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Weakly Humerus News 03-31-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-31-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 31, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-31-12


      Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together. (Jay Leno)

      The Saints are the Aints again, as in Aint got a head coach, Aint got a GM, Aint got $500,000 and Aint got two draft picks. (Clark Judge) 

      It's sure easier to stay on a healthy diet now that chocolate, red wine, and coffee have all been proven to help prevent heart disease and strokes. (Stan Kegel)  

      My friend asked if I had big plans for observing Richter Scale Day on April 26. I said, "I'm not planning anything too earth shaking." (Nancy Jo Perdue) 

      Researchers have found that Mississippi is the most religious state. It is also the fattest state. So I guess this means Mississippi has to keep letting out its Bible Belt. (Gary Bachman)

      Kim Kardashian got flour dumped on her at a Hollywood event. What's the big deal? She's already rolling in dough. (RJ Currie)

      On the Texas Rangers' $26 hot dog topped with chili, sauteed onions and shredded cheese: "Hey, these days, do you know a cheaper way to get gas?" (Steve Schrader)

      The Final Four meet in New Orleans this weekend. The Kentucky Wildcats specialize in the no look pass. Somehow they can pass a class without looking at a book. (Alan Ray) 

      Obama has made a new campaign promise to actually DO something rather than to just give speeches about doing something. Of course, so far he's only giving speeches about it. (Steve Yeich)

      Wes Welker, Clay Matthews and Demarcus Ware have to wear adult diapers. The three NFL superstars have signed on as pitchmen for the Depend Real Fit Briefs for Men, as part of a charity campaign benefiting the Jimmy V Foundation. (Bleacher Report)

      NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he believes the New Orleans Saints were the only team with a bounty program. Makes sense, just like Bud Selig acted like Barry Bonds was the only star steroid user in baseball. (Janice Hough) 

      Carnegie Deli in New York City just unveiled its Tebow sandwich, a 3-pound monstrosity that costs $22.22. Or, for you cost-conscious Jets fans, just order up a Rex Ryan. You simply take off your shoe, put your foot in your mouth and dab on the mustard. (Dwight Perry)

      In a matter of just ten days, 64 sweaty, heavy-breathing groups of athletes have been whittled down to just 4. But, enough about Kim Kardashian’s search for another husband. (Jerry Perisho)

      If Bonnie and Clyde had been pursued by the Sanford, Florida Police Department, the couple would have died of old age. ohn Wilkes Booth would have spent his last days in a retirement home in Boca Raton. Lee Harvey Oswald would have wound up tending bar in Argentina. (Mark Russell) 


      Dick Cheney is recovering after receiving a heart transplant. The medical community was confused. In order to get a heart transplant, didn't you have to have one to begin with? (Jim Barach)

      Former V.P. Dick Cheney, 71, is recovering after successful heart-transplant surgery. It was the longest recorded instance of someone surviving so long without one. (Janice Hough)

      Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn't waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney's current heart. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Former Vice President Dick Cheney got a heart transplant over the weekend. So far, no one is demanding to see the birth certificate of the donor. (Jerry Perisho)

      Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off. (David Letterman)

      Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries. (Jay Leno)-

      Dick Cheney just had a heart transplant. I suppose that he had to pay extra because he didn’t have an old one to use as a trade-in. (Jerry W.)

      Former Vice President Dick Cheney has received a heart transplant, but hospital officials confirmed former President George W. Bush remained on a waiting list for a brain. (Andy Borowitz)  

      Dick Cheney had a heart transplant. As soon as he's well enough he's going to search for the Wizard of Oz and the hope is he can get a brain and some courage, so he can deal with people without waterboarding them, and then he might actually become a whole person. (Steve Yeich)

      This weekend former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice, they let him shoot the donor himself. (Jay Leno)

      Former U.S. vice-president Dick Cheney had a heart transplant last week. He expects to be back shooting lawyers in no time. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Dick Cheney is recovering well after a heart transplant; he is breathing well but quite loudly out of that Darth Vader mask and chest plate. (Alex Kaseberg)

      I'm thinking that he’s likely to be unhappy with the Bush he had to carry around for eight years, maybe he’ll replace that as well. And if Cheney can get a heart installed, perhaps 'W' can pick up a low milage brain somewhere, but again we have to deal with no trade-in. (Jerry W.)

      Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare. (David Letterman)

      This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents. (Conan O'Brien) 


      Poised to break all previous records, this year's March Madness will generate an estimated $600 million in television and ad revenue for the colleges and universities with a team in the hunt. And you thought you made a killing winning that cool $20 in the office pool. (Bob Mills)

      As we approach the Final Four, many outside the state may not realize just how much Louisville and U. Kentucky hate each other. In fact, there hasn't been so much animosity in Kentucky since two brothers both wanted to marry their same sister. (Janice Hough)

      Well, we're finally down to the final four. And besides Newt Gingrich supporters, the NCAA semi-finals are Saturday. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Final Four takes place this weekend in New Orleans. Louisville is the Cinderella team this year. Of course, they’re not wearing glass slippers cuz they’re under contract with Nike. (Alan Ray) 

      The Louisville-Kentucky Final Four match-up has been called the biggest war in the state since the days of Robert E. Lee. Except this one is less civil. (RJ Currie)

      Kentucky and Louisville basketball fans got into a fight at a kidney dialysis center. They are passionate about their teams. The only place you can be sure not to run into fans of Kentucky and Louisville is at a dentist's office. (Jim Barach)

      A Kentucky fan put an ad on Craigslist offering his wife in exchange for tickets to see Kentucky play in New Orleans. I don't want to say this guy is a hick, but he is also throwing in his sister. Turns out his wife and sister are one in the same. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A Maine urologist was offering free pizza during March Madness with every vasectomy. Pizza and vasectomies don't usually go together. Come to think of it, neither do basketball and birth control. (RJ Currie)

      President Obama's NCAA-tournament bracket at ESPN.com ranked in the top 2 percent entering the Sweet 16, I guess it helps when you can send the CIA in to scout the teams. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Former Maryland coach Gary Williams told Washington radio station he thought the Kentucky Wildcats could beat the NBA's Washington Wizards. Heck, these days the Washington Generals could beat the Washington Wizards. (Janice Hough)

      What can you say about the uniforms Baylor sported during March Madness? If real bears were that color, even Vegas wouldn't give them odds of surviving hunting season. (RJ Currie)


      Jeremy Lin now says he “absolutely” believes divine intervention was at work in creating “Lin-sanity.” Which is basically what Tim Tebow says about his own success last fall. So what’s up now? Is God scouting MLB spring training for His/Her next project? (Janice Hough)  

      Popular quarterback Tim Tebow was traded Wednesday from the Denver Broncos to the New York Jets. So now, the Jets have two quarterbacks who can’t throw. (Jerry Perisho)

      How about Tim Tebow going to the New York Jets? There hasn't been this much fuss about a guy and a big apple since Adam got kicked out of Eden. (RJ Currie)

      The New York Jets are saying Tim Tebow is welcome to assume his trademark kneel, especially if sticks out his knee when the other team is running down the sideline with the ball. (TC Chong) 

      Yesterday was a crazy day for Tim Tebow. They said he was with the Jets, then they said there was a snag, he might not be. Then they said he could go with the Rams or with the Jaguars. The last two days he's been traded back and forth more than Rod Blagojevich on that first night in prison. (Jay Leno)

      Tim Tebow will be bringing his holier than though attitude to the New York Jets, which has an offense with a lot of holes in it, so it should be a good match. (Steve Yeich)

      Tim Tebow is headed for the New York Jets; hey Tim, in New York, when you think you hear somebody talking in tongues, it is just a thick Long Island accent. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Tim Tebow was welcomed at Jets headquarters Friday where the team assigned Tim a chaperone to help him adjust to New York. He'll find the churches breathtaking. There was only one statue of the Blessed Virgin where he went to school in Florida and it's of him. (Argus Hamilton)

      Tim Tebow makes people do some ridiculous and often unexplainable things. He can turn evangelists into hitmen — Pat Robertson put a curse on the Denver Broncos last week — and normal fans into ravenous, irrational monsters. (Justin Barney)

      Tim Tebow is a member of the New York Jets. He's a nice guy, good-looking young kid, religious, clean-cut guy, moves to New York City. What could possibly go wrong? (David Letterman)

      Tim Tebow held a nationally televised press conference Monday in New York. Even his press conference was good for sales. Wall Street bars have a drinking game where you drink one shot every time he mentions Jesus and two shots every time he says blessed. (Argus Hamilton)

      Starting Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez is expected to set a record as the first quarterback to take every snap during a season while looking over his shoulder. (Brad Dickson)

      Apparently Tim Tebow is looking for a house in the same neighborhood where Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez lives. It's right at the intersection of Awkward and Yikes. (Jimmy Fallon)

      After two anti-Tebow tweets, New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie now says Tim can help after all. Did he get a message from God, or Jets management? (Janice Hough)

