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Humerus Weajly News 10-22-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-22-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE IMPORTANT NOTICE Back in May, Christian Radio evangelist Harold Camping told the world that the Rapture
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 22, 2011

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-22-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      IMPORTANT NOTICE

      Back in May, Christian Radio evangelist Harold Camping told the world that the Rapture would be on May 21. All the chosen people would be saved by God. The rest of us would be left behind for a period of tribulation that would end five months later on October 21, 2011. After May 21, he revised his prediction and announced that the end of the world was now scheduled in one mega-event, slated for yesterday. According to Reverend Camping,  "What really happened this past May 21? What really happened is that God accomplished exactly what He wanted to happen. That was to warn the whole world that on October 21, God’s salvation program will be finished and the world will come to an end." Here is the issue I prepared for October 22nd. Unfortunately, you are no longer around to read this last issue of 'Weakly Humerus News'. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did while our world existed. (Stan Kegel)

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      I have to hand it to Camping, he certainly is in tents. It will be lots of fun ten years from now when the news media is filled with interviews with people emotionally recalling where they were and what they were doing the day the world ended. I hope you're making notes so you'll be able to C-sharp. (Gary Hallock

      Between Osama bin Laden and Moammar Gadhafi, I'm starting to think that President Obama isn't going to be remembered for healthcare. (Conan O'Brien)

      Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is dead. Even more shocking: He was killed by an escaped tiger from Ohio. (Conan O'Brien)

      Will California doctors endorsing marijuana legalization lead to the whole country going to pot? (Keremy Alperin)

      The Republican candidates are still looking for ways to stop Romney. See, it's hard to disagree with his positions — because as you know, he's taken every position. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama endorsed the Occupy Wall Street protests in his MLK statue speech Sunday. His timing was pretty bad. The same day, the occupation was endorsed by the Nazi Party and the Communist Party, and they haven't agreed on anything since Poland. (Argus Hamilton)

      National news: The US Federal Government revealed it has paid out over $600 billion in benefits to dead people over the past five years. Sports news: The St. Louis Rams football team is wondering where their checks have been. (Phil Glowatz)

      Las Vegas is a weird place for politics. Why would something known for sleazebags, prostitutes, and gambling want to be associated with Las Vegas? (Craig Ferguson)

      In New York, the driver of a Lickety Split ice cream truck was sentenced for selling drugs from the same truck. You know the old saying; a spoonful of rocky road helps the oxycodone go down. (Jerry Perisho)

      Happy 31st Birthday to Kim Kardashian. She spent the day blowing out her candles and her wedding vows. Some experts are calling the Kardashian/Humphries break up the strongest argument for gay marriage yet. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, "Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job? (Conan O'Brien)

      Sir Richard Branson opened the world's first commercial spaceport Tuesday in New Mexico as home to Virgin Galactic. They're going to have a problem with the name. People could be understandably reluctant to board a spacecraft that doesn't go all the way. (Argus Hamilton)

      Turkish news reports smugglers set loose a swarm of bees on police searching for contraband cigarettes hidden in a truckload of hives. Would that be a sting operation?  (RJ Currie)

      THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES

      LATEST POLL SHOWS CLOSE GOP RACE Voters evenly split  Cain - 3%, Bachmann - 3%, Paul - 3%, Santorum - 3%, Romney - 3%, Huntsman - 3%, Perry - 3%, Gingrich - 3%, Anyone Else - 76%. (IronicTimes)

      An analysis has shown Republican candidate Herman Cain's tax plan, which would levy a flat rate of 9 percent on all incomes, sales, and business profits, would cost average Americans substantially more than they pay now. What do you think? 9-9-9 has that creepy, upside down, 6-6-6 vibe too. Would they settle for 8-8-8? Oh, wait, 8-8-8 upside down is still 8-8-8. That’s creepy too. I think. (Orange Scott)

      Herman Cain is now denying his 9-9-9 tax plan came from SimCity. Pundits, however, will be carefully watching any agriculture plan the GOP candidate put out, to see if there are any similarities to Farmville. (Janice Hough)

      During the last republican debate, Herman Cain kept extolling his tax plan repeating "Nine- nine- nine, nine-nine-nine." Incidentally "Nein! Nein! Nein!" was what the German maid yelled at ex-IMF director, Dominque Strauss-Kahn, when he chased her around the hotel suite." (Alex Kaseberg)

