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Humerus News 10-29-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-29-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK A team of British lawyers has now concluded that the Declaration of Independence
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 29, 2011

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-29-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      A team of British lawyers has now concluded that the Declaration of Independence was illegal, and the American colonies had no right to secede from England. Well, you thought our court system was backed up. (Jay Leno)

      I’m sending all my money to Nigeria where it will be looked after by an honorable member of the royal family, safe from those vampires in Congress and Wall Street. (Orange Scott/The Onion)

      Rick Perry's new "simplified" flat tax proposal will give taxpayers the choice, pay tax based on the old code, or his new code. Because nothing says simplify by figuring your taxes out twice? (Janice Hough)

      The state of Connecticut is demanding that the federal government provide it with free diapers to give to low-income mothers. It's a reasonable request since Washington has been sending the states the stuff that fills diapers for years. (Jake Novak)

      A new book says that President Obama and Mitt Romney got their health care ideas from President Nixon. That explains the part in Obamacare where everyone's health records can be accessed by a team of plumbers. (Jim Barach)

      Brian Robinson was fined $20,000 for kicking the Packer's TJ Lang in the groin. I'm guessing Robinson never played for Army; he shows no respect for privates. (RJ Currie)

      In another sign of these bad economic times, the Lingerie Football League's Miami Caliente has ceased operations. At least every player was given a pink slip. (Dwight Perry)

      What do you get if you combine Tim Tebow and LeBron James? Four quarters. (RJ Currie)

      Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo announced that his wife is pregnant with their first child. Now, if he could just score on the field. (Jerry Perisho)

      Field and Stream forecast ideal weather conditions for hunters in the November hunting seasons for game and waterfowl throughout the South and Midwest. However, you might want to reconsider if you're thinking about hunting in Ohio. They say it's a jungle out there.  (Argus Hamilton

      "Jersey Shore" Snooki has a best-selling book, she's promoting her second book while working on her third book. This from a girl who couldn't spell genitalia if it was in her mouth. And it is. (Alex Kaseberg)

      OCCUPY WALL STREET & ELSEWHERE

      The Occupy Wall Street protest has inspired unemployed computer geeks to unite and start a new protest. They are calling it Occupy Starbucks. (Steve Yeich)

      I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty? (David Letterman)

      Occupy Wall Street protesters camped in a New York park celebrated one month of their demonstrations Friday. It's forcing them to rough it. Their computers were stolen by park thieves and they have been forced to cheat on their spouses the old-fashioned way. (Argus Hamilton)

      Police fired tear gas at Occupy Oakland protesters last night. But it didn't work because the tear gas actually smelled better than the demonstrators. (Jake Novak)

      Occupy Wall Street protesters are calling for the first national general strike since 1946. The protesters themselves will be sitting out the strike until any of them actually gets a job. (Jim Barach)

      I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum. (David Letterman)

      There's so many protestors now they are going to move them out of the park and put them in a pothole. You know, that one over on 8th Avenue. (David Letterman)

      Oakland police cleared out anti-Wall Street protesters Tuesday who had overstayed their permits. Angry mobs broke out windows and looted stores. Police don't know if the rioting is Wall Street-related or a sign of growing excitement that the Raiders are back. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE WORLD SERIES

      The World Series Texas Rangers/St. Louis Cardinals match up is heading for the lowest TV ratings in history.   Network executives are so desperate to attract viewers, they've even considered inviting Roseanne Barr to sing the National Anthem. (Bob Mills)

      Game Six of the World Series was postponed due to rain. Which means Tony LaRussa had plenty of time to run down to the Apple store to get new phones for himself and his bullpen coaches (Janice Hough) 

      Wonder how long it will take until we see Tony LaRussa in a Verizon commercial - "Can you hear me now?" (Janice Hough)

      The solution to Tony La Russa's bullpen-communication problems: 'Carrier squirrels.' (Janice Hough

      Wonder how long it will take until we see Tony LaRussa in a Verizon commercial - "Can you hear me now?" (Janice Hough)

      Fox's Tim McCarver said strike is "a five-letter" word and then proceeded to spell out all six letters: "It's a sad thing when a color man doesn't know the count." (Ian Hamilton

      Baseball fans have been less than enthusiastic over this year's series between the Texas Rangers and the St. Louis Cardinals. As a matter of fact, those weren't even Cardinals fans you saw last night at Busch Stadium. They were just part of the Occupy St. Louis protest. (Wendel Potter)

      THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES

      A new poll released today by Fox News has former godfather's pizza CEO Herman Cain leading the Republican candidates for president. And he's the funniest candidate by about 40 points. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A new Time magazine poll shows Hillary Clinton easily beating the major GOP candidates if she somehow could run for President in 2012. Good news for Clinton's reputation, but with all due respect "None of the above" could handily beat the current GOP field now too. (Janice Hough)

