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Weakly Humerus News 11-19-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-19-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Herman Cain said he would beat Obama by beating him with a Cain. Obama said,
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 19, 2011

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-19-11


      Herman Cain said he would beat Obama by "beating him with a Cain." Obama said, "I'm just glad I'm not running against Anthony Weiner." (Jimmy Fallon)

      There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead. Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago. (Author Unknown) 


      Jerry Sandusky has attempted to escape police by jumping into the sea. The Coastguard found him bobbing up and down on a small buoy! (Author Unknown)

      It's hard to say who should be more ashamed Lindsay Lohan's probation officer, Kim Kardashian's marriage counselor or Justin Bieber's condom supplier. (Chris Martin)

      "OMG. Did Joe just say he would allow my kids to be alone with Jerry Sandusky?" (Mary Amendola on Facebook)

      Trying to choose a candidate from the current GOP field is like deciding which cast member of "The Jersey Shore" to award the Nobel Prize to. (Jaxx Darling)

      A N.Y. nun has admitted to stealing $1 million from a Catholic college to feed a gambling addiction. If craps was her game, would that make her a holy roller? (RJ Currie)

      GOP hopefuls Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain all claim they decided to run after God told them to. Well, now we know what God was doing instead of keeping his eye on the Penn State coaching staff. (Bill Maher)

      The "Occupy Wall Street" protesters plan to disrupt subway service this afternoon. That'll teach all those millionaires and billionaires who take the D train to Brooklyn every day! (Jake Novak)

      Stryker, which makes artificial hips and knees is cutting 5% of its global workforce. The laid off workers are threatening to sue, but company lawyers say they don't have a leg to stand on. (Jim Barach)


      It has been reported that Jerry Sandusky was often late for work, which is understandable as he liked to come in a little behind. (Author Unknown)

      When I was a kid I was very ill in a hospital for quite some time, and I remember when Jerry Sandusky came to visit me. I was touched. (Author Unknown)

      Bedtime at the Sandusky house is when the big hand touches the little hand. (Author Unknown)

      I sent my kid to Penn State to become a Tight End, but when he came back he was a Wide Receiver. (Author Unknown)

      Penn State former defensive coach Jerry Sandusky was indicted for sexually abusing boys. It's the same heinous crime that's plagued the Church of Rome. Whenever Jerry Sandusky goes into the confession booth he flips a coin with the priest to see who goes first. (Argus Hamilton)

      There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Penn State coach Joe Paterno will be replaced by Billy Crystal. (Jerry Perisho)

      At Sandusky's arraignment, the judge reportedly asked him, "How does 8-9 years sound?" He replied, "sexy." (Author Unknown)

      NBC's Bob Costas interviewed Penn State former coach Jerry Sandusky Monday, who denied sexually abusing boys. He admitted he showered with boys but insisted it was just a little horse play. The last thing he'd tell the boys after the horse play was not to be like Mr. Ed and talk. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky told NBC's Bob Costas Monday night that he is not a pedophile and that he only "horsed around" with those boys. The horses are asking to be left out of all this. It's at this point the phrase, "Nittany Lyin'" comes to mind. (Bill Maher)

      He says he showered with boys, but nothing happened. And I went to dinner last week at Ruth Chris and had a salad. (Bill Maher)

      Jerry Sandusky is out on bail and does not have to wear an ankle tracking bracelet. But Newt Gingrich told him if it ever comes to that, he can get him a good deal at Tiffany's. (Wendall Potter)

      The Rose Bowl says if Penn State wins the Big Ten title, the Nittany Lions will be able to play in the game.  If Penn State does end up in a bowl, think it's a safe bet the halftime entertainment won't be Boyz II Men. (Janice Hough)

      Joe Paterno was fired as the football coach. When asked how he felt about it, the 84-year-old Paterno said, "I coached football?" (Cam Hutchinson)  


      One by one the Republican candidate potentials have been shooting themselves in the foot making huge, horrible gaffes and they just look silly. It's gotten so bad that President Obama is now worried he may actually be re-elected. (David Letterman)

      Rick Perry forgets his own talking points, Herman Cain forgets every woman he ever groped, Mitt Romney forgets he used to be for everything he is now against; they don't need debates, they need ginkgo biloba. (Bill Maher)  

