Weakly Humerus News 11-12-11
- WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-12-11AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONETOP QUOTES OF THE WEEKA jury in Los Angeles found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of voluntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. Afterward on the steps of the courthouse, one of the jurors told a reporter it was the prosecutor's poetry that insured conviction -- "If the IV fit, you can't acquit." (Bob Mills)How do you separate the men from the boys at Penn, because clearly, they don't. (Janice Hough)What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence. (Jay Leno)According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, "We're still getting used to having a Muslim president." (Conan O'Brien)Big news from last night's Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor. (Jimmy Fallon)A 20-year-old woman has filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber; an upset Justin Bieber claims he is not the father and is not lying about it, or as the headline put it: BELEAGUERED BIEBER NEITHER CONCEIVER NOR DECEIVER. (Alex Kaseberg)You can say this about Rick Perry: He has forgotten more about cutting government than Barack Obama will ever know. (Phil Glowatz)Have you seen the clip of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" where Kim's younger brother, Rob, calls Kim a whore and she calls him a dick? Say this about them, they're damn good judges of character. (Alex Kaseberg)PENN STATE UNIVERSITYThis scandal is the worst in Penn State history. The whole state is so ashamed, plans have been scrapped to re-issue a Christmas album by Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians. (Bob Mills)Reading more and more about the Penn State case, seems pretty obvious the school should change their mascot from "Nittany Lions" to "Cowardly Lions." (RJ Currie)Happy Valley is now known as Lake Joebegone. (Marc Ragovin)There's no need for the NCAA to slap Penn State football with scholarship reductions. What parent is going to send their son or daughter to a school that granted emeritus status to Jerry Sandusky? The moms and dads from Williamsport and Harrisburg will handle that. (Chris Dufresne)The Vatican issued a statement that they were appalled by the Penn State allegations. And they don't understand why Jerry Sandusky wasn't immediately transferred to another school. (Janice Hough)After the Penn State Board of Trustees fired coach Joe Paterno for not reporting staff child abuse, Joe issued a formal statement of resignation -- but not before checking the instant replay of the trustees' press conference for loopholes. (Bob Mills)Even at age 84, Joe is nothing if not resilient. He's already applied for and been hired to host the Academy Awards. (Bob Mills)There is no truth to the rumor that once Joe Paterno steps down at Penn State he'll be replaced by Ashton Kutcher. (Jerry Perisho)Penn State has announced that there have been "multiple threats" against assistant football coach Mike McQueary, the man who saw Sandusky and the boy in the shower. So out of fears for his safety, McQueary will not be at Saturday's game. With over 100,000 people in the stadium, the University doesn't think someone would step in if they saw him being assaulted? (Janice Hough)DR CONRAD MURRAYDr. Conrad Murray was convicted of killing pop star Michael Jackson in June of 2009. Based on the scene outside the Criminal Courts Building, this reaffirms my belief that every few years we need a celebrity trial to remind us that LA is a freak show. Dr. Murray seemed pretty excited about starting the "Occupy LA County Jail" movement. (Jerry Perisho)Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech. (Jay Leno)Conrad Murray was charged with manslaughter, they got him on that. Also, reusing rubber gloves. And tongue depressors. (David Letterman)They don't think Conrad Murray will do any jail time, but he will go to work in the prison system, however. They think he'll be in charge of lethal injections. (David Letterman)Michael Jackson's personal physician found guilty, but his plastic surgeon walks away free, how does that happen? (David Letterman)HERMAN CAINI have a lot of Herman Cain jokes but I cannot do them; I am bound by a confidentiality agreement. (Bill Maher)It’s a short and to the point political statement: “Cain is not Able” (Jerry W.)It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park. (David Letterman)Another woman accusing Herman Cain of sexual harassment comes forward. I'll say one thing about all this. If he did all the things with his hands these ladies say he did, I seriously hope he wasn't touching the pizzas. (Jezebel)Herman Cain was hit by a third sex harassment charge Friday from a one-time staffer who said he once invited her to his hotel room. There's a standard explanation. Like a lot of CEO's he likes to travel with a secretary near his bed in case he gets an idea at night. (Argus Hamilton)All Herman Cain's woman trouble started when he was head of the National Restaurant