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Weakly Humerus News 12-03-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-03-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE HUMERUS NEWS WILL RETURN ON 01-03-12 TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK GOP presidential frontrunner Newt Gingrich
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 4, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-03-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      HUMERUS NEWS WILL RETURN ON 01-03-12

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      GOP presidential frontrunner Newt Gingrich today vowed that his days of infidelity were behind him, telling an audience in Iowa, "I've screwed all the women I want – all that's left is America." (Andy Borowitz) 

      You know, I don't know what the Republicans are crowing about. Losing Barney Frank is the worst thing that could happen to conservatives. He is the perfect avatar of everything they hate: gay, Jewish, Taxachusetts, arrogant, condescending liberal. He's your everything bagel. (Jon Stewart)

      After hearing all the horror stories about violent shoppers taking advantage of Black Friday sales, I'm convinced it should be called Black and Blue Friday. (Nancy Jo Perdue) 

      Tim Tebow's only loss as an NFL starter came against Detroit. Christians have never fared well against the Lions. (Derek Wilken)

      The only reason Mitt Romney hasn’t had any sex scandals is he keeps changing positions.

      At the Scottsdale Gun Club you can have your picture taken with Santa and your favorite gun. It's part of Santa’s plan to raise the caliber of Christmas. (Bill Williams)

      Ironically, all these women making claims about presidential candidate Herman Cain has had a Dominos' effect. (Tim Hunter)

      Hey, what's the difference between Herman Cain and Dr. Conrad Murray? Conrad Murray will get to serve a full four-year term. (Jay Leno)

      If we had Thanksgiving dinner with the Republican Congress, we probably would have starved. They wouldn't have passed anything. (Will Durst)

      A Packers fan who ordered a green and gold coffin is angry with the casket company because there's not enough room for eight men in the box. (Dwight Perry)

      SI swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker debuted La Senza's new line of lingerie on Thanksgiving. I'll bet there were no complaints about her dressing. (RJ Currie)

      I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name. (Author Unknown)

      THE SCANDALS -- HERMAN CAIN

      A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress. (Jay Leno)

      On Herman Cain's "alleged" 13 year extramarital affair with Ginger White, Lin Wood, Cain's lawyer states, "The accusation is a matter of "private, alleged consensual conduct between adults" that isn't "a proper subject of inquiry by the media or the public." John Edwards, Newt Gingrich, Arnold Schwarzenegger and many others in both parties agree. (Stan Kegel)

      Herman Cain said he didn’t have a affair, but he simply helped a friend financially. Instead of a "Sugar Daddy" does that make him a "Sugar Cain?" (Janice Hough)

      Herman Cain Denies 13-Year Affair -- It was 9 years, 9 months, and 9 days. (Neil Berliner)

      A thirteen-year affair just proves you can carry on a stable relationship – two, counting your marriage. (Stephen Colbert)

      Herman Cain was named by a woman who claimed having a thirteen-year love affair with him Monday. Four women claim that he sexually harassed them. At one point in his marriage, Herman Cain stopped being unfaithful, but some things are like riding a bike. (Argus Hamilton)

      13 years? That is an admirable commitment to the woman with whom you are violating your spousal commitment with. (Jon Stewart)

      A woman is now alleging that she and Herman Cain had a 13 year affair. His campaign released a statement saying that a candidates for political office and public officials should not "be questioned about his or her private sexual life." Right, it's just regular folks who need a constitutional amendment. defending marriage. (Janice Hough)

      Before he goes to his wife to confess or whatever, Cain should think WWTD: "What would Tiger do?" (Tim Loulies)

      Cain should do a Kobe Bryant — no less than four carats! He needs to walk in with his arms full — jewelry, money, flowers, everything! His wife should say, "How much pizza money you got left?"  (Sheryl Underwood) 

      When speaking to his wife, Cain should think fast -- faster than he has when confronted with questions about foreign policy. Don’t pause as long as you did when they asked you about Libya. Admit you are cheating on her and cheat on her again. It seemed to work fine for Newt Gingrich. (Steve Hofstetter)

      Another woman came forward with allegations about Herman Cain. I think she's number 9-9-9 now. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Herman Cain says he's "reassessing his campaign," which is code for, "For God's sake! Are there any more out there?" (Tim Hunter)

