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Weakly Humerus News 02-18-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-18-12 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK A liberal, a conservative and a moderate walk into a bar. The bartender says, Hi,
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 18, 2012
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-18-12


      A liberal, a conservative and a moderate walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hi, Mitt!" (Paul Benoit)

      Some people don't want the government to spend any money. Funding to fix highways? "Hit the road!" Reduce teen pregnancies? "Screw it!" Alzheimer's research? "Forget about it!" (Terry Etter)

      Opinions are deeply divided on Kate Upton's bikini on the SI Swimsuit Issue cover. I say it's really something; my wife says it's really nothing. (RJ Currie)

      A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway. (Jay Leno)

      On Tuesday President Barack Obama called New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin to congratulate him on his Super Bowl victory. He tried to call the Patriots too, but the call was dropped. (Seth Meyers)

      An Olympic swimmer proposed to his girlfriend from the medal stand following a race. Apparently he won her over with his skill in the breast stroke. (Jim Barach)

      The New York Mercantile Exchange reported soaring oil prices, sending gas prices into orbit Tuesday. It's awful out west. L.A. gas station pumps have video screens on top that run porn films so customers won't feel like they are the only ones getting screwed at the pump. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Lebron James said he could see himself back in Cleveland some day. And some fans in Miami are upset. Seems like James' idea of a long-term committed relationship might be the same as Newt Gingrich's. (Janice Hough) 

      One of the awards at this week's Westminster Dog Show went to Martha Stewart's chow chow named Genghis Khan. What a cute couple--Genghis Khan and ex-con. (Tim Hunter)

      What, Randy Moss might succeed Plaxico Burress as a Jets wideout? Makes perfect sense. Replace a player known for shooting himself in the leg with a player known for shooting himself in the foot. (Jim Stallings)

      A Michigan doctor has used part of a woman's shoulder blade to reconstruct her voice box. In order so that she could laugh again, he had to use a part of her humerus. (Jim Barach)

      The Beach Boys, celebrating 50 years in the business, were honored at the Grammy Awards. There were a few telltale signs that ol' Father Time has taken his toll, though -- like surf boards with safety rails... IV tubes that outnumber the guitar cords... and the lyric change from "I get around" to "I barely get around." (Bob Mills)

      Apparently one of the people involved in lobbying Maryland state lawmakers for marriage equality is Dick Cheney. No doubt someone in the GOP will be soon be dismissing the former V.P. as a flaming liberal like his old pal Clint Eastwood. (Janice Hough)

      Pennsylvania's Shippensburg College is selling morning-after birth control pills from a vending machine. The machine offers morning-after pills, condoms, cold medicine and candy. With a pull of the lever you can make love, make meth or lure a minor into your car. (Argus Hamilton)


      Contraception is back in the news, Planned Parenthood -- issues that have been real losers for Republicans in the past, especially with women. Makes Republicans lose their votes, makes them seem out of touch, but they say, "We'll worry about that when women get the vote." (Bill Maher)

      Foster Friess, the wealthy patron of the pro-Rick Santorum super PAC, dismisses the idea that birth-control coverage matters. “On this contraceptive thing, my gosh it’s such inexpensive,” he said. “You know, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.” His message was clear: Ladies, keep your legs closed! (Michelle Goldberg)

      Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don't need birth control, you are birth control. (Bill Maher)

      Santorum and Romney, they don't like condoms because sex should all be about making babies. And Newt Gingrich doesn't like them because they're hard for a fat guy to put on in a car. (Bill Maher)

      Rick Santorum is pontificating on birth control these days, and said yesterday that it "only costs a few dollars," and "serves no economic need." Uh, do we really expect a man to be an expert on birth control who has seven children?  (Janice Hough)

      I'm all for freedom of speech and religion but hearing the Catholic bishops talk about their "serious moral concerns" about President Obama's birth control compromise makes me wonder where this outrage was when the pedophilia scandals first came to light. (Janice Hough) 

      Rick Santorum saying that birth control "only costs a few dollars." Really? Figure a man with seven children would know as much about the price of birth control as Mitt Romney would know about which airline has the best coach class seats. (Janice Hough)

      Shippensberg College in Pennsylvania installed a vending machine that dispenses the morning-after pill. As opposed to USC who's cafeterias serve morning after pill omelets and waffles. (Alex Kaseberg)

      President Obama said a woman shouldn't have to decide between birth control and buying food. How many guys would make this deal? You buy the birth control and we'll spring for dinner. That seems fair. (Jay Leno)

