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Weakly Humerus News 04-07-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-07-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, What? Women
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 7 1:32 AM
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-07-12
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Mitt Romney is trying to get female voters and Rick Santorum said, "What? Women can vote? Are you kidding me?" (David Letterman) 

      Tomorrow night is the Jewish holiday of Passover. Or as we call it here in Los Angeles, 'Cinco de Matzo'. (Conan O'Brien)

      Hear about the Cape Cod urologist's Final Four special? Watch hoops, get a reduced-rate vasectomy and eat free pizza. No word whether, in keeping with the theme, he was charging by the slice. (Dwight Perry)

      Best Buy announced they're going to close stores in the United States while opening 50 new stores in China during the same time. Well, they say opening the stores in China will save shipping costs because all the stuff is made there anyway. (Jay Leno)

      Over 100 whiskered men marched on the White House demanding tax relief for facial grooming products. In short, they wanted hair cuts. (RJ Currie) 

      A beauty queen who used to be a man has been allowed to compete for Miss Universe Canada by Donald Trump. I give her credit for having the balls to do this. Oh wait. (Gary Bachman)

      An anti-abortion bill in Arizona would declare that pregnancy starts on the date of a women's last menstrual period. Heck, what's next, claiming pregnancy may start as soon as that second margarita? (Janice Hough) 

      The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane. (Jay Leno)

      A judge has ruled that kids in San Francisco can have toys with their Happy Meals. Mostly because playing with those toys is the only exercise most of them will get all day. (Jim Barach)

      An elephant escaped from an Ireland circus and ended up at a mall. My guess? it was looking for a pair of trunks. (RJ Currie)

      Jim Marshall, inventor of the rock and roll Marshall amplifier has died. He single-handedly took amplification from megahertz to mega HURTS! (Bill Williams)

      Reaction around the NFL to the Saints locker room audio: One - "That's despicable." Two - "Quick, burn OUR tapes." (Janice Hough)

      The Arkansas Supreme Court has declared that it is legal for teachers to have sex with 18-year-old students. And, it being Arkansas, if the student and teacher happen to be cousins, that's okay too. (Steve Yeich)

      Sunday is a holiday. The Easter Bunny will deliver the same thing to millions of children on that magical morning. Cavities. (Alan Ray)

      Soft-tosser Jamie Moyer is still pitching at age 49. The scouts no longer point the radar gun at him. They just count "one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi." (Jim Caple)

      An Anglican priest raising money for charity set a world record for the most continuous boxing rounds—120. His go-to punch? The cross. (RJ Currie)

      Rupert Murdoch's UK Sky News says that their computer hacking was "in the public interest." I think I like "I committed adultery because I felt so passionately about this country" better. (Janice Hough)

      Gas prices continue to rise. It’s changed the culture at the pump. The cap ain’t the only thing getting screwed.  (Alan Ray)

      THE MEGA-LOTTERY

      I always think it’s funny that people wait in line for hours and hours when it’s $640 million, but if it’s a hundred million, it’s not really worth it. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I read that the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot were only 1 in 176 million -- or as most people put it, "Well, yeah. That’s why I bought two." (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Mega Millions lottery jackpot made it to six hundred fifty-six million dollars before Friday's drawing. The odds against winning are insane. You're two hundred times more likely to be struck by lightning, especially if you say something bad about Tim Tebow. (Argus Hamilton)

      Three people have won the Mega Millions lottery. You know what that means -- three more votes for Mitt Romney. (Conan O'Brien)

      Welcome, lotto losers. Remember, you’re not just losers. You’re mega-losers! If it makes you feel any better, the odds of winning were 176 million to 1 -- about the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare. (Jay Leno)

      The Mega Millions jackpot added up to a record $656 million. Three people correctly picked all six numbers. Now the plan is to throw them into a pit of some kind and have them fight to the death. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      There were three winning lotto tickets. I guess we're not sure who the three winners are yet. But when they do come forward, two things happen immediately. You get a call from the IRS asking for half. Then you get a call from your friends and relatives asking for the other half. (Jay Leno)

