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Best Late Night Jokes of 2011

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  • Stan
    From: Steve Yeich BEST LATE NIGHT JOKES OF 2011 Here are some of the best jokes of the year from the late night comedians including Jay Leno,
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 1, 2012
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      From: Steve Yeich <fnvgi@...>

      BEST LATE NIGHT JOKES OF 2011
       

      Here are some of the best jokes of the year from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

      ''Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''Mitt Romney was on the 'Today Show' and admitted he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol.' If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President.'' --Jimmy Kimmel

      ''Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.'' --Jimmy Kimmel

      ''What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?'' --Jon Stewart , on Weinergate

      ''This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house.'' --Jay Leno

      ''Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?'' --Jay Leno

      ''The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here.''' --Craig Ferguson

      ''Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. Bill said, 'Yeah, that's why I'm always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.''' --Jimmy Fallon

      ''Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a speech urging Arab leaders to enact real reforms. Halfway through the speech, Arab leaders looked at each other and asked, 'Why is a woman talking?''' --Conan O'Brien

      ''On 'Good Morning America' yesterday, President Obama said that he's confident that Anthony Weiner will bounce back. Great that's all we need, a bouncing Weiner.'' --Jimmy Fallon

      ''Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.''' --Conan O'Brien

      ''While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi's forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.'' --Jay Leno

      ''Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.'' --Craig Ferguson

      ''A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he's seeing on the side.'' --Jay Leno

      ''If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.'' --Jimmy Kimmel

      ''The Wisconsin Legislature introduced a bill making it illegal to make a prank phone call. The bill is sponsored by State Senator Dick Hertz.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he's not on the Intelligence Committee.'' --Jay Leno

      ''A reporter in Florida was forced into a closet by Joe Biden's staff to keep him from talking to guests at a fund-raiser. The guy said it wouldn't have been so bad if Biden wasn't already in there for the same reason.'' --Jimmy Fallon

      ''I guess 'love child' is a nicer term than 'OK-Maria's-asleep child.' The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff.'' --Craig Ferguson, on Arnold Schwarzenegger's affair with his maid

      ''President Obama met with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in Silicon Valley yesterday. Zuckerberg said he could create new jobs. The bad news? They're all in Farmville.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''Joe Lieberman announced he won't run for re-election. In a related story, Steven Seagal removes himself from Oscar contention.'' --Stephen Colbert

      ''Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name ... Anthony Weiner.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''Yesterday Congressman Weiner contacted Nancy Pelosi to let her know he was resigning. Weiner let her know by texting her a picture of his penis cleaning out its desk.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''Apparently, Congressman Weiner has called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. That's when you know you have a problem. Your sexual behavior has offended Bill Clinton!'' --Jay Leno

      ''President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.''' --Conan O'Brien

      ''Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing.''--Jay Leno

      ''Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won 'Apprentice.' Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment center for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress.'' --Jay Leno

      ''Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an actor.'' --Jay Leno

      ''The CIA is now arming the Libyan rebels, which means that in 10 years, we'll be fighting them.'' --David Letterman

      ''Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now wants to outlaw prostitution. Let's make politicians illegal and keep the hookers.  At least they're upfront about screwing you.'' --Jay Leno

      ''President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.'' --Jimmy Kimmel

      ''There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.'' --David Letterman

      ''George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''The President of China is in Washington. It's a bit like when you're into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello.'' --Jimmy Kimmel

      ''Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working.'' --Conan O'Brien

      ''We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.'' --Jay Leno
       
      Compiled by Steve Yeich darnfunnyonline.com
       

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