      Herman Cain is on the verge of becoming the leader of the #1 country in the world. Not bad for the former leader of the #8 pizza chain. What will life be like under Herman Cain? Every American will be able to savor his or her God-given freedoms: freedom from healthcare, retirement funds, and the basic government services necessary for survival.  (Andy Borowitz)

      Herman Cain's latest commercial shows his campaign manager smoking. Well, Cain is running an unconventional campaign, maybe encouraging smoking is his plan to reduce the number of Americans who end up old enough to depend on social security. (Janice Hough)

      A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head, while people watching that will go head to pillow. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich said that next month they're going to take part in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. The only similarity to the actual Lincoln-Douglas debates is that no one will watch them on television. (Conan O'Brien)

      Newt Gingrich criticized Mitt Romney and Rick Perry at the last debate saying: "I literally felt like I was the recess monitor on the playground, watching these two kids." Prompting an immediate demand for an apology, from schoolchildren. (Janice Hough)   

      Michele Bachmann is slamming Herman Cain and other GOP candidates for their "flip-flops" on things like abortion and gay marriage. Hmm, does this mean her new campaign slogan is "Consistently Crazy?" (Janice Hough)

      Michele Bachmann's campaign is in a lot of trouble. Five staffers quit her campaign, claiming it was because she treated them like second-class citizens. However, Bachmann said, "That's not true. At no time did I treat them like gays or Latinos." (Conan O'Brien)

      Michele Bachmann has said that the gay and lesbian lifestyle amounts to "personal bondage, and personal enslavement." Her husband Marcus has compared gays to "barbarians" who need to be "disciplined." You do get the sense both of them have spent too much time in leather shops South of Market in SF. (Janice Hough)

      Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth. (Jay Leno)

      Rick Perry will unveil his optional flat tax plan today. But Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is already blasting the plan as unoriginal, reminding everyone that for him, paying taxes has been optional for years. (Jake Novak)

      Rick Perry told Fox today that if he had made any mistakes thus far in the campaign, it was "probably ever doing one of the" debates. No kidding. Especially considering the "lame-stream" media reported every word he said. (Janice Hough)

      In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the presidential debates. Perry said "I'm not one of these 'word talkers.'" (Conan O'Brien)

      Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license. (David Letterman)

      Rick Perry proposed a flat tax plan Tuesday which ditches the child tax credit. Under it illegal aliens were paid four billion dollars for having additional babies last year. The border fences can't be high enough when you live in a country that pays people to have sex. (Argus Hamilton)

      Texas Governor Rick Perry plans to skip future GOP debates. Guess he's applying the time honored principle: "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." (Janice Hough

      Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he does not support Confederate flag license plates being sold in Texas. But, he is a big supporter of "The South Will Rise Again" boxer shorts. (Jerry Perisho)

      GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney has opened his own social network MyMitt. It’s a lot like Facebook. But with an additional Face. (Alan Ray)

      Jon Huntsman told ABC News that Rick Perry's talking about "birtherism" makes him "cringe." And that "fringe" issues will drive away the independents. "As a party if we are going to win this election we have to focus on the issues that are germane for the American family - economy, jobs, our position in the world." No wonder he's barely registering in the GOP polls - the man is way too articulate and reasonable. (Janice Hough)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama has introduced a new slogan, "We Can't Wait." Coincidentally, he came up with this as he was talking to some old people who were standing in line to go to the restroom. (Steve Yeich)

      President Obama said tonight he wasn't going to worry about his 2012 challenger until "everybody's voted off the island." The response from the producers of "Survivor." Hey, our contestants are serious people." (Janice Hough)

      President Obama just announced a new student loan plan that will forgive debt after 20 years. Yeah, Obama said that forgiving debt is the most honorable thing someone can do. And then he repeated that in Chinese. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama declared the Iraq war over Friday and announced the withdrawal of all U.S. troops by January. There's no use in revisiting what went wrong. Everybody realizes we should have invaded Iran but President Bush hooked his drive into the rough. (Argus Hamilton)

      Barack Obama was interviewed by Jay Leno the other night. Many are disappointed with his lackluster performance and tepid imagination. And they don’t like the president much either. (Alan Ray

      President Obama appeared as a guest on the Tonight Show last night. It was a huge hit, all he had to do was appear on stage and the audience didn't stop laughing at him for 30 minutes. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama held a major fundraiser last night at the home of Antonio Bandera and Melanie Griffith. During the event, the President promised to create jobs... mostly by hiring a hit squad to go after the surgeons who messed up Griffith's face. (Jake Novak)

      As you know, President Obama is here in Los Angeles He's raising money for a huge disaster relief project. It's called NBC. (Jay Leno)