      The solution Republican lawmakers are proposing to overturn Obama's decision on the birth-control rule calls for the passage of a bill that would exempt from the health-care law any employer who wishes to claim any moral or conscientious objection to any portion of the bill. Under this proposed law, employers would not only be able refuse to include birth control advise or condoms in their insurance plans, but also could offer pregnancy coverage only to women who are married if they have a moral or conscientious objection to women having children out of wedlock. "It is the reason why people came to the United States of America 200-plus years ago," insists Rep. Ann Marie Buerkle (R-N.Y.) in support of the legislation. (Stan Kegel)

      Another thought about this birth control controversy. If religious institutions can deny coverage for sometinng they believe is immoral, why not deny coverage for STD's for both sexes, especially unmarried men as well as women, since they shouldn't be doing anything to get such a disease? (Janice Hough)

      The Oklahoma state senate has passed a personhood bill that defines an embryo as a legal person. Beyond abortion, it would outlaw forms of contraception, like the IUD and birth-control pills which prevent fertilized eggs from implanting in the uterus. It would also outlaw in vitro fertilization as currently practiced, since it results in embryos being frozen or destroyed. What's next? To take the right to vote away from women as it was not allowed by our founding fathers. (Stan Kegel)


      New York Knick phenomenon, Jeremy Lin, has led the Knicks to 7 wins in a row and created a craze called Linsanity. Don't confuse Linsanity with Mitt-mania. That is a phenomenon caused by not scoring in the primaries. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The new sports phenom, New York Knicks' player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors. Where else but America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Japanese TV beat a team from Canada? (Jay Leno)

      Harvard graduate, Jeremy Lin, has led the New York Knicks to five victories. The 6ft 3 Asian-American Lin does not look like a typical NBA player. In fact, he looks more like the guy NBA players used to cheat off of in math class, (Alex Kaseberg)

      How big a sensation is Jeremy Lin in New York? Out of habit the Yankees offered him a free agent contract. (Janice Hough)
      Jeremy Lin jerseys are the #1 seller in the NBA right now. How cool is this? And nice for the people making the jerseys to see a name they actually might recognize. (Janice Hough)

      Before Jeremy Lin lit up his team with 38 points, LA Laker, Kobe Bryant, said he had never heard of Lin. And you can't blame Kobe, all of those Harvard graduate NBA players look the same. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Carmelo Anthony is telling the media that when he returns he can co-exist with Jeremy Lin. These days Knicks fans are more worried whether or not Jeremy Lin can co-exist with him. (Janice Hough)

      Boxer Floyd Mayweather tweeted that the reason Jeremy Lin, who has led the New York Knicks to five wins including 38 points against the Lakers, is getting attention is because he is Asian-American. Proving what we have long suspected, Floyd was a moron before he started receiving severe blows to the head. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Floyd Mayweather just posted: "Jeremy Lin is a good player but all the hype is because he's Asian. Black players do what he does every night and don't get the same praise." Just another piece of evidence that boxers should be required to wear helmets. (Janice Hough)

      One of the best aspects of Linsanity is you can practically smell the burning jealousy coming off of the NBA coddled superstars. (Cough, Kobe, ahem, LeBron) (Alex Kaseberg)

      Lin-sanity continues. Have the offensively challenged SF Giants checked on the availability of undrafted former Harvard baseball power hitters. (Janice Hough)

      Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin (R) is all aboard the Jeremy Lin bandwagon. In an interview on the Fox Business Network Thursday, Palin brought a New York Knicks shirt bearing the budding basketball star's name and declared her support for both him and the team. "Linsanity, man," she said, using the phrase that has come to describe the nation's newfound obsession with the young point guard. "I mean, talk about an all-American story where sort of the underdog, you know, but works so hard, just erased all the stuff out there on the periphery in his life." (Huff Post)

      Last night Jeremy Lin led the Knicks to their seventh straight win. Soon he'll be getting all the benefits of being an NBA star: He'll get a salary bump, an endorsement deal, a Kardashian. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Lin-sanity temporarily derailed Friday night by the.... New Orleans Hornets? Well, it is the weekend before Mardi Gras. Never underestimate the power of Voodoo. (Janice Hough)

      Media Takeout is reporting that Kim Kardashian has her sights set on Jeremy Lin. Kardashian is reportedly going through her pal LaLa Anthony to try and set her and Lin up for a double date. While no other sources have officially confirmed this troubling piece of news, we can only believe Obama has Seal Team 6 on the ready. (The Bleacher Report)

      Kim Kardashian! Nicki Minaj! It is just a matter of time before Superhead is trying to get a piece of that Jeremy Lin action. We know Nicki likes ballers as she gave lap dances to Steve Nash and Chris Paul during her Summer Tour.  I hope Lin is an “Ass Man” like Kramer from Seinfeld, because all the big booty girls are throwing it at him. (Robert Littel)


      An ESPN reporter said he'd never seen anything quite like Kate Upton's bikini on the SI Swimsuit Issue cover. How about dental floss? (RJ Currie)

