Weakly Humerus News 11-05-11
- WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-05-11AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONETOP QUOTES OF THE WEEKPresident Obama tried to get a new tax through for Halloween. He wanted all families making more than $250,000 to give extra candy to trick-or-treaters. (Steve Yeich)My great-grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. (Stephen Colbert)A team of British lawyers has now concluded that the Declaration of Independence was illegal, and the American colonies had no right to secede from England. OK, but just remember, our country comes with all the debt! (Tim Hunter)This divorce from Kim Kardashian will be hard on Kris Humphries. Imagine leaving all that behind? (Alex Kaseberg)Question for all these fans of the "personhood" amendment, which says life begins at the moment of fertilization. Does that mean a company becomes a person at the moment of incorporation? (Janice Hough)Herman Cain said as president he would sign a constitutional amendment banning abortion. He knows less about how governmentt works than Palin! (Bill Maher)Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. (David Letterman)Texas had the Cardinals down to their last strike twice and they couldn't execute. And that is a phrase I never thought I'd hear myself saying Texas could not execute." (Bill Maher)A study says that legalizing medical marijuana doesn't encourage kids to smoke. Who wants to use a drug that has been prescribed to your grandparents? (Jim Barach)With some saying the sexual harassment claims against Herman Cain are just political attempts to take down a front-runner, this does bring up the question - why wouldn't "they" have gone after Mitt Romney first? Maybe because few people in America can even imagine Mitt flirting with his own wife? (Janice Hough)With Republicans voting it okay for siblings to have civil unions in NH, and celebrities getting married every two months, it seems like they're not "protecting the sanctity of marriage," but rather keeping it chaotic and disallowing the stability same sex couples would bring to it. (M.j. Merchant)HERMAN CAIN & SEXUAL HARASSMENTHerman Cain denied accusations against him of sexual harassment in the workplace Monday. The country has been waiting for someone with Reagan's economic views and Clinton's moral views. Dr. Frankenstein could not have created a more electable president. (Argus Hamilton)Investigation into the charges of sexual harassment of a top polling Republican candidate reveals that it was a simple communication misunderstanding between Herman and a female employ. He asked her up to his room to join a FOCUS group. (Gary Reeves)Two women have accused Herman Cain of sexually suggestive behavior in the '90s. He said no. He was just explaining to them his 69-9-9 plan. (Jay Leno)It was a misunderstanding. Cain said to an attractive female employee who deserved a good scolding: "Let's get something straight between us!" And the rest is history. (Charles Wukasch)I hear that when he was little his mother was shunned by her church because she was raising Cain. (Cynthia MacGregor)Herman Cain is having to respond to charges he once sexually harassed women. One German woman kept saying, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" (Conan O'Brien)Even as the controversy swirled about Mr. Cain, he received a stirring vote of confidence from a prominent world leader. "A man's sex life should not affect his right to hold power," said Italy's Silvio Berlusconi. (Andy Borowitz)Herman Cain's staff says the sexual harassment charges will only make his campaign stronger. Using that logic, a kidnapping charge could make him unbeatable. (Will Durst)Herman Cain is denying two claims of sexual harassment against him. On the bright side, he now has Bill Clinton's endorsement. (Jake Novak)Now a 3rd woman has come out accusing Herman Cain of sexual advances. I think it's time we face the truth--Cain is actually a Democrat! (Tim Hunter)A Fox reporter asked Herman Cain if he'd ever had to pay anyone money to settle a sexual harassment claim. Herman Cain: 'Outside of the Restaurant Association, absolutely not. (Jon Stewart)When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee. (David Letterman)Presidential candidate Herman Cain calls charges of harassment against him a "witch hunt". To which Christine O'Donnell says "Tell me about it." (Jim Barach)It's been reported now that two women who are accusing Herman Cain of sexual harassment both received a settlement equal to one year's salary. Between them, that comes to about $8,000 if you don't include tips. (Wendell Potter)In Herman Cain's defense, there is very little in the pizza world that is not sexually suggestive. (Jon Stewart)Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use the word 'consensual'. (David Letterman)JUSTIN BIEBERJustin Bieber faces a