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WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-25-08

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-25-08 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK An economic advisor to the president says parts of the United States seem to be in
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 25, 2008
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-25-08
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      An economic advisor to the president says parts of the United States
      seem to be in a recession. Those would be the poorer parts. (Scott Witt)

      "W. " opens today. If there's one thing I can't get enough of, it's
      the Bush family. (David Letterman)

      Colin Powell is in the news, of course, because he endorsed Barack
      Obama. Wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing
      Obama. He is probably all right with it. Men his age are used to
      having colon problems. (Craig Ferguson)

      Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week,
      billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will
      continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial
      crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as
      you're the richest man on Earth. (Amy Poehler)

      So let's see. In California Catholic priests who are caught having sex
      with teen-aged boys and girls are punished by mandatory counselling
      and transfered to another parish where they can start over with a
      clean slate. Priests who state they favor allowing same sex marriages
      to continue are defrocked and excommunicated. Conclusion: Catholic
      Bishops, at least in California, feel priests committing rape of
      children is a lot less serious than a priest advocating gay adult
      couples to continue to marry. That's the beauty of the First
      Amendment. It is their right to feel that way. (Stan Kegel)

      Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican
      National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes
      and makeup for her. They've been taking a lot of heat for it. Today,
      John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over, the
      clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to get her
      naked is finally bearing fruit. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The price of oil is way down but stores say they're leaving prices up
      for awhile because they don't want to pay employees to lower them,
      only to have oil skyrocket again. So here's how we're screwed. We have
      to pay higher prices because of the rising cost of lowering prices.
      (Patrick Gorse)

      Motorola celebrated the twenty-fifth anniversary of the first cell-
      phone call. The first call went to Alexander Graham Bell's grandson.
      Everyone today agrees the invention was one small step for man, one
      giant leap for auto body repair. (Argus Hamilton)

      John McCain says he will guarantee all savings at banks for six months
      after he becomes President. That is assuming that six months after the
      election anyone has any savings left. (Jim Barach)

      Barack Obama is taking time out from the campaign trail to visit his
      sick grandmother. Obama is expected to completely restore her health
      as soon as he's finished healing the lepers on the way to the
      hospital. (Jake Novak)

      A new report shows that political campaign spending has reached a
      record $5.3 billion this year. So the best way to fix the economy is
      to force everyone in Washington to run for re-election every six
      months. (Jake Novak)

      An Irish bookie has already paid off election bets, proclaiming Barack
      Obama as the winner. Apparently the bookie has never heard of Diebold
      voting machines. (Jim Barach)

      McCAIN

      John McCain is doing darn well for a guy who passed away 20 years ago.
      (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sen. John McCain was on the program. He kept referring to me as "that
      one." (David Letterman)

      It wasn't such a great day for John McCain, who got some support today
      from an unwanted group. Al Qaeda picked him as their choice for
      president. Al Qaeda made this announcement on their website, which
      begs the question: al Qaeda has a website? Can't we use it to find
      them? (Craig Ferguson)

      John McCain snapped at reporters over questions about immigration and
      Sarah Palin's $150,000 shopping spree. Uh oh. You know what this
      means? Somebody needs their nap. (Alex Kaseberg)

      John McCain's camp insists he can overcome Barack Obama's huge lead in
      fundraising mostly because the campaign is now posing as a failed
      investment bank in line for a multi-billion dollar government bailout.
      (Jake Novak)

      In a speech earlier this week, John McCain said, "I've been fighting
      for the United States since I was 17." Then he said, "Of course, back
      then, it was called Pangaea." (Conan O'Brien)

      Today McCain went on the attack. This morning he said Barack Obama
      will say and do anything to win the election. Obama countered that
      later in the day by showing this photograph [on screen: photo of Sarah
      Palin]. "Really? I'm the one who will say and do anything to win?
      Explain that again more slowly if you could." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      McCain has unveiled his new campaign persona: "Fighting Underdog." And
      if that doesn't work, he's going to be "Tyrannical Sea Captain " And
      if that doesn't work, "Fun-Loving Gaucho." "Cruise Ship Gigolo."
      "Heartless Press Agent." (David Letterman)