      It feels weird, because we're taping the show extra early tonight. It's rare that we change what time we tape the show to accommodate a guest's schedule. In fact, the only people we've ever done it for are the president and Lindsay Lohan. (Jay Leno)

      A company in Illinois is selling a collectible baby doll of President Obama. It's really cute. The doll can even say a few words, as long as it has a teleprompter. And just so Republicans don't complain, it comes with a birth certificate. (Jimmy Fallon)

      ADMINISTRATION

      Joe Biden implied to a CNN reporter that he might make a run for the White House in 2016. Then, they all had a good laugh and Biden went off for a nap. (Jerry Perisho)

      Vice-President Joe Biden is already dropping hints about a 2016 presidential run. He's already received several endorsements, but all of those are from Republicans.  (Tim Hunter)

      John Mayer is on "vocal rest" after having throat surgery, the same procedure Democrats would like to arrange for Joe Biden between now and the next election. (Tim Hunter)

      THE CONGRESS

      The U.S. Senate drafted a bill Friday to grant U.S. visas to foreigners if they agree to buy a house. The house must sell for at least a half a million dollars. The idea is to attract rich people to the United States to offset the rich people who are leaving the United States.
      GOP candidate Herman Cain urged the U.S. to build a wall on the Mexican border just like the Great Wall of China Tuesday. The idea poses engineering difficulties. We'd have to find a way to build the largest wall in history with all the workers on the south side of it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Congress is considering a proposed new copyright law pushed by the music industry that would make public performance of copyrighted songs without permission a criminal offense. To protest how far overboard that is, some opponents launched a website called FreeBieber.org. Since Justin Bieber came to fame by performing other people's songs on YouTube, they say this law would have made that a felony. The site features Photoshopped pictures of Bieber spending five years in prison, wearing an orange jumpsuit, getting a teardrop tattoo and having prison visits from Selena Gomez.  Do they realize that they're making this law sound pretty darn good?  (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      THE COURTS

      While testifying at the Conrad Murray trial, Michael Jackson's personal nurse complained of being faint on the stand, and the court had to be adjourned. How scary is that? Getting sick in that courtroom and the only doctor in the house is Conrad Murray. (Jay Leno)

      THE MILITARY

      Scientists predict that in the future, war will be fought by drones. They also predict they'll sound like Leafs GM Brian Burke. (RJ Currie)

      A report says that the missing $6 Billion that was thought missing during the Iraq war has been accounted for. Now they just have to figure out why we spent the rest of that $1 Trillion to fight the war. (Jim Barach)

      THE STATES

      Ohio police tracked down and shot all the lions, tigers, wolves and cheetahs set free by the suicide-bent keeper Tuesday. It didn't sit well with many. For the next two days customers complained that the ninety-nine cent burritos at Taco Bell tasted a little gamey. (Argus Hamilton)

      A federal judge has blocked Florida's new law requiring state resident to pass a drug test before getting welfare. Of course, this is the same judge who has blocked high school kids from having to pass a reading test before joining the University of Miami football team. (Jake Novak)

      California governor, Jerry Brown, passed a "vital" law outlawing anyone under the age of 18 to use tanning beds. Then, he also passed a law making it okay for 12 year olds to get a vaccine to prevent sexually transmitted disease without getting parental consent, tacitly approving of sex at that age. So far, there is no word if the 12 year olds will be allowed to use the tanning beds if they are having sex. (Steve Yeich)

      California Governor Jerry Brown wants to raise the state retirement age to 67. Voters are expected to approve that plan since that would mean Brown should have retired 55 years ago. (Jake Novak)

      Maryland is considering raising a toilet flushing fee for residents. Their reason is that expenses are up as it is a long ways to New Jersey. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A Tennessee high school football coach lost his job when audio from his profanity-laced pregame rant was leaked to YouTube. On the bright side, he's been offered a job as an offensive specialist. (RJ Currie)

      A Detroit man used his nine-year old daughter as his "designated driver" after he removed himself from behind the wheel drunk.  
      Could have been a lot worse.  If they were in Mississippi, the girl would have been his wife. (Bob Mills)

      A Florida man was charged with letting a 9 year old drive his car while he was drunk, just weeks after a Michigan man was arrested for the same thing. Apparently they feel safe with the kids driving since they are too young to know how to text. (Jim Barach)

      A driver for New York's Lickey Split Ice Cream was arrested for dispensing crack cocaine from his truck.  And he was getting away with it, too, until one of the kids' parents tipped off the cops when he asked for $150 for a kilo of Rocky Road. (Bob Mills)

      If you are a cabdriver in New York City, you can't use your horn any more. And the cab drivers are going crazy because they think, "Well how do we warn people that we're running red lights?" (David Letterman)