      The swimsuit that Kate Upton wore on the cover of Sports Illustrated costs about $180. Or roughly $120,000 per ounce. (Jerry Perisho)

      U.S. women's soccer star Alex Morgan is in the SI swimsuit issue wearing only bodypaint. At first I thought it was a pigment of my imagination. (RJ Currie)

      Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model Natalie Coughlin wore a swimsuit for the cover that's actually body paint. It took negotiation. The magazine agreed to have the swimsuit painted on her only after the model said she had no objection to illegal immigrant painters. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out today. On Valentine's Day. That doesn't seem appropriate. Photographs of busty young women. It's like handing out free bacon on Passover. (Craig Ferguson)


      The Grammy Awards were presented Sunday night at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Katy Perry wore an outfit on stage that was so tight it cut off the blood flow to her hair. And after the show, Lady Gaga took off her heavy veils and the Lakers hung them back up on the rims. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Grammys had their biggest ratings since 1984. The last time that many people tuned in, there were still awards for "records". (Jim Barach)

      Last night Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Grammys were amazing. Great job hosting by LL Cool J. He also won that new Grammy award: Person the least like Mitt Romney. (Alex Kaseberg)

      At the Grammy Awards Chris Brown won "Best R & B Album," beating El DeBarge, R Kelly, Ledisi, and Kelly Price. I'm sorry, he defeated those folks– he only beats Rihanna. (Gary Bachman)

      Adele cleaned up at last night's Grammys. Poor Vanilla Ice. They made him sweep up after the Grammys. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Tony Bennett stunned his audience while saluting Whitney Houston at the Grammys after-party Sunday by calling for the legalization of all drugs. No one could believe it. He could be run out of show business for campaigning for Ron Paul at an entertainment event. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Beach Boys marked their fiftieth anniversary in Los Angeles Saturday by singing at the Grammy Awards. Surfing has lost its popularity to the Internet. Back in the Sixties, you could surf or you could watch porn, but you couldn't do both at the same time. (Argus Hamilton)

      How about that amazing performance at the Grammys by the Foo Fighters? I like the Foo Fighters, they fight more Foo before 9:00 am than most people fight all day (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Grammy show lasted 3 1/2 hours last night. Before it was over, Kim Kardashian married half of the L. A. Clippers. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      You know a really sad thing about Valentine's Day? Some people can't have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney. (Jay Leno)

      Happy Valentine's Day. Everyone on the campaign trail is celebrating with their sweetheart. Rick Santorum and his wife Karen, Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista, Mitt Romney and his Swiss bank account. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama urged men to "go big" for Valentine's Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China's money can buy. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Valentine's Day arrives Tuesday with big business anticipated for florists, chocolate stores, and lingerie outlets. The recession can't interfere with romance. Victoria's Secret's top-selling gift this year is black fishnet stockings that allow you to catch your own food. (Argus Hamilton)

      Valentine's Day was a big day for florists, restaurants and candy makers Tuesday. A few hearts always get broken. Mitt got a lovely call from conservatives thanking him for the candy and flowers, but explaining that they would like to continue seeing other people. (Argus Hamilton) 

      The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800s, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat. (Craig Ferguson)

      It's been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine's Day. And guys who forget Valentine's Day will spend over $100 billion. (Conan O'Brien)

      On Valentine's Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. All over the NBA players are sending members of their posse out to buy a dozen cards  "To my one and only." (Janice Hough)

      Papa John's is offering a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's Day. It's for the wife who has everything, except a husband who knows what a woman wants for Valentine's Day. (Conan O'Brien)

      Valentine's Day is Tuesday. When your husband treats you with kindness and respect, there's really only one thing you can say. "Who are you and what have you done with my husband?" (Alan Ray)

      You know what Kobe Bryant's wife is getting for Valentine's Day? Half. (Jay Leno)

      White Castle is offering candlelit dinner service for Valentine's Day. It's the perfect way to tell your partner, "I'm hungry and I don't love you that much." (Conan O'Brien)

      Nine games in the NBA Tuesday night. Which spared a lot of lucky players a major dilemma - which mother of which child would they have dinner with on Valentine's Day? (Janice Hough)

      The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home. (Jay Leno)

      I spent a glorious Valentines Day making mad passionate love for nine hours straight. That's the good news. The bad news? My wife just found out about it. (Bob Mills)

      Today is the day after Valentine's Day. It's the day the Whitman's start gathering up stale old uneaten candies and shoving them into next year's samplers. (Jerry Perisho)


      Today in New York City is the Westminster Dog Show. It's the Oscars of dog shows. The Westminster Dog Show and the Oscars are very different, of course. One's nothing but yapping and butt-sniffing. The other one's the dog show. (Craig Ferguson)