      John McCain got some good news today: The Charleston Daily Mail
      endorsed him, saying that since he will only be a one-term president,
      he can do the right thing to make tough decisions. When they told him
      the endorsement was for only four years, McCain said, "Four years —
      that's great. My doctor only gave me two." (Jay Leno)

      OBAMA

      In this election, Obama is so far ahead now it seems the only way he
      can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But Obama's supporters have
      a secret weakness. They're Democrats. They are perfectly capable of
      screwing this up. I'm not sure if Democrats remember how to win an
      election. They haven't won an election since 2000. (Craig Ferguson)

      Obama better win. When Michelle finds out the Republicans spent
      $150,000 on clothes and hairstyling for Palin and Barack has raised
      $650 million -- and Michele didn't even get new jeans -- the new
      president definitely will be tested! (Joe Hickman)

      With only two weeks to go, Barack Obama has a strong lead, according
      to pretty much all polls. He’s taking a day or two off to visit his
      sick grandmother in Hawaii. Normally that would be a bad idea two
      weeks before the election, but at this point, the only thing that
      could stop his campaign is if he found a bad luck tiki doll at the
      beach. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Some believe that visiting his sick grandmother might help with the
      elderly vote. To try to counter that, today, John McCain stopped by
      our nation’s capital to visit his grandmother — Susan B. Anthony
      McCain. (Jimmy Kimmel).

      Barack Obama was greeted by one hundred thousand fans in St. Louis
      Saturday. He has done a terrific job of shedding his elitist label.
      Early in the campaign when a tornado siren sounded in Dubuque, he
      asked for directions to the nearest wine cellar. (Argus Hamilton)

      PALIN

      Sarah Palin recently explained proudly that she wasn't one of those
      kids who graduates college and their parents get them a passport and a
      backpack and say, "Go off and travel the world." Oh, God, no, that's
      the kind of thing that could open up your mind. No, Sarah stayed right
      here in America and learned about foreign cultures the proper way: by
      standing on the shore with a pair of binoculars. (Bill Maher)

      Sarah Palin told a bunch of third graders yesterday that the vice
      president runs the Senate, which of course, the vice president does
      not do. Even President Bush will tell you the vice president doesn’t
      run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to
      demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy
      to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And
      you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting
      blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't
      name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary. (Bill Maher)

      In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that when the media
      criticizes her children "the mama grizzly in me comes out, makes me
      want to rear up on my hind legs." Which is exactly what a mama grizzly
      did to Sarah Palin moments before she shot it from a helicopter (Seth
      Meyers)

      Sarah Palin drew record ratings for Saturday Night Live in which she
      danced to a rap song mocking Alaskan hillbillies. There were equal-
      time concerns. NBC lawyers told them they could only make fun of
      hillbillies if they also make fun of rap stars. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Republican National Committee spent $150,000 on clothes, hair
      styling and makeup once Sarah Palin joined the campaign. But, they
      saved money where they could. They didn’t bother to buy her any
      magazines or newspapers to read before her biggest TV interviews.
      (Jerry Perisho)

      Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is taking heat today, because the
      Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe
      for her and her family. She spent $50,000 at Saks Fifth Avenue,
      $75,000 at Neiman Marcus and about $5,000 on hair and makeup. Hey,
      representing small town, common-folk hockey moms isn't cheap, folks.
      (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah is not the only Palin who got an upgrade. Almost $5,000 was
      spent on clothing for her husband, Todd, and more on the Palin
      children. Now, that's just one scandal. Palin has also charged the
      Alaska state government for over $21,000 of airfare for her daughters
      and $700 hotel rooms and went back and amended the expense reports to
      justify the payments, not to mention $17,000 in per diems she was paid
      to live in her own home. My God! They're a family of grifters! (Jon
      Stewart)