paternity suit. Personally, I think the woman has a case; her three-month old baby already has 500,000 Twitter followers. (RadarOnline)Justin Bieber is being sued in a paternity case. Instead of "Baby" being his big hit, it looks like his hit has become a baby. (Jim Barach)A woman says that Justin Bieber is the father of her baby. That's preposterous. Last time I checked, fathers are males. (Alex Schubert)Justin Bieber has been hit with a paternity suit. This has forced parents to talk to their kids about the babes and the Biebs. (RJ Currie)A Los Angeles woman claims she has Justin Bieber's love child. The woman will have to take a paternity test, then everyone will know once and for all who the real father is: Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Craig Ferguson)Justin Bieber, 17, is being sued by a 20 year old woman who claims he is the father of her 3 month old baby. Now, I know not all Christians wait to get married before they have children these days, but most of them wait until puberty. (Janice Hough)Justin Bieber is being sued in a paternity case. If a settlement is worked out, he could save some money by getting his own baby sitter to help take care of his child. (Jim Barach)Justin Bieber vehemently denies knowing or having sex with woman who claims to have his baby. When asked about her comment the sex took 30 seconds, Bieber said, "OK, that part sounds a little familiar." (Alex Kaseberg)A 20-year-old woman claims teen pop sensation Justin Bieber fathered her baby boy. The child was heard to say, “OK, enough with the jokes. Who’s my real father; Brad Pitt, an NBA star, the milkman, anyone?” (Jerry Perisho)She probably didn’t expect this to happen: The 20-year-old woman who has filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber could be investigated for statutory rape. The woman, Mariah Yeater, claims Justine Bieber impregnated her while losing his virginity in a backstage bathroom. Bieber has denied having sex with Yeater. However, if her claims are true, then Bieber was 16 at the time and she was 19, making her guilty according to California law, of statutory rape. "If it's brought to our attention, of course we'll look into it," an LAPD spokesman stated. (Associated Press)Okay, who will turn out to be stupider in this Justin Bieber paternity suit? The alleged mom, who may not have thought about statutory rape laws. Or Bieber, who says he never met her, and may not have thought about DNA testing. (Janice Hough)HUMPHRIES-KARDASHIAN MARRIGEKim Kardashian is expected to file for divorce today from her husband of 72 days, Kris Humphries. And this is the kind of traditional marriage some in the GOP say is "America's most important institution," and want to pass an amendment to protect?Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have separated. For the groom, this marriage was a lot like playing in the NBA. He is used to working under a 24 second clock. (Alan Ray)Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have reportedly split. So not only is Humphries locked out of his job, he's also locked out of his house. (Gary Bachman)Kris Humphries' is the only NBA player who is officially locked out at work and at home. (Greg Connors)Well, I guess we'll see if Kris Humphries marries on the rebound. (Jerry Perisho)After 72 days, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from Kris Humphries. You'd like to think Kim will handle the divorce with dignity, but I bet she makes a huge ass of herself. (Alex Kaseberg)That's right, Kim Kardashian is ending her marriage. Details of the proceedings will remain private, until E! airs its three-hour divorce special. (Jimmy Fallon)Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from NBA player Kris Humphries. I guess that's two strikes against him. (RJ Currie)Kim Kardashian was married for 72 days and now she's getting a divorce. They were bickering at the altar and now they're fighting over custody of the cake. (David Letterman)Reality TV star Kim Kardashian filed for divorce after being married for 72 days to NBA player Kris Humphries. There are cartons of milk in my refrigerator that have lasted longer than Kim’s marriage. (Jerry Perisho)Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce after only 72 days of marriage. I've had diets that have lasted longer than that. Good thing they only rented the wedding rings. (Tim Hunter)Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce. She has had sex videos that have lasted longer than her marriage has. (Steve Yeich)Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from the Nets' Kris Humphries after just 72 days of marriage. Another relationship designed to last a lunchtime. (C Todd McCormick)Among the top 10 things that lasted longer than the Humphries-Kardashian marriage: Every one of Brett Favre's retirements. (David Letterman)After only 72 weeks of marriage, Kim Kardashian