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Weakly Humerus News 11-26-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-26-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 26, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-26-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century. (David Letterman)

      A man was arrested last week for shooting at the White House.  When asked why he did it he said, "Ah, it was worth a shot." (Steve Yeich)

      I sent my kid to Penn State to become a Tight End, but when he came back he was a Wide Receiver. (Kirk Miller)   

      Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: An empty cup. (Jimmy Fallon)

      More proof Mitt Romney is already looking toward his general-election campaign: the former Massachusetts governor released his first ad attacking the president, and it’s already sparked controversy for misleadingly chopping off a line from Obama’s speech. In the speech from the 2008 campaign Obama said, "Senator McCain's campaign actually said, and I quote, 'If we keep talking about the economy, we're going to lose.'" The Romney ad snips the line down to “If we keep talking about the economy, we’re going to lose” - making it appear as if Obama were referring to himself and the Democrats. Mitt Romney will do anything to get elected – he's running for president, for Pete's sake! (Paul Steinhauser)

      Pamela Anderson is going to play the Virgin Mary. And that is probably the last time you will ever hear Pamala Anderson and Virgin used in the same sentence. (Rowen Witt)

      In olden times, Thanksgiving was the one day of year that people in the country overate. Now we do it all 365 days. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I had Thanksgiving at my house this year. I served turkey, mashed potatoes, and pepper spray. The spray did double duty; it was the vegetable, and it made my stupid family leave early. (Bill Williams)

      A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama's easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a 'gotcha' question. That's when you know things are bad: When you're attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media. (Jay Leno) 

      The Super Committee failed to get a budget deal in Congress. None of them wanted to risk their jobs by voting for something unpopular. Forbes just revealed that there are two hundred fifty millionaires sitting in Congress, the rest are in their first term. (Argus Hamilton)   

      Congress is considering a bill to ban airlines from charging fees for checked bags. That will clear the way for Congress to impose a new tax on checked bags. (Jake Novak)

      Microsoft is apparently designing rooms for a hotel in France. You can tell the rooms are from Microsoft. Every time you open the window, they just freeze and need to be reinstalled. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Hulk Hogan's ex got 70 per cent in the divorce settlement. Years in a wrestling ring, and his worst beating comes from a wedding ring. (RJ Currie)

      Honestly, you can sneak into the movie (Twilight: Breaking Dawn) an hour and a half in and not miss anything. (Peter Vonder)

      The Black Eyed Peas deny rumors they are breaking up. If they do break up, would they be called the Split Peas? (Gary Bachman)

      Discovery Channel shows two men escaping Botswana's marshland on Dual Survival Sunday. We use many terms from the jungle. For instance, a cougar is an older woman who seduces young men, and an older man who seduces young boys is called a Nittany Lion. (Argus Hamilton)

      Utah has the lowest electricity bills in the country. Mostly because it is much more efficient to have all your wives share just one curling iron. (Jim Barach)

      TWILIGHT-BREAKING DAWN

      "Breaking Dawn" took in over $139 million this weekend. With an audience that was 80 percent women. Amazing. How the heck did some of those women get men to go with them? (Janice Hough)

      By opening "Breaking Dawn" the weekend before Black Friday, millions of American men may decide that if their wives or girlfriends give them choice, they'd rather go shopping. (Janice Hough)

      The big movie was the latest installment of 'Twilight' It made more than $140 million over the weekend. I have to say it's refreshing to finally see a story about wolves and teen pregnancy that doesn't involve the Palins. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      There are rumors that people have developed seizures while watching the movie "Twilight, Breaking Dawn." Which means millions of men will be telling their wives/partners/girlfriends- "Honey, of course I'd love to see the movie with you, but my doctor recommends against it. (Janice Hough)

      'Twilight' is for young people, but that's why I don't like it. It sends a bad message. It teaches young people that vampires have feelings and werewolves are sexy. (Craig Ferguson)

      By any normal standard, this is a terrible movie, with stilted dialogue and leaden pacing—every 15 minutes or so, the action stops for a musical montage involving slow-motion handsomeness. But the Twilight saga stopped being normal a long time ago. (Dana Stephens)

      Regarding the new movies "Breaking Dawn" and "The Descendants," what's more unbelievable? That a woman would marry a vampire? Or that a woman would cheat on George Clooney? (Janice Hough)

      The movie's tagline states, "Forever is only the beginning" After a few minutes of viewing this lifeless pap, we realize that it's not a slogan at all. It's a warning. (Kimberly Gadette)