      Republicans say Sarah Palin's $150,000 wardobe will be given to
      charity after the election. Might as well, it probably wouldn't bring
      that much at a Wasilla garage sale. (Joe Hickman)

      After weeks of being lampooned by Tina Fey, Sarah Palin showed up in
      person on 'Saturday Night Live.' Apparently Joe Biden also inquired
      about coming to speak on the show, but NBC informed him that the
      program only runs for an hour and a half. (Janice Hough)

      BADIN

      Sen. Joe Biden released his medical records this week, which reveal he
      has an allergic reaction to cosmetically altered pork. (Paul Benoit)

      Joe Biden is turning out to be quite a character. He says whatever is
      floating around in his head. On Sunday, at a rally, a local baseball
      team gave him his own uniform, No. 21. He said, “No. 21 reminds me of
      the most famous number in all of college sports — No. 44.” How does 21
      remind him of 44? In that they’re both numbers? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Joe Biden predicted Sunday that enemies would provoke a crisis if
      Barack Obama becomes president, just to test him. He accidentally
      questioned his running mate's fitness for office. Every time an airbag
      saves a life, Joe Biden gets a royalty check. (Syman Hirsch)

      THE ECONOMY

      The economy's in bad shape. Today I saw a pimp driving a Kia. (Jay Leno)

      Former Fed Chief Alan Greenspan gave this testimony to Congress today:
      "To those millions of Americans who have lost their jobs, their homes,
      and their life savings, let me offer a heartfelt ‘oopsy.'" (Andy
      Borowitz)

      AIG is being asked by Congress what it has done with the $123 Billion
      they have been given by the government so far. AIG executives say they
      can't say at this time, although even the congressmen were impressed
      at how the executives appeared to be so tanned, toned and relaxed.
      (Jim Barach)

      Gas prices are dropping. The decline is impacting oil companies
      dramatically. Loss of revenue could mean they’ll have to lay off
      dozens of politicians. (Alan Ray)

      The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, was in Washington
      today. And he said that the current financial crisis is a "one in a
      century" occurrence. And John McCain was like: "He's right. I've been
      through three of 'em." (Craig Ferguson)

      I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's
      market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but
      Obama's new campaign slogan is "Are you better off than you were four
      days ago?" (Bill Maher)

      Sarah Palin told New Hampshire Wednesday she will drill in Alaska and
      lead the nation to energy independence. Her plan could make oil prices
      plummet even faster. People who've been running their SUVs on brandy
      may find gasoline cost-effective again. (Argus Hamilton)

      Oil and Gas Journal reported Friday that tumbling world oil prices
      will result in gasoline well under three dollars a gallon again.
      That's good news for people who live in California. Our idea of
      carpooling is one guy in the car on a conference call. (Argus Hamilton)

      JOE THE PLUMBER

      Joe the plumber, turns out, really isn't a licensed plumber, he's in
      trouble for not paying the taxes that he does owe, he isn't really
      close to buying any sort of plumbing company, and his name isn't Joe.
      Or, as the McCain campaign explained it, "Who is Barack Obama?" (Bill
      Maher)

      John McCain has said that he wants to help this man. Here's what he
      should do: Have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a
      job for life. (Jay Leno)

      "Joe the Plumber" continued to give his political opinions the past
      several days. However, being the weekend, he charged time and a half.
      (Tim Hunter)

      Both Barack Obama and John McCain keep talking about this guy "Joe the
      plumber." Here's what's sad about the Joe the plumber story: Last
      month, he was an investment banker. (Jay Leno)

      Everyone has Joe the plumber fever. Even the Statue of Liberty was
      holding a plunger. (David Letterman)

      John McCain says that Barack Obama's tax plan will catch people like
      Joe the Plumber with his pants down. Aren't they half-way there
      already? Isn't that some kind of union rule for him? (Tim Hunter)