filed for a divorce from her pro-basketball playing husband. Standing next to him made her look bad on camera – specifically, it made her butt look big. (Nancy Jo Perdue)Kim Kardashian filed for divorce after 72 days of marriage to NBA player Kris Humphries. There is no word yet on who will be Humphries’ “Dancing With The Stars” partner. (Jerry Perisho)Kim Kardashian files for divorce after 10 weeks of marriage. I'm so proud of our fighting boys and girls dying on foreign shores to keep American values like these alive. (Bill Williams)Kim Kardashian and her professional basketball player husband Kris Humphries filed for divorce on Monday after being married for 72 days. I really thought they were going to make it to Thanksgiving. (Jimmy Kimmel)As the whole world knows by now, Kim Kardashian pulled the plug on her marriage after a whopping 72 days. Even by Hollywood standards, that's not long. (Craig Ferguson)Kim said filing for a divorce was not an easy decision, unlike having sex or getting married. (Tim Hunter)Kim Kardashian's and Kris Humphries' marriage, 72 days. The NBA lockout, 124 days and counting. Okay all you romantics who bet on love, time to pay up. (Janice Hough)Kim Kardashian and her husband are actually getting divorced so soon, they'll be fighting over custody of the "thank you" notes. (Tim Hunter)Hours after announcing her divorce, Kim Kardashian flew to Australia to promote a new line of purses. Well, except for the bag she left Kris Humphries holding. (RJ Currie)You can tell Kim Kardashian is upset about her divorce by the way she is jetting off to Australia to promote her clothing line. It is the first clothing line that has shorts available in Large, Extra-Large and Kardashiantic. (Alex Kaseberg)Speaking of Kim Kardashian, yesterday Kim said that her decision to get married had nothing to do with publicity. Then she was like, "If you don't believe me, just talk to my publicist. (Jimmy Fallon)NBA player Kris Humphries says he is devastated to learn Kim Kardashian filed for divorce. Poor guy; this is shaping up to be a full court depress. (RJ Currie)Kim Kardashian files for divorce after 72 days. Just another example of how same-sex marriage has managed to destroy the sanctity of the very institution. (George Takai)I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities. (Craig Ferguson)Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said they should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first. (Conan O'Brien)The planet's seven-billionth person was born today. Of the 7 billion people in the world, no one is surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced. (Craig Ferguson)When Regis leaves his show, they're going to try out replacements. It's the same thing Kim Kardashian will be doing now. (David Letterman)Friends and relatives were shocked when Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from her husband of seventy-two days, Kris Humphries. Some welcome news, though, for guests who bought gifts. The couple was registered at "Bed, Bath & If It Doesn't Last Beyond 90-Days You Get a Refund." (Bob Mills)Would you like to be Kim Kardashian's next husband? You can! Just sign with any professional sports team and you will soon be called to a free agent meeting at the Los Angeles Convention Center by Kris Jenner. (David Letterman)California passed a new law today. There is now a 5-day waiting period before Kim Kardashian can get married again. (Jay Leno)Kim Kardashian says that Kris Humphries' parents hated her. That makes it unanimous. (Alex Schubert)The NBA says that Kris Humphries' divorce from Kim Kardashian won't affect his chances of getting a hefty free-agent contract. Of course, if he had shot her, that would have upped the ante. (Wendell Potter)Reality TV star Rob Kardashian says he’s been losing weight while on “Dancing With The Stars”. Meanwhile, sister Kim dropped 235 pounds of dead weight overnig (Jerry Perisho)LINDSAY LOHANToday a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, "30 days? That's like four marriages!" (Jimmy Fallon)Sorry Lindsay. Going to jail is impressive and all, but we're still pretty busy with the whole "sham wedding and divorce" thing with that other girl who pretty much does what you do. (CNN)Lindsay Lohan is going back to jail again, for 30 days. On the bright side, if she goes back to jail one more time, she gets a free sandwich at Subway. Anyway, 30 days isn't that long. It's like half a Kardashian marriage. (Craig Ferguson)Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 300 days in jail for violating her probation. That will be dropped to 30 days with community service which will be cut to a few hours because of overcrowding. Well, that sure shows her! (Jim Barach)Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 30 days in jail, but first she gets to finish her Playboy shoot. Some people manage an end run