Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

Weakly Humerus News 04-14-12

Expand Messages
  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-14-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Some wonder if Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino can survive the scandal
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 14, 2012
    • 0 Attachment

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-14-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Some wonder if Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino can survive the scandal resulting from his motorcycle crash involving his 25 year old assistant and the "inappropriate relationship.'' Survive as football coach anyway. Petrino is now pretty well set up for running for Governor of Arkansas. (Janice Hough) F

      Florida Rep. Allen West said that up to 81 House members are communists. To which Ozzie Guillen responded that he admires each and every one of them. (Gary Bachman) 

      What's the difference between Jennifer Aniston and Kim Jong-un? Kim's bombs haven't hurt anyone. (Phil G.)

      Newt Gingrich says he still has a chance. He says people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. It's a group of people known as Democrats. (Conan O'Brien)

      A Texas woman has started a cleaning service where maids will strip down to lingerie or their birthday suits to clean homes. By all accounts, her business is taking off. (RJ Currie)

      As the Trayvon Martin case becomes political, notice that not one person who demanded to see Obama's birth certificate is demanding to see George Zimmerman's broken nose. (Mark Russell)

      Another strange story from Arizona. A bill signed by the governor would declare a woman to be pregnant two weeks before conception. So congratulations, ladies, you are all Arizona pregnant. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I wonder if they realize in Arizona that they will not be able to report any female illegal immigrants because they are all pregnant with babies who will be citizens. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Set to compete in this year's World Series of Poker: UFC fighter Georges St. Pierre. Pundits predict a lot of busted hands. (Dwight Perry) 

      Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should've dropped out four score and seven years ago. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      A great-grandmother will participate in the Olympic torch relay just weeks after she turns 100. Talk about an old flame. (RJ Currie)

      A Texas strip club owner allegedly tried to hire illegal aliens to kill the town’s mayor. Local residents were furious. Once again, illegal aliens are being hired to take away jobs that many Americans would be happy to do. (Jim Barach)

      A family member says painter Thomas Kinkade battled alcoholism over the past several years and had a relapse just before his death. Apparently, the “painter of light” was himself often lit (Gary Bachman) 

      MITT ROMNEY

      Over the weekend, Mitt Romney was actually spotted body-boarding in California. Yeah, Romney would have gone surfing, but you know, he hates standing for something. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Mitt Romney tried connecting with voters in Wisconsin last week by discussing how his own family struggled. He likes to tell crowds the family story of how his grandfather returned to Utah from Mexico a hundred years ago with just his knapsack on his back. He forgets to mention that the knapsack contained two million dollars in silver certificates. (Argus Hamilton)

      Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama's popularity is starting to dwindle among well-known liberals like Matt Damon and Gene Simmons. In fact, you know the number one liberal to turn against President Obama? Mitt Romney. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama said Friday Augusta National ought to allow women members. He added it's for the club to decide. If he has more respect for a golf club's membership rules than the authority of the Supreme Court, what do Republicans have against this guy? (Argus Hamilton) 

      Harvard Law School will soon offer a class called 'Understanding Obama, while Barnum & Bailey Clown College will offer a class called 'Understanding Biden'. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      U. S. POLITICS

      Obama is pushing the Warren Buffett Rule while Romney favors the Jimmy Buffett Rule which calls for people to start drinking Margaritas until they pass out. (Will Durst)

      THE REPUBLICANS 

      George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy. (Conan O'Brien)

      Dick Cheney, vice president under George W. Bush and avid hunter proficient with a 12-gauge, is reportedly doing well following his second heart transplant. Could be problems for him ahead, though. He was overheard asking his doctor, "What are these bolts protruding from my neck?" (Bob Mills)

      John McCain urged Rick Santorum to quit the GOP race Thursday. It was driving him nuts. McCain endured years of torture by the Vietnamese, but he can't listen to one more speech from Rick Santorum saying that Satan is the biggest threat facing the United States. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn't have one, he dropped out. (Jay Leno) 

      Rick Santorum has announced he is suspending his campaign; he called it suspending because he is too conservative to call it pulling out. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Rick Santorum has dropped out of the race. He wanted to ban gambling and outlaw pornography. And this is a guy who claims Mitt Romney is out of touch with America. (David Letterman)

      After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Now that Santorum is out of the race, that leaves Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul out there vying for the crackpot vote. (David Letterman)

      Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Newt Gingrich may be ineligible for the Utah presidential primary in June, because his $500 filing fee check bounced. But he still thinks voters will trust him to take a crack at lowering the nation’s $15 Trillion deficit. (Jim Barach)

      Newt Gingrich's campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn't have, maybe he really is qualified to be president. (Jay Leno).