      Another woman has come forward. Herman Cain is starting to look like a black Tiger Woods. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that lasted 13 years. I don't know who the accuser is, but I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian. (Jimmy Fallon)

      With Herman Cain we're up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say. (Stephen Colbert)

      Herman Cain's latest accuser, a woman named Ginger White, said the affair with Herman Cain lasted for 13 years. She knew Herman Cain was married. Just as the other four women who accused him of sexual harassment, they knew Herman Cain was married. In fact, the only one who didn't realize Herman Cain was married was Herman Cain. (Jay Leno)

      This new woman says the affair was consensual. I'd say things are looking up. (Stephen Colbert)

      Herman Cain told Wolf harassment accusations are baseless because there is no documentation. Of course, there's a lot of documentation when you grab for a crotch. (Bill Maher)

      Mr. Cain got a got a harsh scolding from Republican frontrunner Newt Gingrich: “If Herman is in fact having sex with millions of Americans, he needs to do the right thing and marry them. (Andy Borowitz) 

      Herman Cain’s campaign may be over. It's finally coming out. He wants to spend more time with your wife. (Bryan Cox)

      Note to Herman Cain. Homosexuality is NOT a choice. Monogamy, on the other hand, is a choice. (Janice Hough)

      Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there's no time to campaign. (Jay Leno)

      In a new poll of likely GOP voters, 28% think Herman Cain had an extramarital affair, 28% do not think he had an affair, and 44% are having an affair with Herman Cain right now. (Andy Borowitz)

      THE SCANDALS -- COLLEGE SPORTS

      Joe Amendola, Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer now says he might have to talk to his client at some point about pleading guilty to charges of child sex abuse. Not that things weren’t bad enough before, but when your lawyer who married his 16 year old CLIENT after he got her pregnant (true, you can google it) thinks you’re too guilty to defend, well it’s probably over. (Janice Hough)

      Italian is such an expressive language. For instance, "paterno" in Italian means "father figure." Joe must have been that and more to Coach Sandusky. Almost every weekend, he gave him the keys to the shower room. (Bob Mills)

      Penn State ex-vice president Vicky Triponey said Joe Paterno always fought to cover up news of players who got in trouble with the law over the years. He couldn't cover up everything. The team would be undefeated every year if it weren't for the Associated Press. (Argus Hamilton)

      Pepsi says it will continue to be a sponsor of Penn State football. However, its new slogan has been rejected by school officials. Pepsi: the Choice of a New Grand Jury. (Alan Ray) 

      So what did coaches like Joe Paterno and Joe Boeheim really say during those recruiting trips? – “Yeah we’ll carefully look after your sons, but you’d better guard their little brothers on visiting weekends.” (Janice Hough)

      THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES

      There have been 14 Republican debates so far, with 12 more scheduled. If the "Occupy" folks are still looking for a cause, I think I've found it.  (Tim Hunter) 

      The N. H. Union Leader endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Which puts Newt in position to follow their last endorsements. Presidents Pete DuPont (1988), Pat Buchanan (1992 and 1996), Steve Forbes (2000), and John McCain (2008). (Janice Hough)

      Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney. (Jay Leno)

      Bill Clinton called Newt Gingrich an articulate conservative problem-solver Monday and praised his intellect. They were both derailed by intern scandals. It brings back memories of a happier time when America's biggest problem was that the girls might talk. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney called Newt Gingrich a "lifelong politician". Romney is different in that he is just a lifelong presidential candidate. (Jim Barach)

      Newt Gingrich doesn’t just have skeletons in his closet, he has the whole bone army from the 7th Voyage of Sinbad. Makes the Killing Fields look like a pre- school, day care, toy box. (Will Durst)

      Newt Gingrich led all GOP candidates in the polls Friday although only nine percent approve of his past personal life. It depends on how you spin it. Detractors say he lived immorally back when he was Speaker of the House, while supporters say that if he could match President Clinton intern-for-intern, he should be able to match him in creating jobs. (Argus Hamilton)