      OBAMACARE --THE SUPREME COURT

      This was the week the Supreme Court heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court. (Bill Maher)

      The Supreme Court debated last week over whether the U.S. government has the right to mandate the purchase of health insurance. GOP reaction was predictable. Rick Santorum said he isn't opposed to man dates, but marriage is between a man and a woman. (Argus Hamilton)

      They made their decision but we will not hear about it until June. It's like an election in Florida. Apparently they have made the call and I don't want to bum you out but if you get cancer, put ice on it. And unfortunately, because of global warming, we're out of it. (Bill Maher)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      MITT ROMNEY

      Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they're not that excited about it. It's kind of like starting to accept that you're going to prom with your sister. (Jay Leno)

      John McCain urged Mitt Romney "not to rush to judgment" when picking his running mate. Gosh, wonder why he would say that? (Janice Hough) 

      I guess Mitt Romney staff played an April Fools' joke on him. They told him there was a run on the banks in the Cayman Islands. You should have seen his face. (Jay Leno)

      We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house. (Bill Maher)

      I'm not worried that this guy (Romney) is out of touch. I'm worried he's Batman. I could see Mitt as Batman. He hears about a robbery, he changes into the magic underwear, he rushes to the crime scene, and he helps the crooks manage their new money. (Bill Maher)

      Mitt Romney today accused President Obama of spending "too much time at Harvard." Now, Barack Obama spent three years at Harvard Law School. But Mitt himself got a JD/MBA at Harvard -- and it took him four years. Sounds like he's picking up Rick Santorum's disdain for math. (Janice Hough)

      Yesterday was April Fools’ Day. Mitt Romney’s staffers played a prank on him by staging a fake campaign event in an empty room -- or as Newt Gingrich put it, "My staff has been playing that prank on me for six months." (Jimmy Fallon)

      As a campaign trick, Mitt Romney passed out free sandwiches to Wisconsin voters. Nobody was fooled though, it was his usual ham on lie. (Bill Williams)

      Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the Wisconsin primary. He won the state of Wisconsin because of his pro-cheese position. (David Letterman)

      RICK SANTORUM

      Rick Santorum is refusing to drop out of the presidential race insisting that it's only 'halftime'. Halftime? Dude, football season ended in February, and if you don't get out of the way you're going to get hit with a line drive by Albert Pujols. (Frank King)

      Last night Mitt Romney went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington, D.C. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Rick Santorum went bowling with some friends and staffers today, and ended up with three strikes and two spares while scoring 145. So at least when faced with a bowling lane, Rick proved it was possible for him to go towards the center. (Janice Hough)

      Gay groups are upset because Rick Santorum wouldn't let a boy use a pink bowling ball. Maybe Rick just likes black balls, the bigger and heftier the better. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      NEWT GRIMRICH

      Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement. (Conan O'Brien)

      Despite being broke and coming in last in the polls, Newt Gingrich says he's in the race for the long haul, describing himself as 'the tortoise in the race'. The tortoise! See if he picks Donald Trump as his running mate they could be 'the tortoise and the hair'. (Jay Leno)

      Newt Gingrich's think tank is filing for bankruptcy. In other words, his think tank went in the tank. (Jim Barach)

      Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. In the beginning of last week he was charging people $50 to take a picture with him. Now he carries a sign that says, 'Will take pictures for food'. (Steve Yeich)

      Rick Santorum's campaign is now formally calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. But you know Newt. He has vowed to stay in. And believe me, when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he keeps it -- unless, of course, you know, marriage. (Jay Leno)

      THE OTHERS

      The earth's population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can't find one candidate they really like. (Jay Leno)

      Mario Rubio said this week "I'm not going to be the vice president," Is that a comment on running with Mitt Romney, or the likely outcome of the election? (Janice Hough) 