      Treasury Department official Karen Kraushaar accused GOP candidate Herman Cain of past sexual harassment Tuesday. He maintains his innocence. Unless they all take lie detector tests it's just another case of he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said. (Argus Hamilton)

      In tonight's GOP debate Jon Huntsman made a calm statement, "Waterboarding is torture. We shouldn't torture." If the man gets any more reasonable he'll be polling in negative numbers. (Janice Hough) 

      Rick Perry also said the other night he wants to get rid of the Department of Education. Well, that's the problem with kids in America today. They're just too educated. (Jay Leno)

      Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by saying, "Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      People say Herman Cain was rambling and embarrassed himself while trying to answer a question about Libya. Some say it proves he's not qualified to be president. But the good news is, rambling and embarrassing himself does qualify him to be vice president. (Jay Leno)

      Herman Cain tripped up on foreign policy Sunday when he said he didn't know that China has nuclear weapons. The misstep didn't make any sense. For a guy who was the president of a pizza company, you'd think he'd know which nations come with mushrooms. (Argus Hamilton)

      When asked about his many flip-flops, Mitt Romney replied "I think people understand that I'm a man of steadiness and constancy." Is Mitt counting on the fact that most Americans may not understand the meaning of three syllable words like "steadiness" and "constancy?" (Janice Hough)

      Ron Paul's campaign is upset because during last week's Republican presidential debate, he only got to speak for 89 seconds. Meanwhile, Rick Perry's campaign is upset because during last week's debate, he got to speak. (Conan O'Brien)

      There was another Republican debate on Saturday, and listen to this: Ron Paul only got 89 seconds to speak. Seriously? Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something. (Jimmy Fallon)

      "Newt Gingrich is so confident about his chances that he's already working on his concession speech." (David Letterman)

      It makes sense that Gingrich is rising. He is the only candidate who appears to be made of dough. (Stephen Colbert)

      So when do we get to see the GOP debate we've all been waiting for? The one when Mitt Romney debates himself. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney said this week if he's elected, he won't let Iran get nuclear weapons. Other Republicans were quick to respond. Newt Gingrich said it would be impossible to enforce. Ron Paul said it's none of our business. And Rick Perry said, " . . . "(Craig Ferguson)

       "Testing, testing, 1, 2, umm…" – Rick Perry mic check (Alex Schubert)

      Rick Perry is very critical of Herman Cain's economic plan, "The 9-9-something else" plan. (Bill Maher)

      "Herman Cain's campaign insists there are more women out there waiting to charge him with harassment. They figure people can take a sex creep in the White House, but not someone who says, 'Libya, hmm,' and just sits there." (Herman Cain on 'Daily Show')

      Herman Cain is the first Republican candidate to get protection from the Secret Service.  Apparently the threats against him are credible and, like the way he interacted with that woman's skirt, underhanded. (Rich Orwell)

      I'm thinking Herman Cain doesn't get it. He brought a date to the debate. Cain also says that he's in favor of waterboarding — as long as it is consensual. (David Letterman)

      Cain is being attacked for inappropriate behavior.  Nobody's talking about Obama's inappropriate behavior, such as Obamacare, where he didn't just try but has succeeded in screwing the whole country. (Steve Yeich)

      Convinced that he'll eventually be exonerated from sexual harassment accusations, Herman Cain has agreed to take a lie-detector test to speed up the process. Typical of a former pizza man, he promised to quit the race if he doesn't deliver the truth within 30 minutes or less. (Bill Maher)

      Herman Cain said God told him to run for president. So it stands to reason God told him to touch those women too. Well, I don’t want to miss out, so I’m on my way to the mall, to do God’s will. (Bill Williams)

      Cain's only real foreign policy experience is from when he ran the National Restaurant Association and had to deal with the manager from the International House of Pancakes. (Jay Leno)

      Today Rick Perry introduced a new plan to overhaul all three branches of government. Just as soon as he comes up with a plan to remember all three branches of government. (Jimmy Fallon)

      In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he'd be "Rocky Road." I don't know, Perry's not really any flavor of ice cream. He's just the brain freeze part. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Rick Perry suffered a brain freeze during the GOP debate on Wednesday. He couldn't recall the third of three agencies he'd eliminate if he were president. He didn't repair the damage the next morning on CNN when he identified rock-paper-scissors as the Axis of Evil. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rick Perry did better at tonight's GOP debate. But he didn't get a chance to say what he really wanted, the three reasons he is still the best candidate. The Texas Governor planned to explain both of them. (Janice Hough)