      Newt Gingrich suggested Tuesday that local panels could review the status of illegal immigrants. He wants legal, non-voting status for illegals who have been in the U. S. for decades, set down roots and have families here. In Newt Gingrich's office his staff has two hundred file cabinets labeled Newt's Ideas, except for one that's labeled Newt's Good Ideas. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney admitted in People magazine that as a teenager he experimented with alcohol and cigarettes. He said at that age he could have gone either way, much like his political positions today. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney admitted in Iowa Monday he once tasted beer and tried a cigarette. He said it happened back when he was a wayward teenager. He didn't understand the huge laugh it got until an aide told him he was addressing an Alcoholics Anonymous convention. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rick Perry spoke to a group of New Hampshire college students and told them he'd "appreciate their vote if they were turning 21 by Nov. 12." The election is Nov 6, 2012. Good thing Perry forgot the third thing he was going to tell them.  (Janice Hough)

      Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber has banned all executions in the state. Oregon: That third thing Rick Perry wanted to get rid of. (Alex Schubert)

      Rick Perry launched national TV ads Monday which show that he's much better with some rehearsal and editing than he is on live TV. If he's elected president, all his speeches should be pre-taped. That way if he declares war on the wrong country we can fix it in post. (Argus Hamilton)

      Republican candidate Rick Perry is denying rumors that his top advisers are being demoted. Yep, Perry was like, "I want to make it clear that at no point in this campaign have I had any advisers."(Jimmy Kimmel)

      A memory expert is offering memorization tips to Rick Perry. It's quite simple, really. It's called 'pen and paper'. (Alex Schubert)

      In a decision that raised some eyebrows in the nutrition community, the Food and Drug Administration announced today that it had declared Texas Governor Rick Perry a vegetable. (Andy Borowitz) 

      Herman Cain was reported Monday to be considering dropping out of the race for the GOP presidential nomination. Nevertheless, his candidacy served two valuable purposes in this election. He showed that the Tea Party wasn't racist and he made Newt look faithful. (Argus Hamilton)

      Cain today told his supporters to "stay informed because stupid people are running America." Not necessarily disagreeing with him, but some even stupider people want to be running America. (Janice Hough)

      Herman Cain is making news again. His poll numbers are down, but the number of women he's polling is up. (Jay Leno)

      Herman Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because there's never any room under him. (Conan O'Brien)

      What's next for the former pizza mogul? A line of t-shirts saying "I had an inappropriate relationship with Herman Cain and all I got was a lousy order of Hot Wings? (Janice Hough)

      Asked how he's reacting to the fact that his poll numbers are dropping like a rock, Herman Cain said, "Iraq? Is that the one that's right next door to Libya?"  (Frank King)

      A study says that jobs with a higher risk of sexual harassment also come with higher salaries. Which means that Herman Cain is having to really work on getting donations to pay his campaign staff the going rate. (Jim Barach)

      GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said this week that gay people do have the right to get married, as long as they married someone of the opposite sex. Like her husband Marcus did? (Janice Hough)

      Michele Bachmann recently came out in favor of waterboarding: "Ya know, just because it's unpopular, that's no reason to keep it out of The Olympics!" (Neil Berliner)

      Donald Trump told reporters Monday he may still run for president as a third-party candidate. He must first clear up a legal problem at his golf club in Southern California. Last month illegal immigrants were busted for using a gas-powered leaf blower on his hair. (Argus Hamilton)

      OCCUPY WALL STREET & CLONES

      Wal-Mart opened on Thanksgiving Day where Wall Street protesters tried to disrupt business. It didn't go as planned. The protesters walked into the store to overthrow the capitalist system and they walked out with flat-screen TVs for just two hundred dollars. (Argus Hamilton)

      Police in Los Angeles and Philadelphia raided Occupy camps, making arrests and throwing protesters in jail. That will teach them to take up residence on public property at the expense of the people. (Jim Barach)

      Occupy L. A. encampment is over and with it, the world's longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York tonight, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. A dozen protesters are living in the tree right now. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I don't know if you know the Occupy L. A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted. As of this morning, according to reports, and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey's house. (Conan O'Brien)

      How many of you are here just because you got kicked out of Occupy L. A.? The police shut down the camp, so it's time for the homeless people to go back to the public library where they belong. And at last the park can be returned to its rightful owners, crack salesmen. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      After two months, the LAPD broke up the Occupy protest outside city hall here in Los Angeles last night. Surprisingly, the police didn't find any drugs on the premises which means that the police are not very good at finding drugs. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall, still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Five people were arrested at the Occupy LA camp when they refused to leave after it was closed down.  Now they’ll get to occupy LA County Jail.  At least it will be cleaner and the food will probably be better. (Steve Yeich)

      Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot. Yeah, in a related story, everyone's head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded. (Conan O'Brien)

      PEPPER SPRAY

      A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the U. C. Davis police department. (Jay Leno)

      One woman at a Wal-Mart pepper sprayed another customer so she could get the last XBox 360.  Police tracked her down later at her job.  She's a security officer at the University of California at Davis. (Wendel Potter)  

      Los Angeles police arrested a woman who pepper-sprayed other shoppers at a local WalMart Friday. She sprayed them to keep them from getting to the bargains ahead of her. She brought the pepper spray to use on the Occupy WalMart protesters but they were all sitting in the Medical Marijuana aisle. (Argus Hamilton)

      In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States. (Craig Ferguson)

      You know what we should do? We should set up Herman Cain with that woman with the pepper spray at Walmart. She'd slow him down. (Jay Leno)

      There are some things that you can get on Black Friday that you can't on Cyber Monday, like being pepper sprayed in the face. (Craig Ferguson)

      A woman pepper-sprayed her fellow Black Friday shoppers at an L. A.-area WalMart. She just discovered there's no such thing as a Ndamukong Suh video game. (Bill Littlejohn)

      I'm not sure how I feel about people buying gifts online. If you care about someone, go to Target at midnight and get them pepper spray. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Black Friday sales soared 6.6%. The most popular items for shoppers were pepper spray and guns to protect themselves from the other shoppers.  (Jim Barach)

      It's Cyber Monday, when everyone shops online. As soon as I woke up I pepper sprayed myself. (Conan O'Brien)

      HORSE MEAT

      Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit. (Conan O'Brien)

      Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, "There was a ban on that?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Horses could soon be butchered in the U.S. for human consumption after Congress quietly lifted a 5-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections. Some people support the eating of horse meat, but there are also a lot of 'neigh sayers'. (Gary Bachman)

      THE HUMPHRUES-KARDASHIAN MARRIAGE

      Basketball player, Kris Humphries has reportedly told Kim Kardashian that she has no talent and her fame would not last.  We may have an example of the pot calling the kettle black here, Mr. 5.6 points per game career average.  (Steve Yeich)

      Kris Humphries' divorce from Kim Kardashian might take a while. As a New Jersey Net, he's not used to initiating a fast break. (Alan Ray)

      Kris Humphries is seeking a separation from Kim Kardashian. Apparently he missed the episode of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" where she divorces him. (Jim Barach)

      Kris Humphries now wants his marriage to Kim Kasdashian annulled, saying that it was a “fraud.” Making him perhaps the last person in America who paid attention to the marriage to figure that out. (Janice Hough)

      Kris Humphries has requested an annulment from Kim Kardashian, alleging fraud. That brings up just one question. Did he ever meet her or her family before marrying into it? (Jim Barach)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama went shopping and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, "When I'm president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores." (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States? (Jimmy Fallon)

      It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year's Christmas is 'Shine, Give, Share.' While rumor is, the theme of next year's White House Christmas will be 'Clean, Pack, Move'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia 'The Phantom Tollbooth,' while Malia bought Barack 'Economics for Dummies. That's right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China's credit card statement. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Arizona conservatives last week demanded to see a microfiche of President Obama's birth certificate before they'll put him on the ballot. They don't buy the original copy he produced in July. The eye sees what the eye sees, and Van Gogh's signature looks a little off. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, "I am so sorry about Thanksgiving." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Joe Biden is on a goodwill trip to Iraq. He discovered a country in economic chaos sharply divided by polarizing cultural and class factions. And after he left DC, it was on to Baghdad. (Alan Ray) 

      Drug Enforcement agents discovered a long, fully-ventilated tunnel being used to smuggle marijuana into San Diego. Now it's being put to lawful use. After the pot was removed, commuters began using it as an alternative to the bumper-to-bumper 405. (Bob Mills)

      Patient advocacy groups are protesting the Obama administration's nomination of Marilyn Tavenner to head Medicare and Medicaid. It's not because Tavenner is not a doctor, it's just that most of her training is as an undertaker. (Jake Novak)

      The USDA has fined the Ringling Brothers circus nearly $300,000 for mistreating the animals. But what about the clowns? Anybody thought of them? Huh, shoving 20 of them in that little car, does that seem right? Getting shot out of a cannon every 20

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