      I think Republicans are relieved by this whole Joe the plumber thing —
      a guy who gets down on his knees in front of a toilet and is not Sen.
      Larry Craig. (Jay Leno)

      MADONNA

      Of course, there’s only one thing on everyone’s mind right now, the
      country is divided. that’s right — Madonna’s divorce. It’s sad.
      Madonna and Guy Ritchie are a great couple. Madonna gave him the best
      years of her life, and he gave her an English accent. (Craig Ferguson)

      Madonna’s divorce with Guy Ritchie is getting nasty. By cavorting
      around with Alex Rodriguez, Guy is accusing Madonna of acting like a
      slut. That’s silly. Everybody knows Madonna can’t act. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Madonna’s divorce with Guy Ritchie is getting nasty. Who could have
      seen this coming? Well, besides Alex Rodriguez, Sean Penn, Warren
      Beatty, Dennis Rodman, Carlos Leon, Vanilla Ice, that scary comedian
      Sandra Bernhardt and the entire NBA circa 1993-96. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Sources say Guy Ritchie who is worth $50 million on his own could get
      as much as $88 million in a divorce settlement from Madonna. In that
      case, he would be Guy Ritchie Rich. The Material Guy? (Patrick Gorse)

      Gwyneth Paltrow says she's helping Madonna through her divorce. Must
      mean she's setting up the dates with A-Rod. (Tim Hunter)

      THE CAMPAIGNS

      The presidential campaign is finally winding down. It seems like
      forever. This campaign began in 1955. (Conan O'Brien)

      They say the race is going to be decided by the undecided voters — 7
      percent are undecided. I have a question for them: What the hell is
      wrong with you? This election has been going on for years. (Craig
      Ferguson)

      The Chicago Tribune endorsed Obama, first time in over 100 years the
      Tribune endorsed a Democrat. No word yet on the really important
      endorsement, however -- Mad magazine. (Joe Hickman)

      The Tribune joined the L.A. Times and the Washington Post in endorsing
      Obama, citing his intellect and good character. Of course, the polls
      indicate instead of intellect and good character, many Americans may
      want another Republican. (Joe Hickman)

      John McCain's camp insists he can overcome Barack Obama's huge lead in
      fundraising, mostly because the campaign is now posing as a failed
      investment bank in line for a multi-billion dollar government bailout.
      (Jake Novak)

      As might be expected, Republicans think Gen. Colin Powell's kiss-up
      endorsement of the other party's candidate was crappy. Some now call
      him Barack's Colin, while others think of him as Bowel Powell. (Scott
      Witt)

      Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama for president. This has forced
      Sarah Palin to change her stump speech. "Our opponent is someone who
      pals around with militarists" (Alan Ray)

      Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama Sunday, then denied it was based on
      race. He favored sending U.S. troops into Iraq and now he backs the
      candidate who wants to yank them out. Nobody in Washington ever admits
      they were wrong, you have to decode it. (Argus Hamilton)

      The only reason Obama got this endorsement is because Colin Powell is
      black. Also, the only reason Admiral John Nathman, Brigadier-General
      James Smith, Four-star General Merrill McPeak and 20 other military
      leaders have endorsed Obama, is because Colin Powell is black.
      (Stephen Colbert)

      Barack Obama bought thirty minutes of airtime on Fox Tuesday which
      would delay Game Six of the World Series. He's endorsed both
      Philadelphia and Tampa. Pennsylvania and Florida have a long history
      of rivalry in football, baseball and voter fraud. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mexican actor Eduardo Verastegui says he endorses John McCain for
      President. He says he will vote for McCain as long as he is able to
      sneak across the border on election day. (Jim Barach)

      Obama and McCain appeared together at the annual Al Smith dinner in
      New York City. It's traditional for candidates to giver funny
      speeches. Obama and McCain were both funny. McCain said, "Even in this
      room full of proud Democrats, I can't shake that feeling that some are
      pulling for me. I'm delighted to see you here, tonight,
      Hillary." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      THE DEMOCRATS