      At the Westminster Kennel Dog Show in New York City, ex-con Martha Stewart's Chow Chow won the "Best of Breed" blue ribbon. Genghis Khan was disqualified, though, when he was caught teaching the other dogs how to escape. (Bob Mills)

      One of the awards at this week's Westminster Dog Show went to Martha Stewart's chow chow named Genghis Khan. If Martha wanted to name the dog after a ruthless tyrant, she should have gone with 'Martha Stewart'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Earlier tonight, Donald Trump's hair won top prize at the Westminster Dog Show. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Westminster Dog Show combines the excitement of people walking dogs to the thrill of dogs sitting perfectly still. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Things are not looking good for Romney. His popularity has really dropped. Right now he's running behind Syrian President Assad. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there. (David Letterman)

      Poor Mitt Romney, he's got the money, he's got the organization, he's got the name recognition. He has one weakness: an inability to get votes. The other weakness is an ability to find a candidate he can beat. If there was just some way he could run against Mitt Romney. (Bill Maher)

      He is not quitting. Romney says he will keep fighting. And you can take that all the way to the Swiss bank. (Jay Leno) 

      You can tell that this Santorum surge has Mitt Romney a little rattled. He was at the CPAC Convention today, and he showed up in a sweater vest with a fetus in a jar. (Bill Maher)

      They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I can do that. (David Letterman)

      Mitt Romney says he is the "only candidate in this race, Republican or Democrat, who has never worked a day in Washington." Uh, yeah, that's because he lost his earlier races for the Senate and the Presidency. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney spoke to CPAC Friday and declared himself severely conservative. The adverb severely is most often used with the words ill and limited and retarded. If he was any prouder to be a conservative he would have described himself as one of the good Germans. (Argus Hamilton)

      Have you noticed Romney doesn't even blow dry his hair anymore? He dries naturally from Rick Santorum breathing down his neck. (Jay Leno)

      Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He got an honorary Grammy for best spoken word for being able to speak out of both sides of his mouth at the same time. (Jay Leno)

      Sarah Palin is now giving advice to Mitt Romney on how to defeat President Obama. And she is such an expert on that subject. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney is now behind in primary polls from his home state of Michigan. Was bound to happen when you call 12 states home. (Will Durst)

      Mitt Romney and his wife wanted to spend a nice quiet Valentine's night just by themselves. So they went to one of Mitt's campaign rallies. (Jay Leno)


      Jewish leaders are outraged by the revelation that the Mormon Church has been collecting the names of Jews who died in concentration camps during the Holocaust, and baptizing Mormon congregants in the names of the dead so the souls of the dead might enter Heaven. Mormon authorities have confirmed this practice has been going on for years, and includes Proxy Baptisms not only for Jews but Catholic and other non-Mormon Christians as well. Sounds like the Mormon Church teaches it is a sin to desecrate the bodies of the dead, but a blessing to desecrate their souls by converting the dead into a religion they did not believe in. (Stan Kegel) 

      At a recent press conference, Matt Romney confirmed that he has personally "Baptized by Proxy" dead Jews and Christians to allow them to enter the Mormon heaven, although it was a long time ago. I would ask Mr. Romney if he would promise not to sign an executive order as President authorizing post-mortem conversion by Proxy Baptism of our service men killed in battle, but we all know how frequently he reverses his promises. (Stan Kegel)  

      As a Jew, I call upon all Jews to start baptizing Mormons. My first baptism will be Mitt's George Romney, ex-Governor of Michigan and Republican power-broker, who died in 1995. "Oh God of the Israelites, in the Name of The Ancient Tribe of Judea, accept this baptism of George M. Romney, and consider all previous baptisms null and void. Selah!" I bet Mitt feels better already! I wonder if I can do this to LIVE Mormons. (Speagle)

      Guess what, Mitt! I just un-Baptized you. You're Jewish now, Mitt. Mazel Tov! Welcome to the tribe. L'Chaim! Your new name is Morris Berkowitz and you're from Queens. Your mother-in-law lives in Florida. She doesn't like you because you're not a doctor. She voted for Ron Paul because he is a doctor. (John Blumenthal)


      Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states and got a huge amount of fundraising. That's the good news for rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling Santorum. (Bill Maher)

      Rick Santorum is hoping his three wins in the Republican primaries on Tuesday will postiion him as the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. And I think that's reflected in his new campaign slogan: 'The other white meat'. (Seth Meyers)

      They're saying now it looks like the state of Michigan is swinging toward Rick Santorum. And I think if there's a word that best describes Rick, it's "swinging." (David Letterman)

      Santorum made a speech and said, "If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine." The guillotine, really? This is why he's ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and f*ck the French. (Bill Maher)
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