest. The actuarials have it all worked out. To compute the number of years it takes to pay off a student loan you calculate the student's average life expectancy and add ten years. (Argus Hamilton)

      Barack Obama had yogurt spilled on him by a young woman greeting him outiside a college bar and restaurant on Tuesday. The Secret Service would have intervened but they were busy spilling their own 'yogurt'. (Gary Bachman)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      I think Republicans live in a world now where whatever a liberal says, no matter how sensible, is automatically evil, wrong, and needs to be fought with the fervor of a starving raccoon on crystal meth. (Bill Maher)

      One of the agents involved in the scandal was on Sarah Palin's detail in 2008 when she was running for vice president. And he posted a picture on his Facebook – apparently he had a little crush on her – of him standing behind her kind of smirking and saying, "I'm checking her out." Which is more than you can say for the McCain campaign. (Bill Maher)

      Of course Sarah Palin has to answer this. Today she said, you know what, people are always checking me out. She said, 'I can't count the number of times when I'm walking away, and I hear someone say, 'What an ass.'" (Bill Maher)

      Newt Gingrich is hinting that he may drop out of the presidential race. Apparently he is only still in because his staff rented the campaign bus through May. (Jim Barach)

      If [Sen. Marco] Rubio passes the vetting process, assuming he does, I think he's the obvious choice. And if he says he doesn't want the office, he'll find a horse's head in his bed. The next day he will accept. Romney's not going to take no for an answer. We have ways, we Republicans. (Charles Krauthammer)

      Newt Gingrich is 4 million dollars in debt. He's learned the hard way on the political stump. Your campaign buttons don't need to come from Tiffany's. (Alan Ray)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      While discussing the U. S. policy on Iran today, Joe Biden said that President Obama "has a big stick." In related news, Joe Biden is now banned from the White House steam room. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE CAMPAIGNS

      In May, George Clooney will host a fund-raising dinner for Barack Obama at his home in Los Angeles, charging $40,000 per couple to attend. Not to be outdone, Ted Nugent will host a fund-raiser for Mitt Romney, will charge $50,000 a couple, and serve endangered species. (Bob Mills)

      THE CONGRESS

      The U. S. Senate held hearings into the all-night party involving Secret Service agents and hookers in Colombia. The grilling was relentless. The senators wanted to know who picked up these hookers, how long did they party, and if they took American Express. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE COURTS

      A Detroit judge texted a nude photo of himself to a female subordinate. He wanted to impress her with his large gavel. He next plans to send a photo of himself ejaculating with the caption: "Here comes the judge." (Gary Bachman)

      THE STATES

      We get fluxed by the state of California on a regular basis, but even more so at tax time. But it’s better now that Arnold’s gone. He treated us like we were his maid. (Jerry W.)

      A mad cow case has been confirmed in California. Apparently she had just signed to clean Arnold’s pad then he went back to Maria. (Bill Williams)

      Mississippi's Governor said today that Democrats' "one mission in life is to abort children." Wait, what about destroying society by allowing gay marriage? (Janice Hough)

      LOCAL NEWS

      It's now the law in Southern California that police must screen all adult films to make sure condoms are being used -- which explains the LAPD's new motto, "To protect and perv." (Conan O'Brien)

      A New York man is on trial for posing as his dead mother for six years so he could collect her Social Security benefits. On the witness stand, he said, “Yes, I did it, but don’t you think sleeping with my dad twice a week is punishment enough?” (Jerry Perisho)

      THE ECONOMY

      A study says that Americans will get $1.3 Billion in health care rebates under a new law limiting insurance companies' profits. Which means the insurance companies' petty cash drawers are going to take a real hit on that one. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Apple disclosed a second-quarter profit of twelve billion dollars Tuesday. They sold thirty-five million iPhones. Steve Jobs just joined Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and Jesus Christ on the list of superstars whose financial worth has skyrocketed after they died. (Argus Hamilton)

      A maintenance worker at a Sears store was secretly taping women disrobing in a changing room. The most shocking part of the story was learning that Sears stores have maintenance workers. (Jerry Perisho)

      Burger King has vowed to use cage-free chicken and pork. It's a dramatic shift in company food policy. Now the only animal they will harm will be the humans who eat there. (Alan Ray) 

      Pizza Hut has introduced a new pizza that contains multiple cheeseburgers stuffed within the crust. It's the first pizza that comes with your choice of soda or an intervention. (Conan O'Brien)

      A New Mexico company has petitioned the federal government to become the first U. S. business to offer horse meat for human consumption. You can get horse meat on the menu in some restaurants now. So if you're in Albuquerque, avoid the Philly Cheese Steak. (Jay Leno)