Association, the NRA. He has 3 women accusing him. I think it's like carry-on luggage. You should only be allowed 2. (David Letterman)As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he's reaching for. (Jay Leno)Feminist media-monger, Gloria Allred, claims to represent the fourth woman accusing Herman Cain of sexual harassment. One more sexual harassment accuser and Cain will tie Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Alex Kaseberg)A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late '90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this. (Jimmy Kimmel)Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That's got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free. (Craig Ferguson)The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain -- like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt. (Stephen Colbert)Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, 'It ain't gonna happen!' That's what he said. Ironically, that's what women say to him when he'd put his hand up their skirt. (Jay Leno)Herman Cain went on ABC News Tuesday and denied sexual misconduct allegations made against him, by four women the previous four days. No new charges surfaced on the fifth day. Under the rules of pizza executives, if you harass four women, the fifth one's free. (Argus Hamilton)Herman Cain held a press conference to address the sexual harassment accusations coming out of the woodwork. Incidentally, his woodwork coming out is one of the things he's accused of. His lawyer spoke, and then Cain took the podium, without asking the podium whether it wanted to be taken. (Stephen Colbert)At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn't remember the woman, he doesn't recognize her name or her face. Her ass he kind of remembers. (Jay Leno)Herman Cain tried to clear up allegations of past sexual harassment Thursday. He was hit with new revelations that one of his accusers got a fifty thousand dollar cash settlement. It didn't hurt him in the polls but it has resulted in a lot of unemployed women offering to be his driver. (Argus Hamilton)Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that's kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he's not a liar, he's obviously not cut out for politics. (Jay Leno)There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California. (Jimmy Kimmel)Herman Cain is on the political stump. Women will assume key positions in his administration. And they’ll be mostly missionary. (Alan Ray)A new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows 54% of GOP primary voters say allegations of sexual harassment against Herman Cain will not affect how they vote. These voters are called 'men'. (Janice Hough)With the reputation that Herman Cain is gaining with women he is likely to pull a lot of the democratic vote. In fact, Bill Clinton has already crossed party lines to back him. (Steve Yeich)Apparently when Cain was president of the Restaurant Association,he thought women were on the menu. He didn't realize. (Jay Leno)Forget president; this guy could be premier of Italy. (David Letterman)Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they've had them since the 60's. I don't think he's that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box. (Jay Leno)Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He's leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party. (Jay Leno)Herman Cain met with former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger 'to discuss foreign policy. The first question Cain asked Mr. Kissinger was, "Which state were you secretary of?" (Wendel Potter)Herman Cain has some good ideas, he has some bad ideas, and he could probably be president. I figure he’s like a pizza with anchovies. You could pick off the anchovies and eat the pizza, but in the end it still stinks. (Bill Williams)GOP presidential contender Herman Cain says he cannot remember ever meeting his latest sexual harassment accuser. All of his accusers agree on one thing; with Herman, memory appears to be the second thing to go. (Jerry Perisho)Apparently Herman Cain has raised over $2 million in the days since this sexual harassment story first broke. Just think how much Cain could have raised if he'd been accused of something like murder. (Janice Hough)The first woman to go public with tales of sexual harassment by GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain, Sharon Bialek [pronounced "buy-a-lick, slurp slurp", according to noted misogynist Rush Limbaugh], says Cain put his hand under her skirt, then pushed her head toward his crotch; this was after a dinner in 1997, when she met him to discuss ways he might be able to help her find employment. When she asked what he was doing, he responded by rhetorically asking her: "You want a job, right?" (Author Unknown)Herman Cain said attorney Gloria Allred is like an anchovy and rhubarb pizza; she sounds bad, looks cheesy, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth. (Jerry Perisho)Republican primary voters are in a quandry. Teabaggers don't want all those campaign signs, "Our Black Is Better Than Your Black!" to be wasted. (Author Unknown)Damage control on Herman Cain’s sexual harassment problem continues with his handlers trying to emphasize that at least his problems were with an adult woman. That bubble burst when Herman started rambling during an interview and talked about sheep he raised when he was a kid. When the reporter asked if the sheep were female or male, Herman stood up indignant, “Of course they were female, do you think I’m gay or something?” (Jerry W.)Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He'll be gone in a week. (David Letterman)RICK PERRYPerry is like the GovernatorAt times, needing a translator.I'm not one to critiqueBut when I hear him speakI see no master debater.(Doug Spector)Wow, we've all had brain farts, but that Rick Perry had brain dysentery. His debate lapse was so brutal many feel Rick Perry has to quit. But don't worry, Billy Chrystal is replacing him. (Alex Kaseberg)Everybody's talking about Rick Perry's "performance" at the Republican debate. He had a brain freeze trying to name the three — I forgot what I was talking about. (Craig Ferguson)I'm worried about Rick Perry. For one, I'm worried that maybe he's too conservative. Two, I worry a little bit about his debating skills. And three, I — Oh, what was three? (David Letterman)Tomorrow is 11-11-11! Or as Rick Perry calls it: "11-11-Wait don't tell me, I will get this. I know there is a third one." (Conan O'Brien)Rick Perry’s campaign is starting to show signs of life. Although, you have to admit, a lack of signs of life hasn’t hurt Mitt Romney. (Will Durst)He had a lapse in memory. He remembered Kris and he remembered Khloe but forgot Kourtney. (David Letterman)It is amazing that a candidate who can't count to three wants to eliminate the Department of Education. (Janice Hough)What's the one word you don't want to hear out of the mouth of the man entrusted with America's nuclear arsenal? I'm gonna go ahead and say "Oops." (CNN)You know what you call a Democrat who makes as many verbal gaffes as Rick Perry? Vice president. (Jay Leno)Today the governor explained that it was not him, it was part of the test of the emergency alert system. (David Letterman)After his disastrous blunder last night, Rick Perry says he is still getting lots of support to stay in the Presidential race. Most of that support is coming from Democrats. (Janice Hough)I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember. (Craig Ferguson)Congratulations to Rick Perry. How many people thought just a month or two ago that it would be possible to take the title away from Michele Bachmann as the dimmest bulb in the race? (Janice Hough)When you have a little trouble recalling, they call that a senior moment. More like Bush, junior moment. (David Letterman)Rick Perry: The American people have to decide what’s worse, forgetting which agencies you plan to get rid of or forgetting which ladies you tried to nail when you were running the National Restaurant Association. I can tell you this, if somebody asked me if I remembered who I’d sexually harassed I could sure as sh*t tell you their names. But please don’t ask me that. (Andy Borowitz)As embarrassing as last night was for Rick Perry, at least he's not Mormon. It can cause serious problems when you forget one of your wives. (Janice Hough)If there's one thing I know about Rick Perry, it's that he doesn't go down without a fight and he's already turning last night's negative into a -- I wouldn't say a positive, but a double negative. (Jimmy Kimmel)Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney. (Craig Ferguson)I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president. (Jay Leno)KIM KARDASHIANTo be fair, Kim Kardashian’s marriage was 71 days longer than most people expected it to be. (Alex Schubert)A source says Kim Kardashian divorced Kris Humphries because; "She was tired of him spending her hard-earned money." For those wondering what Kim does to earn her money? It's like what whores do to earn money except without all the hard work, pride and dignity. (Alex Kaseberg)Following the 72-day divorce after her $11 mil wedding, public sentiment against Kim Kardashian has turned ugly. Kim's popularity has fallen so far, Rick Perry feels sorry for her. (Alex Kaseberg)Kim Kardashian's marriage was doomed to failure from the start because her sister's husband, Lamar Odom, is a much better basketball player than her husband is. (Steve Yeich)Kim Kardashian was reported Thursday to be dating NFL star Reggie Bush. It's clear what she's thinking. In case her reality show is ever in danger of being canceled she can boost the ratings by arranging to be murdered by a Heisman Trophy winner from USC. (Argus Hamilton)Reggie Bush . .. Miles Austin . .. Kris Humphries . .. So who's going to be Kim Kardashian's fourth-round draft pick? (Dwight Perry)Kris Humphries' father says his son was caught off guard by Kim Kardashian filing for divorce from him. Well, at least there was one person who didn't see it coming. (Jim Barach)There's