      Herman Cain was hounded into apologizing Tuesday for suggesting that the U. S. build a border wall with Mexico with electric wires along the top. It's really an effective way to screen immigrants. You wouldn't be allowed in California unless nothing can shock you. (Argus Hamilton)

      Liberals are attacking Herman Cain for saying he supports the idea of an electrified fence on the border with Mexico. The Left is furious that Cain isn't supporting a solar powered electric fence. (Jake Novak)

      Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it's a great idea because if there's one thing you don't see in China, it's Mexicans. (Conan O'Brien)

      Almost all of Rick Perry's support appears to have gone to Herman Cain because, again, and I cannot stress this enough, nobody likes Mitt Romney. (Jon Stewart)

      Herman Cain is ahead with 27%, as opposed to Newt Gingrich, who is 27% head. (Stephen Colbert)

      Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda. (David Letterman)

      Today, the Colbert Super PAC officially endorses Hermain Cain for president -- unless you're not into him, in which case, I'm just joking. (Stephen Colbert)

      Herman Cain swore Monday he was joking when he called on Tiger Woods five years ago to run for president. That's before Tiger was revealed as a faithless husband. Ever since Herman Cain hired Nancy Reagan's astrologer he's been two years ahead of everybody else. (Argus Hamilton)

      I heard a lot of things in politics and we've seen a lot of odd things, but Rick Perry is the first potential candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. (David Letterman)

      John McCain advised Rick Perry to get some sleep before next week's CNN Republican debate, adding ""Every time I made a serious mistake politically – and I've made them – it's been when I'm tired." Must have been a heck of an all-nighter before McCain picked Sarah Palin. (Janice Hough)

      Rick Perry says he supports a flat tax plan for the nation. Which makes sense since wages, jobs, and the economy are all pretty much flat. (Jim Barach)

      Rick Perry's wife cried over his treatment in the presidential campaign Friday. He'd hit a low point in Tuesday's debate when he said the American Revolution occurred in the fifteenth century. Michele Bachman had to correct him, noting that he forgot to add B. C. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mitt Romney led GOP candidates in Monday's polls as conservatives scrambled to try to block the moderate Republican. His record would make him very popular on the Internet if they'd just illustrate it. Mitt Romney's got more positions than the Kama Sutra. (Argus Hamilton)

      Halloween is fast approaching. Poor Mitt Romney can't decide if he wants to go as a conservative or a moderate. (Janice Hough)

      Newt Gingrich said today that Mitt Romney would have a hard time getting the GOP nomination, but that Mitt is "a very likable person." Well, Newt might be right about the first statement, but a major reason is that he's wrong about the second. (Janice Hough)

      Ron Paul says as President he will cut $1 Trillion from the federal budget by eliminating several cabinet departments, including energy and education. Since oil companies pretty do whatever they want and we can't even graduate kids from high school anymore, what do we need those departments for anyway? (Jim Barach)

      A looming presidential race between a black guy and a Mormon is creating a major quandary for America's bigots, a new poll reveals. According to the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, a broad majority of likely bigot voters "strongly agreed" with the statement, "If it winds up being between a black guy and a Mormon I don't know what I'll do because I don't know which I hate more." Tea Party activist Eldin Brazelton of Oak Park, Illinois, expressed a frustration typical of the bigots surveyed: "We've spent the last three years stirring up anger towards a black guy, and that's all going to go to waste if we just up and nominate a Mormon." (Andy Borowitz

      MUAMMAR QADDAFI

      Former Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi has reportedly been killed in or near his hometown of Sirte. There you go.  Mr. Qaddafi is yet another dictator, victimized by his own inadequate gun control policy. (Orange Scott)

      Former Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi has reportedly been killed. It may have taken longer than expected, but the rebels never wavered in their determination to shoot at anything, and it finally paid off. (Steve Lewis)

      Moammar Gadhafi is killed and it is rumored that North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il, is terminally ill. It is a bad time for evil dictators with bad hair and huge sunglasses. So Donald Trump's line of sunglasses could be in for tough times. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Not a great day for dictator Moammar Gadhafi. A spokesperson for the Libyan rebels said Gadhafi will be replaced soon by Ashton Kutcher. (Craig Ferguson)