      John Kerry is being criticized for making a joke about John McCain
      wearing adult diapers. Knock it off, Kerry. I tell the McCain diaper
      jokes! Stick to losing elections to the least-popular president ever
      in the history of America. (Craig Ferguson)

      Hillary Clinton campaigned for Barack Obama Monday as she maneuvered
      to be the next lion of the Senate. She wanted to be the next President
      Clinton but now she wants to be the next Ted Kennedy. She must think
      the glass ceiling is a mirror over the bed. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE REPUBLICANS

      Vice President Cheney was taken to the hospital with a heart
      irregularity. Then Nancy Reagan was hospitalized with a broken hip.
      Who would have thought that John McCain would end up being the
      healthiest Republican around? (Jim Barach)

      Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington Hospital last week to
      undergo a procedure to jumpstart his heart back to its normal beat.
      He's had it before. An ambulance is automatically called whenever his
      blood pressure drops below eighty dollars a barrel. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000. But
      it will probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never
      be finished. Remind you of anything? (Craig Ferguson)

      THE CONGRESS

      U.S. Congressman Tim Mahoney (D- Fl.) was caught offering to pay hush
      money to a mistress angry over a second girlfriend. He cheated on the
      woman with whom he was cheating on his wife. Now that the U.S.
      government is handing out seven hundred billion dollars a week,
      congressmen are getting all the women who used to go out with
      investment bankers. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE COURTS

      A lawsuit against God that was filed by a Nebraska State Senator has
      been thrown out by a court because it was not served properly as no
      correct address could be given for God. You know the economy is bad
      when even God has lost his home. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Police in Michigan have arrested a man after he was caught having sex
      with a vacuum at a car wash. Sure, it sounds crazy, but when was the
      last time a date only cost you 50-cents? (Tim Hunter)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Sex offenders in Maryland must put a pumpkin symbol in the window that
      says "No candy here". Well, a pumpkin in the window will certainly
      stand out as a warning during Halloween. (Jim Barach)

      SECURITY

      The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline
      set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed
      to US ports. "Thanks for the heads up," said terrorists. (Amy Poehler)

      A Gambian woman gave birth to a baby boy while at JFK Airport in New
      York. The amazing part is that she wasn't even pregnant when she got
      into the security line. (Jim Barach)

      A Gambian woman gave birth to a baby while at JFK Airport in New York.
      It was awkward, when her water broke, security arrested her for trying
      to sneak more than 3 ounces of fluid on a plane. (Alex Kaseberg)

      TERRORISM

      John McCain got support from someone he might not want support from.
      Al-Qaida picked him as their choice for president. Al-Qaida announced
      it on their Web site. Which begs the question, al-Qaida has a Web
      site? - Can't we use this to find them? Can't we send them an e-mail
      and say, We have a couple of old "Macarena" albums, send us your
      address, and we'll send them to you. (Craig Ferguson)

      Al-Qaeda was reported Thursday to make eight hundred million dollars a
      year from the sale of illegal drugs. None of it is kept in banks, so
      the financial crisis didn't touch them. Not only have we not captured
      Osama bin Laden, we've taught him how to get rich on foreclosures.
      (Argus Hamilton)

      Al-Qaeda was reported Monday to have netted eight hundred million
      dollars cash in illegal drug sales last year. Now they're all too rich
      to volunteer for suicide missions. Who would have guessed that the
      best way to fight terrorism is to do heroin. (Argus Hamilton)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      India sent their first rocket to the moon. This is a perfect example
      of good American jobs being outsourced to India. (Craig Ferguson)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      Doctors now say that the beat of the 1977 Bee Gees disco hit "Stayin'
      Alive" is the perfect rhythm for performing chest compressions as part
      of CPR on a heart attack victim. Isn't that ironic? "Stayin' Alive"
      can save your life! But, every time you hear it, you want to kill
      yourself. (Jerry Perisho)