      THE DEMOCRATS

      Democratic advisor Hilary Rosen caused a flap by saying Mitt Romney’s stay-at-home wife Ann “never worked a day in her life.” The real problem is that pretty much everyone who has graduated college since 2007 has never worked a day in their life. (Jim Barach)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Joe Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trail. His most recent update: "They still won't let me go on the campaign trail." (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Apparently as many as 12 Secret Service agents sent to provide security for Barack Obama in Columbia were relieved of duties and sent home after allegations of personal misconduct involving prostitutes. More unemployment to blame on Obama - these men would never have been fired if Bill Clinton were President. (Janice Hough)   

      The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government conference in Las Vegas. And the president is furious. Not President Obama, the president of China. It's his money. It's his money she spent. (Jay Leno)

      THE CONGRESS

      Florida Republican Representative Allen West says there are around 80 members of the Communist Party in the House. Apparently the way you tell who is a Communist is that instead of driving a pickup truck with a gun rack they are driving a Prius with a bike rack. (Jim Barach) 

      Florida Rep. Allen West said Tuesday at a town hall that he's "heard" as many as 80 House Democrats are communists. With Rick Santorum out of the Presidential race is West just trying to fill a void for the whack job contingent? (Janice Hough)

      Mass. Sen. Scott Brown has a new radio ad talking about his love of Fenway Park. Except that when Brown was a state representative, he was in support of replacing the 100 year old park and moving it to Foxboro. What is it with Massachusetts politicians? Should the state shoe be the flip flop? (Janice Hough) 

      LOCAL NEWS

      In Alabama, a meth lab was found operating inside a Walmart bathroom. On the bright side, Walmart is finally selling products that are made in America. (Conan O'Brien)

      A family has found an old stock certificate they claim gives them $130 Million worth of ownership in Coca-Cola. If it turns out to be true, they feel so lucky they will use the money to buy $130 Million in lottery tickets. (Jim Barach)

      A prostitute was arrested at McDonald’s for offering sex to an undercover agent for 2 cheeseburgers off the dollar menu. She used to charge a Big Mac Value Meal for sex but the current state of the economy just won’t allow it. (Steve Yeich) 

      A Pennsylvania town is considering limiting residents to holding no more than two yard sales a year. One for when they move into their home, the other for when it is foreclosed. (Jim Barach) 

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      A young entrepreneur has started a nude maid service in Texas. Unfortunately, the maids don’t do windows or clients. (Gary Bachman)

      A new CNBC poll says more U.S. homes have Apple products than married couples or children. Of course, spending time with Apple products probably decreases the chances of both marriage and children. (Janice Hough)

      Goldman Sachs announced it'll no longer advertise in the Village Voice. It's because the newspaper allows ads for prostitution. The investment bankers don't have anything against prostitution, it's just that they didn't like being right next to them in the classified ads. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Agriculture Department warned Friday that the U.S. faces a shortage of younger farmers. The secretary told reporters the average age of a farmer in New Mexico, Texas and Arizona is nearly sixty. The department should have factored in California where thanks to its perfect growing climate for marijuana the average age of a farmer is fifteen. (Argus Hamilton)

      TRANSPORTATION

      Allegiant Airlines has started charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. However, they never said anything about "Tied to me with a rope" bags. (Tim Hunter) 

      A Delta flight attendant was removed from a flight because he was acting unstable. He has now joined forces with the unstable JetBlue pilot and they’ve announced they are going to start their own crazy airline.. Steve Yeich) 

      A number of passengers recently discovered maggots in a bag of snack mix they were given aboard a flight from Los Angeles to Australia. How unbelievable is that? An airline that still serves snacks? (Jay Leno)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Serial killer Charles Manson was denied parole yesterday, effectively ending his bid for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination. With Mr. Manson no longer a contender, the path appears to be clear for former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney to become the party’s nominee. (Andy Borowitz)

      TERRORISM 

      The Obama administration has agreed to begin Guantanamo military trials for five 9/11 conspirators. Mr. Obama was against military tribunals because they allow evidence obtained through torture, but after 27 GOP presidential debates, he's developed a tolerance to torture. (Frank King)