      A report says that Rick Perry was using painkillers to be able to get through the Republican debates. Coincidentally, painkillers were the only thing getting the audiences through the Republican debates. (Jim Barach)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he’s a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn’t qualify because he has a wife and a job. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal? (Jay Leno)

      It’s a holiday weekend. The White House Easter Egg hunt is reflective of the presidency. It's yet another example of the Obama Administration laying an egg. (Alan Ray)

      President Obama warned Tuesday the GOP-proposed budget will starve two million mothers and their children. People actually believed him. He added that bridges will fall, and now half the country won't drive over a river and half won't touch corn on the cob. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      The Chief of the GSA resigned amid allegations of excessive spending for a training conference at a luxury hotel that featured a mind reader, a clown and a comedian. Apparently they got the idea from the annual orientation sessions for Congress. (Jim Barach)

      THE CONGRESS

      A proposed bill would suspend passport rights to delinquent taxpayers. But why would anyone want to go to another country when they can get away without paying any taxes here? (Jim Barach)

      African-American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes? (Bill Maher)

      So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn't they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt? (Jay Leno) 

      New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand says that women will run Wall Street before running the White House. Up to this point, men have always run both. Right into the ground. (Jim Barach)

      House Republicans will propose tax deductions for small business on Tax Day. Some of them wanted to exclude massage parlors, dog tracks and porn shops but didn't have the votes. It's an election year and you can't be discriminating against popular businesses. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE COURTS

      The Supreme Court ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus. (Jon Stewart)

      THE STATES

      There is a strange new law making its way through the Arizona Legislature that would make it illegal to post negative comments on the Internet. The penalty for annoying or offending someone is up to six months in jail. That is good. They’re always saying the prisons aren’t full enough. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A bill proposed in Arizona would make it illegal to make annoying or offensive comments on the Internet. Which would put approximately 99% of the population behind bars. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A Colorado man has been sentenced for shooting a woman with a red Mohawk that he mistook for a bird. Which means Donald Trump had better be on his guard during squirrel season. (Jim Barach) 

      A freeway driver in L.A. was stopped while texting with a baby on her lap. Well someone had to be holding onto the steering wheel. (Jim Barach)

      THE ECONOMY

      U.S. student loan debt has surpassed both credit card and auto loan debt. Which is unfortunate because racking up debt with an auto loan and credit card is a thousand times more fun than spending it on a worthless college degree. (Jim Barach)

      TAXES 

      The Tax Foundation says that Americans work 107 days each year to pay all their taxes. Unless they make $1 Million or more, then it's more like 27 minutes. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Larry, the guy on the Quaker porridge box is getting a makeover --haircut, weight loss and younger look. He'll soon be feeling his oats. (RJ Currie)

      Van Gogh Vodka announced a new Peanut Butter and Jelly vodka. If James Bond wasn't dead, this just killed him. (Janice Hough)

      Wells Fargo has opened a new investment business for the ultra wealthy who have at least $50 Million to invest. Because what better place to invest $50 Million than a bank that needed a $25 Billion bailout from the government to keep from going bankrupt? (Jim Barach)

      Goldman Sachs sold their shares in the New York paper 'Village Voice' because its back page has ads for prostitution. Goldman Sachs said the only people that should pay to get screwed are their clients. (Conan O'Brien)

      For the first time, Starbucks fans will be able to create Vanilla Crème, Chocolate Crème and Green Tea Frappuccinos in the privacy of their own home via a new single-cup coffee-maker called the 'Verismo'. To  simulate the complete Starbuck's experience as closely as possible, the machine won't work until you insert $6.75 in the slot provided. The deluxe model comes with free wi-fi. (Bob Mills)

      TRANSPORTATION

      A report says the Chevy Volt will pay for itself with gas savings after 27 years. Mostly because during that time it will actually be drivable for about six months. (Jim Barach) 

