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Weakly Humerus News 01-06-12

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-07-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK 2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt?
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 7, 2012

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-07-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed. (Jay Leno)

      The Iowa Caucuses:Historians noted that the last time so few people decided a Presidential race they were all on the Supreme Court. (Andy Borowitz)

      89-year-old Betty White did the ESPN intro for this season's final "Monday Night Football" broadcast, which makes her the oldest performer on 'MNF' since Brett Favre. (Steve Schrader)

      Hillary Clinton was named the Most Admired Woman in America in the Gallup Poll's annual listing. It was her sixteenth win, breaking Eleanor Roosevelt's record, with Jackie Kennedy third. To get the award you must marry a great Democrat and look the other way. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Taiwan city is trying to clean up its streets by offering lottery tickets to people who bring in bags of dog droppings. Or at least that's the poop. (RJ Currie)

      Donald Trump says he is breaking with the Republican Party in order to make an independent run for President. Because if anybody has a chance to win, it's an independent candidate. (Alex Schubert)

      It's the 'return' season. A lot of people took back stuff after the Christmas holiday. Some women took back ugly sweaters. Guys took back ridiculous looking ties. And Maria Shriver took back Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Frank King)

      All these candidates, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, etc who said God told them to run. Is it possible that God just really wants to make sure Barack Obama gets re-elected? Or maybe God just needs a new cellphone plan? (Janice Hough)

      The owner of the Bunny Ranch is opening a brothel for fans of Star Wars. This is for nerds looking to get Leia'd. (Alex Schubert)

      Samoa crossed the Date Line Thursday to live on the same day as its trading partner Australia. The islanders went straight from Thursday to Saturday as though Friday did not exist. It's the only time people ever lost an entire day without the help of a coke dealer. (Argus Hamilton)

      Why do Dallas Cowboys fans have the biggest flat screen televisions? Because for years they haven't had to waste money on playoff tickets. (Janice Hough)

      Ron Paul finished third in the Iowa caucuses Tuesday. He's drawn criticism for his isolationist foreign policy and for wanting to legalize marijuana, prostitution and cocaine. Ron Paul doesn't just want to withdraw our troops overseas, he wants to surrender our three wars at home. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ron Paul called Newt Gingrich a chicken hawk for being warlike after using student deferments to get out of Vietnam. Other chicken hawks include Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney. It proves that the accusation will ruin your political career after your two terms are up. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE IOWA CAUCUSES

      Forty percent of the people of Iowa are undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen debates. (David Letterman)

      I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it's also known, "old white guy Mardi Gras." (Conan O'Brien)

      As I was coming out here, CBS News predicted the winner of the Iowa Republican caucuses: President Obama. (David Letterman)

      In the last election, Mike Huckabee won the Iowa caucus, and John McCain came in fourth. And he became the nominee. So it's too early to tell anything at this point. It would be like if Wolf Blitzer stayed up all night analyzing the first round of American Idol auditions. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Yesterday was the Iowa Caucus, or as it's also known, the GOP Capitalist One Bowl. (Wendel Potter)

      They say the Iowa caucuses are very important because they are predictors of the Academy Awards. (David Letterman)

      There's already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore. (David Letterman)

      Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull. (Conan O'Brien)

      Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15. (Conan O'Brien)

      Mitt Romney won the Iowa Caucus.  Actually, his name was on the ballot twice.  Iowans had their choice of which Mitt Romney they wanted to vote for. (Wendel Potter)

      Newt Gingrich slipped to third in the Iowa polls Tuesday as conservatives bailed out on him. He's falling fast. Newt's popularity in Iowa began sliding two weeks ago when he signed a pledge promising to be faithful to his wife and out of habit he signed it John Smith. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rick Santorum lost by only eight votes in Iowa. After losing his 2006 re-election to the Senate by a record margin, and saying this week he believes states have the right to ban birth control and sodomy (which, google it, includes what Bill did with Monica.) Guess this answers one question -how much do many Republicans hate Mitt Romney? (Janice Hough)

      How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney. (David Letterman)

      There's reports of a vote count discrepancy in one rural Iowa district that could change the outcome of the Iowa caucus and would give the win to Rick Santorum.  It turns out that one of the officials counting the votes only has nine toes and this may have led to the miscount. (Wendel Potter)

      Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes. He'd have won if he'd just gotten the gay vote. (Jay Leno)

      Rick Santorum's campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain. (Jay Leno)

      THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES

      Mitt Romney says President Obama's promises are like Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney's positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, "When I'm president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me. (Conan O'Brien)

      Mitt Romney's health care insurance mandates in Massachusetts came under harsh fire from conservatives in Iowa Tuesday. They say the government can't force you to buy anything you don't want. That's the job of lingerie models in Super Bowl commercials. (Argus Hamilton)

      According to new poll done by "60 minutes," 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney's real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That's true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he's got my vote. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Mitt Romney tried to woo evangelical voters Friday who don't consider the Mormon faith to be a Christian religion. Mormons believe the Garden of Eden is in St. Louis and that Albert Pujols must've signed with the L. A. Angels because a snake gave him bad advice about fruit. (Argus Hamilton)

      "John McCain has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Now, it didn't help that McCain began his endorsement by saying, "From the man who brought you Sarah Palin." (Conan O'Brien)

      Newt Gingrich is now blaming his fall in the Iowa polls on being "Romney-boated." After blaming his failure to get enough signatures to be on the Virginia ballot on a staffer's fraud. If this GOP nomination thing doesn't work out, Gingrich has a great chance of being hired to lobby for the California Whine Industry. (Janice Hough)

      The Ashley Madison dating website announced Sunday it's endorsing Newt Gingrich for president. The site specializes in discreet encounters for adulterers. Mitt Romney would like every faithful couple to vote for him, but that's not enough, he needs a majority. (Argus Hamilton)

      Texas Governor Rick Perry told disappointed Iowa backers Tuesday he'd fly home to Texas and pray about whether to stay in the race. The next day he tweeted he was in the race to win. Every four years God picks out one candidate to advise for his own amusement. (Argus Hamilton)

      John McCain has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Now, it didn't help that McCain began his endorsement by saying, "From the man who brought you Sarah Palin." (Conan O'Brien)

      John McCain attacked Newt Gingrich for his recent attack on Romney – "I don't think it's appropriate to call your opponent a liar." Actually, both McCain and Gingrich should be experts on the subject of lying – or does "Honey, I've been working late, I'll be right home" not count? (Janice Hough)

      Did everyone see the meteor shooting through the sky Wednesday night? But enough about Rick Santorum. (Frank King)

      Rick Santorum, who is criticizing Romney in his TV ads for being too liberal, endorsed Mitt in the 2008 GOP presidential primaries as the "clear conservative candidate." Who knew - Romney's flip-flopping is turning out to be contagious. (Janice Hough)

      Rick Santorum said that under his presidency, doctors who perform abortions should face criminal charges.  He also said that he would not hesitate to order air strikes on Iran if it manufactured nuclear weapons.  So who would face criminal charges if our bombs killed a pregnant Iranian woman?  (Wendel Potter)

      Rick Santorum gave an emotional victory speech in Iowa on Tuesday. First he read a poem to his wife, then he paid tribute to her, then he hugged her for a full minute. It was obvious to everyone in love that he was either cheating on her or he owes her money. (Argus Hamilton)

      Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's black community, otherwise known as Steve. (Conan O'Brien)

      Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all. (Craig Ferguson)

      Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, "Which way is that?" (Jay Leno)

      Michelle Bachmann has dropped out of the GOP presidential race, saying she was not motivated for the White House by vanity, glory or the quest for power. Those were the reasons she ran for Congress. (Jim Barach)

      Although Michele Bachman dropped out of the GOP presidential race, she also said ""There are many more chapters to be written." You know what that means…. yet another failed-candidate book deal. (Janice Hough)

      Michele Bachmann is out, but I don't think her husband is. (David Letterman)

      So now that Michele O'Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo. (David Letterman)

      Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people. (Stephen Colbert)

      The presidential election means all of us late night guys are going to have to go after the candidates when they screw up. I'll do my bit. But I've got to say, my heart is not really in it. It's just no fun without Herman Cain. (Craig Ferguson)

      Ron Paul was cheered by his college-age supporters Tuesday after he finished third in Iowa. He's vowed to legalize prostitution, marijuana, and cocaine. Two months into a Ron Paul presidency America's top coffee-table magazine would be Charlie Sheen Living. (Argus Hamilton)

      Jon Huntsman calls Ron Paul "unelectable". Which is like Paris Hilton saying that Kim Kardashian can't act. (Jim Barach)