      A strip club in New York is offering to give Tim Tebow his first lap dance for free. It'll be the first time where the customer is the one who keeps yelling "No touching." (Jimmy Fallon)


      Mitt Romney got a big endorsement this week. The bad news: It was from Etch-A-Sketch. (Jay Leno)

      Jeb Bush has come out and endorsed Mitt Romney. He said it was the hardest decision he's had to make since endorsing his brother, George W. (Jay Leno)

      Bill Maher had it exactly right; he said that Mitt Romney has changed positions more often than a pornographic movie queen, Prompting immediate demands for an apology -- from porn movie queens. (Arlen Specter) 

      Rick Santorum said you aren't a real Republican until you've sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said "Heck!" (Conan O'Brien)

      IPads and laptop computers were stolen from aides to Mitt Romney. At least the thieves thought they were stealing iPads and laptops but it turns out they were just the staff's collection of Etch A Sketches. (Jim Barach)

      Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie "Schindler's List." (Conan O'Brien)

      Mitt Romney's adviser actually compared him to an Etch A Sketch — and because of that, Etch A Sketch sales jumped 1,500 percent. Or as Disney put it, "Any way you can compare Romney to a ticket to 'John Carter?'" (Jimmy Fallon) 


      In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2012 GOP presidential race, Rick Santorum today named Jesus Christ as his vice presidential running mate.  Santorum has made an increasing number of comments about his relationship with Jesus in recent speeches, but few Republican insiders expected him to announce that he was anointing Christ as his vice presidential pick. This could be huge for Santorum. Among Republican voters, Jesus Christ is even more popular than Ronald Reagan. If the Santorum-Christ ticket makes it all the way to the White House, it could be historic in more ways than one: If Santorum is elected and something happens to him while in office, we would be looking at our first Jewish president. (Stephen Colbert) 

      Rick Santorum said he's not an Etch-A-Sketch. He said what you see is what you get, and also because turning the two knobs is a little too much like playing with boobies. (Bill Maher)

      A recent survey showed that Rick Santorum is the favorite GOP candidate among Republican women. When he heard that, Santorum was like, "Wait! Women have the right to vote?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Rick Santorum, talking about his opposition: "If they're going to be a little different, we might as well stay with what we have instead of taking a risk of what may be the Etch A Sketch candidate for the future." When this campaign is over, Santorum may have a job waiting for him - on the Committee to Re-Elect the President. (Janice Hough)

      Rick Santorum vows to crack down on internet porn. So, not only has he pissed off females, apparently he’s willing to write off the male vote as well. (Will Durst)

      Rick Santorum said he's not an Etch-A-Sketch. He said what you see is what you get, and also because turning the two knobs is a little too much like playing with boobies. (Bill Maher)

      Rick Santorum gave a speech at the Jelly Belly factory in California. Incidentally, "Jelly Belly Factory" was also Newt Gingrich's nickname in college. (Jimmy Fallon)

      This fear of “pink slime” has reached all the way into the political arena. Rick Santorum has been advised to never wear his sweater vest without a shirt (Bill Williams) 

      Rick Santorum now said Sunday that Mitt Romney is "the worst Republican in the country to put up against Barack Obama." Think the odds on Rick and Mitt being running mates are now officially worse than those of the Cubs winning the World Series. (Janice Hough) 


      I'm staying in the race because I believe we ought to have a conservative who's serious, who's had national achievements and who doesn't write his policy on an Etch A Sketch and zig-zag back and forth wildly. (Newt Gingrich)

      Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives. (Jay Leno)

      Newt Gingrich is laying off about 1/3 of his staff. And no doubt he will blame the resulting unemployment increase on Obama. (Janice Hough)

      A report in the New York Times says that Newt Gingrich is “trimming his staff”. Some people believe that if Newt spent less of his energy on 'Trim' and his 'Staff', he could have been president years ago. (Jerry W.)

      Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him. (David Letterman)

      Newt Gingrich's campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. And for $100 you can get one without Newt. (Conan O'Brien)

      Newt Gingrich was charging $50 for a photo with him at a fundraiser. What was worse is that his wife Callista was charging $100 for a photo with her Tiffany jewelry. (Jim Barach)

      Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Newt Gingrich today said he's jealous because the only toy he ever gets compared to is a dildo. (Bill Maher)

      Newt Gingrich apparently met secretly with Mitt Romney on Saturday. It could have been to talk about the race. Or maybe since Newt has been married now to his third wife Callista for 12 years, he just missed having secret meetings. (Janice Hough)

      Facing almost insurmountable odds of landing the GOP presidential nomination, Newt Gingrich is hoping for a brokered convention – his only possibility of success. To this end, he has pared his staff down to the bare essentials. Campaign manager, gone. PR guy, gone. No one was spared. Callista is now wifeing part-time – three hours in the afternoons, no weekends. (Bob Mills)


      Kris Humphries wants $7 million from Kim Kardashian in a divorce settlement. Her side has evidence of cruelty. He made her sit through Nets games. (Alan Ray) 

      Kim Kardashian was flour bombed on the red carpet in West Hollywood on Thursday night. She should be used to white substances being dumped on her. The flour was quickly removed and Kardashian returned to the red carpet. This marks the second time Kardashian has been de-floured. (Gary Bachman)

      Reality TV star Kim Kardashian got “flour bombed” during a publicity event over the weekend. Covered in white dust, it looked a lot like her head had exploded. (Jerry Perisho)

      There was someone who dumped flour on Kim Kardashian. Kim was stunned. She had gone her entire life without anything white on her body. (Alex Schubert)

      Kim Kardashian was flour-bombed by a protester when she arrived at a club in L.A. to promote her new perfume. She just laughed and walked inside covered in white powder. She got a huge cheer when she entered the room before everyone realized it was just flour. (Argus Hamilton)

      Kim Kardashian says she may press charges against the woman who dumped flour over her at a public event. Apparently Kardashian was mad it wasn't the same shade as her makeup powder. (Jim Barach)

      Supposedly, Kim Kardashian is thinking of adopting a child. A lot of teenage boys in orphanages are asking if she'll be breast feeding. (Steve Yeich)


      The Pope visited Cuba yesterday and witnessed a miracle. Fidel Castro is still breathing. (Jay Leno)

      The Pope met with Fidel Castro yesterday. As you know, the Pope is the world's most recognized religious figure, not counting Tim Tebow. (Jay Leno)

      Pope Benedict XVI has commissioned his own cologne. The cologne is just a bottle of tears from the altar boys that have been molested. (Alex Schubert)  

      Pope Benedict XVI, visiting Cuba for the first time in 14 years, was met at the Santiago Airport by Cuban President Raul Castro.  He then visited Santiago de Cuba, and said a papal Mass in the Sanctuary of Cuba's patron saint, the Virgin of Charity of El Cobre. Relations warmed visibly between the pope and officials of the Marxist government when he replaced the usual incense with a Cuban cigar. (Bob Mills)

      The Pope just concluded a visit to Cuba. He didn’t bring the Popemobile so he rode in a ’72 Chevy Nova. (Gary Bachman) 

      Pope Benedict XVI has called for an end to the U.S. trade embargo with Cuba. Apparently his cardinals and bishops in the U.S. are tired of having to go out of the country to get their Cuban cigars. (Jim Barach)

      At the start of his tour of Latin America, Pope Benedict XVI arrived in Guanajuato, Mexico and was greeted by Mexico's President Felipe Calderon. There was some delay in the pontiff's scheduled arrival caused according to a papal spokesman by the pilot's difficulty recognizing the airport through the plane's stained glass windshield. (Bob Mills)

      Pope Benedict was welcomed to Mexico by huge crowds when he arrived in Mexico City Friday. The feminists aren't happy. They say the last thing they need is another bachelor running around Mexico during spring break who doesn't believe in birth control. (Argus Hamilton)

      Pope Benedict XVI spent the weekend in Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Señor Frog's. He's been doing it since he was in college. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a "clown show." That's as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Seems Mitt Romney is going to get the nomination. That brings to mind the question of why we still have the other candidates. Rick Santorum wants to keep raising awareness for conservative issues. Newt Gingrich wants to stay in the public eye and sell more books. And Ron Paul doesn't want to return to his old life of panning for gold. (David Letterman)

      Then he held up the Etch-A-Sketch and Sarah Palin said, "Hey, give me back my 'iPad'." (Bill Maher)

      Ron Paul said it's still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That's like Newt Gingrich saying it's too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model. (Jimmy Fallon)


      There are reports that John Edwards visited a brothel here in New York while running for president and paid with campaign funds. Do you realize what this could do to his reputation? Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing to that man's reputation. (Jimmy Fallon)

      John Edwards denied allegations he had any involvement with one of the high-class hookers working for alleged Manhattan Madam Anna Gristina during his presidential bid in 2007. Edwards says on the day in question he was having sex with his mistress while his wife was getting cancer treatment. (Cam Hutchinson)
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