      ABC news reports that Moammar Gadhafi had a crush on Condoleezza Rice and even dedicated a photo album exclusively to her. Rice told him she was flattered but she's trying to work things out with Kim Jong Il. (Conan O'Brien)

      A grim chapter in the history of Libya came to a close today when fugitive dictator Muammar Gaddafi was mauled to death by an escaped tiger in Zanesville, Ohio. The tiger, a longtime Zanesville resident, is being flown to the White House where she will receive the Presidential Medal of Honor. In a brief statement, President Barack Obama said, "Under my watch, we’ve killed both Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi. That really should be enough to reelect me, especially if I’m running against a pizza man."  Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann offered this comment on Gaddafi’s death: "Muammar Gaddafi will no longer live to terrorize Asia." (Andy Borowitz)

      ZANESVILLE'S WILD ANIMALS

      A man in Ohio freed his 51 exotic animals and then shot and killed himself. Among the Bengals that got away appears to be Carson Palmer.  (Jerry Perisho)

      After a man in Zanesville, OH released 56 exotic creatures—including lions, tigers, bears, and monkeys—and then took his own life, sheriff's deputies were forced to hunt down and in most cases kill the animals. The guy could've killed two birds with one stone if he had just let the animals maul him a little on their way out. (Lou Taylor)

      In Zainesville, Ohio, the owner of an exotic pet collection decided to open up the cages and let all 50 of his animals go free. Police weren't sure how to trap the bears and the tigers, but all they had to do to stop the lions was to bring in the San Francisco 49ers. (Tim Hunter)

      Police have killed dozens of bears, wolves, lions, and tigers that escaped from a zoo in Zanesville, Ohio. The animals were shot as they marched down main street as part of an Occupy Zanesville protest. (Wendel Potter)

      The 31 escaped wild animals immediately became a hot-button issue in the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Texas Gov. Rick Perry said, "If the authorities are putting innocent creatures to death, I'm for it." And in Iowa, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) told reporters, "We should ship those animals back either to the Congo or to Africa." (Andy Borowitz)  

      All the wild animals that escaped from an Ohio man's private zoo have now been captured. That's with the exception of one diseased monkey which has unfortunately blended in with the Occupy Wall Street protesters. (Jake Novak)

      As dozens of escaped exotic animals terrorized the town of Zanesville, Ohio, the Rev. Pat Robertson raised eyebrows today by saying that "God allowed those wild animals to escape because he wanted them to find gay people and bite them." The televangelist also contradicted local officials who were had warned Zanesville residents to remain indoors until the all the animals had been accounted for: "Really, those animals won't bite you unless you're gay." (Andy Borowitz)

      HAROLD CAMPING

      That old guy Harold Camping is now predicting Friday, Oct. 21, will be the end of the world. If Camping has reverted to his second childhood, I predict that come Friday we'll know the identity of that anonymous boy who cried, "Wolf!" (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      I sure hope Harold Camping is wrong again and that the world won't end on Friday, Oct. 21. Otherwise on Oct. 31, I won't get to wear my Michele Bachmann costume. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Someone apparently stole President Obama's teleprompter. As you'd expect the joke to go, the theft left the president speechless. (Tim Hunter)

      Yesterday, President Obama's teleprompter was stolen. Police are on the lookout for a thief that's eloquent and spreading a message of hope. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama says if the Republicans don't pass his jobs bill, they'll have to be the ones to explain to the children why their teachers were laid off. The Republicans are responding by telling kids the Democrats obviously want to give them more homework. (Jake Novak)

      President and Michelle Obama took time out from their bus tour Wednesday to go pumpkin shopping. They like to make the White House festive for when Joe Biden comes trick or treating. (Tim Hunter)

      Michelle Obama said her daughters watch "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" but that President Obama doesn't approve. Obama said, "If I want to see a giant butt who doesn't do anything, I'll have lunch with Joe Biden." (Conan O'Brien)

      ADMINISTRATION

      Joe Biden once again denied stories that he will be replaced on the ticket in 2012. He says he will continue to embarrass President Obama for another four years. (Jay Leno)

      Vice-President Joe Biden, when asked if he had ever met a Kardashian, replied, "No and to be completely honest, I've never even been to Kardashia!" (Tim Hunter)