      Singer Kelly Clarkson endorsed Ron Paul for President. Trust me, she is known for making bad decisions. Just ask her nutrition coach. (Alex Schubert)

      Donald Trump has been cleared for a third party presidential run in Texas. He has also asked for Secret Service protection when he visits there in case anyone with a guy mistakes his hair for a prairie dog. (Jim Barach)

      THE BOWLS

      This Alamo Bowl score just in: Offenses 123, Defenses 0, After Baylor's wild 67-56 win over Washington. in the BCS championship, LSU and Alabama are hoping their offenses can combine for at least 123 yards. (Janice Hough)

      During Baylor's wild 67-56 win over Washington, my neck hadn't gotten that kind of a workout since the last Nadal-Federer match. (Charlie Gay)

      Apparently Stanford's kicker was "Tebowing" it in prayer on the sidelines before his end of regulation missed kick. Guess he hasn't seen Tim's results the past few weeks. (Janice Hough)

      Bowl games were traditionally named after fruit -- the Orange Bowl, the Peach Bowl, the Citrus Bow but now fast food companies are getting into the act. At the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl, the fans were constantly reminded of the sponsor. For the coin toss, instead of a coin, they used pepperoni. (Bob Mills)

      Illinois beat UCLA in the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl. Should Kraft really be sponsoring that? The makers of Cheez Whiz, Nabisco and Stove Top Stuffing need to tell their customers to start eating a little less. (Jim Barach)

      We're coming to the end of Capital One Bowl Week, which started about Dec. 17, And they wonder why football players are bad at math. (Janice Hough)

      Texas A & M, which had lost its last five bowl games, won the Meinke Car Care Bowl 33-22 over Northwestern, which has now lost its last nine bowl games. They should have called it the "Something's Got to Give" bowl. (Janice Hough)

      Something snapped on one of those cable-supported, overhead cameras at the Insight Bowl, sending it crashing to the turf late in the fourth quarter. Call off the L&I investigation: Iraqi military leaders are already claiming they shot it down. (Dwight Perry)

      THE MAYAN CALENDAR

      For Christmas, I got a 2012 Mayan calendar.  But I'm returning it.  Half of December is missing. (Wendel Potter)

      According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan? (Jay Leno)

      This is our first show of 2012. Or as my Mayan friends are calling it, "One of our last shows ever!" (Jimmy Fallon) 

      NASA is debunking predictions for the end of the world on December 21, 2012. It won't be until January 20th of 2013 if Newt Gingrich is the one being sworn in as President on that day. (Jim Barach)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama's campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video's a little weird. Halfway through, it's taped over by Joe Biden's recording of "Yo Gabba Gabba." (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama says the U. S. will remain as the world's top military power. That's why he's getting us out of the Middle East. It's tough to call yourself #1 when losing two wars at the same time. (Jim Barach)

      Barack Obama today sidestepped the Senate confirmation process by using a recess appointment to make Richard Cordray the first director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. And the GOP is angry. Very angry. Gosh, does that mean Republicans in Congress might start not working with the President? (Janice Hough)

      President Obama defied Congress and named four recess appointments without any confirmation hearings Tuesday. This is war. The good news is, the military-industrial complex can forget about Iran and get rich selling weapons to Congress and the president. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rick Santorum is now saying Congress should take President Obama to court for his recess appointments for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and the NLRB. (On the second, he appointed 2 Dems and 1 Republican, to keep a quorum.) Fine, but where was Santorum when George W. Bush made his 171 recess appointments? Obama so far has made 28. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama is now promising that unemployment will be down to 8% by election day... and back up to 10% the days after when he and his whole administration are out of work. (Jake Novak) 

      Mexico's Grand Warlock has predicted President Obama will lose in 2012. He was immediately signed as the newest political analyst on Fox News. (Jim Barach)

      THE CONGRESS

      Here's what happened today, while the House was 'in session'. House Speaker John Boeher, said he was absolutely outraged that President Obama appointed Richard Cordray while the Congress was 'in session'. Rep. Jeff Denham, (R-CA) acting as Speaker Pro Tempore and under orders from Boehner, then refused to allow Assistant Democratic Leader James Clyburn to speak on the House floor. Clyburn was trying to say, except that his mic was turned off, "Mr. Speaker, Democrats are here ready to work. We can't wait. We need to extend the payroll tax cuts for the middle class. Where are the Republicans? I call for the payroll tax cut conference committee to get to work." Denham: "We're in session! But you're not allowed to speak, because we're really not!" (Joan McCarter)