      Doctors say the Bee Gee's "Stayin' Alive" has the best rhythm for
      giving a heart attack victim CPR. It is suggested to pump the heart at
      the song's rate of 103 beats per minute. Or, the CPR provider can just
      dance "The Hustle" on the victim's chest. (Jim Barach)

      The bad news is that a new study shows that drinking too much coffee
      can increase the size of a man's breasts. The good news is that when
      those men do drink coffee, they don't have worry about where to find
      the cream. (Jake Novak)

      A study says that more Americans have high blood pressure than ever,
      from the economy, presidential race and obesity. Fortunately the
      presidential race will be over soon and the bad economy is starving
      people into being thin again. (Jim Barach)

      THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      A psychic predicts most of the world's volcanoes will simultaneously
      erupt next year, spreading molten lava across wide areas of planet
      Earth. And this just in: Al Gore has issued a warning about "Global
      Leakage." (Toms Lake Humor Company)

      The autumn temperature of the Arctic Ocean is at a record high. It's
      so warm up north that Sarah Palin recently shot and field dressed a
      giraffe. (Jim Barach)

      SPORTS

      The Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies will meet in the
      World Series, beginning on Wednesday. As always, the mayors of the two
      cities have made a wager on the series. The losing mayor sends
      something symbolic. If the Phillies lose, Mayor Michael Nutter will
      send 100 pounds of cheese steak sandwiches to Tampa. If Tampa Bay
      loses, Mayor Pam Iorio will send 100 bottles of Metamucil. (Jerry
      Perisho)

      The World Series begins tonight in Tampa Bay. It’s an American
      tradition. Everybody tunes in to see which celebrity gets to screw-up
      The National Anthem. More money is bet on the World Series than on the
      congressional elections. That’s because people care who wins the World
      Series. (Joe Hickman)

      Brett Favre was accused Sunday of revealing Green Bay Packers secrets
      to their opponents, the Detroit Lions. He's such a drama queen. If
      this doesn't get him enough publicity, he is going to challenge Alex
      Rodriguez to a duel for Madonna's hand. (Argus Hamilton)

      The NCAA says the graduation rate among athletes is up. The overall
      rate is now 78%. The NCAA achieved the increase by shifting the chess
      club, math club and debate team over to the athletic department. (Jim
      Barach)

      FALCONS 22, BEARS 20 The Bears showed once again it IS possible to
      lose a game in the last 11 seconds. To say the Bears gave this one
      away is an understatement. The Bears ran away from this victory faster
      than McCain is running away from President Bush. (William Hale)

      CARDINALS 30, COWBOYS 24 This was the first game in NFL history to end
      with a blocked punt returned for a touchdown. The only thing this game
      didn't have was Pacman Jones getting drunk and punching out a referee.
      Although there are reports that Pacman's water bottle smelled alot
      like a Long Island Ice Tea. Tony Romo was sacked more times than
      groceries. And the Cowboys special teams was about as successful as
      Michael Jackson out on a date with an ADULT! (William Hale)

      The San Diego Chargers play the New Orleans Saints in London Sunday
      and the Saints are pronounced the home team. Who made that
      geographically-challenged decision, President Bush? (Alex Kaseberg)

      Jerry Jones was reported having a tough time Thursday finding a
      company to buy the naming rights to his new stadium. The products most
      associated with the Dallas Cowboys don't need to pay for the
      publicity. They get mentioned in every arrest report. (Argus Hamilton)

      Dallas Cowboys star Pacman Jones was suspended by the NFL Wednesday
      for fighting with his bodyguard. It was his thirteenth police
      incident. Pro football is the only sport whose bubblegum cards show a
      player's picture on the front and his fingerprints on the back. (Argus
      Hamilton)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      I'm proud to say that I'm in "W. " I have a small part. I play the guy
      who gets peppered with birdshot by Dick Cheney. (David Letterman)

      Oliver Stone's movie about President Bush is in theaters. The movie
      explains how George W invaded Iraq to make his father mad. Hey, I can
      relate. That's the reason I became a DJ. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