      It rained so hard in LA it washed a straight dude into a showing of "Breaking Dawn." (Alex Kaseberg)  

      Some teenage boys may have been crazy like foxes and gone to a showing to meet teenage girls. (Janice Hough) 

      Twilight is to real horror as cotton candy is to real food. But only if the cotton candy is spun out of arsenic and crystal meth, because for the metaphor to be accurate, it needs to be something that is sickly sweet but genuine poison. (Drew McWeeny)

      What we learn in this all-pain/no-pleasure episode is that marriage feels like a life sentence, weddings are miserable events, honeymoon sex is dangerous and leaves a bride covered in bruises, and pregnancy is a torment that leads to death in exchange for birth. Also, during pregnancy, families fight like werewolves and vampires.  (Lisa Schwarzbaum)

      But a significant number of its 117 minutes do seem like hours, and whenever certain actors take the lead and set the pace of the dialogue, time itself begins to crawl backward and the breaking dawn begins to feel like yesterday’s breaking dawn, or last Tuesday’s (Michael Phillips)

      Breaking Dawn is both overlong and understuffed. I lived a thousand lifetimes watching it, and died a thousand deaths. The worst one was when Edward looked up “immortalicum” on Yahoo! search. On Yahoo! search. (Dan Kois)

      Forget that the film is too long and not very exciting, that the dialogue is still as deadly as a vampire bite, and that some of it is SPOKEN BY WOLVES. (Bill Goodykoontz)

      I saw the movie and I’ll tell you something. For someone who can't see himself in the mirror, Edward’s hair looks amazing. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      To be fair, Stewart shows more life here than in previous installments (which still ain't saying much), while the Cullens' primary method of emoting appears to be widening their eyes (rigor mortis having apparently frozen the muscles used for facial expression). And then there's Taylor Lautner. Wow. I'd compare his performance to a block of wood, but that'd be an insult to the lumber industry. (Peter Vonder)

      It breaks my heart to tell you that "Breaking Dawn" is broken. Maybe the studio suits have begun to believe the franchise, like the classy Cullen clan, is immortal, that almost nothing can kill it. They'd better hope that last bit is true, because "Breaking Dawn" kinda sucks, in the metaphoric rather than the vampiric sense. The film doesn't have nearly the bite — ferocious or delicious — that any self-respecting vampire movie really should. It's as if all the life has drained away. (Betsy Sharkey)

      Maybe this is all a plot. By opening "Breaking Dawn" the weekend before Black Friday, millions of American men may decide that if their wives or girlfriends give them choice, they'd rather go shopping. (Janice Hough)

      Saw the new Twilight movie over the weekend. Loved the Thanksgiving scene, where Bella asked for a drumstick, Jacob reach for a thigh and Edward went for the neck. (Tim Hunter)

      I hate the fact that the 'Twilight' vampires don't turn into bats. That's so unrealistic. Everyone knows in real life, vampires turn into bats. (Craig Ferguson)

      THANKSGIVING

      Thanksgiving is upon us once more. It's a time for American Indians to reflect on that period in history when those Occupy North America protesters got off the boat at Plymouth Rock, took over the country and helped make it what it is today. (Wendel Potter) 

      On Thanksgiving, ABC will air their first holiday special hosted by Lady Gaga.  It will be a typical Thanksgiving celebration with turkey, oyster dressing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie.   And that's just her wardrobe. (Bob Mills)

      If we had Thanksgiving dinner with the Republican Congress, we probably would have starved. They wouldn't have passed anything. (Will Durst)

      The weather forecast for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is calling for high winds.  But that's just while the Newt Gingrich float passes by. (Wendel Potter)

      President Obama pardoned two turkeys last week, named “Liberty” and “Peace”.  I don’t want to tell you what happened to the other two, Gingrich and Romney. (Tim Hunter)

      President Obama is certainly a forgiving kind of guy.  He says he'll include the entire Supercommittee in his annual presidential turkey pardon. (Wendel Potter)

      The average cost of this year's Thanksgiving dinner is 13% higher than last year.  That's for 1% of the country.  The other 99% of us have had to cut costs by buying a couple of cans of SPAM Oven Roasted Turkey. (Wendel Potter)

      It's remarkable these days how people who retire are able to reinvent themselves and find new careers.  Like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade had two new floats this year -- Larry King and Regis Philbin. (Bob Mills)

      I'm not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, "Well, if he's found guilty." (Jay Leno)