      CANADA

      Today the Royal Canadian Mint announced they're getting rid of coins and paper money. They're developing something called the mint chip — which I thought, what, ice cream for money? (Craig Ferguson)

      EUROPE

      Call girls in Spain have reportedly stopped having sex with bankers to pressure them into lending to small businesses. Banks report rising interest and unprecedented withdrawals. (RJ Currie)

      The mayor of La Toba, Spain has banned burping, picking your nose, slurping your soup and a list of 62 other items he considered basic rules of politeness. The women in the town are up in arms about this because, apparently, men won’t be able to live there anymore. (Steve Yeich) 

      France's Tourism Ministry was caught trying to lure British tourists to France using ad photos of a beach in South Africa. They'll always draw tourists. The Louvre shows more breasts than any museum in the world except for the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE FAR EAST

      The White House warned North Korea that if it went ahead with a planned long-range missile test, the United States would withhold food aid from the nation. Unfortunately, Kim Jong-un has no incentive to call off the weapons test after learning the USAID high-nutrient biscuits aren't chocolate-dipped or sprinkle-covered. (Karen Vidal/The Onion)

      Kim Jung Un says that the missile's two minutes of flight was a complete success, and the underwater portion passed also! (Paul Benoit)

      SCIENCE

      Google invented a pair of glasses with embedded technology that projects data in the lenses in front of your eyes. It's just what we need. As if texting while driving was not dangerous enough, now people are going to be playing video games in their peripheral vision. (Argus Hamilton)

      Google announced they are making glasses that have embedded technology that projects data on the lenses in front of your eyes. Some people formed a group online to stop the new technology. An online group to stop new technology -- does anybody see the irony here? The protesters say Google is underestimating the dangers of merging man with machine. Well, they're a little late to stop that half-man, half-cyborg thing. They're already here. One of them just captured the Republican nomination. (Craig Ferguson)

      Researchers in Sweden have found a birdlike dinosaur that was just about lay its eggs when it died. Not to be confused with comedians who die AFTER they lay eggs. (Terry Etter)

      Hoboken, New Jersey amateur inventor Paul Sammut claims his new alarm clock will awaken even the soundest sleeper. The secret is the thing can't be turned off without entering a pin number which changes daily. He got the idea for his 'Ramos' clock from studying the cast of 'The View' whose tongues can't be silenced unless NBC enters a code that they seem to have forgotten. (Bob Mills)

      HEALTH

      A report says that despite warnings of melanoma, teens are still tanning in advance of their proms. Remember when parents only had to worry about their teens coming home from prom drunk or possibly pregnant? (Jim Barach)

      The FDA says warning labels on the hair restoration product Propecia will list sexual side effects. Which beats staying bald and having no chance at a sex life to begin with. (Jim Barach)

      A test shows that 48% of the chicken at grocery stores is infected with the E. Coli bacteria. Fortunately the other 52% were E. Coli free as the bacteria was destroyed by the salmonella. (Jim Barach)

      Pizza Hut has introduced a pizza that has a crust stuffed with hot dogs. The next step is to offer toppings of Snickers bars and Krispy Kreme donuts. (Jim Barach)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      An earthquake of 8.6 magnitude hit in the Indian Ocean; when informed, an American high school student said; "Excuse me, but that is not Indian Ocean, it is Native American Ocean." (Alex Kaseberg)

      SPORTS

      FOOTBALL

      NFL Magazine is folding after producing just four issues. Four-and-out? How fitting. (Dwight Perry) 

      An NFL cheerleader for the Cincinnati Bengals has been indicted for having sex with a teenage boy. While she’ll probably no longer be able to be a cheerleader she appears to have a great future as a teacher in the public school system. (Steve Yeich)

      BASEBALL

      Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he's apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez. (Jay Leno)

      Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen infuriated locals Sunday by saying he loves Fidel Castro. It's a tricky market in South Florida. If you want to fill the bleachers you praise Fidel Castro, and if you want to sell out the luxury boxes you praise Rush Limbaugh. (Argus Hamilton)

      Today was opening day at Dodger Stadium. Actually it was a little different this year. Instead of throwing out the first pitch, they threw out the last owner. (Jay Leno)

