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Comedy Wire News 12-04-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    From: The Comedy Wire COMEDY WIRE NEWS 12-04-11 By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth Friday, December 2, 2011 Pump It Up Elvis
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 6, 2011
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      From: The Comedy Wire <http://www.comedy-wire.com/joke.htm>

      COMEDY WIRE NEWS 12-04-11
      By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth 

      Friday, December 2, 2011
      Pump It Up

      Elvis Costello's record label brought out a limited edition CD-book box set on him that's priced at $225, but he advised fans not to buy it. On his website, Elvis said the price "appears to be either a misprint or a satire." He suggests instead buying a 10-disc Louis Armstrong box set. He said it's under $150 and the music is "vastly superior." 

      * This is why nobody honest is ever put in charge of marketing. 

      * Louis Armstrong's record label immediately raised the price to $225. 

      * If Justin Bieber had his integrity, he would never have sold a single CD. (Reeder & Ainsworth)    

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      Thursday, December 1, 2011
      Is That Rudolph's Head On The Wall?

      For the second Christmas in a row, the Scottsdale, Arizona, Gun Club is offering a unique holiday memento: a photo with Santa and your choice of guns. Your family members can pose with Santa holding your choice of anything from pistols to assault rifles, grenade launchers, AK-47s or an $80,000 machine gun. Some media critics are appalled, but the Gun Club says it's just good family fun for people who want to express their holiday spirit and their passions for their hobby and the Second Amendment. It's so popular that this year, they doubled the price of the photos to $10. 

      * Nobody argues with them about handing over their money. 

      * Santa's loaded, and so is his gun. 

      * If Santa looks even fatter than usual, it might be the bullet-proof vest. 

      * Santa has flying reindeer, so this combines the best parts of deer hunting and duck hunting. 

      * Santa has a concealed carry permit...There's a Glock in his beard. 

      * To be fair, Santa does go out late at night carrying a lot of expensive merchandise into some pretty bad neighborhoods. (Reeder & Ainsworth)

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      Wednesday, November 30, 2011
      Even More Embarrassing: It Was A Pinkie Ring

      London firefighters released a report of 417 unusual emergency calls they've had to deal with. They include people stuck in handcuffs, kids with toilet seats stuck on their heads, a person whose fingers were stuck in a DVD player, a man stuck in a child-size toy car, a youth wedged in an ironing board, and 160 incidents of people who needed stuck rings removed, including a man who showed up at Queen Elizabeth Hospital with a ring stuck on his penis. It took 10 firefighters 20 minutes to cut it off after doctors were unable to pry it off. A spokesman urged the public to think carefully about whether it's really an emergency before calling the emergency line. 

      * For instance, wait to see if your erection lasts four hours before calling a doctor to remove your ring. 

      * I don't believe it requires any debate to decide that having a ring stuck on your penis is an emergency. 

      * Sometimes, all it takes is a little lubricant...Of course, if you're in handcuffs with a ring stuck on your penis, chances are you've already tried that. 

      * That man showed up at Queen Elizabeth Hospital with a ring stuck on his penis 57 times...And he was dressed as Queen Elizabeth. 

      * Did it really take 10 firefighters, or were most of them just there to laugh? (Reeder & Ainsworth)    

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      Tuesday, November 29, 2011
      Bring The Grinch In For Questioning

      Christmas shopping invaded Thanksgiving, and now Christmas is getting invaded by another holiday. In Chicago, someone stole up to $200,000 from the safe of the company that ran the Dream Reapers Halloween haunted house in Melrose Park. To try to recoup enough money to pay for next year, the haunted house will reopen in December, in hopes that people will want to take a break from all the cheery Christmas decorations to be terrified. 

      * Wasn't the fear of getting trampled by crazed Black Friday shoppers scary enough? 

      * Too late: after Thanksgiving with the relatives and Black Friday, nothing scares me anymore. 

      * Personally, I find Frosty the Snowman terrifying enough. (Reeder & Ainsworth)    

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      Monday, November 28, 2011
      Para-Abnormal Activity

      73-year-old grandmother Doris Birch of Herne Bay, England, claims she can't sleep because she keeps getting groped by a ghost. She said the horny poltergeist is "like an octopus." It started four months ago, when she was lying in bed and felt a creepy pair of hands on her. She said she kicked frantically and it went away, but it kept coming back. She even tried getting a new mattress, to no avail. She said it's giving her the jitters and harassing her, and "I need to call in the Ghostbusters." A local husband-and-wife ghost hunting team say they'll come over, and the man will try to draw the ghost into him so it can be captured in a "vortex of light" and sent to the other side.

      * He's just hoping that this particular ghost is bisexual. 

      * It must be the ghost of Ben Franklin...He liked the older women. 

      * He likes to grope 73-year-old women?...Have any TSA agents died recently? 

      * They're hoping the ghost is Muslim so they can convince him there are 72 virgins on the other side. 

      * She might've enjoyed it if his hands weren't SO cold! 

      * They believe it might be Casper, the overly-friendly ghost. 

      * Politico.com wants to know she's absolutely certain it wasn't Herman Cain. (Reeder & Ainsworth)  

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