      Horses could soon be butchered in the U. S. for human consumption after Congress quietly lifted a 5-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections. Some people support the eating of horse meat, but there are also a lot of "neigh sayers." (Gary Bachman)

      THE MILITARY

      There's a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant. (Conan O'Brien)

      The U. S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it's part of a new initiative called, "Operation Regret This In Five Years." (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE STATES

      Journal Pediatrics called Tuesday for all states to pass laws exempting public breastfeeding from public indecency statutes. It's overdue. Last month one state legislature voted to ban public breastfeeding just in time to adjourn and make happy hour at Hooters. (Argus Hamilton)

      New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is calling for mandatory DNA samples from criminals. Ironically, his predecessor Eliot Spitzer got in trouble because he was caught donating his DNA. (Jim Barach)

      New York Governor Andrew Cuomo pushed Monday for casino gambling to be legal in New York. This'll be fun. Under New York state gambling laws, hedge fund managers will be advised what number is about to come up before you're allowed to spin the roulette wheel. (Argus Hamilton)

      A new law in Illinois prohibits sex offenders from working at county fairs. How can you tell when a food vendor looks suspicious? That ain’t a corn dog he’s battering. (Alan Ray)

      Montana's population has reached a million for the first time. The Census Bureau calls it significant in that there are now 1 Million people who can't afford to live anywhere besides Montana. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      An initiative to require porn actors to wear condoms is on the ballot in Los Angeles. The No group warns about its far-reaching implications. Such a law could become a Trojan horse. (Alan Ray)

      Los Angeles voters will determine if adult film stars will be required to wear condoms. In California they are more concerned about whether former Governor Schwarzenegger should have been wearing a condom on the job. (Jim Barach)

      L. A. voters will get to decide whether porn actors have to to wear condoms while filming in the city. If the measure passes, production will just move to other cities. There are plenty of empty K-marts where porno movies can be filmed for five dollars if they use the existing security cameras. (Argus Hamilton)

      Someone set 53 cars on fire over three days. Police were looking for a Caucasian man with a ponytail. Police should always be looking for a Caucasian man with a ponytail. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Police have detained a suspect in a huge string of arson attacks. This guy was going around Los Angeles setting dozens of cars on fire. And he was setting the cars on fire the old-fashioned way: without a Lakers championship. The car owners whose cars were burned were really upset, except for the people that owned Kias. They were thrilled. (Jay Leno)

      German citizen Harry Burkhart was arrested for setting all the car fires in driveways in L. A. One man kept an entire city cowering in a state of fear and panic for an entire week. It was enough to win him first prize in the Germany's Got Talent contest back home. (Argus Hamilton)

      It turns out the suspect in the arson fires is a German man who is upset about his mother's immigration status. Apparently his mom didn't know you could just walk over from Mexico. (Jay Leno)

      L. A. arsonist Harry Burkhart was reported Tuesday to have been upset that his mother was about to be deported. They ran a massage parlor and advertised sex for one hundred and sixty dollars. People in L. A. don't mind that immigrants drive without a license, or flood our schools and hospitals, but we'll be damned if we're going to sit back while they undercut our prices. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Detroit Police Department is planning to end 24 hour public access to police stations. They are instead offering a guarantee of answering all homicide calls within a half hour or $3 off. (Jim Barach)

      A Massachusetts library sent police officers to collect overdue books from a five year old. Apparently they just wanted to see for themselves that there was a five year old who still actually used the library. (Jim Barach)

      A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that's cool, this morning the "Angry Birds" app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A Wisconsin man was arrested after taking a 150 mile test drive in a 2000 Nissan. Apparently he just wanted to be sure the car was in good enough shape to get him all the way out of Wisconsin. (Jim Barach)

      A North Carolina man tried to use a fake $1 Million bill at a Wal-Mart to buy $476 worth of goods. It would have worked except for the fact that no one who works or shops at a Wal-Mart had no idea what one million is. (Jim Barach)

      THE ECONOMY

      Credit card interest rates are at a four year high, averaging 15.14%. Apparently that's how MasterCard got its name, from having so many people locked in as indentured servants. (Jim Barach)

      Statistics show that more people are renting than buying homes. Mostly because buying a home has become the same as renting. In both cases someone else ends up owning the house. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The Parents Television Council ripped the TV networks Friday for promoting casual sex. Every night it is teen sex

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