talk that Kim Kardashian is having second thoughts about her divorce from Kris Humphries. Yeah, even Brett Favre was like, "Make a decision and stick with it!" (Jimmy Fallon)Kim Kardashian flew to Minnesota Monday and explained to Kris Humphries and his church pastor that she's divorcing him because she won't leave Los Angeles. She could never live up there. Five people froze to death making sex videos in Minnesota last January. (Argus Hamilton)Because she accepted $18 million for a wedding and bailed on the marriage after 72 days, critics are calling Kim Kardashian a publicity whore. That is patently unfair. Whores work for their money. (Alex Kaseberg)Kim Kardashian is said to have flown to Minnesota to try and work things out with her husband, Kris Humphries, although I'm not sure if she's trying to work out the marriage or details on the 3-part divorce TV special. (Tim Hunter)The Greek debt crisis that has roiled world markets for weeks was resolved today when Greece agreed to marry TV reality star Kim Kardashian for 72 days. The marriage, believed to be the first ever between a sovereign nation and a television personality, is expected to net billions of dollars for Greece's debt-strapped economy. A friend of Kim said that she had her "fingers crossed" that the marriage between Ms. Kardashian and Greece would last 72 days. "I don't want to spread rumors about Kim," she said, "but I've heard she's seeing Italy." (Alex Kaseberg)Fashion Week reported Tuesday that there's a huge demand for the wedding dress worn by Kim Kardashian. The madness has even reached down to the Christmas toy market. Little girls used to play Barbie and Ken get married, and now they play Kim cheats on Kris with Reggie. (Argus Hamilton)The Kardashians are now being accused of selling a line of handbags in Australia -the "Kardashian Kollection", that are actually knockoffs of several famous designer brands. Gosh, marriage is one thing, but who'd a thunk the Kardashians would fake anything as serious as a copyrighted handbag? (Janice Hough)Kim Kardashian is appearing in a Tyler Perry movie called "The Marriage Counselor" and she's playing a co-worker. That's like Paris Hilton playing a virgin genius. When she accepted the role, Kim only had one question: what is a co-worker? (Alex Kaseberg)JUSTIN BEIBERThe 20 year-old girl who says she is carrying Justin Beiber's baby said their sex only lasted 30 seconds so I think it's premature to say that he is the father. (Steve Yeich)Okay, who will turn out to be stupider in this Justin Bieber paternity suit? The alleged mom, who may not have thought about statutory rape laws. Or Bieber, who says he never met her, and may not have thought about DNA testing. (Janice Hough)Justin Bieber denies he fathered a child. His sex life is actually a very private matter. He usually does it alone. (Alan Ray)Justin Bieber has agreed to take a DNA test in a paternity suit against him. And other kids his age thought they had it bad worrying about taking the SAT test. (Jim Barach)Singer Justin Bieber says he'll submit to a paternity test to prove he is not the father of Mariah Yeater's baby. The test will not only prove that Bieber is not the father, and but that his testicles haven't dropped. (Jerry Perisho)Maury Povich wants to perform the paternity test for Justin Bieber. If it comes back negative, in the remaining time Povich will see if he can get Bieber to commit to becoming a transsexual. (Jim Barach)Justin Bieber won a Bambi award in Germany. He is just hoping he doesn't return to the U. S. to end up with a Bambino trophy. (Jim Barach)K. D. Lang says Justin Bieber looks "Just like a lesbian." And most lesbians responded "Please, we have better haircuts." (Janice Hough)LINDSAY LOHANLindsay Lohan was escorted by sheriffs into Los Angeles County Jail Monday to serve thirty days for violating probation. She was released four hours later. It's a Los Angeles ordinance that the only thing shorter than a celebrity marriage is a celebrity jail sentence. (Argus Hamilton)They sentenced Lindsay Lohan to prison for 30 days, and she did five hours. I just pray that she can make it on the outside now. (David Letterman)Actress Lindsay Lohan made her most recent visit to LA County Jail, this time for 4 hours and 42 minutes. To her credit, this is more time than she spent preparing for "Mean Girls". (Jerry Perisho)Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving just five hours of her 30-day sentence. Well, that should teach her. (Alex Kaseberg)I don't know about you but for the five hours Lindsay Lohan was off the street and in prison, I felt much safer. (David Letterman)Lindsay Lohan was jailed again Thursday on her four-year-old DUI arrest in Beverly Hills. The cops didn't see her toss the cocaine out of the car onto a house lawn and they left it there. It is the only property in California that's increased in value over the last four years. (Argus Hamilton)At this point they're laying odds in Vegas. Which will last a shorter time. Lindsay's next jail term or Kim Kardashian's next marriage.