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The Comedy Wire News 02-29-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    The Comedy Wire COMEDY WIRE NEWS 02-29-12 By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth =-=-=-=-=-= I Thought Babies Weighed A Lot More
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 29, 2012
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      COMEDY WIRE NEWS 02-29-12
      By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth 


      I Thought Babies Weighed A Lot More These Days

      Jesters Diner in Norfolk, England, is offering a dish called the Kidz Breakfast. It includes 12 strips of bacon; 12 sausages; six fried eggs plus an eight-egg cheese and potato omelette; four slices each of toast, fried bread, buttered bread and British black pudding; two servings of hash browns; plus mushrooms, tomatoes and beans. It has 6,000 calories and is about three days' food for the average person. It's served on a 2-1/2-square-foot plate, and weighs 9 lbs, over a pound more than the average newborn baby. The diner owners say it's just a "bit of fun," and an attempt to break the record for largest restaurant breakfast. It costs $22 (US), but it's free if you can finish it alone in under an hour. Health advocates say there's a slight chance that could actually kill someone and are demanding it be withdrawn. But so far, nobody's come near finishing it. 

      My problem with it is that it would be really hard to eat while driving to work. 


      Kidney Stones

      Women's rights activists in Luchow, Germany, are demanding that the urinals be removed from the men's room at a local Rolling Stones museum. The urinals are shaped like the Stones' famous red lips logo, only without the tongue. A spokeswoman said that without the tongue, the lips look more feminine, and "that's discrimination against women." Ironically, that urinal was designed by a female Dutch artist. The owner, a local banker and Stones memorabilia collector, replied, "That's not a man's mouth or a woman's mouth, that's art. They were damned expensive, and they're staying where they are, and that's final." 

      In other words, the women's rights activists can't get no satisfaction.

      My question: How do these women know what the urinals are like in the men's room?


      Little Debbie Is Joe Camel In A Dress!

      Two doctors used the journal Nature to argue that the government should step in and regulate sugar the way it regulates tobacco and alcohol. They say 35 million people a year die from chronic diseases caused by tobacco, alcohol and obesity; and like the other two, sugar is toxic and addictive, it negatively impacts society, there's potential for abuse, and it's unavoidable because it's everywhere. So to save lives and health care costs, the government should regulate sugar in ways similar to tobacco and alcohol, including taxes, age restrictions and other policies. The Sugar Association disputed their science and said they're confident Americans are perfectly capable of choosing the right foods without having unreasonable bans and regulations imposed on them. 

      All I can say is that if they take away my snack cakes, I'm really gonna need a cigarette.


      It’s Her "F--- You" Money

      The women of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch legal brothel in Carson City, Nevada, not only endorsed Ron Paul, they put their money where their mouths are. Saturday, they caucused for Paul in the brothel’s parlor, where they set up a Paul donation box. One working girl said she is "pimpin’ for Paul" because of his positions on individual liberties and states’ rights. She’s even donating 10 percent of her weekly earnings to his campaign. 

      Giving 10 percent of your hooker proceeds to a politician is the brothel version of tithing. 


      Hot Ass

      Police in Cheshire, England, released video footage of a bumbling arsonist Michael Morgan, who was seen bicycling to the door of a pub and pouring gasoline through the mail slot on the door. He then tossed in a match and turned to run. But the doorway exploded, shooting flames through the slot and igniting Morgan’s butt as he tried to flee. The pub suffered minimal damage. Morgan got 2-1/2 years in jail. The pub owner said he was glad police released the footage, because now Morgan would always be remembered as “the clown on the bike who set himself on fire.” 

      He will forever be the butt of jokes. 


      China Has Less Paperwork And More Soy Sauce

      A mom in Raeford, North Carolina, says her four-year-old daughter’s homemade sack lunch was targeted by the school nutrition police. It was a turkey and cheese sandwich, banana, apple juice and potato chips. A state inspector said she also needed a vegetable. She was allowed to eat the home lunch, but also given a full school lunch that included a vegetable. Ironically, she was so scared by all the pressure, the only thing she ate was the chicken nuggets. Also, being four, she hates vegetables and still didn’t eat them. Now, despite the mother telling them to stop, the school keeps giving the girl vegetables she throws away. They say that’s based on federal guidelines. The mom is afraid she’ll start being charged for food the girl won’t eat and there’ll be a legal battle. The girl’s grandmother asked, "This isn’t China, is it?" 

      Of course not! They clean their plates there because kids are starving in China!


      Charlie Sheen-Approved!

      The makers of Wodka vodka are under fire from community leaders in the Bronx, New York, over a billboard they erected in the Hunts Point neighborhood. The message is that Wodka vodka is both top quality and cheap. The billboard reads, "Escort Quality, Hooker Pricing." Local leaders say it’s offensive and hurtful because they’ve been trying for a decade to revamp Hunts Point and overcome its reputation as a place to pick up hookers. 

      Obviously, they’ve been unsuccessful. 

      They finally got the hookers to start calling themselves "escorts," and now this happens. The billboard is insulting to the local hookers, who charge enough to buy two bottles of cheap vodka.


      Emphasis On “Dog”

      Sinead O’Connor, who is now 45, says that posing for Playboy is on her “bucket list.” She said when she was younger, she was "too miserable and Irish," but now, she likes the idea of posing nude, and also doing an interview about a serious topic like the economy in "weird sex gear." She said, "You can talk about serious issues while you’re naked, on all fours, in your dog collar!" 

      That’s how Bill Clinton conducted all his Cabinet meetings. 

      I think we’ve finally found the pictorial that could turn Hugh Hefner gay. But, to be fair, she’d be just about as good at posing nude as she would be at discussing the economy.


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