      Attorney General Eric Holder was subpoenaed by Congress Thursday to testify about his knowledge of Operation Fast and Furious. ATF undercover agents sold two thousand powerful assault rifles to the Mexican cartel. Last month on Mexican Independence Day they fired their rifles into the air to celebrate and they brought down two U. S. satellites. (Argus Hamilton)

      The U. S. government is now stuck with 248,000 foreclosed Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac-financed homes. No doubt about it, Fanny and Freddy left a trail of destruction behind them that makes Bonnie and Clyde look like Donny and Marie. (Bob Mills)

      The United States Postal Service announced the price of a first class stamp is going up one cent to 45 cents January 22nd, next year. About the same time a letter mailed now will be delivered. (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE CONGRESS

      The Senate has blocked a plan to limit the amount of potatoes served in school lunches. Apparently the Senate feels that kids just don't get enough potatoes in the orders of fries they get the twelve times they go to McDonald's every week. (Jim Barach)

      Congress is considering a bill banning over-the-counter asthma inhalers because they contribute to air pollution. The government is getting too touchy about what goes into our lungs. Did you know you can't even give someone mouth-to-mouth resuscitation without a special permit from the EPA? (Bob Mills)


      THE STATES

      California governor Jerry Brown has signed a law that provides college subsidies to children of illegal aliens. It was either that or see his lawns go unmowed, his pool go unskimmed, his favorite restaurant table go uncleared, his vegetables go unpicked, his pizzas go undelivered, his . . . (Bob Mills)

      California has adopted new cap and trade on businesses that emit carbons in the state. But the only businesses emitting anything in California now are the state unemployment offices. (Jake Novak)

      Second Amendment activists in Georgia filed a federal lawsuit to affirm their right to carry their guns in church. Their crack team of NRA constitutional lawyers claim to have supporting biblical quotes from Matthew, Mark, Smith and Wesson.  (Bob Mills)

      LOCAL NEWS

      The Bronx Zoo has an exhibit featuring the world's rarest insects and rodents. It's mainly popular among the millions of tourists who flock to New York each year. Native New Yorkers don't need to travel to the zoo to examine bugs -- they can just look at their sheets. (Bob Mills)

      Occupy Wall Street protesters invaded the Upper East Side where all the billionaires live and screamed obscenities outside their doors. It was a victory for equality. The people proved they can frighten a maid just as well as any international banker ever could. (Argus Hamilton)

      A truck jackknifed this morning and scattered thousands of chickens across Highway 80 near Vacaville in Northern California. The CHP is looking into the cause, but at this point they don't suspect fowl play. (Janice Hough)

      Thousands of live chickens spilled onto a California highway yesterday after a massive truck crash. Officials aren't going to chase the chickens, they'll just let them be eaten by the lions and tigers let loose by that maniac in Ohio. (Jake Novak)

      A Colorado logger says he cut off his tootsies to free himself from a 7-ton trailer that landed on his right foot. Personally, I'd try calling a toe truck. (RJ Currie)

      San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. Apparently the local politicians are making sure they are given an advantage when they go back into the private sector. (Jim Barach)

      The city of San Francisco wants to give out tax breaks to people who hire convicted felons. But if they're going to reward people for hiring crooks, the city will have to hand out tax breaks to all the voters every time there's an election. (Jake Novak)

      Alabama drug enforcement officials were stunned when they busted a female crack cocaine dealer who turned out to be 80-years old. Unfortunately, she already had a rap sheet that includes drug possession and distribution and three convictions for felony Bingo fraud. (Bob Mills)

      21 protesters were arrested inside a Citibank branch this weekend. It's not clear if they were "Occupy Wall Street" demonstrators or just angry that there were eight teller windows but only one person working. (Jake Novak)

      A Florida woman got a T-Mobile phone bill for $201,000 after receiving several texts from her deaf brothers in China. There hasn't been that high a price paid for sending a few texts since Anthony Wiener. (Jim Barach)

      In Michigan, a man was too drunk to drive, so he had his 9-year-old daughter drive their van for him. Yeah. As he was being arrested, he told the girl, "I'm going to need a lawyer. Go get your little brother." (Conan O'Brien)