      Dodger announcer Vin Scully missed his first home opener in 35 years with a cold. Dodger fans missed listening to Scully on their car radios as they caught the first three innings driving to the game and the last three innings driving back home. (Jim Barach)

      The Kansas City Royals have declared May 5 "Pine Tar Day" — giving away 10,000 miniature pine-tar bats — in honor of George Brett's celebrated run-in with umpire Tim McClelland at Yankee Stadium in 1983. Perhaps this will start a trend. How about 'Corked Bat Day' in Chicago in honor of Sammy Sosa? Or 'Vaseline Night' to honor pitcher Gaylord Perry and his doctored baseball? Then there's 'Syringe Night.' Not limited to any specific team. (Len Berman)

      To accommodate the increasing incidence of peanut allergies among 
      kids, the Mets have sectioned off a 'peanut-free' zone of the bleachers where goobers will not be sold or eaten.  They got the idea from Yankee Stadium's 'bimbo-free' zone that has an alarm that goes off whenever Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Halle Berry or a Kardashian try to sit there. (Bob Mills)

      GOLF

      The Masters, the first major golf tournament of the year and probably the most prestigious, came down to a play-off. At one point a guy scored a double eagle. The only thing more rare at the Augusta golf club is a female member. (David Letterman)

      The membership committee at Augusta say they will still not admit women to the club. However, beginning next month they are going to start admitting effeminate men. (David Letterman)

      This year's green jacket at the Masters Golf Tournament went to Bubba Watson after he bested all-day scoreboard leader Louis Oosthuizen on the second hole of a sudden death playoff.  Bubba Watson is far from the best-known new star on the PGA tour and when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was informed by an aide that a Bubba had won the Masters, she said, "Really?  I didn't even know Bill played golf." (Bob Mills)

      The only differences between Bubba's shot and my game are my 40-yard hooks are never on purpose, and they are generally into, not out of, the woods. (Vod Kanockers)

      For only the fourth time in Masters Tournament history and the first since 1932, Louis Oosthuizen shot a double eagle two on the par-five third hole at Augusta National. What a well-deserved thrill for the club membership! The chances of carding a double at Augusta are about the same as sneaking a woman through the front gate. (Bob Mills)

      ATHLETES

      "Tiger has lost his mind," said CBS commentator Nick Faldo after Woods took himself out of the running at the Masters Tournament at Augusta National by angrily kicking his nine iron and carding a dismal 75. Seems like the only one who can handle a nine iron in the Woods family anymore is his ex, Elin Nordegren. (Bob Mills)

      I saw Tiger Woods' tantrum on the 16th hole at Augusta. It good to see Tiger still gets a kick out of golf. (RJ Currie)

      Bubba Watson won the Masters. Tiger Woods finished in 40th place. A lot of people picked Tiger to finish first, but it was his worst finish there since his start as an amateur. One more performance like that and they might demote him to miniature golf. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Lamar Odom left the Dallas Mavericks after a confrontation with Mark Cuban. You can’t blame him. If he wanted someone constantly nagging and complaining, he’d go home to Khloe’s family. (Alan Ray) 

      49-year-old Jamie Moyer is in the Colorado Rockies starting pitching rotation; you can tell Moyer is getting up there. They clock his pitches with a sundial. (Alex Kaseberg)  

      Freddy Garcia threw five wild pitches in 4-2/3 innings. Catcher Russell Martin is getting to personally know the fans behind home plate. (Ken Singleton)

      Ryan Fry, who some criticized for Newfoundland's poor showing at the Brier, was let go by Brad Gushue. This is known as going from the Fry pan into the firing. (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Fox has renewed 'Glee' for another season. The sappy musical comedy about the melodrama of high school is totally unrealistic. Not one of these kids is sleeping with a teacher. (Alan Ray)

      Last night Melissa Gilbert suffered a concussion on "Dancing With the Stars." It's the first time anyone connected with that show has actually seen stars. (Conan O'Brien)

      We had a new "Dancing With the Stars" tonight, an elimination night and Sherri Shepherd was evicted. I feel bad for her because not only is she off "Dancing With the Stars," but she has to go back to "The View." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Oprah Winfrey's longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a book about being proud of whom you are. It's not helping that the cover of the book says, "Written by Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend." (Conan O'Brien)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger did something interesting yesterday. On his Facebook page, he asked fans to give him ideas for things to write about in his autobiography. Apparently, he's unfamiliar with the auto part. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.