around the law, others pull the naked bootleg. (RJ Currie)Lindsay Lohan has agreed to appear nude in Playboy Magazine for $1 million. She did impose a few conditions, though. The centerfold has to be arranged in such a way that one of the staples covers her ankle bracelet (Bob Mills).Lindsay Lohan will be posing in Playboy. Most Americans think we've already seen too much of her lately. (Janice Hough)Lindsay Lohan may pose for Playboy magazine. She'll be wearing nothing but a smile and an alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet. (Gary Bachman)Actress Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 30 days in jail, reporting in a week after finishes “a job”. Posing for Playboy is “a job” the same way operating the Tilt-A-Whirl with the traveling carnival is a job. And by “a job”, she means a baggy of cocaine. (Jerry Perisho)So Lindsay Lohan had to reshoot her Playboy cover? Not surprised, figure these days anything Lindsay does is over-exposed. (Janice Hough)OCCUPY WALL STREET & OTHER PLACESObama has also been inspired by the Occupy Wall Street Protesters. He wants to make one of his campaign promises to be Occupy the White House. It won't be a problem when he loses since he never keeps any of his other promises either. (Steve Yeich)Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen. (Jay Leno)There's so many protestors now they are going to move them out of the park and put them in a pothole. You know, that one over on 8th Avenue. (David Letterman)I'm not saying you don't have the right to peacefully assemble. I'm just saying that the police have the right to disassemble you into pieces. (Stephen Colbert)New York's Occupy Wall Street had an outbreak of STD among protesters in the park Monday. It won't affect their cause. They oppose big banks, the big brokerages and the big drug companies, but they voted to make an exception for the one that makes penicillin. (Argus Hamilton)Anti-bank protesters are urging all Americans to take their money out of their banks tomorrow and deposit them in a credit union instead. This is either going to hurt the banks or help them make trillions in ATM fees. (Jake Novak)Sarah Palin told a GOP group in Florida yesterday that if the Occupy Wall Street protesters really want to make a difference, then they should leave Wall Street alone and occupy 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Apparently she'd like to see how one goes about that. (Wendell Potter)Not too many people realize it but the whole Occupy Wall Street protest that is going on is just a bunch of stock brokers that lost their jobs and they have no where else to go. (Author Unknown)If the protesters get to occupy Wall Street, I get to put up condos in Yellowstone. (Stephen Colbert)HALLOWEENHalloween, or, as Lady Gaga likes to call it, Monday. (Jerry Perisho)A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I'm pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes. (Jimmy Kimmel)President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers. (Jay Leno)Trick-or-treaters came to the White House for about an hour on Saturday. Conservatives are already accusing the president of seriously depleting our country's Tootsie Roll reserve. (Jimmy Kimmel)Earlier tonight, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn. (Jay Leno)One kid wanted me to pay him $5 to give him candy. I asked who he was supposed to be. He said, 'Bank of America'. (Jay Leno)I was going to visit a haunted house for Halloween the other day but the house was foreclosed on so the ghosts were forced to move. (Steve Yeich)President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008. (Jimmy Fallon)I had trouble deciding on a costume today. I just thought I'd throw together whatever I had in my closet. Luckily for me, everything I had looked like something worn by Moammar Gadhafi. (Craig Ferguson)I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms. (Jay Leno)THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATESPat Robertson says the Republican candidates are too extreme. Wow. That's like having your drug intervention hosted by Lindsay Lohan. And Charlie Sheen is driving the van. (Will Durst)Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread. (Conan O'Brien)Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda. (David Letterman)Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less. (Conan O'Brien)Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza. (Conan O'Brien)Herman Cain met with former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger yesterday to discuss foreign policy. The first question Cain asked Mr. Kissinger was, "Which state were you secretary of?" (Wendell Potter)Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian. (Stephen Colbert)Rick Perry's campaign is starting to show signs of life. Although, you have to admit, a lack of signs of life hasn't hurt Mitt Romney.