      Officials in Monroe, Louisiana, have just discovered a problem with their new airport terminal that's sparked jokes about the government building more "bridges to nowhere." The $36 million cost of the terminal was partly covered with $7 million from the FAA's airport improvement program and $10 million from Obama's stimulus bill. Only after it was finished did they discover that some of the passenger loading bridges are several feet too short to reach the parked airplanes. Until they figure out a fix, they say they'll have to "improvise" in loading and unloading passengers.  Obama wants to spend $10 million more installing skateboard ramps at the end of the bridges. If only the Republicans had agreed to a bigger stimulus bill, they could have afforded measuring tapes. (Reeder & Ainsworth)   

      THE ECONOMY

      State and city governments have cut 535,000 jobs over the last three years. It's not clear what's worse for the laid off workers: the fact that they're out of work or the fact that no one notices any difference. (Jake Novak)

      The economy is bad, today a guy had to trade in his BlackBerry that didn't work for a calculator that didn't work. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The IRS says that the median wage in the U. S. in 2010 is $26,000. Which means the best way for most people to get a raise is to get laid off and go on unemployment and food stamps. (Jim Barach)

      The Wall Street Journal says that wages in the U. S. have fallen and won't catch up to where they were until 2021. Which means the people who dropped out of high school for minimum wage jobs were really smarter than everyone else. (Jim Barach)

      Social Security payments will go up by 3.6% next year. In a related story, the price of Viagra and Cialis has just gone up by 3.6%. (Jake Novak)

      Even though the economy is shaky, it might be a good idea to invest in the stock market. I suggest buying stock in the Tums Corporation because we still have to contend with Congress. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Medicare says it will pay for annual screenings of alcohol misuse and depression. Of course, most people on Medicare are depressed and drinking from all the talk about Congress cutting them out of Medicare. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The Gap says it's going to be closing 20% of it's U. S. stores. I think they misunderstood the president when he talked about the budget and said, "We need to close the Gap!"  (Tim Hunter)

      Bank of America earned third quarter profits of $6.2-billion. Guess now they won't have to start charging that $5 monthly fee for debit cards. By the way, that was the joke. (Tim Hunter)

      Bank of America reported a $6.2 Billion profit in the third quarter. The bad news for B of A customers? They're being charged $5 to read about the $6.2 Billion profit. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Bank of America is now charging $5 per month for a debit card -- but not without a loud outcry from longtime depositors. They may make them pay to access their own money, but they're not completely heartless. They also offer a $3 card that allows them to visit their money. (Bob Mills)

      Wells Fargo reported third-quarter net income of $4.1 billion, up 21% from a year ago. The bank earned 72 cents a share, although analysts had expected 73 cents. You know what that means - banking fees are going up. (Janice Hough)

      Apple has sold over 4 million iPhone 4s units in 4 days. Men will find the voice activation software Siri mind boggling. It features a woman who actually listens to something you say. (Alan Ray)

      Gibson Guitar CEO Henry Juszkiewicz condemned federal agents for charging his company with using wood illegally obtained. It's the worst thing to happen to Gibson since termites found in the drying kiln were traced to the CEO of Fender. (Bob Mills)

      Lowe's home improvement stores will be closing 20 locations in several states. Mostly California, Nevada and Arizona where the only way to fix up a house to get your money back on it is by hiring an arsonist. (Jim Barach)

      An Alabama company is offering to pack the ashes of the dear departed into bullets or rifle cartridges. What's next, shotgun funerals? (RJ Currie)

      KFC has introduced the new Cheesy Bacon Bowl, which is filled with mashed potatoes, cheese, gravy, chicken, and bacon. The bowl sells for $3.99, contains 700 calories, and is now the Republican frontrunner for president. (Conan O'Brien)

      KFC has introduced the new Cheesy Bacon Bowl, which comes with mashed potatoes, cheese, gravy, chicken, bacon and ten minutes of free CPR. (Tim Hunter)

      Target Stores, Inc. has become the first national retailer to produce a lighter, easier-to-navigate shopping cart. Best new improvement are the in-line, replaceable rubber wheels -- available at a substantial discount -- at Target. (Bob Mills)

      Four consumer advocacy groups have accused PepsiCo and Frito-Lay of being deceptive in their ads to teens. Apparently eating a case of Fritos every week does NOT increase your chances of dating Ju

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