      In America, Thanksgiving is celebrated by sitting down with family and friends and stuffing ourselves at a table laden with a giant feast.  Unlike the other 364 days a year where we do the same thing but without all those people. (Wendel Potter)

      Thanksgiving allows families across America to reunite on Thursday. Thank God for football. When you consider what can happen when relatives drink wine within reach of a carving knife, you realize the Dallas Cowboys game has saved more lives than penicillin. (Argus Hamilton)

      PETA released an ad for Thanksgiving targeting kids saying, "If you wouldn't eat a dog, why eat a turkey?"  All the kids from Korean and Vietnamese families in the United States are like, "What's the problem?"  (Steve Yeich)

      P.E.T.A. says that turkeys are now so fat, they can't stand up. They're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry. That's what the turkeys say about us. (Jay Leno)

      10,000 people showed up for free Thanksgiving turkey dinners being given away in Los Angeles. It was obvious which of them were Dodger fans. They showed up after the salad and left before the dessert. (Jim Barach)

      I like putting marshmallows on the sweet potato. I don't see why we don't put them on all our vegetables all the time. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      PEPPER SPRAY 

      Fox News dismissed the pepper spraying at UC Davis, calling it a food product. And mustard gas is just a really strong antihistamine. And… (Will Durst)

      I don't think we have the right to Monday-morning quarterback the police, particularly at a place like UC Davis, which is a fairly liberal campus. (Bill O'Reilly)

      Pepper spray is nothing more than a derivative of pepper. It’s a food product essentially.”  (Megyn Kelly)

      Fox's Megyn Kelly referred to the pepper spray that University Police used on U.C. Davis students as "a food product." Well, heck, let's put the stuff in school cafeterias then. The spray could be used both for discipline problems and as a vegetable. (Janice Hough)

      If pepper spray is a vegetable does this make salsa a multi-vitamin? (Janice Hough)

      Maybe he was just trying to feed them? (Max Read)

      On Thursday night during an early Black Friday sale, a shopper in a Southern California WalMart allegedly used pepper spray to keep others away from things she wanted to buy. In the woman's defense, she claimed she was just in the spirit of Thanksgiving by sharing food with others. (Janice Hough)

      Police are looking for the woman who used pepper spray on her fellow shoppers during a "door buster" sale at WalMart this morning. Of course, she probably just went back to her job at UC Davis. (Jake Novak) 

      OCCUPY WALL STREET

      I now have a theory about the real motive behind Occupy Wall Street.  The protesters have actually been waiting all this time to get into 'Breaking Dawn'. (Wendel Potter)

      It turns out Oakland Mayor Jean Quan's husband has been working closely with the out-of-control "Occupy Oakland" protesters Quan has been battling for weeks. Of course, this probably means Quan's husband has been pretty unsuccessful trying to occupy his wife lately.  (Jake Novak)  

      Last week the Occupy Wall Street protesters occupied the New York City subways, because that's where they thought they would find all the millionaires? (Steve Yeich)

      Occupy Wall Street protesters vowed to sit-in at Bloomingdale's and Saks to protest Friday's sales. This could get ugly. As badly as they reacted last week to pepper spray in California they'll never make it past the product demonstrators at the perfume counter. (Argus Hamilton)

      The "Occupy" movement is now planning several protests at major shopping centers starting today. Disrupting the stock market is one thing, but when they mess with people on food stamps who are trying to get an XBox at Walmart, there's going to be a major beat down! (Jake Novak)

      Occupy Wall Street protesters announced they will occupy the subways of New York Thursday. They think they're going to confront the rich while they ride a subway. It's the first proof that the staff in the kitchen tent has been putting LSD in the Lobster Thermidor. (Argus Hamilton)

      JERRY SANDUSKY  

      At Sandusky's arraignment, the judge reportedly asked him, "How does 8-9 years sound?" He replied, "sexy." (Author Unknown)

      If disgraced Nittany Lions coach Jerry Sandusky gets sent to prison, it will be poetic justice. He'll go from Penn to sentence. (RJ Currie)

      Penn State Coach Sandusky's favorite Elton John song is "Don't let your son go down on me." (Rich Orwell)

      Inmates HATE child molesters.  When Sandusky gets to prison, he will be showered with attention. (Rich Orwell) 

       

      Jerry Sandusky has attempted to escape police by jumping into the sea. The Coastguard found him bobbing up and down on a small buoy! (Author Unknown) 

       

      You may hate Jerry Sandusky, but at least he drove slowly through school zones. (Author Unknown)

       