      The big thing in fiction is vampire romance stories. Here's my
      question: if we love mindless evil bloodsuckers so much why do we
      still hate lawyers, politicians and Wall Street executives? (Alex
      Kaseberg)

      You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on
      CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Mentalist." And it's about this
      guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's
      the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah
      Palin and Tina Fey. (David Letterman)

      CELEBRITIES

      Fashion critic Mr. Blackwell has died, at age 86. After just a few
      moments in heaven, he described St. Peter as "a Charlton Heston wanna-
      be." (Tim Hunter)

      Miss Teen Louisiana Lindsey Evans has been stripped of her crown and
      title following her arrest for marijuana possession and leaving a
      restaurant without paying. Let that be a lesson to you young people.
      Whenever you dine and dash, never leave your purse behind with your ID
      and stash in it. (Tim Hunter)

      Miss Teen Louisiana, Lindsey Evans, has lost her sash and crown after
      dining and dashing at a restaurant, but leaving marijuana behind in
      her purse with her I.D. The beauty pageant winner was charged with
      petty theft, possessing pot and disturbing World Peace. (Patrick Gorse)

      Simon Cowell of "American Idol" reportedly makes $36 Million a year,
      well above Paula Abdul's $5 Million salary. Of course, how many people
      can command $5 Million a year for showing up to work hammered and
      completely incoherent? (Jim Barach)

      Lindsay Lohan has had her episodes on "Ugly Betty" cut by two because
      of problems on the set. A spokesperson for Lohan denied any problems
      and said Lindsay was happy to have more time to work on her book "How
      To Destroy A Movie Star's Career For Dummies." (Alex Kaseberg)

      Brady Bunch star Maureen McCormick wrote in her new autobiography that
      after the series ended she went on a binge and traded sex for cocaine
      at wild parties. That's how it was in the late Seventies. The title of
      the book is Another Night at the Office. (Argus Hamilton)

      Chesapeake Energy chairman Aubrey McClendon lost a billion and a half
      dollars in company stock on a margin call. He will be okay. In a
      moment of self-doubt the oilman jumped off the highest point in
      Oklahoma City but the sand trap broke his fall.(Argus Hamilton)

      Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed is suspected of harassing a 15 year old
      girl in the store. He claims he was only asking which floor the
      elevator should take her. "Want to get off in lingerie?" (Alan Ray)

      EDUCATION

      A Texas teacher has been indicted for offering good grades in exchange
      for sex. Whatever happened to the good old days when teachers had sex
      with their students out of love? (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Disney says failed investment bank Lehman Brothers owes the company
      $92 million, something they should have expected since Lehman was
      clearly a Mickey Mouse operation. (Jake Novak)

      Goldman Sachs is cutting 10% of its workforce. It will be hard losing
      their jobs, but the toughest part for the ex-Goldman employees will be
      realizing they're not God. (Jake Novak)

      More than 30 threatening letters with menacing white powder have been
      sent to Chase banks in eight states. Police aren't sure what the
      substance is, but they're sure it's not as toxic as subprime loans.
      (Jake Novak)

      Ford Motors executives scrambled for answers Tuesday in the wake of
      record low car sales in September. Last year the Ford chairman was
      awarded six million dollars in Ford company stock. He could sue the
      company for paying less than the minimum wage. (Argus Hamilton)

      Playboy is planning on cutting 55 employees in order to save $12
      Million. Ironically, now that porn is so available for free on the
      Internet, people are actually buying Playboy for the articles. (Jim
      Barach)

      HOLIDAYS

      Halloween is a week away. Why isn’t anyone buying the Sarah Palin
      costume? Her trick or treat bag alone costs $10,000. (Alan Ray)

      Ricky's Costume Shop in New York said Monday its top-selling Halloween
      costume is a Sarah Palin beauty pageant sash reading Miss Alaska on
      one side and Miss Vice President on the other. It comes with glasses.
      Wig and drilling rights sold separately. (Argus Hamilton)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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