      A Massachusetts company has developed a prototype for a flying car. Gee, I wonder if Mitt Romney’s dog minds high altitudes. (Gary Bachman)

      Today Allegiant Airlines will start charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. Meanwhile, JetBlue is charging $35 extra if you want a pilot who isn't insane. (Conan O'Brien)

      Last week a JetBlue pilot had a meltdown on a flight to Las Vegas. But there is a happy ending, the post office has now offered him a job. (Steve Yeich)

      Jet Blue passengers subdued a pilot who had a breakdown in mid-air. He ran down the aisle screaming about al-Qaeda and Jesus, and begging the passengers to pray for their very lives. He was wrestled to the ground and given a talk show on Fox News. (Argus Hamilton)  

      A Delta Airlines flight attendant was removed from a plane this morning because he was acting unstable. He was saying crazy stuff you never hear on a Delta flight, like "Prepare for an on-time arrival."
      The Delta flight attendant was removed for acting unstable, but on the bright side he was immediately hired as a pilot for JetBlue. (Jimmy Fallon)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Bad news for George Zimmerman of Florida, everyone still hates him for killing a teenager over Skittles. The bright side for him, he just won the Hunger Games. (Bill Maher)

      George Zimmerman's family has been all over TV this week. The dad told Fox News that the real problem is so much hate coming from Obama. You know what, man. Obama has drones and Seal Team Six. If he hated you, you'd know about it. (Bill Maher)

      A security breach at Global Payments, a credit card payment processor for Visa, MasterCard, American Express and Discover, was first reported potentially to have exposed 10 million card holders. Now the company says it believes less than 1.5 million credit card numbers were stolen. Well, then, we all should feel so much better now? (Janice Hough)

      TERRORISM 

      Osama bin Laden was so wealthy that one of his houses had an elevator for his camels. (David Letterman)

       Osama bin Ladin lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide. (David Letterman)

      CANADA

      In Alberta, donkeys are increasingly being used to guard sheep and cattle. The idea came from the NHL, where jackasses often work as enforcers. (RJ Currie)

      MEXICO

      President Obama and Mexico's President Felipe Calderon discussed border violence at the White House. The visit is a ritual. Once a year the U.S. president goes to Mexico to visit our jobs and once a year the president of Mexico comes to the U.S. to visit his people. (Argus Hamilton)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      British Prime Minister David Cameron called out the army to break the strike by oil tanker drivers. It has pushed gas prices to ten dollars a gallon in Britain. Last night Queen Elizabeth made her husband take the horse-drawn carriage to the 7-Eleven to get the gin. (Argus Hamilton)

      EUROPE

      Hospital pharmacists in Italy are reportedly protesting the government's privatization of healthcare by refusing to dispense Viagra. So far, opposition to the protest hasn't been stiff. (RJ Currie)

      Russia is developing a gun that turns people into zombies. The gun has already been successfully tested on Mitt Romney. (Gary Bachman) 

      HEALTH

      Statistics show that Americans are cutting back on prescription drugs and visits to the doctor. Mostly because prescription drugs and visits to the doctor used to be paid by the health insurance they no longer have. (Jim Barach)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Spring time approaches. You can always tell when the weather is better in Massachusetts. Mitt Romney straps his dog to the top of his golf cart. (Alan Ray)

      SPORTS

      GOLF --THE MASTERS

      The Masters begins in Georgia. What’s considered out of bounds at Augusta National Country Club? Asking membership for a woman. (Alan Ray)

      President Obama and Mitt Romney say that Augusta National Golf Club should admit women as members. To which Augusta National says right after they see one in the Oval Office. (Jim Barach)

      Mitt Romney says that Augusta should admit women members. Great. So who says the GOP is anti-female. At least Mitt supports the rights of rich women to pay $10,000 yearly dues to play golf. (Janice Hough)

      John Daly plans to spend Masters week at the Augusta Hooters Well, that's one club in town that doesn't exclude women. (Greg Connors)

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