      A cow wandered up to the drive-through window at a Colorado McDonald's. My first question would have been, "Do you want flies with that?" (RJ Currie)

      TRANSPORTATION

      Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar says "no one knows" if gasoline will go up to $9 a gallon in the U. S. To which ExxonMobil, Chevron and Shell say, "We do!" (Jim Barach)

      A bird strike forced a JetBlue flight to make an emergency landing in New York. Apparently the bird was caught off guard not expecting to see a JetBlue plane actually up in the air. (Jim Barach)

      NASA & SPACE

      That shot of the space shuttle being carried in a 747 roof rack…NASA got the idea from Mitt's vacation slides. (Bill Willliams)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      A British Schoolboy told Reuters he had no idea how a fox ended up in his bed. "See?" said Tiger Woods. (RJ Currie)

      The London Mail reports a Secret service agent brought a hooker to the Hilton Hotel on Cartagena where Obama later stayed. It's so sad. A government sex, booze and drug scandal at this hotel could ruin the good name that Paris Hilton's worked so hard to build. (Argus Hamilton)

      Three British guys recently got drunk, broke into an Australian Sea World, swam with dolphins, stole a penguin and then woke up the next morning with a rare sea bird waddling around their apartment and no clue about how it had gotten there. Newt Gingrich could not be reached for comment about the further deteriorating state of human-penguin relations, but the penguin is back safe at home. (Huff Post)

      The U.S. town of Boring (Ore.) just signed a sistership agreement with the British village of Dull. For good measure, they threw in the Chicago Cubs as a sister team. (RJ Currie)

      EUROPE

      A Swiss woman died of starvation after believing she could live on the energy from light alone. Apparently she became confused when someone suggested she start eating light meals. (Jim Barach)

      Police in Vienna detained three men for suspected involvement in a recent warehouse theft of two tons of coffee. The charges were dropped due to insufficient grounds. (RJ Currie)

      A Romanian policeman gave a completely naked female motorcyclist a ticket for failing to wear a helmet. I'm wondering where she kept her driver's licence? (RJ Currie)

      AFRICA

      Egypt plans to pass a law that allows men husbands to have sex with their deceased wives up to six hours after they die. That would be the first time both partners would be stiff during sex. (Jim Barach)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Time magazine is reporting that Lebanon's most wanted Sunni terrorist has blown himself up in Syria. Wow, a lot of these guys have a short fuse. (Jay Leno)

      THE FAR EAST

      North Korea's Kim Jong-Un unveiled a new ICBM Sunday after the sixth failed launch of its long-range missiles. They claim they've all been successes. North Korean missiles are tough to pick up on radar because they do not fly, they are engineered to skip on water. (Argus Hamilton)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      In Rajasthan state, India Laxmi Sargara, 18, has become one of the first child brides to challenge that nation's ancient custom of arranged marriage -- and win. She wed Rakesh in 1995 when she was one and he was three. Laxmi decided to balk when her dad-in-law showed up last month to take her away. Good lesson here for westerners. No matter the culture, those May-December marriages never seem to work out, although seventeen years is nothing to snicker at. (Bob Mills)

      SCIENCE

      Scientists have discovered certain bacteria in our intestines may be necessary for normal behavior. This puts a whole new spin on 'gut-check' time. (RJ Currie)

      HEALTH

      A study found mothers with heart trouble are more likely to have girls. The study also found fathers are more likely to have heart troubles when their girls turn 13. (Cam Hutchinson)

      A study says the cost of an appendectomy in California hospitals ranges from $1,500 to $180,000. Of course, the $180,000 operation is done at a Beverly Hills plastic surgery center and guarantees no scar while featuring a tummy tuck and liposuction. The $1,500 procedure is done by the winner of the national "Operation" game. (Jim Barach)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      They say this East Coast winter storm will be bad. How bad? Mitt Romney is strapping sled dogs to the roof of his car. (Alex Kaseberg)

      SPORTS

      BASEBALL

      The Marlins became the first team in major-league history to walk four batters in a row -- all by different pitchers — in a 2-1 loss to the Mets on Wednesday night. (Dwight Perry)

      The New York Yankees have come out with new team fragrances, for men and women. They're the perfect choice for those who want to smell like money. (Cam Hutchinson)  

      FOOTBALL

      The first round of the NFL draft was earlier tonight. The 32 NFL teams draft in reverse order of how they finished in the standings last year. This means that every year the NFL Draft allows the best young player coming out of college to realize his lifelong dream of playing for the crappiest team in football. (Craig Ferguson) 
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