      A lawsuit says that L. A. County Deputies are harassing photographers. The photographers say they barely have time to climb a fence and peek through the windows of celebrities and take compromising pictures before law enforcement arrives. (Jim Barach)

      A sex worker rights group in San Francisco has launched a PR campaign with ads on city buses. The motto still isn't very inspiring. "We are going to take this lying down." (Alan Ray)

      A Georgia man firebombed a Taco Bell restaurant when he was served a chalupa with too little meat. To which a Taco Bell spokesperson said "Meat?" (Jim Barach)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Condoleeza Rice says in her new book she had frequent clashes with Dick Cheney. She says she knew things were out of hand when he invited her to go with him on a hunting trip. (Jim Barach)

      Hillary Clinton turns 64 years old today. Happy birthday. Today, Donald Trump demanded to see her birth certificate. (David Letterman)

      THE ECONOMY

      The U. S. Labor Department has partnered with Facebook to link employment opportunities with anxious job-seekers. But the online opportunities aren't exactly primo -- escort services for women and Guinea pigs in erectile dysfunction studies for men. (Bob Mills)

      A report from the Congressional Budget Office says the wealthiest 1% Americans increased their income by 275% over the past 30 years. And that's just people who are members of Congress. (Jim Barach)

      Due to the inability of Congress to make any long-term budget fixes, experts are predicting another credit-rating downgrade for the United States. You know, I'm beginning to dislike the credit-rating agencies' new policy of assigning ratings based on actual economic realities. (Miles Scofield/The Onion)

      Stocks had their best month in October since 1974. The only problems is that their value has increased back to the levels of 1929. (Jim Barach)

      The number of people moving around in the U. S. is at its lowest point since World War II. The only move people are doing now is from their foreclosed home to the nearest shelter. (Jim Barach)

      An oil boom is producing thousands of jobs in North Dakota. Fortunately, the economy is so bad that there are now people who will actually take a job in North Dakota. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      A retail survey says cheese is the most stolen food in the world. Who funded the study, the Cheddar Business Bureau? (RJ Currie)

      Exxon Mobil reported quarterly earnings of $10.3 billion on Thursday, a surge of 41% from last year. You know what that means? Gas prices are going up. (Janice Hough)

      Got to love banks. My husband is travelling for business in Eastern Europe (9 hour time difference), and Wells Fargo's fraud system went into overdrive when he took out less than $100 cash from an ATM over there. Three "urgent" phone messages this afternoon and evening. Of course, when he tried to call them back during European business hours, they are closed. (Janice Hough)

      Consumer Reports says most fish dishes in America are mislabeled. Food inspectors are responding by forcing McDonalds to rename their popular seafood sandwich the "Filet O'Plankton." (Jake Novak)

      McDonald's just announced that they will sell the McRib sandwich only until Nov. 14. So unfortunately, it looks like I'll have to cook for Thanksgiving after all. (Conan O'Brien)

      Wal-Mart is planning to reduce its healthcare plan for new employees. Which explains why today, my greeter was like, "Hello, welcome to Wal-Mart. Would you mind checking out this mole?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Nintendo reportedly lost $1.3 Billion in the first half of 2011. That's what happens when your client base can't get jobs to buy new games because they haven't gotten off the couch in three months. (Jim Barach)

      TRANSPORTATION

      And don't we all feel so safe with all the hassles of flying these days. Alaska Air luggage workers at LAX found a handgun when it fell out of a bag they were loading onto a flight to Portland. The gun at least was unloaded. But a TSA spokesperson said they check carry-ons but firearms in checked bags are "not the agency's responsibility." And Alaska said passengers should "self-disclose dangerous goods." But they are so good on those water bottles. (Janice Hough)

      A 1990 Honda Accord driven by a man in Maine has just passed one million miles. It's been around the block more often the Paris Hilton. (RJ Currie)

      Hard hit by the sinking economy, Medford Oregon's Rogue Valley International Airport has sought permission to place paid ads on their control tower. The air controllers recently rejected a substantial offer from "No-Doz" to have the product tattooed on their forehead. (Bob Mills)

      Airlines collected $1.5 Billion in luggage, ticket exchanges and other fees in the third quarter. They plan to double that by doing away with their two for one drink special in the cockpit during Happy Hour. (Jim Barach)

      IMMIGRATION

      At the direction of Congress, the U.S. State Department will issue a visa to any immigrant who agrees to buy a home here worth at least $500,000.  Already, they're facing their first dilemma -- do they let Roman Polanski back in or not? (Bob Mills)

      NASA & SPACE

      A German satellite path is supposed to crash to Earth this weekend at over 17,098 mph. It could be the fastest most spectacular fall since Rick Perry's post first-debate poll numbers

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