      People are still talking about Rick Perry's memory lapse. And it happened a couple of months ago too, when he had trouble remembering the name of his hunting camp. (David Letterman)

      The Republican presidential candidates have really been fighting for attention this week. In fact, Rick Perry proposed cutting the president's salary in half. Yeah, Perry was like, "What do I care? It's not like it'll affect me!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      On a campaign stop in Iowa, Rick Perry suggested cutting the President’s salary. Yeah. Cut the Pope’s skirt allowance too. What does Perry care? Won’t affect him. (Will Durst)

      People attending a Rick Perry event in New Hampshire had to prove they were American citizens. They asked a math or science question and if you get it wrong, you were born here. (Jay Leno)

      Someone told Rick Perry today that Obama, as he did, laid a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. And Rick Perry said "See, he blanks on names too." (Bill Maher)

      DO NOT get behind Rick Perry at an intersection with a 3-way stop. (Jerry Perisho)

      Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich predicted that his recent rise in the polls is not a fluke: “The American people want an adult, and no one has a stronger record of adultery than I do. (Andy Borowitz) 

      It has gotten so bad in the party that Newt Gingrich is now starting to surge, which is never good news for Mrs. Gingrich. (Bill Maher)

      Michele Bachmann promises that if she ever becomes president, she'll have presidents Reagan, Garfield and Coolidge added to Mt. Rushmore. And she says they'll be carved by a real sculptor, not naturally formed like the present ones. (Bill Maher)

      Michelle Bachmann told reporters that she doesn't consider water boarding torture and thinks the CIA should do more of it. In fact, she said she even tried it once on vacation in Waikiki but kept wiping out. (Bob Mills)

      Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann says she would support waterboarding. She said she grew up watching all those Beach Party movies and thought it looked like great fun. (Wendel Potter)

      Henry Kissinger, who is 88 years old, turned down Herman Cain's invitation to be his Secretary of State. German-born Henry said, "Nein, nein, nein". -- Then, they had a good laugh together and Herman asked if he knew any loose German women. (Jerry Perisho


      Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there's one place to confront the nation's wealthiest 1 percent, it's the subway. (Conan O'Brien)

      Occupy Wall Street people blocked three subway stations earlier today. Take that, all you fat cats who ride the subway! (Craig Ferguson)

      New York police have evicted the Occupy Wall Street protesters from Zucotti Park where they've been camping. Damn! The protesters have a back up plan. They're going to move to Rockefeller Center and create a live nativity scene under the Christmas tree. (Wendall Potter)

      Last night Occupy Wall Street protesters were removed by Cesarean. The Founding Fathers never intended indefinite free speech. They assumed after two weeks any protest would be wiped out by smallpox. (Stephen Colbert)

      Police in New York City cleared Zuccotti Park of the Occupy Wall Street protesters. Why don't we let them occupy basketball arenas around the countries. We're not using them. (Jay Leno)

      Some have criticized pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don't forget, the cops were spraying for two. (Stephen Colbert)

      The Occupy Wall Street people are so angry at Mayor Bloomberg and it's starting to look really bad for his seventh term. (David Letterman)

      Over the weekend in New York, two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath, and Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath. (Conan O'Brien)

      A lot of the "Occupy" camps are having problems, ranging from drug use to murder. In their defense, a spokesman said that the trouble-makers represent only 1% of the 99% speaking out against the other 1%.(Bill Maher)

      There was a group of people who were going to "Occupy: IKEA", but they had trouble assembling. (Tim Hunter)

      Jay-Z began marketing Occupy All Streets t-shirts Monday to cash in on the Occupy Wall Street movement. He sells them for twenty-two dollars but gives no royalties to the protesters. You know the revolution's over when the participants are making ten bucks for every t-shirt and complaining about the twenty cents China charged them for the fabric. (Argus Hamilton)

      A crowd of Wall Street protesters camped in a Sacramento park clashed with a group of homeless people who claimed squatters rights. Governor Jerry Brown was so confused, he didn't know which group to pitch his tent with. (Bill Maher)