      Jerry Sandusky walks into an elementary school just as classes are let out for the day, when a teacher approaches him and asks, "So which child is yours?" Sandusky replies: "I don't care, surprise me." (Author Unknown)

        

      It has been reported that Jerry Sandusky was often late for work, which is understandable as he liked to come in a little behind. (Author Unknown)

       

      When I was a kid I was very ill in a hospital for quite some time, and I remember when Jerry Sandusky came to visit me. I was touched. (Author Unknown)

      When's bedtime at the Sandusky house When the big hand touches the little hand. (Author Unknown)

      Most people probably don't know that Jerry Sandusky was also a ventriloquist. He would put his hand up a boy's bum and tell him not to talk. (Author Unknown)

      Ex-FBI Director Louis Freeh has been chosen to lead the investigation into the Penn State sex scandal. Apparently he had nothing else to do these days, like look into how Wall Street took down the entire economy. (Jim Barach)

      The NCAA says today they are now investigating Penn State's "exercise of institutional control over its intercollegiate athletics programs." "What took you so long" said former officials from FEMA.
       (Janice Hough) 

      Joe Paterno was revealed Tuesday to have sold his house to his wife for one dollar a few months ago. He denied shielding his assets from lawsuits. He wanted to sell it for five dollars but there were two foreclosures on the block and the appraiser said he was dreaming. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Syracuse assistant basketball coach Bernie Fine was accused of sexual abuse by two former ball boys. There are nine accusations against Penn State's assistant coach. By next Halloween the number-one movie will be Harry Potter and the Deathly Locker Room. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES & DEBATES

      Tonight was the 14th Republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads. (Jimmy Fallon)

      This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      When are these Republican debates going to stop? I mean, this would be the very reason to call for a dictatorship, just to put an end to these. (David Letterman)

      The 2012 election is about hope and change.  Republicans hope that the unemployment rate will not change. (Mark Russell)

      Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he's the smartest guy in the room. He attacked him for being smart. One thing's for sure, nobody's ever going to accuse Rick Perry of
      that. (Jay Leno)

      Rick Perry has accused Obama of thinking he's the smartest guy in the room.  I don't know about that but you certainly can't argue with the fact that he is really good at reading out loud. (Steve Yeich)

      Rick Perry announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, using solar power to run the Texas electric chair. (David Letterman)

      Rick Perry has also challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate.  If he can't beat her at that he has a backup plan.  He's going to challenge her to a facial expression contest. (Steve Yeich)

      I read that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate. Yeah, Perry got the idea when he was like, "I can’t remember. Am I good or bad at debates?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn't talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Last week in New Hampshire, Herman Cain said that presidents don't need to know every detail of every country in the world and he said he's going to take that message across America to all 30 states. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Cain said that we should focus on our neighbor to the south, Mexico, and our neighbor to the north, Cold Mexico. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle. (Jay Leno)  

      Newt Gingrich surged in the polls Thursday to tie Mitt Romney among GOP primary voters and he took the lead in Iowa. Just months ago his own campaign staff left him for dead. Newt Gingrich has been written off more times than a business trip to a strip club. (Argus Hamilton)

      Newt Gingrich gained fifteen points in the Gallup Poll last month to surge into the lead over Mitt Romney in the GOP race. The choice has the GOP in total confusion. You know the Republicans need a scorecard when Newt's had three wives and Romney's the Mormon. (Argus Hamilton)

      Newt Gingrich is now saying we should get rid of child labor laws, and put underprivileged children to work in paying jobs. Is he running to be President, or Ambassador to China? (Janice Hough)

      Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany. (David Letterman)

      Newt Gingrich is now leading some polls. This guy has more baggage than the first flight out of O’Hare after a freak spring blizzard. (Will Durst)

      Newt Gingrich has apparently received millions from companies he has "advised" in Washington since leaving Congress. Well, since as a man with three wives Gingrich is defending traditional marriage, why can't he also run as an insider who wants to reform Washington? (Janice Hough)

      Newt Gingrich is defending his third wife, who he "dated" for six years while married to his second wife. Newt claimed that lies have been told about Callista, and "it's not fair." I guess Gingrich feels that if there are going to be lies involving any of his wives, he should be the one to tell them. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney told an audience in Iowa he was "not looking to put money in people's pockets." Exactly. But he is looking to keep money in the pockets of those who already have it. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, "I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again." This has the makings of the lamest "Behind the Music" special yet. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      If you think that's bad, Jon Huntsman is now admitting that in college he experimented with parting his hair to the left. (Jimmy Kimmel)
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