      President Obama surged in the Gallup Poll to pull even with the Generic Republican on the ballot. The generic Republican had a bad week. It's now clear that Mitt Romney will say anything to get elected while Rick Perry would get elected if he could say anything. (Argus Hamilton)

      Yesterday President Obama urged his supporters to watch the Republican debates. Though legally he was forced to add, "But not while operating heavy machinery." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Over the weekend President Obama was in Hawaii, his 'birth place.' Ha ha. (Craig Ferguson)

      An online petition demanded that the White House acknowledge the presence of extraterrestrials on Earth. The White House responded that it hasn’t had contact with anyone from outer space. Based on what we’ve seen, the first such contact should come during next year’s presidential debates. (Terry Etter)

      President Obama cut $4 billion from his administrative budget, but will spend the money on other programs. I swear, if Obama were in a sinking boat, he'd drill a hole to let the water run out. (Ex-Senator Fred Thompson)

      Obama said we're sending 2,500 marines to Australia. They're going for one reason: We've declared war on the dingoes. (Craig Ferguson)

      President Obama attended the first college basketball game ever played on an aircraft carrier. Don't confuse that with the NBA. That's a bunch of guys not playing basketball on a sinking ship. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama watched an NCAA basketball game aboard the USS Carl Vincent on Veteran's Day in San Diego Harbor Friday. It's the ship that tossed Osama bin Laden in the ocean. It was the high point of his presidency if you don't count the Republican debates. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama is in Australia. When he's in Australia, his approval ratings go down the toilet in a counter-clockwise motion. (Craig Ferguson)

      Obama was in Hawaii, now he's in Australia, and then he's going to Indonesia. I think he saw the Republican debates and thought, "This election will be a piece of cake. I'm going on vacation." (Craig Ferguson)


      Someone shot a bullet at the White House. The Secret Service ruled out Jon Huntsman because that guy has no shot at the White House. (Conan O'Brien)

      Over the weekend, a guy took a shot at the White House. They hunted him down and arrested him. He said, "I thought I had a better shot at it than those Republican candidates." (David Letterman)

      Someone took a shot at the White House earlier this week. Ron Paul said, "Big deal. I do that every four years!" (Nancy Jo Perdue)


      Today's date is 11/11/11! Or as Joe Biden calls that, "A great email password!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Regis Philbin is retiring this week and Vice President Joe Biden stopped by and gave Regis a gift of a bag of tennis balls. When I retire, don't tell Joe Biden. (Conan O'Brien)

      Vice President Biden was in New York today for the second time in less than a week, just to see if he left his wallet at the M&M'S Store. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A guy named Reggie Love leaving the White House to get a degree at the Wharton School of Business. I guess he realized you can't learn anything about economics in the Obama White House. (Jay Leno)


      Two Senators have introduced a bill to stop insider trading in Congress. Should we really need a bill to tell congressmen to try to obey the law once in awhile? (Jim Barach)

      The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: Nov. 17, 2011: the day America gave up. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Congress is now saying that in school lunches, pizza counts as a vegetable. What happened to the good old days when vegetables had to be something healthy, like ketchup? My friend Edie hopes that cocoa beans will be classified as a legume. A new study by a Northwestern professor of medicine says that at the rate we are going in America, 83 percent of men and 72 percent of women will be overweight or obese by 2020. Must be all those 'vegetables' we are eating. (Janice Hough)

      The food industry says the new rules give schools the flexibility to increase nutrition. The same way elastic waistbands give us the flexibility to keep in shape. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      In a world where Kardashians are celebrities, maybe pizzas can be vegetables. And Twizzlers are a fruit. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      There is a Congressional Supercommitee in charge of finding at least $1.2 trillion in deficit reduction.  They are at an impasse.  There must be a definition of "super" that only Congress knows because from what I know of the word you could never apply it to anything to do with Congress. (Steve Yeich)

      The GOP controlled House of Representatives just passed a bill to dramatically expand the right to carry concealed firearms Well, concurrently with the Occupy movement what could possibly go wrong? (Janice Hough)

      The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another. In other words, my trip back to Boston for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting. (Conan O'Brien)


      The Supreme Court agreed Monday to rule on the constitutionality of the Health Care Reform law's individual mandates. People in both parties will be anxiously awaiting the court's ruling. If the Supreme Court upholds man dates, then Joe Paterno

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